Latest / The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast / 256. Rejection Really Hurts! A High Desire Wife Speaks Out About How Rejection Negatively Impacts Marriage

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256. Rejection Really Hurts! A High Desire Wife Speaks Out About How Rejection Negatively Impacts Marriage · The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: Rejection really sucks.
• 0:42
  Speaker 2: A High Desire Wife speaks out about how rejection negatively impacts marriage, and I think this can go both ways.
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: So, again today's episode of the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, we are going to talk about rejection.
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: Ouch, rejection hurts.
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: Nobody wants to feel rejected in their marriage, not emotionally, not sexually Agreed.
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: Especially sexually yeah.
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: No, both Equally.
• 1:11
  Speaker 2: I agree, but something as so vulnerable as sexual intimacy, I mean, it's devastating for people.
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: If you are like amazing in the emotional intimacy and then you're rejected sexually, that sucks.
• 1:25
  Speaker 2: It does.
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: Especially if you're giving and giving and giving.
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: Yeah, just the constant.
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: So today's episode I know we've talked about this in the past and we focused more like why a husband would have a low drive and how that affects a high drive wife, why a husband would have a low drive and how, like that affects the high drive wife.
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: It's been a while, but we want this episode to be more about rejection in general, even though we are going to talk a little bit about higher drive wives because, believing, shocking or not, like I've actually had tons of wives reach out to us and explain how hard it is to be the higher drive wife.
• 2:09
  Speaker 2: And.
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: I think that I think it looks similar for a higher drive husband and a higher drive wife.
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: I think that's similar, but my heart goes out to the higher drive wife that's constantly rejected, if not more, because they're lacking the emotional intimacy big time in their marriage.
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: also because I think husbands are created to give that emotional intimacy, especially after they're sexually intimate yep but also they give more of it when they want to be intimate Right, and so when a husband's not desiring to be intimate at all, that's probably never happening and that's going to hurt.
• 2:54
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah and I mean we'll dive into that.
• 2:58
  Speaker 2: But yeah, rejection just both ways.
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: It's awful, it feels horrible.
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: No matter, yeah, no matter what side you're on.
• 3:05
  Speaker 2: It hurts and I think one of the good things about this episode, too, is hearing from women and how devastated they are to be rejected and how they feel.
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: Hopefully that can help some wives who are constantly rejecting their husbands understand how important sexual intimacy really is in a relationship, because I think a lot, of a lot of women, I mean.
• 3:27
  Speaker 2: The stereotype is that it's usually the men that are getting rejected by their wives because their wives have lower desire and that, and that the statistics show that's typically the case.
• 3:36
  Speaker 2: But if, if a woman is hearing from another woman about how devastating it is to the the flip side, to get rejected, hopefully that can help some lower desire wives who are constantly rejecting their husbands more so understand how important intimacy, sexual intimacy, really is and don't just ignore that and think, oh, he just wants to have sex and that's, you know, that's all it is.
• 4:02
  Speaker 2: Because, as we talk about often, it is so much we talk about often, it is so much more than that.
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: It is so much more than that.
• 4:08
  Speaker 2: If you don't have a healthy sex life, the chances of your marriage succeeding and being a good marriage are slim to none.
• 4:19
  Speaker 2: I mean, there's going to come a time where, yeah, you might stay together, but there's going to be nothing there.
• 4:25
  Speaker 2: It's going to be just two people living together.
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: So I love that you brought that whole point up because we've shared the story about our some friends that we know that she got testosterone boosters and she became the higher drive spouse and it was like so much that her husband was like rejecting her right and the story was a funny story.
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: But it was an eye-opening story because she didn't even realize, like, how bad it hurt to feel rejected before this happens.
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: And I think a lot of women are just like, oh, he just wants it again, he just wants it again, he just wants it again.
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: And when you hear stories from women that have been in a guy's situation, that's like emotionally rejected and sexually rejected and the pain that they're going through.
• 5:14
  Speaker 2: I remember one of the.
• 5:15
  Speaker 2: I remember the comment she made and she said if I had no idea this is how my husband felt, and if I would have known this is how my husband felt, I never would have rejected him ever.
• 5:25
  Speaker 2: And we're not.
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: And again, we're not saying that you just have to go have sex anytime your spouse wants it.
• 5:31
  Speaker 2: We're not saying that at all.
• 5:32
  Speaker 2: We'd never have said that.
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: What we're saying is quit making excuses and hopefully find ways to better connect sexually with each other.
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: Just to make it more of a priority.
• 5:46
  Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly yeah, you're going gonna have to juggle some things around.
• 5:48
  Speaker 2: You're gonna have to, you know, maybe schedule it.
• 5:51
  Speaker 2: You're gonna have to prioritize it.
• 5:53
  Speaker 2: There's gonna be times maybe you're not in the mood to do it.
