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Ignored RED FLAGS after "I DO" - “Warning Signs” · Relationship Coaching Group Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: This Relationship Coaching Group LLC podcast is for general information and entertainment only, not professional advice.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: The full disclaimer is in our show notes.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome back to your weekly relationship coaching group podcast, where you get your dose of real talk, chuckles, and everything relationships.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_01: Grab your coffee or your steering wheel because today we're breaking down patterns, behaviors, and overlooked warning signs.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_01: So let's get into it.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: You saw the red flags before the wedding.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: You just called them something else.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_01: You called controlling behavior he really cares.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_01: You called emotional unavailability.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_01: He just needs space.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_01: You call disrespect.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: We were just having a bad day.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_01: And maybe you thought once we're married, things will change.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_01: But here's the uncomfortable truth.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_01: Marriage doesn't magically erase relationship problems or issues.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: It often makes the problems you ignored just harder to ignore.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_01: Today we're talking about ignored red flags after I do.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: The behaviors, patterns, and warning signs couples sometimes overlook or ignore before marriage, and then find themselves dealing with it after the honeymoon is over.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: Because love may be blind, but marriage usually turns the lights on.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: I'm Roxanne, your relationship coach specializing in behavior.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_01: And today we're going to talk about the red flags we dismiss, why we dismiss them, and what happens when those little warning signs become huge relationship problems, especially after the I dos.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_01: But before we get into it, I would like to say hello to my co-host, the professor.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: Hello, Professor.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: Hello, hello, hello.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_02: What do you think about our topic today?
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_03: I've got to say, yeah, I'm ready for this one.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_01: You ready?
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_03: Let's get cracking.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: We're going to look at the first warning signs.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_01: There are there are a few.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_01: But this one is the red flag was there.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_01: You just renamed it.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: Again, sometimes we don't ignore the red flags, we give it a nicer name.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_01: Jealousy becomes he's protective.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_01: Controlling behavior becomes she she knows what she wants.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_01: What do you think about those renaming red flags to give it to a little sweet name?
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_01: Like, oh, he's so protective when jealousy is the issue.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_03: You you can dress anything up and call it something else, but at the end of the day, it's still jealousy.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_03: And when you don't look at those for what look at the flags for what they are, then they know in your eyes, they're no longer green flags, they're partially green, or they're orange, or they're purple flags.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_03: We we we want to ignore always the red flags and name them something else to make ourselves comfortable.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_03: To make ourselves feel like we're doing the right thing.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_03: And just calling it for what it is.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_01: And I I kind of misspoke with the controlling behavior.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_01: It's I know what they want.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_01: When they pick out the clothes they should wear, when they pick out where they're going, and the other party has no say-so when they pick out how um the the phone usage and family issues uh becomes controlling because they control.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_01: Uh no, you're not, you're not going to mama this weekend.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_01: You you're not going to your cousin's barbecue this weekend because they have a lot of rowdy people.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_01: So I I don't want you and I don't want you there.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_01: And there's too many singles, too many single people there.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: Controlling.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: But they let all this go.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_01: And what uh what about poor poor communication?
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_01: It becomes, uh, that's how that's just how they are.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_01: They they don't they don't speak too much.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_01: Uh they're they're very quiet.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_03: We it's human behavior to take the things we don't like, and and this is typical traits in people who want to to make their habits good ha the the habits that they know that are bad habits, but they want to make them good habits.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_03: So they just rename it and make an excuse for it.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_03: And the more you keep doing it, the more normal it becomes to that person.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_03: Whether it's a man or a woman, it becomes normal.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_03: You keep doing it and doing it and doing it.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_03: And then one day you can't give an excuse for it, and now it becomes an issue.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_03: Right, right.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_03: But you've been given an excuse for it all this time.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: And you know what?
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_01: Family really recognize family and close friends, they really they recognize the red flags that you're ignoring, and they try to help you because they say he doesn't really talk that much, or he doesn't let you talk that much.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: And families, again, families and close friends, they they give you these red flags, and you just kind of poo-poo it away.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_01: Like he's just not good at his at his expressing himself, so or he's um a little sh a little bit shy.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, and there's a difference between, because we've addressed this with it's a difference between your family not liking them and you know, it's pointing out subtle little things.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_03: Because sometimes families will say, you know, it's kind of standoffish, or she's here they're in the corner, or she doesn't want to, she doesn't like us, you know, and they not mean anything bad by it, but we take it bad because that they don't like them, they just don't like that person.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_03: But sometimes family can see what you can't see and friends, but we're not talking about we're talking about the good parts that your family wants to give.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_03: Because sometimes family can stare you down a river over the mountain and not good.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_03: So, you know, you you you know when it's genuine.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_01: Right, right, right.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_01: And what what about disrespect when sometimes it's shown around family, it's shown around friend friends, and they'll say, Oh, he he he really doesn't talk to you, or they really don't talk to you very nice.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_03: You know what they do is that when people are being disrespected, and I this I see this even just in grocery stores, people in line, waiting and frustrated, they say things, and then the other person will laugh it off, like they're just having a bad day, they're just joking around.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_03: There's a difference between disrespect and a joke.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_03: It can sound the same sometimes because in your head that's what you're hearing.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_03: But the people around you are going, dang, oh wow, did she just say that?
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_01: And and they'll they'll come up, they'll come up with excuses and saying, Oh, you just maybe he's just having a bad day, or that's just his personality.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_01: He doesn't mean anything by it.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: You know, they just again poo-poo it away.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_03: I love how you say just poo-poo it foo.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_03: You are just so nice with your words.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_03: Well, that's let's just call it what it is.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_02: They just shit it away.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, here's a note the label of marriage doesn't change the behavior.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_01: But sometimes they think they think it will change.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_03: First, before you before you continue, I'm gonna ask you a question.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_03: Why do people take that word marriage and they just think it's going to solve all their problems?
