Latest / Alive, I Guess Podcast / Episode 34 - Shedding Be Happenin

Transcript

Episode 34 - Shedding Be Happenin · Alive, I Guess Podcast

• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: What's good, y'all?
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to your safe space.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, RJ, and this is the Alive I Guess Podcast.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: If you're new here, welcome.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: I appreciate you for joining.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: And if you've been here, welcome back.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: I appreciate you as always.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: Make sure y'all are following us on social media on all platforms at Alive IGas Podcast.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: For all inquiries and concerns, email us at alive I guesspodcast at gmail.com.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: And for all I say this with love submissions, visit tinyurl.com slash AIGP advice.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: Today I wanted to talk about the physical body transitions that we go through from the big chop hair transitions, weight transitions, and style transitions.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: Now I didn't want to call it transitions because that could be so vague and like we have transitions in other aspects of our life.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I feel like when we go through those three specific types of transitions, it's more of a shed of sorts, which is why I have named this shedding.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: Because as y'all know, I have done a lot of shedding in all three of those areas over the past few years.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I think we need to talk about it.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: But before we do that, you already know we gotta do a moment of gratitude.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: So if you are listening today, say something out loud that you are grateful for.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: And if you are watching, drop something below in the comments.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: Today, I'm grateful for nature.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: I spent a lot of time indoors, especially since like COVID hit.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god, you can barely get me outside up until maybe what last year?
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I've just had this newfound appreciation for nature.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: I see how nature is changing with the global warming crisis that I'm not gonna spiral on.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: And it's really sad, but there's still a lot of beauty and just forgiveness and love and peace and tranquility in nature.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I mean like actual nature, not like you go outside and you in the park or you go to like a lake where everybody else had, like, I mean like being in nature, even though those other things are beautiful too.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: But you know what?
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'm appreciative of all types of nature, but admittedly, I don't do bugs, so but shout out to the bugs, you know, we need them.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: All right, let's get into it because shedding be happening.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: Like I said before, we're gonna be talking about three specific types of bodily transitions: hair transition, weight transition, style transition.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to focus on these areas because one, I've been through all three, and they were very big and significant changes, and actually took a lot more mental growth and learning and understanding of myself before I could even commit to any of those things.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and they kind of like piggybacked off each other.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: I also feel like, especially in the world that we live in today, but especially as black folks, black and brown folks, those three things, especially when you're like a woman, are really like big deals.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: Like women are first seen right off the gate what kind of hair they got.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: And we are, or women are weaponized, or their hair is weaponized, and is it professional, like it's used against them?
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: We already know about the weight thing, like weight factors into people getting recognition, acceptance, promotions, a whole bunch of different factors.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: Like, weight is significant in success, unfortunately, and how people view people, and is it's a lot.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: So I wanted to focus on that, and then style, not as significant, but there definitely are some points that are to be made when we are discussing style in the world, and also when you are going up in weight or going down in weight, how much your style can be affected.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: At least that's what's happened with me.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: The first big physical transition I did was when I decided to lock my hair.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: I decided on a whim, it wasn't even a major decision or something I really thought about.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: I had coiled my hair one day.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I was like, you know what, I think I'm gonna leave it.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: Actually, it was May 15th, 2021, which was the day before Jenna Jackson's birthday, but five days before my nephew was born.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember when I did it and when I committed to it, I was so like concerned about how I'd be perceived and all that stuff.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: So that was a really significant thing to change my hair, which we'll get into in a second.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: But after that, then I decided I want to do top surgery, which is a huge transition, and then I changed the pronouns and identity.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but when I was getting top surgery, first I had to lose a bit of weight, and so I'm like, okay, so that got me thinking about my style.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: And as I'm looking at all these different areas, I'm realizing how closely associated and tied into identity all these things are.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: It was such a huge like step when committing to each of these things, especially like weight loss or the hair, that I knew it was deeper than just like surface level.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: But because it is something that you see and it seems so simple, a lot of times these things get dismissed as surface level things.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: Regardless of any of the transitions that I went through, I knew it was deeper than just committing to a change of hair or losing some weight or buying some clothes, like it really started to turn into this deeper uncovering of self and learning more about why I was using these different items to essentially hide from the world.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like it got it got kind of deep.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: Let's get into it.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: First, the hair.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I used to get relaxers.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: My hair, I've mentioned before, was like a thing that would get not to say weaponized, but it would always come up when dealing with my parents and like my stepmom.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: Like it was just a thing that was always like in the middle of something.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: And then growing up, I'm talking to women, and people be like, girl, what you mix with?
