Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 228: How to Find a Relationship Match

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228: How to Find a Relationship Match · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:21
  Well, hello and welcome back.
• 0:23
  Last week we talked about relationship circles and how to figure out where it is that people belong in our lives.
• 0:28
  I also let you know about a freebie that I've made available to help you to assess your relationships, to help you to figure out what people's actual capacity is and respect it versus what it is that we just kind of wish that their current capacity was, right?
• 0:41
  So if you haven't snagged that, I'll post the link again in the show notes today so you can go and grab your copy.
• 0:46
  Now, when you were a child, did you ever play the card game Go Fish?
• 0:50
  It's a game where everybody has a handful of cards, and they're all looking for a certain match.
• 0:54
  So when it is your turn, you might say something like,"Hey, do you have any eights?" And if they do, it's a match, and then you're that much closer to winning the game.
• 1:02
  But if they don't have any eights, then they might say,"Nope, go fish," and then you're gonna reach into the center and draw a card from the draw pile.
• 1:10
  And sure, it's always a little bit disappointing when you don't get a match, and also it's hard to stay upset with somebody for not having any eights if they just legitimately don't have any eights.
• 1:19
  So what you do is you just make a note of it in your mind, and you remember that, okay, they don't have any eights, so next time I could either ask for a different number or I could ask another player if they have any eights.
• 1:31
  And then you just keep playing until you find your match.
• 1:34
  And we can do the same thing in our relationships because the truth is that there are so many times in life when it would be so beneficial to just look at, okay, what is it that I wanna get out of life?
• 1:44
  What would my want match be?
• 1:46
  And then go and find the person that has that same want match, okay?
• 1:50
  Then you can totally win at life.
• 1:52
  So for example, if you are looking for a partner who is ready to commit, but the person that you're currently seeing, they just wanna keep things casual, it might not be a want match.
• 2:01
  And you don't have to get super mad about it and make it mean anything about your worth.
• 2:05
  It's just not a match.
• 2:07
  If you're looking for somebody that can help to share the load when it comes to carpooling to school and to all of the soccer games, and your neighbor is willing and able and has a child in the same grade and on the same soccer team and they wanna do that too, yes, it's a match.
• 2:19
  That's awesome.
• 2:21
  Now, I was recently rewatching the movie He's Just Not That Into You.
• 2:25
  And in one of the earlier scenes in that movie, then a woman is sitting at the bar and she's just hoping that the man that she's been wanting to date is gonna walk in that door and that she'll get another chance with him.
• 2:34
  They went out on one date previously, and she was hoping he was going to call her, but he hadn't, and it had been a while now.
• 2:42
  So she went to this bar just hoping to have a chance encounter with him.
• 2:45
  But he wasn't there.
• 2:47
  So she's chatting with the bartender, and he's kind of learning a little bit more about her story.
• 2:51
  Then he kindly but clearly let her know that,"Hey, the guy that you're waiting for, he's never gonna call you." And it wasn't because she wasn't pretty or smart or a catch.
• 3:02
  He just wasn't that into her.
• 3:04
  Because if he was into her, he would have called.
• 3:07
  And at first, she really tried to argue with this idea, and she told him something like,"Well, but I have a friend, and she said that her husband, after their first date, it took him months before he called, but now they're married." And he was so sweet with her, but again, he told her kindly but clearly that,"You know what?
• 3:21
  That couple, they're the exception, not the rule.
• 3:25
  The rule is, if he wants to call you, he'll call you.
• 3:28
  And since he hasn't called you, he's just not that into you." In other words, this is not a want match.
• 3:34
  And it doesn't mean that anything's wrong with her or that anything's wrong with him.
• 3:38
  And it also doesn't mean that if she sticks around long enough, then he's going to change.
• 3:43
  And it doesn't mean that if she's persistent enough, then she can persuade him to change and persuade him to like her.
• 3:49
  It just means that they want different things, and so they aren't a want match.
