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I Spent Years Seeking Approval—Then This Happened · Harder Than Life

• 0:00
  I did whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. Option A, do what I want. Option B, I'll make you. There are two ways to live under someone else's control. Chase their approval or spend your life reacting against it.
• 0:18
  So the people pleaser and the rebel are the same person. I never thought of myself as a people pleaser. Turns out that was the same prison, just a different cell. Rebellion is not freedom. When you don't have standards, you just are constantly reacting. Without them, you're either performing for people or performing against them. But you're not moving forward. And when you raise your standard, people will leave. Let them live.
• 0:45
  Let them go. What would change tomorrow if you stopped asking and started deciding? I've got a newsflash for you. Everything will change. Those of you that are watching and you tune in every single week, please smash that subscribe button. We are focused on growing that for you to get bigger and better guests. I appreciate it. It means the world to me and our team.
• 1:12
  breathing into you. If you're watching this on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify, subscribe on that platform. I never thought of myself as a people pleaser. I did whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. True story. Turns out that was the same prison, just a different cell. It was what I was using to mask the true issue. There are two ways
• 1:41
  to live under someone else's control. Chase their approval or spend your life reacting against it. Both are still running your life today. Freedom is neither. Freedom is a standard you set for yourself. Welcome to Thursday, solo episode of the Heart and Life Podcast.
• 2:09
  And we're going to talk about, I stopped asking for permission and everything changed. So here is my experience. If you guys haven't noticed, lots have changed in my healing journey. So I just keep very little notes and I literally riff on these as I go along. So I think of the most impactful story and I'm literally thinking about how many times I've rebelled.
• 2:39
  without a standard, doing whatever, whenever, and numbing enough not to care about any of the consequences. I could pick a thousand stories, literally, from jumping behind bars, behind actual alcohol bars to make drinks, cutting lines, thinking I was cooler than I was,
• 3:09
  And it just was, I just looked back and I'm embarrassed, but I want to share with you these stories. And I would act like, the big one that'll resonate with most people is relationships. That's literally what the heart of life podcast is all about is the relationship with myself, the lack of relationship with myself and what I did to people that I wanted to love me, that I thought I wanted to love me.
• 3:37
  And why I'll share an embarrassing one. This is so embarrassing. It was my 40th birthday. It was on Thanksgiving. And you guys are going to kick out of this. Sorry, I'm going to say this because you'll see how God just kept sending me lessons and I would do whatever I want. So on my birthday, and this is the first time I'm ever going to say this out loud.
• 3:58
  I woke up, I was out the night before with two women, had a frickin' blast, woke up in the morning with a massive hangover, probably still drunk, popped a frickin' an ecstasy pill. My cousin came and picked me up, drove me to the Detroit Lions game. It was Thanksgiving day and I partied like a rock star. And I was hosting Thanksgiving that night.
• 4:21
  And after Thanksgiving, all my friends and all my, the rest of my family showed up and there had to be a hundred people over. And we partied. And my cousin, his only responsibility was to keep me sober. And my aunt, his mother, was throwing the holiday party at my house. I furnished everything, but she was there taking care of it while I was at the game, having fun, so to speak. Well, fast forward.
• 4:50
  My cousin says to my, his mother, this guy's got more friends than anybody I've ever seen. And every single one of them bought him a shot and he drank it. So I came back needless to say, very, very intoxicated. And I said some of the dumbest things to everybody, especially I literally hit on my other aunt, my, my uncles, who's my, my father's brother.
• 5:15
  who literally took over from my father when my father passed away. I hit on his wife and just said some of the most appalling things. It was embarrassing and I wish right then and there I would have quit, but I would do and I passed that off. Like I could do whatever I want. I did call and apologize, but it was embarrassing. And
• 5:43
  I, the moral story is I've done whatever the hell I want from a unhealed perspective. And I'm going to teach you guys on this show how to do it from a healed perspective and watch how life gets better and better, better. It did lead me to have a lot of fun, hurt a lot of people, but let's start off with telling you why this, I did this. So the childhood home, we're asking for anything was about with no and negativity. Okay.
• 6:12
  So the overcorrection on my part, if no one is going to give me permission, I'm going to take it. Whatever I want. And I literally used to say that, and I still say it for fun. Option A, do what I want. Option B, I'll make you. Funny thing is, when you heal, you actually magnetize exactly what you want. It comes to you.
• 6:40
  Needless to say, alcohol was the driver or the buffer between the action and the consequence. So every time it was, it was not only the buffer, but it was the catalyst. It was everything full stop on alcohol. If you're drinking it, I get it. You can have, if you have just one and, and, and I'm not one of those guys that if I had one, I got to have 30. I just had.
