Latest / Babes, how did you get here / Raising a Trans Daughter in a Muslim Country: How My Family Chose Love Over Fear

Transcript

Raising a Trans Daughter in a Muslim Country: How My Family Chose Love Over Fear · Babes, how did you get here

• 0:00
  I am going out to the world.
• 0:01
  I was so big and I brought shame to my family.
• 0:05
  That was the first thing I thought of.
• 0:06
  But then my parents made me feel like there is no shame.
• 0:10
  In fact, my dad, who I thought was gonna hate me for life,
• 0:14
  was the number one person that raised me up.
• 0:16
  I wanted to die.
• 0:18
  I wanted to literally die because I thought,
• 0:20
  I've brought shame to my family.
• 0:22
  What's gonna happen to me?
• 0:23
  I'm ruined for the rest of my life.
• 0:25
  Everyone's gonna look at me like, you know,
• 0:28
  like how they look at what's going on.
• 0:31
  So he went up to me and he said, I don't have a daddy.
• 0:33
  I said, who told you that?
• 0:35
  And then he goes, I just know that.
• 0:37
  You can't cry because then I'll cry.
• 0:39
  I'm sympathetic to cry.
• 0:40
  This is heartbreaking.
• 0:41
  Tony wants to be a girl and I thought, stop working.
• 0:45
  And looked up at the camera and said,
• 0:46
  maybe I may be deaf.
• 0:48
  I'm not stupid.
• 0:49
  I got you.
• 0:50
  My time, he also, in my time,
• 0:53
  there's already people that are trans.
• 0:55
  It's good.
• 0:56
  And then so I was like, yeah, but generally,
• 0:58
  she wants to have a vagina.
• 1:00
  Paz Forecard is a true Filipino beauty industry OG
• 1:05
  from model to chief makeup artists
• 1:08
  for some of the biggest brands.
• 1:10
  Estee Lauder Brand Ambassador.
• 1:11
  And today she is a Bali-based entrepreneur,
• 1:15
  curator, podcaster and mom to four boys.
• 1:19
  She builds everything around family and good vibes.
• 1:22
  She's a woman loving and living by the moment.
• 1:25
  Carrying with her the type of wisdom and light
• 1:28
  that you feel even before she speaks.
• 1:31
  And I'm so ready to soak it up.
• 1:33
  But first, I must ask, babes, how did you get here?
• 1:37
  I got here purely because of love.
• 1:40
  I fell in love with my husband at first sight.
• 1:44
  And at that time, I was a solo mom,
• 1:46
  taking care of my two older children.
• 1:48
  And we were deciding which part of the map we were going to land
• 1:51
  because we were ready for a new chapter.
• 1:54
  And I met my husband, and I immediately told my kids,
• 1:58
  this is where we're going to call home.
• 2:00
  This is where we're going to begin our new family
• 2:02
  and the rest of the history.
• 2:04
  Where did you guys meet?
• 2:06
  To be fair, we have common friends.
• 2:09
  We met through common friends,
• 2:10
  but we actually started messaging each other.
• 2:12
  We never met.
• 2:14
  We never saw each other's actual faces.
• 2:16
  We knew about each other through the common friends.
• 2:19
  But we only actually met after messaging for more than a year.
• 2:22
  I would see even a year and a half.
• 2:24
  Really?
• 2:25
  Yup.
• 2:26
  And at that time, I have to give a little bit of a story,
• 2:29
  a background story.
• 2:30
  This is 2012.
• 2:32
  There was no Instagram, really.
• 2:34
  There's no Tinder, which I would never have gone on anyway.
• 2:38
  And it was just WhatsApp was just coming about.
• 2:42
  So I was telling him, hey, we were messaging
• 2:44
  on Facebook of all places.
• 2:45
  And I was picking up the pieces of my life.
• 2:49
  And I was just setting up camp and deciding
• 2:52
  where would I want to raise my kids.
• 2:55
  And so I went back on Facebook.
• 2:58
  And I added three friends who are great connections
• 3:02
  in terms of social, of work, and family.
• 3:05
  And then so he and I just kind of started a friendship.
• 3:10
  And we knew that we liked each other,
• 3:12
  that we liked what we wrote both about.
• 3:15
  But at that time, my auntie was like a second mom to me.
• 3:19
  She was sick.
• 3:20
  And I was in Manila.
• 3:22
  And I didn't want to leave.
• 3:23
  And I told him about that.
• 3:25
  And I said that things were just going to kind of progress
• 3:30
  depending on her health.
• 3:31
  And so she eventually passed away.
• 3:33
  And when she passed away, we were already kind of preparing
• 3:36
  to move to Bali at that point, because we were sure
• 3:38
  we wanted to be together.
• 3:40
  And then yeah, we went to Bali and the rest is history.
• 3:43
  Is your husband also from Manila?
• 3:44
  No, he's French Australia.
• 3:46
  Really?
• 3:47
  Yes, he's from Byron Bay.
• 3:48
  So Byron Bay is considered kind of like the Bali
• 3:51
  of Australia, surfing.
• 3:53
  They have a very grounded mentality.
• 3:56
  It's practically like, I feel like time stop.
• 3:59
  And the 70s hippies never left.
• 4:01
  And it's actually where they started.
• 4:04
  Like they called Byron Bay their camp.
• 4:06
  And everything was just like just one love and peace.
• 4:09
  And everybody there's just so easy going.
• 4:12
  And so that's where he comes from.
• 4:14
  And coming from where he was born influenced a lot
• 4:19
  and shaped me as a person.
• 4:21
  If I'm honest with myself, I used to worry a lot
• 4:26
  about a lot of things.
• 4:27
  And I guess being a solo mom, it kind of makes you very
• 4:30
  protected.
• 4:31
  You're always on guard.
• 4:32
  You're always making sure everything is good and ready.
• 4:36
  And when I first went to Australia
• 4:37
  and when I first met these people,
• 4:40
  I realized that's why he's like that.
• 4:42
  Everyone in Australia is just like,
• 4:44
  so easy going, especially the part of the map
• 4:47
  that he's from.
• 4:49
  Everybody's just laid back.
• 4:50
  And I remember I would order a coffee,
• 4:52
  and they would say, I would say, for example,
• 4:54
  could I have a latte, please?
• 4:55
  And they would say, well, no worries, darling.
• 4:57
  It's easy love.
• 4:58
  And I thought every time somebody says that you know worries,
• 5:03
  it's good love, no problem.
• 5:05
  And everything was just like positive.
• 5:07
  It kind of shaped me into becoming this person.
• 5:09
  I was like, yeah, it's true.
• 5:11
  And I really like eased into that life,
• 5:13
  and he influenced me so much.
• 5:15
  And that's one of the reasons I fell in love with him,
• 5:17
  because he unequivocally told me that everything's
• 5:21
  going to be all right.
• 5:22
  Everything's OK, you know?
• 5:23
  Why did you guys choose Bali?
• 5:26
  He was actually in Bali way before me.
• 5:28
  He was here since he was a kid.
• 5:29
  OK.
• 5:29
  His mom decided to move from Australia.
• 5:32
  So she was originally from France, moved to Australia.
• 5:36
  By way of the gobi desert.
• 5:37
  Literally, she crossed Europe to all over the world.
• 5:43
  And then she decided when she reached the end of the world,
• 5:46
  which was Australia, she said, oh, I really like it here.
• 5:50
  And she had Pablo.
• 5:51
  And then she eventually moved to Bali like a couple of years
• 5:54
  after, because she's like a free spirit.
• 5:56
  She loves the ocean.
• 5:57
  She loves nature.
• 5:58
  And you can imagine how Bali looked like in the 80s.
• 6:01
  So beautiful.
• 6:02
  And so she was so enthralled with the place.
• 6:04
  And she decided to raise Pablo in Bali.
• 6:07
  And so he speaks amazing Bahasa Indonesia.
• 6:10
  OK.
• 6:11
  His like, palette is like real talk tantrums do not look fun.
• 6:16
  But what if I told you that they don't have to take over your house?
• 6:19
  In my course, managing tantrums like a CEO,
• 6:23
  I'll teach you the strategies that turn tantrums
• 6:25
  into opportunities, no yelling, no bribes, no screens, and no chaos.
• 6:30
  You will learn how to understand what's really going on behind those meltdowns,
• 6:34
  how to keep her cool when they lose theirs,
• 6:37
  and how to raise emotionally intelligent children
• 6:40
  without losing yourself in the process.
• 6:42
  Because CEOs don't reactivate, they respond.
• 6:45
  And you can do the same.
• 6:47
  So if you're ready to bring more calm connection
• 6:49
  and confidence to your home, click the link
• 6:52
  and check out managed tantrums like a CEO.
• 6:55
  Really, it's like he has a soft spot family.
• 6:57
  He has a soft spot for Bali.
• 6:58
  And so for many years, my friends who are surfers in Manila,
• 7:02
  they would tell me, come on, let's go to Bali.
• 7:04
  And I thought, what's the big deal?
• 7:05
  It's so similar to the Philippines, especially the islands where my dad comes from.
• 7:10
  And I thought, like, no, it's okay, like you guys go ahead.
• 7:12
  Because he was just so normal for me.
• 7:14
  And besides the offense in the Philippines,
• 7:16
  we have, you know, sand that's literally like powder.
• 7:19
  I've heard.
• 7:20
  You step on the sand and it's soft on your feet.
• 7:22
  And we love volcanic sand, but once you've had the white sand.
• 7:26
  And you can't go back, I agree.
• 7:28
  I went to Similan for the first time, the Similan Islands.
• 7:32
  And I was saying, from a Jamaica perspective,
• 7:35
  my beach like standard is high, right?
• 7:39
  And so I get there and they have the beautiful white powdery sand.
• 7:43
  And I'm just like, oh, no, this I can do.
• 7:46
  It was like, it really boggles your mind like it really puts in perspective
• 7:51
  how nature is so beautiful.
• 7:52
  And it's so awe-inspiring.
• 7:55
  And it's literally like beyond us, you know?
• 7:57
  And so one day, so you know, going back to that story of how I met Pablo,
• 8:04
  I told the kids, okay, like we were actually going to move to Spain already.
• 8:08
  Okay.
• 8:09
  We were already like geared to go to Spain.
• 8:11
  And when I met Pablo, you know, everything changed.
• 8:14
  And we decided, we're going to go to Bali.
• 8:16
  So when I told those friends who were asking me to come to Bali,
• 8:19
  they were like, what?
• 8:20
  I'm like, I'm packing all my stuff and I'm going to go to Bali.
• 8:22
  And they're like, but we've been in Bali for a long time.
• 8:25
  And I'm like, yeah, that was pre-pubble.
• 8:27
  I call everything in my life pre-pubble.
• 8:29
  And everything post-pubble.
• 8:30
  I love it.
• 8:31
  Yes, it's really the happier after.
• 8:34
  And how long after you guys met, did you move?
• 8:38
  Oh, and we didn't even, like, so basically we knew that we loved each other.
• 8:43
  We knew that we were in love with each other.
• 8:45
  We definitely had that love for each other.
• 8:47
  And so when we first physically met, that was it.
• 8:51
  Okay.
• 8:52
  Because I wanted to see him.
• 8:53
  I wanted to see him and talk to him and see how our energy, you know,
• 8:57
  like, what's the vibe if I see him?
• 8:59
  Because I wanted, you know, like that home run fireworks and stars kind of love.
• 9:06
  That was the only one I'm looking for.
• 9:07
  And so I told him, listen, you know, I'm not like, hear the full-around.
• 9:11
  I don't date.
• 9:12
  I'm looking for the one.
• 9:13
  I want to get married again.
• 9:14
  And I want to have two more kids.
• 9:16
  Really?
• 9:17
  And that's your vibe.
• 9:18
  I'm super direct to, I wouldn't say it to a focus.
• 9:20
  I'm not going to apologize.
• 9:22
  But I am a very direct person.
• 9:24
  I know what I want.
• 9:25
  And I say it directly to the person.
• 9:26
  Yes.
• 9:27
  Because I don't want to waste time.
• 9:28
  Whether I was younger or now, I just feel like why waste time?
• 9:31
  So I told him, that's what I'm about.
• 9:33
  That's what I'm looking for.
• 9:34
  And I'm not desperate.
• 9:37
  I was raised in a very loving way that I have so much health confidence.
• 9:42
  I don't worry about wanting or needing a person to choose me.
• 9:46
  So I was choosing that path.
• 9:48
  Because my kids were asking for a baby sister or a baby brother.
• 9:52
  And I was telling them, like, you know, kind of the formula works for us.
• 9:55
  We need to find a guy.
• 9:57
  And so I wasn't really willing.
• 9:59
  But because my kids, I was really fine being a solo mom.
• 10:02
  But then my kids wanted to have, I wouldn't, I think it was kind of like the short cut
• 10:06
  or quite, we have seen they wanted a family.
• 10:09
  And you don't really think about that when you're raising two kids as a solo parent,
• 10:13
  you think, like, we're good.
• 10:14
  Like, this is our boat and we're rowing, we're rowing.
• 10:17
  But then I guess they get older and then that part of them, I guess like as a human being
• 10:21
  looks for that kind of completion or like for them to feel full or that everything,
• 10:26
  like the whole picture is set.
• 10:28
  And so, so I guess that's what happened.
• 10:31
  And then so when Pablo and I eventually saw each other, like, we were, that was the only
• 10:36
  hesitation.
• 10:37
  Pablo was, Pablo really wanted to be with somebody who was physically present there with
• 10:42
  him.
• 10:43
  And I was in Manila, you know, trying to spend the last few moments of my auntie.
• 10:47
  And so when we got together, I mean, when we physically met, when I, when I saw him
• 10:52
  for the first time April, I'm telling you, like, it wasn't that I fell in love with him.
• 10:58
  I was ready a lot in love with him from the beginning, so, but I felt like I was coming
• 11:03
  home.
• 11:04
  And I was the first time I met him, I'm going to cry because I never felt that before.
• 11:09
  I didn't, I felt like so safe.
• 11:12
  And I felt like I was looking and looking and searching my whole life for water.
• 11:17
  And then I found the Oasis, it was like right in front of me.
• 11:20
  I have so many questions, you know, like, you can't cry because then I'll cry, I'm
• 11:23
  sympathetic cry.
• 11:25
  And then so when, by the way, I just wanted to add, so when we got together, we had
• 11:30
  about three months after that moment.
• 11:32
  Really?
• 11:33
  And he had to literally decide, you know, like, oh God, because I told him and he was
• 11:37
  like, yeah, okay, like I told him, if this is not the path for you, and it wasn't like
• 11:42
  an imposition, it was more like, I'm sure about what I want.
• 11:45
  You want to tag along, be part of the story, great.
• 11:48
  I told him, but if you don't, there is like no pressure at all, we can be friends.
• 11:52
  Okay.
• 11:53
  And then we kind of decided, it wasn't too much of a proposal, but we decided, no, we
• 11:57
  want to be together.