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, as I said before, it it will magically change things.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: It will ma magically make that the the marriage will magically make things right.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_01: So they think.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_01: But why?
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_03: Why why do they walk around?
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_03: Why do they feel like, well, well, when we get married, it's gonna be better.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_01: And that's what we're here to try to show that it does not change.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_01: If they're that way before the IDUs, you're gonna really see it after the I do's.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_01: And and we've seen where people have been together for 10 years and then they get married, and it may not even last two years because all these things that they saw before they thought would magically change, but it doesn't.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_01: It just exposes even sometimes even more so who they are.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_01: Now, calling a red flag a quirk is like calling bread crumbing staying in touch.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_01: The crumbs do not lead to a relationship.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_01: You can drop all those little crumbs, but it's not gonna lead you to a relationship.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_03: Like when and uh the behavior, I mean, this is your department, you're your you this is what she does.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_03: She's so good at this.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_03: But people's behavior, when you see the way that people behave and they they've they've been through so much with this person, and they still go get married, and they forget everything that's happened because they think the moment they say I do, right, everything changes.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_01: They'll wave that magic wand, or the the minister will wave that magic wand, and it's all done.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_01: It's all good.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_03: It's all it's like a new thing.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_03: Everything's new, we're starting fresh.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_03: And yet that's not what happened.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_03: No, no, no, no.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_03: It's amplified.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_03: It it is, it is because it's now there's a stamp on it that says, I can and I can do it more because I own you.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_03: You're you you're you belong to me.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_01: I I stamped that that that certificate.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I put my stamp on it.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_01: But and as you're saying, they here they think this is uh another little warning.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_01: I thought marriage would change them.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_01: That this is one of the biggest relationships faux pas or traps that you could ever get yourself into.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_01: Marriage is gonna change them.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_01: No, people sometimes believe that marriage is gonna make them more responsible.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_01: Or, well, we're gonna have a baby and that will make them more mature.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_03: And we've discussed that.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_03: We've discussed yes, we had that on that one of our podcasts.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_03: But it it's if the if he or she is cheating now, and you decide that you're gonna get married because you think it will make him more make him or her more grounded.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_03: No.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, yeah.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_03: If that's like marrying a bank robber and saying, Oh, when we get married, they're not gonna rob any more banks.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_02: Really?
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_02: If this is his profession, oh this is his profession.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_03: And and that and we you have this is why we talk about in we've said this in other episodes, where if you're when you start dating and you start meeting people, you start asking questions, start looking beyond the glitter.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, yes, and start looking and asking questions.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_03: And we've talked about this many times because the deeper you go into this relationship, your feelings start kicking in more and more and more, but you you have to have control over that to learn and get past the shiny stuff, the glitter, yeah.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_03: The glitter and the oh, oh, he's so oh my god, the dimples, oh my god, she's so fine.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_03: You're gonna get past that because when that time comes and it turns into a marriage thing, you know who you're marrying.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, yes.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_01: And and other misconceptions is that living together will make them communicate and be with me more, you know, because prior to being married, you they're out with the boys or they're they're just out, and they think that, yeah, big because we're married, now you're going to be with me more.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_01: You're gonna talk to me more.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_01: And then a a wedding ring will make them more faithful.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_01: And what about more time together will make them appreciate me?
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_01: Now, marriage isn't a rehabilitation program, and a ring isn't a repair kit.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_01: And that the truth.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_03: You couldn't that you couldn't have said that any better.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_01: Here's another one.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_01: Putting a ring on someone's finger doesn't change who the person is anymore than putting a leash on a pig changes it to a dog.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_03: You remember that song that when it came out put a ring on it?
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_03: And all the ladies were, oh, put a ring on it.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_03: There's no before.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_03: There's no who is this person before you want to put a ring on it.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_03: We're seeing now people getting married at 18, 19, and well, we've been together all through high school.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_03: We love each other.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_03: You don't know shit about each other.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_01: And you haven't really lived.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_02: No.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_01: So we yeah, we're gonna we're gonna have to do a topic on young love.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_01: But here's a question that that our listeners can ask themselves are you marrying the person they are or the person you hope they'll become?
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_01: And we we touched on that topic on several of our other podcasts.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_01: You know, uh who they are now, who they're showing you who they are now, that's who they are.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_01: You know, don't expect them to change.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_01: And in some cases, they do.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_01: Some do.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_03: Some guys and women will change and and strive to be better in the relationship.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_03: We're not this again, whenever we we talk, we always want to make it clear, we're not putting everybody in a in a box and saying this is how everybody is.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_03: Because men, women, they all do it.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_03: There's this there's no difference.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_03: But the the thing is, is that we have to look beyond all of the glitter and the the sexy and everything else and look at for who the person they really are.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_03: And that's hard for people to do.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes it is, sometimes it is.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_01: And chemistry can hide compatibility problems.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_01: That's another that's another sign.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_01: You can have incredible chemistry with someone and still have major differences.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_01: For instance, in you can have differences in communication, finances, family boundaries, parenting, sex and intimacy, religion or values, lifestyle, commitment, conflict resolution.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, just because you have the chemistry doesn't always mean compatibility follows.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_03: I don't even remember a little while back we met a lady that had she had uh the relationship was was terrible.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_03: The only thing she had good to say about it was the sex.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_03: You remember her?
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, yes, yes, yes.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_03: The sex was great.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, the sex is good.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_02: And they weren't they weren't young people she wasn't young either.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_03: And here's the crazy thing is is that again, we're we're basing the relationship off of the physical.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_02: That's the chemistry.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_03: They had great chemistry, but they were not compatible.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_03: Because, oh, you know, great sex.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_03: We had my great micro sex.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_03: That's not sex is not the relationship, right?