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: Cause I got long hair as if black people can't have long hair.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: So people just assumed I was mixed, and then the women that I'm engaging with are like, I love your hair.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you could never cut your hair.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: X, Y, Z.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I partially consider myself like Simba, like my Instagram name is has Simba in it, um, because of how big and long and like mane-esque my hair was.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: Like, my hair was really tied into who I was, and so when I decided I was going to lock it, that was huge.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: But I did, and I had my locks for about three years, and then I decided, you know what?
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm tired of hiding behind my hair.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: I love my locks, but all my life up to that point, my hair has been like such a staple in my identity.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: And at the time I was in um ketamine therapy, and my therapist at the time we were working on that because some things were coming up as I'm in therapy around my hair, and it's tying back to childhood, it's tying back to my worth, it's tying back to how I feel about like my self-image and like my confidence.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: And we had a discussion, and I decided, like, you know what, I'm gonna go for it.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: I was scared to death.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: I've never cut my hair ever, and I've never had short hair, and like I didn't want to be like, I'm already gay and masked as hell.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm like, if I cut my hair, like people are gonna be intimidated by me and all the stereotypical things I thought I was gonna be up against, but yeah, I was like, you know what?
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's time.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I hit my barber up, who is also one of my very good friends, and I'm like, we doing it because I was telling her, I'm like, I'm considering cutting it, like I wanna cut it.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: And the day I went to cut it, I'm sitting in the chair, and she already knew.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: She she knew if she gave me enough time to think about it, I wasn't gonna do it.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: All of a sudden, I just hear snip, no warm up, no Vaseline, just cut.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, Okay.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember this girl walked in and she's like, I know you didn't just cut off all that pretty hair.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: As if it was written, couldn't be written more beautiful.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: Like that is how my hair has always been seen.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: It's like RJ's hair.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: Like, that's the first thing people would see.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: Cutting my hair was so much more significant than just like cutting my hair.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: It was really me releasing this safety net, this comfort, quite literally releasing a lot of energy.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: At this time, when I cut my hair, I had experienced like the death of my nephew.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: I experienced a deep depression that almost took me out.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: I experienced a lot um when I had locks, and as y'all know, maybe y'all don't, but hair in general holds a lot of energy.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: But locks like really like lock in energy, and it really felt like a weight.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: Mind you, my my shit was nice.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: It was long, it was thick.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: I was also worried I was gonna start thinning, even though people were like, it's not going bald, like I you know, but it I'm holding a lot in my hair, and on top of being so afraid to do this for myself.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, I got the top surgery.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, that was a decision that I made for me, but that didn't feel like a decision that I had to like make.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: It was like I needed to align in my body, so it was like a no-brainer.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: This was like a decision, the first decision that I ever made for myself, and I was so worried about what would people say?
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: How would people like it?
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: What would people think?
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: And after I did it, I felt so free and so good and so light.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: That hair was heavy.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: I still got them locks, I should probably do something with them, but just looking at it in my hands and seeing like all that I was using to hide behind, it just told like this bigger story that was so much deeper than hair.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I feel like, as black folks, like that's kind of how it goes.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: Like, our hair is really significant in our culture, it means a lot.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: The way we represent ourselves with our hair, like it's really tied into who we are naturally.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, when I cut it, it was just like wow.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: But I didn't feel like I lost my identity.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: I felt like I was finally stepping into an identity that I was making for myself, for me, about me.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: You know, like I was finally creating and living in my identity that I saw.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: Back in 2014, October of 2014, was the last time I relaxed my hair.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: Well, my mom relaxed my hair.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, I used to relax that thing often.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm talking, let it cook till it burn, you know?
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm like, you know, I'm I'm done with that.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: So from there I grew my hair out.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: I did cut my hair, but I didn't cut it this short.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: Like I had a nice little cute little bob, you know?
