Latest / The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast / 298. Why You Need To "Pursue" Your Spouse Both Sexually And Emotionally. And What Does That Look Like?

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298. Why You Need To "Pursue" Your Spouse Both Sexually And Emotionally. And What Does That Look Like? · The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: We believe that, no matter how many years you have been married, you can find passion, happiness and romance at any stage of your life.
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: Join us as we have discussions in all areas of intimacy, interview marriage professionals and people who are just flat-out fun.
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: Our podcast is for all couples looking to transform their relationship.
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: Pursuing your spouse emotionally and pursuing your spouse sexually.
• 0:44
  Speaker 2: What does that look like and why is it important?
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: It's the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast with Nick and Amy.
• 0:50
  Speaker 2: Amy just looked at me and said throw all your notes out the window.
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: I've got this.
• 0:55
  Speaker 2: I know exactly what I'm going to say.
• 0:57
  Speaker 2: Let's just wing this.
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: So I have no idea what she's going to say, but I guess we're just winging this.
• 1:04
  Speaker 2: And she's kind of fired up today.
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: So I literally didn't say that well, you said something to that.
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: That's whatever she said.
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: Whatever she said, that's how I interpreted it in my mind nick is so good at um exaggerating things a little bit is that a compliment, or is that uh, sure, you're not sure.
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: Okay, I'm not sure, um?
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: I think nick's idea of pursuing is just like keeping the marriage strong.
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: Is that true?
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: Um I just want to hear nick's definition.
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: I'm putting him on the spot right now.
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: What is your definition of pursuing your spouse?
• 1:50
  Speaker 2: pursuing your spouse, like I guess I look at it like when, and we had this discussion last night.
• 1:56
  Speaker 2: Uh, I was kind of yeah, we had this discussion.
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: We'll just say that um, you could say whatever you want to say.
• 2:03
  Speaker 2: I was feeling like a little bit like I want to be desired a little bit more, like I feel like I'm the one that's always initiating, and I know a lot of other husbands and wives feel that way.
• 2:20
  Speaker 2: So, anyways, we were having this discussion last night and I think pursuing is like making your spouse feel desired, like even emotionally or physically, like just being pursued is just your spouse knowing that you're, you love them, that you're there for them, that you're, they're on your mind, and things like that.
• 2:41
  Speaker 2: I don't know, I don't know if that's a good definition, but I think you know, and I brought this up.
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: I don't know, I don't know if that's a good definition, but I think you know, and I brought this up to Amy last time, like you know, when we were dating, like you were always just like all over me, hugging me, you know, kissing me, all that, and I think most men would agree that that's what it was like.
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: And the husband and the wives.
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: The wives would say, well, you were bringing me flowers and you were planning these romantic and fun, exciting dates and you were showing up with a rose and you were complimenting all the time and being super romantic and they're like, oh, oh, yeah, it goes both ways oh, so we had this.
• 3:22
  Speaker 2: We had the same discussion last night, which is good because we're having these discussions.
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: So we still, we absolutely still need these discussions.
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: Try working together all day long, every day, like every day just starts to play every day.
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: That's what it's.
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful.
• 3:40
  Speaker 2: She hesitates.
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: If you could see her facial expressions okay so what does it mean to you?
• 3:46
  Speaker 2: Let me ask you that question does it mean something different?
• 3:52
  Speaker 2: Does it mean the same thing?
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: pursuing.
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: When I think of pursuit, I think of going after, right, like you're, you're going after that, that thing, or that you're pursuing your hobbies, you're going after your career.
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: You're really trying to like I don't want to say reach that goal, you're pursuing something.
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: So like I feel like it's dating.
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: Like when you're dating, you're pursuing that person.
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: You're like trying to like win them, yeah Right.
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: And in marriage, I look at it as pursuing your spouse or still trying to not necessarily win them yeah right.
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: And in marriage, I look at it as pursuing your spouse or are still trying to not necessarily win them because you have them, but but keep it, keep it exciting.
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: Like I really think pursue and date.
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: Pursuing your spouse is is dating your spouse, like it's doing those things that you did at the beginning, and so I think both of us are guilty with that so let's, let's look at it this way.
• 4:44
  Speaker 2: You just brought up a good point.
• 4:45
  Speaker 2: When you're pursuing something in life let's say you're pursuing a certain investment, or you want to build a business, or you're pursuing a job promotion, or you're pursuing something right Like, what does that pursuing cause you to do?
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: Try harder, try harder, try harder.
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: Yeah Right.
• 5:04
  Speaker 2: Because you want to have something better.
• 5:06
  Speaker 2: Right, you want to accomplish something and have something better.
• 5:08
  Speaker 2: What happens in life when you stop pursuing something?
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: it dies down.
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: You either lose it or you it gets stale or you lose it all to I.
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: I really think that life is one big pursuit right.
• 5:25
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so, or even you might lose ambition.
• 5:28
  Speaker 2: Right, Ambition, yeah, you might lose ambition.
• 5:30
  Speaker 2: So how and I'm just posing this question to think, like, we pursue a lot of things in life.
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: We pursue hobbies, we pursue jobs, careers, we pursue things that we like.
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: We pursue a lot of things in life because that's what keeps us going, that's what keeps us driven, that's what keeps us ambitious.
• 5:50
  Speaker 2: So how is pursuing our spouse any different?
• 5:54
  Speaker 2: Like, if we, if we give up in pursuing things in life, what does that look like?
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: And what does it look like if we get up in pursuing our spouse?
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: I mean, the same things are going to happen.
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: The same negative consequences are going to happen from not pursuing our spouses, not pursuing things in life.
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah.
• 6:17
  Speaker 2: At least I would think that right.
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: Agreed agreed.
• 6:20
  Speaker 2: It's like when you stop.
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: I think that's why marriage gets mediocre, right, like we, just it's complacency Compl.
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: I think that's why marriage gets mediocre, right, like we, just we.
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: It's complacency.
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: Complacency is kind of the opposite well, not the opposite of pursuing, but it's just kind of that.
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: Still right, like complacent.
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: I'm just like okay with where we're at and I'm not really willing to pursue anything better.