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_03: If you you know that's just the fireworks, yeah.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_03: But what happens when you After the fireworks, once the fireworks is over, then we're back to normal business here, right?
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_03: So, you know, that that's it.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_03: You've got your pre-wire fireworks show, you've got your fireworks, and then that's it.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_03: It's then for a cigarette and a burrito.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_03: You know, come on.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_03: It's well, we've we've got to start learning, and a lot of this comes from experience, but a lot of it is common sense.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_01: But you would think that as it this was a mature person, a mature person.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_01: But you would think that common sense would have set in by then.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_01: But no, sometimes that chemistry is so strong that they just ignore everything else until it cannot be ignored.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_01: Because chemistry tells you how you feel together.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_01: Whereas compatibility tells you how you function together.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_03: Absolutely.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_03: Say that one more time, please.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_01: Chemistry tells you how you feel together, the feelings, whereas compatibility tells you how you function together.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_03: And that's that's you're hitting the nail right there.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_03: It's how do you both function together?
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_02: Because if you can't function together, then the feelings will eventually die out over the functionality of a relationship.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_03: You've got to be able to function together where you can you there's couples that work together, live together, see each other every day, and they have a great relationship.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_01: They can function together, they've learned to function together.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_01: They have a lot of similarities with with the finance, you know, they think alike.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_03: But if you if you don't have that, then it doesn't last long.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_01: You'll start seeing the flaws.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_01: Because butterflies are wonderful.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_01: But guess what?
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_01: Butterflies don't pay the mortgage.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_01: You can have those, oh, he gives me butterflies.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_01: But again, when you start looking at real life, when finances take place, when communication needs to be uh fluent, when boundaries need to be set, and parenting, all these all these lifestyles that come together.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_01: So, what about the the honeymoon can hide the warning signs?
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_01: Because here's the thing the excitement of dating and engagement can create a temporary bubble, but reality arrives when well the the reality arrives, the bills, the in-laws, the stress, careers, household, all these things, children, illnesses, different expectations.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_01: Then you start wondering, wait, who did I marry?
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_03: And that's what we call the relationship bubble pop.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_03: When it pops, that's it.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_03: And you you can if you just look at history, look at our financial history, you know, when everything's going good and then there's a financial bubble and then it pops and everything goes to hell.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_03: Yep.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_03: It's no different in the relationship.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_03: Exactly.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_03: Everything goes to hell because we have put these expectations and we we give these forgivenesses, but all of that could be avoided if we just listened, looked, and made adjustments.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_01: Now, here's the funny uh dating can be the movie trailer.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_01: Marriage is the full-length feature starring two ordinary people fighting over the TV remote and arguing over the thermostat.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_01: And so there's your song.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_01: Now, here's here's another uh another warning.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_01: How do you handle conflict before marriage matters?
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_01: It does matter.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_01: Pay attention to what happens when someone doesn't get their weight.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_01: And here's the thing.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_03: Typically you're dating, you might stay in each other's place for a little bit.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_03: And we take that as that we know them because they've stayed with you for the weekend or stay with you for the week, or they may have moved in.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_03: And there's no expectation because neither one has made any form of commitment, but we think we dress it up and call it commitment because we're living together.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_01: And you have to look at this again, how do they handle rejection?
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_01: How do they handle uh uh arguments?
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_01: All these things really, really matter.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_03: Because when you get married, that label puts everything in perspective.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_03: You have your little honeymoon surface, everything's great, but then The nuts and bolts of marriage starts kicking in.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_01: So look at these things before the I do's and and again, how they react before.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_01: When you know, when there's conflict, when there's disagreement, when someone wants one thing and the other wants the other.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_01: Do they shut down?
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_01: Do they yell?
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_01: Manipulate, blame, give the silent treatment, threaten the relationship, apologize and repair, listen and compromise.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_01: You have to look at these things to determine whether you want to go through with a marriage, because again, that ring that I do will not change who they are prior to.
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_01: And conflict style is often more revealing than romantic chemistry.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_01: As we were just talking about, that chemistry is great, but their their conflict style of solving conflicts are it's gonna that's gonna that's a telltale sign of who they are.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_03: And the the thing here is when you do your coaching, and especially for couples who are getting getting thinking about getting married, and you do these couples coaching, pre-married coaching.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_03: You talk about that.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_03: You talk about communication.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_03: What are the things that you like and don't like about each other?
• 23:33
  SPEAKER_03: What is the things that drive you nuts?
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_03: And these these and you'd be surprised how people bypass these things just from leaving the socks on the floor.
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_03: Well, I've been picking it up, it doesn't bother me, but it does bother you.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_03: You know, you don't put the toilet seat down, all these things bother people, but then those little bothers turn into bigger bothers.
• 23:55
  SPEAKER_01: Right, because sometimes they don't really want to admit what's what bothers them.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_01: Because they're in that hunt, they're in that phase of getting married.
• 24:05
  SPEAKER_03: They're in that bubble.
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_03: That wonderful bubble.
• 24:09
  SPEAKER_03: Until it bursts, until you get that, and that's it.
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_01: You know, anybody can say, I love you, when everything is peaches and cream.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_01: The real test is who you become when the peaches are gone, the cream has soured, and your partner is constantly reminding you that the rent is due.
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_01: Ooh.
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_01: So, you know, all this lovey dovey dovey stuff is fine.
• 24:36
  SPEAKER_01: But when reality hit, rent is due, mortgage is due, um, the the children need clothes for for school, or the baby needs more pampers.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_03: We talk about you know, kids.
• 24:52
  SPEAKER_03: We've done an episode kids in pre before marriage, all this stuff.
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_03: And you you marry somebody who's not there for the kids, is running in the streets like they're still a young person enjoying life, but you still marry them.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 25:09
  SPEAKER_03: The signs were there, but you still want to marry them.
