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Focusing on What is Constant: Lessons Learned from the Beach · Love and Science Fertility

• 0:35
  Speaker 1: Welcome back to the Love and Science podcast.
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: This week's episode is inspired by a recent trip to the beach I took with my extended family, and we've been going to this particular place for over 30 years.
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: It reminded me that a lot of things change and a lot of things also stay the same, and sometimes what we focus our attention on really makes all the difference in how we feel and how grounded we feel on a moment-to-moment basis, and also how we project that onto our sense of security for the future.
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: So, based on this experience, I want to shed some of my I dare to say wisdom, inspiration from the beach to say of what changes, what can we count on, both at the beach and on our fertility journey?
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: So let's think about the beach for a second.
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: So when I first started coming to the beach, I was not even 10 years old yet, and if you think about when you're a kid, you have your kid point of view.
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: As I got into high school, I was focusing on AP classes and maybe doing homework at the beach sometimes, and then, as I got older, you know, things changed too.
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: So for me, I have had a lot of different life stages at the beach and for me it's a marker of time.
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: It's also a marker of what has changed in the last year or two years, three years.
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: I have journal entries that even show me.
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: Even if my mind wanders and I think that perhaps things are different than my mind remembers them, I have at least some objective data based on what I've written.
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: So it's just kind of an interesting thought experiment to take a step away, get some space from it to say, okay, a lot of things do change and yet many things do stay the same.
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: So when I'm at the beach I don't know about you, but I am particularly aware of the moon.
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: I'm always aware of the moon, to be clear.
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: But there's something about the tides and the reflection of the moon on the water.
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: Just the phase of the moon is always very clear to me and I just feel that nourishment, that feminine divine energy, and it really makes me feel just connected to myself and connected to the rest of the world.
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: So the moon, yes, it is ever-changing with the cycles and the tides and the phases, and yet it's a constant presence.
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: Right, it's there.
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: We know it's going to be there.
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: It is in relationship and gravitational force, relationship with the earth and the tides, and it is actually a constant, even though it changes.
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: It's something that we can count on.
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: Another thing that always stays the same and this is true at the beach, it's also true every single day of our lives, but it's such a simple thing to say.
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: But the sun always rises again, right?
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: So even if we're having the worst day ever and we know we just need to wake up in another day, we can count on the fact that the next day the sun is going to rise, and maybe that sunrise looks a little bit different for each of us from our vantage point in the world.
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: Some days it might be cloudy and we might not see the sun until it peaks up over the clouds, Maybe not at the actual quote unquote sunrise time, but a little bit later.
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: But we know that the earth keeps turning, the sun keeps rising and, as my father says, it's a new dawn, it's a new day.
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: There is always hope that something new, something unforeseen is going to happen, maybe something that we couldn't even predict, because it is a new day.
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: And another thing that always gives me comfort is when I see familiar geography, and Brene Brown writes about how complicated nostalgia can be, because I think sometimes we have again.
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: We have memories that exist in a certain way and sometimes, if we don't experience something, as the memory might suggest, place can be complicated.
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: You know it's not all roses, because it can bring up some feelings, but I think that you know, when there's familiar geography, when the streets are the same, when you sort of have this almost like muscle memory within you of where the paths are and what the beautiful places are, there is a familiar comfort in that and again, this doesn't have to be at the beach, this can be in your backyard.
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: But sometimes we don't notice the same things in our familiar surroundings every day as we do when we have some time and space from, say, like a pilgrimage every single year.
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: So just, you know, we can think about this in our own lives too, because I think there is a lot of comfort in the familiarity.
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: But there's something about a week away where we can put our typical life behind and maybe be a little bit more present.
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: Again, I would challenge us all to do that in our day-to-day, but it's a little bit easier, sometimes a little bit more natural, to do that when we set aside a week away.
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: Set aside a week away and another thing that you know I always find very comforting about being at the beach which you know can come up as well in our day-to-day lives is just the sensory details, right Like there's a particular feeling of how the sand feels on your feet.
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: The wind, for me, just really just brings me into the present moment, the feeling of the sun on my skin.