• 5:57
  Speaker 2: But again, like we talk about so often everything in life, like there's so many things that we do not because we want to necessarily do it at that exact moment, but we do them because they're important to our lives, they're important to our relationships, they're important to our family, they're important to everything we do.
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: Absolutely, absolutely.
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: So we're going to jump in and we're going to start by sharing some of her comments that she sent me kind of as a start off point.
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: Yeah, love it.
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: So, um, the first thing she said is husband's low drive causes high desire wife to feel undesired and frustrated by needs not being met.
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: Not feeling desired then affects wife desiring sexual intimacy with him at all.
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: Now, this goes both ways.
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: I want this podcast to go both ways, because the husbands listening that feel like they're rejected quite a bit and they have the higher drive.
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: You're going to feel the same way, right, and what she's saying is when you're not feeling desired, it almost makes you like want to stop initiating.
• 7:12
  Speaker 2: For sure.
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: Correct and.
• 7:13
  Speaker 2: I think we hear that.
• 7:14
  Speaker 2: In fact, we've heard that a lot from husbands is.
• 7:19
  Speaker 2: They've said that rejection hurts so bad that, rather than being rejected, I'm just not going to even try anymore.
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: And if you're not trying to connect intimately with your spouse anymore, every other area of your marriage is going to suffer.
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: There's going to be a domino effect to that right.
• 7:35
  Speaker 2: Absolutely.
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: There's going to be a huge domino effect.
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: Then she states it creates a lot of anxiety and raises so many worries Am I enough?
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: Is he attracted to me?
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: Is he watching porn?
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: Is he fantasizing about someone else?
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: Like your mind, I'm sure, when you get rejected.
• 7:51
  Speaker 2: You're going to jump in and make a ton of assumptions.
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you're going to be like okay.
• 7:55
  Speaker 2: Well, the first thing you're going to do is say, okay, why?
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: Why did I get rejected?
• 8:01
  Speaker 2: Am I not good enough?
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: Am I not good enough?
• 8:03
  Speaker 2: Am I not handsome or pretty enough?
• 8:04
  Speaker 2: Do they not love me?
• 8:05
  Speaker 2: You're going to naturally take that rejection personally.
• 8:10
  Speaker 2: Personally, it's almost impossible not to.
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: Because you're getting rejected, why would they not want to do something so amazing as make love to me?
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: That's a way to connect and so often when someone wants to make love physical touch, that is their love language.
• 8:27
  Speaker 2: So that's that's how they feel love.
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: So they often assume that that's how their spouse is going to feel, feel or receive love.
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: So rejection, I mean it.
• 8:38
  Speaker 2: It's, it's painful, it it's painful.
• 8:41
  Speaker 2: It's like looking in a mirror and saying what is what is wrong with me?
• 8:44
  Speaker 2: And then you start thinking all the things that are wrong with you versus maybe what are the things that?
• 8:50
  Speaker 2: Why is your spouse rejecting you?
• 8:51
  Speaker 2: Right?
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: absolutely, absolutely your mind.
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: I think it's human nature to, like all of a sudden start self-observing right yeah like is it me, is it me, is it me and no one should have to feel like that in their marriage, right, and we're gonna talk about the things that causes constant rejection, or lack of libido, I guess is another way to say it.
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: But the next thing she said was husband doesn't connect emotionally during sex, so leaves wife feeling disconnected and unwanted.
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: No affection affection, kissing, touching, foreplay, verbal compliments or affection, non-sexual affection.
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: If you have a husband or a wife that doesn't crave being intimate very often or ever, there's probably not any non-sexual touch going on in the marriage, right?
• 9:46
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: Because I mean we talk about it, it's natural to be like I mean it's a joke in our marriage.
• 9:51
  Speaker 2: Day four.
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: The day three, day four the touchy-feely gets a little more and more.
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: But if someone's not wanting it, they're not going to be as touchy it's like in our marriage.
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: I'm not a physical of person and my drive is way lower, so naturally I'm not all over nick, like he is all over me, I think that's natural.
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: Oh, I'm all over her, all over right though.
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I totally am all over you I just but right that, like the higher drive, spouse is usually more that physical for sure and so when a spouse is getting rejected sexually when they just don't want it, that physical touch is not going to be there in the marriage Right.
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly, and the emotional intimacy is often not going to be there as well.
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: Because it goes hand in hand with the physical affection If you're getting rejected, you're going to be like why am I?
• 10:37
  Speaker 2: You know, the natural thing is to just retreat and kind of go private Right to just retreat and kind of go private right.
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: And this is where it gets tricky, because I feel like God kind of created us for, like the man, to have the higher drive, for the reason that he'll be a little more emotionally connected, a little more touchy-feely, a little more romantic right.
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: Absolutely no question, and if we have the high drive that you had, nothing would ever get done right.
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: In our relationship and Amy can correct me and maybe I'm wrong, but I'll give an assessment.
