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Developing a Nurturing Internal Voice · Trauma Free Relationship

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  When working through trauma with a lot of my couples and
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  individuals that I work with as well, there's something that can
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  be very difficult to work through and deal with and that
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  is a self critical or critical self talk.
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  Because trauma really creates often times a negative internal
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  voice and we tend to beat ourselves up oftentimes over
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  events that have happened that we had 0 control over.
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  But that is part of the plight of trauma is that when we're
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  young, especially if it's childhood trauma, we have no way
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  to conceptualize. We just don't literally have the
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  brain capacity to think, oh, the adults in my life that are
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  supposed to keep me safe are no longer keeping me safe.
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  They're they're kind of messed up.
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  Or to say, oh, I'm not supposed to be parented this way.
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  This is wrong. We don't think that way as a
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  child. Even traumas that occur as
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  adults often times can have a self critical component to it.
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  I was working with a patient a while back and we were working
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  through some of their traumas and I noticed that they had a
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  very critical internal voice. So as I usually do, I asked them
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  just to take that part of themselves and set it in the
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  chair across from them and just talk to it for a moment and see
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  what it says. And as they begin to have a
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  dialogue with that part of themselves, what they heard were
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  things that were deeply critical.
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  You should have prevented this. You should have known better.
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  You deserve this because of your past transgressions.
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  This is your plight to carry because of who you are.
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  You're unlovable. I mean, just really, really gut
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  wrenching types of critical talk.
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  And one of the things that came out of that exercise was the
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  individual was able to recognize one more clearly, but two, just
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  how much they beat themselves up.
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  And in ways they don't even necessarily see at times, this
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  critical internal voice can often times be a very implicit
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  voice. It just pops up for a small
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  moment, barely even raises its head.
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  You hardly even notice it at times.
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  And then it it drops back down again.
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  But it's there. And it's always kind of in the
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  background, driving things, framing things in our
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  environment and the people that we're interacting with.
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  And especially in our relationships.
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  Past trauma tends to create a negative internal voice.
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  So what we're going to talk about today is how do we replace
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  this critical self talk with a more compassionate, nurturing
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  internal voice? Welcome to trauma free
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  relationship. I'm Tom Philip, your host, and
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  as a therapist, I've spent over 10,000 hours helping couples
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  work through their trauma so they can repair ruptures, heal
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  their wounds, and communicate from a place of wholeness and
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  connection. Let's get started,
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  OK? As I mentioned in the opening,
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  one of the things trauma does is it can create a very negative
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  internal voice. So let me give you some examples
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  of what those negative internal voices are.
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  Maybe you'll resonate with some of these.
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  For example, it's all my fault or I should be over this by now.
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  I hear that one a lot. I hear people that come in and
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  they talk about, well, this week I got really triggered and it
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  took me back to that place. All that old stuff keeps coming
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  up and I'm so tired of carrying that burden.
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  I'm so tired of holding on to all that.
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  I just should be over this by now and, and working through
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  trauma, healing trauma doesn't, it's not like a handbag.
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  It's not something you can just drop and walk away from.
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  It has to be worked through and that's that.
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  That takes a lot of work and it's difficult.
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  So often times I'll definitely hear I should be over this by
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  now. I also hear I'm weak for feeling
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  this way. I hear that one a lot as well.
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  They see the fact that they get triggered or the impact of a
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  situation that created trauma on their life.
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  It it leaves them feeling vulnerable and they hate feeling
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  vulnerable. They hate feeling like there's a
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  chink in the armor and that they are weak in a place.
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  And so they actually judge themselves for feeling the way
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  they do. Another one I hear a lot is
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  nobody understands what I went through and they're right on
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  some level. Nobody that can actually
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  understand unless you were there really what you went through.
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  But that doesn't mean that people can't empathize.
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  So that you can feel felt that you can feel deeply understood.
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  Maybe not because somebody was there, but because somebody's
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  able to immerse themselves enough in your experience that
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  you feel like they get it. Another one I hear a lot is I'm
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  damaged. I'm damaged.
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  That one always breaks my heart. They feel broken.
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  They feel broken in places. And the example I gave at the
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  opening about this individual that that had this really
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  critical internal voice and we just took that part of them and
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  we sort of externalized it. We just put it in a chair across
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  them and said, talk to this part of you for a minute.
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  They felt damaged in that place. They felt broken in that place.
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  Another one I hear a lot is I can't trust anyone.
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  And that certainly is a hallmark of trauma.
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  It breaks trust in our relationships and it breaks
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  trust in ourselves. It's not even just that we can't
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  trust others, but we can't trust ourselves either.