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: The power of scent is so interesting because you can't capture that memory really, but there's something about our brains that when we smell something that has a particular memory associated with it, it just takes us to this almost universal, timeless place.
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: I find the scent of the seawater just so humbling and powerful and beautiful and I just love how it just overpowers and takes over and surprises me always with its beauty and its subtle strength.
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: So, thinking about when we are thinking about constants, there are certain sensory experiences about a place that can really bring us back.
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: So I want to transition now to really talk about when we're on the fertility journey, how that is similar to having some things that are changing and some things that are the same.
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: So what can we hang our hat on?
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: What can we find grounding in as we're getting all this data from our IVF cycle as we're trying to determine the next steps, as maybe our location's changing or our insurance is changing.
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: There's so many variables in the fertility journey that can feel very disconcerting and can leave us, honestly, feeling very powerless and helpless and afraid.
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: I mean, these are very natural, understandable emotions, right.
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: But, especially as female physicians and professionals, part of what I love helping people to do is to take back our agency in these situations where it feels powerless.
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: But we actually can take back our power in small ways and big ways too, actually.
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: So what stays the same in the fertility journey?
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: One thing at Love Science we do when we first start out is we uncover our deepest why, and that is the reason that we are doing all this.
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: That's the reason that we show up at the fertility clinic over and over.
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: That is the reason that we are doing all this.
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: That's the reason that we show up at the fertility clinic over and over.
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: It's the reason that we stay committed to the journey when the times get tough and when we can think about our deepest why, like a reason for doing this.
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: As hard as things get, we can find the inner strength, we can find the collective strength to keep going.
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: And so that deepest why, you know we talk about it.
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: Each person has their own particular why.
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: Maybe it's to become a parent, maybe it's to grow your family, maybe it's to break cycles of intergenerational trauma.
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: There's so many different ways that this can manifest.
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: But when you identify your deepest why that this can manifest, but when you identify your deepest why just like Viktor Frankl said, right, who is in the Holocaust, it basically makes any how more bearable, right, because we find what we need to keep going, we find that motivation and we are all cut from the same cloth here.
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: We are strong, we are persistent and we stay committed to the process as long as it makes sense to do so, right?
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: So I think that figuring out the deepest why in the midst of all the change, is a grounding and a constant, and it provides a lot of strength that other things just can't.
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: And I also think it's really important to have a sense of perspective.
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: And one thing I always try to bring myself back to is that I am not my own highest power.
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: Right, in my wisdom tradition, which is Christian, you know, I do believe in a Judeo-Christian God.
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: This is not to say that.
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: You know, I have multiple friends and colleagues from other faiths.
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: I think the most important thing is to recognize that we are not God and the universe is way much greater than we are as individuals.
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: Yes, we have that divine core, yes, we have that universal power accessible to us, but, thank goodness, we're not our own God, because it gives us a place of rest, it gives us inner strength.
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: It gives us a place of rest, it gives us inner strength, it gives us a sense of perspective, it tells us that we're really not alone in this universe, right?
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: And so, however you interpret this, just recognizing that, at least for me, I know that when I meditate, when I pray, that I find the comfort I need, that I'm not alone.
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: Sometimes I send my clients, my patients, I pray with them, I send them strength with my friends.
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: I do this as well with my family, and I just think that there's a lot of collective power in a spiritual foundation.
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: And for me, my faith is a constant and I really Faith is a constant and I really offer that to inspire you to lean on it.
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: If that's part of your upbringing, part of your worldview, I think it can really help a lot in these situations.
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: Another constant is your character right.
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: I will say that my patients, my clients they are some of the strongest people I know, right, many of them, many of you, have gotten through medical school residency, fellowship, moves, trials, tribulations, family member illnesses, while undergoing these things right?
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: So I think that, recognizing that I am me right.
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: So every year things change, same for you every year.
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: Things change, but my core remains the same, right, my character remains the same.
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: I can trust myself, I am resourceful, we can do hard things, I am kind, I am compassionate, I am empathetic these things I remind myself of that.
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: Yes, externals can change, but I can dig deep to these character traits that are not going away ever, right, and I can lean on them and understand that these are tools in my toolkit that can get me through.
