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What Are You Carrying? Setting Down Loads You Never Chose · Butterfly Days w Tami Jorden

• 0:00
  Tami Jorden (00:02) Welcome to my realm. This is Tammy Jordan, and you're listening to Butterfly Days. Thanks for joining me for a quickie. This little episode will give you something to think about for the next week until we have our next wonderful interview. So today I'm asking you to ask yourself, what am I carrying? Just because it was handed to me. What baggage could I ditch at this age?
• 0:01
  Tami Jorden (00:31) Do I have room for what matters to me? These might be the most useful questions that you ask yourself all year. Here's what's often missed. You're always choosing. Even when you don't choose on purpose, you're choosing. Avoidance and denial are choices. And the things you carry without deciding to at 50, 60, 70, they can drive the bus on the final route straight to a destination.
• 0:02
  Tami Jorden (01:01) You never wanted to go. So let's start simple. Notice what's in your arms right now. What are you carrying? Maybe it's family. You host every holiday. You smooth every conflict. You manage mom's appointments alone while everyone else checks in. And no one asks how you are or what they could take off your plate. Maybe your job is peacemaker at your own expense. Maybe it's work.
• 0:03
  Tami Jorden (01:29) You train the people who get promoted past you. You stay late to cover for someone who won't. You're the office mom and nobody says thank you. You know what? Maybe it's friendship. The one where you always call first, always listen, but somehow don't get heard. You like every post to show up for them, but they never seem to notice yours. Not that you're counting, but it tells you something. A few of these you may have picked on purpose.
• 0:04
  Tami Jorden (01:59) But most you didn't. Someone handed them to you and you've carried them for so long you forgot you're allowed to set them down. Hear me clearly, because this part matters. I'm not telling you to put a thing down because it's heavy. Some burdens are real and they're yours and they're holy. A new baby who needs you around the clock, a parent slipping into their final years.
• 0:05
  Tami Jorden (02:26) A child who will always need more support than most? A husband in the fight of his life. That weight is not a trap. That's love asking something true of you. And I hope you're able to carry it with both arms. This was never about ducking the hard seasons. Life isn't fair and it isn't kind. And some of what we shoulder, we shoulder simply because it's sacred. I've sat with the dying.
• 0:06
  Tami Jorden (02:54) I know the difference between a burden that breaks you open and one that wears you down for no good reason. The carrying that I'm talking about, what are you carrying, is the other kind. The weight handed to you out of habit or role, or because you are the one who never says no. The load someone else could share but won't, because you've already covered it. The job that was never actually yours, it just got set in your arms and
• 0:07
  Tami Jorden (03:24) Nobody checked whether you agreed. So before you set anything down, ask it straight. Is this mine to carry? Or mine only because no one ever lets me put it down? Or because I feel guilty to put it down. You can honor one answer, and the other one, you're free to release. Here's the funny thing about midlife. As we age, the external spotlight dims.
• 0:08
  Tami Jorden (03:51) The world stops looking at us quite so hard, and we're told that's a loss. But I'm saying maybe it isn't. Think about this. As the outer light fades, it's really odd, but I find that an inner one comes up stronger. And in that light, we may finally see our own lives clearly. What's working, what isn't, what's actually best for us. And this is where wisdom gets built.
• 0:09
  Tami Jorden (04:20) This may be the only gift of waning hormones that I can think of because the mustache was not. But a lot of people flinch from that light. It feels too much. They're afraid of what they see. So they lean back into old safe patterns, ones that they know cold. And I get it. But it's exactly when you feel something no longer honors, protects, serves, or lifts you. That's the moment.
• 0:10
  Tami Jorden (04:50) You get to choose better. And those better choices, stacked over time, buy something real, quiet fulfillment, more joy, a sturdier floor to build your last chapter on. Women who do this work report that they're happier, more satisfied, and let's be honest, frankly, they're more interesting to be around. Letting go can feel strange at first, sometimes flat out, terrifying.
• 0:11
  Tami Jorden (05:19) Even at our age, and that's the best kind of okay. We're old enough to know you don't get the omelet without cracking a few eggs. And it's okay to let the new normal feel weird until it doesn't. Maybe you've always been the one who fixes what everyone else broke. The one who's never allowed to be anything but cheerful. The one kept close to someone who never apologized and they never will.
• 0:12
  Tami Jorden (05:47) The one who plans for every need, even before it arrives. It's time to get creative about changing that dynamic. Name the gaslighting if it's there. Get clear on the difference between what you actually need to do or want to do and what's simply been asked of you. Usually you're providing a service for someone who'd rather you just keep providing it. And there are respectful ways to say this. This is shifting.