• 25:11
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_03: So, you know, it there comes a point when you gotta say to yourself, is the person I'm marrying marriage material?
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 25:21
  SPEAKER_03: Or should I run?
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_01: And you know, we talk about finances because a lot of time they they uh they don't realize how important and how significant being financially compatible is one wants to spend, the other wants to save.
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_01: One with one is spending the rent money, the other one is trying to save.
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_03: And and then when that savings, that that savings account is come is constantly being depleted because the other one wants to spend remnants on the car, I want to put a stereo in, or I wanna, I want to this, or I want to get that, I want a new PlayStation, or I want a new dress.
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_03: And this is one of the classes I teach is the financial.
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_03: And finances plays a huge part in real.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_03: And because when you're dating, you each put that money in for the rent, or you pay the rent, they paid the electricity and gas, you know, it was just you lived willy-nilly.
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_03: It was it was great, it was fun, but then now life is marriage is done, your your honeymoon is over, you're moving into your new apartment, apartment, and now it starts real reality starts hitting.
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 26:39
  SPEAKER_01: Because one can be very irresponsible and the other responsible, you know, and it's sad when they're both irresponsible, but the worst the worst ones is the one that's really thrifty and don't like spending money, and the one that loves to spend money.
• 26:55
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, that's the worst combination.
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_03: That's yeah, that's gonna cost problems.
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_03: The second worst combination is the ones where they both just spend money because a lot of people don't remember checks.
• 27:09
  SPEAKER_03: Remember when you had a checkbook?
• 27:10
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, balance your checkbook.
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_03: Right, you know, and a lot of people will go, I still have checks, you know.
• 27:16
  SPEAKER_03: Just because you got checks or you've got credit cards don't mean that you got money.
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_03: Right, especially if you use it.
• 27:23
  SPEAKER_03: It's a lot, it's right.
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_03: And that's what the problem is, is that you know, we we we live vicariously because we think that tomorrow's gonna be good, tomorrow's gonna be a better day.
• 27:33
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 27:34
  SPEAKER_03: So finances play a huge part in success.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_01: And another that is all all these issues that we're bringing up plays a big part in the after I do's and even the before the I do's disrespect.
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_01: Disrespect doesn't become respect just because you're married.
• 27:54
  SPEAKER_01: Don't normalize disrespect simply because you've exchanged vows.
• 27:59
  SPEAKER_01: And and we we want to talk about after the I do's, but all these things should be looked at before the I do's because marriage is a commitment, but commitment doesn't mean accepting unhealthy behavior.
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_02: I just want to address disrespect.
• 28:16
  SPEAKER_02: Disrespect.
• 28:17
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, don't ignore it.
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_03: Please do not ignore it.
• 28:22
  SPEAKER_03: When a man calls a woman a bitch or a hoe, or you know, you it it's it's degrading.
• 28:29
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes the the woman is calling the man then.
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, and I don't know.
• 28:34
  SPEAKER_03: I'm gonna address both.
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_03: But you know, when a man calls a woman out of her name, it's disrespectful, it's degrading, and it it lowers a woman's value.
• 28:44
  SPEAKER_03: But when a woman does it to a man, people, women will say, uh, suck it up, it's not a big deal.
• 28:52
  SPEAKER_03: It is, because when a man when a woman tells a man you ain't shit, you ain't a man, you're just a punk bitch, and all this stuff, it's the same thing.
• 29:01
  SPEAKER_03: That's just break, it's disrespect.
• 29:03
  SPEAKER_03: You break a man down.
• 29:05
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 29:06
  SPEAKER_03: Because here he is, and you may be, you know, that boss chick, and and you got this man, and he's just a regular dude who goes to work, and then you slam him every time he does something wrong.
• 29:17
  SPEAKER_03: You you're breaking him down.
• 29:19
  SPEAKER_03: And it's it's vice versa.
• 29:21
  SPEAKER_03: There's no it's a woman thing or a man thing.
• 29:23
  SPEAKER_03: It happens across the board.
• 29:25
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 29:25
  SPEAKER_01: Disrespect is disrespect on on all on both sides.
• 29:29
  SPEAKER_01: And we're talking about what professor just said name-calling, public humiliation, belittling, constant criticism, dismissiveness, humiliation, and controlling behavior.
• 29:42
  SPEAKER_01: All these all these equal disrespect.
• 29:45
  SPEAKER_01: And the key point is healthy commitment and healthy boundaries can exist together.
• 29:52
  SPEAKER_01: Healthy commitment and healthy boundaries can exist together.
• 29:57
  SPEAKER_01: So just take that note.
• 29:59
  SPEAKER_01: Now, another area we want to touch on is for instance, we've been together for so long.
• 30:07
  SPEAKER_01: This is where feelings of being stuck can come into relationships.
• 30:12
  SPEAKER_01: That you think because you've been together for so long, that you don't have a voice, you don't have a choice of whether you stay or whether you go.
• 30:23
  SPEAKER_01: And they may say we've been married for 10 years, so I can't leave this marriage no matter how rough it is.
• 30:31
  SPEAKER_01: Remember that gentleman?
• 30:32
  SPEAKER_03: 18 years that we're together.
• 30:34
  SPEAKER_03: 18 years, and they broke up, but he still wants to keep trying to give it a go.
• 30:43
  SPEAKER_03: But we've been together 18 years, we've been together 18 years.
• 30:46
  SPEAKER_03: Doesn't matter how long you've been together.
• 30:49
  SPEAKER_03: You can't fix somebody else's bad behaviors, right?
• 30:54
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 30:54
  SPEAKER_03: But you want to justify the time to try and fix things.
• 30:58
  SPEAKER_03: Exactly.
• 30:59
  SPEAKER_03: Time doesn't fix these things, it's gotta be fixed now.