• 11:58
  Like, this is going to be it.
• 11:59
  We decided from the, from that moment.
• 12:02
  And then right after that, we opened Milk and Madu and then I found that I was pregnant
• 12:06
  within three months.
• 12:07
  Wow.
• 12:09
  Literally three months after we got together and he was like, all right, we're going to
• 12:14
  do this.
• 12:15
  And we were just like, wow, that was it.
• 12:17
  And I called my family.
• 12:18
  I'm like, um, you know, like, we're not coming back.
• 12:20
  This test, this test theory, it's not a test anymore, it's the real thing.
• 12:24
  And that was it.
• 12:25
  And my mom and dad were like, okay, we lost the bed.
• 12:27
  They had their internal bed that I didn't know about.
• 12:30
  And it was just like, and that's, you know, the rest is history.
• 12:33
  They didn't think it was going to last.
• 12:35
  It wasn't that.
• 12:36
  I don't think it was funny because my dad never liked anybody.
• 12:38
  Okay.
• 12:39
  And he liked Pablo.
• 12:40
  I was so annoyed because I thought I was like, I finally like trumped them, I did what
• 12:45
  I wanted.
• 12:46
  And my dad was just like, so forthcoming.
• 12:48
  He was like, so agreeable.
• 12:49
  And I'm like, isn't there like something wrong?
• 12:51
  Isn't that it?
• 12:52
  Don't you like it?
• 12:53
  You know, like, and he wasn't just, he wasn't just like into the idea.
• 12:56
  He was like, why don't you go like, maybe this is what you need.
• 12:59
  You know, like maybe domestication is what you need, you know, because you just sit
• 13:03
  in one place.
• 13:05
  And I guess that was it, you know, like that's it.
• 13:08
  Was there any part of you that was nervous or doubtful?
• 13:12
  I speak from my own experience.
• 13:13
  I feel like I'm a very calculated person, right?
• 13:16
  Like I feel like I'm happy to ask all of the difficult questions.
• 13:20
  And I really want to know someone before I commit.
• 13:23
  And I thought I knew, right?
• 13:25
  And I find myself in this weird space of having to acknowledge that one of the biggest
• 13:31
  decisions of my life, I didn't get right.
• 13:33
  And this is coming from someone who, not to be arrogant, but I get it right, babes,
• 13:37
  right?
• 13:38
  And a part of me, I would, I hear your story and it gives me hope because I'm like, okay,
• 13:44
  you had two children, you had a marriage before and you were able to come out from that,
• 13:50
  come out from the solar motherhood and find this person.
• 13:53
  And I just wonder, in the beginning, did you ever doubt yourself and think, am I getting
• 13:59
  it wrong this time?
• 14:00
  I think this is the part we're going to cry.
• 14:02
  Oh gosh, please.
• 14:03
  I think we have to tell the audience, I were both strong women.
• 14:07
  But I think every good mother, and I say this to people that I love, like everybody can
• 14:13
  be a mother.
• 14:14
  We know the physical science of it, but to be a good mother is just this unprecedented
• 14:20
  commitment.
• 14:21
  And I'm going to tell you a fun fact about me and all my family now watching, especially
• 14:25
  my mom is nodding and like, I'm literally the,
• 14:31
  I, how do you say everybody looks at me now because I live by my schedule and they
• 14:35
  look like I'm a planned, casualty person.
• 14:38
  But the real me, the pre kids has, it's just kind of like, I just wing it.
• 14:43
  I literally decide today and then tomorrow, I'm going to change my mind, right?
• 14:49
  But the kids really put things in respect, they literally grounded me and I never
• 14:54
  wanted to have kids, really never wanted to get married.
• 14:57
  And I was just like enjoying my life, I was living the life that I thought was just
• 15:01
  fun and easy, you know, like I would go out with a boy, I'd go to like nice places,
• 15:06
  I was modeling, the world is my oyster, I was spoiled as hell with my family, my parents
• 15:11
  spoiled me, my auntie, my extended mother, I just lived in this bubble of just like abundance
• 15:16
  and fun.
• 15:17
  I was just like fun, fun, fun, I was just having so much fun, like I think it was like
• 15:21
  illegal fun.
• 15:23
  And I didn't do drugs, I was never into it.
• 15:26
  I didn't like drink like a normal teenager back in the day, but I didn't do it to get
• 15:31
  wasted.
• 15:32
  My whole concept of life was fun, everything for me, so I wanted to have fun.
• 15:36
  And then I felt pregnant because the doctor said to me, oh, you know, you have endometriosis
• 15:40
  and you're going to have a hard time having kids.
• 15:42
  So I thought at the age of 18 and 19, I found out pretty young that I had like this condition
• 15:48
  and I said, that's it then, okay, 200% fun, I have no worry.
• 15:54
  And then bam, I got pregnant at 22.
• 15:57
  Wow.
• 15:58
  And my whole, it's like kind of like the muse adejos by music and the music stopped.
• 16:03
  And the music stopped because it was kind of like, what are you going to do, Paz?
• 16:07
  And I always have that question in my head of myself talking to myself when I'm in trouble,
• 16:12
  you know, usually with my parents, I'm like, what are you going to do, what are you
• 16:15
  going to say?
• 16:16
  And that was like the biggest moment of, what are you going to do, Paz?
• 16:20
  And at the time, you know, the father of my oldest child is not my ex-husband, so there
• 16:26
  are two different people.
• 16:28
  And he was a great guy.
• 16:29
  I say that was because he was.
• 16:33
  And I had to decide, you know, like, I can only do one thing because I was younger and
• 16:37
  it was like a lot from me and it was like commitment was always a thing for me.
• 16:41
  I couldn't commit.
• 16:42
  But because everything was just too fun.
• 16:44
  And it's like, why would you choose one color when you could have the whole range?
• 16:48
  Right.
• 16:49
  And for me, it was like, I knew instinctually, immediately the choice was to be, to choose
• 16:56
  being a mom.
• 16:57
  Okay.
• 16:58
  And I owed it to this baby because here I was having fun and thinking I wasn't going
• 17:02
  to get pregnant.
• 17:03
  But I did.
• 17:04
  Right.
• 17:05
  And if I'm honest with myself, I was so relaxed about it.
• 17:08
  I was so reckless.
• 17:09
  Maybe deep inside, if I'm honest, I really was looking for something to make me kind
• 17:16
  of just focus.
• 17:18
  Yeah.
• 17:19
  And I'm a bit extreme.
• 17:21
  I need something strong to, like, get rid of that.
• 17:23
  I couldn't see strong babes.
• 17:25
  I got my first real.
• 17:26
  And then my oldest child, Tony, she, because she's trans.
• 17:30
  So I actually technically have three boys and I consider one lady.
• 17:35
  Sure.
• 17:36
  So she always tells me, you know what, I'm actually like, we grew up together.
• 17:38
  And it's like our dynamic.
• 17:40
  I really want to say I'm a very mom, Tony and Amadeh, but it always feels like I'm their
• 17:46
  sister, like their older sister.
• 17:47
  We have a very close, intensely positive relationship that we say everything to each other.
• 17:53
  We're like, we leave nothing outside the door.
• 17:56
  We're like, we're the gang.
• 17:58
  We're the three musketeers.
• 17:59
  We're the OG.
• 18:00
  When you found out you were pregnant the first time with Tony.
• 18:03
  I found out immediately because I was regular.
• 18:05
  Okay.
• 18:06
  I missed my period.
• 18:07
  Okay.
• 18:08
  So I'm things up with Papa and I need to have the talk.
• 18:12
  And I knew it was going to be a big deal, but I also knew they'll probably hate me for
• 18:17
  a moment.
• 18:18
  Right.
• 18:19
  But they would never leave me do this on my own.
• 18:22
  Okay.
• 18:23
  And I knew that they would tell me, yep, don't get married.
• 18:26
  Don't get married.
• 18:27
  We can do this.
• 18:28
  Oh, really?
• 18:29
  We can do this as a family.
• 18:30
  You don't need to jump.
• 18:31
  Well, that's amazing.
• 18:32
  Even when I married my, you know, this is actually, it's actually silly.
• 18:36
  This is the first time I'm like publicly talking about my, my ex-husband.
• 18:41
  And I say this to even my husband, I don't have an ex-husband.
• 18:44
  I only have a husband.
• 18:45
  Okay.
• 18:46
  I call my relationship with my ex-husband, my past relationship, because being in that
• 18:50
  marriage didn't feel like a marriage.
• 18:51
  Okay.
• 18:52
  It was a very short-lived marriage.
• 18:54
  I spent majority of my 20s and my 30s without him.
• 18:59
  We spent that time without him.
• 19:00
  So with all due respect, I don't consider him my ex-husband.
• 19:05
  How long were you married for?
• 19:06
  We were together.
• 19:07
  I would say, we have to go back in the archives.
• 19:11
  I would say we were together for five years, four or five years.
• 19:17
  To be honest, you see, I can't even, I can't even remember.
• 19:20
  It's not that I pushed it back, but I guess I can't even tell, like, which is the part
• 19:25
  that was, that was kind of like adult and which is the part that was, you know, very immature.
• 19:30
  But we were married.
• 19:31
  We were, because to be honest with you and the Philippines, you had to be married.
• 19:36
  Okay.
• 19:37
  It's a very conservative country.
• 19:38
  And you know, like, we were, we have a lot of that Catholic mindset, and you have to,
• 19:43
  you know, you know, wait for marriage before you have sex and if you have a child.
• 19:49
  It's a very unique and frowned upon notion to be a single mom.
• 19:55
  But I think because my family was respected, because of their contributions to society,
• 19:59
  how they were as individuals and as a group.
• 20:03
  You know, like, I grew up with a family of doctors and lawyers and they really cared themselves
• 20:07
  with so much dignity and respect.
• 20:09
  And I felt like there I was the Tasmanian devil just like, making hell for my mom, you
• 20:14
  know?
• 20:15
  And I always apologize to her.
• 20:17
  I call myself like a reformed rebel and I do not waste any conversation and I always
• 20:23
  apologize for her randomly because I really, you know, like, dragged her with me.
• 20:28
  And it was just my rebellious nature, I suppose.
• 20:30
  But in the Philippines, if you did not have a husband and you had kids, it was basically
• 20:36
  like tabloid.
• 20:37
  Okay.
• 20:38
  You know, it was just tabloid.
• 20:39
  So when you had your first child, did you feel that you had to have the child?
• 20:44
  Yes.
• 20:45
  Okay.
• 20:46
  But the decision to have told me was nothing like that because like I told you, I really
• 20:50
  just don't give a crap.
• 20:51
  Yes.
• 20:52
  I don't care what people say.
• 20:53
  Amazing.
• 20:54
  With all love and respect to my parents, even with my parents, my mind was always like,
• 20:57
  what is it that I want?
• 20:58
  I guess it's kind of like they're fault too because they raised me so strong and so confident
• 21:03
  that they built that, you know, that warrior in God is in me that was like, you are not
• 21:09
  going to let people tell you what you are and what you're going to be and who you're
• 21:12
  going to be.
• 21:13
  And I kind of like, let's extend this.
• 21:16
  And I guess it was just, they, they imbibed such amazing values in me that I knew I would
• 21:23
  never have an abortion.
• 21:24
  It was not even part of the equation.
• 21:26
  And in my heart, you do.
• 21:28
  And if what I meant was I didn't want to have, because I just wanted to have fun, you
• 21:32
  have to understand, babe, I was like, in my 20s, very early 20s, I didn't even know who
• 21:36
  I was.
• 21:37
  I was just having fun.
• 21:38
  And then when you're, you know, living in that industry of modeling and fashion, everything
• 21:42
  is so surreal.
• 21:44
  People actually don't have that concept.
• 21:46
  They don't understand when you're there, actually, that you are living a life that is kind
• 21:50
  of not real, you know?
• 21:52
  And so when I had Tony, it was like, automatic.
• 21:56
  I am going to take care of this, baby.
• 21:58
  And I had a lot of times to answer, you know, what kind of is the long way to answer your
• 22:03
  question that did I have doubts?
• 22:05
  I was scared.
• 22:07
  I was super scared.
• 22:09
  We can't cause this.
• 22:10
  I prefer not to cause.
• 22:12
  But I'm causing it at this point in my head now, super scared because I'm like, what have
• 22:16
  I done?
• 22:17
  I am going out to the world.
• 22:19
  I was so big and I brought shame to my family.
• 22:22
  That was the first thing I thought of.
• 22:24
  But then my parents made me feel like there is no shame.
• 22:28
  In fact, my dad, who I thought was going to hate me for life, was the number one person
• 22:33
  that raised me up.
• 22:34
  I wanted to die.
• 22:36
  I wanted to literally die because I thought, I've watched him to my family.
• 22:40
  What's going to happen to me?
• 22:41
  I'm ruined for the rest of my life.
• 22:43
  Everyone's going to look at me like, you know, like how they look at the lowest of the
• 22:47
  low.
• 22:48
  And I didn't really believe in God.
• 22:52
  Okay.
• 22:53
  I was going to church a lot.
• 22:54
  It was kind of like imposed on me to go to church and I hated it because it was like,
• 22:57
  I'm hungover from a Friday night, sneaking out that my parents didn't know.
• 23:01
  I'm forced to pretend like I'm not hungover.
• 23:03
  And my dad would do this nasty thing.
• 23:04
  It put me in the first few to kind of punish me like, he knew, he knew what's up even
• 23:09
  to find life to him.
• 23:10
  But then it was kind of like, I have a Christian friend and she said to me, you know, when you
• 23:17
  don't know what to do, she was telling me in high school, you say, I lift everything
• 23:20
  up to you, Lord, let it be done, let it be real.
• 23:22
  And I'm like, I'm not a control freak, but I pride myself that I do what I want to
• 23:26
  do whenever, whatever, what I say.
• 23:29
  But then I was just brought to my knees.
• 23:32
  And this is the beginning of my relationship with God.
• 23:36
  And I don't preach about Christianity or Catholicism.
• 23:38
  And for me, it's all one God, whatever you really should.
• 23:41
  But I promise you at that moment, I was brought to my knees because I didn't know what
• 23:45
  to do.
• 23:46
  I was afraid and I had everyone's support.
• 23:47
  But internally I was like, oh my God.
• 23:51
  I got accepted into FIT.
• 23:53
  Really?
• 23:54
  Yes.
• 23:55
  I lived around the corner from FIT.
• 23:56
  I got accepted and I was like, I blew it.
• 24:00
  I had this New York left.
• 24:01
  I was going to have, I got in, everything was going to be great.
• 24:05
  And then everyone was counting on me to be this orange and new.
• 24:07
  You know, they thought like, she's smart, he's going to make it.
• 24:10
  This whole modeling thing is a phase, this makeup artist thing is a phase.
• 24:14
  I feel like I let everybody down.
• 24:16
  And so I said, no.
• 24:18
  I can let everybody down and my parents will forgive me because they're amazing people.
