Latest / Murders to Music: Crime Scene to Music Scene (Streamline Events and Entertainment) / The Final Day: From Meth Labs to Meditation

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The Final Day: From Meth Labs to Meditation · Murders to Music: Crime Scene to Music Scene (Streamline Events and Entertainment)

• 0:25
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the show everybody.
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: Welcome to Murders to Music.
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: I'm Aaron.
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: Thank you so much for tuning in.
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: Thank you so much for checking this out.
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: Hopefully you like it.
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: Subscribe, follow along and hear the different shows that I put out on a weekly basis.
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: As you know just from the name of the podcast, murders to Music, we're going to talk about everything from my career as a law enforcement officer through the music scene and now having a business where I specialize in DJing and live music for people on their best days.
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: Today's show is going to be on the law enforcement end of things, and I want to talk about the final day.
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: If, all of a sudden, you woke up tomorrow and your world was completely different, everything you thought about yourself was gone.
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: Every identity that you had about yourself, whether that is in your job, in your family, as a provider, is gone.
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: Imagine being Jon Bon Jovi's drummer and you've been on the road with Jon Bon Jovi for years, and then, all of a sudden, you wake up tomorrow.
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: And then, all of a sudden, you wake up tomorrow and Jon Bon Jovi's replaced you and now you're nobody.
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: Yesterday you were a rock star playing for millions.
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: Today you're nothing, you're nobody.
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: Well, that's what happened to me, not Jon Bon Jovi's drummer.
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: I've heard Jon Bon Jovi and I am a drummer, but it doesn't mean that you get it.
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: So that's what I want to talk about is the final day and what led up to that.
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: If you've ever watched a movie and they start you off at the end of the movie with a scene and then they take you back to the beginning and then you work your way through that movie all the way to the end, that's what I'm going to do on this show.
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: I want to set the scene for how I got out of law enforcement and why I got out of law enforcement to learn about myself, to help others and to understand that we're not always the identity that we think we are.
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: I think it's very important for the listeners of this show to understand my perspective and where I come from and what led to where I am today.
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: But before we can talk about today, we have to talk about yesterday.
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: So I'm going to take you back to 2002, when I became a police officer in Alaska.
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: 2002, I became a police officer.
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: I worked patrol.
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: I was assigned to the drug unit in about 2005.
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: At that point, 2003 to 2005, I was involved in clandestine methamphetamine labs.
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: I was a site officer for them.
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: I was a supervisor for taking apart meth labs.
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: They were very prevalent.
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: It was my job to go in and determine what kind of meth lab it was, what the risks were, what the hazards were, eliminate the highest priorities first and then work my way to the lowest priorities, ultimately dismantling the lab, running the team that was doing that and then carrying that all the way through to the prosecution phase and hopefully getting some people convicted.
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: I was identified and established as an expert in methamphetamine labs in the state of Alaska Superior Court.
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: I actually got to walk into court one day wearing meth lab personal protective equipment, including a full air pack, and that's how I got to walk in in front of the jury and take it all off in front of the jury.
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: They didn't play the strip music Like you're probably thinking, it's not what it was, but I got to take it all off and then explain just what a hazardous situation it was.
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: Just what a hazardous situation it was, anyway.
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: So I did that.
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: Then I became a canine handler and I ran a dog for about three years, from 2007 to 2010.
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: And then in 2010, I moved to Oregon where I became a police officer.
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: During my time in Alaska, I spent a lot of time teaching and traveling and at work, and always on call and running patrol and chasing dopers and just having a good time as a police officer.
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: I thought I was doing everything that I needed to do to provide for my family, my wife, my three kids.
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: I thought that this is just what I do.
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: I was having a good time.
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: Little did I know that my overzealous immersion into work was really tearing apart my family at home.
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: As we continue to procreate and have kids and the kids start to walk, I'm missing those first steps.