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_01: Very good.
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_01: Time invested doesn't automatically make a relationship healthy.
• 31:09
  SPEAKER_03: Just what you're saying.
• 31:10
  SPEAKER_03: And just yet, you know, but we've worked together for so long.
• 31:14
  SPEAKER_03: Uh I don't have show notes.
• 31:17
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know what's happening in the show, nothing.
• 31:20
  SPEAKER_03: This I I'm blindsided every time we come on because we want to just keep the reactions real.
• 31:25
  SPEAKER_03: So, you know, this just shows you how we're both on the same plane here.
• 31:30
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, yes.
• 31:32
  SPEAKER_01: You know, just because the time is there, the years are there, and so many people do stay in a unhealthy, uh, disrespectful marriage or relationship because of the years they put into it.
• 31:50
  SPEAKER_01: Years mean nothing.
• 31:51
  SPEAKER_01: No, it it does it doesn't mean, oh, you know, it's it's healthy.
• 31:55
  SPEAKER_03: But a lot of people stay in it because now they don't have the strength, they don't have the willpower to come out of it because now they're so broken and beaten down, it's just like uh it is what it is.
• 32:11
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 32:12
  SPEAKER_01: And just because you've been in the wrong relationship for three years doesn't mean you stay in it for another three.
• 32:19
  SPEAKER_01: You know, it's like Professor Off thirty.
• 32:21
  SPEAKER_01: It's like realizing you're on the wrong train, but deciding to stay on it anyway because you've already paid the ticket.
• 32:29
  SPEAKER_03: But the sad thing is that is so true.
• 32:32
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, that is so true.
• 32:34
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, but that that is such a great analogy because that is so true.
• 32:39
  SPEAKER_03: We stay on that train to the end, uh, because I I've I I've invested in it, so I might as well just stay on that train.
• 32:44
  SPEAKER_01: May as well just and yeah, and that's not the case.
• 32:46
  SPEAKER_01: Be and a lot of times is because they said I do, they feel they they're stuck.
• 32:52
  SPEAKER_01: Don't be stuck with disrespect, don't be just stuck with uh with unhelp being unhealthy in an unhealthy relationship.
• 33:01
  SPEAKER_03: The red flags are there from the get-go.
• 33:06
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 33:07
  SPEAKER_03: It's just that do you see it?
• 33:10
  SPEAKER_03: Because two things happen.
• 33:11
  SPEAKER_03: You don't see it, the other person's trying to cover up the red flags, but red flags always show.
• 33:18
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 33:18
  SPEAKER_03: They may cover it up and and and put some sprinkle and a little cherry on top, but it's still a red flag.
• 33:25
  SPEAKER_03: You've got to be aware enough of everything that goes around you and look at the data.
• 33:31
  SPEAKER_03: It's there in front of you.
• 33:32
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 33:33
  SPEAKER_01: And listen, what about this?
• 33:35
  SPEAKER_01: What happens when the butterflies die?
• 33:37
  SPEAKER_01: What happens when the bubble bursts?
• 33:39
  SPEAKER_01: What happens when the chemistry turns out to be arsenic?
• 33:44
  SPEAKER_03: It stinks.
• 33:47
  SPEAKER_03: A lot of dead stuff.
• 33:48
  SPEAKER_01: It stinks you know what what happens when when all this uh fades away?
• 33:56
  SPEAKER_01: What do you have?
• 33:57
  SPEAKER_01: And stop asking, how do I make them change?
• 34:02
  SPEAKER_01: That's enough.
• 34:04
  SPEAKER_01: Ask yourself, what behavior am I accepting?
• 34:07
  SPEAKER_02: That's like asking a mass murderer, can you change?
• 34:10
  SPEAKER_02: Stop.
• 34:11
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 34:13
  SPEAKER_03: You're not, you cannot.
• 34:15
  SPEAKER_03: A person has to change because they want to change.
• 34:18
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 34:19
  SPEAKER_03: It's a lot of times we we have those friends that are addicted to stuff, and we stay in their lives because we want to help them and change them.
• 34:29
  SPEAKER_03: But the old saying goes, you can't bring a horse to order or make it drink.
• 34:32
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 34:33
  SPEAKER_03: The person has to want to change.
• 34:36
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 34:36
  SPEAKER_01: You can't make yeah, you can't make them change.
• 34:39
  SPEAKER_03: You can't um, you know, you have to is to point it out and say, hey, look, let's say something happened, you're dating, and this person keeps canceling on you and rescheduling and kind of blowing you off, then after one or two times now, you need to address that.
• 34:58
  SPEAKER_03: You know, say, hey, listen, you you've done this three times now.
• 35:01
  SPEAKER_03: You know, it I don't like that.
• 35:03
  SPEAKER_01: And a lot of people are afraid to speak up.
• 35:06
  SPEAKER_01: Speak up.
• 35:07
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 35:08
  SPEAKER_01: But are you tolerating disrespect?
• 35:10
  SPEAKER_01: Are you excusing behaviors?
• 35:12
  SPEAKER_01: Are your boundaries being crossed?
• 35:16
  SPEAKER_01: And are you accepting anything that comes to you?
• 35:20
  SPEAKER_01: Communicating.
• 35:22
  SPEAKER_01: Are you guys communicating?
• 35:24
  SPEAKER_01: Now, realizing what you should and should not accept nor tolerate is a powerful self-awareness.
• 35:32
  SPEAKER_01: You have to be self-aware of what you need, of what you want, of what you're not getting, and of what you're not putting out.
• 35:42
  SPEAKER_01: You know, if you're not bringing something to the relationship, kindness, um, communicating properly, and all these fair things that make relationships work.
• 35:54
  SPEAKER_01: If you're the one nagging and being a bitch all the time, or whether it's the male, female, bitch, you know, there's if you if you're acting up in the relationship and not giving giving your part to make it work, then uh counseling would would help.