• 24:22
  But this baby going inside me, this has to be the beginning of, I need to be better.
• 24:27
  OK.
• 24:28
  I have to stop thinking about myself and just fun, fun, fun, and like get it together.
• 24:33
  And so I went on my knees and I prayed and I said, God, I don't know what to do.
• 24:38
  I don't know what's going to happen in my life.
• 24:40
  I surrender and I left everything up to you.
• 24:44
  Please save me because I am so lost.
• 24:46
  And I know you can tell me what to do.
• 24:49
  And at that point, I was like reading Novena, my grandmother would give me Novena, my auntie
• 24:53
  would give me rosaries and Novena and I was like, meh, and then I picked up the Bible.
• 24:58
  And then I looked at the Novena and I was reading that prayer.
• 25:02
  I'm going to cry.
• 25:03
  And every month, I would be rushed to the hospital or the doctor would check me because
• 25:07
  it was always like, I was going through so much stress.
• 25:11
  OK.
• 25:12
  And the baby was always threatening to come out.
• 25:14
  OK.
• 25:16
  OK, this is your chance.
• 25:17
  You know, like I have people telling me, great, maybe this is like God's will that you're
• 25:22
  not going to have the baby.
• 25:23
  Great, you can have your life back.
• 25:24
  OK.
• 25:25
  And I really thought about it.
• 25:26
  That line resonated in my mind and I said, my life back, what?
• 25:31
  What life did I have that was so great I was modeling.
• 25:33
  I could, you know, go out with all these sons and boys, go to nice restaurants, go to
• 25:37
  the best clubs.
• 25:38
  It was so empty.
• 25:40
  I actually felt what life was I living that was so great that I'm going to say, yeah,
• 25:44
  great.
• 25:45
  I have this baby.
• 25:46
  So I fought for the baby.
• 25:48
  And after I prayed that prayer, I fell asleep.
• 25:50
  I just fell into the most relaxing sleep of my life since I was pregnant.
• 25:55
  And I was maybe seven and a half, like eight months pregnant at that point.
• 25:59
  You know, I woke up, babe, and I felt strong.
• 26:03
  I felt like how I am today.
• 26:05
  That's the past that came out and I'm like, I got this.
• 26:08
  I'm going to be the best mom to this baby.
• 26:11
  I'm going to take care of him and that is going to be my only focus and that I started
• 26:18
  believing in God.
• 26:19
  I was praying every day and my mindset completely shifted.
• 26:24
  And I was like age is just a number.
• 26:26
  So many people, like in so many other countries, you know, can have kids at 16, I can do it.
• 26:32
  Back in the day of my grandma, kids were having it.
• 26:33
  I people are having kids at 16, I can do it.
• 26:36
  And so that decision changed my life completely.
• 26:38
  And that was the day that I said, I'm going to be a grown up.
• 26:42
  And I didn't fight.
• 26:43
  I didn't like drag my feet on the floor.
• 26:46
  I like nodded to myself and I surrendered.
• 26:49
  And since that day, I cannot claim that I'm the perfect mom and I never want to be the
• 26:53
  perfect mom.
• 26:54
  I've made a lot of mistakes.
• 26:57
  But those mistakes, and that's why I wanted to say that to you when you were sharing
• 27:00
  your feelings about your own journey of motherhood, that there are no mistakes because I say
• 27:06
  to everyone, there's no manual, there's no book that they give us.
• 27:10
  What to expect when you're expecting is for the physical part of it.
• 27:13
  They can tell you about the swings of emotion and postpartum.
• 27:17
  But nothing and no one can tell you about motherhood except yourself.
• 27:22
  It is such a unique DNA fingerprint that only you, not even your twins or your sister
• 27:29
  or my sister, can say that motherhood is the same because the circumstances are so unique.
• 27:35
  And so I feel like that is my origin story, and that is my true origin story, and that's
• 27:41
  how I became a great mom.
• 27:43
  And a lot of people would say, I'm not a great mom, or like when they say, oh, you're so
• 27:46
  gorgeous.
• 27:47
  I'm not really.
• 27:48
  No, baby, I'm Jamaica.
• 27:49
  And I say yes, I know.
• 27:50
  No, you know what I mean?
• 27:51
  But there is nothing wrong with knowing what you're good at, and everybody's like, especially
• 27:58
  when you work for it.
• 27:59
  Like when it comes to motherhood, I say to people a lot of times I will have a public
• 28:04
  persona, and my public persona, you can't really tell me nothing, right?
• 28:08
  You can't, you can't bring me down a notch.
• 28:10
  But then privately, I may have certain insecurities, and you hold those, and you know, you mull over
• 28:16
  them in your quiet time, motherhood is the first thing where the public and the private
• 28:21
  for me align.
• 28:22
  It is the only time that I know that I'm doing something right, and it's really interesting
• 28:27
  that you said about not knowing whether or in fact saying that you didn't think you were
• 28:31
  going to have children, I didn't think I was going to have children because of mother
• 28:35
  trauma.
• 28:36
  And I just was worried that I would repeat the trauma.
• 28:40
  And then like I look at my children, and I know the universe like gave them to me because
• 28:47
  my life now, you know, I had restaurants, I had to close them, post-COVID, we didn't
• 28:52
  survive.
• 28:53
  And I defined myself on my business.
• 28:56
  That was my identity before, right?
• 28:59
  It was the fact that I was an independent business owner, running restaurants by myself
• 29:03
  with no partners, no investors, and exactly.
• 29:07
  And then if I look at my life now and not having that identity, I think I would be like
• 29:14
  really, really depressed, and I don't use the word depressed lightly, I've been depressed
• 29:19
  before, I've been medicated before, so I understand depression, and I feel like I look
• 29:24
  at my children, and it's the only thing that tells me that I'm doing something right,
• 29:30
  you know, in like a really deep way that, like even when they go to sleep, it just feels
• 29:36
  like, are they really here?
• 29:37
  Like it's just...
• 29:38
  Sometimes like a dream isn't a lesson, when they're doing their tantrums, it feels like
• 29:42
  a dream too, like other kind of dream is like, this is happening to me, whatever I've done
• 29:46
  to myself, but seriously, I feel like the world doesn't realize their impact on mothers,
• 29:53
  and I often say, there's not enough support, like the world doesn't always anything, it's
• 29:59
  kind of like it's our choice being a mom, but at the same time, I explain, you know, to
• 30:05
  a lot of people that ask me about motherhood, and people forget that the smallest unit of
• 30:10
  society is the family, and the health of the mother, the state of the mother, physically,
• 30:18
  emotionally, mentally dictates a lot of the quality of motherhood she gives to her children,
• 30:23
  so there is so much pressure that people don't understand, aside from the fact that you
• 30:28
  have to earn, and you have to show off for the kids, and be like this perfect person, because
• 30:32
  you have to, you know, wake up at the same time, take care of them, there's so many little
• 30:36
  demands that come that are totally unexpected, and they just randomly appear, it's a 24-hour
• 30:43
  job that requires you to be everything and anything, all at the same time, and it's like
• 30:50
  there's no vacation, there's no holiday, and you've got to give it to the moms, because
• 30:55
  I find sometimes as well the world is hard on moms, like if you just skew a little bit
• 31:00
  to the left, like if you spank your kid, if you scream at your kid, if you cause in front
• 31:05
  of the kids, you're instantly like, you get that, you get that, you know, and for me it's
• 31:10
  like we're all learning, we're all growing up with our kids, and every day is a new day,
• 31:17
  everybody is a different day, like everybody has their personal, everybody has their character,
• 31:22
  but to be really a good parent, and I'm not just talking about moms, you just have to
• 31:28
  be aware, and you just have to commit, it's like the best job in the world that you've
• 31:34
  always dreamed, you have to make it that, and it's like those people that want to impress
• 31:38
  their boss, or they want to get that raise, or they want to, you know, be the most successful
• 31:42
  person, and you know, be in Forbes, you have to give that same kind of energy of commitment
• 31:49
  and dedication when it comes to your kids, because you cannot turn back time, you can
• 31:56
  make, I feel like you're forgiving people for the small mistakes, but we know parents
• 32:01
  that have made terrible mistakes, and life altering mistakes, and life long scarring mistakes
• 32:08
  that the children now have to spend all of their time kind of healing from, and getting
• 32:15
  past that trauma, and everybody I find now is talking about trauma, and I don't think
• 32:20
  it's a fad, I think it's people are waking up and realizing, hey, wait, hang on a second,
• 32:25
  that was not normal, how I was treated, that's not normal what happened to me, and you
• 32:30
  just kind of like, people ask me all the time, do you have any regrets, because if we don't
• 32:37
  have enough time, we don't have enough hero in our cameras to tell, I feel like I've
• 32:43
  lived so many lives, and I can say so many stories, but if I put it in a nutshell, it's
• 32:49
  really like forget everything that happened even yesterday, today is a brand new day, and
• 32:54
  you just do what you gotta do and what you can today.
• 32:57
  Have you always had that outlook?
• 32:59
  I would say what I've always had is that I just never give up.
• 33:06
  I was raised like that too, to just always look at the bright side and always believe
• 33:11
  in myself that now it's gonna be okay, and it's not like something you tell yourself,
• 33:16
  you make it happen, so, you know, like for example, being a solo mom, I looked for a job
• 33:21
  that I could do, that I could take care of my kids' hands on, because number one for sure
• 33:25
  I wanted to be hands on, number two for sure I didn't have anybody to help me in terms
• 33:28
  of like a husband or a partner, but I had the support of my family, and you know they
• 33:32
  say like it takes a village for these kids, that's true, but I was also adamant that I
• 33:38
  can do it with or without anyone, even if I will not have a lot of money, what my kids
• 33:44
  need, and that's what I wanted to tell you a while ago, I remembered now that, isn't
• 33:49
  it like the most beautiful thing when your children look at you, it's like you are this
• 33:54
  flawless human being, this light in front of them that they don't know you as the person
• 34:00
  you are so hard in yourself with, they just know you as mom, and that person that brings
• 34:05
  them so much comfort and love and security, and you have to remember that as well, like
• 34:11
  all of that good inside of you, that all is not lost, and my father raised me like that,
• 34:17
  like he would always teach me to look at the bright side, and he said to me, in the hardest
• 34:21
  part of my first pregnancy, I was crying at him and he said, baby, I'm going to tell you
• 34:27
  one thing, and I was like really listening to him, for us long as the sun rises every
• 34:33
  morning, there is hope, he said, you might feel like the world is on your shoulders, it
• 34:37
  is not, he said, as long as you realize that you have in you, everything that you need,
• 34:45
  you don't need to look left, you don't need to look behind, you just keep moving forward,
• 34:48
  and my auntie said that to me the same way, if you cry and look behind you, you'll remember
• 34:52
  everything that's making you cry, just keep going forward and just take one step at
• 34:56
  the time, one step at a time, and I wasn't this strong when I was 22, I became this strong
• 35:03
  because of the things that I went through, and I didn't allow it to tear me down.
• 35:08
  I think it in a way, it's not meant to be, it's part of the decisions I made, but being
• 35:16
  a mom taught me more than what I taught my kids, I feel like my kids taught me more than
• 35:24
  I did them in terms of teaching me what I can achieve as a person, how much I can push
• 35:30
  myself, that there are no limitations because just when you think you're so tired and you
• 35:34
  can't physically do this anymore, you do, and when the kids are all sick and you're sick
• 35:38
  too and you have a deadline for work, you can do it, and so I did this designer on my
• 35:44
  life that my kids are at the center, and I am in the center with them because I can't
• 35:49
  give them what I don't have, I can't be super mom, and be super sad, I can't be super mom
• 35:54
  and not eat well, and not take care of my fitness, and not take care of my appearance,
• 35:59
  it was just all part of it, and so the job that I did working as a makeup artist, going
• 36:05
  back to modeling, it allowed me to earn just for a couple of days in a month, so the rest
• 36:10
  of it allowed me to be there with them, so I am very fortunate that I had that opportunity,
• 36:16
  although I also had, you know when I was working together with Lancome and I was working
• 36:19
  with Mac, I also had to do that corporate part and do half and half, and I had just been
• 36:23
  really lucky that I worked with people who understood my situation, being a solo mom,
• 36:29
  and at that time when I was a solo mom in Manila, there were a handful of solo moms, or
• 36:34
  they wouldn't even talk about it, they was kind of like this secret that people would
• 36:38
  realize, oh you have a kid, not with me, with other people, but for me, almost to the
• 36:43
  point that I flaunted it, because everything I did, I was very conscious, I wanted my kids
• 36:49
  to see how I reacted, and how I regarded them, and they were never a mistake, they were
• 36:54
  never a problem, they were the ones that fixed the problem, they were the ones that set
• 36:59
  things straight, and so that's I guess how I lived my life, that I was always very conscious
• 37:06
  of how, like of all the audience in the world, the most important audience were my kids.
• 37:11
  And when you knew that you needed to get divorced, did any, I know that you say that you
• 37:17
  don't really listen to what other people are saying, but did that influence your decision
• 37:22
  at all?
• 37:23
  Were you scared to get divorced because of how things are in?
