Latest / The Favourite Self Podcast / 28. How to Heal Your Inner Child and Break Self-Sabotage Patterns with Adele Tevlin

Transcript

28. How to Heal Your Inner Child and Break Self-Sabotage Patterns with Adele Tevlin · The Favourite Self Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: I give zero fucks what people think.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_01: I am so like aligned with my own godliness.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_01: And this is part of the work that I teach is like aligning people to the truth of who they are, which is God in human form and God's highest form of expression.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_01: And it's like I'm so aligned with that truth of who I am that I do not, I settle for nothing in my life anymore.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the favorite self podcast.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: I like to think of it not as your future self or your best self, but your favorite self.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: My favorite self that just makes me feel the truest version of me.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: What lights your favorite self on fire?
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Carly Hadaway, founder, author, storyteller, and a woman who learned that building a successful life means nothing if it doesn't feel like yours.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: This podcast is for women who are building businesses, raising families, leading movements, and asking themselves, is this it or is there more available to me?
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: This is your invitation to come back to yourself.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: Let's dig in.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome back to the Favorite Self podcast.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: I am so excited to be welcoming Adele to the podcast today.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome, Adele.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for being here.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you, Carly.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: I'm excited too.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: You have so much good stuff to get into.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: And before we really dive into the work that you're doing now, I would love to actually start with who you were before you became this version of yourself that we see today.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: And what was that pivotal moment that really began your own transformation?
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, what a great question.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: I I feel like it's so funny because I uh I've been on a few other podcasts this week and and have been sharing my story a lot.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_01: So I feel I feel like there's a really important reason why.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_01: Um so who was I before?
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my goodness.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: So I I always say that my son, so who's he's 10 now?
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_01: So when I became pregnant, pregnant with my son, Ilya, um that was like probably the greatest initiation.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_01: And I think it for a lot of moms and parents who are listening, they would they would understand.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_01: But when I think about my identity shift, because the work I do is around identity, but when I look at who I was before Ilya and who I am now, it's like it's it's so radically different.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_01: Like the way that I physically appear is different.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_01: My emotional self is different.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_01: My everything about me, my beliefs, my values, the way I carry myself, the frequency that I emit, like it's almost like there were they were completely different people.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_01: And the version of me before I had my son and I became a single parent, that's part of my story, was you know, I looked good on paper, I had a lot of degrees on my wall, like really valued education and the intellect, like very deified, very much deified the intellect.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_01: Because I was raised to believe the smarter you are, the harder you work, the more successful you become, which is like a load of BS.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_01: And then I was also a people pleaser, you know, a doormat.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_01: Like I would just let people walk all over me, particularly um in intimate relationships.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_01: I, in my business that I led on Bay Street in Toronto, I was working with executive men, and it was just like I, yeah, I was often afraid to say what there really was to say to people.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_01: And especially as a coach and a therapist, like the greatest gift that you can give someone from this point of contact is like telling them exactly what they need to hear and be the mirror.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_01: And it's up to them to deal with how they're gonna respond.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_01: But the version of me before was terrified.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_01: It was terrifying I was terrified of abandonment.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_01: Like we all have our core wounds and our core fears.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: I was terrified of abandonment, I was terrified of not being liked, I was terrified of not being loved.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: And so I would mold myself into how others needed me to be for them.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: That makes sense.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_01: Now the version of me now, I is it okay if I swear?
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: I I give zero fucks what people think.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_01: I I am so like aligned with my own godliness.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_01: And this is part of the work that I teach.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: It's like aligning people to the truth of who they are, which is God in human form and God's highest form of expression.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_01: And it's like I'm so aligned with that truth of who I am that I do not, I settle for nothing in my life anymore.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_01: Like if things are not aligned, they don't get to stay.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_01: And I do that from such a place of love and service and high service that I'm not doing this from this place of ego because there's like two different places that people do that from.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_01: They do it from ego, like, I don't need you, get out of my life, or they do it from alignment.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_01: I know who I am and I know what my standards are.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_01: So it's like my whole self-concept and my whole view of who I am and why I'm here on this planet at this time has shifted from what I take people through in my work is from victim to creator to vessel.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: So victim consciousness, creator consciousness, vessel consciousness.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_01: So it's like I've moved myself from victim, which is life is happening to me, creator is I'm creating my reality.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_01: And then vessel is life is being created through me.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: So beautiful.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: You're speaking my language, and I can relate to so much of what you're sharing.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I know our listeners can too.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: I really believe that your favorite self, frequency, is channeled through adopting that fuck it mentality.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: And motherhood, I can completely relate to how pivotal it is in really pushing you into that because I don't know, there's something about that moment that you hold your baby in your arms and realize that you are literally you created this life, you are responsible for this life.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: And suddenly all those other problems feel so small.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my God.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_01: I so like it's funny as you're saying that it thank you for even saying that.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_01: Like I thought about so when you know, I had Ilya and I became a single mom when he was about three months old.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_01: And but I remember when I birthed Ilya, and people used to always tell me, like, what was your birth story?
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_01: Like, what did you like love it?
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, the day that I birthed my son was the fucking most powerful day of my life.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_01: What are you talking about?
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_01: Like, you literally birthed this child out of you, and I had a natural birth.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_01: Like, and this baby was nine and a half pounds, and I'll never forget the doctors and nurses were like, whoa, big boy, you know?
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_01: And I birthed this miracle into existence, and he's lying on my, you know, chest, and it was like I was forever changed.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_01: Like every other, like you said, like all these things that felt significant immediately became insignificant.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_01: All of these, you know, tolerations that I, you know, had in my life immediately no longer.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_01: Like it just created.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: And as a single mom who was running a business, like I remember my mom actually saying this to me, you know, children are such a bl a blessing, they bring you so much abundance.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_01: And it was like when Ilya was born, is when I also took my business to become a seven-figure business owner.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: Like, so when people give me bullshit excuses, like, oh, I'm a mom and I can't, I was a single mom.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_01: I actually feel like when you create, when you have the tension of transition in your life, and we can talk more about that, like when there's an edge that you're meeting is when you really meet yourself.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: So it's not like when it's all perfect and a lot, you know, oh, all the circumstances have to be just so.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_01: And no, I was a single mom.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: All the financial responsibility was on me.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_01: Not just was I caring for the baby physically through the night and all that, but I was also financially.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: And so when women are like, well, I'm a mom, and I, but and they also have a partner helping them, I'm like, that that should not be an excuse.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_01: That should be a reason to go for it.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_01: Do you know what I mean?
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: So I feel like that's why his birth was really like the catalyst for me, because there was no plan B, there was no exit strategy, there was no bullshit that I could tolerate in my life.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_01: I cut so many relationships that were toxic.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_01: It was like I call it the trim the fat era.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: Like just like okay, no, you can't, like done.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: I got covered in goosebumps when you said how empowering that moment is of giving birth.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: Like I feel the exact same way, thinking back to my own birth stories.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: And it, I do feel like it changed everything in an instant.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: And then I think there was also the other part of that of like, same, I was continuing to I scale my business well home with a baby, and I did take some time off and I run my business with my husband.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: So I had that support.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: But at the same time, we were also like in the thick of COVID and just had like no village.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: And so I see it as like the just such a massive circumstance where your capacity expands so much and truly shows you what you're capable of and strips down everything else that is not serving you.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: So I love that.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I really love how you say that this phrase of how you're letting your seven-year-old self run your life.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: And you you also mentioned like the mirror piece.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: So I talk about the mirror effect all the time, and I think our kids are like such powerful mirrors.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I, funny enough, my daughter is seven right now, and my son's five, but being able to parent her while healing my inner child, I I've I remember seeing um a reel about how like you kind of are healing the version of yourself that your kid is at that season of life that you're raising, like their age.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I totally feel that.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: And so I'd love to dive into that.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: What does that mean?