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: I am having a rough time in my marriage, and it's everybody else's fault except my own in my marriage, and it's everybody else's fault except my own.
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: So, 2010, there was a few reasons why, uh, I wanted to leave Alaska.
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: My oldest son has some medical conditions and he needed to be with a medical team and doctors that could help him, and they didn't have those in Alaska.
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: So he's another show, another story, but ultimately we decided to move down to the Portland Oregon area where his team of doctors lived, and that's where the hospital was.
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: Another reason I wanted to leave Alaska is.
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: I was tired of the cold.
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: I don't know if you've had the pleasure of working moose accidents at 17 below, at three in the morning, when some moose steps out in front of a car and the car hits this moose and then you go out there and you got to shoot the moose and then you slip and fall on the ice and then you get up and you're frozen and you got to wait for people to come pick up the moose, to cut the moose up, to give the moose to charity, and that's what your night consists of.
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: Or maybe you've went to work for 40 hours that week and you've got one call for service because it's 17 below and cold outside.
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: Well, I got tired of that life and I wanted to do something higher speed, lower drag and just more fun.
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: So I applied in the Oregon area and I got a job as a police officer for a major metropolitan police department.
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: When I went there and became a police officer, I was assigned a patrol and it was instantly that I realized all that I thought I was as a police officer in Alaska.
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: I was the meth lab guy.
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: I was an expert in this.
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: I was a canine handler.
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: Uh, I was tall and sexy and fun and, uh, all that nonsense, that identity that I put on myself nonsense, that identity that I put on myself.
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: It's not until I got to Oregon that I realized that doesn't mean anything.
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: All the person I was in Alaska meant nothing to the people in Oregon.
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: I was the newest guy there, I was a lateral, and that's all that mattered.
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: My experiences meant nothing.
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: So I felt a little bit of freedom and relief and I realized that, uh, this is kind of nice.
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: I don't have all the burden, I don't have the dog, I don't have constant on call and everything else.
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: So I enjoyed being a patrol officer for a couple of years.
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: I enjoyed being a patrol officer for a couple of years.
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: During that time I was spiraling.
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: Now I'm at home with my family, but I am spiraling.
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: A tragic event happened in my career early on where a very dear friend of mine and my partner was killed in the line of duty.
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: And again it's another show for another day.
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: But I held a lot of blame for that and I didn't realize that that was affecting me.
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: But what I did know is I was depressed, I was sad, I was angry, I was getting into fights on every shift.
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: If anybody did anything but comply, then we were fighting.
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: I was upsetting my dispatchers.
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: Uh, I was just a general asshole to be around and to work with, but I didn't know really how to handle that.
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: So, june 13th 2012, I thought the best way to handle that would be to put a gun in my mouth and take my own life.
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: I opted against that at the final moment, which is why I'm here to talk to you today, and I'm really really glad that, uh, there was a moment of clarity.
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: It allowed me to move on with my career, develop my family, develop myself, uh, and just learn more.
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: You know, the hopes of this show is that I educate, entertain and, hopefully, can share some of my life lessons with people out there who can wrap their mind around some of the things that I'm saying and maybe see some parallels and realize that there is a way out.
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: Now, I don't expect you to be a meth lab expert or this or that, but it doesn't matter.
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: Expect you to be a meth lab expert or this or that, but it doesn't matter what you do.
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: You can be a tow truck driver, you can be a chef, you can be an executive.
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: I think, especially as I talk to the men here.
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: I think as men we find ourselves oftentimes immersed into our work so much that we lose track of the reality around us, and sometimes that drives us into a place if we feel like we're not performing or we're not up to par or we're not getting those promotions, or our life is in shambles and it's everybody else's fault except our own, because we can't see past our own nose and realize that it's us screwing this thing up.
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: So now we might find ourselves in that state of depression.
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: We might find ourselves in that suicidal state.
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: We might find ourselves in that state of depression.
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: We might find ourselves in that suicidal state.