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: Like a lot of times, I do romantic things because I do want to be intimate with my wife.
• 11:19
  Speaker 2: I want to show her how much I love her.
• 11:21
  Speaker 2: I want her to think oh man, my husband's the greatest guy in the world.
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: Why would I not want to make love to him?
• 11:27
  Speaker 2: He's like a stud, right Like as a man.
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: We do things because we want our wife to love us.
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: We want our wife to appreciate us, respect us, be intimate with us.
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: You want us to be intimate with you?
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: Yeah, exactly, I mean you can just say that right.
• 11:42
  Speaker 2: Yeah, if amy were to shut off the sexual intimacy completely in our marriage, I I can almost guarantee that I would retreat and say well, you know, golf, she's what's wrong with me.
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: She doesn't even want to be intimate with me.
• 11:57
  Speaker 2: Um, am I not desirable to her?
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: Am I not good?
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: you're gonna start thinking attractive enough.
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: I'm going to pretty much retreat and cut off the emotional intimacy Because I'm like I'm just going to keep my distance, she doesn't want anything to do with me.
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: It's bugging her anyways, right, it's bugging her.
• 12:13
  Speaker 2: Anyways, I'm just going to stay away from her, right, I'm just going to stay away from her.
• 12:17
  Speaker 2: Let her do her thing, like that's.
• 12:26
  Speaker 2: That's a natural response.
• 12:27
  Speaker 2: In fact, we talk about that in a podcast the emotional toxic games that couples play in marriage right, right.
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: So again, it's just natural that that's that behavior is going to happen and when that gets cut off, especially in this situation where a wife really like, even if a wife is the high drive wife, she still is a high emotionally needing person.
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: I mean, we're created to need that emotional safety right, that emotional connection.
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: So when both of those are lacking, that's rough, that's right, that's right I wonder I, I don't know.
• 13:03
  Speaker 2: I often wonder this and I only know how I feel and obviously you only know how you feel, but I often wonder why sexual intimacy or this topic causes so many issues in marriage.
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: Right, like, why can't couples just have sex and be intimate all the time?
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: Have sex and be intimate all the time?
• 13:22
  Speaker 2: Now, I know that's, I know that's a simple thing to say, which we're going to get into because we have emotional disconnection and all the reasons why couples don't.
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: I understand that, but it's, it's amazing, I guess, how powerful this, this desire, how powerful sexual intimacy is, and how it really sexual intimacy is and how it really it really can just like, create a lot of good or a lot of bad, how how it can be used as a tool to completely destroy a relationship or destroy a marriage or make your marriage just the best thing that you could ever imagine of being right.
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: Right, right, right, that's great, okay.
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: The next thing she said was Husband's lack of initiation makes it hard for wife to initiate because she doesn't feel desired or can't get fully ready for sex Because husband isn't giving anything.
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: It's also hard to stay present during sex while worried about why it's behavior is what it is.
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: I have to try and keep myself in the mood and that can be really hard.
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: Um, yeah, I think I think that's tricky, like because sex is so emotional, right, well, again going back to it, so emotional going back to it.
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: If you're getting rejected whether you're getting rejected from your husband or your wife you're going to disconnect.
• 14:46
  Speaker 2: How can you not?
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: I mean, that's just, that's going to happen right someone who keeps getting rejected is not going to keep going back and doing the same thing over and over again.
• 14:55
  Speaker 2: They're going to be like I'm getting rejected, it's not working, I give up or you know whatever.
• 15:00
  Speaker 2: But it's really hard to give up when you have a strong physical drive.
• 15:06
  Speaker 2: Right it is.
• 15:07
  Speaker 2: But, like we've talked about, rejection hurts so bad that for a lot of people they would rather not get rejected.
• 15:14
  Speaker 2: They would rather just say I'm not even going to try versus get rejected.
• 15:18
  Speaker 2: That's why affairs start happening.
• 15:20
  Speaker 2: They're like screw that, I'm going somewhere else.
• 15:23
  Speaker 2: Right, and I'm not saying that's the right thing to do at all.
• 15:25
  Speaker 2: I'm not.
• 15:26
  Speaker 2: But that is why people go elsewhere is because, whether it's their emotional needs or sexual needs, are not being met inside the marriage.
• 15:36
  Speaker 2: They're going to go get those needs met somewhere else.
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: They're going to yeah, or the marriage is going to end.
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: Yeah, which is better than doing that?
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: She says Communication with husband about sex and expressing desires is difficult and goes ignored and usually leads to an argument.
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: We hear this from so many husbands, so many husbands, right.
• 16:06
  Speaker 2: Like why?
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: does this have to be such an argument?
• 16:08
  Speaker 2: Why can't we just talk about it?
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: That's really hard for people.
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: That's really really hard when one person is like nah, not important to me.