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: And how does someone recognize when their youngest self is really running the show and making the decisions?
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, such a great question and such a profound piece of work.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_01: So I'll I'll kind of go back.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_01: Let me kind of say something that will be a segue to that.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_01: So when a my son was born, is when I so I had already been doing this work.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_01: I've been like in the personal development space for 22, 23 years at this point.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_01: But when Ilya was born, I would say, like, when it was not just a catalyst for my growth, my business, but it was a catalyst for me to go inward to examine.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that's why motherhood is like the greatest initiation, because it's like simultaneously having you let go of these external things that no longer serve you, but it also has you go internal.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_01: And so that was when I really started to dive into like more deeply into inner child therapy and family systems therapy and and really break that into the work that I was doing.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_01: But it started by me healing my own inner child.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_01: And I remember I was working with um a therapist at the time who was helping me access her.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_01: And when I say her, I mean little me.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_01: Little, we all have a little little Adele, little Carly.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_01: We have like the little little you.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_01: And I'll get to like more about that in a minute.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_01: But I was having a really hard time accessing little Adele.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_01: And Ilya was probably like six months old, six between six and eight months old.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like feeding him or holding him.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_01: And she would say to me, Okay, so if you have a hard time accessing little you, just like think about look at Ilia and then think about yourself at that age.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_01: And that was like such a portal for me, because it was like, whoa, like I was this person, I was this little, I was this innocent, I was this whole perfect and complete, I was this beautiful expression of divine consciousness too.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_01: And before conditioning happened.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_01: And so yeah, when I would breastfeed him or, you know, snuggle with him, I would just like imagine myself.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_01: And that was how I was, that's how I began to make contact with her.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_01: Because it's not so easy.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_01: We'll talk about the inner child in a minute, but for people wherever you're at on this journey, like whether you've ever met your inner child, you don't know where that what that even means.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_01: What I will say is like in leading this work for a really long time, especially around healing the inner child, it's like some people, depending on the level of trauma or dissociation that they've had, it's not just like, okay, I'm like immediate meeting the inner child and it's a great experience.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes it takes a long time.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_01: Like a child has to regain trust when that trust has been broken for so long.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_01: And so for me, like the entry point to meeting her was, yeah, like almost imagining myself at that age that my son is.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_01: And even now, my son is 10, and I, you know, see him and I'm like, ooh, I was 10.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_01: What was I like as a 10-year-old, or I was seven or whatever.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_01: So, especially when your kids are under the age of seven, like your kids are in that prime theta wave state.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_01: So, so let me kind of go back from like a neuroscience perspective.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_01: So we all have an inner child, whether you believe it, if this is not woo-woo, this is not like esoteric, this is like a very real neuroscientific family systems.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_01: Like, this is a real thing.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_01: We all have that version of us that lives in us.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_01: And when that that version, that inner child is in its whole complete form, when it's in its healed form, that inner child represents our joy and our wonder and our curiosity and our creativity and like the best of us.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_01: It's like that, like the best of you is your inner child when it's in that healed state.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_01: But for most of us, our inner child is not healed or until we heal.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_01: Our inner child is the point in our development where we got stunted and where we got either where any trauma happened, there's big T trauma, little T trauma.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know how deep you want me to get into all this, but to a child, you know, I have to say this because I think it's really important.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_01: Like to a child, neglect is just as bad as physical abuse.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_01: So the child doesn't know, like a lot of people think, like, well, I had a great childhood, like, you know, my parents never hit me.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_01: I love that that's the barometer.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_01: I had a great childhood, my parents never hit me.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, yeah, you might have had a great childhood, but every one of us at some point has felt neglected or felt like a lack of love or attention or of affection or affirmation.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_01: Like, no matter how good your parents were to the child, they didn't fundamentally get all of their needs met.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_01: And that's where the child in you gets stunted.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_01: And so part of the work that I teach is about healing at the place going back in time to the place where these origins happened to heal, rewire, recontextualize what actually happened, and then shifting the choice point for the tr for you at that time, right?
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_01: So, like what choices, what decision did you make for yourself at that time?
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_01: And then how is that decision literally created a like a complete trajectory of choice points that you've made?
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_01: And those choice points can be made, remade, they can be redirected.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_01: So it's so powerful because the subconscious mind doesn't know the difference between past, present, future, real, or imagined.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_01: So we're playing at a completely different level of consciousness in this work.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_01: It's not about the intellect, it's about the subconscious mind.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_01: So this is where things are really powerful because when I say that most people are making choices from their wounded child, it's fucking true.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_01: For example, if you're a people pleaser, that is a wounded child response.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_01: If you're a perfectionist, that's a wounded child response.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_01: If you're an avoider, that's a wounded child response.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_01: If you're a procrastinator, that's a wounded child response.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_01: So most adults, I always say, are actually like a little seven-year-old in an adult body.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_01: You know, they're they're constantly reacting to things.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_01: Like they're triggered, what all of these people that are constantly triggered by everything these days that is not your adult self online.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_01: Like if you're triggered by an email or you're triggered by something that you see constantly, or your your 95% of your life is a trigger response, then that's telling you that that your consciousness is coming from that wounded child.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_01: Does that make sense?
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: I and I really believe in so many ways, our greatest responsibility on this planet is to do the work to heal that inner child.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: Because that is, I I say the same thing, like your healed inner child is how you show up as your favorite self.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: That's where that frequency comes from.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_00: Because exactly it's the joy, it's the playfulness, it's who you were before, the patterns and the conditioning.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: And this is also why I love the work of like really diving deep into your own story.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_00: And for me, the experience of writing my book, writing my memoir was like such so therapeutic and healing my inner child.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: And so I say that often, like, even if this book ends up in your desk drawer and it never you never show it, like there's so much beauty in doing that work and and really diving into your story.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_01: I think it's like the most important work we can do.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_01: Cause I think everything else, like everything stems from that wound.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_01: You know, like part of my belief, and like this is kind of my theory, is that I don't know, it took me like I had my son at 35.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_01: Like it took me 35 years to really meet meet myself.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_01: And so when I have people that come into my work and they're of all ages, and sometimes they're in their 60s or their 70s, which I think is so awesome that like even at 70, like you can reinvent yourself.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_01: But they'll say to me, like, I only learn who I am through doing this work.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_01: Like, because the I am that you think that you are is not the I am that you are.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_01: It's it's the false sense, it's the false self, it's the it's the condition self, it's the self that everybody's told you that you are.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_01: And then my work is about peeling all that shit back to discover the truth of who you actually are.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_01: And then that becomes the new set point, the new choice point, the new, okay, from this version, I'm gonna make these choices, which are very different than the choices I was making from this version.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_00: So freeing.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I I love that you mentioned the different like generations and ages too, because I think, yes, absolutely, motherhood is a portal, like you said.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: I think that was such a beautiful way of explaining it.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_00: And you don't have to wait until motherhood, or maybe motherhood isn't even like part of the plan for you, and you get to do this work now.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's never too early to start, like the best time was yesterday.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: And also, I love seeing my like my parents' generation and those generations be doing this work now because the reality is like I have so much empathy for my parents because I know they didn't have access and they didn't have this knowledge and awareness that is available now.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think it's so beautiful and you can always repair, right?