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: And that's like we always say, like marriage is either getting better or sometimes it's.
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: I don't, I don't know that it's really I don't think you can?
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: I don't know how did you feel?
• 6:48
  Speaker 2: do you feel?
• 6:48
  Speaker 2: Like you're gonna be like stagnant in your marriage I think you're always going to be moving in a positive or negative direction.
• 6:54
  Speaker 2: You might think that, oh yeah, we're stagnant right now, and that might be like that for a very short period of time, but you're you're either.
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: You're either going to be trending in a better direction or a worse direction, right Okay that's how I feel.
• 7:07
  Speaker 2: I don't think you can just be kind of staying steady.
• 7:09
  Speaker 2: I mean, you look at your marriage in general.
• 7:12
  Speaker 2: I can promise you that it's like a roller coaster.
• 7:14
  Speaker 2: You know it's going to have its ups and downs, like you're never just on cruise control and just constantly saying yeah, it's okay and it stayed like this the whole time.
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: I mean, I think you have moments like that, like I absolutely like look at our past six months and I'm like, yeah, we're just kind of like writing things like it's.
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: I mean, it's not always like amazing and it's not bad.
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: Do you know what I mean?
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: I think you, I think you do go through times, especially when you're raising kids, where you look back and you're like where the heck did that year go?
• 7:40
  Speaker 2: but I think there was nothing super amazing about it right.
• 7:43
  Speaker 2: But I think the second, a couple, stops pursuing each other.
• 7:47
  Speaker 2: You really are in trouble and I think that happens to all of us.
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: I mean, I think it does.
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: I think the big question is men pursue we, we both.
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: We both pursue each other differently that's the.
• 8:06
  Speaker 2: That's what I was trying to get like how because men again, we've talked about this so much like men, most men feel loved and desired through sexual intimacy.
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: Women do not feel loved and desired through sexual intimacy.
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: Some do, many do, some do, but I would say the majority, at least from what we our audience is probably 30 30 higher drive women, which means they feel loved.
• 8:33
  Speaker 2: They want to feel loved through sexual intimacy, but you but you often bring this up and I think this is really true as well too is you desire what you're not getting.
• 8:41
  Speaker 2: All right, like amy always says, I don't have this love language, probably because you're already meeting it, but if you didn't meet it, like if you never initiated, I probably would become a physical touch or you know what have you, and I don't know whether that's right or wrong.
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: I'm just saying, like sometimes we, you know, don't, maybe our needs are.
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: you know, don't, maybe our needs are are different because they are being fulfilled or not being fulfilled.
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: Okay, okay, I get that.
• 9:10
  Speaker 2: Well, don't you say that though.
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I do.
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: I think my big question for this entire podcast is men, most men sorry, let me rephrase that so I don't get in trouble.
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: Most husbands feel desired and loved and pursued, pursued through sexual intimacy.
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: What do you think most women feel pursued through?
• 9:38
  Speaker 2: I would say, you know, there there's so many different things, but like just a husband being there emotionally and talking and the trust.
• 9:47
  Speaker 2: See, I don't look at that as pursuit.
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: I think of that as bare minimum emotional connection that both people need.
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: Okay, and maybe that's where I'm wrong and maybe my bar is set too high.
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: Okay, I really just feel like that's bare minimum, because you need as much conversation and emotional connection as I do, so that's not really a me thing.
• 10:02
  Speaker 2: Well, this is just connection, as I do, so that's not really a me thing.
• 10:06
  Speaker 2: Well, this is a conversation.
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: No, yeah, and I and this is a tough question and I'm not.
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: How does does talking and listening to me really like do you really put that on pursuing my spouse, like does that go in the same?
• 10:16
  Speaker 2: item line.
• 10:16
  Speaker 2: Maybe maybe I'm going to rephrase my answer Um a lot, maybe it's different every day, right, maybe it's different every day.
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: I think, like for men, I don't think we're that complicated.
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: I think in men for general, like you know, and we've talked about this before like men in general, like if they're being, if they have frequent sexual intimacy with their wife, like they're content, they're happy, right, okay.
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: But I think women I don't think that's all men need though.
• 10:49
  Speaker 2: Well, of course you can get down into the smaller things of what men need and there are a lot of other things men need but if a if a woman, if a wife is desiring her husband sexually, then he's going to feel loved, he's going to feel like she respects him, she's going to feel he's going to feel the trust there.
• 11:09
  Speaker 2: He's going to feel everything that I think you know kind of trickles down right, like that.
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: That is the most meaningful and biggest thing for a man for most men, sorry which kind of just encompasses everything that he's feeling His happiness, his confidence in himself, his stress.
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: Everything is tied to that.
• 11:32
  Speaker 2: And I go back to the polls that we've done and I don't remember exactly offhand, it was in the 90%, I don't remember if this one was 93% or 97%, but the poll basically stated their, their overall well-being is tied to sex, like if, if they're having, you know, frequent, good, frequent sex with each other, their overall well-being, I mean they're happy, right, like they're happy, like maybe their happiness is based upon their sexual intimacy, right but their entire sexual intimacy is their.
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: You're saying happiness is based on sexual intimacy for a lot of men, but the sexual intimacy is only happy when the wife is into it, desiring it, enjoying it, because it's emotional absolutely yeah like I think it's not just like, oh, I'm getting sex, I'm happy, like it's very emotional and it has to be mutual and loving and connecting for a man to truly enjoy it like he wants to know his wife wants every, every good guy out there wants his wife to be happy being intimate.
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: He wants his wife Right.
• 12:43
  Speaker 2: Every good guy out there wants that Right and he doesn't want to just have sex to have sex.
• 12:48
  Speaker 2: He doesn't want that.
• 12:48
  Speaker 2: He wants more than anything for his wife to be enjoying it and be desired.
• 12:53
  Speaker 2: I mean that's.
• 12:54
  Speaker 2: Okay, so we've been talking a lot about what that husband needs to be feeling pursued.
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: So you're saying a man needs to be what?
• 13:08
  Speaker 2: Just for man needs to be what?
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: Just for her to be willing, for her to know for what.
• 13:10
  Speaker 2: What does a man need exactly?