• 36:15
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 36:15
  SPEAKER_03: You you need counseling, you need coaching, you need something.
• 36:19
  SPEAKER_03: And a lot of people don't want to do coaching because they're like, I I don't need that.
• 36:23
  SPEAKER_03: I it's it's there's no problem.
• 36:26
  SPEAKER_03: You just need to do this, and then we put it back on the other person like it's their fault.
• 36:30
  SPEAKER_03: You know, if the relationship is not going right, don't make excuses for the other person, get some help.
• 36:37
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 36:38
  SPEAKER_03: And if that other person doesn't want to do the help with you, then it's time to let it go.
• 36:43
  SPEAKER_03: But we're afraid to let it go because we don't want to be alone, right.
• 36:48
  SPEAKER_03: And we've addressed this before with on one of our other podcasts.
• 36:53
  SPEAKER_03: We want somebody in our lives.
• 36:54
  SPEAKER_03: It's nice to have them, right?
• 36:56
  SPEAKER_03: But don't settle and sacrifice yourself because of something you want, but it's not the right thing for you.
• 37:05
  SPEAKER_01: Right, right.
• 37:06
  SPEAKER_01: And the difference, but there's a difference between a flaw and a pattern.
• 37:12
  SPEAKER_01: Everyone, we all have flaws.
• 37:15
  SPEAKER_01: The issue isn't whether your spouse makes mistakes, the issue would be if it's a repeated pattern, because we all make mistakes.
• 37:23
  SPEAKER_01: We all again, we all have flaws, but a mistake followed by accountability and change behavior is different from a mistake apology promises, a mistake, apology, promises.
• 37:37
  SPEAKER_01: You know, if that pattern is repeated, and then you get the apology and you you uh and you get the promises, it won't happen again.
• 37:47
  SPEAKER_01: If that's repeated, take note.
• 37:50
  SPEAKER_01: Hello.
• 37:51
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, don't confuse a flaw with a pattern.
• 37:53
  SPEAKER_01: A flaw explains behavior, a pattern predicts it.
• 37:58
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, well, he's he's he's out with his buddies again Friday night.
• 38:03
  SPEAKER_01: I know it's gonna happen.
• 38:04
  SPEAKER_01: He's gonna come in drunk, and you know, and who knows what what he what they were doing when they were out.
• 38:11
  SPEAKER_01: So what look out for patterns, unhealthy patterns.
• 38:15
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 38:16
  SPEAKER_03: Patterns tell everything.
• 38:18
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 38:19
  SPEAKER_03: And you you but again, put the the right glasses on for the right situation.
• 38:26
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 38:27
  SPEAKER_03: Stop putting the the shiny glasses on for everything to be shiny in your life.
• 38:33
  SPEAKER_03: Put the reality ones on that shows you what's going on, so you can stop and take a step back and say, uh-uh, I don't want to live this.
• 38:41
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 38:41
  SPEAKER_03: I'm I'm gonna stop this now.
• 38:43
  SPEAKER_03: Right, right.
• 38:44
  SPEAKER_03: Because being alone is okay.
• 38:47
  SPEAKER_03: Being with someone that's there to motivate you and boost you and be a partner and and grow together, that's the type of person you want.
• 38:55
  SPEAKER_03: Exactly.
• 38:56
  SPEAKER_03: But if that's that you that pattern still keeps going and going and going, and they say, Oh, I'm sorry, I'm gonna do better, won't happen again.
• 39:05
  SPEAKER_03: And then a month down the road it happens again and it happens again, and you keep forgiving it what you've just done.
• 39:10
  SPEAKER_03: You've just given them a pass to keep doing it.
• 39:13
  SPEAKER_01: Right, right.
• 39:13
  SPEAKER_01: You the boundaries, you have to have boundaries.
• 39:17
  SPEAKER_01: And you know, the the I do isn't the end of the relationship, it's the beginning of the work.
• 39:23
  SPEAKER_01: Marriage shouldn't be seen as we got each other, mission accomplished.
• 39:28
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 39:29
  SPEAKER_02: Oh my god, we're sleep together now.
• 39:32
  SPEAKER_01: No, no, it marriage is hard work, it is, and it should be looked at as we chose each other.
• 39:39
  SPEAKER_01: Now let's continue to choose to treat each other with respect.
• 39:44
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 39:45
  SPEAKER_01: That's where the work begins, and that's when you know you're on the right track.
• 39:50
  SPEAKER_03: Absolutely.
• 39:51
  SPEAKER_03: I I tell people when you get married, this is the start of really getting to know each other.
• 39:58
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 39:59
  SPEAKER_03: And it's just like a business.
• 40:01
  SPEAKER_03: It takes a few years for the business to get established, and it's the same thing in a marriage.
• 40:06
  SPEAKER_03: It takes a couple years for everything to get established and to get working right.
• 40:10
  SPEAKER_03: And then once you get it working right, you keep building on that right.
• 40:14
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 40:14
  SPEAKER_03: And you keep building on that right.
• 40:16
  SPEAKER_03: And it gets to a point as you've been married, you know, several years, it gets doesn't get easy.
• 40:23
  SPEAKER_03: It gets easy, but in a different type of way.
• 40:26
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 40:26
  SPEAKER_03: There's always work.
• 40:28
  SPEAKER_03: It's always working.
• 40:28
  SPEAKER_03: You never give up on the work, but it gets easier in the fact that it you don't have to expect them to be, okay, are they doing the right thing?
• 40:38
  SPEAKER_03: No, they're doing the right thing.
• 40:39
  SPEAKER_03: They're there, they're they're showing up, they're emotionally there, available.
• 40:44
  SPEAKER_03: Those become just natural things because you've been doing it for so long.