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_00: There's so much beauty in that repair as well, um, whether it's parent kind of child relationship, yeah.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_00: Can we dive into some specific examples of how these patterns show up, like that have, you know, the conditioning that was really instilled from these inner child wounds?
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_00: And how does it show up in our present-day patterns in terms of success, relationships, money, visibility?
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_00: Can you share some examples of that?
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, okay, so let's go back to like how the how the programming happens.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_01: So when kids are between the ages of zero and seven, well, the the the real research is like our conditioning starts happening in utero.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_01: So when you're in your mother's stomach and in her womb, um we're already inheriting patterns and beliefs and values.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_01: Like that, if you just think of that, that's so fucking cool.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_01: It's wild it's just wild.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_01: Like, like how she was thinking and feeling your mom and what was going on around her and her level of stress.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_01: And we know that hormones are communicating, but we also know that the baby is imprinting because the mind, the subconscious mind, is is in a theta wave state, which means it's in a state of hypnosis until the child's about seven or eight, and and and really up until 12, because that's when the conscious mind starts to form.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_01: So before the conscious mind is even forming, the child, and this is like really fucking important that people understand, because when when they're trying to intellectualize their patterns from the 50-year-old version, they're not understanding how patterns actually got formed.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_01: So before the age of seven or eight, everything that the child is experiencing, like your kids are in that exact time, they are imprinting everything from their environment, everything, because the subconscious mind doesn't have the power to say, no, I don't agree.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_01: No, I don't agree.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_01: No, I don't agree.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_01: It's agreeing with everything.
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_01: So if you and your husband are fighting and, you know, whatever is going on there, they're imprinting.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_01: If the teacher said you're stupid, they're imprinting.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_01: If someone at school said that they were whatever, they're imprinting.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_01: They're imprinting constantly, constantly, constantly.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_01: So the subconscious mind is constantly imprinting and printing and printing everything going on around them.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_01: And it's imprinting mostly the things that are happening that have a very strong feeling associated with it.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_01: So if it, if they're like the feeling and the and the thing that's happening is very intense, that's going to imprint even more.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_01: So we're imprinting beliefs, we're imprinting values, we're imprinting everything going on around us before zero zero to seven.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_01: And we're basically deciding who we are before we have the power to think it through.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_01: So that's like really important because it's like when the tr by the time the child's conscious mind starts to form, which is like between like eight and twelve, the conscious mind has the ability to.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_01: Say, no, I, mommy, I don't agree.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_01: I don't agree with that.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_01: No, I don't agree with that.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_01: Or someone at school says you're stupid, and the kid goes, Well, no, I actually don't agree with that.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_01: So they're able to reject.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_01: But before that, they're not rejecting, they're just accepting.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_01: And when things are happening through repetition, like repeatedly, they're being told things repeatedly.
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_01: So let's just talk about money, for example, because I love to talk about, you know, money beliefs.
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_01: If you grow up in an environment where, you know, the way that money is talked about is negative or scarce or scary, where they've witnessed parents go through financial stress, burden, or uh bankruptcy or whatever was going on, they're literally imprinting that story as fact.
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_01: Money's bad, money's scary.
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_01: So they, it's like they come up with some, it's basically their make, it's like a made-up thing that they believe to be true.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_01: And so then when people come into my world and their business is like up and down and they can't make money or they make it and they blow it, and there are financial set points all over the fucking place.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_01: The first place I look at is like, tell me what it was like growing up with your mom and dad and money.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_01: Not tell me about your business model.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_01: Fuck your business model.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_01: Let's get to the root, and then we'll look at the business model.
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_01: But if your root is money was tight, money was scarce, or we didn't talk about money, or I had no idea about blah, blah, blah, or we never had enough, or my parents never had enough, or they were fighting about money, then that has created a causation in their mind that's actually not true.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_01: But they're living out their physical reality as a manifestation of all the things that they believe to be true.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_01: So you could insert sex, money, religion, um relationships.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_01: I always say to people, what are your physical results in those areas?
• 23:51
  SPEAKER_01: Well, that's showing you the core belief that you have about that.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_01: It's not, there's no other, like it's not um, it is like when you really understand that that's exactly how the causation works, there's no mystery.
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_01: Do you know what I'm saying?
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I think this work takes a lot of mystery out of it because if people are, let's say, always struggling with their weight, or they're always struggling with their finances, they're always repeating the same toxic dynamic, that is not an external thing.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_01: That's an internal thing.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_01: You are creating that reality based on the beliefs, values, paradigms, and patterns that you hold to be true.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_01: So now let's go work on those.
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly, which is so empowering because you have the tools to then do the work to heal it.
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I also just want to talk a little bit about exactly what you're saying, like from a parenting perspective, because I am feel so grateful to be doing this work, like I said, in in since a very early on in my motherhood journey.
• 24:47
  SPEAKER_00: And at the same time, sometimes it feels like so much pressure because I'm so aware of the imprinting and you know, just like being mindful of that.
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_00: And also, again, like with the repair with that, and just like focusing on the relationship with my child and like leading from this place of truth and honesty and knowing that my actions are so important and how I show up, you know, in in all moments.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_00: I want to say something to that though, too.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_01: Because I know every mother does this, by the way.
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_01: Like every time I have this conversation with with women, yes, they're like, oh fuck, I fucked up my kids.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_01: And I want to say this because it's actually really important.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_01: Like you're already at such a different level of consciousness than your mother was with you.
• 25:32
  SPEAKER_01: And so this is not about an opportunity to beat yourself up because you're aware.
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_01: And it's also not about perfect or a zero-sum game.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_01: Like the ability to repair when you fucked up is actually the healing versus never fucking up at all.
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_01: So, for example, if I lose my shit on my son, which I do from time to time because I'm human, then I go to him after I've reparented myself, which is a technique I teach.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_01: I reparent myself and then I go to Ilya and I say, Ilya, I'm really sorry that I that I like yelled at you.
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_01: I'm really sorry that I said that.
• 26:09
  SPEAKER_01: I love you.
• 26:09
  SPEAKER_01: It's not you.
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_01: And like, you know, whatever, like next time, here's what I would really like.
• 26:15
  SPEAKER_01: And that ability to repair and say, I'm sorry, is the healing.
• 26:19
  SPEAKER_01: Cause like, God love my parents.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_01: They never fucking said they were sorry to me.
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_01: They never repaired.
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_01: And it's that that's actually more traumatizing than you know, losing, losing your cool or, you know, whatever.
• 26:35
  SPEAKER_01: So I I always say to parents, like, stop, stop making this about your children and actually make it about your inner child.
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_01: Because that's what women do.
• 26:46
  SPEAKER_01: We just want to then go, oh shit, what about my kids and what about my kids and what about my kids?
• 26:49
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, what about the kid in you?
• 26:51
  SPEAKER_01: She needs you too.
• 26:53
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_00: And again, it's the ripple effect of when you heal your own inner child and how that shows up and how you parent.
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_00: And the reality is, especially as our kids grow up, we quickly become aware of just how much is out of our control that can imprint them, right?
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_00: Like you were saying, like the teacher at school or kids at school or just society in general.
• 27:10
  SPEAKER_00: And so, you know, part of it is the character development and building that resilience in them as well.
• 27:16
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not about removing painful experiences from the equation.
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_00: Cause I think that I think back again to my younger self and my experience in my childhood.