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: Not a bob.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: Well, whatever.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: It was short tur, but it grew back healthy, better, stronger.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: I dyed my hair.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: Like I always took these little steps, but I never fully committed to the big chop.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: But one thing that going from relaxed to natural hair, and then from natural hair to locked hair, it taught me a lot of patience.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: It taught me to really nurture myself and to feed into like doing things for myself.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: Because when you aren't taking care of that natural hair, you look and toe up, you look and hurt.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: You have to moisturize, you have to oil your scalp, you have to brush your hair, you can't just let it be loose, even with locks.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: You can't just lock and let it go.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's gonna start smelling bad.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: You're gonna look crazy.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: So it really made me take this approach of like caring for myself and caring about my image and wanting to look good and wanting to be more than just my hair, you know, like somehow turning this new leaf of pouring into my hair made me realize that I don't need hair to be great or deserve care or attention or love like I've seen in the past.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: And unfortunately, you know how I go with hair in like workplaces for us, you know, respectability.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: People like to think we are somehow like criminals or not qualified to do our job just based on our hair.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: Um, whereas other people can walk around with messy buns or unkept hair, unbrushed hair.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they just gel that shit down to death and it looks ridiculous.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: Like we're the only ones who are facing heavy scrutiny for our hair.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: So, me going to locks, I was already like, oof, but you know, it wound up working out.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but when I cut it, I'm like, oh man, that's gonna be tough.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm very glad I did.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: I am so happy with my short hair, and now I don't feel like I'm tight to my hair.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: Like now I want to cut it, I want to dye it.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: Y'all might see me pop out with some blonde.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: Don't be surprised.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: Just saying, like, I'm not committed to one thing like I was for so many years.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: Like I feel freer to be myself, to express myself, and to show my different colors.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: Fortunately, when I cut it, people around me loved it, family loved it, wife loved it, I loved it, which was the most important.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: It took a little bit for the curls to adjust from being locked to getting the curl, but eventually they bounced back and um they came back better than they did when I stopped relaxing it.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: So, all in all, glad I trusted the process and did that big job.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes I do miss my locks.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_00: I do.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_00: If I didn't have so much like trauma attached to those locks, I'd reattach them, but I and a snowball's chance to tell them things going back in my head, not today.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: No, no.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: So then boom, hair is cut, I'm 30 years old, I got my top surgery, and I'm like, woo, we we gotta do something with all this.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'm ready to look as good as I'm starting to feel, and I don't like what I see in the mirror.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: So that's when we turn the leaf to the weight loss journey.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_00: And baby, and I tell you, it was a journey.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_00: First of all, whether you're gaining weight or losing weight, like it's like a renegotiation with your body.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: There have been times where I was my weight started with a one.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: Mind you, I am an adult and my weight started with a one, and I am six feet tall with a lot of muscle on me.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_00: There's no way my weight should start with one shit, nothing.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: But I was 21, 22, skin and bones, skinny as hell, and I didn't even realize how skinny I was to my friend.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: I was just telling this story the other day.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'm walking, I'm wearing these cargo shorts that I've had since high school.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_00: I've had them for what four years at this point.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_00: By the time um this story happens.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_00: When I got them, they fit normal.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_00: Weight would fluctuate, they'd be a little snug, but I've kept them, they fit.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm walking on campus one day in college, and my friend, she was like, Bert, because that's what she used to call me because that was my last name.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: She was like, Bert, why you got on them big ass fucking shorts?
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, big ass shorts, these cargo shorts, and I look down and I'm holding my shorts like they are like six sizes too big, like they are huge.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_00: Same shorts.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know I had gotten that small, and I went home and I looked in the mirror and I'm like, damn, like, yeah, I you know, this this ain't good.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_00: And then I've been on the other side of that where I am in the throes of depression, not caring about life, not caring about health, and therefore not caring about what I'm consuming.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I I'm up there, I'm up there in weight.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: I am not looking good, not feeling good.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I kind of start to lose a little bit of weight from that point to when I cut my hair, but I'm still nowhere near where I need to be.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, you know what?
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: I want to start losing my this suit that I feel like I'm I'm stuck in, you know?