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: We might find ourselves with alcohol or drugs or whatever other vice we want to turn to, because it's everybody else's problem and we are just trying to get the job done, trying to provide, and we numb our problems and pain with the vices of this world, our problems and pain with the vices of this world.
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: We're trying to find a moment of happiness and relief.
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: And I'm not saying that is the right thing to do, it's not, but I think that a lot of us do it and then we wonder why we're short at home, why we don't have any patience with our kids, why we're yelling at our wives kicking the dog, just being a general jerk to be around.
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: But it's the dog's fault, it's the wife's fault, it's the kid's fault.
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: It's never our own fault.
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: So, 2013, I become a detective and I get assigned to the child abuse team where my primary job is to investigate child abuse cases, sexual, physical homicide.
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: Then I get assigned shortly thereafter.
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: Simultaneously, I get assigned to the major crimes unit, so my whole job is to investigate major crimes.
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: And that's where I spent the next 11 years of my career.
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: As I got better in the detective unit and more respected, it turned that my career was 80 90 percent child, child abuse and homicide for the most of those 11 years and it never took its toll.
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: I didn't think.
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: I often said that's how I wanted to retire.
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: I wanted to be the longest serving homicide child abuse detective that that police department ever had.
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: That was my goal.
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: My goal was to serve the community, solve homicides, advocate for children.
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: I didn't realize that it was taking a toll on me every single day Because doing that job, you become numb.
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: People often ask well, how could you do that?
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: Well, you become numb after a while and your nervous system goes numb.
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: You'd be going to a state of fight or flight and everything is just another day.
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: Seeing the death and devastation and hearing the screams and smelling the smells no longer really meant anything.
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: It had no effect.
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: While I had compassion for the loved ones of my victims, really showing up at a scene and having that dead person in front of me oftentimes meant no more than the coffee cup that I'm looking at right now.
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: It was a piece.
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: That person was a piece of evidence, and we needed to use that piece of evidence to find the people responsible, figure out the story that occurred and hold them accountable.
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: And hold them accountable.
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: The screams that were outside the door from the family members who witnessed the tragic event there were background noise.
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: The smells there were background noise.
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: It was business.
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: It was a piece of evidence.
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: It was an interview with somebody that could help further this investigation.
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: Being able to tune out those things and not get wrapped up in the emotion is one of the key skills that a good investigator has, skills that a good investigator has.
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: You don't want to lose sight of what it is that you're doing, but you also can't get so emotionally wrapped around the axle on every case that you allow it to affect you or you feel the effects of it.
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: I should say I'm going to come back to that.
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: Let's put an asterisk there Feel the effects versus it affecting you.
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: So then fast forward to the end of those 11 years and I'm working a lot of homicide cases.
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: I had a case that was profiled on Dateline where it was a very brutal murder and Dateline picked it up.
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: This was a case that took about three years, maybe four years, five years Hell, I don't even know to get to a conviction Once we got a conviction.
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: Years, hell, I don't even know to get to a conviction.
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: Once we got a conviction, uh, dateline filmed an episode that was pretty cool, pretty, it was a highlight of my career, one of them.
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: Uh, that was good.
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: So then I solved the cold case murder.
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: So that was good.
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: 42 year old, cold case.
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: I recently got a conviction for that.
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: So these are highlights.
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: These are good things.
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: If there's a cool, sexy case, it's probably coming my way and I will get to work on it.
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: Of 21.
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: There's a murder that occurs and a gentleman is found executed in a remote area and his hands are zip-tied behind his back.
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: It appears that he's been put on his knees and shot in the back of the head.
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: And that became my case.
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: Without going into a lot of detail, little did I know that that was going to be the start of about a five-month journey bringing me into January of 22,.
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: Bringing me into January of 22, where I was going to work almost around the clock.
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: I had five days off in five months.
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: There were some weeks that I was averaging 300 hours overtime every two weeks or, sorry, every pay period.
