Latest / The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show / Episode 29, Season 1: That's My Life: Part 1

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Episode 29, Season 1: That's My Life: Part 1 · The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show

• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Love Doc podcast. I am your co
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: host Raina Butcher here with our host, doctor Saarah Hensleep.
• 0:15
  Speaker 2: Hi.
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: Hi, So today's episode episode twenty nine. Wow, I know
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: we're almost at the fifty mark far away? Yeah, is
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: that's my life?
• 0:30
  Speaker 2: Yeah?
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: And so you're going to tell our listeners that they
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: probably already know bits and pieces because I feel like
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: you're really good about implementing your story and a lot
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: of your content, but in totality sort of from beginning
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: to end. Yeah, I guess we could both like we
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: can like compare trauma and other stories. We wouldn't be
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: here all night, Viera all night, but I'll chime in
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: here and there, you know. But I think, you know,
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: start from the beginning and tell people about your story
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: and how you got to where you are now. And yeah,
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: I think that, uh, they'll be intrigued. I'm intrigued. I
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: might learn something. Actually.
• 1:20
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think I was probably fairly mentally ill as
• 1:25
  Speaker 2: a child. Yeah, honestly, because I had such bad anxiety
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: as a kid.
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: Did you know that's what it was?
• 1:36
  Speaker 2: Now?
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: Yeah?
• 1:37
  Speaker 2: And it was really hard to describe, right because you
• 1:41
  Speaker 2: don't you're a kid into a limited language to describe,
• 1:45
  Speaker 2: you know, your innermost feelings. But I had crippling perfectionism,
• 1:51
  Speaker 2: and I think the anxiety was around that because I
• 1:54
  Speaker 2: don't and you know, I'm looking at my family dynamic
• 1:57
  Speaker 2: and I'm like, I don't really know where I got
• 1:58
  Speaker 2: that from. Because my parents weren't people that like really
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: pushed me to be some incredible high achievers. Like they
• 2:04
  Speaker 2: were very middle class. My mom had an associate's degree,
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: my dad did have his bachelor's degree.
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: There were business owners, though, weren't they.
• 2:12
  Speaker 2: At one point when I was in college, they tried
• 2:14
  Speaker 2: that for a while and that did not go well.
• 2:17
  Speaker 2: My dad had bipolar disorder, and apparently he had a
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: nervous breakdown when I was two. So I don't remember
• 2:24
  Speaker 2: it right, but apparently it was a very very subconsciousness.
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: My nervous system does right. And that's the crazy thing
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: is that we think, well, they don't have any cognitive
• 2:34
  Speaker 2: memories of it as young children, but the nervous system
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: still gets imprinted, right. So my dad was hospitalized for
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: a number of weeks, and apparently that time was really
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: really hard on my mom. Sure, and my brother says
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: that he remembers my mom like giving him a bath.
• 2:53
  Speaker 2: He was three years older than me, so he was
• 2:55
  Speaker 2: like five at the time and being like, well, your
• 2:58
  Speaker 2: dad and I are getting divorced, and my brother being like, well,
• 3:02
  Speaker 2: who's going to take care of me? She's like, I
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: will so, But then they didn't get divorced, so he
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: came back home. He was very very heavily medicated, and
• 3:12
  Speaker 2: that created a journey in his life of being very
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: very heavily medicated and really.
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: Like mood stabilizer, medicated stabilizers, benzodiazepins, you know, all sorts.
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: Just to give you guys kind of a reference, like,
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: I mean, that's sort of what's wrong with Britney Spears
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: is she's been on mood stabilizers for so long that
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: it's kind of even though they put you on mood
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: stabilizers to help with mental illness, in and of itself
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: creates mental illness.
• 3:46
  Speaker 2: Yeah, So I think a lot of my dad's mental
• 3:48
  Speaker 2: illness was actually like polypharmacy issues. Throughout his life, he
• 3:54
  Speaker 2: developed a chronic pain disorder, which I think was neuroplastic
• 3:59
  Speaker 2: pain or psychological pain. I mean, it fit the bill
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: one hundred percent for that. But he would never listen
• 4:03
  Speaker 2: to me. He would always say, no, you don't understand
• 4:05
  Speaker 2: something wrong with my back, something draw on my back,
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: on my back, And he would have MRIs every single
• 4:10
  Speaker 2: year and they would be like, nothing's wrong with you, right,
• 4:13
  Speaker 2: or maybe you have some degenerative discs, but it shouldn't
• 4:16
  Speaker 2: be causing this much pain. Right. But the pain that
• 4:18
  Speaker 2: he described I now know from like Alan Gordon's research
• 4:21
  Speaker 2: in a cool SAX research and all of those good
• 4:24
  Speaker 2: folks that he likely had pain from trauma, yeah, right,
• 4:28
  Speaker 2: from just neuroplastic pain from nervous system dysregulation. He had
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: a very, very awful, difficult childhood. He did not know
• 4:37
  Speaker 2: that his dad that raised him was not his real
• 4:39
  Speaker 2: dad until he was eighteen. Yeah, so that kind of
• 4:41
  Speaker 2: family secret got buried and then accidentally came out through
• 4:46
  Speaker 2: another relative, and he took that pretty hard. He was
• 4:49
  Speaker 2: very abused as a child. His mother, my grandmother was
• 4:52
  Speaker 2: a raging narcissist. I mean she was really bad. And
• 4:55
  Speaker 2: then his dad was stepdad was physically abusive to him.
• 4:59
  Speaker 2: Never his real dad. He did get in contact with him,
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: and he never wanted to have anything to do with
• 5:03
  Speaker 2: him because he was married. Oh wow, when he got
• 5:07
  Speaker 2: my grandmother pregnant, and she was sixteen when she got pregnant,
• 5:10
  Speaker 2: so she was sixteen when she had him.
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: And you know, I mean, I don't think we've ever
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: really talked about generational trauma and like how what that
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: really encompasses. But I mean just all I know is
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: that it's sort of like this trickling down effect.
• 5:25
  Speaker 2: It is, I mean, through our behavior, but also it
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: changes our DNA. Right, We have a science of abigenetics
• 5:30
  Speaker 2: that shows that, you know, our experiences can change our
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: DNA and so then that gets passed on. Sure, right,
• 5:38
  Speaker 2: so shoo, my lineage has some stuff going on. But
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: I think I had anxiety as a child because my
• 5:48
  Speaker 2: dad's moods were just so unpredictable, Like you never knew
• 5:51
  Speaker 2: what version of him you were going to get. Right,
• 5:53
  Speaker 2: you might get like happy, go lucky dad, who would
• 5:56
  Speaker 2: like take you for an ice cream cone. Or you
• 5:58
  Speaker 2: might get really pissed off that's gonna you know, trip
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: over your shoe and then launch your shoes outside and
• 6:05
  Speaker 2: screaming in your face. You know, you just didn't know
• 6:08
  Speaker 2: what you were going to get.
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: We had a similar dynamic. It was just it just
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: in my dynamic. It was my mother who would do
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: that sort of thing.
• 6:15
  Speaker 2: Yeah, And my mom was a very dismissive avoidance where
• 6:19
  Speaker 2: she would just get angry at him for his reactions
• 6:22
  Speaker 2: and then she would shut down.
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: See my dad was just completely passive, no emotion. Yeah,
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: I would just disappear.
• 6:29
  Speaker 2: My mom would never like freak out angry. But she
• 6:32
  Speaker 2: didn't have like the f a temper. Yeah, she has
• 6:34
  Speaker 2: like she had like the da frustration and would just
• 6:37
  Speaker 2: say like maybe a few like things things her under
• 6:40
  Speaker 2: her breath, and then like go away. Right. So they
• 6:43
  Speaker 2: had a terrible marriage. I mean I have not one
• 6:45
  Speaker 2: memory of them being loving to each other, and except
• 6:50
  Speaker 2: for when my dad was on his deathbed a year
• 6:51
  Speaker 2: and a half ago and she was nice to him,
• 6:54
  Speaker 2: but they hated each other.
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: I have similar memories of my God, they hated.
• 6:58
  Speaker 2: Each other, and so I think, of course that imprinted
• 7:02
  Speaker 2: me with this idea that love is just painful, right,
• 7:05
  Speaker 2: that's what it means, and people just betray you, and
• 7:08
  Speaker 2: my dad did betray her. My dad would do things
• 7:10
  Speaker 2: I could get manic and buy really expensive music equipment
• 7:14
  Speaker 2: because he was a musician, and he would buy amps
• 7:18
  Speaker 2: and guitars and run up credit cards, and then my
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: mom would find out and he really struggled to keep
• 7:23
  Speaker 2: a job. So my mom, as a dental hygienist, was
• 7:27
  Speaker 2: the main breadwinner most of my life, which they don't,
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: you know, make tons of money, and so it was
• 7:35
  Speaker 2: one of those things we never knew like if my
• 7:37
  Speaker 2: dad had a job, we had some money, maybe things
• 7:39
  Speaker 2: would be okay, or my dad would lose that job
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: and then we were in big trouble. And it was
• 7:45
  Speaker 2: constant my mom freaking out about money. And so there
• 7:49
  Speaker 2: was just so much.
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: Anks the scarcity of mindset around money too. And I
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: can relate to this as well because it was like
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: this in my family. A lot of our family done
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: are quite similar.
• 8:01
  Speaker 2: They are.
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: It's sort of this is still one piece of my
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: journey that I'm still working on in terms of healing.
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: Is money right? Is my relationship with money? Because we
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: all know that everything is in relation right, Everything that
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: we are right, Anything we interact with is a relationship.
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: And I think that similar upbringing was that it was
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: we either were doing really great or it was really bad,
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: so it was like really high or really low. And
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: so it's given me this mentality and I don't know
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: if anyone else can relate to this where just for example,
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: during COVID, when toilet paper became scarce, I would get
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: really manic about toilet paper. I still do it with toothpaste,
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: like the necessities. I'll do it with anything. Really, I
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: feel like, Okay, I have money right now, and so
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: I need or want this thing. So I have to
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: get it right now, even if I shouldn't. And it's
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: because that scarcity relationship is oh gosh, it's like panic mode.
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: I have to do it now. I have to buy
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: it now. I have to buy seventeen million rolls of
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: toilet paper or a might roll run out, you know,
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: And I'm working on it.
• 9:19
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I'm working on it.