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_00: Um it kind of ties like all the things that we're talking about today, they kind of tie into each other because when I have my locks and then I cut it, people were always saying, like, wow, I can see you now.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_00: And when I was bigger, I would wear bigger clothes to like hide in.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I realized how much I was like hiding, well, trying to hide, you can only hide so much, but I was really trying to hide myself from the world because I didn't like how I was presenting in the world, so um, it took me maybe like a year before I start actually like rolling into the fitness part of the weight loss, but I started losing weight that first year a little bit, and then lost my job, told the story, um, and started working out, and that in turn gave me this appreciation and love and want to pour into myself, want to do better and fuel my body properly, give it water, give it rest.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_00: Not all the time.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'm still learning, but I've never wanted to do those things for myself.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_00: I always did it because I had to for basketball, I had to for work, or I had to for school.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like I never fed into myself for me.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_00: It was always for whatever job I'm tied to at the time, whether that be physical or just like going to work.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_00: So last year I finally started doing for myself and yielding results and liking what I saw and building momentum and getting cuts in my arms and getting slim and cheekbones starting to pop or whatever.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if y'all noticed, but it this was the first time I really ever did it for myself, and I was so proud and happy for me that I actually decided to do this for me, and I found I was worthy enough to do this for myself, and I didn't have to do this for anyone else.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_00: Funny thing is, like as I'm going through this transition and quite literally shedding weight, my relationship to my body and how I felt about it and how I viewed it kind of hit this weird like point.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_00: I got a little bit obsessive in the like early bit, not immediately in the beginning, probably like a couple months into my fitness journey, where I'm looking at my body every day, every little muscle seeing what.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Coming in, seeing what parts still need work.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_00: I need more protein.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_00: I gotta do that, like I'm going too hard on the other end of it.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I lost sight of the self-love and kind of turned it into like low-key policing my own body.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I feel that's something that already happens to feminine bodies anyway.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like you women's bodies get commented on more than anybody's, you know?
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's like when you look good, people gonna say something.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_00: When you have gained weight, people gonna say something.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_00: People say some like egregious shit that should not be normalized to say to other people that are just real commonly thrown at women, black women specifically.
• 22:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I found myself talking to myself in that way.
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, I didn't really catch it in the moment.
• 23:01
  SPEAKER_00: Uh my wife had to be like, hey, don't be talking about my wife like that.
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, you know what?
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_00: You are right.
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_00: So I had to chill and get back into like honoring my body and thanking my body for getting me to this place, even from the lowest of lows to the highest of highs.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's always been here and it's kept me strong and it's kept me alive and it's kept me going up to this point.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm grateful for it.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um in moments where today, where I am in a neglectful space of self-care, I still thank my body and I'm quicker to realize I need to get back to self-care because of the relationship that I have built with it.
• 23:45
  SPEAKER_00: So now I don't see my body as this thing that I have to fix.
• 23:51
  SPEAKER_00: I see it as something that has kept me safe, that gives me life, that is the vehicle to live my life and to have experiences through.
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_00: The thing that keeps me going every day, and it's strong, and it still has the ability to carry me and heal and grow and stretch.
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't take that for granted, you know.
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_00: I a very loving person in my life was just able-bodied a couple months ago, and now who knows if they'll walk again, you know?
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_00: It makes you think about stuff like that, and I just wish I would have been kinder to myself, even in the moments where I didn't necessarily like what I saw, or moments where I knew I could have done on the outside, but we live and we learn and we grow, and now I am kinder and gentler and patient, more patient with myself.
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_00: The body dysmorphia is still real.
• 24:59
  SPEAKER_00: I still don't completely see what there actually is, like my view and what reality is, are not completely in sync yet.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_00: Regardless, I'm still grateful and I'm still thankful.
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_00: Because I realize, like in transitions, especially that with our bodies, especially as we age and we grow and we deal with external factors and stressors and life and all the things that make us human, it's not gonna be a cakewalk.
• 25:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's gonna ebb and flow, it's gonna get hard.
• 25:32
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you're gonna lose weight quick.
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it's gonna take you a minute.
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you're gonna stall for a while.
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_00: But regardless, you know, like I just love my body now, and I want to do better for my body.
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_00: I want to honor my body, and I want to stop hiding my body because she she looks good.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_00: She's still we still moving, but like I like where I'm at.
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes the mirror takes a little longer to catch up from what you might see, you know?
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_00: But in the interim, I'm still gonna dress it up and make it look good.