• 18:36
  Speaker 1: 300 hours overtime If you're doing the quick math, 300 hours overtime.
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: If you're doing the quick math, that's a lot of work.
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: I didn't see my family Even those five days I had off.
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: They're not really off.
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: The phone is ringing.
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: You're doing reports.
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: I traveled a lot.
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: Ultimately, this was a cartel murder and I had to chase some cartel members around the Pacific Northwest and do the investigation.
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: At that time our police department had numerous other murders that occurred, so our resources were very, very low.
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: Sometimes it was just me and my partner working the case, sometimes we had three or four and then sometimes we had, you know, maybe a few more than that.
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: But it was very hard when you're working a case and you're trying to chase people around a geographical area to solve a murder.
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: That is a lot of time and it's very, very taxing.
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: Ultimately, in December, we found seven people who were responsible for this murder and they were arrested and different stuff.
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: Case is ongoing.
• 19:50
  Speaker 1: I'm not going to talk a lot about it, but the point is that it took its toll toll and it took its toll on me to the point where I no longer felt like myself.
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: My stomach hurt all the time.
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: I wasn't getting good sleep, my fuse was short.
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: I was angry If you did anything less than comply.
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: We were fighting.
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: I was loud and obnoxious around the police department.
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: I was loud and obnoxious around the police department.
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: I had my idea of winning a conversation was just to be the loudest voice in the room.
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: I don't know if you know anybody like that.
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: I don't know if you've experienced that.
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: I felt like my relationship with my daughter was clearly a wedge being driven between us.
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: I thought it was her fault because she was a teenager.
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: I was having issues just at home again, starting to feel a little depressed again.
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: This is now 2022.
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: I don't know if you've been around for a minute, but there were all the protests.
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: There were the F the police, defund the police, your murderers.
• 21:08
  Speaker 1: And so every day I go to work and every day I show up at work, it is somebody else's worst day.
• 21:15
  Speaker 1: Every time the phone rings, it's I'm dealing with somebody else's absolute worst nightmare their child has been raped, their child has been beaten, their child is dead.
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: Their husband is dead, their wife is missing, whatever it may be, it's their worst day.
• 21:33
  Speaker 1: And that was my every day.
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: Yet I didn't realize why I was feeling all this stress, that I was feeling the nightmares.
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: The nightmares.
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: I can't even explain to you what some of them were about, because I don't know.
• 21:52
  Speaker 1: I was being chased through dark hallways and dark streets by an unknown something.
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: I was getting into shootings in my dreams every single night, there were some very horrific dreams that dealt with death and devastation and murder.
• 22:11
  Speaker 1: The sleep I was maybe getting a couple hours sleep a night, and that wasn't restful.
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: But this was normal to me.
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: This was all normal.
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: This is something I've been doing for years.
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: This isn't new just over this case.
• 22:30
  Speaker 1: This is just a way of life and this is normal.
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: It's normal.
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: I've had my funeral planned with the music and the pallbearers and everything since 2002.
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: There's a reason for that.
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: It's another show for another day, but when you're picking your own funeral songs, I'm just here to tell you that's not normal.
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: So, with the nightmares, the stomach aches, the gastrointestinal issues, the lack of sleep, the wedge between me and my daughter, the failing of the family Again, this is not my problem because I'm just doing what I need to do.
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: Then I go to some training and I get into a fight in the training scenario and ultimately the biggest guy on my department we fall down together.
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: He falls on top of me and I break some ribs.
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: So I don't go to the doctor right away.
• 23:36
  Speaker 1: About a week goes by and then the ribs are all bruised up.
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: I can palpate them and feel them and I can tell there's missing chunks of bone, which is not normal.
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: So I decided I wanted to go to the doctor and my blood pressure was through the roof.
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: It was 185 over 145.
• 23:51
  Speaker 1: And we went through a bunch of different tests to try to figure out why the blood pressure was so high.
