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To Be Honest, I Hate Your Dishonesty · Armstrong & Getty One More Thing

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  Speaker 1: To be honest. I hate your dishonesty. It's one more thing,
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  Speaker 1: Armstrong and Getty. One more.
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  Speaker 2: First this. We didn't get to this story on the
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  Speaker 2: Armstrong and Getty radio show, Maybe we will tomorrow. Plane
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  Speaker 2: lands in San Francisco. As soon as it lands, federal
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  Speaker 2: agents rush into the plane, grab one of the pilots
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  Speaker 2: and take him off in cuffs. Man, if I was
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  Speaker 2: sitting there, I would think, what the hell is going
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  Speaker 2: on there? Yeah? Was some guy that and run a
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  Speaker 2: foul of child porn laws and they're waiting for him
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  Speaker 2: to land in the United States.
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  Speaker 1: Wow.
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  Speaker 2: Immediately ran grabbed him and took him away. More on
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  Speaker 2: that on the next Armstrong and Getty radio show.
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  Speaker 1: Well, you know, you put a cop right there at
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  Speaker 1: the entrance to the cockpit. He's not going anywhere.
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  Speaker 2: I guess he's kind of odd.
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  Speaker 1: They did that in front of the passenger. They must
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  Speaker 1: have thought he was gonna be a flight risk.
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  Speaker 2: Hey, huh oh stand a plane.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah. I can't think of any better place to arrest somebody.
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  Speaker 1: I mean, I get I get your whole passenger thing,
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  Speaker 1: But I mean, like I said, he can't possibly flee anywhere.
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  Speaker 1: He can hardly even stand up right, Yeah, wow, perf
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  Speaker 1: m ah. So your relationship can handle way more honesty
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  Speaker 1: than you think it can, As I often respond, how
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  Speaker 1: do you know what I think? In a new study
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  Speaker 1: from the University of Rochester and Beautiful up State New
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  Speaker 1: York found that being brutally honest with your partner benefits
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  Speaker 1: both of you even if things get uncomfortable. Wow.
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  Speaker 2: I can't wait to hear the examples because some of
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  Speaker 2: them are clearly well, maybe I'm wrong. I was going
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  Speaker 2: to say, clearly, don't fall under this category that you know?
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  Speaker 2: Do I look fat in this? But maybe I'm wrong?
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  Speaker 2: Are they going to say that you should tell him
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  Speaker 2: you look fat as a hog in that?
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  Speaker 1: All right? So here's your methodology. Scientists examine two hundred
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  Speaker 1: and fourteen romantic couples who'd been together an average of
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  Speaker 1: fifteen years. There you go. Researchers brought these couples into
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  Speaker 1: a laboratory and began jabbing them with sharp sticks. No,
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  Speaker 1: I've made that part up. They had them discuss something
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  Speaker 1: one partner wanted the other to change, the kind of
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  Speaker 1: conversation most people dread having, and partners took turns being
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  Speaker 1: the person requesting change and the person receiving the feedback.
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  Speaker 2: This reminds me of one of my best friends texted
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  Speaker 2: me on Friday that can you believe it's been thirty
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  Speaker 2: two years? They have been married for thirty two years,
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  Speaker 2: he and his wife, And I remember him telling me
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  Speaker 2: one time he said, sometimes you just gotta take a
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  Speaker 2: step back so they can't hit you in, say an
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  Speaker 2: uncomfortable thing.
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  Speaker 1: That's a funny way to put it anyway. So getting
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  Speaker 1: back to the methodology, which is interesting because I haven't
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  Speaker 1: talked about this for a long time. I used to
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  Speaker 1: make It was a incredibly small amount of money. I
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  Speaker 1: can't even remember if it was five bucks or fifteen
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  Speaker 1: or something. As an undergraduate student at the University of Illinois,
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  Speaker 1: I would answer the little ads the psychology department needed
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  Speaker 1: subjects for experiments, tests, studies, and I would go down
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  Speaker 1: and I was I did a bunch of them.
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  Speaker 2: But would they lock you in a box and let
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  Speaker 2: rats on you? I mean, like, what kind of tests
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  Speaker 2: were you do?
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  Speaker 1: No? No, Indeed, at the time, the Mamby Pamby administration
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  Speaker 1: wouldn't allow anything cruel or pain inducing. But the interesting
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  Speaker 1: part of it is they would tell you what you
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  Speaker 1: were doing and sometimes like what they were testing, and
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  Speaker 1: then you would do what they want you to do,
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  Speaker 1: answer the questions or whatever. Then at the end they'd
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  Speaker 1: revealed that they weren't really looking into that thing at all.
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  Speaker 1: Oh cool, they throw you off, so you're not like
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  Speaker 1: trying to interesting. Okay, yeah, teach to the test as
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  Speaker 1: it were anyway, So here's your method on the examples. No, no,
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  Speaker 1: I really can't. One might pop into my head. Well
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  Speaker 1: we're talking, I can picture the setting. They erased his
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  Speaker 1: memory when they hooked Hi up to the air.
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  Speaker 2: Someone with the rats nibbling on you.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah. Oh yeah, these weird, unexplained scars roughly rat tooth
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  Speaker 1: shaped anyway. So they they brought the couples into the lab,
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  Speaker 1: had them discuss something one partner wanted to change, uh,
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  Speaker 1: the other to change the and and then vice versa.