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_00: Which brings us to style.
• 26:13
  SPEAKER_00: My style throughout life has been interesting.
• 26:19
  SPEAKER_00: I was a hooper, so I was always in some hoop shorts or athletic shit, sweats, slides, you know, like regular hooper shit, hoodie, you get what I mean.
• 26:27
  SPEAKER_00: Um, then I was trying to get in my feminine bag in the second half of high school and freshman year, slash hooper shit, you know.
• 26:36
  SPEAKER_00: Um, then I was like, you know what?
• 26:39
  SPEAKER_00: Time to live my truth.
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_00: Then I was HM'd out, you know, like jean jacket with the pattern shirts and you know, shit like that, the blazers, the jeans, you get what I mean, the hats.
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I was kind of like the thing, plus hooper shit.
• 26:57
  SPEAKER_00: That was still kind of the way I was going throughout college until I graduated, and then I was like still in it, but then I started gaining weight.
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_00: And then when I started gaining weight, and I'm working in like corporate world, I'm trying to find that style, and I hit a moment where that style was basura mucho, terrible, terrible.
• 27:23
  SPEAKER_00: I had these um these pants that my wife loves to remind me about.
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know why I bought it, but I didn't know how to like dress for my body, like it was it was a fucking mess.
• 27:36
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, started getting my style together, but I knew like approaching 30, I really wanted to get my style together, and I'm still building it, but now combined with the hair, combined with the weight loss, like I've had to redo my closet.
• 27:53
  SPEAKER_00: I went from like graphic tees and jeans and shorts, and now I got button-ups and I got some slacks, I got dress shoes, and I'm just elevating my style more, and I'm using my style to accentuate my body more, more form-fitting clothing.
• 28:17
  SPEAKER_00: I'm having accents of like jewelry, and I got more piercings, and just really trying to do things that bring more attention to different features of mine that I never would have done.
• 28:34
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I was trying to not make you see me.
• 28:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'm talking big ass shirts, like you know how they had the oversized phase uh at the beginning of COVID, because that's when everybody started getting a little bigger.
• 28:49
  SPEAKER_00: I was already wearing oversized clothing, and everybody bought up all my sizes, but like I just finished getting rid of like all my oversized shit because now it's like super oversized, but now I don't want to hide in my clothes, I don't want to hide behind my hair.
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_00: And what's interesting, I went to New Orleans a couple years ago, and when I was in New Orleans, this podcast journey came up, and she was like, Don't get a co-host because you'll try to hide behind her.
• 29:26
  SPEAKER_00: And baby, she clocked me because that's exactly what I would have did.
• 29:29
  SPEAKER_00: I was trying everything in my power to hide as much as possible because I didn't want to be seen, because I didn't like what I saw or what I felt inside.
• 29:42
  SPEAKER_00: But today, since I've transitioned with my hair and I shed that hair, and I'm shedding this weight and these old habits and these old negative, self-limiting, self-talk, and now I'm shedding these big ass clothes and putting on some good-looking, grown-up, elegant, nice-looking clothing.
• 30:07
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know why I was trying to hide before.
• 30:10
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I really like what I see, and yeah, there have been changes to get me to that point, but like it ain't on you, it's in you.
• 30:20
  SPEAKER_00: I've always been this person.
• 30:21
  SPEAKER_00: Regardless, if I go back up, I'm still gonna be this person.
• 30:26
  SPEAKER_00: But it just makes me um realize how far we've come and how much of a different person I am.
• 30:35
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it has taken some years, so like of course I've grown and matured, but admittedly, I've been in some sort of shedding process since 2021.
• 30:50
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, about five years I've been in this, and I am not the same person I was at 28, at 27, like completely different.
• 31:01
  SPEAKER_00: Um shit, even since I stopped drinking, but that's that's different.
• 31:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm talking about the physical, you know?
• 31:08
  SPEAKER_00: So it's been a long road, and I still have a long way to go.
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I think I'll kind of always just be ever evolving.
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_00: I might grow my hair back out.
• 31:17
  SPEAKER_00: Who knows?
• 31:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like, my style might switch up again.
• 31:21
  SPEAKER_00: Who knows?
• 31:22
  SPEAKER_00: I oh I will tell you, I'm gonna keep losing weight, I'm gonna get more cut and more defined and slimmer and healthier and more fit.