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: And I'd say the same is true for you, if you're listening, you have persistence, you have resilience, you have strength and remind yourself that you've gotten through even harder things before and you will persist and get through this as well.
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: Another thing that many of us have most of us have is strong relationships, and I understand that sometimes relationships can change.
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: When you're undergoing the fertility journey, like sometimes friendships change or maybe are not a safe space anymore.
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: Stay tuned We'll do a couple podcasts on that coming up.
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: But maybe you have a really strong partner and you lean on each other, right?
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: I'm always inspired by beautiful couples who are able to do that during this time.
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: Maybe you have a really good friend who's also gone through fertility treatments and they just get it and they're your safe place.
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: Our relationships, yes, they do change a little bit over time.
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: They can change forms, but the really strong ones at the core, they can be your rock, they can be your safe place, and so that's a resource.
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: A lot of us don't think about a lot of the times, or we think of, maybe, friendships as accessory, but take an inventory of your social capital and see who's in your inner circle and draw upon those resources as you need to during this time, because relationships are constant and love with a capital love with a capital L excuse me is constant, and I really do think that's what gets us through.
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: I think that your team is really important and so you know, a lot of my clients have an REI, their REI who's really in their corner and who, you know, thinks outside the box and who looks at the data, and this is what I do for my patients right Is.
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: I look at each person as an individual.
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: I look at their values, I look at their goals and I believe in every single one of my patients and my clients, and that's what each person here deserves, right?
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: A person who is in their corner, who believes in them, who understands them in their particular situation, who really is committed through the process.
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: So lean on them right.
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: Ask them the hard questions, make a follow-up appointment if things aren't making sense or if you're not sure about what your next steps are.
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: And a lot of my clients say this about me as well.
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: When I do the love and science work is, I really do believe in my clients, I believe in community, and they know that every other Friday night, we're going to show up and we're going to meet as a group and we're going to be together, and that is something that they can count on.
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: That's something that I can count on, because I show up, I'm committed, I'm passionate and we create a safe space.
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: That doesn't just exist on Fridays.
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: We have a WhatsApp chat, which is just really amazing.
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: We share inspirational quotes, we you know when it's somebody's retrieval day or transfer day or you know something else is going on in somebody's fertility journey, we all rally together and come together as a community.
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: But so that you know, if that is your situation, if you're listening to this, you're part of love and science.
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: You know it's true that we can really count on each other and that's a constant, you know.
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: If you're curious, just know that this safe space exists, because one of the worst parts about this whole journey is it's just so darn isolating.
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: Many people don't even know anybody else who's undergoing this right.
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: So if that's, you, connect with me because I can get you connected and nobody should undergo this alone, no-transcript.
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: So you know, in all of this thinking about you know, the beach is really just kind of a metaphor because this exists in all places of life.
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: But when we look at where our attention goes, that's where our energy flows.
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: So we could look at a situation.
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: You know there's that song by Sarah McLachlan and I love her as an artist.
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: World on Fire, right.
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: Sometimes I can even look at my own life and look at this fire and that fire and this fire and really just feel very overwhelmed.
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: I also think that if I look at my resources and the fact that I'm not alone and the fact that I have my character and my integrity and my faith and my family and my people, and I think about all those.
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: It's like that quote.
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: You know, what lies before us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: We have our inner strength.
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: We have our resources.
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: When we can focus on what is constant in our lives, when we can focus on what brings us comfort, what brings us solace, what brings us grounding, we can come back to that, that deep.
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: Why those resources that do not change?
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: They only get stronger with time and we can draw on them in these times of need.
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: And I think that we can see that our challenges, right, our challenges are there.
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: We can use them as opportunities to lean on our people, to find community, to get even stronger.
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: As much as we would never choose our trials and our tribulations, we are here for this.
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: Together, we can do hard things, and so what I will say is life is a balance of the ever-changing and the changeless.
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: I'll leave you with a question how can we accept and embrace this and live out the serenity prayer which, as you know, I love?
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: There are actually certain things that we cannot change, and thank goodness we cannot change them, because we can draw on them in these times of struggle and challenge and we can do our things together.
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: Okay, I will leave you with that.
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: I love you until the next time.
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: Bye.