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: I understand because it makes me speaking of being maniche like,
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: it sort of makes me maniche when when spending right,
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: I'll spend a lot when I shouldn't because I feel
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: like I have to do it now, because what if
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: in like two months, I don't have any money, and
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: you know, I've gotten better over time. I'm like, you
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: know what money flows to me, It comes to me. Yeah,
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: it's okay.
• 9:47
  Speaker 2: I've really been able to heal that. Yeah, And I
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: definitely operated that way for a long time, and that's
• 9:53
  Speaker 2: something I think God just really just removed. Honestly, I
• 9:57
  Speaker 2: didn't really do any work around it. God just kind
• 9:59
  Speaker 2: of took that for me. And what I've learned is
• 10:02
  Speaker 2: the more like, the more generous I am with my money,
• 10:06
  Speaker 2: the more I give my money, the more it just
• 10:09
  Speaker 2: keeps coming. And so I just decide, I just say, God,
• 10:12
  Speaker 2: I'm going to use it as well as I can
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: for your kingdom and give even more than you say to,
• 10:17
  Speaker 2: which is ten percent. You know, I'm going to give
• 10:20
  Speaker 2: ten percent, and then I'm going to give above and
• 10:22
  Speaker 2: beyond that in lots of different areas. And then I
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: just don't worry about it. And it seems to be.
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: A working model.
• 10:27
  Speaker 2: Set's working. It's working well. But yeah, it was. There
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: were so many highs and lows, for sure. But I
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: will say that my parents, I know, they did the
• 10:38
  Speaker 2: best that they could. I definitely had all the necessities
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: as a child. I was very blessed, like I was loved.
• 10:45
  Speaker 2: I was, and I think that financially, you know, I
• 10:51
  Speaker 2: never quite went completely without. You know, it's not like
• 10:53
  Speaker 2: we didn't have clothes or food to eat, which was
• 10:56
  Speaker 2: a blessing because there are people in this country that
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: don't have those things, and so we were what I
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: would consider probably like lower middle class at times, maybe
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: regular middle class, like when we were doing good. But
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: I think the hardest thing around my house was just
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: that there wasn't a lot of like joyous fun, easygoing
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: like laughter, you know. There was just always like stress, right,
• 11:29
  Speaker 2: And I know that my dad made my mom's life
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: an absolute living hell. And so I don't blame her
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: because she was raised Catholic. You don't get divorced, you know,
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: you stay married, and so she put up with it.
• 11:48
  Speaker 2: And my dad, to be one hundred percent honest, might
• 11:52
  Speaker 2: not have survived on his own very well. And there
• 11:54
  Speaker 2: was a point in time where my mom knew if
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: she left, he would die because he a just very
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: very quickly. He had his first heart attack at forty four.
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: Wow, I did not know that he did. Yeah, huh,
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: I knew I'd learned something.
• 12:09
  Speaker 2: So he had very bad heart disease, which was something
• 12:12
  Speaker 2: that always really scared my mom.
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so that was the side effect of the pharmaceuticals
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: as well. No, it's probably a combination.
• 12:21
  Speaker 2: He just didn't take care of himself in any He smoked,
• 12:23
  Speaker 2: he drank, he ate whatever he wanted to do multiple mods,
• 12:28
  Speaker 2: so many medicaids, did not move, did not exercise.
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: He wasn't even mobile at the end.
• 12:34
  Speaker 2: He was not He was in a wheelchair at the
• 12:36
  Speaker 2: end of his life. So he died. It would have
• 12:39
  Speaker 2: been a year this past April, so it's been about
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: a year and a half and he wasn't mobile for years. Yeah,
• 12:48
  Speaker 2: And you know, it was really really sad because my mom,
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: on the other hand, is like a complete opposite. And
• 12:54
  Speaker 2: my mom's freaking beat pancreatic cancer and she still can
• 12:58
  Speaker 2: go to jazzer side looks great. Speaking of I'm looking
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: for a partner for my mother. I'm thinking about using
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: my platform to try to find her somebody.
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: Okay, she's said.
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: A lot of healing work, you know, she's done a
• 13:11
  Speaker 2: lot of work, and so pretty and so beautiful. She
• 13:15
  Speaker 2: looks fifty, Yeah, she does, looks freaking fifty. And she's
• 13:18
  Speaker 2: nice body four yeah. Yeah, so I might do that.
• 13:22
  Speaker 2: She's kind, very kind, She's a kind on my mom
• 13:26
  Speaker 2: and my here's the thing. My mom always showed up
• 13:28
  Speaker 2: for me.
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 13:29
  Speaker 2: My mom would bend over backwards to show up for
• 13:31
  Speaker 2: me in my childhood. I remember when I we lived
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: out in the country, and we had this gravel driveway
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: and we lived like right on the edge of the
• 13:42
  Speaker 2: snow belt of Ohio, which funny enough, people don't realize that,
• 13:47
  Speaker 2: like Ohio has a lot of like Appalachian territory.
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: Yeah, right, yeah, in.
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: Our Appalachian territory. I should say. I don't want to
• 13:53
  Speaker 2: get in trouble for lat Appalachian Territory. I know, in
• 13:57
  Speaker 2: school they teach you Appalaysia. It's not it's Appalachia.
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 14:00
  Speaker 2: And so it was like the outskirts of the Appalachian Territory,
• 14:05
  Speaker 2: and everybody sounded very Southern, which is interesting because people think, well,
• 14:08
  Speaker 2: like the Cincinnati area has a very strong like northern accent,
• 14:12
  Speaker 2: and then like this like south like central Ohio to
• 14:16
  Speaker 2: like the south eastern part, getting down close towards you know,
• 14:21
  Speaker 2: conduct to some rurals Virginia, very very and that's where
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: I basically grew up, was very rural Ohio. And so
• 14:31
  Speaker 2: we had this like gravel driveway and it snowed, and
• 14:33
  Speaker 2: my mom fell down and broke her leg, like a nasty,
• 14:37
  Speaker 2: nasty break, like all the way up her leg, like
• 14:39
  Speaker 2: she'd have surgery, she'd have pins on her leg, she
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: had a cast that was like a full leg cast.
• 14:44
  Speaker 2: Do you know that woman drove to work thirty minutes
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: every single day, would prop her leg up on a
• 14:49
  Speaker 2: box to do dental hygiene because she was our only
• 14:54
  Speaker 2: source of adia. And then I'll never forget that when
• 14:57
  Speaker 2: I was inducted into National Honor Society, she he had
• 15:00
  Speaker 2: a limp for a really long time. She had just
• 15:01
  Speaker 2: gotten her cast office. She could barely walk down that floor,
• 15:04
  Speaker 2: but she did it with me for National or Society,
• 15:07
  Speaker 2: you know. So my mom always showed up for me,
• 15:10
  Speaker 2: and for that I am forever grateful.
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: There is something about like mom superpowers. Like yeah, like
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: you know, you hear about those moms that like pick
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: up cars, you know, off their child and stuff. Oh yeah,
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: me too. Yeah, I totally get it. Dad.
• 15:23
  Speaker 2: On the other hand, if you wanted anything from my dad,
• 15:27
  Speaker 2: you had to tell him over and over and over
• 15:31
  Speaker 2: and then remind him again like five minutes before. He
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: was just so checked out. I don't know if it's
• 15:36
  Speaker 2: because he like smoked a lot of weed, or if
• 15:38
  Speaker 2: it's because I don't know the pharmacy polypharmacy drinking. I mean,
• 15:44
  Speaker 2: I don't know.
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: I knew your dad for a very short period of time,
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: you know, towards the end of his life, and only
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: probably saw him, I don't know, half a dozen times
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: in our friendship. Yeah, and you could tell that he wasn't.
• 15:56
  Speaker 2: Oh he was all there. No, he was. He was
• 16:00
  Speaker 2: in the early stages of dementia again, but we don't
• 16:02
  Speaker 2: know if that was polypharma. The polypharmacy only got worse
• 16:05
  Speaker 2: as he got older, because then they added pain medications.
• 16:08
  Speaker 2: I mean, they put him on hawxy conton down here
• 16:10
  Speaker 2: in Kentucky, you know, like there's we have it's such
• 16:14
  Speaker 2: an opioid crisis. We still do. But twenty years ago
• 16:17
  Speaker 2: it was nothing but pill mills, and they moved to
• 16:19
  Speaker 2: southern Kentucky, and so of course he went to pain
• 16:22
  Speaker 2: management and they gave him as well to stuff, and
• 16:24
  Speaker 2: he was never the same. Not that he was rolling
• 16:28
  Speaker 2: well before that. He had a lot of problems. But
• 16:32
  Speaker 2: as a child, I was extremely high achiever, very anxious
• 16:37
  Speaker 2: over my grades, very wanted to be a top athlete.
• 16:42
  Speaker 2: So I was in competitive dance and cheer. And then
• 16:45
  Speaker 2: I remember some negative things, like having to quit dance
• 16:48
  Speaker 2: when my dad lost yet another job. We ended up
• 16:53
  Speaker 2: having to move the end of my seventh grade year.
• 16:56
  Speaker 2: We were supposed to move the beginning of my seventh
• 16:57
  Speaker 2: grade year, but I made the cheerleading squad and my
• 17:02
  Speaker 2: mom wanted me to be able to stay. So we
• 17:04
  Speaker 2: lived in an apartment and my dad went up and
• 17:07
  Speaker 2: lived in outside Columbus where he had gotten this new job.
• 17:11
  Speaker 2: And then you know what he did to my mom,
• 17:13
  Speaker 2: which was crazy. He was living in one of his relatives,
• 17:17
  Speaker 2: like older house, like older farmhouses. He got fired and
• 17:21
  Speaker 2: then lot like did not tell my mom for like
• 17:24
  Speaker 2: six weeks, and then my mom's just like watching the
• 17:27
  Speaker 2: bank account go down and like, what, why haven't you
• 17:30
  Speaker 2: gotten made? And then he's like, oh well, and he
• 17:34
  Speaker 2: always had an excuse why they faint?
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: Did you learn this?
• 17:36
  Speaker 2: It was never like my mom would tell me everything. Yeah, see,
• 17:39
  Speaker 2: so she didn't know that. That's parentification, Like she didn't know.
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: I only asked you as my mom. Did I know
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: so much about my parents' relationship too, And it's because
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: my mom, like I was almost her confidant. Yeah, and
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: I'll be honest, it probably did more damage than anything.
• 17:59
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's you know, but they just didn't know any better.