• 37:26
  At first I was scared to leave him, because I knew there was going to be a stigma, definitely
• 37:32
  the social stigma was going to be strong, in fact in my own family, I was regarded in
• 37:37
  a very negative way, I was locked that, I mean not made me this family, my parents, my
• 37:42
  siblings, 2000 percent, from the moment I was born to today, have never made me feel
• 37:49
  that blame, even my pregnancy, you know of course my parents were quite disappointed in me,
• 37:57
  but they almost felt like a breath, and it was already like survival mode, we're going
• 38:01
  to protect past, and we're going to like give her all of the love that she needs, and
• 38:06
  it wasn't even spoken, it was, I think that's the most beautiful part, that the ability
• 38:12
  of my family, my parents and my brothers and sisters to make me feel, and at this time
• 38:17
  they were living in the US, I was the only one in Manila, I forgot to say, I didn't want
• 38:21
  us in the US, my family's been there since the 60s, so we went to school and we were
• 38:25
  raising the Philippines because my mom didn't want us to grow up American, but I'm American
• 38:29
  and since then I was born, and so they ran the US at that time that I already had my
• 38:36
  first born, but they waited for me to give birth before they moved, and so imagine feeling
• 38:43
  that support from that far away, and it wasn't just a constant phone calls, you know, and
• 38:47
  at that time there was like no, it wasn't as easy to communicate with people back in
• 38:53
  the day, like I said, it was Facebook, sure, Facebook was the main way, I lived through
• 38:56
  ICQ, maybe, but I lived through like all the messaging, I can like be like a focus
• 39:01
  group discussion, but it was like I went through the time when you had to dial a number
• 39:06
  to make an overseas call, okay, and then and so it was like I knew that I had to leave
• 39:13
  them the day that he hit me, okay, I knew I had to leave him when he was belittling me
• 39:20
  and verbally abusive, and I didn't tell anyone, it wasn't because I was afraid, because
• 39:24
  I just knew that when I make that announcement, and when I say it, it has to be firm, there's
• 39:30
  no going back and forward and changing your mind, and I wasn't the type to do that, and
• 39:34
  so I waited, and I was going through my own thing, and I knew at the moment I gave birth
• 39:40
  to my son with him, because the baby was just a couple of months, and we were having
• 39:48
  a fight, and I remember I went, like I pushed him on a shoulder, like I like I, because he
• 39:53
  was bugging me and bugging me, and I basically told him, I don't want, I pushed him, I said
• 39:57
  I don't want to be with you anymore, you know, it's like part of like a move, it was literally
• 40:01
  I pushed like that, and he hit me so hard, and we were in a moving car, and he hit me
• 40:08
  in front of Tony, and Tony was four, and Tony was like don't hit my mom, that was the
• 40:14
  only time Tony ever saw me, yet hit, but that was enough, and so I told myself that was
• 40:21
  the day I set myself, I'm awake till this baby's a bit bigger, because I knew that I was
• 40:26
  going to be in for the battle of my life, and in the Philippines you know there's no divorce,
• 40:32
  you have to get in the moment, and my ex was part of a political family, so it was like
• 40:40
  it was a big thing, but long story short, that was the moment that I decided, and I'm not
• 40:49
  ever going to call myself like a battered wife or an abused wife, I don't want to put labels
• 40:55
  on myself, I just feel like if I really go back to what were the pieces that contributed
• 41:05
  to why I want to become a good mom, is I've been through people that didn't have good
• 41:10
  moms, and I know what it's like to be on the receiving end of boys that don't grow up, and I
• 41:20
  really believe in my heart of hearts that this person could have been, could have were to
• 41:27
  show that, but he was coddled by his parents, he was coddled by his mother, and he wasn't raised
• 41:33
  to be a strong man, and he did not know what it took and meant to be a good father and a good
• 41:40
  husband, and so try as he might have wanted to, and I will not be unfair and say he's a violent
• 41:47
  person, in fact he was not, I'm always fair, but I feel he got brought to that situation because
• 41:56
  he didn't want to hear that, because maybe when he was younger, he did, he saw a relationship
• 42:03
  that wasn't healthy, and the parents stayed together for their sake, and I guess he thought
• 42:11
  that you would do the same. Maybe he thought that this time it was going to be okay, and he didn't
• 42:16
  want to live through, I'm going to be divorced, I'm going to be separated, and my kids are going
• 42:21
  to be with the mom, and he knew that I was going to be the primary caretaker of the kids, because
• 42:28
  he wasn't, he was a super immature, and I remember a lot of things like having my dream job and having
• 42:37
  so many times, when basically just as a woman, you need the man to step up and be the man, and make
• 42:46
  you feel like you guys are partners, it didn't feel like that, you want to feel as a woman that
• 42:52
  you are protected, and it was the opposite of that, and it felt like I was mothering him and
• 42:58
  taking care of him more than he was taking care of us, and so I knew in a short amount of time,
• 43:05
  right after I married him, in fact I knew when I married him that I shouldn't have married him,
• 43:10
  but I did, because like I said, I thought I was going to be living in the Philippines and raising
• 43:14
  them and doing this thing, it was more of that guilt, I would say, I already have my first child,
• 43:22
  and I have my second child, and my kids are going to grow up in the eyes of the people in the Philippines,
• 43:29
  they're going to grow up illegitimate, they look at them like bastards, they're going to look at
• 43:35
  them like, they're not the same as kids with parents, and believe it or not the school that I went
• 43:42
  to that my kids eventually went to, they weren't accepted if the parents weren't married. They won't
• 43:46
  accept you. But because of my family having been in that school, and we had a great relationship,
• 43:53
  and the principle is amazing, you know, I went to school in a Spanish school run by priests,
• 43:58
  it's like super conservative, because of that good relationship, they let us like,
• 44:04
  but that is the truth, like now I really believe the Philippines has changed a lot in terms
• 44:10
  of its mentality, and there's even divorce now, but like I said, I'm the OG, I went through the time
• 44:17
  when single motherhood wasn't, was totally totally looked down upon, and you know, everybody had a
• 44:24
  nanny, I didn't, I was very hands on with my kids, and you know, you work out your marriage
• 44:30
  regardless, you don't divorce, so basically I just like ticked off all the buses of the
• 44:34
  time, not to do. But because I knew it was right, and really felt right, and every time that I
• 44:40
  listened to my gut, everything that happened in my left was superb, and every time that I would say
• 44:45
  this is what society expects me to do, this is because I'm still Asian at the end of the day,
• 44:50
  regardless of my mentality, I have to consider the impact on my family and my parents, and people
• 44:57
  might say to me, but you didn't, yeah I didn't, and then until I did, and then it backfired,
• 45:04
  you know, but at the end of the day, I tried to make the situation better, left them, decided
• 45:10
  be a single mom, and you know, like fast forward to where I am now, and I don't have regrets,
• 45:16
  because even with him, I tell my son, I will never stop loving your biological father,
• 45:22
  because as far as my children are concerned, Pablo is their father. When we got together,
• 45:27
  I never made a rule with Pablo for me, it was like, sure, these are probably his stepkids,
• 45:32
  you know, but for Pablo coming from where he comes from as well, it was, it was like,
• 45:40
  not even like a discussion, this was our family, and so I was happy because that was my wish,
• 45:45
  that was my wish that I didn't even know that I wished, but it happened, and so how old were
• 45:50
  your children when you were 14 and 9? Okay, and they loved him straight away. Yes, in fact,
• 45:56
  Tony, the oldest one was, because remember I was thinking if I'm going to go to Spain, if I'm
• 46:00
  going to go to Bali, and I had a suitor that proposed to me in Spain, and I was saying, you know,
• 46:06
  like I told him, you know, like we're friends, I'm not in love with you, you know, like and I said
• 46:10
  to myself, like maybe that's a mistake, maybe if I go with this guy that I'm not in love with,
• 46:15
  but he loves me, my father would always say, find somebody that loves you more than you love him,
• 46:19
  because men will eventually kind of like take you off, by the time you guys are going to be
• 46:23
  even, it's good, and I'm like, Pa, like what are you talking about? He was the one that told me
• 46:28
  to be romantic, and you know, all of these like old Hollywood movies, and I'm like, you're telling me
• 46:33
  to like succumb, you're telling me to like, concede, that those are not vocabulary words that I have
• 46:40
  in my head, so I'm like, the guy was like, I'm going to love you and your kids, and then I said,
• 46:47
  if I'm going to move to Spain, I'm going to move there for me and the kids, and you know, like if
• 46:51
  for example, by chance, it happened that things worked out for us, I don't know, like I just felt
• 46:57
  pressured, and again, that part of me that didn't want to commit, she was coming back, and like, oh,
• 47:00
  like I can't do this, I just got out of something, and my dad just telling me, please don't get
• 47:05
  married again, because you know, like it was expensive, so I was just like, you know, I'm fine,
• 47:11
  I'm going to be the single mom, but then when I met Pablo, I was like, but then if I go to
• 47:16
  the door B, this guy's giving me the butterflies, and the what if, and I've said, I've said like,
• 47:23
  I've had so many times in my life, I'd rather just go to this door, you know, and I say it now,
• 47:30
  we are together for 13 years, and I even love him more than I did from the first day, which the
• 47:36
  first day I was obsessed with him completely, but I've still obsessed with him, I love him so much,
• 47:41
  we've been through hell, and I said to him, I wish, like if God tells me, I'm going to choose one
• 47:47
  guy, and he's going to be the dad of all your kids, Pablo. And even Pablo said, I wish that we met
• 47:52
  from the very beginning, and I would have been like the daddy of all the kids, I mean he is,
• 47:58
  but my kids, you know, aside from the fact they call him that, in their heart of hearts,
• 48:01
  you can see that it's that, everything's like that, that, that, everything is Pablo, you know,
• 48:06
  and so, yeah, that, that's our style. Was it that connection that made you feel that this is
• 48:13
  the right decision, because you didn't have that previously, is it that, that gave you the confirmation
• 48:20
  and the confidence? I guess it's my experience, you know, like I've been around, I've known them all,
• 48:25
  I've, I've met them, their cousins and their brothers, and I'm looking at them like, I see you,
• 48:31
  and when I saw Pablo, it was so, so pure, like he was just this sweet, you know, he's a grown man,
• 48:37
  he's grown, grown, but, but when you look at him, you could tell like he had so much
• 48:45
  love for life, he had this wonder that, that you see in the eyes of a boy that, like nobody
• 48:51
  shut that light, and I wanted to be around a person that was positive, and like I said, when we went
• 48:56
  to Australia, and then being with him, he's just so easy going, like for example, I'd wig out
• 49:01
  about something, especially in the early parts, because I was really like easily stressed out,
• 49:05
  and he would just be like, baby, like life is long, you don't have to worry about, and he taught me
• 49:10
  that, that line, life is long. I would always hear forever, life is short, you gotta do it,
• 49:14
  get it, get it, get it, and then I was like, I don't need to get it, there's like no pressure of
• 49:19
  you're in your thirties, in your forties, in your fifties, did you just live in the now, and he's
• 49:24
  like Mr. Livin' the now, and he'd always have faith, like he'd say to me, things will work
• 49:29
  itself out, he just told me that this morning, relax baby, things will work itself out, and then I
• 49:34
  know like I just look at his face, babe, and I just know it is, it is gold, like it's the gospel,
• 49:41
  when he looks at me, I just know, yep, and no one in the world, I do not know anyone in the world
• 49:47
  that has said that to me, and I feel it in my heart, just calm down, you know, I just know.
• 49:53
  When you think about having children after your kids are quite old, I'm like, this conversation
• 50:01
  is solely for my selfish purpose, because on the one hand, I'm like I'm never having more children,
• 50:05
  right? That's what I said, babe, that's what I said, I was like not, I'm just gonna live in
• 50:10
  Europe, and I'm just like you guys grow up, and I'm just gonna continue where I left off, you know?
• 50:16
  And it's funny because I always said I was gonna have twins, always, always, always, always,
• 50:20
  in my family we have twins in every generation, so I was like, yeah man, I'm gonna have twins,
• 50:25
  and then like I've dreamt that I would have twins again, and so I was like boys, like who?
• 50:32
  But I think also I don't want to think I have trust issues, because I'd like to think that I
• 50:38
  am open to seeing people who they are, and you know giving room for benefit of the adult, but
• 50:44
  I'd be lying if I didn't say that my past experiences, not jaded, maybe jaded is a bit heavy,
• 50:51
  but we're gonna go with jaded. No babe, it just got smarter. That's what I say. That's what I say,
• 50:56
  like you just got smarter, it's like you bit the apple, and now you eat the whole apple, you're like,
• 51:02
  let me give you the next fruit, like you know it now, you know, it's kind of like when we didn't
• 51:07
  have any boyfriends, when we were young, and my first boyfriend with all he was, and then looking back
• 51:12
  now, like I'm almost 50, I'm thinking about that guy, and like my mom was right,
• 51:20
  but I'm grateful to him, because he allowed me to understand the definition of
• 51:27
  I know now, like you know that basket, that basket is full babe, we have like a storage unit,
• 51:35
  a lot of people on the internet, that's like a lot of baskets, and I used to say to my kids when
• 51:41
  they were little, there's a lot of guys in the bad boy club, and we need more guys in the good
• 51:47
  in the good guy section, you know, so that's why I'm spending that time, and I tell them,
• 51:53
  I am spending this time that it could be doing other things, you see all the moms boozing,
• 51:57
  you see all the moms just being selfish thinking about themselves, and you do you, but me,
• 52:03
  if I'm going to do something, and if I'm going to do this motherhood, it's going to be the
• 52:09
  most serious job of my life, and I try, I try, every day I try. What do you think is the biggest lie
• 52:16
  about motherhood and balance? And you may not not agree, and that's fine. I guess a lot of times
• 52:22
  where I'm hearing people speak about motherhood, it's a lot of, oh I need self-care, or I need
• 52:27
  me time, and don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting that anybody should drive themselves into
• 52:33
  like extreme mental state for anyone, right, and I appreciate that you can't pour from a cup
• 52:39
  that is empty, I get all of that, but I do think that modern day like rhetoric around motherhood
• 52:45
  is very self-centered around the mother in a way that confuses me, because I believe that when
• 52:52
  you choose to have the child, and I'm very pro-choice, but when you choose to have the child, you have
• 52:57
  made a decision that you are no longer the number one spot, right, and your time will come again
• 53:02
  in my opinion, but for now the priority has to be the little people, and so I guess in my mind
• 53:09
  this constant talk about balance, I say to people, you know, you can have everything but not
• 53:15
  at the same time, right? I've always said that, I believe in that completely. And a lot of people
• 53:21
  will say, oh well, people say that I'm a stay-at-home mom, I'm like, what are you talking about?
• 53:25
  So the way you feed your children, it's good for you because you're a stay-at-home with who?
• 53:29
  Technically yes, I stay at home in the daytime, but you know, I'm working until two to four in the
• 53:34
  morning when they've gone to bed, right, trying to make sure that you can continue with this life,
• 53:41
  so I think sometimes we have this conversation around mothering in a way that is just false.