• 27:28
  SPEAKER_00: And that is exactly what shaped me and led me to do the work that I'm doing now.
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_00: So I've I really do feel so grateful for it, even though sometimes it's really hard to go back to that younger version of myself and, you know, do that healing work.
• 27:42
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, I just wanted to mention that too, because it is beautiful in in the stories that we're writing and we get to choose.
• 27:49
  SPEAKER_01: We we hold the pen in that absolutely, totally agreed.
• 27:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 27:54
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 27:55
  SPEAKER_00: So I love also how you talk about this belief beneath every pattern of self-sabotage and how that's one of those core wounds, especially around the big one around I'm unworthy or I'm unlovable.
• 28:08
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like that one comes up so much in my work as well with clients.
• 28:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I'd love to hear from your perspective if you could explain those two wounds specifically or or or just really like how they show up differently in our lives.
• 28:23
  SPEAKER_00: Totally.
• 28:23
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 28:24
  SPEAKER_01: So when the baby comes into this world, let's just lock in the truth.
• 28:32
  SPEAKER_01: Baby comes in, soul, soul drops into the body, but the the soul chooses the parents.
• 28:37
  SPEAKER_01: I think that's really important to state.
• 28:39
  SPEAKER_01: Perfect soul chooses the parents for their this this journey, this uh, this lesson, this, this life.
• 28:46
  SPEAKER_01: And you come into this world, I always say whole, perfect, and complete.
• 28:50
  SPEAKER_01: And then through conditioning, which we talked about, like what's going on with the parents, we start to imprint these beliefs.
• 28:58
  SPEAKER_01: But before we start imprinting beliefs, we really there's two main core wounds that that every human being basically inherits.
• 29:06
  SPEAKER_01: And there's two core wounds: one is I'm unworthy and I'm unlovable.
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_01: And that happens around the age of two.
• 29:12
  SPEAKER_01: And it starts to happen when the child is differentiating itself from its parents.
• 29:15
  SPEAKER_01: It's when the child starts to learn to say no.
• 29:17
  SPEAKER_01: Like if anyone's a parent and you had a two-year-old, two, three, it's like the terrible twos or threes.
• 29:22
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, it's not that they're terrible, the child is actually learning the difference between them and the parent, and they're starting to exert individuation.
• 29:29
  SPEAKER_01: And the parent doesn't like that.
• 29:32
  SPEAKER_01: So the parent unconsciously, I don't think any parent is really doing this consciously at this moment, but the parent unconsciously is saying things like, no, that's bad, no, you're bad, don't do that.
• 29:43
  SPEAKER_01: There's a lot of reprimanding, there's a lot of guilt and shame that gets projected on the kid unconsciously or sometimes consciously.
• 29:50
  SPEAKER_01: And so the child at that age learns one of two things.
• 29:54
  SPEAKER_01: One, I'm either not lovable or I'm not worthy.
• 29:57
  SPEAKER_01: Period.
• 29:58
  SPEAKER_01: Every human on the planet, every fucking human, it doesn't matter what race, what gender, what creed, what religion, like humans are humans, that's how it goes.
• 30:05
  SPEAKER_01: And they're very different, although they sound similar, they're actually two very different core wounds.
• 30:11
  SPEAKER_01: And that's let's talk about I'm unlovable.
• 30:13
  SPEAKER_01: So the I'm unlovable core wound is really like it has to do more with interpersonal relationships.
• 30:18
  SPEAKER_01: So the child might learn like mom and dad are acting a certain way, and they decide that like if my mom loved me, she wouldn't do this.
• 30:28
  SPEAKER_01: Or if parents get divorced, or there's like the child makes the child is also in a very egoic state.
• 30:35
  SPEAKER_01: So everything's about them.
• 30:37
  SPEAKER_01: You know, like let's say like your parents get divorced, and like they're like, well, if my parents, if I was good, if I if I was lovable, they would stay.
• 30:44
  SPEAKER_01: So the child decides that they're not lovable.
• 30:46
  SPEAKER_01: The I'm unlovable core wound manifests itself later in life through, I believe, interpersonal dynamics.
• 30:53
  SPEAKER_01: So this is where they attract partners that keep repeating the cycle that they felt and experienced is in their childhood.
• 30:59
  SPEAKER_01: So toxic.
• 31:00
  SPEAKER_01: So I had a lot of this, like toxic dynamics, narcissistic partners, um like the rescuer role, like all that stuff.
• 31:09
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 31:09
  SPEAKER_01: Because like if you feel inherently unlovable, think about it.
• 31:13
  SPEAKER_01: Why would you ever attract a partner in your life to disprove to prove that wrong?
• 31:18
  SPEAKER_01: The mind wants to stay in congruence, even if the congruence is fucked up.
• 31:21
  SPEAKER_01: So like you're always going to attract like the partner that beats you and the partner that yells at you, and the partner that's emotionally unavailable, and the partner, like yada yada, because you your your consciousness is locked in on, well, you're not lovable.
• 31:33
  SPEAKER_01: So you've got to attract a mirror to keep proving that point to yourself.
• 31:38
  SPEAKER_01: Does that make sense?
• 31:39
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 31:40
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 31:41
  SPEAKER_01: Then the unworthy is different.
• 31:45
  SPEAKER_01: The unworthiness, uh, it manifests in people.
• 31:49
  SPEAKER_01: And again, this might be triggering for people, but the trigger is the route to the transformation.
• 31:56
  SPEAKER_01: People that have issues with their weight and issues with their money is always linked back to unworthiness.
• 32:02
  SPEAKER_01: Because if you felt worthy, would you treat your body differently?
• 32:05
  SPEAKER_01: If you felt worthy, you would attract more money.
• 32:07
  SPEAKER_01: It's like like this inherent, like, I'm I'm flawed, I'm not worthy of having what I want, of having more.
• 32:15
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not worthy of looking good.
• 32:17
  SPEAKER_01: Like this is also linked to like if there was any physical violence or abuse with the kid, they would also develop this unworthiness.
• 32:24
  SPEAKER_01: Cause why would I, if I was worthy, that would never happen to me.
• 32:26
  SPEAKER_01: And so then a lot of the times the weight that people carry is a protective mechanism, or the fact that they can't break through on their finances.
• 32:33
  SPEAKER_01: So how I kind of group it typically, and again, there's outliers in this, but I would say this is typically what I've noticed over the last 10, 15 years with people is like unlovable, you typically have like relational issues.
• 32:47
  SPEAKER_01: Unworthy, you literally have like money and weight issues.
• 32:52
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 32:53
  SPEAKER_00: What about the not enoughness?
• 32:56
  SPEAKER_00: Not good enough.
• 32:56
  SPEAKER_01: It that comes with unworthy.
• 32:58
  SPEAKER_01: Not enough is kind of part of the unworthiness.
• 33:00
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 33:01
  SPEAKER_01: So exactly.
• 33:01
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm not enough, there's not enough.
• 33:03
  SPEAKER_01: So that's how it gets related to money, to whatever, time.
• 33:06
  SPEAKER_01: People that are constantly telling you they don't have time.
• 33:08
  SPEAKER_01: They don't have time, they don't have time.
• 33:09
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, you're scrolling on the internet for seven hours a day.
• 33:12
  SPEAKER_01: You don't not have a time issue, you have a worthiness issue.
• 33:16
  SPEAKER_01: Ooh, yes.
• 33:18
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm saying?
• 33:19
  SPEAKER_00: 100%.