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: They didn't and you know, I mean, she I look
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: back now, and I'm like, she had sort of isolated
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: herself for so long with the four of us, the
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: four of us were her life. And then, you know,
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: when my parents got a divorce. It was later on,
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: and so I was the only one at home at
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: the time. She had sort of isolated herself for so long.
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: She didn't have a ton of close friends.
• 18:25
  Speaker 2: My mom didn't either, and so I was.
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: All she had. And she was in severe pain, you know,
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: severe emotional pain. And so even if she wasn't in
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: severe emotional pain and she'd come to me, and I
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: don't think she would have realized it, but then you
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: add severe emotional pain on top of it, there would
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: have been no way that she recognized what it was doing, right,
• 18:46
  Speaker 1: but it was. It was killing me. It was killing
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: me for sure.
• 18:49
  Speaker 2: Yeah, my mom would kind of vent to my brother
• 18:52
  Speaker 2: and I. And my mom didn't have any close friends
• 18:56
  Speaker 2: either because she was too busy working and doing absolute everything.
• 19:00
  Speaker 2: My dad did, legit nothing. My mom cleaned the house.
• 19:04
  Speaker 2: My mom ran us around. I mean occasionally maybe my
• 19:07
  Speaker 2: dad would like run us around if my mom was like,
• 19:09
  Speaker 2: you have to pick up the kid, right, but and
• 19:12
  Speaker 2: he could maybe pick us up and take us home,
• 19:14
  Speaker 2: but he wasn't.
• 19:16
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: See my mom didn't work. She's super.
• 19:19
  Speaker 2: Yeah, my mom she did everything. So I kind of
• 19:23
  Speaker 2: see my mom's life when I was a child of her,
• 19:25
  Speaker 2: just trying to get through the day.
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: Yeah, survival, survival mode.
• 19:29
  Speaker 2: And that makes me so sad for her.
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: Yeah, no, wonder you were anxious. Yeah, the female role
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: model in your life lived in constant anxiousness. Yeah, it
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: was all you had, you saw.
• 19:42
  Speaker 2: And so I think that that drove my high achieving
• 19:45
  Speaker 2: in school because my mom was like, don't ever depend
• 19:48
  Speaker 2: on a man because they'll let you down. You know,
• 19:50
  Speaker 2: you have to be able to survive. You have to
• 19:52
  Speaker 2: have a skill, you have to this. So I was like, Okay,
• 19:54
  Speaker 2: I better do good because I don't ever want to
• 19:56
  Speaker 2: go through this. And yeah, I've been the only reason
• 20:00
  Speaker 2: I was really able to. I think about my first
• 20:02
  Speaker 2: marriage and I'm like, oh my gosh, had I not
• 20:05
  Speaker 2: had a decent career of my own, imagine being a
• 20:09
  Speaker 2: stay at home mom and trapped in that abuse for life.
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Well, and I mean I think a lot of
• 20:17
  Speaker 1: your clients are in that situation, whether you're whether male
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: or female. I mean, probably more so female than not.
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: But you know, I mean, I just had a call
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: with somebody the other day, very similar situation. She wanted out.
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: I don't know what the level of abuse. We didn't
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: get into that, but she did talk about, you know,
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: that she hadn't worked for years, and that it was
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: really hard to try to find a job, you know,
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: when you hadn't worked for years.
• 20:43
  Speaker 2: And I think that's why I like I I really
• 20:47
  Speaker 2: don't like the whole it's we need to all be
• 20:50
  Speaker 2: trad wives now. I'm like, no, don't, don't do that.
• 20:53
  Speaker 2: It's not good I do, because what you're going to
• 20:55
  Speaker 2: trust that person forever? I mean, maybe they'll work out. Yeah,
• 20:58
  Speaker 2: that's what we all want. That's not what we all get.
• 21:02
  Speaker 2: And I know how messed up everybody is out there.
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: Create an empire that works itself, yeah, and then you
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: can do whatever you want.
• 21:09
  Speaker 2: That is true. Yeah. So it was very high achieving.
• 21:13
  Speaker 2: But I was, oh boy, the most dramatic teenager on
• 21:17
  Speaker 2: the face of the earth. Yeah, and I'm raising two girls.
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: Should we get our journals out one episode and read
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: our journals when we were like thirteen.
• 21:23
  Speaker 2: I don't even know where mine are. Oh, I have
• 21:25
  Speaker 2: a to I wish I would have kept stuff like that,
• 21:28
  Speaker 2: but I'd.
• 21:28
  Speaker 1: Do so many and it was probably like so, yeah,
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: ross was really means to me today and who knows
• 21:34
  Speaker 1: what I even said there. I would love to pull
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: them out though, Oh gosh, because I was a very.
• 21:38
  Speaker 2: Dramatic I always had friend drama, always had friend drama.
• 21:42
  Speaker 2: Friend alliance is constantly shifting, constantly changing, always feeling like
• 21:45
  Speaker 2: I was stabbed in the back. Yeah, I was bullied
• 21:49
  Speaker 2: in high school. I was very popular in high school,
• 21:52
  Speaker 2: but it didn't make me feel any better because everybody
• 21:56
  Speaker 2: there was. You know, It's like you can be popular,
• 21:59
  Speaker 2: but people.
• 21:59
  Speaker 1: Still people still hated you.
• 22:01
  Speaker 2: Yeah, And in fact, I think it made it worse
• 22:04
  Speaker 2: same experience. It made it worse because the women, I
• 22:09
  Speaker 2: guess we'd call them women at that age, if they
• 22:13
  Speaker 2: felt like you were prettier or more popular or whatever
• 22:16
  Speaker 2: oh you were, they wanted to take you down. Yeah,
• 22:19
  Speaker 2: for sure, I'll never forget. There was homecoming court, and
• 22:25
  Speaker 2: the way our school did it was like you had
• 22:27
  Speaker 2: a freshman intendant, a sophomore intendant, and junior attendant, two
• 22:30
  Speaker 2: senior attendants in the Queen. I think they told me
• 22:33
  Speaker 2: I was the only one in the history of the
• 22:35
  Speaker 2: school that had been nominated every single year and never
• 22:38
  Speaker 2: never got it until I was homecoming queen. So I
• 22:41
  Speaker 2: was never an attendant. I always got beat out by
• 22:43
  Speaker 2: somebody else. And then I ended up being homecoming Queens. Wow,
• 22:46
  Speaker 2: which was really cool.
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: I walked all four years but did not when homecoming gotcha.
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: But we had basketball football. In fact, Lauren that never
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: lets me forget. She's like, oh, it's homecoming queen. It's
• 22:58
  Speaker 1: my other friend. But there was. But I walked every year,
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: but it was different our school high school, like they
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: picked four from each class to walk, and then it
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: was always a senior that won.
• 23:09
  Speaker 2: Obviously yeah yeah, but always.
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: The bridesmaid, never the bride over here, you were the.
• 23:15
  Speaker 2: Most beautiful bride last year. You got to be the
• 23:19
  Speaker 2: find on your white drive, that's right. And then I
• 23:23
  Speaker 2: got into my university, which was a pretty competitive, it's
• 23:27
  Speaker 2: a great college. My boyfriend at the time, who was
• 23:31
  Speaker 2: a raging narcissist and who was super emotionally abusive, And
• 23:36
  Speaker 2: that's another thing. I think that there was this just
• 23:40
  Speaker 2: this sub there was a subconscious crap that I had
• 23:42
  Speaker 2: to work out around. Why didn't my parents protect me
• 23:46
  Speaker 2: from these awful boys? Yeah, like my parents knew how
• 23:51
  Speaker 2: awful my high school boyfriend was. Like he would like
• 23:53
  Speaker 2: scream at me and hang up the phone on me,
• 23:55
  Speaker 2: and I would be crying and telling my mom. I
• 23:56
  Speaker 2: don't think my mom ever once said can you break
• 24:00
  Speaker 2: with him? I get rid of him.
• 24:02
  Speaker 1: I think my.
• 24:02
  Speaker 2: Mom's relationship history obviously was so messed up that like
• 24:06
  Speaker 2: she just didn't have a reference point. So what was good?
• 24:09
  Speaker 2: Was it that or.
• 24:10
  Speaker 1: Was it like by the time that we got there,
• 24:12
  Speaker 1: here's what I feel like happened with my parents. By
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: the time that I got there, my parents were checked out,
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: So it was like maybe it was just like it.
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: I mean my mom, of course, I remember like when
• 24:23
  Speaker 1: my heart was broken multiple times in high school by
• 24:25
  Speaker 1: my high school boyfriend, who also sucked, Like I remember
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: her like those were the times that I felt like
• 24:32
  Speaker 1: my mother was really soft, the only times that she
• 24:34
  Speaker 1: was really soft where you know, she wanted to comfort me,
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: she wanted me to be okay. But at the same time, no,
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: my mom was like, get rid of that ass. Never
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: mind she was, she was like, I got rid of him.
• 24:48
  Speaker 2: My mom was very much there was an element to
• 24:51
  Speaker 2: her that was very pro like pro having a man.
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: In your life.
• 24:54
  Speaker 2: Yeah, which yeah, was also weird because again my dad,
• 25:00
  Speaker 2: I was just my dad.
• 25:00
  Speaker 3: I don't know.
• 25:01
  Speaker 2: Yeah, but so I think that that shaped like that
• 25:05
  Speaker 2: first relationship, that first love really shaped me, Yeah, because
• 25:10
  Speaker 2: it was extremely abusive. He cheated on me chronically and
• 25:14
  Speaker 2: I would find out about it and I would have
• 25:15
  Speaker 2: a meltdown and I would hate these girls. I would
• 25:19
  Speaker 2: hate these girls he cheated on me with. But then
• 25:22
  Speaker 2: take him right back.
• 25:23
  Speaker 1: It's crazy how much our our stories are just so similar.
• 25:26
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's wild crazy. And then I dated him until
• 25:30
  Speaker 2: so my whole freshman year of college I dated him,
• 25:34
  Speaker 2: and then it was the beginning of my sophomore year.
• 25:38
  Speaker 2: We had it. I came back home, we had a
• 25:39
  Speaker 2: summer together, and went back to school. He did not
• 25:41
  Speaker 2: get into Miami. He went to Ohio University, and so
• 25:45
  Speaker 2: we were at separate colleges. But I'll never forget his
• 25:49
  Speaker 2: fur turned and he was in the same fraternity that
• 25:51
  Speaker 2: my brother was in when he was at high university.