• 13:10
  Speaker 2: Willing isn't the word, because going back to like, no man just wants his wife to just say okay, I'll do it like a man wants to be pursued means what to you?
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: To have your wife recognize, initiate, say you know you're, you look great today, I or I really appreciate all that you're doing.
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: Like just pursued is like to that's, that's appreciation and words of affirmation.
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: So that's separate, or is that?
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: no, I'm talking about initiating sex well, I'm, I'm, I think, being desired sexually and also being desired verbally.
• 13:47
  Speaker 2: I mean, I think they kind of go hand in hand right, just knowing that your wife actually appreciates you, desires you, wants you, I mean, I think I to me, I feel like it's kind of all encompassed, right.
• 13:59
  Speaker 2: But yeah, getting down to it, I mean pretty much when a wife desires her husband sexually, it encompasses everything.
• 14:07
  Speaker 2: Like you don't need to tell me all the time that, oh, I think this, this and this, like if you make love to me, I immediately feel fulfilled in every area, because I'm like, oh, my wife loves me, she appreciates me, she respects me, I don't know.
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: Thought it makes sense, but just that simple oh, so simple yeah, that's so simple so what?
• 14:33
  Speaker 2: okay, so let's talk about.
• 14:34
  Speaker 2: I know all the guys are out there thinking, all right, yeah we already know that we already know.
• 14:39
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm, I'm just repeating something new.
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: So, from a teaching us anything new.
• 14:42
  Speaker 2: So, from a woman's standpoint, what does it look like for a woman to be pursued?
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: I'm going to get hammered right now.
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: I'm ready for it.
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: You guys bring on the emails.
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: I'm ready for it.
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: I think that you listening to her and talking to her is bare minimum.
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: I don't think that's pursuing your wife.
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: I think that's just being a good person.
• 15:01
  Speaker 2: Oh, I know.
• 15:02
  Speaker 2: No, I know I think.
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: No, I'm just telling you active listening, bare minimum.
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: If you can't listen to your wife, like that's not even pursuing her.
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: That's just literally being a good husband, um, spending quality time and supporting your spouse Men want that too.
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: Sorry, no different.
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: That's just bare minimum, right?
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: Like I think I'm sitting the bar too high for marriage, but I think it needs to be raised.
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: Like I am so tired of like hearing so many husbands think that it's like way too hard to have to listen to my wife and support my wife and give her that emotional connection she needs.
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: I'm like that's our minimum.
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: That's not pursuing your wife, that's just doing the basics when you sign up for marriage, but okay, and I agree.
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: Pursuing is a whole entire step above that.
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: I'm going to speak out for the women right here because I'm like you can't say oh, you were all over me when we were dating and the emotional that you were kissing me and blah, blah, blah.
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: And when we first got married, the sexual intimacy was so strong.
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: I'd love to ask the men, how many men are still romantic?
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: How many times?
• 16:02
  Speaker 2: do you bring?
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: her flowers?
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: How many times do you cook her dinner how and make it romantic?
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: How many times do you plan amazing dates like you used to when you were dating?
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: That's called pursuing emotional connection.
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: Bottom line pursuing is much higher level I know and and what I was.
• 16:18
  Speaker 2: The point I was trying to make out when we kind of first started is when I was getting into the emotional connection like that income that can encompass so many things like on a day with people yeah, and on a daily.
• 16:30
  Speaker 2: on a daily thing, like it could be different from day to day, because your needs on a certain day might be completely different the next day.
• 16:38
  Speaker 2: And I think, as husbands, that's what we have to figure out is, like, you know, how can I support her this day with what she needs and then this day with what she needs, and that that can change, and I think why do you think that's so true?
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: Why do you make it sound?
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: I'm just asking the question why?
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: Why do you mean?
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: What do you mean?
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: Change every day?
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: You make it sound super complicated.
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: I'll admit that we're a little trickier than men.
• 17:05
  Speaker 2: But, yeah, admit that we're a little trickier than men, but yeah, well, I think we did a podcast a while ago and we it was titled something like don't know what your wife needs, don't worry, neither does she and we talked about how, like, how you know, how often have you gone to your wife and you're like, what do you need for me?
• 17:16
  Speaker 2: And she's like I don't know, I don't know what I need, like, and we've talked about that before, right, like sometimes women don't know what they need.
• 17:24
  Speaker 2: You know, and we've talked about this too, and I don't mean to get off subject, but, like, oftentimes men kind of just are more factual and women are more emotional, right, and so a lot of times, as men, we just look at like, okay, here's the facts, here's you know what needs to be done, or here's how we handle things.
• 17:47
  Speaker 2: It's just really simple, cut and dry, and for a lot of times, for women, it's it's how they feel, and a lot of times women are feeling different every day.
• 17:56
  Speaker 2: Like I, sometimes you're feeling stressed or whatever one day, and um, other days you're feeling a different way, and so a lot of times for for men, like, we don't know, you know, we don't know how you're feeling.
• 18:11
  Speaker 1: We don't know what you need that day um and a lot of times you don't think men are like that, like for the most part, you don't, I don't, they're just always the same no, I'm not saying they're all always the same because, like, obviously we have different things come up in the days we're stressed, we have different, always different things happening.
• 18:29
  Speaker 2: But I'm saying, like I would say most men and and you email me if I'm wrong, but I would say most men out there, regardless of what day they're having, if their wife pursued them like Like told them they I want to have sex with you, like that, right yeah?
• 18:47
  Speaker 2: or the or something that they feel desired.
• 18:50
  Speaker 2: That way, right like, hey, you know, I appreciate all you do.
• 18:53
  Speaker 2: Um, let's, let's have a wonderful night together, or I mean, like most men would be the happiest guy in the world.
• 19:02
  Speaker 2: Right, like it's pretty simple.
• 19:03
  Speaker 2: I mean again, we've talked about that before, many podcasts have talked about it where men are really simple and just need you know.
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: Appreciation, respect emotional connection enduring intimacy, foreplay, initiation.
• 19:20
  Speaker 2: All those things, in my opinion, are kind of covered under the sexual intimacy.