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  And when we start talking about insecure styles of attachment,
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  this certainly is one of those that comes along with the more
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  avoidance style. I can't trust other people and I
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  turn off my attachment needs and longings.
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  And so I can't trust myself either.
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  I can't show up for myself and I sure can't let anybody else show
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  up for me. And when we start talking about
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  anxious attachment style, I can't trust myself.
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  I have to constantly have reassurance from others, but I'm
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  not sure that it's genuine. If I have to beg for it, if I
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  have to plead for it, if I have to turn up the heat on my
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  partner and and and and get them to try to notice how much I need
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  reassurance, can I really trust that either?
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  And yet I've given up so much of my own experience in order to
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  get that reassurance from my partner that I can't trust
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  myself either. So those are some of the
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  internal negative voices that I hear a lot when working with my
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  couples and individuals through the trauma work.
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  Now I want to walk through those same ones and, and, and
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  juxtapose it to a more kind internal voice.
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  So, for example, the first one we started with, it's all my
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  fault versus what happened was not my fault.
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  I was in a difficult situation and I did the best I could at
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  the time. I'm not responsible for the
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  actions of others. Now, if you've carried around
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  this negative internal voice, me saying the opposite of that
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  probably sounds really strange. You might even be saying to
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  yourself, well, Tom, that's great, but I can't trust that
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  voice or I don't even know where that voice could come from.
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  And I get that. That's part of the trauma work
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  is being able to find that voice in you that's more compassionate
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  and more nurturing. What about this one instead of I
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  should be over this by now. Healing takes time and there's
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  no set timeline. It's OK that I'm still
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  processing this. I will be patient with myself
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  instead of judging where I am. We want to have a more
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  compassionate internal voice. I'm weak for feeling this way
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  versus it's natural to feel this way after what I've been
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  through. My feelings are valid and
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  acknowledging them takes courage, not weakness.
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  I'll never be the same versus I've never been changed.
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  I've I have been changed. Excuse me?
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  I've been changed by this experience and that's OK.
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  And I'm learning and growing and I will find new ways to thrive.
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  My journey is unique. What about nobody understands
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  what I went through? Even if others haven't had the
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  exact same experience, I can still connect with people who
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  offer support and understanding. And I'm not alone.
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  What about I'm damaged? Versus I've been through a
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  difficult experience, but I'm not broken.
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  I'm resilient and I am healing. I deserve kindness, love, and
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  compassion. What about I can't trust anyone?
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  Versus it's understandable that trust is difficult right now.
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  I can take things at my own pace and learn to build trust again
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  in safe relationships. These are some ways of
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  developing a more nurturing internal voice.
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  Notice how all the things I've read are are based much more in
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  compassion in in patience and in nurturing.
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  And if we're talking about complex trauma here, comp trauma
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  that has been accumulated over time from childhood on, this is
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  absolutely called for. We have to be able sometimes to
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  reparent ourselves, but more importantly, we have to be able
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  to touch that place in us that holds that that resentment,
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  those hard feelings, those traumatic feelings.
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  And we have to be able to speak kindness and love into them.
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  Because if we don't do that for ourselves, then who will?
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  Who possibly can? All right, so let's talk about
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  some practical tips for cultivating nurturing self talk.
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  First, I think it's just to become aware of your current
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  self talk. Being able to pay attention to
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  the thoughts that run through your mind, especially when
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  you're feeling distressed. That's when these thoughts tend
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  to pop up the most. We need to notice when they come
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  out. We need to notice what they
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  sound like. We need to notice whose voice it
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  might sound like. Does it take on a tone of a
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  critical, demeaning, harsh parent?
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  Does it take on the tone of an absent father?
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  Does it take on the tone of a a a absent mother?
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  What kind of tone might it take on when we begin to notice that
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  critical self talk? Another thing to identify is the
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  negative patterns. Does it tend to have a theme in
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  terms of its criticism, blame, or negativity?
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  Does the theme tend to sound like you're going to be
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  abandoned, you're not worth love, you don't measure up?
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  Does it tend to be shaming or demeaning in its tone as well?
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  Do you notice those these patterns that pop up for you?
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  I know when I've struggled with my own negative self talk, a lot
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  of times it comes up in the form of shame.
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  You're not measuring up. You're going to embarrass
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  yourself. People are going to think poorly
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  of you. They're going to know you're not
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  competent or you're not smart. Keep quiet, don't speak up,
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  don't say anything. So my own negative self talk
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  definitely has a pattern to it. And the pattern looks a lot like
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  make yourself small and insignificant.