• 25:53
  Speaker 2: So my brother went to OU as well, and they
• 25:56
  Speaker 2: had like an alumni event or something like that. So
• 25:59
  Speaker 2: my brother goes down for this alumni event and my
• 26:02
  Speaker 2: stupid boyfriend is making out some girl at this fraternity
• 26:07
  Speaker 2: event where my brother was. My brother's the one that
• 26:11
  Speaker 2: told me, and I was like, that's the final straw.
• 26:13
  Speaker 2: I'm breaking up with them. And then he invited me
• 26:18
  Speaker 2: down to work it out, like he wanted to work
• 26:21
  Speaker 2: it out. And I drove all the way, which is
• 26:22
  Speaker 2: like a three and a half hour drive to a
• 26:24
  Speaker 2: high a university, and then he wouldn't come out of
• 26:25
  Speaker 2: his dorm room and he had another girl in his
• 26:27
  Speaker 2: storm room. I think I told you that story.
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: Before I have Yeah, which again, something broke my heart.
• 26:31
  Speaker 2: I was devastated. I was devastated for literally over a year.
• 26:35
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I here, I will say this. There is no
• 26:38
  Speaker 1: heartbreak like the first love.
• 26:40
  Speaker 2: Oh man.
• 26:41
  Speaker 1: Like I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. I lost so
• 26:43
  Speaker 1: much weight. I mean, I just like whittled down to
• 26:46
  Speaker 1: nothing when Ross broke my heart. But get this shit.
• 26:51
  Speaker 1: And when I was in high school, we were a
• 26:55
  Speaker 1: pretty tight knit group. And there were you know, some sophomore,
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: some juniors, I mean, we were all different grades. But
• 27:05
  Speaker 1: Ross's next door neighbor, who I will not call out
• 27:09
  Speaker 1: by name, had secretly slept with his older brother like
• 27:17
  Speaker 1: all four years of his high school career. Well, Ross's
• 27:21
  Speaker 1: older brother, you know, who is three years older than us,
• 27:24
  Speaker 1: graduates and moves on, goes to college. And this same neighbor,
• 27:29
  Speaker 1: who was one of my best friends. Yes, yes, Sarah, yes,
• 27:33
  Speaker 1: this same neighbor once Ross's older brother leaves, starts sleeping
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: with Ross and started sleeping with her. She was a
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: year older than us.
• 27:42
  Speaker 2: That makes me want to throat punch that guy.
• 27:44
  Speaker 1: Well and her, but so she was a sophomore when
• 27:49
  Speaker 1: we came in to be freshman, which is when they
• 27:51
  Speaker 1: started sleeping together. And Ross and I started dating in
• 27:54
  Speaker 1: the eighth grade and dated all through high school. They
• 27:58
  Speaker 1: were sleeping together all four years, and they were like
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: like they were like looking back, Oh my gosh, looking
• 28:07
  Speaker 1: back that all the signs were there. Yeah, the signs,
• 28:10
  Speaker 1: which is and then we all go on this big
• 28:13
  Speaker 1: senior trip again. The girl in question, who I won't name,
• 28:17
  Speaker 1: had moved on and was in a freshman in college,
• 28:20
  Speaker 1: but still came on this our senior trip with all
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: of us, the big group of us. At this point,
• 28:24
  Speaker 1: Ross and I are like in one of our broken
• 28:26
  Speaker 1: up stages or whatever, which happened a lot. We were
• 28:28
  Speaker 1: on again, off again, and shit hits the fan. Everybody
• 28:34
  Speaker 1: comes clean to me while we're in Panama City on
• 28:37
  Speaker 1: our senior trip that Ross and unnamed girl have been
• 28:42
  Speaker 1: sleeping together for four years behind my back.
• 28:47
  Speaker 2: I know.
• 28:48
  Speaker 1: And the thing is the worst part of it was
• 28:51
  Speaker 1: I lost every friend that same night because everybody knew, yeah, every.
• 28:57
  Speaker 2: Single yeah, same thing happened to me.
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: It was you want to talk about a gut punch.
• 29:01
  Speaker 1: Thank god Reagan at that time, who was two years
• 29:06
  Speaker 1: older than me, my older sister, she had just had Madison,
• 29:10
  Speaker 1: my niece, and her dad was from Panama City and
• 29:13
  Speaker 1: she was in Panama City. She was living in Panama City.
• 29:16
  Speaker 2: Oh dang.
• 29:17
  Speaker 1: And there I was on my senior trip, felt like
• 29:20
  Speaker 1: I'd been betrayed by everyone that I'd ever been friends with.
• 29:25
  Speaker 1: And my sister came to my rescue, and she came
• 29:28
  Speaker 1: to the rescue. And again the worst part was once
• 29:32
  Speaker 1: once it all came out, there set Ross an unnamed girl,
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: and they had zero remorse. In fact, they looked at
• 29:41
  Speaker 1: me and I'll never forget because I'm like sitting on
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: the bed, like bawling, crying, like in my feels. Ross
• 29:47
  Speaker 1: walks in, looks at an unnamed girl and says, come
• 29:50
  Speaker 1: on let's not stoop Terraina's level. Oh his exact words
• 29:56
  Speaker 1: is exact words. I know, I know, I mean that's sang.
• 30:05
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 30:06
  Speaker 1: And that's why I continued to choose really shitty men.
• 30:08
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, my choices didn't get a lot better, I'll
• 30:11
  Speaker 2: tell you that much. So then I really didn't date
• 30:15
  Speaker 2: anybody in college. Like I went on some dates, hung out.
• 30:18
  Speaker 1: With some guys, but nobody serious.
• 30:21
  Speaker 2: Nobody serious. Couldn't really find anybody that, you know, I
• 30:27
  Speaker 2: wanted to really date. So college felt very lonely in
• 30:30
  Speaker 2: that aspect because a lot of my friends had boyfriends,
• 30:33
  Speaker 2: and I felt like, why can't I find a boyfriend?
• 30:37
  Speaker 2: Like I'm not a bad looking check, Like, why can't
• 30:39
  Speaker 2: I find a boyfriend? But you know in Miami, I
• 30:42
  Speaker 2: don't know, Miami of Ohio is like beautiful girl Central. Yeah,
• 30:45
  Speaker 2: and so all these like average looking dudes were able
• 30:48
  Speaker 2: to score these hot chicks because it was just it
• 30:53
  Speaker 2: was very, uh, it was like sixty percent female or something,
• 30:56
  Speaker 2: so we had an advantage in the population and so
• 30:59
  Speaker 2: the men were more but similarly dan anybody in college.
• 31:03
  Speaker 2: Then I meet my first husband right out of graduating.
• 31:06
  Speaker 2: My parents had moved to southern Kentucky, which is where
• 31:09
  Speaker 2: my dad's side of the family is from. And they
• 31:12
  Speaker 2: opened a business and I met his step mom through
• 31:16
  Speaker 2: that business, and she set us up on a blind date.
• 31:19
  Speaker 2: And that boy gave me like three weeks of this
• 31:23
  Speaker 2: intense love bombing that I had not felt. I had
• 31:28
  Speaker 2: been with these like on dates, these mid dudes who
• 31:31
  Speaker 2: you know, didn't give me a second look. And then
• 31:34
  Speaker 2: here's this guy that comes in and says that I'm
• 31:36
  Speaker 2: the most beautiful, awesome.
• 31:38
  Speaker 3: Southern prince, charm suthern Man, super chivalrous, drove a nice truck,
• 31:46
  Speaker 3: big guy, big guy, muscular guy.
• 31:48
  Speaker 2: Jacked, you know, and I'm like, wow, you know. And
• 31:53
  Speaker 2: then I was kind of like the new girl in
• 31:54
  Speaker 2: the small town because I was living with my parents
• 31:56
  Speaker 2: and I was getting ready to go to the University
• 31:58
  Speaker 2: of Texas to do externship. Because I took a year off,
• 32:02
  Speaker 2: I didn't know if I wanted to go to law
• 32:03
  Speaker 2: school or grad school or what I was going to do.
• 32:05
  Speaker 2: I knew I loved psychology, but also, you know, I
• 32:09
  Speaker 2: knew how long the training was, and I didn't know
• 32:11
  Speaker 2: like law school was just a much shorter route and
• 32:13
  Speaker 2: probably more like monetarily lucrative route. So that was, you know,
• 32:17
  Speaker 2: something I was trying to decide on and fell, I
• 32:20
  Speaker 2: mean fell head over heels, obviously totally love bond. And
• 32:24
  Speaker 2: then I have to leave to go to the University
• 32:25
  Speaker 2: of Texas. So I had this intense three weeks with
• 32:27
  Speaker 2: this guy where we are together every single day, spend
• 32:30
  Speaker 2: the night every single night together, just staying up all
• 32:33
  Speaker 2: night talking, just having the time of our freaking lives.
• 32:38
  Speaker 2: I'm twenty two years old, right, just out of freaking school.
• 32:43
  Speaker 2: And then I leave to go to Texas and then
• 32:47
  Speaker 2: he's up there the next week for like a week
• 32:50
  Speaker 2: and a half. He came and stayed with me. He's like,
• 32:53
  Speaker 2: I can't, I can't not be with you. And then
• 32:56
  Speaker 2: he's like, I'm gonna go home. I'm gonna figure this
• 32:58
  Speaker 2: shit out. I'm gonna move up here. And I was like,
• 33:01
  Speaker 2: all right, cool, ghosted me? What I didn't know that either, Yeah,
• 33:06
  Speaker 2: ghosted me. Then I find out he gets back together
• 33:11
  Speaker 2: with his high school girlfriend. Of course, right, red flag,
• 33:15
  Speaker 2: and that wasn't enough to not marry the dude red So.
• 33:21
  Speaker 1: You know, oh the red flags that we see now.
• 33:26
  Speaker 2: I just want to beat myself over that.
• 33:30
  Speaker 1: I know there are no mistakes.
• 33:33
  Speaker 2: There are I got two beautiful girls out of that.
• 33:36
  Speaker 1: Sorry.
• 33:38
  Speaker 2: Yeah, So I spent that year sad about him. The
• 33:45
  Speaker 2: whole year went by almost a whole year, not a
• 33:47
  Speaker 2: whole year, gosh, what was it. That was in August
• 33:53
  Speaker 2: of two thousand and four, and then in this so
• 33:58
  Speaker 2: my internship was over, or my externship at the University
• 34:02
  Speaker 2: of Texas was over in May. So I was there
• 34:05
  Speaker 2: until May and then I came home and then I
• 34:09
  Speaker 2: actually run into him. I'm like driving next to him
• 34:14
  Speaker 2: in Somerset, like I go back to visit my parents.