• 24:04
  Speaker 1: Couldn't come up with any reasons.
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: So I started telling my doctor about the nightmares and the lack of sleep and my partner getting killed in the line of duty in 2002, which I was directly involved in and held a lot of blame for and the nightmares and the night tremors, and every time I would smell the blood from me, shaving my head and nicking my head.
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: I'd smell that blood.
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: It would take me right back to a couple of very brutal crime scenes.
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: If I smelled smoke in the air, it would take me back to another crime scene and she's like you have PTSD and you need to take some time off.
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: And I said I'm not taking any time off.
• 24:45
  Speaker 1: I don't have PTSD.
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: Ptsd is for quitters, it's for losers and people that are weak.
• 24:50
  Speaker 1: Therapy is for the dogs and I'm not doing it.
• 24:55
  Speaker 1: So she ordered me to take some time off and I went outside and I called my boss and I told him.
• 25:02
  Speaker 1: I said hey, I'm getting told I have to take some time off.
• 25:05
  Speaker 1: I'll be out a week or two and then I'll be back.
• 25:07
  Speaker 1: Granted, I just got done with this ginormous case.
• 25:11
  Speaker 1: I still have dozens of reports to write just on this case, but at the time I'm juggling six or seven open homicides and 30 child abuse cases.
• 25:20
  Speaker 1: So I tell them hey, I'm take a week or two off and I'll be right back.
• 25:25
  Speaker 1: Uh, they also told me I had something wrong with my heart and I was had to figure that out as well.
• 25:31
  Speaker 1: So that was on a Thursday.
• 25:35
  Speaker 1: When I left work that Thursday, when I left work that Thursday, that is the last time I would report to work as a police officer.
• 25:47
  Speaker 1: Over the next several months, symptoms were only getting worse, not better.
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: I started to have I was really, really fighting the PTSD diagnosis.
• 26:01
  Speaker 1: It wasn't for me we don't talk about our feelings and there was a stigma with it.
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: Then I had to go through an interview process with workers' compensation and I had to talk about 10 or a dozen different incidents in my career that you know were significant.
• 26:23
  Speaker 1: So I started going through them and I started with my partner getting killed in 2002.
• 26:30
  Speaker 1: And I got about through half a dozen of them and now I am a crying mess and I realized that everything about the way that I am has to do with situations, circumstances of my job, the way that I parent, the way that I'm a friend, the way that I talk, the way that I act, the way that I put my back against a wall, the way that I'm always looking for a fight, not ready to fight, actively, looking for a fight, the way that I treat my kids, the way that I do everything in my world.
• 27:09
  Speaker 1: There was a link to something in my career and it was then that I realized that my career has changed me.
• 27:18
  Speaker 1: Now again back to being a cab driver, a UPS driver, a firefighter, a cop, a plumber, whatever it may be.
• 27:27
  Speaker 1: There's things that happen in our world that change us without us even knowing it.
• 27:32
  Speaker 1: If you're seeing changes in yourself, understand that this could be a byproduct of the circumstances or the environment that you're in.
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: If you find yourself swearing like a sailor, it could be because you're working on a construction site surrounded by other people, and that is what you take on.
• 27:50
  Speaker 1: And now you bring that home.
• 27:52
  Speaker 1: Your wife doesn't like it.
• 27:53
  Speaker 1: Now you're swearing up a storm in front of the kids and all of a sudden that is creating angst and tension.
• 27:58
  Speaker 1: Or maybe you just don't have the patience because you're working those long hours.
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: So you come home and your family gets the absolute shit that's left after a long day at the office.
• 28:06
  Speaker 1: Your job affects you in ways you don't even see it.
• 28:13
  Speaker 1: It was during that phone call that I came to the conclusion and cognitive realization that I have PTSD and from there it became a journey of healing.
• 28:26
  Speaker 1: It was no longer a dirty word.