• 53:48
  I feel coming from, I say this to everyone, you know, they're like, wow, you have four kids,
• 53:54
  I not only have four kids, and I don't say this, I guess I say it with pride, but that's like
• 54:01
  a small percentage of it. I say it more like I survive the war, babe. I think I survive the war,
• 54:06
  and it's like so long motherhood, having a husband, you know, going through divorce, going through
• 54:14
  a custody battle, marrying again, raising the kids, like imagine the dynamic is doing things on
• 54:20
  your own, people say, first I have like, I just have like things that I'm going to ramble about,
• 54:24
  number one, this misconception about single parenting, you're like, oh, it's so difficult,
• 54:28
  it's actually easier, would you like, to know why, because there's nobody to fight with,
• 54:33
  there's nobody to be like, oh, did you get the blah, blah, blah, no, because you got it,
• 54:36
  there's nobody that's going to help you, so you actually adapt and you're able to carry those
• 54:41
  forebugs and groceries and the two twins that you thought you couldn't, because you just do it,
• 54:46
  and sometimes people say, you got to think of yourself first, I would like to just kind of
• 54:53
  rephrase it as, like I said a while ago, you can't give what you don't have, and if you're a
• 54:58
  burned out mom, that's when moms end up being super moody with their kids, hitting their kids,
• 55:05
  drinking or like kind of participating in this motherhood that's making the child feel like
• 55:11
  they're unburdened, and you got to strike, I wouldn't say that balance, you have to strike
• 55:17
  that awareness, so for example, what I do, my husband will travel a lot, he'll travel for fun,
• 55:23
  for leisure, for work, and I never feel resentful, because for me it's like, great, there's going to be
• 55:30
  less people in the house, it's going to be easier to kind of maneuver the children, because there's
• 55:35
  only one kind to listen to, and what I do is when all the kids are sleeping, I look at the news,
• 55:42
  although I'm trying to like not look at something that's happening, so I look at the news, or I look
• 55:47
  at something about psychology, or I read something about, well, something that I like, so I feel,
• 55:53
  I don't feel lost, because a lot of mothers are like this, like a lot of moms, for example,
• 56:00
  relationships or marriages will end, and then if you ask them, this is just from the top of my
• 56:05
  head, from things that I know firsthand relating to friends, why did you guys break up, the husband
• 56:10
  cheated, and I don't know cheating, obviously, but a lot of times, you know, I was watching yesterday,
• 56:17
  this documentary of Sean Combs, and one of the guys being interviewed was saying, for you to clap,
• 56:23
  it takes two hands, you can clap with one hand, so there's always some contribution we make,
• 56:28
  whether we want to say it or not, and so a lot of moms tend to kind of forget themselves,
• 56:33
  and they lose themselves in motherhood, and I grew up in a family where the women are always
• 56:38
  beautiful and fixed, and they dress well for themselves, and so I grew up around a very
• 56:43
  matriarchal family, we treat our men like kings, but we took care of ourselves, and that mom of my
• 56:51
  mom, my mom passed it to me, just by example, and so giving yourself a bit of attention makes you
• 56:59
  feel like you're doing something for yourself, so as a wife, you relate with your husband in a way,
• 57:07
  as a woman, and as a wife, and you are not only mom, I feel like a lot of women get lost in
• 57:12
  motherhood that they forget, oh yeah, like I'm a woman too, I'm a sexual person too, but also,
• 57:19
  he met you a particular way, your husband would meet you and fall in love with you in a particular
• 57:25
  way, and you can't fall in love with a moody woman, but people don't like to talk about that,
• 57:30
  you won't fall in love with a woman, that's how wearing something sexy, if baggy joggers are
• 57:36
  your vibe, and your husband likes that, good on you, if sexy, yes, your thing good on you, but
• 57:42
  you cannot tell me that your marriage ended because of your husband, there is neglect from both sides,
• 57:47
  and the willingness and being present has faded and faded and faded, and that then happened
• 57:52
  overnight, and so one of the things that I feel I can speak personally about with all my experiences
• 57:59
  and with my marriage is you have, it's not even about date night, sure we have date night,
• 58:05
  and but it's not that, it's about here's a moment that I'm going to give you, it doesn't feel
• 58:10
  rehearsed, it doesn't feel fake, sometimes even just like my husband and I have morning coffee
• 58:15
  everyday, before the kids wake up, we're downstairs, he wakes up first all the time because he's an
• 58:21
  early riser, and then I have to drag myself downstairs and have my three cups of coffee before I'm
• 58:25
  able to speak, but having that time together, my time would be, you know, like looking at something,
• 58:33
  let's say reading something, I look at my, I have like these, these kind of like affirmation cards,
• 58:39
  I look at that in the morning, I look at one card, even when you do something for yourself for five
• 58:43
  minutes, like I like to do, let's say my makeup, even if I do it quickly, you know, today I fixed
• 58:49
  my hair, I'd never have the time, but you know what, when I'm dressed today, when I came down,
• 58:54
  every one mother in law was at home and she visited us and she was like, wow, you look good,
• 58:57
  man, I was like, wow, you look good, and then myself, I was like, oh mommy, you look good,
• 59:01
  and I said to myself, yeah dude, this is how I look like, pre kids, right, I used to have the time,
• 59:08
  and then how do I feel dressed up like, like how I normally, I feel good, and so when you feel
• 59:14
  good, I would put it that way more, I suppose, when you give yourself that little extra time,
• 59:18
  and you feel that extra oomph, you just feel a little sexier, you feel a little bit more yourself,
• 59:23
  when you feel happier, you feel like you're more in your skin, and so what happens, it becomes a
• 59:28
  ripple and domino effect of you are giving the people in your life a better version of you,
• 59:35
  as opposed to the one that didn't wash her face, brush her teeth, put her older man,
• 59:39
  you become this daggy person that allows yourself to sit in this plateau of no inspiration,
• 59:48
  and I want, you know, that, like for example, I did my lashes yesterday, I did that for myself,
• 59:54
  because I want, when I look in the mirror, I don't feel like, dang, you forgot yourself,
• 59:58
  all like, what happened to you? I mean, as I'm getting older, I become more conscious of,
• 1:00:03
  I don't want to look daggy, I want to look good, and I love my husband, and I know from past
• 1:00:08
  mistakes or past misjudgment that in order for me to have the best relationship, I have to give
• 1:00:15
  my husband the best version of me, I want him to fall in love with the best version of me,
• 1:00:20
  and I will fall in love with myself, because it's like me, I'm showing up for you today as a friend,
• 1:00:24
  and I want to, you know, be here for you with the podcast, and we're developing a friendship
• 1:00:29
  and we're sharing these messages that we're sharing today, it makes me feel good that I'm doing
• 1:00:35
  that for us, that we're doing something that is beyond our kids, and I tell everyone, you are a
• 1:00:40
  mother, but before you are a mother, April, you are you, you are a daughter, like the flow chart is
• 1:00:46
  you, and the flow chart doesn't go down, you are the center, and all of those branches, like spider
• 1:00:53
  arms, are reaching out to the parts that you are as well, but first and foremost, you are April,
• 1:01:00
  BAB, you know what I mean, that is you, and me I'm Paz, and I happen to have a husband,
• 1:01:06
  and I happen to have my kids, I happen to have the businesses I have, but that does not define me,
• 1:01:12
  what defines me is when I look in the mirror, who am I, and I know the answer to that, after
• 1:01:19
  almost 50 years, I finally know the answer, and I'm just me, I'm a person that still wants to have fun,
• 1:01:26
  I feel like I never really grew up, I'm like age-old me, 27 year old me, I'm stuck in those two,
• 1:01:33
  because I feel like that was the age when I was really like yeah, I was really like doing
• 1:01:37
  everything I wanted to do, and don't let anybody tell you, and all the single moms, don't let anybody
• 1:01:44
  tell you that you do your stuff later, okay, like sure, of course when the kids are little,
• 1:01:51
  of course we can't go to Paris together and do our thing, we can do that later, but when they're
• 1:01:55
  young, trust me, you're gonna miss these moments, and when they're older, like my son who's in
• 1:02:01
  Melbourne 21, and we still write each other, you just message me this morning, I remember him when
• 1:02:06
  he was little, and I'm so happy, baby, I was with him every literal step of the way, from birth
• 1:02:13
  to toilet training, to first heart day, to sending him off to Melbourne to go to uni, and I can
• 1:02:18
  really say like nobody can bottle up that feeling, and you can never go back in time, and I feel so
• 1:02:23
  good, that's like I did it, not me, I did it, I gave him the life he deserved, regardless that
• 1:02:31
  I am not with his father, regardless that he had a difficult time, probably a couple of years
• 1:02:36
  in a set, because he was having like identity issues, and what's gonna happen to me, I don't have
• 1:02:41
  a father, no, for him is like he's good, and Tony, like she's doing her own thing, building
• 1:02:46
  her company here in Thailand, and it's like no matter what difficulty she goes through, the confidence
• 1:02:52
  and self love they have, is far greater that you send them off in the world, and then you know
• 1:02:57
  I did it, is that what you focused on, so in terms of speaking about identity and the dads, it's
• 1:03:03
  something I'm concerned about, from the perspective of I have a very good relationship with my dad,
• 1:03:09
  and so I know what that bond means, and when you speak about your dad, it really resonates with
• 1:03:14
  me, right, and we know that you know there are different relationships with dads and daughters,
• 1:03:19
  there's different relationship with dads and sons, everyone has roles to play, and it's funny,
• 1:03:23
  because a lot of people think that I'm like advocating for single motherhood, and I'm not
• 1:03:28
  no, nobody wants that, at all, nobody rest up, and says yeah I'm gonna be a single mom today,
• 1:03:32
  right, in the same way that you know I think vaginal birth is the best birth, but I had to have
• 1:03:37
  an emergency CC section, you know, you deal with the hand that you're dealt, and I feel the same
• 1:03:42
  way, I believe in a two parent household, I believe what that can do for a child, and that's ideal,
• 1:03:47
  isn't it? 100%, and so I do worry is not the word, but it's something that I think I will have to
• 1:03:54
  deal with a bit more as they grow up, because you know they're still four, but I'm not sure,
• 1:04:00
  like my children never ask for their dad, right, they've never asked, and I think that that is
• 1:04:06
  indicative. And they're five now, right? So they'll be five next year, in a couple of months,
• 1:04:10
  right, and they've never asked, my daughter said something the other day that I thought was super
• 1:04:15
  interesting, and I kind of dealt with it like a dementia patient in the sense that you don't correct
• 1:04:20
  them, because I didn't feel it was necessary, but she said, so she asked to see a picture of her when
• 1:04:26
  she was a baby, and she saw a video of my dad holding her, so she's explaining to me that my dad
• 1:04:33
  is my dad and my sister's dad, yes, and she then says, but he was my dad when I was a baby,
• 1:04:40
  right? And so I said, okay, I said, why do you say that? And she said, oh, because he was holding
• 1:04:45
  me when I was a baby, and I said, okay, cool, and I didn't correct her, because I just didn't feel
• 1:04:50
  that, one, I didn't have the answer, I didn't know for the follow-up questions, and my children
• 1:04:54
  talked, right? So I wasn't prepared for the follow-up if I did correct her, but also I didn't see
• 1:05:00
  any harm in what she was saying to her, but obviously as she gets older, she's going to understand that
• 1:05:07
  granddad doesn't become granddad just because you're older, right? And I'm not really sure, I haven't
• 1:05:13
  figured it out yet, because not to say that if your children are difficult, it's okay for you to
• 1:05:19
  walk out and leave them, but my children are really, really good, and so the idea that you would
• 1:05:25
  leave my lovely little angels. First of all, my brain, it's nearly been a year for any contact,
• 1:05:32
  and I know I should be over it by now, but my brain just doesn't really understand, and from their
• 1:05:36
  perspective, I'm just like, how do I make sure that I cushion that? In my mind, there's two of them,
• 1:05:43
  so hopefully that helps, that they can kind of go through it together, and it's not isolating.
• 1:05:49
  But I don't know how, and I just wondered when you were creating a beautiful blended family,
• 1:05:55
  but particularly for those years where you were by yourself, what would you say to someone like
• 1:06:00
  me who is thinking, how do we best prepare our children? And this is the funny thing, you know,
• 1:06:05
  like when I, like I was saying a while ago, when people say to me, oh, you have four children,
• 1:06:09
  I not only have four children, and I know I'm going to cry soon, because I always tell everybody,
• 1:06:15
  I am the strongest woman in any situation in my life, but when it comes to my kids, they're my
• 1:06:21
  kryptonite, and I say to everyone, I don't only have four kids, I not only have these four
• 1:06:27
  amazing humans, I went through parents, and now if you think about it babe, for almost 26 years,
• 1:06:33
  that's quarter of a century of understanding four people at four different times of life, and
• 1:06:41
  I've seen one go through birth to 25, like Paula Dalton, I've seen one go until the age of 21,
• 1:06:49
  I see Balthazar who's 10, and Atticus is five, and I promise you, even the twins, you'll say yes
• 1:06:55
  to this, like they are not even the same, no, each has their own personality, and it's kind of like,
• 1:07:05
  Amari cried to me, and they laugh at this story, he cried to me when he was about three,
• 1:07:10
  he was crying in the corner in our apartment, and he said, and I said to him, why are you crying?
• 1:07:15
  Come here baby, I go what's wrong, and we never really spoke about his father because he was so young,
• 1:07:21
  and Tony didn't really feel like, okay, like it's no big deal, so he went up to me and he said,
• 1:07:27
  I don't have a daddy, I said, who told you that? And then he goes, I just know, did somebody tell
• 1:07:34
  you something in school? He goes, no, did somebody say something to you? He goes, no, because my family
• 1:07:39
  is so cool, they don't talk about that, they don't even ask me, where is Tony's father, no,
• 1:07:45
  because for them it's like, we are enough, this is enough, one is enough, and my dad,
• 1:07:51
  he's like the best dad ever, and my kids say to me now in their 20s, and I'm saying this to you
• 1:07:57
  because you were asking, how it would be like, probably, it's like I'm speaking to you from the
• 1:08:01
  future, you can look at it that way, and they said to me when my father passed away that, you know,
• 1:08:09
  we feel like we lost our dad too, because Lolo is Filipino for, they call their grandfather Lolo
• 1:08:15
  or Papito, and they go, you know, Papito was really like our dad, they considered their grandfather,
• 1:08:21
  their dad before public came into the picture, because he fully took on that responsibility,
• 1:08:26
  like meaning the male presence, right? And so, going back to what I said about one is enough,
• 1:08:35
  you're more than enough babe, I say to somebody, imagine if your husband died, you would be the only
• 1:08:41
  parent, not by choice, by circumstance, right? And so, if, for example, you are solo parenting,
• 1:08:49
  because of that circumstance, then the kids would just have to get used to you, and so I feel like
• 1:08:56
  that saying love is enough, but if you just love them, that's enough, and you won't know what to do
• 1:09:01
  every day, there would be days like, you're going to lose your temper, there's going to be days,
• 1:09:05
  you're going to be moody, there's going to be days you're not going to say the right thing,
• 1:09:08
  and moms all over the world have to understand that's okay, for as long as you don't tell your child
• 1:09:13
  something directly to them that you are this, you are that, that is going to break a child,
• 1:09:17
  that I do not agree, like if you say for example, you're being difficult, or oh you're so annoying,
• 1:09:24
  because it happens to every parent, that's fine, I'm talking about the heaviest thing, right?