• 19:25
  Speaker 2: Like if you came to me, I got home and you came to me and said, oh, I really want to make love to you tonight.
• 19:31
  Speaker 2: Like to me, everything's covered.
• 19:34
  Speaker 2: Like I know she loves me, I know she appreciates me, she trusts me, she desires me, like everything's covered under that for a guy, everything's covered under that for for a guy.
• 19:48
  Speaker 2: So, anyways, you, you, uh, you men out there message me and tell me if, if I'm not speaking truth or if it's uh different for you guys.
• 19:52
  Speaker 2: But I would say most men out there like we're, we're pretty simple, right, okay, so back to the women.
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: So back to the women nick loves to talk about how important sex is to a man yeah, um, back to what we're talking about, back to, okay, let me get back.
• 20:11
  Speaker 2: But so what?
• 20:12
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 20:13
  Speaker 2: So, as I was saying before, the first, first one, we're starting out.
• 20:16
  Speaker 2: I understand there's a lot more than like talking and that's not what I was the point I was trying to make I just I'm looking at nick's list that I threw out the window before this podcast started.
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: I was like, uh, no, bare minute.
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: Yeah, no, no, that's not pursuing.
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: None of those things are pursuing.
• 20:31
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 20:31
  Speaker 2: So everyone wants to know from a woman's standpoint and the men want to know too what does it mean to be pursued?
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: I want to know what one.
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: Okay, this is going to look different.
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: There's no answer to this here.
• 20:43
  Speaker 1: Here you go.
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: Go.
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: Here's another podcast answer for you.
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: There's no answer.
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: There's no answer to this because your marriage looks different than our marriage.
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: My answer for you is going to depend on your marriage.
• 20:54
  Speaker 1: I want to know what did you do to pursue your wife on day one when you were falling in love?
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: What did you do?
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: Did you cook for her?
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: Did you plan some romantic fun diet night?
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: Did you take her dancing?
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: Did you do?
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: Did you cook for her?
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: Did you plan some romantic, fun diet night?
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: Did you take her dancing?
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: Did you take her on an awesome hike?
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: And then did you show up with flowers, what?
• 21:10
  Speaker 1: What did she do?
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: Did she come up behind you and kiss your neck and tell you how hot you were?
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: Pursuing almost to me.
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: I might be dead wrong on this, but pursuing means doing those things.
• 21:22
  Speaker 1: I mean, you're the one that brought this up.
• 21:24
  Speaker 1: You're like I want it to be more like when we were dating I missed that absolutely oh, you don't think the women feel the exact same way.
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: You put a lot more energy into dating than when you get married it that's.
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: That's why it's going to look different to everyone.
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: What did you do for her and what did she do for you when you were dating?
• 21:42
  Speaker 1: That shouldn't stop.
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and emotional connection you can say emotional intimacy, and some women are going to scream and be like you're setting the bar too high.
• 21:51
  Speaker 1: Absolutely all I want my husband to do is just talk to me and support me.
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: That's fine.
• 21:56
  Speaker 1: That's fine if that's where your bar is, but you deserve more than just that.
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: Every woman deserves more than that.
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: Every woman still in their marriage, no matter how long you've been married still deserves to be romanced.
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: If a guy wants to be romanced by totally oh baby, you're looking hot, I can't wait to make love to you tonight Is that what's romance to him?
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: You deserve to have some flowers show up at the door, Like that's what I'm trying to say.
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and I think we're Because, like that's what I'm trying to say, yeah, because your emotional connection, emotional connection and active listening and intentional acts of love and spending quality time, those literally are just basic needs in a marriage.
• 22:32
  Speaker 1: Those are basic needs, oh.
• 22:34
  Speaker 2: I totally agree for both people it's not what the wife needs.
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: He needs it just as much.
• 22:38
  Speaker 1: If he says he doesn't he does, he might need a different way.
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: Communication, that kind of stuff.
• 22:45
  Speaker 2: Basic needs no, and we're totally in agreement.
• 22:48
  Speaker 2: I mean, we talk about all the time.
• 22:49
  Speaker 2: The importance of dating and how you're in my relationship completely changed just by starting to do the things we did when we were dating, right, so, 100% agree.
• 22:58
  Speaker 2: If you look at the things that and most couples like, we get so many emails and the first question we ask is, well, are you still going on date nights?
• 23:06
  Speaker 2: They're like no, we aren't, why not?
• 23:09
  Speaker 2: If you look at what happens on a date night, just like when you fell in love, you're having great communication, absolutely, you're connecting emotionally on a deep level.
• 23:19
  Speaker 2: You're having fun.
• 23:20
  Speaker 2: Right, you're being romantic.
• 23:22
  Speaker 2: You obviously have a physical connection, like everything that sparks your relationship to fall in love in the first place happened on date when you're dating, and those things have to continue to happen.
• 23:36
  Speaker 2: So I agree 100 percent with you that that those things continue to have to happen, that those things continue to have to happen.
• 23:47
  Speaker 2: But but I think for the reason why we're having this conversation is, as you know, we get so many emails from husbands are like I do everything for my wife, like I bring her flowers, I cook, I, I clean the house, I go on date night, I try to fulfill her every need and she just doesn't pursue me in any way, and we hear that a lot right we do and this, okay, you know let's that's a good, good conversation to have, because we've been there in our marriage like nick's pretty amazing at doing a lot of awesome stuff and sometimes I just literally am not feeling it, like I'm not.
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: I have lost my libido, my drive, and so it takes a lot of work on my part.
• 24:23
  Speaker 1: And so this is the part where constant rejection is never okay for a husband.
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: That's just being freaking awesome, right.
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: It's also husbands also have to understand that like we're built totally different.
• 24:36
  Speaker 1: If her libido is low due to stress or working or just sometimes their fault, taking on too much and mental load, that can definitely be the woman's fault.
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: But even hormones, like we, go through a lot of crap in our bodies.
• 24:50
  Speaker 1: Having kids changes everything.
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: You have no idea, unless you're a woman, how that changes like your entire wiring.
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: Like we have to learn how to be.
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: Like, okay, I wish we had what we had when we were first married, but you've changed and your body's changed and things have happened in our relationship.