• 7:05
  A lot, because I had a big tolerance. So if you're drinking alcohol and that seems to be present with all of your regrets and all of your silly decisions, look no further, because that seems to be the culprit to a lot of people. Hitting on my aunt was about as bad as it can be. And everybody laughed and had a good time and thought it was the funniest thing in the world.
• 7:34
  but I didn't and my aunt didn't and neither did my uncle who's been nothing but good to me. So the highest I'm sorry I could ever do is doing what I did, which was getting sober, doing the work and paying it forward to all you guys. And then I discovered that where no standards underneath chaos are just reactions. When you don't have standards, you just are constantly reacting.
• 8:03
  And you know me, I like to be proactive, create boundaries, create standards. But doing that is very hard. And a lot of people, oh, boundary up. I hear the boundary up a lot when I hear the catch flights, not feelings. And a lot of things we do are literally still crutches. They might not be as bad for us, but
• 8:32
  You don't need to talk about your boundaries. You can see the boundary. You can feel the boundary. I don't need to explain my boundaries to somebody. So if you have to explain them, then they probably are artificial. Back to doing whatever I want from an unhealed perspective. It was an act of rebellion. Rebellion is not freedom. It's just defiance.
• 9:01
  wearing freedom's clothes. It's another avoidance mechanism. So the people pleaser and the rebel are the same person. So if you're people pleasing or a rebel, it all comes from the same unhealed trauma. We gotta figure out what that is. The one says to avoid rejection, one says to avoid control, but notice you're avoiding something.
• 9:28
  And when we avoid something that is not being harder than life, both of those avoidances are still asking someone else, something external to define them or give them value. Notice my octaves just went up a bit.
• 9:50
  Because everything that you have and you require in life, you can supply. You have it inside of you. And I say that with so much gusto. Because the moment you realize that, the moment you feel it, you will never give it up. Not for anybody. Not for any drink. It is the best feeling in the world.
• 10:19
  So real freedom starts when you stop reacting entirely and start deciding what you want your life to look like. And I want joy, peace and purpose. We talked about standards and boundaries. You don't find them. You build them. And once they're built.
• 10:50
  No one can take them from you. And no one can tell you they're right or wrong. These standards and boundaries are not restrictions. They are the architecture of a free and empowering and magnetic life. Without them, you're either performing for people
• 11:16
  are performing against them, but you're not moving forward. The shift happens. It happened in my life when I stopped asking, what will they think? And start asking, what do I stand for and what do I need in this situation right now?
• 11:45
  Once I feel remiss to tell you guys about once I, I, I involve standards and boundaries were installed, the clarity and the non-negotiables, the quiet confidence that replaced all the noise and the chaos. Oh my God. I just literally felt that when I just said that to you, the quiet confidence that replaced the chaos and the noise. You notice I say non-negotiable.
• 12:13
  If you negotiate with your boundaries, they're just suggestions, they're merely suggestions. So there's no negotiation. I don't negotiate with myself, and I sure in the heck can I negotiate with somebody else about what I'm gonna allow in my life, and neither should you. Nobody gets to tell you that your boundaries or standards are stupid. Those are the people
• 12:34
  that are offended by them because A, they probably don't have them and it affects them the most. That's an invitation to get the hell out of your life. It's harsh, but it's a hard truth that we avoid. And when you raise your standard, people will leave. That very same person we just talked about, let them, let them go.
• 13:01
  Your life, that's literally addition through subtraction. And it's the easiest one. It's easier to take things away than it is to add. The things you thought you needed will disappear. Man, I thought that, I remember saying to my therapist, what am I going to do? Where do you meet people when you don't drink? What do people do that don't drink? I'm so busy right now. When I freed up that space,
• 13:31
  positive things filled up that space. And at first it will feel like a punishment. It is not. It is the pruning of your life. We know how when the spring comes out, you need to prune back and cut back a tree so it can grow bigger and better. It's a lot like that. It's a lot like when you work out and you tear your muscles down to get bigger. It is not a punishment. The loneliness will feel like it.
• 13:57
  But think of it as a cocoon and you're going to come out a beautiful butterfly. And everything that falls away was only there because that old version of you needed it. The loss is not the cost of growth. The loss is the growth of.
• 14:19
  Again, I always am going to give you action items. I don't give you a problem without giving you answers. And these answers are what I did. Take what works for you, take the message, and leave the mess. Because, boy, are mine messy. As always, four action items. I try to keep it simple. Four action items of what I want you to do. Identify who's voicing you.
• 14:48
  I don't know if I, whose voice is in your head when you make decisions. I literally have good Kelly and evil Kelly and evil. Kelly always made decisions. I gave him a name. Evil Kelly was those of you who know me. My mother's married name was Bobrowski. I call that Bobrowski cause he's the unhealed. I call the evil one, but Kelly Bobrowski, that was.