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  Speaker 1: Before couples talked, participants privately wrote down what they wanted
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  Speaker 1: their partner to change. Then researchers compared what people wrote
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  Speaker 1: in private to what they actually said out loud during
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  Speaker 1: the recorded conversations. Now they then they also had another
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  Speaker 1: layer of it. Independent observers watched all the videos a
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  Speaker 1: bunch of people and rated how honest each person was
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  Speaker 1: being by comparing their private thoughts to their spoken work.
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  Speaker 2: But so, is this like a situation where you were
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  Speaker 2: going to I'm gonna I'm gonna tell them about their
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  Speaker 2: breas you know, when you write down, I'm going to
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  Speaker 2: tell him that the breath is horrible. They need to
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  Speaker 2: do something about it, something like that. Sure, but then
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  Speaker 2: you get the yips when you have to actually tell
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  Speaker 2: them when you like, yes, okay.
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  Speaker 1: Yes I do, we do, everyone does. Yeah. It's that
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  Speaker 1: sort of thing. When people were more honest about requesting
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  Speaker 1: changes from their partners, both people in the relationship reported
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  Speaker 1: better emotional well being in higher relationship satisfaction immediately after
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  Speaker 1: the conversation, and researchers found that the couples did not
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  Speaker 1: need to share the same reality about the conversation for
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  Speaker 1: both people to benefit from it. What mattered more was
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  Speaker 1: that people were actually actually were being honest and that
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  Speaker 1: their partners perceived them as honest.
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  Speaker 2: So if I wrote down I'm going to tell him
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  Speaker 2: about Okay, how about this scenario I'm married to a woman.
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  Speaker 1: If I almost say, wait a minute, this is an announcement.
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  Speaker 1: Be cool, we love you, we care about you. It's fine.
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  Speaker 2: No, I would I think the other problem would complicate
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  Speaker 2: the marriage with him because I'd have to at some
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  Speaker 2: point say I'm not gay. So if you've noticed a
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  Speaker 2: lack of intimacy, it's because I'm not getting so. So
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  Speaker 2: if I was going to say to her, your breath
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  Speaker 2: smells like a garbage dump, I don't need to say
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  Speaker 2: it like that. But if I was going to tell
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  Speaker 2: her the act, and then I get in there and
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  Speaker 2: I say, there are there are Look, there are certain
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  Speaker 2: things about you hygiene wise that I don't dig or
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  Speaker 2: something like that, because I get scared to just say
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  Speaker 2: it out loud. But if I said it out loud,
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  Speaker 2: it would be better.
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  Speaker 1: For both of us, right, not not to be intensely hurtful,
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  Speaker 1: as your quasi humorous example it was, but yeah, just
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  Speaker 1: be be frank. That's more like moral the honesty aspect
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  Speaker 1: of it, like just come out on saying what you feel. Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: to kind of jump to the end of it. You
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  Speaker 1: are sending the message I am honest with you, and
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  Speaker 1: that underlying principle of your relationship is much more important
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  Speaker 1: than the topic or any momentary discomfort with someone being
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  Speaker 1: honest with you, because it can be very uncomfortable on a.
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  Speaker 2: Better example, because I just feel like that one wouldn't
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  Speaker 2: bother many people. I mean, if if somebody tell me,
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  Speaker 2: that'd just be oh, well, I need to change things.
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  Speaker 2: They need to brush, I need to get a mint,
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  Speaker 2: I need to build. But I wouldn't be personally hurt.
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  Speaker 1: Really, it could be a sexual thing. You know, it's
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  Speaker 1: to this or that or not enough this, or the
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  Speaker 1: way you do that is not only not pleasurable, it's
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  Speaker 1: really annoying and off putting, and you know there are
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  Speaker 1: ways you could put it that were a little more gentle.
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  Speaker 1: But it could certainly be something like that. Interestingly, researchers
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  Speaker 1: tested their findings across multiple measures, including self reported emotional wellbeing,
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  Speaker 1: relationship satisfaction, and motivation to change. They also had trained
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  Speaker 1: observers rates the same factors. Patterns held consistent across all measures,
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  Speaker 1: and interestingly, three months later, many benefits persisted. People who
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  Speaker 1: had been more honest during the initial discussion reported better
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  Speaker 1: emotional well being and were more likely to see positive
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  Speaker 1: changes in their partners over time. Which makes sense. Hmm, oh, oh,
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  Speaker 1: here it is Jack. Study participants were not discussing minor
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  Speaker 1: annoyances either. Changes people requested were specifically chosen to be
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  Speaker 1: topics they would find uncomfortable to share real issues that
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  Speaker 1: could potentially caused conflict. Yet even in these challenging circumstances,
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  Speaker 1: honesty proved beneficial.
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  Speaker 2: Listen, pillow, princess. Here, hold this youand or a trout,
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  Speaker 2: and she says, why the truck. You're a like a
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  Speaker 2: cold fish. That's what you're like.
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  Speaker 1: Wow, that so perfect? Well, yeah, that's that's that's really
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  Speaker 1: good because people love a visual aids B metaphors and
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  Speaker 1: see the smell of a trout, right, yes, fish exactly.
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  Speaker 1: You're like this in bed, Hold it, see how you
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  Speaker 1: like it. There we go, and she would reply, I
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  Speaker 1: feel better about our relationship.
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  Speaker 2: This was beneficial.
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  Speaker 1: Thank you. I feel better across several measures of satisfaction. Well,
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  Speaker 1: I guess that's it.