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  Don't speak up, don't put yourself out there because if
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  you do, you will be shamed. And I know that about myself.
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  And I've learned times where that can get triggered.
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  And I've learned to notice what that feels like in my body when
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  I feel myself shrinking down or I feel myself all of a sudden
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  very aware, very conscious of how others might be perceiving
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  me. And I have to be able to
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  challenge that. I have to be able to say no.
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  It's OK to speak up. You don't have to be perfect.
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  You don't have to say the perfect thing.
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  You don't have to show up in the perfect way.
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  You are competent. You are able to notice things
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  and to offer benefit and value to others.
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  So just understanding what those patterns can look like can be
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  very important. And then I think last, we have
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  to be able to challenge and sometimes reframe those negative
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  thoughts and that negative internal voice.
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  Often times we have to say, is this truly accurate?
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  What evidence might support it? I am broken.
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  What evidence supports that? Because I guarantee you, every
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  place that you might feel broken, there is also a place in
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  you that is resilient. If you're sitting in my office
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  and you're an adult and you're functioning fairly well in the
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  world, then you are resilient by the sheer fact that you're
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  sitting in my office, The sure fact that you might be in a
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  relationship, you might still be married, you might be still be
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  dating, you might still be searching for a companion.
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  The fact that you're holding a job most often, sometimes you're
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  probably very successful at what you do.
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  That is resilience. That is your ability to pick
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  yourself up and continue on in the face of overwhelming
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  feelings of despair and aloneness and and trauma.
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  And so that is resilience. And so if you're going to own
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  the broken parts of you, then by golly, you have got to own the
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  resilient parts of you as well because they are there.
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  And if you're my patient, and if you're a couple I'm working
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  with, you're darn sure, I'm going to point it out.
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  I'm going to make sure that you are aware that you are strong
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  and resilient and that we can lay that alongside those places
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  that feel hurt and hard and broken as well.
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  So what are the things some things you can do to help create
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  a more nurturing internal voice? Well, I think first of all,
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  practice regularly, meaning consciously choose to use your
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  new nurturing voice. You're nurturing self talk.
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  You can pull right from the script I read today that I wrote
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  out some of the things that I had mentioned.
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  You can pull right from those or you can write your own.
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  It doesn't matter. It it, it would be even better
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  if you wrote some of your own. I'm not not broken.
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  I'm strong and resilient where it matters.
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  I'm strong and resilient because I keep going.
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  I'm strong and resilient because I continue to work to be whole.
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  These kinds of things are really important for you, not only just
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  to say to yourself, but you've got to be able to let them in.
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  You've got to be able to believe it as well, so practice
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  regularly these more affirming or nurturing internal
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  affirmations. Be kind to yourself during
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  setbacks. Self compassion is really
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  important. Not criticizing or blaming
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  yourself for where you are, but rather being able to to speak
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  patience and love and kindness to yourself is very important,
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  especially when you get triggered, especially during
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  those times when you feel most down, most hurt, most upset,
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  when that part of you that's been traumatized holding all
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  that pain. That's especially important to
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  be able to speak a nurturing voice to yourself.
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  Being able to visualize or imagine a kind and compassionate
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  inner voice speaking to you with warmth and understanding is
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  vital as well. See if you can't conjure up
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  somebody in your life that was always there for you.
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  Somebody in your life that was your safe haven, your secure
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  base, that had a a gleam in their eye when they saw you.
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  They just thought that you hung the moon.
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  There's usually always a a best friend's parent or a grandparent
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  that that took such delight in you.
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  Even though your home life may have been hell, they took such
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  delight in you and you knew that with them.
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  So conjure up and visualize them speaking kindly to you.
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  Use your imagination. It's one of the best tools you
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  have to help yourself heal trauma.
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  And so visualize the a grandmother wrapping her arms
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  around you saying you're OK, baby, I love you, It's all going
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  to be all right. And then finally, another thing
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  you can do is start journaling. Write down your thoughts and
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  feelings. That can help you process them.
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  It can help you identify themes as well as opportunities for
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  reframing yourself and reframing that negative voice to a more
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  nurturing and internal voice as well.
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  Well, I hope this has been helpful in terms of unpacking,
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  helping you understand what a critical internal voice sounds
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  like, where it comes from, and how to start the hard work, the
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  important work of being able to replace it with a more kind,
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  nurturing, and compassionate internal voice.
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  I hope you found this helpful today.
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  Thank you for listening as always.
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  Hey, if you like this podcast, feel free to share it, like it,
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  follow it, send it to your friends, let them know that
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  there's resources available out there to help them on their
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  healing journey. Thank you so much and we'll talk
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  to you next time.