• 34:17
  Speaker 2: I already got accepted to the University of Kentucky. I decided, yeah,
• 34:20
  Speaker 2: I'm in love of psychology. I want to do psychology.
• 34:23
  Speaker 2: Got accepted the University of Kentucky, so I knew I
• 34:25
  Speaker 2: was gonna be going there. So I was like staying
• 34:27
  Speaker 2: with my parents, getting ready to move to Lexington, and
• 34:30
  Speaker 2: I freaking just run into him and he like hails me,
• 34:32
  Speaker 2: like he flags me down on the road, and I'm
• 34:35
  Speaker 2: just like he does, I'm like, you know what, I
• 34:37
  Speaker 2: want to hear his freaking excuse. Yeah, So I pull
• 34:42
  Speaker 2: over and I was like, no, no, what just call me.
• 34:45
  Speaker 2: You have my number, just call me. I was on
• 34:46
  Speaker 2: the way to get my hair done, so it was
• 34:48
  Speaker 2: like I didn't want to miss my hair point. Yeah,
• 34:49
  Speaker 2: So he calls me and he's like, I owe you
• 34:51
  Speaker 2: the biggest apology. Like, I just I got so in
• 34:56
  Speaker 2: my head. I was so scared. I never felt like
• 34:58
  Speaker 2: that before.
• 35:00
  Speaker 3: He gave me this.
• 35:01
  Speaker 2: Elaborate story about how he cared about me so much.
• 35:04
  Speaker 2: It scared him so much. He just didn't know what
• 35:06
  Speaker 2: to do. And he just knew that I was going
• 35:09
  Speaker 2: to be in Texas, and you know, he was actually
• 35:13
  Speaker 2: getting ready to go to he was transferring to Center
• 35:16
  Speaker 2: College on a football scholarship, so he didn't want to
• 35:19
  Speaker 2: give up his football. He was going, He's like, was
• 35:21
  Speaker 2: going to give up this football scholarship. That makes sense, right,
• 35:24
  Speaker 2: And I'm like, why didn't you just call me to
• 35:26
  Speaker 2: tell me? Right? I mean, so he went, I don't
• 35:29
  Speaker 2: know how. Yeah, anyway, year old guys. Yeah, that's face
• 35:34
  Speaker 2: that they don't all grow up and a lot of
• 35:37
  Speaker 2: women don't grow up there, so you know it's not
• 35:39
  Speaker 2: just the men.
• 35:39
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 35:41
  Speaker 2: Yeah. So then I hear he's like he had gotten
• 35:43
  Speaker 2: back with his ex girlfriend and he was like and
• 35:46
  Speaker 2: she just wouldn't leave me alone, and you know, she
• 35:49
  Speaker 2: just was like coming after me, and she missed me
• 35:51
  Speaker 2: so much, and I just fell back into the familiar.
• 35:54
  Speaker 2: And then I didn't know how to tell. I didn't
• 35:55
  Speaker 2: know what to say. I'm just I was. I recognized
• 35:58
  Speaker 2: it was super immature. I just wanted to tell you
• 36:00
  Speaker 2: how sorry I am. He's like, you know, I'm not
• 36:03
  Speaker 2: going to bother you, just don't. I just want you
• 36:05
  Speaker 2: to know how deeply sorry I am. And I was like, okay,
• 36:07
  Speaker 2: you know, and then I didn't really hear from him.
• 36:09
  Speaker 2: And then I moved to Lexington and got ready to
• 36:12
  Speaker 2: start graduate school, and then he transferred to UK. The
• 36:16
  Speaker 2: man went to like four different colleges. He you know,
• 36:20
  Speaker 2: wasn't happy at Center, ended up transferring to the UK.
• 36:24
  Speaker 2: I'm like, freaking great.
• 36:25
  Speaker 1: Did he graduate from UK?
• 36:26
  Speaker 2: No? He then transferred to Western Kentucky University. The man
• 36:29
  Speaker 2: transferred more times because he was always getting into trouble.
• 36:32
  Speaker 1: Yeah, he's just trying to find it. Heed that voids.
• 36:35
  Speaker 2: He was trying to figure stuff out again, more red
• 36:39
  Speaker 2: flags I completely ignore, right, So I always had a
• 36:44
  Speaker 2: wonderful excuse of why he did what he did. But
• 36:46
  Speaker 2: then he just started coming around. He ended up helping
• 36:50
  Speaker 2: me move into my apartment because he was like, hey,
• 36:52
  Speaker 2: if you need help moving in, like, I'll bring some
• 36:55
  Speaker 2: of my buddies over. And I had nobody right, I'm
• 36:57
  Speaker 2: not from this day. I know, I not knew no
• 37:00
  Speaker 2: one soul in the city of Lexington, and so I
• 37:03
  Speaker 2: took him up off on it and hit So him
• 37:04
  Speaker 2: and his buddies helped me move in. Then he just
• 37:07
  Speaker 2: started coming around and I let him back in. All right,
• 37:12
  Speaker 2: get this dude, he does it to me again.
• 37:15
  Speaker 1: No, I didn't know that either. Yes, I know, I
• 37:21
  Speaker 1: rather say that about my ex.
• 37:23
  Speaker 2: So he does it to me again, but this time
• 37:25
  Speaker 2: he doesn't ghost me. He just tells me that, you know,
• 37:31
  Speaker 2: he's really been lost and he really needs to focus
• 37:34
  Speaker 2: on school, and like he really likes me, but he's
• 37:38
  Speaker 2: really just trying to he's had a habit of not
• 37:41
  Speaker 2: doing well in college and he's trying to really just
• 37:45
  Speaker 2: you know, concentrate on school and he doesn't think he
• 37:49
  Speaker 2: can have a girlfriend basically, so.
• 37:51
  Speaker 1: He was I mean, he so.
• 37:53
  Speaker 2: He gave me an excuse.
• 37:54
  Speaker 1: Well, I mean maybe he I mean that I feel
• 37:57
  Speaker 1: like that's almost sort of mature.
• 38:00
  Speaker 2: Well, that's what I thought, But it wasn't that. It
• 38:02
  Speaker 2: wasn't honestly, it was a total freaking life. Okay, ex
• 38:06
  Speaker 2: girlfriend again who went to UK. Oh, it was background,
• 38:12
  Speaker 2: so that was the excuse, And I thought, you know, okay,
• 38:14
  Speaker 2: that is mature.
• 38:15
  Speaker 1: Well the flags are fluorescent, right, absolutely glowing fluorescence. Yeah.
• 38:21
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and then her parents actually made her stop seeing him,
• 38:29
  Speaker 2: his partying and bad behavior. So then but then, huh,
• 38:36
  Speaker 2: I didn't know that then. I did not know that then. Yeah,
• 38:39
  Speaker 2: that this was all something I found out later. I
• 38:41
  Speaker 2: didn't know he was dating him her. So to my credit,
• 38:45
  Speaker 2: you thought I thought he was just trying to focus
• 38:48
  Speaker 2: on school. I didn't even know he was seeing her
• 38:50
  Speaker 2: because this was before social media, right, you have to
• 38:52
  Speaker 2: understand there was no Facebook, there was no I didn't
• 38:56
  Speaker 2: know what he was doing. It was a huge campus. Yeah,
• 39:00
  Speaker 2: wasn't running into him. I was just took his word.
• 39:03
  Speaker 2: Then I was visiting my parents that summer for like
• 39:08
  Speaker 2: a couple of weeks. I went back to Somerset and
• 39:10
  Speaker 2: was visiting my parents. Ran into him again because he
• 39:13
  Speaker 2: was a little bit younger than me, so I was
• 39:14
  Speaker 2: in graduate school. He was finishing up college and he's like,
• 39:19
  Speaker 2: you know, I think I've gotten my head on straight,
• 39:21
  Speaker 2: Like I'm actually just going to go to Western to
• 39:23
  Speaker 2: finish up, and like I decided, I actually want to
• 39:27
  Speaker 2: be in this construction management program and this is what
• 39:30
  Speaker 2: I really want to do, and this is like going
• 39:32
  Speaker 2: to be my final transfer. So then he basically we
• 39:36
  Speaker 2: started dating and we were really really inseparable, and then
• 39:40
  Speaker 2: we dated through his like last year of college at Western.
• 39:44
  Speaker 1: Did he graduate from Western?
• 39:45
  Speaker 2: He graduated from Western. He actually took an extra semester,
• 39:48
  Speaker 2: so it was a year and a.
• 39:49
  Speaker 1: Half and you know, you all were doing long distance.
• 39:53
  Speaker 2: We were doing long distance, no doubt he was probably
• 39:56
  Speaker 2: cheating on me the entire time. But we in graduate school.
• 40:01
  Speaker 2: I was still partying, he was in college, still partying.
• 40:04
  Speaker 2: We saw each other on the weekends and partied and
• 40:06
  Speaker 2: had a fantastic time. Lots of physical chemistry, lots of partying.
• 40:11
  Speaker 2: Very not responsible behavior, not a mature relationship, a weekend relationship.
• 40:17
  Speaker 2: Then he proposed to me, like right after he graduated,
• 40:27
  Speaker 2: and I was like, okay, yeah, I love you, let's
• 40:30
  Speaker 2: do this. Then he moved up with me in Lexington,
• 40:34
  Speaker 2: and that's when like the real abuse started and I
• 40:39
  Speaker 2: was already engaged. I was already paying for and planning
• 40:43
  Speaker 2: a wedding, and I'm remembering going, I do I should
• 40:47
  Speaker 2: not marry this man. But when all your friends have
• 40:51
  Speaker 2: gotten married and you are getting married, and he would
• 40:55
  Speaker 2: already shown off the ring and you were already in
• 40:58
  Speaker 2: it and having bridal shower and doing all these things,
• 41:00
  Speaker 2: and the further along of our engagement, the worse the
• 41:03
  Speaker 2: abuse got. But I felt trapped because I felt like
• 41:07
  Speaker 2: I can't bear the shame of calling off this wedding.
• 41:12
  Speaker 1: I think too, you just have that thought of like, well,
• 41:14
  Speaker 1: when we get married.