• 1:09:28
  Like, you know, there's a spectrum, yeah, there's a spectrum of what we can say, but,
• 1:09:32
  but my point is, just go through it day by day, and if you love your kids, they feel that,
• 1:09:38
  and you notice you were saying they don't ask for their father, it's because there's no need,
• 1:09:42
  it's like when you're when you're not thirsty, you don't ask for water, when you're not hungry,
• 1:09:47
  you don't ask for food, you're good, you know, like I'm good, so I feel like my kids only ask for
• 1:09:53
  a sibling, because they were like, hey, it would be fun to have a sister, well it's just too
• 1:09:56
  up, let's just make it more, and I guess it's because the dynamic was good, like we had a good set
• 1:10:03
  of the three of us, like yeah, like, it's like, it's like you have clothing or cars, and I'm sorry
• 1:10:07
  to compare it to the three, but you're like, if you can afford to do it, you want to get one more,
• 1:10:12
  like you have a cute little puppy, you want one more, so I think for them it will say that like,
• 1:10:17
  things are good, like add to the mix, you know, and so that's how you know that,
• 1:10:23
  I know that you're doing a good job, because the fact that they're good, you're raising them well,
• 1:10:29
  that's what it means, like those are the invisible things in the background that people
• 1:10:33
  don't really talk about, or don't see that when they say to me, oh you know your kids are so good,
• 1:10:38
  it's because I take the time, and I've been told before by certain people that, oh you know,
• 1:10:43
  you talk to them too, and you explain too much, and I'm like, but I have to, because they're boys,
• 1:10:47
  and I am raising a future boyfriend, I'm raising a future husband, I'm raising a future father,
• 1:10:53
  so if I don't explain stuff like, why you have to open the door for a woman, or why you have to
• 1:10:57
  leave toilet seat down, or why you don't ban doors, because it's not that fragile, but you,
• 1:11:02
  you know, you kind of like approach a woman differently, I want them to have that vibe and
• 1:11:07
  understand like, you know, we are the queens of the world, you are the kings, and so we must act
• 1:11:12
  accordingly with each other, like you're not going to be like, you know, like don't act
• 1:11:16
  get on me, don't, you know, like I'm not spending all this time, I always tell my kids,
• 1:11:21
  I could do a lot of other things and say if I didn't have children, I'm not saying this against you,
• 1:11:26
  I'm just saying it's a fact, I could be doing more, making more money, traveling without worry,
• 1:11:32
  that's just thinking by the moment, but my whole life is scheduled, it's Google Calendar
• 1:11:36
  around you, so behave, make it worth all of that effort, because when you're talking to me
• 1:11:43
  in a disrespectful way, when you're answering back, which they don't really, that's going to
• 1:11:46
  happen like once in a moment, mostly the five-year-old, two-year-old, but when they're acting sassy,
• 1:11:53
  and my husband's like, oh, you know, like Paz, like keeps them in check immediately,
• 1:11:56
  one percent off the radar, or like the, the, the compass, actually get back,
• 1:12:03
  you know, their boys, and even my oldest one who's trans now, I always tell her at the end of the day,
• 1:12:09
  you will always be the big brother of all of your siblings, you can call yourself big sister,
• 1:12:14
  but at the end of the day, the job is you are the protector, you are the example, you are the one
• 1:12:19
  that's going to show them how it's supposed to be done, so even she had 25 when she's a little bit
• 1:12:24
  like kind of like forgetting the program, I'm going to remind her and say, hey babe,
• 1:12:29
  remember, you and I are the loved ones man in this ship, and she lives in Thailand,
• 1:12:33
  yeah, she's just like there for work, she goes back and forth, but she's based in Bali, okay,
• 1:12:37
  but a lot of kids, especially the Western kids, they answer the parents' bath like it's a normal
• 1:12:42
  Saturday, okay, and I explain to my kids, you guys for a mix, you might have like
• 1:12:47
  Western and Caucasian in you, but you are Filipino, and at the end of the day,
• 1:12:52
  Filipino kids will always respect their elders, you are never going to talk back to your parents,
• 1:12:57
  you're going to be good to the people around you, you don't forget your manners,
• 1:13:00
  yeah, you don't forget where you're from, and when I say where you're from, you're from the home,
• 1:13:04
  and in the home, we set the plates for everybody, but you do not eat before the other,
• 1:13:09
  we give thanks for what we have, so it's like I'm reminding them these values that
• 1:13:13
  maybe predominantly Asian, but it's just more sensitive. I can relate, call it Asian Jamaican,
• 1:13:20
  because we're the same, yeah, Caribbean vibes are the same, you know, and a lot of,
• 1:13:25
  a lot of like African households are the same, we respect their grandma, and you know,
• 1:13:29
  it's really, you know, it's actually a, it's very important that we share this with the kids,
• 1:13:35
  and it's very important that before you sleep at night, tonight, before you sleep,
• 1:13:40
  that you remember, you're doing a great job regardless, because you're waking up every day,
• 1:13:45
  and you're doing it, whatever it may be, you know, he's not there, but you are, so I always tell
• 1:13:51
  me, I have no regrets, because I count the positives, he's not there, I'm here, and then so when
• 1:13:55
  Amaria was crying, he was, I don't have a father, I said to me, Amaria, what are you talking about?
• 1:13:59
  I'm your mother-father, I'm your mother-father, so now it's like our joke, like I'm the mother-father,
• 1:14:05
  like, you just need one, you don't need him, like, he made a decision to abandon us, and that's,
• 1:14:11
  that's a fact, all good, all good meaning is not okay, but it is what it is, and it's done,
• 1:14:17
  my sister's teaching me is what it is, you know what I mean? You have to teach, you don't want
• 1:14:22
  the girls to be hard, but you just want to be the example, like, I'm going to go through this
• 1:14:26
  in a dignified way, I don't talk crap about the father of Amaria, because I am aware that if I do,
• 1:14:32
  it will reflect on him, and he's going to think, oh, because I'm part of that, so I'm not good enough,
• 1:14:38
  I will not allow that, so because of this sheer love that I have for my kids, if only for that,
• 1:14:44
  it's not in my character, and I also don't want to bring that out, because I feel always why,
• 1:14:52
  it's always about the why for me, what is the purpose, and if it brings something down, if it
• 1:14:57
  kills the vibe, if it's going to make somebody, if it's detrimental rather than helpful,
• 1:15:03
  sure, let it go, yeah, it's not important, not important.
• 1:15:07
  Can I ask, when Tony came to you and said that was her name Tony before?
• 1:15:15
  Actually, her real name is Antonio, because that's my favorite name, I wanted to call her
• 1:15:20
  Tonito, as my favorite Spanish name, I find it super sexy, and I'm excited to hear what you're
• 1:15:27
  going to say, because I get asked this all the time. So, first of all, I want to know, when Tony
• 1:15:32
  says to you, I want to now be Gower's Tony, first of all, how old is she, and secondly, how it sounds,
• 1:15:39
  like communication has been a part of your relationship from the beginning, so I imagine that
• 1:15:45
  she felt quite open and comfortable, but I don't know, just because she's open and comfortable,
• 1:15:50
  it's not necessarily a conversation you expected to have, and so I just wanted to know from a
• 1:15:54
  mother's perspective, what were your emotions, what were your feelings. Everybody asked me this
• 1:16:00
  question about Tony coming out, and Tony deciding to be trans, or being trans, and I feel like I
• 1:16:07
  actually, I wouldn't say the word enjoy, but I'm welcome to it, I'm open to the discussion,
• 1:16:14
  because I feel like I'm not speaking for her per se, but I'm explaining something that to this
• 1:16:20
  day baffles a lot of people, and to answer your question about how did I feel, or how did I let
• 1:16:27
  go about it, the way I go about motherhood in general is I take it day by day, so for example,
• 1:16:33
  if my child says to me, mom, I'm trans, or I want to be trans, I take it in the same level, believe
• 1:16:40
  it or not, mom, I want to have a bulba, I want to go to see grandma, because for me there is nothing
• 1:16:49
  better or worse that my child said it's my child's feeling, so Tony came out to me when she was
• 1:16:56
  about 13, and she said to me that she already knew at around 11-12 that she's probably gay,
• 1:17:03
  okay, and you can imagine, in my household I'm speaking about the baffles,
• 1:17:08
  we, it's not that we talk about it all the time, it's a very open conversation, there's nothing
• 1:17:12
  in our house that is ever taboo, nothing, if you hear the conversations we've had, you're going to
• 1:17:17
  be like, wow, that's good, nothing is off the table, but I mean if my husband and our speaking,
• 1:17:23
  and there are things that we don't want to kind of taint the innocence of the younger ones,
• 1:17:26
  we're speaking cold, because we feel like we want to give them the opportunity to maintain
• 1:17:31
  their innocence in their own time, but when it comes to Tony being gay and being trans, it is a very
• 1:17:37
  open conversation in our house that even our five-year-old is aware of, and they're probably
• 1:17:42
  have their own way of like understanding it, and we're not explaining it to them unless they ask,
• 1:17:48
  but she came out to me on the 13th, and I remember I do this thing, babe, that I strongly recommend,
• 1:17:55
  the day before any of my children's birthday, I always have one and one with that.
• 1:17:59
  Ooh, I like this. Every month I have one and one with my kid, whether it fits like lunch,
• 1:18:04
  or if I'm going to have like a drink with them when they're older, but we spend time together,
• 1:18:08
  even just because we go across in like the neighborhood cafe, and we just spend time with just
• 1:18:11
  like, what's up, what's up with you, what's going on with the house, everything, and then so this
• 1:18:17
  was October 26th when Tony was 13, because her birthday is the 27th and we were in this restaurant
• 1:18:23
  in Oberoi, because before that, those were the only restaurants, and then she was like, mom,
• 1:18:29
  I have something to tell you, and then I go, yes, what is it? And you know, like no expectation,
• 1:18:33
  because for me, when my child tells me, mom, I have something to tell, I'm prepared for anything.
• 1:18:37
  It could be anything. I'm prepared like there's somebody in the backyard, all right, it could be
• 1:18:40
  anything. And then so I'm just like, you know, I'll take it, they might, let's see how it goes,
• 1:18:45
  how I feel as well that day, if I'm going to be like, whatever. But then she was like, mom,
• 1:18:50
  I think I'm gay. Okay. So I said, you think or you know, and then she was like, I think,
• 1:18:57
  okay, how about like this? I said, when you're sure, give back to me. And then let's talk about it,
• 1:19:03
  and yeah, but whatever you feel, whatever you think, you are beautiful to me, you are. And so that
• 1:19:11
  was a conversation. The next year we do the dinner again. And then she's like, mom, I'm sure,
• 1:19:16
  the first line was I'm sure. Okay. And I said, then congrats your fucking wishes. Today is really
• 1:19:22
  our birthday, not tomorrow. Today is the day you are born. And then she was probably looking at me
• 1:19:28
  like, oh, okay, that was easy. And it's like, I don't understand. Like honestly, my brain can't
• 1:19:31
  understand. Sure. Like for example, I always tell, I had this conversation with my husband.
• 1:19:38
  It was just random. We were talking about something else. Something we watched on Netflix or
• 1:19:42
  something. And I said, you know, Pablo, it's so easy. If a man doesn't want to be with a woman,
• 1:19:47
  he doesn't need to cheat. All he needs to say, if she's a sensible woman, he's not going to go
• 1:19:51
  card to be on you. It's just, I don't want to be with you anymore. I've decided that I don't
• 1:19:56
  love you or I can't be in this relationship. Sure. Fine. Say it. And then it's done. And you go do
• 1:20:02
  whatever you want the hour later, we're never going to fight. But I feel like communication is
• 1:20:07
  so important and stating you and stating how you feel. Why do you think people find it so hard
• 1:20:13
  to sit? Because I don't find it hard. And so, I mean, girls don't find it hard. I find it. We're
• 1:20:18
  just like raised to just be opinions share feelings. And I feel like it's again society. It boils
• 1:20:26
  down to society. Like what people expect was supposed to be good. What is the demarcation of
• 1:20:32
  good, right? And I know people like, I know somebody that has three families. He provides for the
• 1:20:40
  three families. There's an understanding of the three families. He gives a schedule to each
• 1:20:44
  of the wives. Sure. And for some people, they're going to look at it like that. It's insane. But
• 1:20:48
  for them, it works. And the wives knew before. Yeah, they knew of the beginning of the other one.
• 1:20:56
  But my point is, I feel like the more people suppress, and I'm not saying you have no morals,
• 1:21:02
  I believe in a moral cult. But at the same time, I feel like you have to be true to yourself.
• 1:21:09
  And I feel like so many relationships, whether it's personal or work or friendships,
• 1:21:14
  they break apart because you're keeping so much, you're repressing so much. And I'm like,
• 1:21:18
  just talk about it now. It's done. Like if my husband and I have something that we're feeling,
• 1:21:22
  even 1% I tell him spit it out. But is it say it? Because once you say it, it's done. And so for
• 1:21:29
  Tony, that was the conversation. And then I would feel like some people would be like, oh, you know,
• 1:21:34
  like Tony's gay. And I'm like, yeah. And I think they were waiting for me to kind of introduce it,
• 1:21:40
  affirm it, and announce it. And I'm like, I'm not going to do that. And the number one thing you
• 1:21:44
  have to understand, I'm super protective of my kids. Sure. So I'm not even going to waste my breath
• 1:21:48
  and fight with you because obviously if you don't have that level of understanding, I don't even
• 1:21:53
  need to explain. But what is there to talk about? Because if she was heterosexual, you wouldn't
• 1:21:57
  announce that she was heterosexual. So for example, Tony would like, you know, come to me for
• 1:22:03
  love advice, tell me about her adventures and everything. And then one day I remember, I think,
• 1:22:08
  Tony was about 20. And she started wearing extensions for the nails. It was so beautiful,
• 1:22:17
  because she's super beautiful. She's so good at selling it. She started growing her hair at
• 1:22:22
  like 18, 19. But she wouldn't wear any makeup. No lashes, nothing. So I started with the nails,
• 1:22:28
  eventually the lashes and then the makeup. And you know, Tony gets two reactions from the world.
• 1:22:33
  Okay. People would say, oh my god, she's so beautiful because they know, obviously she wasn't born
• 1:22:39
  a girl and she looks like a girl. She wants to be a girl. Leave her alone. And I feel like the
• 1:22:45
  people that have this anger and this need to like correct it or this, this, I even have people
• 1:22:51
  that blame me and find fault in me that you did this. And it's like, if I did, then great.
• 1:22:57
  Because I'm, I'm allowing what I mean, not a lot. I don't want to use that word. I'm,
• 1:23:01
  I'm having one person be herself. Sure. That is amazing. Because even if you're heterosexual and
• 1:23:07
  you let's say you don't want to have kids, you don't want to get married and you just want to
• 1:23:11
  date or you want to have like relationships that that maybe mean something to you for a week.
• 1:23:16
  That's you. Yeah. Nobody has a right to tell you because you're not hurt. I told my kid,
• 1:23:20
  the thing I will not be proud of you is if I know you're hurting someone, you're cheating someone,
• 1:23:26
  you're not good to somebody that you're dealing with, whether it's friendship or business,
• 1:23:29
  that's the thing I'm really mad at you because that is not right. Yeah. And my job till the day I
• 1:23:33
  die, till the afterlife is to make sure that I am raising kids that are good because your job
• 1:23:39
  is to be a good person because there's, you know, like that's the energy that we have to
• 1:23:43
  breathe and correct in this role I feel. And so the other side of that would be people saying,
• 1:23:51
  oh, you know, things that they don't say out loud and somethings they do. She's a freak,
• 1:23:55
  she's a man, she's tranny. And just calling her names and for me, I don't even get offended.
