Latest / UNMASKED with Wesley Farnsworth / EP 67 - Trauma Is Not Your Identity

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EP 67 - Trauma Is Not Your Identity · UNMASKED with Wesley Farnsworth

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I think one of the hardest things about trauma is that it
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doesn't just affect what happened to you.
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Eventually it starts affecting who you believe you are.
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And the shift is subtle. At first.
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Trauma is something that you've experienced, something that
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happened, something that you survived.
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But over time, if it stays unprocessed, it starts moving
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from event to identity. And so instead of saying I went
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through something painful, it quickly becomes I'm broken.
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It quietly becomes I'm broken instead of I was hurt.
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It becomes this is just who I am.
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And before you know it, you stop introducing yourself by who God
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says that you are, and you start identifying and introducing
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yourself by what hurt you. I think a lot of people are
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living like that right now, not because they want to, but
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because pain has been speaking longer than healing has.
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And today I want to sit in that for a moment.
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Welcome to Unmasked, where we take off the filters and get
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real about faith, failure, and finding freedom.
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I'm your host, Wesley Farnsworth, a dad, veteran,
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author, and a man who's learned that God does his best work in
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the middle of our mess. Each episode we have honest
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conversations with people who've walked through addiction, pain,
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or doubt, and with pastors, leaders, and everyday believers
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who are learning to live and lead authentically.
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So take a breath, pull up a chair, and let's get real.
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This is unmasked. You see, trauma has a way of
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changing people. That, in and of itself, should
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not be controversial. It changes how you see the
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world, how you feel safe, how you trust, how you connect, how
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you protect people. And sometimes it changes your
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nervous system too. Sometimes it changes your
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relationships and even your faith.
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See trauma leaves fingerprints, but the danger comes when those
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fingerprints become identity because survival strategies that
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once protected you can become prisons later.
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Hyper vigilance becomes this is who I am shutting down
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emotionally becomes this is my personality.
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Distrust becomes I just don't need people, and eventually the
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coping mechanism becomes the identity.
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See, trauma teaches us stuff too, and that's part of the
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problem. It teaches us lessons.
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Sometimes they're true ones, sometimes they're false ones.
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It teaches us that people aren't safe, that you're on your own,
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that you shouldn't trust, and if you do, don't trust too much.
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It teaches us to stay guarded, to control everything, to never
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be weak. And if nobody helps you process
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those lessons, they start to become beliefs.
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And beliefs become your identity.
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Not overnight, just quietly. 1 experience at a time.
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I think one of the saddest things that trauma does is it
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also becomes the lens. You stop seeing life directly.
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You see life through the wound. Instead, you see life through
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fear, betrayal, loss, and eventually everything gets
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interrupted and eventually everything's get, and eventually
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everything gets interpreted through that filter.
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Love feels dangerous. Vulnerability feels unsafe.
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Hope feels risky. Because trauma isn't just
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remembering pain, it's experience.
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It's expecting pain. Because trauma isn't just
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remembering pain, it's expecting pain.
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Because of people listening aren't living.
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I think some people listening right now aren't living from the
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presence anymore. Instead they're living from
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protection. Think about that.
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Trauma creates identities. The strong one, the invisible
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one, the independent 1, the fixer, the caretaker, the
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performer, the one who never needs help.
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And externally, those identities often look impressive.
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You're seen as responsible, successful, dependable.
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But internally, they're also exhausting.
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Because underneath them, there's someone that is still just
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trying to survive. But there's another layer to
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this too. Sometimes other people reinforce
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trauma, identity. You become known as the addict,
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the abused one, the angry one, the divorced 1, the anxious 1.
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And even if all of those things are part of your story, they
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slowly become your introduction. And even if those things are a
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part of your story, they slowly become your introduction.
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Not because people are trying to be cruel, but because pain
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becomes memorable. But trauma is not meant to
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become your name. Let me say that again.
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Trauma is real. Trauma matters.
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Trauma effects people deeply. But trauma?
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Trauma is not your name, See. But this part is hard.
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Sometimes trauma identity feels safer than healing because
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wounded identities are familiar. They're predictable.
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Healing means change, and change means uncertainty.
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If trauma has shaped your life for years, who are you without
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it? That question scares people
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because trauma identity eventually becomes home, a
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painful home, but a familiar home.
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And familiar often feel safer than freedom.
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And so they choose to stay in it.
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I think some people eventually build their whole life around
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surviving. They build their relationships,
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their language, their identity, their community, everything it
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all around. It all revolves.
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Everything revolves around that wound.