• 0:13
  Tami Jorden (06:17) Here's why. And here's what comes next. When you give language to that in your voice, you have great power. But it takes guts. And watch the praise because some of this gets handed to you wrapped as a compliment. You're the nice one. You're the bigger person. You're so good with her. And every one of those labels comes with a job attached.
• 0:14
  Tami Jorden (06:44) You're always the one who reaches out first after a falling out, even when you weren't the one who caused it. You're the mature one. So you eat the apology that was owed to you. You get seated next to the difficult relative at every gathering because you handle her so well. And your skill becomes your sentence. You're asked to understand his stress, her hard week. So the behavior itself never has to change. Your empathy.
• 0:15
  Tami Jorden (07:13) Becomes the excuse. You give up the better seat, the bigger share, the easier shift, because you're so easygoing. Funny how that's something decided about you and never actually asked. And the second you set a boundary, suddenly you're not yourself. You're a total bitch. You're being difficult. The room needs you nice. So your no gets you called a problem. Here's the tell. The praise shows up.
• 0:16
  Tami Jorden (07:42) Right when something's about to be asked of you. You're so good with her, lands two seconds before you're handed her. Real appreciation doesn't come with a task staple to the back of it. Make a note of that. And I know guilt gets tricky here, especially if this is the hill you've always died on. So expect it. Guilt is normal right up until healthy boundaries become your new normal. That's the truth. Worry about
• 0:17
  Tami Jorden (08:11) What happens next can rise up in you too. The real question though is just this. Are you the one who has to architect this change? Or can other people finally pick up a corner? When something's hard to say, my suggestion is that you run it through three gates. And I actually do this myself. Number one, does something need to be said? That one question is a game changer. Because maybe nothing needs to be said.
• 0:18
  Tami Jorden (08:41) Number two, does it need to be said by me? do you really need to say something or do someone else? Does it need to be said now? I know it feels pressure and it's upsetting maybe, but does it need to be said now? So let's run through the three gates. Does something need to be said? Does it need to be said by me? And does it need to be said now?
• 0:19
  Tami Jorden (09:11) If you can build a little space and let your confidence grow before you act, even better. It doesn't, it's not always possible to do that, but a calm, creative mind makes a cleaner choice. And if you're about to stop managing, producing, and cleaning up on aisle five, there's usually something.
• 0:20
  Tami Jorden (09:33) Manny, I need you to fix this. I'm gonna go back and say it again.
• 0:21
  Tami Jorden (09:41) If you can build a little space and let your confidence grow before you act, even better. It won't always be possible, right? But a calm, creative mind makes a cleaner choice. And if you're about to stop managing, producing, or cleaning up the mess on aisle five, there usually needs to be a next option. So just be clear whether you have to build that replacement or it's time that others start owning it. There's a difference.
• 0:22
  Tami Jorden (10:10) I will help you find the right words. This work often starts with family, and family is always tricky. My suggestions don't open with reproach. Don't do it. Don't slide into self-pity or running anyone down. Own your part. Do not be passive aggressive. Stay in your lane. Stay clear on what's actually yours to do or say, and that alone will ground you.
• 0:23
  Tami Jorden (10:40) Listen, change is destabilizing by nature. People may have to adapt in ways that they don't love. Resolution takes time, but time, you got it, kid. I mean, let the changes unfold. Keep pivoting and tweaking until the new chapter is one that you can actually live in. So here's the reframe. It's because the world isn't fixed on you anymore that you
• 0:24
  Tami Jorden (11:07) Finally have the room to notice what would upgrade your life, what you want now, that you still have a voice and you're allowed to use it. So keep that voice strong, true, and pointed forward. Skip the blame and the shame. They're toxic and they keep you stuck in the current. Feel your frustration, sure, but then carry yourself with dignity and move. Your happier life is ahead of you, not behind you.
• 0:25
  Tami Jorden (11:37) You did what you did for reasons that you now own, but what you do next with healthy boundaries gets to be different. Lighter, freer, yours. None of us knows how long this last chapter runs, and that's exactly why it's worth setting down what was never yours to carry. So your hands are free for what is. And here's my benediction for you.
• 0:26
  Tami Jorden (12:05) May you squeeze every ounce of the juice of midlife by making changes that empower you to live on your own terms. May you have the courage to face any truth and let it guide you to better choices. May you be known as a woman who courageously speaks the truth in love. And may you carry only what you choose while respecting others can do the same. And never forget, I'm rooting for you. Get it, girl.
• 0:27
  Tami Jorden (12:35) I would love to hear what you think and how this is showing up in your life. Please feel free to reach out to me and share this episode with someone that you think might need it. Until next week, take care.