• 41:15
  Speaker 2: It'll be okay, it'll be okay, it'll be better, it'll
• 41:18
  Speaker 2: be better, It'll be better. Yeah, No it didn't. It
• 41:21
  Speaker 2: only got worse. And then I mean, he ended up
• 41:24
  Speaker 2: getting a really good job right out of college. He
• 41:28
  Speaker 2: made really good money. He was a really good provider,
• 41:32
  Speaker 2: So there was that. Yeah, And of course I'm a
• 41:36
  Speaker 2: poor grad student, so you know, I really again was
• 41:41
  Speaker 2: relying on him to sort of support us. And another
• 41:45
  Speaker 2: reason I kind of stayed in the abusive situation. And
• 41:49
  Speaker 2: then I don't know, you know, I just convinced myself
• 41:52
  Speaker 2: literally this is how dumb I was maybe if we
• 41:56
  Speaker 2: have a baby, he'll settle down and stop drinking so
• 41:58
  Speaker 2: much and stop being so awful.
• 42:00
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's not a dumb thought at all. I think
• 42:02
  Speaker 1: lots of women have that thought.
• 42:04
  Speaker 2: So I got pregnant, I mean we planned it. He's like, yeah,
• 42:08
  Speaker 2: let's have a baby. It's like, Okay, got pregnant with
• 42:10
  Speaker 2: my first. After she was born, it was went so
• 42:14
  Speaker 2: far downhill there was it was so bad. The abuse
• 42:18
  Speaker 2: was so so bad. I had complications with the pregnant
• 42:22
  Speaker 2: sea she had to be born born at thirty five weeks.
• 42:26
  Speaker 2: I had a lot of very significant and serious postpartum complications.
• 42:31
  Speaker 2: He did not support me one bit and those things.
• 42:33
  Speaker 2: My mom literally took care of me every time that
• 42:36
  Speaker 2: I was sick, injured, had just given birth. Anything that
• 42:40
  Speaker 2: I needed in my marriage, my husband couldn't give it
• 42:43
  Speaker 2: to me. My mom came and helped. So thank you Mom.
• 42:47
  Speaker 2: You helped me survive that ten years of my life,
• 42:50
  Speaker 2: and you helped my babies survived that ten years. I
• 42:55
  Speaker 2: ended up having three different surgeries after Gaby was born. Yeah,
• 43:00
  Speaker 2: it was awful and I didn't recover for like a
• 43:06
  Speaker 2: year almost postpartum, And boy did he treat me like
• 43:12
  Speaker 2: absolute shit, telling me what a terrible mother I was,
• 43:15
  Speaker 2: how I was just everybody else can have a baby
• 43:18
  Speaker 2: and be fine. Why couldn't I have had a baby
• 43:20
  Speaker 2: and be fine? What was so wrong with me?
• 43:22
  Speaker 1: Like?
• 43:22
  Speaker 2: Why do I have all these problems? And just shamed
• 43:26
  Speaker 2: the hell out of me for having these postpartum complications
• 43:30
  Speaker 2: and having the surgeries and all the things that I did.
• 43:33
  Speaker 1: And then on top of it all, you have a newborn.
• 43:35
  Speaker 2: And a newborn who's premature. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and then
• 43:43
  Speaker 2: I was just in sheer survival mode. And then six
• 43:46
  Speaker 2: years after that, I mean, there was so many times
• 43:49
  Speaker 2: he was arrested for domestic violence. One time. I'll tell
• 43:54
  Speaker 2: that story.
• 43:54
  Speaker 1: I have, I told that story.
• 43:55
  Speaker 2: I don't want to repeat myself on the pod.
• 43:57
  Speaker 1: I don't know if you have, I don't. I mean,
• 43:59
  Speaker 1: I don't mean I've heard it before. But Lexi wasn't
• 44:04
  Speaker 1: born yet.
• 44:04
  Speaker 2: No, Gabby was three, and.
• 44:08
  Speaker 1: There were just so many instances.
• 44:09
  Speaker 2: We got in a fight. We got in a fight
• 44:12
  Speaker 2: and I told him I was calling his mother because
• 44:14
  Speaker 2: his mother. I had a very enmeshed, awful like we
• 44:18
  Speaker 2: really have a very strange relationship now because our relationship
• 44:21
  Speaker 2: was so enmeshed because I was always calling her, like
• 44:23
  Speaker 2: your son's out of control, what do I do? And
• 44:25
  Speaker 2: she it was like her and I together trying to
• 44:27
  Speaker 2: figure out how to control her son, right, And that
• 44:30
  Speaker 2: was the dynamic. Yeah, it was very codependent. And I
• 44:34
  Speaker 2: remember I walked out into the garage with my cell
• 44:36
  Speaker 2: phone and he he was five eleven and solid, two thirty,
• 44:43
  Speaker 2: big dude. He said he was six foot, but I
• 44:46
  Speaker 2: know for real he was five eleven. Yeah, but he
• 44:49
  Speaker 2: was two thirty and most of it was muscle.
• 44:51
  Speaker 1: Yeah, he was big.
• 44:52
  Speaker 2: He's a big dude. Freaking tackles me from behind on
• 44:56
  Speaker 2: the concrete floor.
• 44:59
  Speaker 1: Keep in minds there is like, yeah, my five f
• 45:01
  Speaker 1: five three five three yeah, like a buck twenty yeah, right,
• 45:09
  Speaker 1: tackles me.
• 45:12
  Speaker 2: I thought he broke my wrist, but he didn't. I
• 45:15
  Speaker 2: ended up like why why did he do it? Because
• 45:17
  Speaker 2: I was going to call his mom and he didn't
• 45:20
  Speaker 2: want me to call his mom and tattle on him
• 45:22
  Speaker 2: for being an asshole and behave.
• 45:24
  Speaker 1: I don't know what to tell you, but.
• 45:26
  Speaker 2: That was also a very codependent thing to do, right, Yeah.
• 45:30
  Speaker 2: And then I remember, like I opened up my car
• 45:36
  Speaker 2: that was in the garage, and I was trying to
• 45:37
  Speaker 2: crawl in my car, and I, oh, my man, I
• 45:40
  Speaker 2: was one inch away from having that door shut, and
• 45:42
  Speaker 2: he grabbed my foot before I could get it, and
• 45:44
  Speaker 2: he yanked me back out back onto the concrete and
• 45:47
  Speaker 2: then he just destroyed me. And I was black and blue.
• 45:52
  Speaker 2: And so he's pissed drunk.
• 45:55
  Speaker 1: Yeah, So then did you know he was drinking heavily
• 46:00
  Speaker 1: that time?
• 46:00
  Speaker 2: I had no idea how much? No, yeah, no clue
• 46:03
  Speaker 2: how much?
• 46:04
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 46:06
  Speaker 2: And then my brother had just had his first child.
• 46:10
  Speaker 2: He lives in Chicago. My parents were visiting my brother
• 46:13
  Speaker 2: in Chicago because he had just had a baby. Yeah,
• 46:17
  Speaker 2: so I called my brother. He calls the police, the
• 46:22
  Speaker 2: police show up. Before the police show up, it took
• 46:25
  Speaker 2: like an hour for them to get there, which is crazy.
• 46:28
  Speaker 1: It is crazy.
• 46:29
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't know why it took him so long.
• 46:33
  Speaker 2: He took my phone, my iPad, my computer, locked them
• 46:37
  Speaker 2: in a truck and made me sit on the couch
• 46:39
  Speaker 2: in the dark while he sat on the steps and
• 46:43
  Speaker 2: waited for the police, or he didn't know the police
• 46:45
  Speaker 2: have been called when he knew that I had Actually
• 46:52
  Speaker 2: the way that I called my brother, which was bizarre.
• 46:54
  Speaker 2: I found an old computer and I actually, I think
• 47:00
  Speaker 2: instant messaged my brother that this was happening, and he
• 47:04
  Speaker 2: called the police. So i'd actually called my brother, actually
• 47:06
  Speaker 2: sent him an instant message because it was just the
• 47:09
  Speaker 2: old laptop he had not found out about. So this
• 47:12
  Speaker 2: was while he was sitting at the top of steps.
• 47:14
  Speaker 2: I'm like, remember that in this desk drawer, I had
• 47:18
  Speaker 2: this old laptop. So I get this old laptop out.
• 47:20
  Speaker 2: I fired up instant message to my brother. You know,
• 47:25
  Speaker 2: he uses he used I AM for work at that time,
• 47:27
  Speaker 2: so he had it up all the time. My brother
• 47:31
  Speaker 2: calls the police. By that time, Jared had passed out drunk,
• 47:37
  Speaker 2: and police come, jerk him awake, Yeah, cuff him, put
• 47:42
  Speaker 2: him in the patty wagon, take him to jail.
• 47:44
  Speaker 1: Do you say the night what happened?
• 47:47
  Speaker 2: But he was He was charged with assault for domestic violence.
• 47:53
  Speaker 2: They took pictures of me and my three year old
• 47:55
  Speaker 2: Gabby's up there sleeping. Then I wasn't sure if his
• 47:59
  Speaker 2: mom was gonna fil them out. Called his mom. She
• 48:03
  Speaker 2: blamed me. Of course, yeah, she said she was going
• 48:09
  Speaker 2: to bail him out. So I was like, shit, what
• 48:11
  Speaker 2: do I do? Yeah, so I took Gabby, woke her up,
• 48:15
  Speaker 2: we went stayed in the hotel, and I remember telling
• 48:17
  Speaker 2: her our plumbing wasn't working and that's why we had
• 48:20
  Speaker 2: to go stay in hotel.
• 48:22
  Speaker 1: Did she ask where Daddy was? Huh huh, No, that's good.
• 48:25
  Speaker 2: No. And then he got out the next day and
• 48:29
  Speaker 2: then he basically told me you never called the police,
• 48:35
  Speaker 2: you never involved the police in our business. You have
• 48:38
  Speaker 2: ruined my life. And he beat me down psychologically and
• 48:43
  Speaker 2: physically over that that. There was no way I would
• 48:47
  Speaker 2: have I was ever going.
• 48:48
  Speaker 1: To call the police again. Yeah, no way, he knew it.
• 48:51
  Speaker 1: It never ended from there.
• 48:52
  Speaker 2: It never ended. Yeah, it was from then on. The
• 48:56
  Speaker 2: narrative was I ruined his life and his reputation and
• 48:59
  Speaker 2: his reputation, and he was never going to forgive me,
• 49:03
  Speaker 2: and he never did forgive me. And then he had
• 49:07
  Speaker 2: some kind of epiphany. I almost went and divorced him.