• 40:49
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 40:49
  SPEAKER_03: But when you put up with the bad behavior constantly, that that you can't, that's not life.
• 40:55
  SPEAKER_01: There's not much to work with when that happens.
• 40:58
  SPEAKER_01: Now, the the wedding is a one-day celebration, right?
• 41:01
  SPEAKER_01: But the relationship is a like you're saying, is a daily commitment.
• 41:06
  SPEAKER_01: Daily commitment.
• 41:08
  SPEAKER_01: The wedding is the beginning, the relationship is the journey.
• 41:12
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 41:12
  SPEAKER_03: And that journey should be a nice.
• 41:15
  SPEAKER_03: Are there gonna be stumbles along the way?
• 41:18
  SPEAKER_03: Absolutely.
• 41:19
  SPEAKER_03: Absolutely.
• 41:20
  SPEAKER_03: There's gonna be things along the way that's gonna test your marriage, but it's on how you handle that together.
• 41:27
  SPEAKER_03: Right, and it's gonna test your sanity too.
• 41:29
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 41:30
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, uh there's there's no such thing as a perfect.
• 41:33
  SPEAKER_03: If if there's that someone out there who's got a perfect marriage, I'm I'm super happy for you.
• 41:37
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 41:38
  SPEAKER_03: But reality, there's no such thing as a perfect marriage.
• 41:40
  SPEAKER_01: And hit us up so so we can we can pass that secret on.
• 41:44
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 41:45
  SPEAKER_03: Whatever the secret sources tell us.
• 41:47
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 41:48
  SPEAKER_03: But you it takes work, it takes dedication, it takes communication, and it takes wanting.
• 41:54
  SPEAKER_03: Each person has to want to do it.
• 41:57
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 41:57
  SPEAKER_01: Now, Professor, I have something for you.
• 41:59
  SPEAKER_03: Go for it.
• 42:00
  SPEAKER_01: And and the the listeners can can play along as as we go.
• 42:04
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna list some some situations, and you tell me if it's a human flaw or if it's a red flag.
• 42:13
  SPEAKER_01: Are you ready?
• 42:14
  SPEAKER_03: Far away.
• 42:14
  SPEAKER_03: I'm gonna fail this test.
• 42:18
  SPEAKER_01: No idea I was gonna do this.
• 42:20
  SPEAKER_02: Wow.
• 42:20
  SPEAKER_01: But but but listeners can play along.
• 42:22
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 42:23
  SPEAKER_01: Forgetting an anniversary once.
• 42:26
  SPEAKER_01: Flaw or red flag?
• 42:28
  SPEAKER_01: Flaw.
• 42:28
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 42:29
  SPEAKER_01: Refusing to ever apologize.
• 42:32
  SPEAKER_01: Red flag.
• 42:33
  SPEAKER_01: Being messy.
• 42:35
  SPEAKER_01: Human.
• 42:36
  SPEAKER_01: Flaw.
• 42:37
  SPEAKER_01: Human flaw.
• 42:38
  SPEAKER_01: Constantly monitoring your phone.
• 42:40
  SPEAKER_01: Red flag.
• 42:42
  SPEAKER_01: Get frustrated easily.
• 42:45
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's kind of a red flag.
• 42:47
  SPEAKER_02: I I would I would probably have to say it's a flaw.
• 42:49
  SPEAKER_02: You know, you sometimes we get constant and that becomes a red flag.
• 42:53
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, but yeah, if you get frustrated.
• 42:55
  SPEAKER_02: Maybe we get frustrated, but it's all the time.
• 42:58
  SPEAKER_02: Then that's a red flag.
• 42:59
  SPEAKER_02: It's a red flag.
• 43:00
  SPEAKER_02: Lying frequently.
• 43:02
  SPEAKER_02: Well, that's both human beings.
• 43:05
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, for you, Professor.
• 43:07
  SPEAKER_03: No.
• 43:09
  SPEAKER_03: But believe it or not, but over the years, lying has become normal.
• 43:17
  SPEAKER_03: We and and it's and it again, we've we social media, we've talked about this.
• 43:22
  SPEAKER_03: It's becomes normal to lie to make yourself look better so that person sees you in a different light.
• 43:31
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, but if you're in a relationship and you're lying frequently, yes.
• 43:36
  SPEAKER_03: There should be no lie.
• 43:37
  SPEAKER_01: And you're catching them in the lie frequently, then that's kind of a red flag.
• 43:41
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, if you're lying about where you go, what you do, and everything else, then that's a red flag.
• 43:45
  SPEAKER_03: Absolutely.
• 43:46
  SPEAKER_02: And what about avoiding difficult conversations?
• 43:50
  SPEAKER_02: That's human behavior.
• 43:52
  SPEAKER_01: Extreme jealousy.
• 43:53
  SPEAKER_01: Extreme jealousy.
• 43:55
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's uh red flag.
• 43:56
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 43:57
  SPEAKER_01: Disrespect disrespectful towards.
• 44:00
  SPEAKER_01: Others.
• 44:01
  SPEAKER_01: Red flag.
• 44:02
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 44:03
  SPEAKER_01: So in closing.
• 44:04
  SPEAKER_01: Did I pause?
• 44:05
  SPEAKER_01: You did good.
• 44:06
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 44:06
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 44:07
  SPEAKER_01: You passed.
• 44:08
  SPEAKER_01: Good, good, good.
• 44:08
  SPEAKER_01: You passed.
• 44:09
  SPEAKER_01: You get a you get an A minus.
• 44:12
  SPEAKER_01: Do I get a certificate?
• 44:14
  SPEAKER_01: We'll work on that.
• 44:16
  SPEAKER_01: Now, if if you're married and realizing that some of the red flags you noticed before the wedding didn't go away after the I do, don't ignore that realization.
• 44:27
  SPEAKER_01: Because marriage doesn't make red flags disappear.