• 3:53
  And that's what we're gonna be talking about today is these want matches.
• 3:56
  So to put it simply, a want match is something that both parties want, so it's a match.
• 4:01
  And yes, it's a very simple idea, but let me tell you why this is such an important conversation to be having.
• 4:07
  When you're able to identify what it is that you're looking for and get really clear on what it is that you're looking for, and then you're able to look around and see, oh, who actually has that same desire?
• 4:16
  It makes it infinitely more likely that your wants are going to be met.
• 4:19
  And it helps to minimize the mind drama, the negotiations, and the resentments that can show up in a relationship when you're resisting that it's not a match, right?
• 4:28
  And I get it that this is a super easy trap to fall into because I have also fallen into the trap of thinking, oh, but if they loved me, then they'd want the same thing as me.
• 4:37
  We would magically like all of the same things.
• 4:39
  But bottom line is that everybody, they just kind of want what they want.
• 4:43
  And sometimes it's a match, and sometimes it isn't.
• 4:46
  And it doesn't mean that anything is wrong with you or with them.
• 4:49
  It's just a difference of opinion.
• 4:51
  So let's kind of break it down a little bit, okay?
• 4:54
  Get very clear on what it is that you are looking for.
• 4:57
  Put it into words and say it out loud.
• 5:00
  So maybe you want to say,"You know what?
• 5:01
  I want a committed relationship.""I want a friend with a somewhat flexible schedule so we can occasionally meet up for lunch." I want to find somebody who likes the same kind of music as me so we can go to concerts together.""I'm looking for somebody I can have deep and meaningful conversations with.""I'm looking for somebody I can go to the gym with.""I'm looking for somebody who enjoys reading similar books." I'm looking for somebody who's comfortable with sitting in silence because sometimes I want to talk and sometimes I don't, and I want somebody that's okay with that." Get really clear on what it is that you want and then get curious about who is already in your circle that might have that same want.
• 5:38
  Not who it is that you wish had that same want.
• 5:40
  Not who it is that you want to try to pester or coerce into wanting that same thing, but somebody who genuinely wants the same thing.
• 5:48
  Now, oftentimes, when people start to make their list of wants, then they think that the purpose is to find that one person that magically matches everything on their list.
• 5:57
  And I can't blame them for looking for that person because it would definitely simplify things if you only had to go to one person and magically get all of your wants met.
• 6:06
  And maybe that person exists.
• 6:08
  But more than likely, even in the best of relationships, there's going to be things that you want that are just different from each other.
• 6:15
  For example, I have a girlfriend I've known for years, and we just really get along.
• 6:19
  We have so many things in common.
• 6:21
  We love talking with each other.
• 6:22
  We're both in the middle of our perimenopausal journey.
• 6:25
  We both like exploring ideas and deep diving into human psychology.
• 6:29
  We both enjoy home renovations, gardening, and dogs.
• 6:32
  And she loves to motorcycle.
• 6:34
  And me, it's not my thing.
• 6:36
  In fact, I don't even have a motorcycle license.
• 6:38
  But for her, she loves it.
• 6:40
  She has this gorgeous motorcycle.
• 6:42
  She's airbrushed beautiful artwork on it.
• 6:44
  She just loves it.
• 6:46
  And she has dreams of one day participating in the Iron Butt Challenge.
• 6:50
  And I had never heard of the Iron Butt Challenge until I met her.
• 6:54
  So for those of you that also don't know what it is, it's when somebody rides a motorcycle for one thousand miles within a twenty-four-hour time period.
• 7:01
  And for her, that sounds like so much fun, and it sounds so exciting.
• 7:05
  But for me, it's not something that I've actually entertained the idea of doing, right?
• 7:08
  And that's okay, because guess what?
• 7:11
  She doesn't expect me to fulfill all of her wants.
• 7:14
  She's a hundred percent okay going on these rides with other friends and family members.