• 31:31
  SPEAKER_00: I know that for sure.
• 31:34
  SPEAKER_00: But everything else, ever evolving, and I can't wait to see the different levels, layers, chapters that the other older RJs have to come.
• 31:46
  SPEAKER_00: The one thing that all these things have in common: the hair, the body, the style, I get to decide who I am and what I look like.
• 31:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I made those decisions to show the world who RJ really is, and not who I feel I need to be for these the only clothes I could fit.
• 32:12
  SPEAKER_00: To I've always had hair.
• 32:14
  SPEAKER_00: I I can't cut my hair.
• 32:15
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I am making these choices because that's what I want to do, and I'm going with the flow of what I feel, not what I feel I should do for other people.
• 32:27
  SPEAKER_00: In this day and age of social media, especially if you're like an influencer or a celebrity or someone who just has a lot of attention on you.
• 32:36
  SPEAKER_00: Shit, even if you aren't, like them all folks on Facebook be brutal.
• 32:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like, if you are going through a transition of any sorts, people feel the need to comment or have an opinion or let you know what they think or how they feel, or shame you, or bash you, whether it's gaining hella weight, or it's someone who's losing hella weight.
• 33:01
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's celebrities right now who are hella small and people are like bashing them.
• 33:06
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm like, I thought y'all didn't like fat people.
• 33:09
  SPEAKER_00: Like I thought I thought we were fat phobic.
• 33:11
  SPEAKER_00: Like, which one is it?
• 33:12
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 33:12
  SPEAKER_00: Like, there's always something people gonna say.
• 33:16
  SPEAKER_00: Even when I start losing weight, like I, you know, it was significant, so I get where people are coming from, but people commented, like, you look good, you know, and it's just like, yes, but on the other side of that, like you, like I didn't look good before, you know, like just deconstructing these things that we're so used to and understanding how things can be harmful in what we say, because you, I feel like you should love every version of you, all the different skins that you're in, and looking good isn't tied to like weight.
• 33:59
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if you look unkept, you ain't taking care of your hair, you ain't taking care of your clothes, it's all holy and old and shit like that.
• 34:08
  SPEAKER_00: Now, that's that's different.
• 34:10
  SPEAKER_00: But like, I have always been well kept, like my clothes, hair, like I'm not out here looking a mess.
• 34:18
  SPEAKER_00: So saying I now look good, you know, is not saying wow, you've lost a lot of weight, like, you know, so like I personally had to take a look at that and be like, that's not okay.
• 34:32
  SPEAKER_00: We gotta, we gotta work on that.
• 34:33
  SPEAKER_00: Cause again, every version of me looks good.
• 34:38
  SPEAKER_00: At least that's what I'm trying to convince myself.
• 34:42
  SPEAKER_00: But all in all, through these three transitions, I feel a sense of control and love and appreciation for myself.
• 34:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I've put it together kind of piece by piece.
• 34:54
  SPEAKER_00: And as I go, I'll collect more pieces and will evolve more and have a deeper love and a deeper understanding of myself and come to know myself and my identity even better.
• 35:05
  SPEAKER_00: And that will in turn continue to fuel me to want to strive for more, to want to go for more, to even dream of more.
• 35:15
  SPEAKER_00: Like I don't limit myself to what I can do.
• 35:18
  SPEAKER_00: I really think I can do anything because I've proven it in all the different ways that I've said everything that limited me in each of these transitions, I overcame and proved to myself that all those obstacles were literally just in my head.
• 35:35
  SPEAKER_00: All the fear and anxiety and worry that I thought the world was gonna have about me, nobody even cared.
• 35:44
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody was thinking about it.
• 35:46
  SPEAKER_00: Like, most of the things that we be tripping on don't exist.
• 35:50
  SPEAKER_00: Never did.
• 35:51
  SPEAKER_00: They exist in our mind, but like they aren't real things that we have to be worried about.
• 35:57
  SPEAKER_00: So now when I go for it, I'm going for it.
• 35:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I was nervous as hell to put a podcast out, but like it's gonna be okay.
• 36:04
  SPEAKER_00: And now I'm comfortable in front of the camera because I was I haven't got done it yet, but if I go back and watch a couple of them first episodes, baby, I'm sure I was a little nervous, a little choppy.