• 16:17
  Speaker 2: Well, again, and it's always the low desire spouse.
• 16:19
  Speaker 2: That is the one that's like.
• 16:21
  Speaker 2: I don't want to talk about this, it's not important to me.
• 16:23
  Speaker 2: It's always the low desire spouse.
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: Yeah, because it's not important to them, because it's not important to them.
• 16:28
  Speaker 2: So they're going to disregard the higher desire spouse and just say I don't want to talk about this to talk about this.
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: We don't need to talk about right, which is why we talked about why it's so important to talk about sex right, like if there's any sort of issue in your marriage or fight or arguments that keep happening, that probably means that it's important and needs to be discussed even more.
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: So, yeah, right, um.
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: And the last thing she said is hearing about high drive wife.
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: Husbands can be triggering to a high drive wife with a low drive husband and can raise insecurities.
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: It's hard to believe these.
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: There are men who like and want sex, and this is what husbands say when they hear about high drive wives, because in a lot of our social media posts, a wife will say well, I'm the one that wants it in my marriage, my husband always rejects it and my husband's are like what, what?
• 17:22
  Speaker 2: what are you?
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: talking about that's.
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: That's a myth, right yeah?
• 17:24
  Speaker 2: I, I exactly.
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's what.
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: If there's any, let's see Anything else I want to share.
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: She asked how does a wife maintain confidence in her desire for her husband?
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: How does a wife cope with the following and how does she communicate this to her husband?
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: How does she deal with the hurt?
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: How do you deal with the hurt?
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: And that's the big question that husbands are asking, and wives who are in this position are asking, right Like how do you deal with this hurt?
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: And that's we'll get into that.
• 18:01
  Speaker 2: Yeah, let's jump into some of the reasons that people have shared and things like that, because obviously, as we'll get into, it's virtually impossible.
• 18:14
  Speaker 2: We have so many people reach out to us and say what can I do when I have a spouse that's just not interested or keeps rejecting me or whatever?
• 18:20
  Speaker 2: I wish there was a simple answer, but sometimes there isn't a solution.
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: Because marriage takes two.
• 18:29
  Speaker 2: Marriage takes two.
• 18:30
  Speaker 2: If you have a spouse that literally just doesn't care, won't do anything, I don't know what you do.
• 18:34
  Speaker 2: I don't know that you can do anything.
• 18:36
  Speaker 1: Well, we'll get into some things we can do after we talk about what causes it.
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: So, okay, here are 10 potential reasons why a husband may not want to be intimate with their wife, and this can go the other way around.
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: Most of these can go the other way around too.
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: Okay, so why a spouse wouldn't want to be intimate?
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: And I know we've talked about these before, but we're going to try and, like, bring up some things that might be a little bit different.
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: Number one is stress, and I have a friend whose husband is under a lot of stress with work and it definitely affects his sexual desire.
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: So I know this one is a fact.
• 19:15
  Speaker 2: Who is that Sexual desire?
• 19:17
  Speaker 2: So I know this one is a fact, who is that?
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: No, I'm just joking.
• 19:18
  Speaker 2: I was like not going to say it, I'm totally joking.
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: Nick's like what Stress?
• 19:23
  Speaker 1: A lot of men say the stress, like being intimate helps with stress.
• 19:28
  Speaker 2: Agreed.
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: But there are men that are so stressed out that it's literally killed their desire, and, whether you understand that or not, that is a reason.
• 19:40
  Speaker 2: It's a legit reason.
• 19:41
  Speaker 2: It is a legit reason.
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: So if some of these other reasons, you're just like nope, not that, not that, that could I mean just be aware that that could be it and that might need to be a conversation that you have right?
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: Yeah, because stress affects us all super differently.
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: For a lot of women not the high drive wives, probably, but the lower drive wife, like if they're super stressed, that's the first thing going out the door.
• 20:03
  Speaker 1: Is sex right For?
• 20:03
  Speaker 2: sure, for sure, yeah, where for men it?
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: can be the opposite.
• 20:06
  Speaker 2: It can actually be the opposite.
• 20:08
  Speaker 2: For me, when I get stressed, I want to take my mind off things.
• 20:12
  Speaker 2: I need to feel like my wife loves me and that everything's going to be okay, and just want that connection but for the lower drive husband, that is one of the biggest things for sure that's something you need to talk about.
• 20:25
  Speaker 2: Yep um.
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: The second reason is fatigue, like literally exhaustion, long hours at work, lack of sleep for for health reasons exhaustion Interesting, yeah, yeah.
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: Interesting.
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: I mean that can affect both couples or spouses, right.
• 20:43
  Speaker 1: Okay, Health issues, big Like if a husband has some serious health issues, maybe ED.
• 20:52
  Speaker 2: Yeah, absolutely.
• 20:53
  Speaker 2: When you're not feeling good health wise, it pretty much overtakes your life.