• 49:10
  Speaker 2: He had this epiphany, Oh, I'm an alcoholic. I'm gonna
• 49:12
  Speaker 2: get help. And he was sober for like nine months.
• 49:16
  Speaker 2: And that's when I decided to have my second kid. Yeah,
• 49:19
  Speaker 2: because he wasn't as bad, right, So I thought, well,
• 49:23
  Speaker 2: I can tolerate this, yeah, and I want my kid
• 49:25
  Speaker 2: to have a sister or a brother. All right, So
• 49:28
  Speaker 2: I got pregnant with LEXI excuse me, sorry. The literally
• 49:34
  Speaker 2: week after he found out I was pregnant, start drinking again,
• 49:38
  Speaker 2: and he was having an affair.
• 49:39
  Speaker 1: That's what I was gonna say. He was waiting for
• 49:41
  Speaker 1: I was waiting for the punch.
• 49:42
  Speaker 2: Yeah, he was having a fir that I didn't know about.
• 49:44
  Speaker 2: I did not know. So he plans this baby with
• 49:47
  Speaker 2: me while he's having this affair with this woman in
• 49:50
  Speaker 2: Somerset who I found out would drive to the gym
• 49:57
  Speaker 2: in Lexington at like four point thirty in the morning.
• 49:59
  Speaker 2: He would go to the gym every day at four
• 50:00
  Speaker 2: thirty am. He would get up and go to the
• 50:02
  Speaker 2: gym for two hours and they'd meet there and they'd
• 50:05
  Speaker 2: meet there, and that's a whole maybe doing it in
• 50:08
  Speaker 2: the truck, that's a whole other.
• 50:09
  Speaker 1: Level of desperation. But it's just just sick, man, It's
• 50:13
  Speaker 1: just sick.
• 50:14
  Speaker 2: There's that non godly part of me that went and
• 50:17
  Speaker 2: like that wants to say her name, yeah, but I
• 50:20
  Speaker 2: won't because I'd have forgiven her I have. Yeah, that's
• 50:23
  Speaker 2: that's the devil wanted to bring the bitterness back.
• 50:25
  Speaker 1: She has lots of demons. I mean she had lots
• 50:27
  Speaker 1: of demons.
• 50:28
  Speaker 2: Oh honey, yeah, yeah, for sure, anybody who stayed with
• 50:32
  Speaker 2: him as long as she did, knowing he was never
• 50:34
  Speaker 2: going to leave his wife, right, yeah, yeah, you got
• 50:37
  Speaker 2: you got issues. You're the side piece and you know it.
• 50:40
  Speaker 2: Yeah yeah right, and you're okay with it. Yeah. And
• 50:45
  Speaker 2: so then like sixteen months went by again. I had
• 50:50
  Speaker 2: to have a C section with my second but she
• 50:51
  Speaker 2: was full term. It was a much easier. I didn't
• 50:53
  Speaker 2: have the same complications, so it was a much easier recovery,
• 50:57
  Speaker 2: much easier time with my second one. But he just
• 51:01
  Speaker 2: got so freaking mean and so freaking hateful, and every
• 51:04
  Speaker 2: day it was basically the next worst day of my life?
• 51:09
  Speaker 2: Is how can I abscribe it?
• 51:10
  Speaker 1: The alcoholism got worse.
• 51:11
  Speaker 2: It was so bad. Yeah, it was so bad, and
• 51:13
  Speaker 2: I had no idea how bad it really was. I mean,
• 51:16
  Speaker 2: he wasting a lot of it in the end.
• 51:18
  Speaker 1: I remember you telling me like he was filling like
• 51:21
  Speaker 1: gatorade bottles full.
• 51:22
  Speaker 2: Of bodies La vodka and just chugging it. Yeah, yeah,
• 51:26
  Speaker 2: for sure.
• 51:26
  Speaker 1: And like mixing gatorade with it so it looks like gatorade.
• 51:28
  Speaker 2: Yeah he was. But even worse, he was just chugging
• 51:31
  Speaker 2: it straight like before he would come home from work.
• 51:35
  Speaker 2: And then I remember one night he was passing out
• 51:36
  Speaker 2: on the recliner. He had been so mean to me,
• 51:38
  Speaker 2: and I'll never forget when it was. It was Super Bowl,
• 51:41
  Speaker 2: and his excuse was that he was taking our child
• 51:44
  Speaker 2: down to visit his mom in Somerset, which is how
• 51:48
  Speaker 2: a lot he was doing a lot of the cheating, right,
• 51:50
  Speaker 2: which I should have caught onto, all right, but it
• 51:53
  Speaker 2: was allowing me to just be home with the baby
• 51:55
  Speaker 2: and like have some like have a little bit of
• 51:59
  Speaker 2: an easy time because he never helped. So it was
• 52:05
  Speaker 2: Super Bowl. I had made him he was gonna be
• 52:08
  Speaker 2: coming home. I made him this food because I thought
• 52:11
  Speaker 2: we maybe we'll watch super Bowl together and like that
• 52:14
  Speaker 2: would be a good thing. And he basically said, I
• 52:17
  Speaker 2: don't watch your shit food and I don't want to
• 52:19
  Speaker 2: watch the super Bowl with you. And I was like devastated.
• 52:26
  Speaker 2: And then he went to sleep on the recliner and
• 52:28
  Speaker 2: I was like, and I looked at his phone and
• 52:32
  Speaker 2: I went, God, please let there be something on there
• 52:35
  Speaker 2: that saves me from this.
• 52:36
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it gets me the hell out, It gets me
• 52:38
  Speaker 1: the hell out of here.
• 52:39
  Speaker 2: But I can say to my kids, is what the
• 52:41
  Speaker 2: reason was that I left. So I take his drunk
• 52:46
  Speaker 2: ass finger and I put it on the phone and
• 52:48
  Speaker 2: I like it, yeah to protective shit right there, because
• 52:53
  Speaker 2: of course he had a password on his phone red
• 52:55
  Speaker 2: flag right that I didn't know, red Flag. And then
• 53:01
  Speaker 2: boom there was the Facebook message from oh, I want
• 53:05
  Speaker 2: to say her name, Lord forgive me. And it was
• 53:09
  Speaker 2: a message that you could tell there was a deep
• 53:11
  Speaker 2: relationship there.
• 53:12
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And I was like, okay.
• 53:16
  Speaker 2: So he had mosied his way, he had mosied his
• 53:21
  Speaker 2: weight on upstairs, put on his seat pap, and I
• 53:24
  Speaker 2: had just sat there. I was just sitting there. I
• 53:26
  Speaker 2: was like, I don't know what to do.
• 53:27
  Speaker 1: I don't know what to do.
• 53:27
  Speaker 2: I don't know what to do. So I took my
• 53:29
  Speaker 2: time and I screenshoted everything and said everything I found
• 53:32
  Speaker 2: on a smart to myself smart. I go upstairs and
• 53:36
  Speaker 2: I rip his seat pap right off his face and
• 53:39
  Speaker 2: I started yelling at him. Well, then he beat me up,
• 53:44
  Speaker 2: and then he told me he didn't love me and
• 53:48
  Speaker 2: that he did not care, and that I wasn't allowed
• 53:51
  Speaker 2: to sleep in the bed with him, so I had
• 53:54
  Speaker 2: to sleep in the guest room and I was like,
• 53:57
  Speaker 2: oh my.
• 53:57
  Speaker 1: Gosh, yeah, if I say, yeah, what am I doing?
• 54:01
  Speaker 2: I am the lowest form of human on the earth.
• 54:04
  Speaker 2: I must have absolutely no self worth. So the next
• 54:08
  Speaker 2: morning I drove to the attorney's office and I filed
• 54:10
  Speaker 2: the paperwork and.
• 54:11
  Speaker 1: For divorce congratulates.
• 54:13
  Speaker 2: I texted him the picture of the paperwork and was like,
• 54:18
  Speaker 2: because that night he said, why don't you put your
• 54:20
  Speaker 2: big girl pants on and go fucking divorce me? Then
• 54:23
  Speaker 2: all right, that's done and done, and that's when, Yeah,
• 54:28
  Speaker 2: that's when shit got really bad. It got so bad.
• 54:32
  Speaker 1: But I also feel like, like, and a lot of
• 54:35
  Speaker 1: a lot of your like loyal followers, know what happened,
• 54:41
  Speaker 1: but I feel like it's when shit got really bad,
• 54:45
  Speaker 1: that is what ultimately catapulted you to where you are now.
• 54:51
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I will never forget. There was one morning I
• 54:55
  Speaker 2: was pacing in the guest room. This was after he
• 54:58
  Speaker 2: moved out, after we were divorced, so he wouldn't move out,
• 55:02
  Speaker 2: and this is when we met. Yes, this is when
• 55:05
  Speaker 2: Rain and I met. He would not move out. So
• 55:08
  Speaker 2: the whole eight months we were going through the divorce process,
• 55:10
  Speaker 2: we actually had two master bedrooms in our house, one downstairs,
• 55:13
  Speaker 2: one upstairs, so he moved into the downstairs master and
• 55:18
  Speaker 2: we just lived separate lives. He was allowed to go
• 55:19
  Speaker 2: out and do whatever he wanted, but I was not.
• 55:23
  Speaker 2: He let me know I was not, but then I
• 55:25
  Speaker 2: did it behind his back anyway. Yeah, you know, I
• 55:29
  Speaker 2: ended up dating somebody, which was dumb because I was
• 55:32
  Speaker 2: not even I was a shell of a person.
• 55:34
  Speaker 1: Well and I mean at that time, it's hard not
• 55:37
  Speaker 1: to make really emotional, knee jerk reactions.
• 55:39
  Speaker 2: That's right. So one weekend, he brought the kids to
• 55:43
  Speaker 2: his mom's and I went on the dating apps and
• 55:45
  Speaker 2: I met somebody. Yeah, and he was a really good guy. Yeah,
• 55:49
  Speaker 2: nice guy, really super nice guy, and he really treated
• 55:56
  Speaker 2: me very very well. But I was so trauma bonded
• 55:58
  Speaker 2: to my ex. My ex started realizing that when I
• 56:05
  Speaker 2: stopped caring about him, and he didn't know I was
• 56:08
  Speaker 2: dating this person, but he could tell, like my attachment shifted. Right.