• 1:24:01
  Because for me, I know I feel bad for you, bro. Because this human being, and you know,
• 1:24:06
  people said to me, oh, how is it like in Bali? And I'm like, with what? The weather,
• 1:24:11
  the construction, oh, you mean Tony, my trans kid who's welcomed and loved by the
• 1:24:15
  Balinese and the Indians in a highly, you know, like Muslim state, right? Muslim Hindus,
• 1:24:23
  Catholic Christians, that's not a matter. Like I said, it's one God. The people in Bali are so
• 1:24:27
  magical. Even in Jakarta, even in Thailand, she's there, of course, Thailand is super cool. They treat
• 1:24:33
  her like a queen in Thailand. But I have friends, like guy friends of mine that literally
• 1:24:39
  open the door for her. I have people that I have seen fall in love with her. But then they don't
• 1:24:45
  know how to deal with it because it's a vague thing. It's a vague thing. They don't know how to
• 1:24:50
  accept that part about them that they really are attracted to. That's really what they want.
• 1:24:54
  Right. And that's another episode. Yeah. But for me, it's like, when it comes to my child,
• 1:25:00
  I don't look at Tony as a boy or as a girl. Of course, I know I gave birth to the child. I know
• 1:25:05
  the child was born a boy. But I really know because I know her how she acts, how she thinks.
• 1:25:12
  God made a mistake. And they say, God, this is make mistakes. I think that God is
• 1:25:18
  capable of communicating with us in other ways. And the communication here as Tony is who she is.
• 1:25:26
  Did you know before? No, because I said, like, I don't look at make mistakes. My only
• 1:25:33
  thing is if people ask me, was she walking in like a feminine way? No. I think that's ridiculous.
• 1:25:39
  No, somebody has asked me that. Literally. And they have asked me and they have asked people close
• 1:25:47
  to me. And the thing that I love the most is so when my dad was already diagnosed with lung cancer
• 1:25:52
  and brain cancer, he had necrosis. So half of his face, half of his body was completely dying.
• 1:25:59
  So he would speak like this and you have to learn his face was literally like melting.
• 1:26:05
  And before that happened, the first thing that he went through was he lost his hearing on one
• 1:26:12
  year. So he was really having a hard time hearing. So the day Tony came out, I'm calling my
• 1:26:15
  parents every day to check them out. Hey, Pa, I was like, you know, like one of the conversations.
• 1:26:19
  By the way, I was like, so Tony's chance. And then my dad was like, you know, doing his account
• 1:26:24
  thing and I was doing this thing. And I go, yeah, so Tony's trans, but trans. And my dad was like,
• 1:26:31
  I got you, baby, like, I heard you. And I'm like, Pa, listen to me. I was like, trying to,
• 1:26:37
  I guess I was trying because he was always like, not hard, but he was really like strong with
• 1:26:42
  me because he knew like how strong I was, what I'm capable with. He was always raising me like,
• 1:26:46
  better be good, better like you shouldn't tell you the right way. You're not a beauty queen.
• 1:26:50
  Like, he was like, I don't like you modeling. I like you putting a number here, like for
• 1:26:54
  Miss Philippines. No, absolutely not. So he was like, I heard you, but no, I'm trying to
• 1:27:00
  explain to you, okay, listen, stop working. Tony wants to be a girl. And my dad stopped working
• 1:27:05
  and looked up at the camera and said, baby, I may be deaf. I'm not stupid. I got you. My time,
• 1:27:11
  he always talks about it. In my time, there's already people that are trans. It's good. And then
• 1:27:16
  so I was like, yeah, but you know, like, she wants to have a vagina like that. And then my dad was
• 1:27:21
  like, I already, she was that time he got mad. Right. I got you the first time. I got you the first
• 1:27:27
  time. What do you think trans means? It's like he flipped it back. Okay. And then my mom was walking
• 1:27:31
  back and I go, my did you hear that? Yeah. My mom was like, so strict with me. And then gets my
• 1:27:37
  20 for converting the, you know, being Jewish and left the policies. I mean, it's like hello to
• 1:27:43
  Judaism, but doesn't get. So I'm like, you guys are unfair. And if you want us to get mad at Tony,
• 1:27:48
  absolutely not. But you're so strict with me. Yeah, but it's so unfair. They skip it. And they're
• 1:27:53
  like so good to the grandkids. But that's that's the journey. I, everyone's always telling me,
• 1:27:57
  how do you feel? It's not about me. I'm just her mother. My job is together the best life
• 1:28:02
  experience that I can. And that means providing a great education, providing a safe home,
• 1:28:07
  providing everything that the great things that I can give physically, emotionally, mentally,
• 1:28:12
  and the greatest thing I can give Tony is you don't need to explain anything to anyone. You don't
• 1:28:16
  need to say anything. Be you, but be good. Be a good person. What do you wish people asked you
• 1:28:23
  about life instead? It sounds like people ask things that for you are quite mundane or none,
• 1:28:29
  they're non topics, right? No, no, for me, they say no off topic. I, I, I, I, I welcome, I guess
• 1:28:34
  people are curious about my life as well, because they're like you move to Bali. They, at first,
• 1:28:39
  a lot of people just thought, Pablo and I have these four kids. Okay. And then somebody will bring
• 1:28:44
  something up and I will never tell somebody, oh yeah, we have this, this idyllic Bali life,
• 1:28:49
  we're like, you know, we're living like the super family life. No, it's like I like telling people
• 1:28:55
  that I struggled. I had challenges. I had a hard time in terms of learning what it's like
• 1:29:04
  to navigate solo motherhood and transitioning into being in a marriage or real marriage and
• 1:29:11
  raising kids, giving birth in Bali, doing business in Bali. I welcome it because I feel like
• 1:29:17
  nobody is above and beyond and below. I say to my team every day that when they're like,
• 1:29:22
  I said, I'm not your boss, you know, like I'm just here, just like with my kids, my job here is to
• 1:29:27
  guide you guys and with whatever knowledge I have, I share it, but they are teaching me so much
• 1:29:32
  about life, about work and I have so many moments where I go, ah, great, you know, and if you think
• 1:29:38
  you know it all, like it ends right there. And if you always have this thirst and hunger for,
• 1:29:43
  for knowing more and growing and I think that's the thing about me. I don't really have,
• 1:29:48
  I don't dwell on negativity. A lot of times I feel bad, a lot of times I'm gonna have thoughts
• 1:29:53
  that I'm gonna be like, I would never have self-doubt because I feel like when you open that up,
• 1:29:59
  you allow, for me, that is the real cancer in the body. That's the real cancer in life. When you
• 1:30:04
  allow the thought to creep in your mind that I can't do this, I'm not good enough, there's no way.
• 1:30:13
  So for me, my dad always taught me impossible and impossible only takes time and I would say that
• 1:30:20
  to make it. How much percent do you give and my kids would say 200 percent? Does everybody else
• 1:30:24
  give you a hundred, right? And I always tell them impossible is and they're like, it just takes time.
• 1:30:31
  It's just a matter of time. And it's all, it's all in your head. And I, and I, I've always been proud
• 1:30:38
  that whatever comes to me, I'll react, but my reactions as every decade goes, their reactions
• 1:30:48
  evolve. What did you have to kind of kill of your 20 year old self in order to be who you are now?
• 1:30:57
  Were there any, like, beliefs that I had to commit? Okay. Commitment is a big thing and I knew
• 1:31:03
  that I always believe that when something comes naturally inside of you, that that is a good sign.
• 1:31:09
  And Pablo and I were together technically for three months, but I knew in the first month,
• 1:31:16
  I want to be with this guy. And I did not feel that before with all my other relationships and
• 1:31:22
  I've had a lot of relationships. I feel like I've done enough practice to know that I'm sure about
• 1:31:27
  something. And I'm at the point in my life. So I was talking to you off camera while ago that
• 1:31:35
  I've been going through these headaches. And long story short, the doctor told me that
• 1:31:41
  I had mini stroke and I have blood clots in my brain. And so people can tell you, yeah,
• 1:31:48
  you're going to take medicine for the rest of your life. You're going to take aspirin,
• 1:31:51
  blood ins for the rest of your life. But the truth is I could die today.
• 1:31:56
  And some people would say, oh, that's so far fetched, you're being dramatic. I don't listen when
• 1:32:02
  people say you're being dramatic. So I just feel like your truth is based on what you feel.
• 1:32:08
  And I can feel my body. And there are days when I'm like, I've had moments, babe, when I was like,
• 1:32:14
  oh my god, I think I want to die today. The headaches are so bad. And that breaks a new layer
• 1:32:19
  of perspective in my life right now that I'm literally living for the day. And I'm just like,
• 1:32:26
  I thought about it the other day and I wrote down a little list. Like in 2026, I might not make it
• 1:32:33
  to the end of 2026. So what do I want to do now? And you know what my answer was?
• 1:32:38
  Absolutely everything I'm doing right now. And I'm just so grateful.
• 1:32:43
  When you think about grief, it is clear from a blind deaf person that you and your dad
• 1:32:50
  were very, very close. And I just wonder how did you, again, selfishly, because it's something
• 1:32:57
  that I think about. And I know that we can never be prepared for those circumstances.
• 1:33:04
  But like knowing you for two seconds and I feel your strength and I feel like your determination
• 1:33:09
  and all of the things that I love in a human being. And I just wonder how did,
• 1:33:15
  one, how did you manage when you found out that he had cancer and then a condensed version of
• 1:33:23
  that journey because I can imagine that it's just a huge roller coaster of emotions. And even when
• 1:33:28
  you were describing your children's relationship with him, again, all of these things are resonating.
• 1:33:35
  And I just wanted to kind of understand that journey a little bit.
• 1:33:38
  I can't even, and I think this is the part I'm really going to cry. I can't even begin to describe
• 1:33:45
  to you my father. Like everything I've gone through in my life, I can't think of a guy that has been
• 1:33:55
  there by my side thousands of miles away than my dad. Like my dad just has to look at me and I know
• 1:34:01
  everything's going to be okay. And I think losing him. I didn't understand when people would say
• 1:34:07
  losing someone. But my dad from the moment I was born, I got a glimpse like this is how a man
• 1:34:15
  is supposed to be the way he treated my mother. He, he developed in me that sense of romance.
• 1:34:22
  And he would sing at night all the time like I love to sing and I get that from my mom and dad.
• 1:34:27
  But my dad never laid a hand on us. Like when I hear about that, that abuse that children,
• 1:34:33
  physically, you know, in every different way, I can't relate. And I have this
• 1:34:43
  profound respect for him. That's the first thing I think of. And Pablo and I were trying to have
• 1:34:49
  a baby for the longest time after Balthazar. And I wouldn't get pregnant to the point that I
• 1:34:56
  really didn't believe it was going to happen. And so before the pandemic even happened,
• 1:35:02
  before it was even called COVID, we took a trip to see my dad. And, and what happened?
• 1:35:10
  My mom was first the one with lung cancer. Okay. So when my mom and dad were working in the
• 1:35:17
  Philippines, they worked in a chemical company. But there's like no chemicals near them. They were
• 1:35:20
  working on the, on the office site. But it was literally like a mini village. And I suppose
• 1:35:25
  they're micro dosing on like the different chemicals that were like in the atmosphere. Yeah.
• 1:35:30
  And so would you believe that they had the same cancer and the exact same spot, the same kind
• 1:35:35
  of everything? Like they did everything together. Even when they got sequenced together. In fact,
• 1:35:39
  there was like, there were like news features about them that this couple that have been together
• 1:35:43
  for almost 50 years, super solid, super amazing couple. They have the same cancer. But then
• 1:35:50
  my dad basically, my mom found out that actually I'll take you back. She went to Bali first.
• 1:35:56
  She came to see me. I was pregnant. But my husband and I went to Sri Lanka for a baby moon.
• 1:36:04
  Okay. And I lost the baby. Oh wow. And the baby was already big. Really? It was a big thing.
• 1:36:11
  And so when I would go back, when I went back to work, people would ask me,
• 1:36:14
  I was like, how many months is the baby? How's everything? I was like, actually, I lost the baby,
• 1:36:17
  but my tummy was still big because the baby was already so, you know, quite big in my tummy. So
• 1:36:22
  it took time to go down. But I remember at that time, my mom visited for us to have the baby
• 1:36:28
  when she was with the kids when we were in Sri Lanka. She went back to the US and I remember she had
• 1:36:32
  a bad cough. And then we're both asthmatic. So she goes, oh, I go, my, your coffee's so bad,
• 1:36:37
  go to the doctor. And she goes, yeah, they told me, every time she'd come back for the next five
• 1:36:41
  months, saying they would just up the dose of sugar. She goes, oh, my, you really need to get
• 1:36:46
  such a coast. That's not normal. And so long story short, she said, I have cancer.
• 1:36:51
  It was stage two. And basically, they were able, they were going to be able to fix it.
• 1:36:55
  Everything was going to be okay. So basically, I believe it was eight months down the road.
• 1:37:00
  She ran the bill and she was in remission because the doctors in in Beth, Israel were amazing.
• 1:37:06
  They really had this treatment center specifically for that kind of cancer. And that's why I felt
• 1:37:11
  like that was amazing. The doctors did a superhuman job. But the whole time my mom was going through
• 1:37:16
  that and my father was taking her to the doctor. He wasn't saying he was feeling the exact same symptoms.
• 1:37:20
  Right. So one day he just, you know, fell and got sick and they said, it's already mastastasized
• 1:37:29
  his brain. And so they gave him, I think, a couple of months. And they were like, we're going to
• 1:37:34
  give you like this new treatment. And then so long story short, we found that out. And I told Pablo,
• 1:37:40
  we're going to go to the States, but I couldn't go before then what was happening. We just had to
• 1:37:46
  like set things up because it was like, the pandemic wasn't even happening yet. Okay.
• 1:37:50
  Everything, all the businesses were good. I think I just had to finish up and I said, okay,
• 1:37:53
  we'll spend a couple of weeks in the States. So we had our first Christmas that we didn't have
• 1:37:57
  in a long time. And then Pablo went to Mexico to go on the business trip and I took the kids home.
• 1:38:08
  And I remember telling Pablo, I'm sick. Baby, I have this weird flu. I think I have what you had
• 1:38:12
  and this flu that didn't have any. So I went to the doctor and the doctor said, oh, you don't have
• 1:38:17
  a flu. Your flu is called a baby. So would you believe when we went to the States, we were able to
• 1:38:22
  conceive. And that's Atticus. Wow. But the time that I had them, I conceived them in the time of
• 1:38:28
  the pandemic. And then my dad was already going through his treatment. I was going through so much
• 1:38:33
  sadness because I wanted to be there for my dad. But I wasn't allowed because they were going
• 1:38:37
  through radiation. And I'm not allowed. And then pandemic hit and all the airports were shut.