• 25:08
  Speaker 1: And how do we support each other?
• 25:10
  Speaker 1: How do we talk through this?
• 25:11
  Speaker 1: How do we not take sometimes or eject it ejection in a bad way?
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: How do we?
• 25:15
  Speaker 1: How do we get on the same page where you're doing a better job at pursuing me and I feel loved and I mean we've talked about that right like scheduling and sometimes.
• 25:25
  Speaker 1: Sometimes there's gonna be nights where it's like, okay, I'll do it, but I'm not really in the mood.
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: But I'm willing and sometimes that's okay.
• 25:32
  Speaker 1: Maybe it's a quickie, maybe it's a, and husbands can't get all bent out of shape over that too.
• 25:36
  Speaker 1: Right, like sometimes, like she's just not there but she's still okay to just be intimate with you, and that doesn't mean she doesn't you.
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: These are the kind of conversations that have to happen all the time in marriage, because me and Nick have them.
• 25:47
  Speaker 1: I'm like you know what.
• 25:47
  Speaker 1: I'm willing to get in the mood, but I'm not really in the mood.
• 25:50
  Speaker 1: I just want you to know that I'm fine to do it, but don't get all offended.
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: When it's not the most amazing night ever, it's okay.
• 25:57
  Speaker 1: Different kinds of sex, like quickies and long and amazing and passionate and do you know what I mean?
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: Like there's going to be different.
• 26:09
  Speaker 2: And I think those are okay and I think that's fine too.
• 26:12
  Speaker 1: But it takes communication, like if someone's feeling like this is why this hurt me, the rejection last night hurt me, or this is why I'm not feeling it, or you haven't helped me at all and I feel no emotional connection to you.
• 26:25
  Speaker 1: This is also why I'm not in the mood, like you have to be able to talk about those things.
• 26:33
  Speaker 1: Oh, agreed, 100.
• 26:34
  Speaker 1: But I think back to the topic of the podcast is, when you pursued your spouse, you went above.
• 26:39
  Speaker 1: You didn't just.
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: Hey, when I pursued my spouse, I talked to my spouse, I listened.
• 26:44
  Speaker 1: No, you probably did a little bit extra.
• 26:46
  Speaker 1: And I'm not saying, oh, we have to raise this bar, that I mean we're all in this busy life of raising kids and we have a house full of teenagers and we work full-time.
• 26:54
  Speaker 1: I get that you're tired, but it's the little tiny things, it's.
• 26:58
  Speaker 1: It's that little bit.
• 26:59
  Speaker 1: I mean tell Nick.
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: I mean he, he thinks I never initiate, but I try a few times a month to initiate, even if I beat him at it quickly and he's you know what I mean and it's not going to happen all the time.
• 27:11
  Speaker 1: But but even even just those few times just mean the world to me, and I think that's what but even just a couple times, or once or twice a month if you're the, if you're not normally the initiator and you and you initiate, okay that's, that's a great way.
• 27:26
  Speaker 1: It's stepping out of something that's not natural to you and husbands stopping at the store and grabbing a bouquet of flowers on the way home from work.
• 27:33
  Speaker 1: I'm sorry you've got 20 extra minutes in your week.
• 27:35
  Speaker 2: You just do well I think what you just said is very profound and important.
• 27:40
  Speaker 2: You step out of, maybe, your comfort zone and you do something that maybe normally you wouldn't do.
• 27:46
  Speaker 2: Ask your spouse what that looks like.
• 27:48
  Speaker 2: But that's why it's so important and that's why pursuing is so important is because your spouse, whether your husband or wife, will recognize that you went out of your way to do whatever it was.
• 28:00
  Speaker 2: That shows that you really care about him.
• 28:03
  Speaker 2: It's not.
• 28:04
  Speaker 1: It's not what it comes down to.
• 28:05
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's not the everyday things that are simple to do, it's the things that you go out of your way to do and that that, that is what shows your spouse that you're you're pursuing and that you actually care, is, you know, exactly like what you said.
• 28:23
  Speaker 2: Like if, if I stopped and got flowers on the way home and gave them to amy, I would assume that that would be like, oh man, he thought you know, I know he went out of his way.
• 28:32
  Speaker 2: He probably wasn't thinking about that at first, but that meant a lot to me just because he thought of me.
• 28:37
  Speaker 2: Or vice versa, with pursuing and saying hey, babe, I'd love to, I'd love to do this tonight, right?
• 28:44
  Speaker 1: well and this.
• 28:44
  Speaker 1: And before we get in trouble for hey, it's not always him that wants this and it's not always her that wants this Find out what your spouse wants.
• 28:53
  Speaker 1: You have to have that discussion Like here's a great idea, get out your notes on your phone.
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: The next time you guys are both sitting on your phone probably today, because that's what everyone does, right Climbs into bed probably, scroll on your phone, get on your notes, switch phones with each other you take his, he takes hers and a blank note.
• 29:12
  Speaker 1: Write down 10 things that would make you feel super loved, that are outside of the box.
• 29:17
  Speaker 2: I love that.
• 29:17
  Speaker 2: That's a great idea.
• 29:19
  Speaker 1: I would love if you showed up at the door on a date night with a single flower, like you did.
• 29:23
  Speaker 1: I would love it when you sent me a little love note and left it in my car.
• 29:27
  Speaker 1: Like those kind of things.
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: Like I'm not saying those are mine, we'll talk later.
• 29:31
  Speaker 2: No, yeah, yeah, yeah, We'll talk later.
• 29:33
  Speaker 2: No, I was just saying I think that's a great idea.
• 29:36
  Speaker 1: I would love it if you planned a date like our first date and actually put some thought into it and we did something super fun that brought back memories.
• 29:48
  Speaker 1: And he might say I would love it if you would text me a hot, spicy text this week.
• 29:50
  Speaker 1: Or I would love it if you would offer to give me a shoulder massage, like whatever that looks, and then pass your phones back and don't do it that week, because then they're going to be like you just did it because I told you to but that's okay too that's okay too, if that's fine.
• 30:04
  Speaker 1: but like I don't like to tell Nick, like you haven't given me flowers in a while and then the next day he shows up with flowers.