• 56:12
  Speaker 2: I wasn't being like super anxiously attached. I wasn't trying
• 56:15
  Speaker 2: to call or text him or talk about the relationship
• 56:18
  Speaker 2: or see if he wanted to try to make it work,
• 56:19
  Speaker 2: or you know, I wasn't doing any of that. I
• 56:22
  Speaker 2: was just finally like, okay done. You know, because even
• 56:25
  Speaker 2: after I had filed for divorce, I was still so sad.
• 56:28
  Speaker 2: I was still acting anxious.
• 56:29
  Speaker 1: And that's how we met because I was your jazzer
• 56:32
  Speaker 1: sized instructor at that time. You'd heard me say that
• 56:35
  Speaker 1: I was a single mom from stage, and then you
• 56:38
  Speaker 1: came up to me and you're like, hey, would you
• 56:39
  Speaker 1: want to have coffee sometime? And then we bonded over
• 56:42
  Speaker 1: our psychoexos.
• 56:43
  Speaker 2: Yes, absolutely, but you were torn.
• 56:45
  Speaker 1: I remember you were like, you know, what should I do?
• 56:47
  Speaker 1: What do I do? I don't want to and you.
• 56:49
  Speaker 2: Were like, I could mine not forgot. It was the
• 56:50
  Speaker 2: best dance thing I ever did. And I'm like, but
• 56:53
  Speaker 2: she's like, but I get it. It took me several rounds.
• 56:58
  Speaker 1: Right now, we were together a total of two yours.
• 57:00
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it took several rounds for you to finally leave.
• 57:04
  Speaker 2: So you were very empathetic of like, I know how
• 57:06
  Speaker 2: hard this is, and that's what I need. I needed
• 57:08
  Speaker 2: somebody who understood, understood and was like, no, you're not crazy, right.
• 57:14
  Speaker 2: So anyway, ended up breaking that guy's heart and getting
• 57:16
  Speaker 2: back with my ex and we dated. I remember he
• 57:20
  Speaker 2: lived in an apartment I lived in the house that
• 57:22
  Speaker 2: we had and we date.
• 57:24
  Speaker 1: Was this ale work.
• 57:28
  Speaker 3: Girl.
• 57:28
  Speaker 2: You're gonna regret that what you were saying. But you
• 57:34
  Speaker 2: were patient and loving with me because.
• 57:37
  Speaker 1: You told me.
• 57:38
  Speaker 2: I remember how hard my sisters were on me, and
• 57:41
  Speaker 2: I don't want to do that to you.
• 57:42
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And only you could know, you know, and for
• 57:45
  Speaker 1: anybody else who's dealing with something similar, only you know
• 57:49
  Speaker 1: when it's time, just don't die, right, don't don't don't
• 57:54
  Speaker 1: not get out if it's that dangerous of a situation. Yeah.
• 57:59
  Speaker 2: And then I had to break up with the one dude,
• 58:05
  Speaker 2: broke his heart, like, broke his heart bad, and got
• 58:09
  Speaker 2: back together with my ex, and of course he loved
• 58:11
  Speaker 2: the absolute living crap out of me for about three months.
• 58:16
  Speaker 2: Then he found out that I had dated somebody, lost
• 58:20
  Speaker 2: his ever loving mind, keeped my car, broke into my house,
• 58:26
  Speaker 2: set a bunch of shit on fire in the driveway.
• 58:30
  Speaker 2: And then that is when I called the guy I
• 58:33
  Speaker 2: had ended it with and broke his heart and told him,
• 58:35
  Speaker 2: and he took me to the courthouse to file an EPO.
• 58:39
  Speaker 2: I remember all this too, so I'm forever grateful for that.
• 58:44
  Speaker 2: I hate that I broke his heart, but I'm thankful
• 58:47
  Speaker 2: that he was a clear headed person.
• 58:48
  Speaker 1: Yeah he was.
• 58:50
  Speaker 2: And then we ended up dating again, and then I
• 58:52
  Speaker 2: ended up breaking his heart again because I just wasn't ready.
• 58:56
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 58:57
  Speaker 2: Then I did it a da which was a ship shot.
• 59:01
  Speaker 1: And then we'll we'll have to continue this. This is
• 59:04
  Speaker 1: gonna have to be a to be contented. Okay, I
• 59:06
  Speaker 1: really will do part two. Yeah, because a part two
• 59:08
  Speaker 1: is really your comeback.
• 59:10
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 59:10
  Speaker 1: I feel like the part like A two be continued
• 59:13
  Speaker 1: is like, okay, and this is how I crawled out
• 59:15
  Speaker 1: from the ashes and rose like a phoenix.
• 59:18
  Speaker 2: Because we haven't even gotten into the like real shit part.
• 59:21
  Speaker 2: He dies on me and then leaves me with no
• 59:24
  Speaker 2: life insurance and gave it to the wife that he
• 59:26
  Speaker 2: had just married six weeks ago. Plain bullshit, like the
• 59:32
  Speaker 2: policies I paid in due for ten years.
• 59:35
  Speaker 1: But I'm fine with it, man, You've done the work
• 59:38
  Speaker 1: to forgive.
• 59:39
  Speaker 2: Yeah. And then my mom got cancer, my dog died,
• 59:43
  Speaker 2: my boyfriend left me, he died, and I had a
• 59:45
  Speaker 2: nervous breakdown. And that's how we'll wrap.
• 59:47
  Speaker 1: The notes cliff Notes version there. And that actually is
• 59:50
  Speaker 1: a really really great segue to thank our sponsor, because
• 59:54
  Speaker 1: you know, there's nothing like a nice pair of sheets
• 59:59
  Speaker 1: if you are going through a terrible situation.
• 1:00:02
  Speaker 2: You know, if you're gonna have a nervous breakdown, you
• 1:00:04
  Speaker 2: might as well do it in style, right and luxury.
• 1:00:07
  Speaker 2: But for real, though, I haven't take I am. I
• 1:00:12
  Speaker 2: have so many pairs of Cozy Earth pajamas in my
• 1:00:14
  Speaker 2: cart right now and I'm just adding more. Yeah, because
• 1:00:17
  Speaker 2: I have never felt pajamas that are as nice as
• 1:00:20
  Speaker 2: the ones that they gave us.
• 1:00:21
  Speaker 1: And they're running some fantastic sales right now. In addition
• 1:00:25
  Speaker 1: to that, you can go visit their website at cozyearth
• 1:00:28
  Speaker 1: dot com. Mention the promo code. Love Doc mentioned that
• 1:00:32
  Speaker 1: we sent you and you can get forty percent off.
• 1:00:35
  Speaker 1: I doubt you can combine coupons. You know, they don't
• 1:00:38
  Speaker 1: like when you do that, but forty percent off if
• 1:00:41
  Speaker 1: you do mention the love Doc. But I will say
• 1:00:45
  Speaker 1: last night, so it was cold in Kentucky and freezing.
• 1:00:50
  Speaker 1: We had our first snow today. Actually it was really beautiful.
• 1:00:54
  Speaker 1: But I want to say how thankful I was for
• 1:00:56
  Speaker 1: my Cozy Earth sheets.
• 1:00:57
  Speaker 2: Oh so good, because.
• 1:00:59
  Speaker 1: Again they're but you're controlled.
• 1:01:01
  Speaker 2: So never too hot, never too cold.
• 1:01:04
  Speaker 1: When you slide in they get warm and you get cozy.
• 1:01:07
  Speaker 1: In addition to that, I also had my Cozy Earth
• 1:01:10
  Speaker 1: pjs on, both of which are made of viscous bamboo, luxury,
• 1:01:14
  Speaker 1: so luxury, so soft, and they have the matchy pajama sets.
• 1:01:20
  Speaker 1: So if you want to do you know, the whole
• 1:01:23
  Speaker 1: family Christmas shin dig with the match we're doing. We're
• 1:01:27
  Speaker 1: doing it. We're doing our Christmas photos tonight, actually in
• 1:01:32
  Speaker 1: Christmas pjs. So we're gonna attempt to do it with
• 1:01:35
  Speaker 1: the chickens. We'll see how it goes. We'll see how
• 1:01:39
  Speaker 1: it goes.
• 1:01:39
  Speaker 2: Each If you hold up a chicken, we're each gonna
• 1:01:41
  Speaker 2: hold a chicken.
• 1:01:42
  Speaker 1: We we have these pajamas that say Santa's Crew, so
• 1:01:45
  Speaker 1: I bought like little Santa hats for the chickens, and
• 1:01:48
  Speaker 1: they have like these little scarfs. Guys, there's gonna be
• 1:01:51
  Speaker 1: chicken poop everywhere. We we'll see how it goes. Okay,
• 1:01:53
  Speaker 1: we don't know how so different.
• 1:01:54
  Speaker 2: Yeah, we're gonna see we are so different chicken.
• 1:01:58
  Speaker 1: I mean, well, I'm like, get up you girl, come on,
• 1:02:00
  Speaker 1: come on, Jeff up here. But anyway, so thanks again
• 1:02:04
  Speaker 1: to Cozy Earth. Thank you are so appreciative of you. Yes,
• 1:02:08
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• 1:02:12
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• 1:02:15
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  Speaker 1: of Cozy Earth stops.
• 1:02:24
  Speaker 2: Yes too, So we'll just leave it at I had
• 1:02:26
  Speaker 2: a nervous breakdown. Yeah to be come back to see
• 1:02:29
  Speaker 2: what happened.
• 1:02:30
  Speaker 1: To be continued, come back and listen to doctor Hensley's
• 1:02:35
  Speaker 1: comeback story if you haven't heard it before, but even
• 1:02:38
  Speaker 1: if you have heard it again before and you want
• 1:02:40
  Speaker 1: to hear it again, it's worth listening to again because
• 1:02:42
  Speaker 1: it is a story of freak. It's a story of hope, right,
• 1:02:45
  Speaker 1: It's a story of tenacity and strengths and you know,
• 1:02:50
  Speaker 1: like I said, rising from the ashes like a phoenix.
• 1:02:53
  Speaker 1: I think, uh, you know, we both kind of have
• 1:02:55
  Speaker 1: those sorts of stories. But if you can relate, then
• 1:03:00
  Speaker 1: you should come back and listen. So, but in the meantime,
• 1:03:03
  Speaker 1: if you are interested in doctor Hinsley services, please go
• 1:03:06
  Speaker 1: check out her website at the datingdcoder dot com. And
• 1:03:10
  Speaker 1: until next time, peace, love, and perspective,