• 33:20
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 33:21
  SPEAKER_00: So for someone who's listening right now and is very self-aware and you know has done a lot of personal development work.
• 33:29
  SPEAKER_00: Can you share also the difference between like understanding our core wounds and actually transforming work to change it?
• 33:36
  SPEAKER_00: Oh yeah.
• 33:37
  SPEAKER_01: This is like my favorite question.
• 33:40
  SPEAKER_01: So everybody on the planet thinks they know everything.
• 33:43
  SPEAKER_01: Let's just start with that.
• 33:45
  SPEAKER_01: And now with the chat GBT uh used as a therapist, which I don't want to go into that because that'll just go off.
• 33:52
  SPEAKER_01: But like with chat and claw, you know, everybody information, we're in the we're in an era of like inundated information.
• 33:59
  SPEAKER_01: So it's not hard to find information.
• 34:02
  SPEAKER_01: But information is very different than integration and embodiment.
• 34:06
  SPEAKER_01: So when someone just understands or has awareness, let's call it awareness.
• 34:11
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, I'm aware that I have these patterns and I'm aware that my childhood was X, Y, Z.
• 34:19
  SPEAKER_01: And now I'm aware that I have a core wound maybe of unworthiness.
• 34:22
  SPEAKER_01: Cool.
• 34:23
  SPEAKER_01: Now what?
• 34:24
  SPEAKER_01: Well, the now what is where actually the transformation happens, where you actually have to do the integrated and embodiment of the healing of transforming awareness into embodiment and integration through the work.
• 34:37
  SPEAKER_01: So this is what I mean by like I could have people in my programs for years and years and years and years and years, and they show up and they watch it like it's Netflix.
• 34:45
  SPEAKER_01: They're just like, ooh, that's cool.
• 34:46
  SPEAKER_01: Ooh, I like what Adele said.
• 34:47
  SPEAKER_01: Ooh, it's amazing.
• 34:48
  SPEAKER_01: But they're not doing any of the practices or the embodiment of the work.
• 34:51
  SPEAKER_01: That is not going to transform you.
• 34:52
  SPEAKER_01: That's just going to leave you in what I call awareness hell.
• 34:54
  SPEAKER_01: And awareness hell is when you're so fucking aware, but you're not doing anything about it, it feels like hell.
• 34:59
  SPEAKER_01: And this is where 90% of people want to live.
• 35:02
  SPEAKER_01: They just want to seem like they're aware.
• 35:04
  SPEAKER_01: And look at me, I'm so smart.
• 35:05
  SPEAKER_01: I know.
• 35:06
  SPEAKER_01: But the real work happens in this integration.
• 35:10
  SPEAKER_01: And that whether you do it with someone like me, or you do it with someone like you, or you do it with some other facilitator, coach, therapist, mentor, there's a doing of the work internally that needs to happen to move it from awareness into integration, into embodiment.
• 35:26
  SPEAKER_01: Embodiment is the key, is the mastery.
• 35:29
  SPEAKER_01: And that is where I go off a lot about this on the internet, but there's a lot of people out there, spiritual leaders, facilitators of the work, who are not embodied in what they teach, and it's creating a lot of mistrust in the industry because they're talking about it, but they're not living it.
• 35:44
  SPEAKER_01: And so again, you can have awareness without have, and then maybe you're integrating it some, but you haven't really embodied it.
• 35:51
  SPEAKER_01: And the embodiment is where the mastery happens.
• 35:54
  SPEAKER_01: And it's also where all the best results happen.
• 35:57
  SPEAKER_01: So, for example, me and my work, like I've I'm embodied in what I teach.
• 36:01
  SPEAKER_01: Like I live it, I breathe it, I am it.
• 36:05
  SPEAKER_01: There is no separation of it anymore.
• 36:07
  SPEAKER_01: Like I just, this is who I am.
• 36:09
  SPEAKER_01: And because it's who I am now, the results are really easy.
• 36:13
  SPEAKER_01: The millions that I make is very easy and aligned.
• 36:16
  SPEAKER_01: The opportunities show up easily and aligned.
• 36:18
  SPEAKER_01: Like it's I'm not grasping or trying to manipulate to get anything happen.
• 36:23
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just the embodiment of this work.
• 36:26
  SPEAKER_01: So people that are gravitated to that, they find me.
• 36:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 36:31
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I love that.
• 36:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I I just want to highlight too the pursuit of that and really like doing the work and putting in the reps and building the muscle, just like physically when you're, you know, going through a physical transformation.
• 36:43
  SPEAKER_00: It's not an overnight success story.
• 36:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I think it's so brave to do this work and to lead in this work because it means that you are opening yourself up to be constantly tested in this work as well.
• 36:54
  SPEAKER_00: True.
• 36:55
  SPEAKER_00: And truth.
• 36:57
  SPEAKER_01: I am, I have the humility, and this is, I think, the other word.
• 37:01
  SPEAKER_01: I have the humility to know that I'm an eternal student.
• 37:05
  SPEAKER_01: That the minute I reach another peak, there's a whole new landscape.
• 37:09
  SPEAKER_01: So when people are like, oh, I did a course in 2021, I'm I done healing.
• 37:15
  SPEAKER_01: Cool.
• 37:16
  SPEAKER_01: What the fuck does that mean?
• 37:19
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I'm healed.
• 37:20
  SPEAKER_01: I'm fully healed.
• 37:21
  SPEAKER_01: Fully healed.
• 37:22
  SPEAKER_01: Well, congratulations.
• 37:23
  SPEAKER_01: You're the one and only.
• 37:24
  SPEAKER_01: Like it's like, no, this is a this is for me that I'm a student for life of this work because at every level, you will unearth another level of a pattern that you thought you already healed that is showing up with a new crest for you to be able to see yourself and to continuously, you know, do the healing.
• 37:45
  SPEAKER_01: So it's like, to your point, like I do open myself up constantly to be initiated into this work.
• 37:52
  SPEAKER_01: And that's why I don't have um, I say this to my students all the time, it's especially inside of my certification.
• 37:59
  SPEAKER_01: Like, if you are gonna be certified in this method, wouldn't that's and I can share more with you on that, but like if you want to be certified to do what I do, then you have to take on the eternal student mindset.
• 38:10
  SPEAKER_01: Like you cannot, you're not arriving anywhere, you know.
• 38:13
  SPEAKER_01: And if you're gonna coach people to do this work, you better fucking be continuously working on yourself.
• 38:19
  SPEAKER_01: Because I I actually don't trust a coach or mentor who's not being coached or mentored.
• 38:25
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I think if you just think you've got it all figured out, you don't.
• 38:29
  SPEAKER_01: You don't.
• 38:30
  SPEAKER_01: There is always another crest.
• 38:31
  SPEAKER_01: There is always a mountain with no peak.
• 38:33
  SPEAKER_01: There is, there is always a new level.
• 38:35
  SPEAKER_01: There's always every level of consciousness.
• 38:37
  SPEAKER_01: It's like you unlock a new series of rules or codes that were not available for you to see at the lower consciousness.
• 38:45
  SPEAKER_01: So you arrive there and you're like, oh, new landscape.
• 38:49
  SPEAKER_01: It's kind of like having like a guide take you up Mount Kilimanjaro.
• 38:53
  SPEAKER_01: Like you're gonna go up the mountain by your fucking self.
• 38:55
  SPEAKER_01: You'll die.
• 38:56
  SPEAKER_01: Literally, you will die.
• 38:57
  SPEAKER_01: You need a guide to tell you here's what the oxygen levels are like, here's what you need to do.