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: Right, but even like health issues in men that can cause low drive?
• 21:09
  Speaker 2: Yeah for sure.
• 21:10
  Speaker 1: So if it's a health issue, the good thing is that there's so many people and doctors and things that you can do to fix this.
• 21:18
  Speaker 2: Hopefully you can have a conversation in your marriage and there's even to really get down to it, right there's even some safe, like herbal supplements, like we sell great herbal supplements that are for low energy, low desire, and a lot of people say they work great.
• 21:32
  Speaker 2: So there's all also alternatives to you know.
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: Looking, yeah, looking into that so health issues um mental health concerns somebody with like serious anxiety or serious depression is absolutely going to affect their sex drive and I in men and women and I think like performance issues, like if you were afraid of not performing up to up to what your spouse's expectations are.
• 21:58
  Speaker 2: I could see that being like a being a big thing well, that's the next one.
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: That's the next one.
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: You jumped ahead my bad so no, it's fine.
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: So like depression and mental, mental health is really big, just like physical health, but then also, like you said, it's called performance anxiety, like yeah, I could see that being a real thing, that would be huge for a husband especially if your spouse like, let's say, you have a wife that has a hard time or having an orgasm okay right
• 22:28
  Speaker 2: which 80 of women do.
• 22:30
  Speaker 2: Right, they have to be stimulated through the clitoris, right?
• 22:33
  Speaker 2: That's one of the reasons we sell so many like vibrating rings and things that we do.
• 22:39
  Speaker 2: If, if I as a man, if I could never, if my wife could never orgasm, I I would think that something's wrong with me.
• 22:47
  Speaker 2: Why can I not get my wife to enjoy sex?
• 22:50
  Speaker 2: Am I not good enough, am I?
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: am I not doing it?
• 22:53
  Speaker 2: right.
• 22:53
  Speaker 2: Am I not doing it right?
• 22:53
  Speaker 2: What Am I not doing it right?
• 22:54
  Speaker 2: What's wrong?
• 22:55
  Speaker 2: And so on a on an anxiety or performance issue, there are so many great things Like, uh, there's nothing a spouse wants more than to please their spouse sexually.
• 23:06
  Speaker 2: Right, Like that's, that's like top two, a husband, yeah.
• 23:10
  Speaker 2: Like there's nothing I want more than to please my, please my wife, please Amy sexually.
• 23:14
  Speaker 2: Um, that that's an amazing thing.
• 23:18
  Speaker 2: And so to have these aides that are able to help out, like it's just awesome.
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: Oh, absolutely agree.
• 23:25
  Speaker 2: So there are things that you can do for that as well, like with performance issues or things like that.
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: Right, okay, the next one is loss of attraction.
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: I just got to say this is real, this is real.
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: Loss of attraction in marriage is loss of attraction.
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: I just got to say this is real, this is real.
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: Loss of attraction in marriage is a real thing.
• 23:42
  Speaker 2: Did that happen to you when I went?
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: bald Funny.
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: I'm just joking, yeah, that was an honest question.
• 23:47
  Speaker 1: Some people let themselves go, some people get super heavy, some people just stop taking care of themselves the hygiene I mean we actually hear from.
• 23:57
  Speaker 1: Actually, like we hear that from people like hygiene is gone.
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: I'm like, wait, wait, that's a thing.
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: People let themselves go in that area, like that's important.
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: If you've let yourself, I mean I it's just a conversation you need to have in your marriage.
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: like I know you have to be really vulnerable and really honest and it's going to be maybe really painful, but like are you attractive to me?
• 24:18
  Speaker 1: Are you still attracted to me?
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: Like what can I do to be more attractive?
• 24:23
  Speaker 1: And it's not all physical, sometimes right.
• 24:25
  Speaker 1: Like sometimes it's sloppiness, laziness, like there's lots of other things that make a person attractive too, for sure.
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: Person attractive too, so for sure.
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: Loss of attraction.
• 24:39
  Speaker 1: And we're talking right now for high drive wives like is the husband not attracted to her anymore?
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: And what's causing that as a social media?
• 24:45
  Speaker 1: Is it porn?
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: Is it?
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: What are you looking at?
• 24:48
  Speaker 1: Who are you comparing her to?
• 24:50
  Speaker 1: Maybe she has let herself go?
• 24:52
  Speaker 1: I mean, these are just honest conversations, right?
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: Like you gotta, if this is becoming a serious issue in your marriage, you gotta.
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: You gotta dive down into these really honest topics, right?
• 25:02
  Speaker 2: yeah, yeah, you gotta have those conversations and they always talk about and the world's pretty fake out there.
• 25:07
  Speaker 1: So if you're just constantly staring at perfection and then you go home like I don't know what you're looking at, what you're putting in your mind, like that just makes a huge difference in marriage, like I think we need to be careful with that.