• 15:19
  My childhood name, I changed it to my father's last name, which is Siegel when I turned 18 because I wanted my degree to be in my father's last name. I was very proud of that, but I name it. So name the voices. No sense that if I named Bobrowski was the evil, Siegel was the good. So name the voices in your head when you try to make decisions.
• 15:48
  Step two is write down three non-negotiables. The standards you will no longer compromise regardless of who approves. With me, if anything messes with my piece, it's a no. If it's not a full-blown hell yes, it is a hell F no. That's number one. Number two is I don't like to hang around or be around victims. People that have an excuse
• 16:18
  for every solution or a problem for every solution. Once you make excuses or blame others, you're giving away your power. So I don't like to be in those systems. And I don't say anything. They're on their own journey. I just disappear. So if I'm in a group and people start talking about
• 16:38
  the government or their man, the job, everything. I just disappear. Where's the bathroom? Bye. They'll figure it out. Hopefully they're listening to this podcast right now. And so.
• 16:53
  Write down three non-negotiables. I just gave you two of mine a third one very simple is that I'm gonna work out every day I I I believe in looking good feeling good doing good Everything in me even though it started off as a negative this armor this big physical armor Was to keep my dad my stepdad from beating on me my mother from beating on me It worked for me and I like the way I look and
• 17:16
  When I walk into rooms, people take me very seriously because you can't fake fitness. I'm 50 years old and I got a six pack. It is tough. It means I do the work and I mean what I say. So write down three non-negotiables. Step three, let the loss happen without chasing it back.
• 17:40
  When people or things fall away as you rise, resist the urge to shrink back down to keep them. And the easiest and simplest way that this happens is to say, I'm sorry. What do you mean you're sorry? You're sorry for growing? No. Do not say, I'm sorry that you feel this way. You do you, boo-boo. Boo.
• 18:07
  So when things and people fall away, let them. They're not meant to be in this next version of you. What do they say? People are in for a season, a reason, or a lesson. Not everybody is going to make it to the end. And I got a newsflash. Most weren't meant to. Let them run their journey. You go on yours.
• 18:33
  Step four, let's just, actually, let's take a time. Step one was identify whose voice, those voices in your head. When you make decisions, write down three non-negotiables and let the loss happen without chasing it back. Do not say you're sorry for your growth. You apologize for nothing. You are harder than life and you are trying to be happier than life. Step number four, create space and then protect it.
• 19:01
  abundance cannot fill a life that is already cluttered with the wrong things. What I mean by create space is look at your calendar and then look at your goals and see if they're in alignment. So today I wanted to go down to Florida and go to Tortuga and have fun and listen to country music and see friends. But I have to record these podcasts. Well, let me rephrase. I get to record these podcasts for you.
• 19:29
  And I have a speaking engagement on Monday morning in Detroit and I'm writing a chapter and a new book. So I have some work that I got to do. So I want to be the biggest podcast in the world and I want to make a difference. I want to pay it forward. Remember the.
• 19:50
  I'm here for a piece and a purpose, joy, peace, purpose. My purpose is to share my pain and struggles and how I got out of it and invite you all to come with me. Make sense? The bad part, the reciprocal of that is if you create space and you still live a negative life, negativity will fill that back up. Boy, do I know that.
• 20:19
  You have to be intentional about this. So I want you to sit with this one honestly, people. Really, really sit with it. The stillness, silence, and solitude and just sit. Where am I people-pleasing? Where am I avoiding what I really need to get done, what I really need, the work I really need to do? Are you living your life or performing it?
• 20:46
  Is the version of you making decisions today operating from a standard or from fear or from what somebody thinks or just flat out lack and a trauma? Ooh, been there, done that. What would change tomorrow if you stopped asking and started deciding? I got a news flash for you. Everything will change.
• 21:14
  First, I thought I lost everything. I still think that. I still watch people having the time of their lives, quote unquote, living my best life. And I know that that's just for social media. And I realize
• 21:29
  I made room for everything I was supposed to have in my life. The people, the purpose, the peace, the joy, the freedom. It came in abundance and it keeps coming. The podcast is growing now as soon as I really looked at what I was avoiding. But only after I surrendered the old version of me and stopped asking the wrong people
• 21:55
  If it was okay to become who I was meant to be, did all of these amazing things happen? So surrender and let go of that old identity. Stop asking for permission to be who you already are. This is harder than life.
• 22:20
  Thank you for listening. If you haven't already, please subscribe to the YouTube channel so you can make sure and get all these updates. And I'll see you next Thursday with some more seagull sayings and some more outrageous stories.
• 22:35
  Please rate and share this podcast. I'm active on all social platforms and love to hear from my Segal supporters. Each and every episode is sponsored by my company, National Technology Management, the easiest and best IT company to do business with, delivering peace of mind with technology every day, even simplifying cybersecurity. Visit TrustNTM.com for more info. Until next week, be harder than life.