• 30:08
  Speaker 1: That means nothing to me.
• 30:09
  Speaker 1: Make it spontaneous, give it a little bit of time and keep that in track.
• 30:14
  Speaker 1: Okay, once a week I'm going to do one of these things on this list, or in the next couple weeks.
• 30:19
  Speaker 1: That's what's pursuing to me means going outside of the box.
• 30:22
  Speaker 1: Pursuing means doing the things that you did when you fell in love, not just chalking it down to well, I did, I helped you with this today, or we did, we did this together today.
• 30:32
  Speaker 1: Wasn't that connecting enough?
• 30:34
  Speaker 1: Like it's, it's about the stuff that you don't naturally do, like pursuing, like really pursuing your spouse.
• 30:40
  Speaker 1: That's what I have to say, sorry I went on a rant.
• 30:45
  Speaker 1: I hope no one checked out after that.
• 30:47
  Speaker 2: So let's, let's just talk about some of the ways it looks like to pursue your spouse emotionally, and I think, um, regular check-ins is really important, and these regular check-ins can just be sitting down for a few minutes saying how do you both feel about the relationship?
• 31:03
  Speaker 2: Um, are there things that you're lacking in?
• 31:06
  Speaker 2: Just kind of having like a come to jesus, so to speak, with each other, right like talking to each other, and that's not pursuing your spouse, but that should be something you're doing every week, regardless.
• 31:16
  Speaker 1: Yes, correct?
• 31:17
  Speaker 2: yeah, and obviously active listening.
• 31:19
  Speaker 2: You know, listening to your spouse and hearing their feedback and um, just just being there to listen what he's right.
• 31:31
  Speaker 1: He's looking at me like I'm gonna approve it, or something no, I think active listening is very, very important.
• 31:36
  Speaker 1: Bare minimum, once again well, and I know that that sounds really bad because a lot of people are not getting that.
• 31:43
  Speaker 1: If you're not getting that, like these are there, start there, but these are the foundational things.
• 31:49
  Speaker 2: These are bare minimum, but these are the foundational things that are going to lead to pursuing your spouse emotionally, like if you don't have regular check-ins, if you're not listening, if you're not doing these things, you're not going to be able to pursue your spouse.
• 32:02
  Speaker 2: So this is the foundational stuff that if you're doing these things, you're going to be a lot more likely and intentional on pursuing.
• 32:10
  Speaker 1: I just didn't know we were talking about the basis today.
• 32:12
  Speaker 1: I just thought we were pursuing because we have an entire podcast on 50 ways to connect emotionally Right.
• 32:17
  Speaker 2: Yeah, for sure.
• 32:18
  Speaker 2: And then I think you know, like Amy and I've talked about, is doing the intentional acts of love.
• 32:23
  Speaker 2: These are the small things, just going out of your way a little bit to show them, show your spouse that you love them, whether sending them a text or a note or surprising them with their favorite snack or flowers, or just little little acts that let your spouse know that, hey, I'm thinking of you and I love you, right?
• 32:41
  Speaker 2: Even if it's a hectic day or a hectic week, like you're still on my mind, right.
• 32:46
  Speaker 2: And then I think, obviously, quality time.
• 32:50
  Speaker 2: You got to spend quality time together.
• 32:52
  Speaker 2: Like you're not.
• 32:53
  Speaker 2: There's no way for you to pursue your spouse if you're not spending time together.
• 32:58
  Speaker 2: It just doesn't work, right, you have to spend time together.
• 33:01
  Speaker 2: So that's going out on date nights, maybe an overnight or once in a while, um, doing things that you don't have to go out on date nights too.
• 33:10
  Speaker 1: There's a lot of people that don't have family, don't have anyone to watch their kids and don't have the money.
• 33:14
  Speaker 1: We get how expensive it is to go out and pay a babysitter we were there when our oldest turned a certain age.
• 33:20
  Speaker 1: It was the best day of our lives.
• 33:21
  Speaker 1: You can put your kids to bed.
• 33:23
  Speaker 1: They all go to sleep at night.
• 33:24
  Speaker 1: Get them out of your room, lock your door and have a fun date night together.
• 33:27
  Speaker 1: We have a free list of 50 spicy date nights and emotionally connecting date nights that is available, so grab that and do date nights at home.
• 33:37
  Speaker 1: It's about intention.
• 33:37
  Speaker 1: It doesn't have to be out on the town or expensive, right?
• 33:41
  Speaker 2: yeah, yeah, exactly, totally agree.
• 33:44
  Speaker 2: But I think, setting those fine, you can't really pursue your spouse if you don't have the foundational things down.
• 33:50
  Speaker 2: And it's amazing how many people don't have the foundational things down, because what is?
• 33:54
  Speaker 2: What do they say?
• 33:55
  Speaker 2: Like the average person, average couple, talks to each other in deep conversation for like 11 minutes total a day, right?
• 34:02
  Speaker 2: So if you, if you don't have those foundational things down, then you can't really build upon anything.
• 34:08
  Speaker 1: I agree, definitely start there.
• 34:10
  Speaker 1: We have lots of episodes on that.
• 34:11
  Speaker 1: I just I guess where I come from is that this podcast is supposed to make your merit well.
• 34:19
  Speaker 1: I mean, our whole point of purpose is to make your marriage more passionate.
• 34:23
  Speaker 1: So so yeah, the basis, the emotional connection, is key.
• 34:27
  Speaker 1: That's the foundation we're trying to be like.
• 34:30
  Speaker 1: Okay, build that and then let's make it better, right?
• 34:35
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I think you know, obviously, as couples, if you truly love each other, you're going to want to do things for your spouse to make your spouse happier, going to want to do things for your spouse to make your spouse happy, you're going to want to pursue your spouse in different ways, even if it's not always the most convenient, um, even if it's not always as frequent as maybe you feel like it should be.
• 35:00
  Speaker 2: I mean going back to it.
• 35:02
  Speaker 2: You know like it's hard.
• 35:04
  Speaker 2: I mean, we all come from different backgrounds and experiences.