• 36:15
  SPEAKER_00: But like, it gets better with time.
• 36:17
  SPEAKER_00: You get comfortable, you evolve, and you start to love what it is that you see, and so is life.
• 36:25
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm gonna continue on that trajectory to all my homies in a shedding period.
• 36:31
  SPEAKER_00: Keep going.
• 36:33
  SPEAKER_00: Don't let anything that has come up, any naysayers, any limiting beliefs that you got getting your way, keep moving forward.
• 36:43
  SPEAKER_00: It's gonna get better, it's gonna get easier, you're going to yield the results.
• 36:48
  SPEAKER_00: I know, especially if it's like wait, that's gonna take a little longer.
• 36:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's gonna take a little longer.
• 36:54
  SPEAKER_00: The body has to go through a lot of internal changes before you see it on the outside.
• 36:59
  SPEAKER_00: Just keep going.
• 37:00
  SPEAKER_00: Do it for you.
• 37:00
  SPEAKER_00: Don't do it for no number on no scale, don't do it for no person, don't do it for no picture, don't do it for nobody but you.
• 37:08
  SPEAKER_00: Stay the course.
• 37:10
  SPEAKER_00: Transitions are not always linear.
• 37:13
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes that shit goes up and then it goes down and then it stays at a same level for a minute, just a plateau, and then it might dip again, and then it might take off in the right direction out of nowhere, just when you thought you hit a stagnant point.
• 37:28
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's kind of made to throw you off to really test and see what you made of.
• 37:33
  SPEAKER_00: So keep moving forward.
• 37:35
  SPEAKER_00: And just note one thing I have learned: transitions are never finished.
• 37:41
  SPEAKER_00: The hair grows back, the body fluctuates, the style evolves, it changes.
• 37:48
  SPEAKER_00: Clothes I bought last year, I just got rid of some of them because I'm like, I don't really like this style no more.
• 37:54
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's always an ongoing, evolving, changing process.
• 38:01
  SPEAKER_00: But you and your body have been through a lot of changes that it didn't necessarily ask permission for.
• 38:07
  SPEAKER_00: This is the time you get to make the changes in the ways that you want.
• 38:13
  SPEAKER_00: However, you want, you get to choose for you and nobody else.
• 38:18
  SPEAKER_00: So keep shedding, keep shining, and remember, love every version of you along the way because you're worthy of love no matter what you look like.
• 38:27
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm I'm all for making changes to feel better.
• 38:30
  SPEAKER_00: So you keep going.
• 38:32
  SPEAKER_00: You got it.
• 38:33
  SPEAKER_00: Speaking of transitions, you already know what time it is.
• 38:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's time for I Say This For Love.
• 38:39
  SPEAKER_00: Use that tiny URL link and submit your information there for a chance to have your business read on one of these episodes.
• 38:47
  SPEAKER_00: How do you know when you've actually forgiven someone versus you're just tired of being mad?
• 38:54
  SPEAKER_00: I said I forgive you out loud to my dad last year and meant it in the moment, but I still flinch every time I see his name pop up on my phone.
• 39:04
  SPEAKER_00: I want to say I've fully forgiven him, but deep down I know I'm just waiting on the shoe to drop.
• 39:12
  SPEAKER_00: I say this with love.
• 39:14
  SPEAKER_00: I understand completely where you're coming from.
• 39:18
  SPEAKER_00: I would like to challenge your thinking with you saying you don't know if you've forgiven them versus you not wanting to be mad.
• 39:28
  SPEAKER_00: Forgiving does not mean forgetting.
• 39:31
  SPEAKER_00: You can forgive a person and not forget all the shit that they've done.
• 39:37
  SPEAKER_00: You can forgive them for their actions, but not move in a way that disregards everything that they've done because that is not smart on your part.
• 39:48
  SPEAKER_00: If this person has a pattern of doing something to you and you put them in a position or they are in a position where they can do this thing to you again, it would be foolish to one, allow yourself to be put in that position again, but two, think that they would naturally act any different, you know?
• 40:10
  SPEAKER_00: So I don't think forgiveness and still being worried are different, like it's a pattern.
• 40:18
  SPEAKER_00: There was one year um specifically when me and my dad were good.