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And eventually, healing feels threatening because it feels
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like losing yourself. Who am I if I'm not the wounded
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one? Who am I if I stop introducing
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myself by what happened? Who am I if trauma no longer
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gets the final word? Those questions are scary to
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ask, but they matter. See, one of the things that I
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absolutely love about Scripture is that Jesus consistently
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separated people from their condition.
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He saw people beyond their labels.
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He looked beyond their wounds and their failures and their
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histories. The woman at the well wasn't
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just her relationships. Peter wasn't just his denial.
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Thomas was not just his doubt. Their struggle mattered, but
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their identity wasn't tied to it.
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And I think some people desperately need permission to
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believe the same thing about themselves.
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Because honestly, healing can feel disorienting.
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You start letting go of old protection, old patterns, old
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labels, and suddenly the person that you've been for years
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doesn't fit anymore. That space feels strange because
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trauma identity gave you certainty, even painful
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certainty, but healing asks you to trust again, and trust it
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feels vulnerable. So I want to slow down here for
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a second because I don't want this episode to be.
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Because I don't want this episode to be misunderstood.
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This episode is not about minimizing trauma.
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Trauma matters a lot. That's why we're doing this
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episode. Trauma deserves honesty,
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compassion, care, and support. See, there's a difference
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though, between honoring pain and building your identity
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around it. One acknowledges the wound, the
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other lives in it forever. And God never calls us to deny
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wounds, but he does call us to bring them somewhere.
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So trauma has a way of affecting faith too, sometimes quite
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deeply. People start asking, where was
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God? Why didn't he stop it?
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Why did this happen? And those are honest questions,
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and honest questions belong in faith.
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But trauma sometimes teaches people that God abandoned them,
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and that wound becomes spiritual identity too.
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They start to feel rejected, forgotten, unseen.
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Friend, I know that may be how it felt, but hear me when I say
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feelings are not always identity.
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I think healing often begins with a realization, not I'm
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healed, just this happened to me, but it is not who I am.
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You see the difference there? That sentence changes things
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because trauma moves from identity back to experience.
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It's still real. It's still painful and it is
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still worthy of care, but it is no longer your name.
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One of the things that recovery has taught me personally is that
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people often walk into healing spaces carrying identities built
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around pain. They carry identities such as
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addict, failure, broken, hopeless, and slowly, through
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honesty, community, faith, and truth, those names begin to fall
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off. It's not instant, but it does
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happen gradually. And what happens and what
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remains underneath is usually someone who forgot who they
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were. So I want to ask something
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difficult here. Who are you?
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Yeah, you listening right now? Who are you?
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Who are you without that thing that hurt you not because it
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didn't matter, but because it shouldn't get the final word?
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Who are you beyond trauma, beyond grief, beyond betrayal,
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beyond addiction? I want you to think about that
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for a second, because that question might be where your
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healing begins. See, I told you before, God does
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not identify us by our trauma, by the things that have happened
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to us. Those are not our identity.
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When God speaks of identity, he speaks of it relationally.
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He calls a son, daughter, beloved, chosen.
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Not because your pain is fake, but because your pain is not
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ultimate. And maybe a part of healing is
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learning how to, and maybe a part of healing is learning how
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to hold on to both truths. This hurt me deeply, but that's
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not who I am. But I don't want you to miss
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this trauma. It does deserve compassion, but
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it does not deserve ownership of your identity.
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There's a difference there. It may explain some things, but
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it does not define everything. You are more than what happened.
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You are more than what hurt. You are more than what broke.
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And maybe today God is inviting you to start believing that
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again. So here's your action step.
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This week. I want you to grab a pen and
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paper and I want you to write the sentence down.
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I want you to write down what happened to me affected me, but
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it is not my identity. Let me say that again, what
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happened to me affected me, but it is not my identity.
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And then underneath that, I want you to ask, what labels have I
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built around my trauma? And then just notice them.
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Don't try and fix them and don't try and rush through it.
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Just reflect on that and be honest, because healing often
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begins when we separate ourselves from the wound.
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Thanks for joining me today on Unmasked.
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If something in this episode spoke to you, don't let it stop
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with you. Share it with the one person
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that God put on your heart while you were listening.
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You never know whose breakthrough might start with
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just a simple message from you. If you want more encouragement,
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you want to work with me one-on-one, or you're interested
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in having me speak at your church or event, you can find
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everything@wesleyfarnsworth.com and make sure you join the
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Unmasked community by connecting with me on social media so that
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we can keep walking this journey together.
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Until next time, Remember that grace is greater than your past
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and real freedom, true freedom, begins the moment that you
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choose to live unmasked. God bless you.