• 35:07
  Speaker 2: So, like I've said before in the podcast I came from, uh, my parents were never affectionate to each other.
• 35:13
  Speaker 2: I never saw any of that.
• 35:15
  Speaker 2: So that's, that's what I grew up with.
• 35:18
  Speaker 2: So I, when Mamie and I first got married, I wasn't the greatest at getting flowers or doing those things where Amy's dad was the total opposite, you know, would just flower his mom with, or flower his wife, amy's mom, with everything, and so you know, amy's expectations in that area were completely different than what I grew up with.
• 35:37
  Speaker 2: And that again, that gets back to like having some having some understanding with each other and talking about it and and recognizing that, hey, we came from different backgrounds.
• 35:48
  Speaker 2: What is a what is a good balance, like how, yeah, maybe I'm not getting flowers every day, but um, you know, what I'm saying.
• 35:58
  Speaker 2: You know what I'm saying?
• 35:58
  Speaker 2: I, I'm just, I'm just throwing things out.
• 36:01
  Speaker 1: Please don't buy her flowers every day, she won't want those.
• 36:12
  Speaker 2: But the point I'm trying to make is you, you know, maybe that balance is never going to be perfect, but appreciating the efforts and the and the things that are being pursued for what they are, um, I don't know, just just my thoughts.
• 36:17
  Speaker 2: What do you, what are your thoughts on that?
• 36:19
  Speaker 1: I was just laughing while you were talking because I was like you were saying that you didn't know anything about giving stuff.
• 36:24
  Speaker 1: But I'm like.
• 36:24
  Speaker 1: You gave me flowers and all sorts of stuff while we were dating.
• 36:28
  Speaker 2: I did, and then the minute we got married.
• 36:30
  Speaker 2: I didn't even get him on holidays and I was like I don't think that was learned from your parents.
• 36:34
  Speaker 1: I think that was like I'm married, I'm good, check, don't have to buy anything anymore yeah, and that was.
• 36:39
  Speaker 1: That was what you do not do so I just think that and we had some good talks our first year I'm like, wait a second.
• 36:48
  Speaker 1: You just literally pursued me and got me married and then you stop and he felt the same way about it.
• 36:52
  Speaker 1: Like you know what I mean.
• 36:54
  Speaker 1: Like I think I mean this can it looks both.
• 36:56
  Speaker 1: It looks different, both ways from different spouses.
• 36:59
  Speaker 1: They're both not feeling pursued.
• 37:00
  Speaker 1: Talk about it.
• 37:01
  Speaker 1: What makes you feel loved?
• 37:03
  Speaker 1: What makes you feel loved?
• 37:05
  Speaker 1: Okay, I'm gonna try harder to make you feel loved.
• 37:06
  Speaker 1: What makes you feel loved?
• 37:07
  Speaker 1: Okay, I'm going to try harder to make you feel loved.
• 37:09
  Speaker 1: You try harder Like it's a it's an ongoing conversation.
• 37:11
  Speaker 2: We have it all the time and instead of assuming what your spouse, what they need or what it looks like for you to pursue them, maybe talk about it, because there's going to be some women that are like I don't want flowers, that means nothing to me, yeah, yeah, for yeah, for sure.
• 37:25
  Speaker 2: So have have those conversations and say this is what it feels like to me to be pursued, when, when you do these things, this is this is how I feel pursued, and vice versa.
• 37:35
  Speaker 1: And have those conversations yeah, I like that.
• 37:38
  Speaker 1: I think that's a great idea, because what I want is not what any other any other wife might want.
• 37:43
  Speaker 1: Like yeah, we're all different.
• 37:44
  Speaker 1: She might just want you to literally turn your phone off for an hour and talk to her.
• 37:48
  Speaker 1: Maybe she's literally just that easy.
• 37:50
  Speaker 1: Yeah, for sure, which is awesome.
• 37:52
  Speaker 2: Well, obviously, as we always talk about, there's a huge link between emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy, and if the emotional intimacy is off, the sexual intimacy is going to be off, and if the sexual intimacy is off, the emotional intimacy is going to be off, and it's such a it's such a tough balance to find.
• 38:09
  Speaker 2: I mean, I think even even people that consider themselves to have a really, really good marriage, I think, are always, um, trying to figure out how to balance these two things.
• 38:20
  Speaker 2: I don't think it's.
• 38:21
  Speaker 2: I guess what I'm saying and maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm naive at only being 48 years old is I feel like there's very, very, very few couples that just always have that balance and everything's just always good.
• 38:38
  Speaker 2: I feel like I have no idea.
• 38:39
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I don't either, but we get so many messages and I feel like so many couples out there are really struggling with things Like I.
• 38:50
  Speaker 2: I was really naive when we first started this journey.
• 38:53
  Speaker 2: I just assumed most people probably had decent marriages and, uh, that was the majority, and now I'm starting to believe that the majority of people are really struggling with a lot of things in their relationship and that's why Amy and I are doing what, what we feel we've been called to do, which is really try to help people learn how to talk and communicate and better their marriage and all the resources and things that we have, because there are a lot of people out there that are really struggling.
• 39:25
  Speaker 2: And you know, marriage doesn't have to be perfect.
• 39:28
  Speaker 2: It's never going to be perfect.
• 39:29
  Speaker 2: You're always going to be fighting those imbalances.
• 39:32
  Speaker 2: You're going to always have outside sources trying to pull you apart as a couple, and it's that constant battle, that constant fight, that constant pulling that, when you're working together as a couple, can make you a lot stronger in the long run.
• 39:46
  Speaker 2: And so, um, anyways, just just my thoughts no, those are good thoughts.
• 39:52
  Speaker 1: It's very, very intertwined, very intertwined yep so I just think to end this one is literally go take that challenge.
• 40:02
  Speaker 1: Go take that challenge.
• 40:04
  Speaker 1: Go sit next to each.
• 40:05
  Speaker 1: Go sit next to each other.
• 40:06
  Speaker 1: Spend a few minutes, hand each other phones or paper, whatever you want to do and just write down the 10 things that would make you feel pursued in your marriage and see what your spouse comes up.
• 40:16
  Speaker 1: It might be really, really simple things.