• 25:18
  Speaker 1: The next one, like I just said, is pornography use.
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: This is probably I hate to say it one of the top reasons why a man's sexual intimacy with his wife has gone down.
• 25:33
  Speaker 2: Absolutely.
• 25:33
  Speaker 2: Again, it has to be said.
• 25:36
  Speaker 1: It has to be said it has to be said.
• 25:38
  Speaker 2: If a man well, I shouldn't say every man, of course, but if a man has no desire sexually with his wife something's going on.
• 25:46
  Speaker 2: Something's going on, and pornography will absolutely do that.
• 25:50
  Speaker 1: We've heard from many couples that that is a big factor.
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and if you?
• 25:55
  Speaker 2: listen to our episodes we've previously done.
• 25:57
  Speaker 2: We talk about why, but one of them is like the expectations, like if a, if a man's watching these fake women doing these crazy things, you know how?
• 26:07
  Speaker 2: How?
• 26:08
  Speaker 2: How is a spouse going to be able to compete with things that are not real?
• 26:11
  Speaker 1: right, but it rewires their brain too.
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: And then they literally at least I've heard they literally can't get aroused by their own spouse anymore.
• 26:19
  Speaker 2: Yeah correct.
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: You're rewiring your brain to toxic, toxic crap.
• 26:24
  Speaker 1: I don't know, we don't watch it, we've never seen it, I don't even know what people are seeing.
• 26:27
  Speaker 1: But if it's messing you up that bad, that's absolutely going to affect your sex drive.
• 26:32
  Speaker 2: Yeah, for sure.
• 26:33
  Speaker 1: Right, I sex drive.
• 26:38
  Speaker 1: Yeah, for sure, right, like I don't know what's to say.
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: But if your husband is denying you sexually and constantly rejecting, then it could absolutely possibly be from porn absolutely it could be an absolute possibility oh yeah, yeah, that's not.
• 26:53
  Speaker 1: That it could be porn use.
• 26:54
  Speaker 1: You might want to talk about that.
• 26:58
  Speaker 2: It is absolutely.
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: A possibility.
• 27:01
  Speaker 2: Possibly no, you said that right.
• 27:03
  Speaker 1: I don't know what I said.
• 27:04
  Speaker 1: I think they know what I said.
• 27:05
  Speaker 2: You know what she meant.
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: You know what I meant?
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: Okay, the next one Past trauma, past trauma.
• 27:13
  Speaker 1: Please go to therapy.
• 27:15
  Speaker 2: That could be A lot past trauma.
• 27:16
  Speaker 2: Please go to therapy.
• 27:17
  Speaker 2: That could be a lot of huge one.
• 27:18
  Speaker 2: That's a huge one I.
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: We hear things that people have gone through in their childhood and their upbringing and it's just like, oh my gosh, like no wonder you yeah, I don't know how to say it like, please get professional help right.
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: And the last one is medication.
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: Certain medications will cause sexual desire to go bye-bye.
• 27:41
  Speaker 2: And certain medications will cause sexual desire to go up.
• 27:47
  Speaker 1: So those are the reasons sexually rejected all the time or often.
• 28:03
  Speaker 1: Please consider going over that list with your husband and finding out why, Because that is not natural for a man to have zero desire.
• 28:09
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and once you find out the reason why, then you can work together to correct it.
• 28:15
  Speaker 1: Right, we took a podcast poll for the higher drive wife and it says who has the higher sex drive in your marriage and 18% said the wife.
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: So a fifth of our audience, out of a few thousand people that took this, a fifth are higher drive wife.
• 28:30
  Speaker 1: So this is real.
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: This is real.
• 28:33
  Speaker 1: It's painful.
• 28:34
  Speaker 1: Um, we asked the higher drive wife what is it like?
• 28:38
  Speaker 1: Is it positive or negative having the higher drive?
• 28:40
  Speaker 1: Of course it was negative, most of the answers, but I'm just going to list a couple Challenging, mentally, emotionally, messes with you.
• 28:49
  Speaker 1: I hate it.
• 28:50
  Speaker 1: I feel rejected.
• 28:51
  Speaker 1: I feel rejected often.
• 28:53
  Speaker 1: It's frustrating.
• 28:54
  Speaker 1: I don't feel like he's attracted to me.
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: I feel lonely.
• 28:56
  Speaker 1: It's frustrating.
• 28:56
  Speaker 1: I don't feel like he's attracted to me.
• 28:57
  Speaker 1: I feel lonely.
• 28:57
  Speaker 1: It's negative, very frustrating.
• 29:02
  Speaker 1: Early years I've learned how to navigate it better.
• 29:07
  Speaker 1: Negative.
• 29:08
  Speaker 1: I'm just trying to read through these.
• 29:09
  Speaker 1: It's exhausting.
• 29:10
  Speaker 1: I feel like I'm always bothering him.