• 39:02
  SPEAKER_01: That's all that coaching and mentorship is, is that you are working with someone who's a little bit ahead of you or has traversed that mountain and knows how to guide you.
• 39:10
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 39:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, absolutely.
• 39:13
  SPEAKER_00: I want to talk about high achievers specifically, because I know we have a lot of high achievers listening right now.
• 39:18
  SPEAKER_00: And you've said that sometimes they can be some of the hardest people to transform.
• 39:24
  SPEAKER_00: So I'd love to dive into that and really talk about like why our intelligence, our ambition, our work ethic can become a sophisticated form of avoidance.
• 39:38
  SPEAKER_00: Ooh, that's a good way of saying it.
• 39:40
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 39:40
  SPEAKER_01: Totally.
• 39:41
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 39:42
  SPEAKER_01: So how do I let's let's kind of explain it this way.
• 39:47
  SPEAKER_01: Your children, right?
• 39:48
  SPEAKER_01: If they, if your children, who are now five and seven, because they are fairly a clean slate, let's call it.
• 39:59
  SPEAKER_01: If they were to drop into this work or this conversation, like my son, when he listens to me teach, he gets it immediately.
• 40:07
  SPEAKER_01: There's like no resistance.
• 40:08
  SPEAKER_01: He's just like, yeah, that totally makes sense.
• 40:10
  SPEAKER_01: That's how the universe works.
• 40:11
  SPEAKER_01: Like there's like he's almost like it's it's actually adorable that my 10-year-old has more emotional intelligence than some 70-year-olds.
• 40:20
  SPEAKER_01: Because it just shows you that children, they understand the truth, man.
• 40:24
  SPEAKER_01: They, when you drop a truth bomb, boom, got it.
• 40:28
  SPEAKER_01: But what happens is as we become intelligent and our intellect is the dominant force in our life, it's also where the ego is housed.
• 40:40
  SPEAKER_01: So your ego has manipulated you to bel to avoid or to have these sophisticated sabotaging strategies or sophisticated ways to avoid because it's quite sophisticated.
• 40:52
  SPEAKER_01: And so when someone is a higher achiever or super intellectual, it's almost more difficult because it's like so much um uner, like so much unlearning that has to happen.
• 41:06
  SPEAKER_01: Like, because your whole life has been built on that, what has been your intellect, but you've completely avoided your emotional self.
• 41:14
  SPEAKER_01: You've completely avoided mostly your physical self, you've completely avoided the spiritual aspect of you because you actually live on four planes of understanding mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual.
• 41:24
  SPEAKER_01: So your mental has been like boo-boo-boo, defy the intellect, intellect, intellect, intellect.
• 41:28
  SPEAKER_01: But transformation doesn't happen at the level of the intellect, it happens at the level of the emotional self.
• 41:32
  SPEAKER_01: So it's like you don't even know you have an emotional self.
• 41:35
  SPEAKER_01: And so, whereas children are all in their emotional self, so it's like they can just drop in with non-resistance.
• 41:42
  SPEAKER_01: So, like I feel like sometimes it's not that it's harder to work with intelligent people, it's just like they have more internal resistance.
• 41:50
  SPEAKER_01: So they make it harder on themselves.
• 41:53
  SPEAKER_01: But I the way that I work is I just have I can transcend the intellect pretty quickly with people and just really drop into how the transformation needs to occur.
• 42:05
  SPEAKER_01: And that's part of my mastery is like, yeah, I get you're smart.
• 42:09
  SPEAKER_01: You went here in Princeton, like, who gives a shit?
• 42:12
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, let's deal with this part of you, the emotional part of you.
• 42:15
  SPEAKER_01: Cause that's actually where we have to access the patterns.
• 42:18
  SPEAKER_01: That's actually where we have to access that emotional child.
• 42:21
  SPEAKER_01: That's actually where the transformation is going to happen.
• 42:23
  SPEAKER_01: So what you think you already know is irrelevant to this transformation.
• 42:28
  SPEAKER_00: So good.
• 42:29
  SPEAKER_00: I love that it reflected back to me how I was just reflecting recently on how I feel a different level of tired in this season of parenthood that I'm in.
• 42:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm just like, you know, I'm sleeping again.
• 42:39
  SPEAKER_00: Like I want like four years of really broken sleep because my little guy just was never someone, he just never needed a lot of sleep.
• 42:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I was reflecting on this to my husband because we uh run the business together as well.
• 42:53
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, right now this summer, we don't have as many camps.
• 42:55
  SPEAKER_00: We have the kids home.
• 42:56
  SPEAKER_00: We're balancing new things and our capacity is expanding with that.
• 43:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I was just reflecting on it.
• 43:03
  SPEAKER_00: And then as I'm talking to him, my daughter's sitting there and she starts asking all these questions.
• 43:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm just, it just clicked for me.
• 43:09
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, oh, that's why I'm tired.
• 43:12
  SPEAKER_00: Because in addition to holding all of this other stuff, I am also, she's in such an inquisitive season.
• 43:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to nurture that and like not be like, no, this is a conversation that you're not involved in.
• 43:25
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to shut her out.
• 43:26
  SPEAKER_00: So everything that I'm doing, I feel like I'm doing twice because I'm doing it once for myself, and then once to explain it to her and bring her along.
• 43:35
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, it's like it's a capacity thing.
• 43:38
  SPEAKER_01: Like there, as their neurons and everything are firing and their brain is developing, and there's so much going on.
• 43:44
  SPEAKER_01: Wait till your kids go.
• 43:45
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I really noticed it with my son from like nine to ten.
• 43:49
  SPEAKER_01: Like he's now 10 and he's crazy gross spurt, and like his he needs so much more rest, and his brain is all these things are happening.
• 43:57
  SPEAKER_01: So every stage it requires like a different.
• 44:00
  SPEAKER_01: Different gear from you.
• 44:01
  SPEAKER_01: Cause when they're babies, like it's hard in some ways because they're not sleeping, but you could just like put them in the bassinet for six hours and like they're fine, not six hours, like well, let's not call CHS, but you know what I'm saying?
• 44:11
  SPEAKER_01: Whereas like when they're five or seven and they're like, What's this?
• 44:14
  SPEAKER_01: And why this?
• 44:14
  SPEAKER_01: And what's this?
• 44:15
  SPEAKER_01: You're like, okay, I've now I have to like take the gear of patience.
• 44:18
  SPEAKER_01: And then when you're 10 and they're like, you know, out later than you are, like my son wants to play in the neighborhood till like 9:30, and I'm already tucked away in bed.
• 44:27
  SPEAKER_01: And like I'm like, oh my God, like it's time to come.
• 44:29
  SPEAKER_01: So it's it's constantly your brain is also reorganizing itself and their brains are reorganizing themselves.
• 44:36
  SPEAKER_01: And it's like, that's why like parenthood is like it's it just stretches your capacity, especially if you're an entrepreneur, because I'm dealing all day with my clients and helping coaching them, and then I'm dealing with my son who's having his issues, and it's like, and I'm also dealing with myself, and then I'm dealing with my husband, and he's you know, so yeah, like it's it's a lot, yeah.
• 44:55
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 44:58
  SPEAKER_00: I wanna talk a little bit about clarifying the difference between mindset work and identity work.
• 45:06
  SPEAKER_00: And your questions are so good.
• 45:10
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, good, good.
• 45:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and really, yeah, why why changing our thoughts can only take us so far?