• 28:30
  Speaker 1: I feel bad for the people that I made fun of over the years with PTSD because I thought they were weak and I thought it was a cop-out and I'm very sorry and I'm very sorry.
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: I started on a journey of healing with therapy.
• 28:47
  Speaker 1: I went to several out-of-state law enforcement first responder resiliency programs, both spiritual, based on Christian religion, and then one that was more scientific-based.
• 29:05
  Speaker 1: I learned about my brain.
• 29:06
  Speaker 1: I learned about the effects of trauma on the brain.
• 29:08
  Speaker 1: I learned about PTSD.
• 29:10
  Speaker 1: I learned about the nervous system.
• 29:12
  Speaker 1: I learned about family.
• 29:15
  Speaker 1: I learned about right brain versus left brain, yoga I've never done yoga but I did then yoga, meditation, coloring, all the things that break up those neural pathways that we have that go through the sympathetic nervous system.
• 29:33
  Speaker 1: That's where we live.
• 29:35
  Speaker 1: In law enforcement, everything is sped up.
• 29:38
  Speaker 1: We're going a hundred miles an hour.
• 29:39
  Speaker 1: The parasympathetic nervous system, which is the opposite side of the brain, where things calm down and slow down and relax.
• 29:48
  Speaker 1: We don't even use that half of our brain.
• 29:50
  Speaker 1: So neuropathways are like a deer going through a game trail to water.
• 29:55
  Speaker 1: If that deer always goes through the sympathetic nervous system.
• 30:00
  Speaker 1: And if your thoughts always go through the sympathetic nervous system and you're always active on that side of the brain, then the other side of the brain just grows roots.
• 30:09
  Speaker 1: The trees grow up, the foliage grows up and there are no game trails through that.
• 30:14
  Speaker 1: So therefore you're only functioning on half your brain.
• 30:17
  Speaker 1: I had to learn how to make game trails through the parasympathetic nervous system and slow myself down with yoga, meditation, adult coloring.
• 30:28
  Speaker 1: You can child color too, if you want, but whatever you want to do, it's all up to you, you know.
• 30:32
  Speaker 1: So I had to learn those things.
• 30:35
  Speaker 1: I had to learn how trauma affects not only humans and others, but specifically how it affects me.
• 30:44
  Speaker 1: And then, once I was able to do that, I started to see a change in myself.
• 30:50
  Speaker 1: My family started to see a change in me.
• 30:52
  Speaker 1: My wife says she's got a husband back she hasn't seen in 25 years.
• 30:57
  Speaker 1: My kids are meeting a father that they've never had before.
• 31:02
  Speaker 1: One of the issues I was having during that conversation with workers' comp was my loss of identity.
• 31:09
  Speaker 1: Remember, I've been in a uniform since I was 13 years old.
• 31:12
  Speaker 1: I have been involved in traumatic situations.
• 31:18
  Speaker 1: I've been shot at.
• 31:18
  Speaker 1: I have seen more death and darkness than I even care to think about.
• 31:26
  Speaker 1: Um, I was a cop, I was a cop's cop and all that identity was gone overnight.
• 31:32
  Speaker 1: I was no longer Bon Jovi's drummer, I was nothing but a broken, hurt individual and I had to learn that PTSD disorder is not a disorder.
• 31:47
  Speaker 1: Ptsd is a symptom.
• 31:51
  Speaker 1: It's a byproduct of your environment.
• 31:53
  Speaker 1: But through lots of hard work you can get through that and you can heal.
• 32:01
  Speaker 1: Now we're going to fast forward another 14 months and I go back to the police department to clean out my desk.
• 32:07
  Speaker 1: I clean it out on April 5th and I say goodbye to all my coworkers.
• 32:14
  Speaker 1: It's a very emotional goodbye.
• 32:16
  Speaker 1: Uh, I left them holding all of my cases.