• 1:38:42
  So before I could see my dad, he was already sick. For at that time, maybe it was already two
• 1:38:48
  years, or a year and a half. So when I went back to the States to bring the entire family for
• 1:38:53
  another Christmas, Atticus was already born and he was almost two. We spent a month. I never was
• 1:39:00
  away that long. I spent a month with him because I said, this is serious. And then they said
• 1:39:06
  it already had gone through his brain. And they were doing treatments and laser and everything was
• 1:39:11
  just so advanced. But the whole point of it is like the journey of my dad wasn't like he was sick
• 1:39:17
  and he died. It was a five-year stretch of knowing and not knowing. And it was like dragging me and
• 1:39:25
  and so I opened alum wellness. At the time that I accepted it, it was the pandemic and I have the
• 1:39:30
  most amazing business partners and investors. And I was thinking about this the other day. One day
• 1:39:36
  I looked at it, oh my god, this place is huge, which sounds dumb. Because it's like I'm the one that
• 1:39:41
  you've been there. Everything. I designed everything. But I think I was just in like this haze,
• 1:39:47
  this mental haze of I was flying to New York. I was coming back to Bali, the time difference in
• 1:39:52
  everything. I wasn't really paying attention that before alum even opened, the place actually
• 1:39:57
  was healing me. That I was looking for something to help me financially provide for my family
• 1:40:05
  because Amari was going to go into university and I needed a business that could help me with that
• 1:40:10
  and also grow something on my own, not doing a business with my husband and doing something creative.
• 1:40:17
  Because I've always been like that. Even when I was a kid, if I felt bad about something, I would
• 1:40:20
  draw. I mean, I didn't have anything to feel bad about. I was supposed my teenage years. But
• 1:40:25
  it was about creative expression. And so, alum became my creative expression. So I'm building that,
• 1:40:31
  going to the stage, taking care of my dad. I take care of my parents. They have COVID, you know,
• 1:40:35
  and it's just like this whole world and the flat issues with health. And then
• 1:40:41
  there was even a time that I left Atticus because I didn't want him to get sick and I had to go
• 1:40:45
  for me taking care of my dad. I opened alum wellness one month in August 2024 and every September
• 1:40:52
  public and I go to Europe. And we were on the last day, the last leg, so we were in Spain.
• 1:41:00
  And I remember, I never taken that because I'm always go, go, go. And something was just telling me,
• 1:41:06
  I needed to take a nap. I just felt so tired. And so, I took a nap and then I dropped
• 1:41:13
  with my father and we were talking for a long time. And then he tapped me on the leg,
• 1:41:17
  wake up, it's time. And then I looked at my phone and all I saw was so many missed calls.
• 1:41:24
  And that was my greatest fear. Where was it going to catch me when I got that call? Because I had
• 1:41:29
  these responsibilities to build this business and responsibilities for business partners.
• 1:41:33
  My kids were here. But I also was a daughter and I also needed to show off for my dad and my mom
• 1:41:38
  who was getting physically exhausted and my sisters, well, I wanted to be there for them as well.
• 1:41:44
  And so, this whole thing was going on. I couldn't get a flight to New York because it was Paris
• 1:41:48
  Fashion Week. So, at the 24 hours, so from San Sebastien, we have to take a train. I waited in Paris
• 1:41:53
  for like the one night. And basically, I'm lucky because when we ran Spain and they called me
• 1:41:58
  and I called them. My dad was already dying. I had a chance to be with him and it stretched for
• 1:42:03
  hours. So, I was able to talk to him. He couldn't hear me much anymore. But I was there and I saw him
• 1:42:10
  alive the last few moments of him being alive. And we said everything we want to say. And my husband
• 1:42:15
  Pablo was crying. He was like, I have never seen anything like this in my life because I have
• 1:42:20
  five brothers and sisters. And we are extremely close. We're very close to our mother. We're very
• 1:42:25
  close to our father. We're like this. We are one. And basically, Pablo witnessed the impact
• 1:42:34
  that had on every brother, every sister and me. And I woke up my older children. I said,
• 1:42:38
  Tom, you need to wake up. And it was in Bali that time 2 a.m. wake up. It's time. Because I was
• 1:42:44
  always preparing them. When I called you, you got to pick up. So, they picked up and we were there
• 1:42:49
  to watch him pass away. So, I don't feel cheated. And at the same time, I, at the first year, when
• 1:42:55
  he first passed, I was so guilty, I feel he didn't do enough. I wasn't there enough. But I had to
• 1:42:59
  forgive myself because I also had my children. And I know that he would say, I want you to take care
• 1:43:03
  of your children. Because he's a big wake. He's going. But they needed me. And I couldn't risk
• 1:43:08
  their life and their health if I was spending months and months in the US. And so, by the time I went
• 1:43:15
  to New York, he had passed away for like 24 hours plus. And then my mom was so kind and she waited
• 1:43:22
  for me. And then we buried him together. And it was the most beautiful funeral. It was the most
• 1:43:27
  beautiful service. Everybody was there. Everybody out work. And they gave me time to be a moment.
• 1:43:34
  And I talked to the guys during the wake. And I said, hey, I said, just keep the doors lock.
• 1:43:41
  I want to have a moment with him. And I was with him. And you had an open casket. And I kissed
• 1:43:45
  him. And I hugged him. And I fixed his hair because I promised him that that's what I would do.
• 1:43:49
  And it was just, it was a beautiful moment. And I'm glad that I was able to do that. And so,
• 1:43:54
  I feel like I don't feel anything was lost because from the moment I was born, I have a memory
• 1:44:00
  that I'm in my crib standing up. Maybe I was not even one. And he would let my mom sleep. And he
• 1:44:06
  would be the one to give a smoke. He would let my mom sleep. And he would change my diapers.
• 1:44:11
  And there was nothing ever weird. I told my dad about everything. Boy friends, problems,
• 1:44:16
  this guy. And he was just like always coming up with the best advice. He was always the gentlest
• 1:44:21
  kindest. And then when his friends came over, you know, like we knew well, that's bad.
• 1:44:25
  I was like, this dad was in his one side, but he said a bad boy back in the day. And so,
• 1:44:30
  we were like, you know, really like we're close to his friends, we're close to his family.
• 1:44:35
  It was just, it's such a beautiful experience to be his daughter and having had and have a
• 1:44:42
  father like him. And he talks to me constantly. I dream about him constantly. You know, he hasn't left
• 1:44:47
  my side. And he's an amazing brother in law. He's an amazing son. Everybody loves everybody
• 1:44:52
  mourns him. And it's hard for me and my brothers and sisters to this day. I have so many moments
• 1:44:57
  I cry by myself. I feel so broken. And Balta's our saw me crying a few months after he passed away.
• 1:45:03
  And he was feeling so much like he was crying. And the pain was really coming out. And I haven't
• 1:45:09
  had a chance to mourn mind you. When I came back, I took the kids to school the next day.
• 1:45:15
  I worked the next day. I just took an hour doing the funeral. I was working before the funeral
• 1:45:20
  because it was like, there's so much expected of me. But then when I had the brain blood clots,
• 1:45:24
  I said to myself, that's it. I'm really going to love myself more. I'm going to take her
• 1:45:29
  a myself more. So I'm waiting for this year to end. On the 16th, I'm going to go to Australia and
• 1:45:34
  spend time with my family. But when I come back, Balta's going to go to Japan. And when he comes
• 1:45:40
  back, I'm going to take a week. I haven't decided where. But I'm going to leave Bali for a week.
• 1:45:45
  And I'm going to take that time to mourn him. It's more than a year. And it hasn't
• 1:45:49
  been anything great from my system. But I have to follow the flow. I have a schedule. I have
• 1:45:54
  my life. If I don't want to disrupt it, I want to give 2025 what I should. And then I'm going
• 1:46:02
  to give myself the first month of January to kind of ease into things. But you're right. Nobody
• 1:46:09
  ever prepares you for grief, especially if it's somebody you love so much. And I've dealt with
• 1:46:15
  it with my maternal grandmother, my auntie, who's like my second mom, like to this day, I can't deal
• 1:46:21
  with it. I moved to Bali with that grief in my heart. And that's why I believe in living in the
• 1:46:28
  now. Because this is all you have. If I die tomorrow, I want that my children felt that love that
• 1:46:36
  I had for them. And they will remember me that. Remember like mom said this mom did that.
• 1:46:41
  Because that's what we remember with her that. And so it also as a daughter puts in perspective
• 1:46:46
  as a mother, it kind of wants me to even be better. Because I realize this is what I'm leaving.
• 1:46:53
  As a legacy to my children. This is what my kids will remember me for. And I don't want them
• 1:46:58
  remembering me looking at the screen. And we just want more men that I'm working work and wait.
• 1:47:03
  And a lot of people would say, no, it can't. Yeah, there are days it can't. But as much as you can,
• 1:47:08
  you know, when your child is talking to you, you put down the phone and just hear what they're saying.
• 1:47:12
  Because I know as a parent of a 25 year old, a 21 year old, how that childhood has impacted them
• 1:47:19
  in all the good and things that I haven't done perfectly, how they are manifesting it as adults.
• 1:47:25
  And how what you teach them, they dig into that. Sometimes they're harder when they don't know.
• 1:47:30
  They pull in that bag and I want to make sure that bag is overflowing and has as much answers as
• 1:47:36
  they need so that when I'm not there, you know, they know that I really gave my best. And I can
• 1:47:43
  look at anyone in the eye. And today I can really say, I really gave my best. Because you know,
• 1:47:49
  some people will be hard on you and say, sometimes you'll be hard on yourself. But what is the benchmark
• 1:47:55
  what is the meter that we have here? What is the measuring scale? It's so vast. It's so absurd that
• 1:48:03
  you're pressuring yourself unnecessarily. So you kind of got to, I feel like I have to just
• 1:48:08
  bring it down and just focus on mine. And that nucleus is Tony, I'm hot.
• 1:48:16
  Balthas are at the end Pablo. And then me. And depending on the urgency, the order is changing.
• 1:48:23
  That's it. You know, I mean, I feel like I haven't even got into the modeling, the makeup,
• 1:48:29
  the hospitality, the wellness, and already my time is up with you. I need a part too. We need a part too.
• 1:48:35
  But if you had to sum up your life in one photo that was a postcard, what would the picture look like?
• 1:48:42
  It would be like me asking you to come here. You know, like the poster I wish you were here?
• 1:48:46
  Yes. It would be that because I'm on that side that just looks at everything. My cup is not even half.
• 1:48:52
  It's always full to the brim of it. I make it full. You know, and it's a choice that you make.
• 1:48:58
  Happiness is a choice. And my husband plays such a big role in my mindset of you got to look at
• 1:49:03
  things in the bright side. Everything is going to be okay. And people will tell you know, it's not going
• 1:49:06
  to be okay. The me one year ago, the me 10 years ago, 20 years ago, you know, it's looking up at me saying,
• 1:49:15
  I wouldn't have predicted this life, but this life happened because I made it happen. You know,
• 1:49:23
  like a lot of people say, oh, you're so lucky. Pablo saved you. They look at Pablo like my savior
• 1:49:28
  because he has so much success and he has so much, you know, that he can be proud of. And they're
• 1:49:34
  like, you should be proud because we should be happy that he took you and your children in. I've
• 1:49:38
  been told that. And I always say, no, no, we brought him in our space because as a single mom,
• 1:49:45
  and you know this, we don't let people in the circle. You got to be something that's so worth it
• 1:49:51
  because I've made that mistake that I kind of sort of almost let people in the circle. And I'm
• 1:49:57
  glad that I didn't get in the center. But I feel like people don't give you any favors. Maybe
• 1:50:07
  they give you a chance. Maybe they, oh, they lend you money. Maybe they give you an opportunity.
• 1:50:10
  But at the end of the day, babe, who was the one doing the action? It's you. And you've got to
• 1:50:15
  give yourself that credit. And people don't give themselves, themselves credit enough because it's
• 1:50:21
  like, it's embarrassing. This is what I'm saying. Like, oh, you're so beautiful. No, no, no,
• 1:50:24
  no, no, stop. You're like, you're so smart. No, I'm not. You've got to own it and say, you know
• 1:50:28
  what I am. And there's nothing wrong with, with praising yourself and knowing what you're good at
• 1:50:34
  and work on the things that need improvement. I always felt my kids, we don't have weaknesses.
• 1:50:39
  They're points of improvement. And there are things like, I can't drive a motorbike to save my life,
• 1:50:43
  but I can ride a go-jack. And all my go-jacks are my besties. And I can drive a car. You know,
• 1:50:49
  we each have our own strengths, right? And some people can pretend they drive a bike, but they're
• 1:50:53
  always crash. It's like, to each us own. Know what you're good at, embrace that, and then just
• 1:50:59
  share it to the world because all of that energy that you're passing on, just like what we're doing
• 1:51:04
  today, somebody's going to be watching this and they're going to be like, I'm a single mom and
• 1:51:07
  I can do it. You already knew you could do it from the beginning. Nobody needed to tell you that,
• 1:51:12
  but not everybody has that inner voice of themselves and being self-confident and
• 1:51:18
  raised well by their grandmother, mommy, their auntie. Not everybody has that. And we're lucky.
• 1:51:23
  Just try to think of that one person, even if it's a teacher, even if it's you, even if you literally
• 1:51:28
  lived like a nomad in a desert and nobody tell yourself that because it's at the end of the day,
• 1:51:33
  what are you waiting for? Like, what are you waiting for? Success. You're waiting for well.
• 1:51:38
  Looking at death firsthand and seeing my dad passing away in front of me, you know what I realized?
• 1:51:42
  Babe, nothing matters. Every physical thing he had did not go with him.
• 1:51:48
  It's him leaving us with the memories. And I want to leave this world, and I want my kids to
• 1:51:55
  leave this world that they made a significant impact, even if it's just with one person, even if
• 1:52:00
  the impact is raising for kids really well. Because those four kids will go out into the world,
• 1:52:05
  the two twins, they're going to go out into the world, and their mom is the one that
• 1:52:11
  helped give them the tools. You know, like, it's not all us, too. You've got to give the kids
• 1:52:17
  credit like whatever personalities they have, we're just like letting it thrive, lifting them up,
• 1:52:25
  thank you so much. I hope to have, I believe in the positives, and I just need to get there.
• 1:52:32
  I just need to get there. You're already there. You just need eyeglasses. I think your eyes are
• 1:52:36
  a bit like, you've got to just look in the mirror and see what I see. And I'm not saying this just
• 1:52:42
  because I feel like moms need to tell each other, yeah, you're doing good. Not good enough. It's
• 1:52:49
  good already. You're good. And you just take it one day. It's like walking, right? You take it
• 1:52:54
  one step at a time. You can't get there if you don't take that one step and some days are going
• 1:52:59
  to be bad for sure, but don't dwell in the bad. Live for the good. Live for that I'm going to
• 1:53:05
  like change the narrative of this whole thing because you want to be happy, right? At the end of
• 1:53:09
  today, everybody just wants to be happy. So do what you must to get to that happiness. You can't
• 1:53:17
  keep sitting in that pitty pool and say, oh, look what's happening to me, nothing happens to me.
• 1:53:22
  It's what you allow. And I only want to allow the good things. It can happen. You're the master
• 1:53:30
  of your ship. You can do it.