• 7:18
  In fact, it has never once been a point of contention between us because there's so many other things that we do want that are the same.
• 7:25
  We don't have to argue over if MaryAnn's gonna participate in the Iron Butt Challenge or not, right?
• 7:30
  So she can get her want for long-distance riding met by friends and family, and I can continue to meet her want of having meaningful conversation and perimenopausal sympathy.
• 7:40
  Now, if she was pressuring me to want to ride a thousand miles on a motorcycle in a day, then it might negatively impact our relationship.
• 7:47
  I might start to feel uncomfortable every time that we talked.
• 7:50
  I might start to wonder if she was gonna try to pressure me every single time that we visited, or if she might be constantly disappointed in me when I had to continue to tell her no.
• 7:58
  It could really negatively impact our relationship if she was wanting me to want something different than what I actually want, right?
• 8:05
  And let me be clear that there wouldn't be anything wrong with her wanting me to share in that adventure.
• 8:10
  But if she didn't accept that that wasn't a thing that I wanted to invest my time and energy into, then that's when it would start to create conflict.
• 8:17
  But do you know what is something that I do want?
• 8:19
  I do want to support my friend and her goals.
• 8:21
  I want to ask her about her progress and her training.
• 8:24
  I want to celebrate with her as she reaches her goal.
• 8:27
  And so me supporting her in that way, that is an absolute match.
• 8:30
  That's absolutely something I can do.
• 8:32
  And I get it that riding a motorcycle one thousand miles in a day, that might be a silly example as we're talking about want matches.
• 8:38
  But think for a moment about the relationships that you're currently in.
• 8:42
  Are you in a relationship where you feel constantly disappointed?
• 8:45
  Where your wants are consistently ignored?
• 8:48
  Where you feel like what the other person wants is more important than what you want?
• 8:53
  Then maybe you don't have a want match.
• 8:55
  I mean, of course, the other person, they're probably gonna want what they want more than what you want, right?
• 9:00
  Just like how you want what you want more than you want what they want.
• 9:04
  But that doesn't mean that their wants are more important, and it doesn't mean that your wants are less important.
• 9:09
  It just means that your wants are different.
• 9:11
  So rather than sitting in a relationship being bitter and resentful and waiting for your turn, then just be a little bit more proactive.
• 9:18
  For example, maybe your partner isn't super into musicals, and so you go out with your girlfriends to the musical instead.
• 9:25
  So then you're no longer arguing with your partner, thinking,"But you should want to go to musicals with me." Instead, you're just finding somebody else who actually wants to be there to go with.
• 9:34
  Or maybe your bestie is a perfect match in every single way, but they just don't understand your love of pickleball.
• 9:40
  Rather than trying to explain to them all of the virtues of pickleball and why it's so amazing and why they should love it, then maybe instead you just look around for somebody who already enjoys pickleball and is looking for somebody to play with.
• 9:53
  I know that for me and my marriage, my husband loves UFC night, and it's not my thing.
• 9:57
  So I love it when he goes out with the boys that night and goes and watches the fight, and I can go and do something different.
• 10:03
  It's actually very beneficial for a relationship when we're able to source out our wants that the other one isn't really interested in fulfilling.
• 10:10
  And again, it doesn't mean that I don't love him or that he doesn't love me.
• 10:14
  It's just that we want different things on our Saturday night, and that's okay.
• 10:18
  So for this week, remember that when you're able to better identify your wants and respect other people's wants, not only does it make it more likely that you're going to get your wants met, but it also helps to significantly minimize resentment and conflict in a relationship because you're no longer taking it personally when somebody tells you that,"Hey, I just don't have any eights." If you're looking for more resources to help you in your relationships, I've totally got you.
• 10:42
  Check out the show notes for freebies and other offerings.
• 10:44
  But here's to getting our wants met this week.
• 10:47
  All right, I hope you have a great one, and let's talk soon.
• 10:49
  Bye now.