• 32:21
  Speaker 1: There are reasons I won't go into here why I worked so hard and why I worked the way that I did, but I went in and stood in front of my coworkers for an hour and I bawled in front of men and women of law enforcement that I had the utmost respect for.
• 32:39
  Speaker 1: I shared my journey, I shared where I was, I shared my concern for them and I left, signed my paperwork and I was gone.
• 32:53
  Speaker 1: Now we're another year past that, 14 months past that date, and I want nothing to do with law enforcement.
• 33:03
  Speaker 1: I had to go testify at a trial recently and if they want me at another trial, they're going to have to come and arrest me.
• 33:11
  Speaker 1: The way that, going back into that environment recently another show for another day but the way that, going back into that environment, it put me right back into cop mode.
• 33:20
  Speaker 1: The chemicals, the feelings, that conversation, all of it put me right back into cop mode.
• 33:24
  Speaker 1: The chemicals, the feelings, that conversation, all of it put me right back into cop mode.
• 33:27
  Speaker 1: It was like I never left.
• 33:28
  Speaker 1: But now I can feel.
• 33:30
  Speaker 1: Earlier I told you my nerves were numb.
• 33:33
  Speaker 1: Now I can feel and I have the feeling for the families that are crying around me.
• 33:40
  Speaker 1: If the wind changes direction, I cry.
• 33:42
  Speaker 1: American Idol, I can't even watch that.
• 33:45
  Speaker 1: I watch American Idol, I bawl.
• 33:46
  Speaker 1: I don't even know what the hell's wrong with me.
• 33:49
  Speaker 1: I feel like I'm on menopause or something.
• 33:51
  Speaker 1: I don't know what's going on.
• 33:52
  Speaker 1: But either way, it's okay.
• 33:56
  Speaker 1: It's okay to have some feelings and I'm struggling.
• 34:01
  Speaker 1: I'm coming back out of that now.
• 34:03
  Speaker 1: I'm getting better, but at the end of the day I'm a lot better now than I was back as a police officer.
• 34:09
  Speaker 1: I want nothing to do with law enforcement.
• 34:11
  Speaker 1: My new career is a complete left-hand turn from law enforcement, nothing to do with it whatsoever, and I'm very, very blessed to be here.
• 34:19
  Speaker 1: You know, I'm blessed to be at my new job and I'm blessed to have my family back and I'm blessed to have Streamline, where I get to do weddings and stuff like that for people.
• 34:32
  Speaker 1: I'm blessed to take the experiences of helping people on their worst day and their people skills and relational skills that I learned during those times and use them today for good.
• 34:46
  Speaker 1: I don't believe that God gives us pain without purpose.
• 34:52
  Speaker 1: I'm not really sure what my whole purpose is right now.
• 34:56
  Speaker 1: I don't know how he's going to use this, but maybe this episode, but maybe this episode, maybe somebody from this episode is listening, has got something, can identify and maybe help them out.
• 35:11
  Speaker 1: Maybe you're that guy on the verge or that girl on the verge of doing something really stupid, whether it's a vice alcohol affairs, drugs, suicide, alcohol affairs, drugs, suicide.
• 35:23
  Speaker 1: Maybe you're the one that is right there thinking I can't go any further.
• 35:33
  Speaker 1: I'm in just a bad, dark place and I'm trying to find something positive in it.
• 35:39
  Speaker 1: Know that there's help and there's hope.
• 35:43
  Speaker 1: There's not pain without purpose.
• 35:46
  Speaker 1: I hope you guys enjoy this episode, little journey from where I was to my final day.
• 35:52
  Speaker 1: One day I'm Bon Jovi's drummer, the next day I'm a nobody, but that in itself is not true.
• 36:02
  Speaker 1: You're always somebody.
• 36:05
  Speaker 1: God always has a plan and there's a purpose to your life.
• 36:13
  Speaker 1: Thank you, guys, so much for listening.
• 36:16
  Speaker 1: Catch me on the next one.
• 36:18
  Speaker 1: Love y'all.