• 40:18
  Speaker 1: I think you'll be shocked.
• 40:19
  Speaker 1: Like I would be so happy if you just complimented me once in a while, like that's might be one of the answers, like it might.
• 40:28
  Speaker 1: You'd be like wow, I didn't realize I didn't do that.
• 40:30
  Speaker 1: It might be that simple.
• 40:31
  Speaker 1: So I really think that challenge could help them.
• 40:34
  Speaker 1: It could start a really good conversation too.
• 40:36
  Speaker 1: Like I had no idea you were going to put that on the list.
• 40:38
  Speaker 1: Why didn't you tell me you enjoyed that?
• 40:40
  Speaker 2: that's a great conversation to start having yeah, and and, like said, it'll probably be a lot easier than you think.
• 40:46
  Speaker 2: And, knowing the things that your spouse needs, I mean you got it right there.
• 40:52
  Speaker 2: You're like.
• 40:53
  Speaker 1: I do want my spouse to feel loved then you're going to be more willing to put the energy in, I think.
• 41:14
  Speaker 1: I think that's where a lot of marriages are struggling, as we're lacking energy.
• 41:18
  Speaker 1: We're putting our energy into other things and not our marriages.
• 41:21
  Speaker 1: We're dumping our energy into our kids.
• 41:23
  Speaker 1: We're dumping our energy into our careers.
• 41:25
  Speaker 1: We're tired at night.
• 41:27
  Speaker 1: We all are, everyone's tired at night.
• 41:29
  Speaker 1: And so thinking of I have to pursue and a lot of women are like I have to like go initiate, really Like when that's not something that's naturally on your mind.
• 41:37
  Speaker 1: That's a struggle, it's a struggle and it's a struggle on both sides.
• 41:41
  Speaker 1: So just keep being patient with each other, I think Well and I love that you brought up pride too.
• 41:46
  Speaker 2: I think a lot of times we're prideful and we're like I'm not the one with the problem, it's my spouse with the problem and I think I think if you can't let down your pride, then you're never going to be able to move forward and be able to realistically pursue each other in the way that you need to pursue each other.
• 42:05
  Speaker 1: Oh, I think pride is like literally killer marriage.
• 42:07
  Speaker 1: Like it's really hard as a woman to be like, well, he didn't even help me with this, that's this, and now I'm tired, and now he wants something.
• 42:14
  Speaker 1: I think that's very, very most women's at night's idea in their head for sure.
• 42:19
  Speaker 1: I mean we're talking and I'm not saying that's always okay to have those feelings, but but it is normal and natural and I think that's really really that's where communication comes in yeah, I mean, I think we're talking about things that most couples are shaking their heads saying, yeah, this is exactly how I feel.
• 42:35
  Speaker 2: This is why won't she?
• 42:37
  Speaker 1: initiate with me.
• 42:37
  Speaker 1: I mean, that's our common, that me and Nick I'm like we have these conversations.
• 42:40
  Speaker 1: Why won't you initiate me?
• 42:42
  Speaker 1: Well, because I'm not thinking about that.
• 42:44
  Speaker 1: I, literally I that didn't even cross my mind, I'm sorry.
• 42:46
  Speaker 1: Well, I don't feel loved by you, I I'm.
• 42:49
  Speaker 1: I'm so sorry.
• 42:50
  Speaker 1: I will try harder yeah, I know like well, I mean, it really just comes down to like listening and trying harder yeah, intention intention really is as simple as that, so okay, we'll start, we'll stop on this one anyways who, uh, who, is our sponsor for this ultimate intimacy podcast?
• 43:12
  Speaker 2: do you have your seats?
• 43:14
  Speaker 1: uh, let's see this one, this, oh, it's the same one.
• 43:17
  Speaker 2: Ultimate intimacy oh perfect, yeah, they must be paying us pretty good nothing.
• 43:23
  Speaker 1: Um, we have amazing products, but we already share that all the time.
• 43:28
  Speaker 1: So let's talk about how awesome the app is if you haven't downloaded it yet.
• 43:32
  Speaker 1: Conversation starters Literally what we've been talking about.
• 43:35
  Speaker 1: This whole podcast is about having conversations.
• 43:38
  Speaker 1: How can I love you more, how can I romance you more?
• 43:41
  Speaker 1: How can I pursue you more?
• 43:42
  Speaker 1: How can I be a better spouse?
• 43:43
  Speaker 1: Those kind of things are in the conversation starters.
• 43:46
  Speaker 1: When it comes to sexual intimacy, how can we prioritize sex more often in our marriage?
• 43:53
  Speaker 1: What kind of things would you like to try?
• 43:54
  Speaker 1: What kind of things can make it more fun and exciting?
• 43:56
  Speaker 1: Those kind of conversations are, in the intimate conversation starters, very important.
• 44:02
  Speaker 1: I mean, if we talk about those things with being pursued, like, I bet the women would love the regular conversation starters and I bet the husbands would love the intimate ones.
• 44:11
  Speaker 1: It's it's helping both of those areas.
• 44:13
  Speaker 1: Like, if you want to learn how to love your spouse better, download the app, get on the conversation starters.
• 44:19
  Speaker 1: I don't care if you've been married 50 years.
• 44:20
  Speaker 1: There are conversations in there that you have not had.
• 44:23
  Speaker 2: We hear from couples all the time like I can't believe some of the questions.
• 44:26
  Speaker 2: I mean we travel and we were talking for two hours about just one conversation starter and we love them.
• 44:32
  Speaker 1: And even if you're on a road trip with your kids, the regular conversation starters have great conversations about goals and family and boundaries and finances and I mean super important topics, or the.
• 44:44
  Speaker 1: Would you rather questions as well, or the would you rather, or we have the truth or dare.
• 44:48
  Speaker 1: If you want to excite the bedroom, there's just so much stuff in the app.
• 44:51
  Speaker 1: If you haven't downloaded it, download it for free.
• 44:54
  Speaker 2: Go do it Ultimateintimacycom.
• 44:56
  Speaker 2: That's ultimateintimacycom and we hope all of you enjoyed the podcast and until next time, we hope all of you find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.