• 40:24
  SPEAKER_00: Actually, it was a couple of years, but this specific year I'm talking about is literally the age of 21.
• 40:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I say the age of 21 because me and my dad made up on my 21st birthday, and then we fell out the day before my 22nd, and that whole time, like we were great, you know?
• 40:46
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm like, mm, nah, something gonna happen.
• 40:51
  SPEAKER_00: Spade a spade, look like a duck, quack like a duck, act like a duck, that bitch is a duck.
• 40:55
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm saying?
• 40:56
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm not saying I didn't forgive him in the moment, but I knew something could potentially happen, and it did.
• 41:07
  SPEAKER_00: And now there's this new level of forgiveness that I have to do, but that's from the new infliction that he has caused, you know.
• 41:17
  SPEAKER_00: I think there are still things that maybe you do maybe need to explore about forgiveness.
• 41:24
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe there are things within yourself you want to examine.
• 41:29
  SPEAKER_00: As crazy as that sounds, there can be some negative emotions associated with this, especially with them daddies, them parents.
• 41:39
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you know, there could be like a shame or a guilt tied to it, whatever, whatever might be underneath.
• 41:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'd say explore all those things.
• 41:49
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and if you still feel like maybe there are some pieces of you that haven't forgiven him, that's okay.
• 41:57
  SPEAKER_00: Like we we're learning, we're growing, we're healing.
• 42:01
  SPEAKER_00: That is a big wound when a parent hurts you.
• 42:04
  SPEAKER_00: So it's gonna take some time.
• 42:06
  SPEAKER_00: It might take some backtracking and redoing before you can move forward.
• 42:11
  SPEAKER_00: But like it is what it is.
• 42:13
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think there's an issue in feeling hesitated, hesitant around your dad or what could possibly go wrong, but it doesn't mean like you haven't forgiven him.
• 42:30
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you haven't though.
• 42:32
  SPEAKER_00: But like, I don't want you to think that automatically means that.
• 42:35
  SPEAKER_00: So I'd say examine it all.
• 42:38
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and if you find you haven't forgiven him, then you haven't forgiven him, and you can move from that point on and figure that out.
• 42:46
  SPEAKER_00: But like, don't get hung up on like I said I forgive him, but I don't know if I do, like, so what?
• 42:51
  SPEAKER_00: He shouldn't have date he did to make you have to forgive him.
• 42:55
  SPEAKER_00: So that's on him.
• 42:57
  SPEAKER_00: But I wish you the best of luck in this journey because it's it's a journey, and I I feel you.
• 43:05
  SPEAKER_00: All right, y'all.
• 43:06
  SPEAKER_00: That's it for this episode.
• 43:08
  SPEAKER_00: Make sure y'all are sharing, liking, subscribing, commenting, blasting this out, reposting, getting the word out so we can continue to grow and we can continue to spread the word.
• 43:22
  SPEAKER_00: Because I feel like we have so much love to give, we have so many people to touch, and we ain't getting out to all these people, and I can only do it with y'all's help.
• 43:32
  SPEAKER_00: So help me help y'all send this out.
• 43:35
  SPEAKER_00: Let's get it in the algorithm and let's get it going.
• 43:39
  SPEAKER_00: And remember to follow us on the socials, hit us on the email if y'all got any concerns, and submit your I say this with love submissions at that tiny URL link.
• 43:48
  SPEAKER_00: And as a final reminder, we mentioned last episode that the Patreon has been sunseted through the end of the year.
• 43:56
  SPEAKER_00: However, we do still have content up if you want to go check it out.
• 44:00
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing has been deleted, but nothing will be added through the rest of this year.
• 44:04
  SPEAKER_00: Let me get my bearings.
• 44:06
  SPEAKER_00: Got a lot of irons in the fire.
• 44:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just trying to figure it all out, but we're gonna keep this rocking, so y'all ain't gotta worry about that.
• 44:13
  SPEAKER_00: But check it out.
• 44:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's up for y'all to enjoy.
• 44:16
  SPEAKER_00: But I appreciate y'all.
• 44:18
  SPEAKER_00: And as always, I'm RJ.
• 44:20
  SPEAKER_00: This is the Alive I Guess podcast, and I'll see y'all same time next week.
• 44:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a live like this.