• 45:20
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my god, these are such good, they're such good questions because it's like this is kind of what I'm constantly riffing on, but the way that you you're asking them is really good.
• 45:30
  SPEAKER_01: Um so mindset work, my husband and I, who's also does similar work to me, but he works with men and I work with women.
• 45:38
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I love that.
• 45:39
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 45:41
  SPEAKER_01: We like at our dinner table, we'll like kind of like just like we make a lot of jokes about how like I would do a Netflix documentary series on all like the like personal development, like just just jokes.
• 45:51
  SPEAKER_01: Like I would just like go off about all the things.
• 45:53
  SPEAKER_01: So what is mindset work?
• 45:55
  SPEAKER_01: Like, what is mindset really?
• 45:57
  SPEAKER_01: And people often don't even know what that means.
• 46:00
  SPEAKER_01: And it's when I think about mindset work, to me, it's like the most superficial layer of the work.
• 46:07
  SPEAKER_01: Like if you think about your skin, and I don't mean superficial in a negative way, I'm just saying, like, if you think about your skin, you've got your epidermis and you've got your dermis and you've got all the layers of your skin until you have to hit the bone.
• 46:17
  SPEAKER_01: And mindset work is like the most superficial layer.
• 46:20
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, oh, let me just change my thinking.
• 46:22
  SPEAKER_01: If I change my thinking, it's like the secret, change your thoughts and you start to manifest.
• 46:26
  SPEAKER_01: That's not how it works.
• 46:27
  SPEAKER_01: So, yes, is it important to change your thinking?
• 46:30
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely, but beyond that, why are you thinking the way that you're thinking?
• 46:36
  SPEAKER_01: And why, and what actually informs the thinking, the feeling, and then what informs the feeling, the belief, and what informs the belief, the paradigm, and what informs the paradigm, the programming.
• 46:44
  SPEAKER_01: Like you gotta go so much, so much deeper.
• 46:47
  SPEAKER_01: So, identity work isn't just about the thinking, because the brain that's doing the thinking needs to change.
• 46:53
  SPEAKER_01: The mind doing the thinking needs to change.
• 46:55
  SPEAKER_01: Otherwise, you're just creating the same level of thinking.
• 46:58
  SPEAKER_01: So, identity work, which is the work I do, is a much deeper lens where it takes your nervous system into account.
• 47:04
  SPEAKER_01: So, how did your nervous system get set the way that it did?
• 47:07
  SPEAKER_01: How did your mind get set the way that you did?
• 47:09
  SPEAKER_01: What's going on foundationally?
• 47:11
  SPEAKER_01: Like all these other pieces, it's like the roots of the tree.
• 47:15
  SPEAKER_01: And so, my to me, just when people are just like change your thinking, uh that's like saying, uh, okay, just put a little bit of cream back here, like versus we have to change the mind doing the thinking.
• 47:29
  SPEAKER_01: We have to transform the the nervous system holding the mind.
• 47:35
  SPEAKER_01: So it's like that is for like this is like the TikTok hack thing, like the seven mind steps, tricks to blah blah blah.
• 47:43
  SPEAKER_01: Whereas this is like real fucking transformation.
• 47:46
  SPEAKER_01: This is like the very unsexy work that a lot of people don't want to have to do because they and this is what I talked about in a podcast the other day, but that is like people compare my chapter 32 to their chapter two, meaning they're like, I want to be like a dell and make millions.
• 47:59
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, do you fucking know how unsexy it was for a while before I did that?
• 48:07
  SPEAKER_01: Are you willing to face yourself?
• 48:10
  SPEAKER_01: Are you willing to see the truth about life?
• 48:14
  SPEAKER_01: Are you willing to go to your inner child and have and go back and deal with those difficult memories?
• 48:21
  SPEAKER_01: Are you, it's not just like, okay, I want to be like Adele.
• 48:24
  SPEAKER_01: Well, then you've got to see all the unsexy work Adele did to get here this version of me.
• 48:29
  SPEAKER_01: And when I say unsexy work, I'm talking daily practices, daily, daily, daily, religiously, no days off, no Hanukkah, no Christmas, no Kwanza, like no bullshit excuses, the real fucking deal all the time, 24-7 tending to my frequency, 24-7 doing the work.
• 48:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 48:44
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 48:45
  SPEAKER_00: 24-7.
• 48:47
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 48:48
  SPEAKER_00: And can you share then, you know, from the other side, in your I'd love to hear more on your own transformation story to take this full circle from what we talked about at the beginning.
• 48:58
  SPEAKER_00: But like what happens when someone truly heals?
• 49:01
  SPEAKER_00: And I knowing that it's, you know, we're never fully healed, but it's healing at the level of identity.
• 49:06
  SPEAKER_00: And how does that show up?
• 49:08
  SPEAKER_00: How do their choices, their relationships, their capacity to receive also?
• 49:13
  SPEAKER_00: I'd love to love to talk about that, really begin to transform along with that.
• 49:19
  SPEAKER_00: So so sorry.
• 49:20
  SPEAKER_00: So say that part again.
• 49:21
  SPEAKER_00: So, like what when you mean full of things.
• 49:23
  SPEAKER_00: And they feel at that identity level.
• 49:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, oh, yeah.
• 49:26
  SPEAKER_00: How does that show up in terms of their choices that they're making, their relationships?
• 49:29
  SPEAKER_00: And and I I'd love to also tap into like their ability to receive because I know that is such the core.
• 49:35
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 49:36
  SPEAKER_01: So when you so here's the difference.
• 49:38
  SPEAKER_01: So it's kind of like when people are juice doing superficial mindset work, it will be like they will have, uh, they might have like a heightened experience for a moment, but it's not long lasting.
• 49:49
  SPEAKER_01: When you're healing at identity level, you, your beingness, who you are being, completely transforms.
• 49:57
  SPEAKER_01: Like you can never go backward.
• 49:59
  SPEAKER_01: So, like once you become aware and you actually transform the wound or you you heal a version of your an old identity that no longer serves you, your that's your new set point now.
• 50:11
  SPEAKER_01: So, like that's who I am now.
• 50:13
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not going backward now.
• 50:14
  SPEAKER_01: This is who I am.
• 50:15
  SPEAKER_01: And you continuously progress up versus like keep sliding.
• 50:19
  SPEAKER_01: So when people are doing a lot of this, Carly, that tells me you haven't actually healed the root.
• 50:25
  SPEAKER_01: It's just kind of like lipstick on a pig.
• 50:26
  SPEAKER_01: Let me just put more lipstick on this pig.
• 50:29
  SPEAKER_01: When someone, how real healing works should be like like this, and then quantum leap and then stabilize and then whoop.
• 50:36
  SPEAKER_01: So it's like that trajectory versus this trajectory.
• 50:42
  SPEAKER_01: And then and then the piece around receiving, and I think we'll probably I don't know if we'll end on this piece because I mean we could talk forever, but the piece around receiving, I mean, that's a whole other second episode that we can definitely do, but I'll drop this piece in.
• 50:54
  SPEAKER_01: It's like if you don't feel worthy at the core wound, part of that will show up in your ability to receive.
• 51:01
  SPEAKER_01: Because why would you be able to receive if you don't inherently feel worthy of having more?
• 51:07
  SPEAKER_01: So I, when I start talking about receiving work, that's usually later on in like my pillars, like I have like four pillars to how I work.
• 51:16
  SPEAKER_01: We got to heal the kid in you, the child.