• 44:32
  SPEAKER_01: Love may overlook them, but life eventually doesn't.
• 44:36
  SPEAKER_01: A healthy marriage is where love feels safe, not stressful.
• 44:42
  SPEAKER_01: Communication happens even when conversations are difficult.
• 44:47
  SPEAKER_01: Both partners feel heard, valued, and respected.
• 44:52
  SPEAKER_01: Trust is strong enough to survive challenges.
• 44:57
  SPEAKER_01: Now, in a healthy healthy marriage, couples don't ask how can I win this argument?
• 45:04
  SPEAKER_01: They ask, How can we solve this problem?
• 45:08
  SPEAKER_01: So remember, don't ignore the red flags just because you said I do, and don't ignore them before the I do's.
• 45:18
  SPEAKER_01: Because sometimes the warning signs that were overlooked before the marriage becomes the very storms you struggle with afterwards.
• 45:31
  SPEAKER_01: Professor, any last words or final thoughts?
• 45:36
  SPEAKER_03: Folks, the red flags are there.
• 45:39
  SPEAKER_03: Open your eyes.
• 45:40
  SPEAKER_03: It's in front of you.
• 45:41
  SPEAKER_03: Can you hear the red flags?
• 45:43
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 45:44
  SPEAKER_03: You can hear that red flag flapping in the wind because you can hear the bullshit that comes out of their mouths.
• 45:51
  SPEAKER_03: Listen.
• 45:52
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 45:52
  SPEAKER_03: See, be aware.
• 45:55
  SPEAKER_03: Folks, thank you for all the love and support you guys give us.
• 45:59
  SPEAKER_03: Uh thank you for being there.
• 46:02
  SPEAKER_03: Thank you for the coffees.
• 46:04
  SPEAKER_03: Thank you for all your support.
• 46:06
  SPEAKER_03: And the people around the world are listening.
• 46:08
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, yeah, we've got listeners all around the world.
• 46:10
  SPEAKER_03: I was actually shocked the other day.
• 46:12
  SPEAKER_03: One of our staff said to us, uh, do you know we got some listeners in in Zimbabwe?
• 46:18
  SPEAKER_03: And I was like, What?
• 46:19
  SPEAKER_03: So we got listeners all over the place.
• 46:23
  SPEAKER_03: And the podcast is growing.
• 46:25
  SPEAKER_03: It's because of you.
• 46:26
  SPEAKER_01: And do you have some of the countries so that they can oh my gosh, we're in Asia.
• 46:30
  SPEAKER_03: Just a few.
• 46:31
  SPEAKER_01: Just name a few.
• 46:32
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I mean, we they're all over.
• 46:34
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, and it's growing.
• 46:35
  SPEAKER_03: And that's because of our listeners.
• 46:37
  SPEAKER_03: Europe?
• 46:38
  SPEAKER_03: So we have in Europe, we got London, uh, England, we got Ireland, we've you name it, we've got it.
• 46:44
  SPEAKER_03: You know, France.
• 46:46
  SPEAKER_03: Matter of fact, we picked up three more listeners in France.
• 46:49
  SPEAKER_03: Well, we we want to thank our listeners all over the world.
• 46:52
  SPEAKER_03: All over the world.
• 46:53
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 46:54
  SPEAKER_03: You know, the this we're not just in the States, we're worldwide.
• 46:58
  SPEAKER_03: So thank you for all our listeners.
• 47:00
  SPEAKER_03: And um, if you want to join any of our meet and greets, just send us an email and we'll let you know where.
• 47:09
  SPEAKER_03: And um just thank you guys.
• 47:12
  SPEAKER_03: We really do appreciate you.
• 47:13
  SPEAKER_01: And even no matter where you are, if you want to join a virtual meet and greet, let us let us know.
• 47:20
  SPEAKER_01: And we will definitely make that happen through Zoom.
• 47:24
  SPEAKER_03: Zoom, um, any any uh meet.
• 47:28
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, that's it.
• 47:29
  SPEAKER_03: Whatever media that media things we we can do.
• 47:32
  SPEAKER_03: Trust me, you have people that can make it happen.
• 47:34
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 47:35
  SPEAKER_03: Um, but we we are always here for you.
• 47:39
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 47:39
  SPEAKER_03: And if you want to put a group together and we can do a group session with with a bunch of people, we're happy to do it.
• 47:46
  SPEAKER_03: Um, you know, we're this is what we love doing.
• 47:49
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 47:50
  SPEAKER_03: And what we put on a podcast is just a tickle of what we actually do privately.
• 47:59
  SPEAKER_02: A tickle.
• 47:59
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 48:01
  SPEAKER_02: You like that tickle?
• 48:02
  SPEAKER_02: That's cute.
• 48:03
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 48:05
  SPEAKER_03: Close as that.
• 48:06
  SPEAKER_01: So we would like to thank all of you, no matter where you are, for joining us and allowing us to be part of your journey.
• 48:14
  SPEAKER_01: Please give us a like, follow us, and please download this episode so you'll have it for later.
• 48:21
  SPEAKER_01: And also share this podcast with someone who may benefit from hearing today's conversation.
• 48:28
  SPEAKER_01: You can find us at Relationship Coaching Group.com, where you can email us if you have any questions, comments, or just want to learn about the services we offer.
• 48:39
  SPEAKER_01: And also on our website, you get to learn a little more about us.
• 48:43
  SPEAKER_01: As relationship coaches, we're not here to judge.
• 48:48
  SPEAKER_01: We're here for you.
• 48:50
  SPEAKER_01: And we're here to help you understand what you're experiencing.
• 48:54
  SPEAKER_01: And remember this you're not alone.
• 48:57
  SPEAKER_01: Together, we got you.
• 49:00
  SPEAKER_01: We got you.