• 29:11
  Speaker 1: I don't even want to initiate anymore because I'm afraid of rejection.
• 29:14
  Speaker 1: Like you said, yep, I feel like I'm needy a lot.
• 29:19
  Speaker 1: Right, I think a lot of spouses feel like that, like when they're the constant, like initiator, and they get rejected off and they feel like they're needy, right, like you've said that before.
• 29:29
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I totally feel like I'm the more needy one in the relationship.
• 29:33
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean I think a lot of higher drives dry spouses feel like that.
• 29:37
  Speaker 2: I need my girl, I need my girl.
• 29:39
  Speaker 1: Definitely negative.
• 29:40
  Speaker 1: I feel undesired, I feel unwanted.
• 29:42
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it just keeps going.
• 29:45
  Speaker 1: I mean it's usually negative when it's a higher drive wife.
• 29:49
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 29:49
  Speaker 1: For a reason.
• 29:49
  Speaker 1: So anyways, we're going to just talk about a couple things you can do.
• 29:52
  Speaker 1: Like Nick said, sometimes, like you said, you've tried everything and marriage takes two.
• 30:02
  Speaker 1: I don't even know what to say when you've tried everything.
• 30:05
  Speaker 1: But first off, hopefully you can go over that list and figure out the deeper issue.
• 30:08
  Speaker 1: Like here is the top reasons why a spouse would lose their desire.
• 30:13
  Speaker 1: Why, like?
• 30:14
  Speaker 1: What is it?
• 30:15
  Speaker 1: And most women will admit the reason they're the lower drive is probably because of stress or fatigue or not feeling emotionally connected.
• 30:25
  Speaker 1: I mean, it's pretty easy for a wife to be like.
• 30:27
  Speaker 1: This is exactly why I don't want it or I don't enjoy it.
• 30:29
  Speaker 1: Or I don't enjoy it, or I don't enjoy it or, I don't know, my body I mean.
• 30:33
  Speaker 1: But usually if you talk to your spouse and say what is the reason you don't enjoy sex or why you feel like your drive is low, they can usually give you a reason, if they're honest, right.
• 30:42
  Speaker 1: Yeah, give you a reason if they're honest, right, yeah, and the great thing is there's things for that.
• 30:47
  Speaker 1: There's absolutely things for that.
• 30:47
  Speaker 1: So, communication, obviously, which can be really hard, but like, if it, like we said, if it's causing a fight, it's probably something that's really really important, that needs to get talked about um explore underline let's hit on that real quick, and we've said this before.
• 31:04
  Speaker 2: but the natural response is if something causes a fight, people immediately go separate ways and don't talk about it.
• 31:11
  Speaker 1: Because we can't handle fighting.
• 31:12
  Speaker 1: We're not adults, or what?
• 31:14
  Speaker 2: If something causes a fight, that's all the more reason why you need to talk about it.
• 31:19
  Speaker 2: Absolutely.
• 31:20
  Speaker 2: That shows how important it is that something's that important that it's causing conflict.
• 31:25
  Speaker 2: So if something causes a fight, that should be all the more reason to jump in and say, yeah, we're gonna talk about this, we're gonna battle this out.
• 31:34
  Speaker 2: This causes a fight.
• 31:35
  Speaker 2: Let's have the battle and end it.
• 31:37
  Speaker 2: Let's figure out what's what's what, the what, the issue is like I.
• 31:42
  Speaker 1: I'm to a point in our marriage like why would I want to sleep under the rug?
• 31:45
  Speaker 1: Why would I want to just avoid it and constantly have something coming up right?
• 31:51
  Speaker 1: Let's just fix it.
• 31:52
  Speaker 1: That's what commitment is.
• 31:54
  Speaker 1: It's fixing a problem and moving on right.
• 31:56
  Speaker 2: Yeah, for sure.
• 32:00
  Speaker 1: Explore underlying issues.
• 32:02
  Speaker 1: Rejection of marriage can sometimes be a symptom of deeper, underlying issues Stress, like we said, emotional distance, unresolved conflicts.
• 32:11
  Speaker 1: I don't think we really brought up resentment.
• 32:13
  Speaker 2: I think unresolved conflicts or resentment is a big one too.
• 32:16
  Speaker 2: That's a huge one.
• 32:17
  Speaker 2: We've done a poll on this.
• 32:18
  Speaker 2: I don't have it in front of me, but I know that was one of the big reasons that women stated they didn't want to be intimate with their spouse was because of unresolved conflict or resentment.
• 32:31
  Speaker 1: Absolutely.
• 32:31
  Speaker 1: The next one is obvious.
• 32:35
  Speaker 1: It's seek professional help, like there are some really amazing therapists out there that actually want to help you get to the bottom of stuff and actually get better.
• 32:45
  Speaker 1: There's some crappy ones and there's some really good ones.