• 51:19
  SPEAKER_01: And then when we start to get into advanced manifestation, I call it, that's when we really talk about masculine, feminine energetics and that the feminine, the divine feminine, holds the key to receivership.
• 51:30
  SPEAKER_01: So it's our ability to actually allow ourselves, give ourselves permission to drop into that receivership.
• 51:37
  SPEAKER_01: But a lot of the women that I coach are so deeply ingrained in their toxic masculine that they do, do, do, do, do.
• 51:44
  SPEAKER_01: But when the receiving sequence is ready to be received, they don't know how to do that.
• 51:47
  SPEAKER_01: But that also goes back to their childhood.
• 51:49
  SPEAKER_01: So it's like we still got to go back there.
• 51:51
  SPEAKER_01: And then by the time we get into like receivership, it becomes easy because you start to recognize your divinity and that I'm God in human form.
• 51:59
  SPEAKER_01: So part of that is that I get to receive graciously.
• 52:03
  SPEAKER_01: But we can't get to hear until we do all that stuff.
• 52:06
  SPEAKER_01: So this is what I mean by like people want to get to hear.
• 52:08
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yes, I'd like to receive the money.
• 52:12
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, okay, then play the lottery, I guess.
• 52:16
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 52:16
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 52:17
  SPEAKER_00: Versus, uh, are you gonna be able to hold it?
• 52:20
  SPEAKER_00: No, well, that's a whole other conversation.
• 52:23
  SPEAKER_01: But that's why, like, when we really work at the root of the child and like in the nervous system and the conditioning, then by the time we get to like divine receivership, it feels more natural for the nervous system to be able to do that, to receive and hold.
• 52:37
  SPEAKER_01: Because now we're dealing at the level of like, I actually am worthy and nothing, I was always born worthy and nothing has changed, but I forgot that.
• 52:43
  SPEAKER_01: Now I know that.
• 52:45
  SPEAKER_01: So I receive graciously all the time.
• 52:47
  SPEAKER_01: Big money comes into my life all the time.
• 52:49
  SPEAKER_01: I receive all kinds of things, not just money, like opportunities and friendship and love and support.
• 52:54
  SPEAKER_01: Like it's your receipt, it's your portal of receivership, is everything.
• 52:58
  SPEAKER_01: And a lot of women, this is where they get stopped, like especially executive, entrepreneurial founders, like women that have had to be in the gear of the masculine for so long.
• 53:08
  SPEAKER_01: And that was my story.
• 53:09
  SPEAKER_01: I did not know how to receive.
• 53:10
  SPEAKER_01: Like I was a terrible receiver before I did this work because I didn't feel worthy of receiving it.
• 53:16
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 53:17
  SPEAKER_01: And then when I did receive it, it would like disappear.
• 53:20
  SPEAKER_01: Like so they receive it and then it's gone.
• 53:23
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 53:24
  SPEAKER_01: Stay tuned for part two all on receiving.
• 53:27
  SPEAKER_01: I would love to do a part two on masculine and feminine energetics.
• 53:31
  SPEAKER_01: Cause like, especially for leader, female leaders, we are moving into an era of like really needing to claim the feminine because it is completely toxic to run your business like a man.
• 53:44
  SPEAKER_01: It is actually the biggest act of self-betrayal for most women.
• 53:48
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, I can't wait for that because wow, this hour flew by.
• 53:52
  SPEAKER_00: So many.
• 53:53
  SPEAKER_00: I love beautiful insights and gold nuggets.
• 53:56
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much, Adele.
• 53:57
  SPEAKER_00: I'd love to end on just if you can share who is your favorite self and how do you feel most connected to her?
• 54:05
  SPEAKER_01: This, this self right here.
• 54:07
  SPEAKER_01: The teacher self, the mentor, the spiritual guide, the the channel.
• 54:11
  SPEAKER_01: Like when I'm in the flow of my work and when I'm channeling and when I'm in my alignment with the highest expression of myself, like that, that's just like the most exalted version of me.
• 54:22
  SPEAKER_01: But I feel like I live these days, I live this exalted version like most of the time, you know, because I'm either channeling or teaching or leading or facilitating or having these kinds of great conversations with women like you that just get it and we get to drop in.
• 54:38
  SPEAKER_01: So I would say that my life right these days feels pretty rich in this way.
• 54:42
  SPEAKER_01: And this is this version of me so far, because I've only ever met this, like this is the best version of me so far, but we meet in six months and I'll probably have a different story for you.
• 54:51
  SPEAKER_01: But it's like I think I'm constantly evolving and I'm constantly embodying and dropping into this highest expression of myself more and more and more every day.
• 55:00
  SPEAKER_01: And it just feels richer and better every day.
• 55:05
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 55:05
  SPEAKER_00: Beautiful.
• 55:06
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for being such a powerful expander and guide and teacher for us.
• 55:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I can't wait for part two.
• 55:11
  SPEAKER_00: Let us know how to find you, how to connect it with you, and tell us a little bit of the certification or whatever you're working on that you're excited about right now.
• 55:19
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 55:20
  SPEAKER_01: So finding me on Instagram is always the best at Adele underscore Tevlin.
• 55:24
  SPEAKER_01: Um, my website also adtevin.com.
• 55:27
  SPEAKER_01: Um, the thing that I'm super pumped about is I've created a six-month certification to teach other people how to facilitate the work that I do.
• 55:35
  SPEAKER_01: And we are currently our first cohort ever has been in this certification for the last four months.
• 55:41
  SPEAKER_01: And it has been, there's like 50 women in there, and it has just been absolutely life-altering.
• 55:47
  SPEAKER_01: And um, that certification is becoming evergreen.
• 55:51
  SPEAKER_01: So we are like really calling all leaders to do this work, even if you don't want to, you know, facilitate it, but just like your own embodiment of the work, the way that I teach it and the way that we present the work and the homework, it really is a very deep dive into this work.
• 56:05
  SPEAKER_01: So that's my certification.
• 56:07
  SPEAKER_01: I'm super excited about it.
• 56:09
  SPEAKER_01: And yeah, I'm inviting yeah.
• 56:12
  SPEAKER_00: What a profound ripple effect that you're having.
• 56:14
  SPEAKER_00: And all truly, the fact that, like I said, our I think our greatest responsibility is healing our own inner child and the fact that you are creating the tools and the support and the facilitation for so many people to be guided through that is incredible.
• 56:27
  SPEAKER_00: Incredible.
• 56:28
  SPEAKER_00: So thank you.
• 56:28
  SPEAKER_01: I have a big goal.
• 56:29
  SPEAKER_01: I want like at least a thousand people a year to go through this certification.
• 56:33
  SPEAKER_01: Amazing.
• 56:34
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 56:34
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, well, we'll leave all the links in the show notes.
• 56:37
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for being here.
• 56:39
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much, everyone, for listening.
• 56:41
  SPEAKER_00: And we'll talk to you next week.
• 56:43
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, bye.
• 56:44
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening to the Favorite Self podcast.
• 56:46
  SPEAKER_00: If this episode stirred something in you, there's a reason for it.
• 56:50
  SPEAKER_00: You could take a moment to share with a friend, someone who's also building something brave, that would mean so much to me.
• 56:56
  SPEAKER_00: Better yet, leave a review.
• 56:58
  SPEAKER_00: It helps this message reach even more women who are ready to lead differently.
• 57:02
  SPEAKER_00: And before you go, remember this your favorite self is already within you, waiting to be heard.
• 57:09
  SPEAKER_00: See you next time.