• 32:48
  Speaker 2: If you can find a really good therapist, if your spouse and if you need a really good one, reach out to us, email us, because we've got a handful, we've got a couple that are absolutely amazing.
• 32:59
  Speaker 1: That and and they're not just up to make money off people they want to help you fix your marriage.
• 33:04
  Speaker 1: They want to see your marriage thrive and to get better and to move on from therapy, like that's the point right yeah, for sure so if you're, if your sex life sucks and you're rejected and you're lonely and you're in pain and you're like getting your heart twisted you know what what I mean.
• 33:23
  Speaker 1: Like if you're feeling those kind of things in marriage for any reason and you can't figure out the underlying issue or get this resolved and it's a constant battle in your marriage, don't be afraid to reach out for a really good therapist and get someone else involved.
• 33:39
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think we often feel like, oh, if we have to go to a therapist, we're failures, and that's not the case at all.
• 33:44
  Speaker 2: Like we, we often need help in different aspects of our lives.
• 33:48
  Speaker 2: I mean, we go to.
• 33:50
  Speaker 2: We go to YouTube all the all the time to teach us how to do something.
• 33:53
  Speaker 2: Why would marriage be any different?
• 33:55
  Speaker 2: If we don't know how to do something or we need to resolve something, it's okay to get help.
• 33:59
  Speaker 2: In fact, I think people that lower their pride and are willing to do that are long-term going to have better marriages.
• 34:07
  Speaker 1: Absolutely, and it doesn't have to be a fixed thing.
• 34:10
  Speaker 1: It could be a maintenance thing too, if you struggle with communication, get to therapy and learn how to get those tools right.
• 34:17
  Speaker 1: The next one is focus on emotional connection.
• 34:20
  Speaker 1: I think this one's important because if you build emotional connection and vulnerability in a safe place and men need this just as much Like men we think that, like the women are the talkers and they need the safe emotional stuff, Like we've had plenty of husbands in our service say sex is emotionally connecting to a lot of them, but they've admitted that they need emotional connection just as much as the woman does.
• 34:45
  Speaker 1: Right, sometimes it's in different ways yeah, but in this case.
• 34:49
  Speaker 1: In this case, if it's a higher drive wife, your husband, unless he's completely checked out, he still needs that friendship, that love, and if he doesn't, please go to a therapist.
• 35:02
  Speaker 1: But he still needs emotional connection too.
• 35:04
  Speaker 1: And if you guys create emotional connection where there's a safe place to talk and communicate, that's why this is so important, because you can't resolve the sexual stuff unless you're in a safe place to share and emotional intimacy comes first, right?
• 35:18
  Speaker 1: And the last one is self-care.
• 35:20
  Speaker 1: Taking care of yourself emotionally and physically, mentally, is key to a healthy relationship.
• 35:27
  Speaker 1: Right like that's gonna impact the emotional and the sexual and the physical intimacy in your marriage exactly, yep that's what I got yeah that's what I got.
• 35:38
  Speaker 1: Like I just my heart goes out to the women that are being sexually rejected because they're missing the sexual and they're missing the emotional.
• 35:47
  Speaker 1: My heart goes out to that Husbands same to you if you're being constantly rejected, like it's still the same thing, right?
• 35:54
  Speaker 1: Like to you you're being sexually rejected, which is also feeling like emotional rejection to you, it just might be swapped correct.
• 36:04
  Speaker 2: Yeah, the bottom line is rejection sucks.
• 36:05
  Speaker 2: So figure out what's going on in your relationship, what's causing the rejection, and get your, get your marriage back on track.
• 36:14
  Speaker 1: Let's have the sexual intimacy you've always wanted and desired, because you can't have that and no one deserves to feel lonely, or or not even just lonely, but like marriage and mediocre.
• 36:24
  Speaker 1: Like you know us, we only believe in a passionate, thriving marriage and if it's not there, get it there, right yeah, I like life's, short life's short, no time for that, no time for boring marriage ain't, nobody got time for that no that's right.
• 36:39
  Speaker 2: so, anyways, hope you enjoyed the podcast.
• 36:42
  Speaker 2: As we're wrapping this up, check out our shop, shopultimateintimacycom, for, again, some great products.
• 36:48
  Speaker 2: If you are a low-desire spouse, a low-desire wife, you have performance anxieties.
• 36:56
  Speaker 2: There are some fantastic products that can really help you enjoy sexual intimacy a lot more.
• 37:02
  Speaker 2: The other night, amy came to me the night after and said hey, do you want to make love?
• 37:09
  Speaker 2: And I was like what in the world?
• 37:10
  Speaker 2: The doubleheader?
• 37:11
  Speaker 2: My point is the intimacy aids are so good that they really can help.
• 37:20
  Speaker 1: They really can help.
• 37:23
  Speaker 2: So let us know if you have any questions on them as well, and, as always, we hope you enjoyed the podcast and until next time.