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Why Real Transformation Starts Within—Not Out There · IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective

• 0:00
  Ben: I'm Ben Pugh and you're listening to IMPACT! Parenting with Perspective.
• 0:06
  Ben: This podcast is all about helping parents manage the mental and emotional drama that comes with parenting teens so they can focus on what's most important.
• 0:17
  Ben: Building rock solid relationships and having a powerful impact on their teen's life.
• 0:22
  Ben: Join me each week as I dive into real tools to help you and your teen turn struggles into strengths.
• 0:32
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: All right.
• 0:33
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Welcome back to the podcast guys.
• 0:36
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Today is your lucky day.
• 0:38
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: I just kind of took over this.
• 0:40
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Marika, you are an equal partner here.
• 0:42
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: You can say anything you wanna say, welcome to our podcast.
• 0:47
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: This is gonna be on mine and I believe, unless it totally sucks, it'll also be on podcast.
• 0:54
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: It absolutely will, and it is not gonna suck.
• 0:57
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: It's gonna be amazing.
• 0:59
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Awesome.
• 1:00
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: I am actually super excited about this.
• 1:04
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Those of you guys that have listened to my podcast.
• 1:07
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: talk about my coach all the time.
• 1:10
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: This is my coach.
• 1:11
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: This is Marika.
• 1:13
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: I don't think Jim Forton listens to my podcast, but I've been working with him on about a weekly basis right now, being trained to become one of his coaches, and it's just my mind.
• 1:27
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: And I would still say, Marika, you are my favorite coach.
• 1:31
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: I love working with you and am super proud that I get to show you off to my friends here on the podcast.
• 1:40
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: You are very kind, Ben, and I will tell you for on my podcast, I have talked about you many times because of course we've been co.
• 1:49
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Coaching together for years, years now, and we've known each other since we became coaches.
• 1:58
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: I mean, we literally met in coach training,
• 2:01
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Yeah, that was May of 2018.
• 2:04
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: which is crazy.
• 2:06
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: years.
• 2:08
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Crazy.
• 2:09
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: And I will just say for for my listeners, Ben is the person that coached me through my husband's.
• 2:19
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Really difficult time when he was overseas in a hospital in Vienna.
• 2:24
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: And I remember you and I have talked about this many times.
• 2:28
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: He was getting ready to come back and his plane got delayed.
• 2:31
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: And I remember you coaching me and I was parked in this like target parking lot and we had just found out his plane was delayed.
• 2:41
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Oh, he had all of these crazy.
• 2:45
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Bad luck.
• 2:46
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Things that happen on his flight back from Vienna.
• 2:49
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: He ended up going back later to the hospital, but I, it was just a really hard time and you coached me through that really, really hard time and subsequent really hard times a year later as well when I also was just really struggling.
• 3:07
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: So you have been there for me through some major things in my life.
• 3:13
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Well, thank you.
• 3:14
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: I just feel privileged that you let me be a part of your life.
• 3:19
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: So anyways, you guys are listening.
• 3:22
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Marika has all the respect that I can give her.
• 3:25
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: We, I am super excited about what we're going to talk about.
• 3:29
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: This is also like, a heads up, Marika sent me a video, a Bob Proctor video from like 19.
• 3:39
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Two.
• 3:39
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Okay.
• 3:39
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: I don't know the real date.
• 3:41
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: It just looks old.
• 3:42
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: It does look old.
• 3:43
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: It looks eighties.
• 3:44
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Definitely looks eighties.
• 3:45
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: That was my guess as around as well, somewhere in the eighties for sure.
• 3:49
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Yeah.
• 3:50
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: somewhere in the early eighties,'cause the late eighties where it kinda started looking like the nineties, I'm like, oh, that's not as cringey.
• 3:57
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: But the stuff that he was teaching.
• 4:01
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Is a lot of what I've been teaching and a lot of what you teach, and it is just so applicable.
• 4:08
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: And I think sometimes we, we just are like, oh no, that's from the eighties.
• 4:15
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Like, they didn't know anything in the eighties.
• 4:17
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: We know everything today and you know, I'll, I'll link the video in the show notes, but Marika, why did you send me that video and why did you want to talk about that?
• 4:29
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Yeah, I sent you that video because another coach friend of mine sent it to me and she sent it to me because we were talking about success and we had been, I.
• 4:42
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Talking about, you know, for so many of us, I think this is really true and this is probably a, a function of our upbringing.
• 4:50
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Success is determined by how much money we make.
• 4:53
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: We, and a lot of times how much education we have.
• 4:55
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: I mean, I think that's our, unfortunately, our cultural heritage that we've.
• 5:02
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: That we've acquired this belief that success means money and or status or a combination of that.
• 5:10
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: So she sent me this video because in the very beginning he talks about a definition of success that's just very different from that.
• 5:19
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: And he actually is quoting somebody else who talks about success being defined by.
• 5:28
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: You know where you are and you have goals for where you're going and you're actively working to get there.
• 5:36
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Yeah, wrote that down because I loved it so much.
• 5:41
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: A person's successful if they know where they are and they know where they're going and they're progressively, that's the word that I liked, like progressively.
• 5:52
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Moving in that direction.
• 5:54
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Yes.
• 5:54
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: And I feel like when I feel dissatisfied in my life and unsuccessful, it's usually, it's not that I haven't arrived where I want to arrive.
• 6:06
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: It is usually because I'm not progressively moving in that direction.
• 6:10
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: I'm like, whatever.
• 6:12
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: The opposite of progressively moving is like statically doing nothing.
• 6:17
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Or, or actively resisting or questioning or doubting or wondering if this is the right direction or all the other things that we distract ourselves from moving in the direction.
• 6:29
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: This is kind of my recent work, is trusting myself that I'm, I am moving in the right direction.
• 6:37
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Yeah, it's kinda like, so I recently read The Alchemist like.
• 6:44
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Three times straight.
• 6:46
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: And it is so powerful because you read The Alchemist guys on my podcast, you guys know who I am.
• 6:54
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: I totally have a DHD.
• 6:55
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: I have notes here in front of me.
• 6:58
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: This isn't even part of the notes.
• 6:59
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: I, I'm sorry I'm American,
• 7:01
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: We've gotten distracted.
• 7:02
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: I know.
• 7:03
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: I do wanna come back to the notes though.
• 7:05
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: we will.
• 7:06
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: But in the Alchemist, you can see how everything works out.
• 7:12
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: The way it was always supposed to.
• 7:14
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: And it would be easy to think, oh man, that guy is off track for a year or two years.
• 7:21
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: And I really think that everything that occurs in our lives, and especially this is what I tell parents of teens all the time, that the struggles that your teen is dealing with are exactly what they need.
• 7:36
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: And it's not gonna make sense until 40 years down the road.
• 7:40
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: And you can look back and be like, oh dang.
• 7:43
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: That's when I really learned resilience or that's when I really appreciated my family and that changed everything.
• 7:51
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: You know, I was just literally just yesterday talking about this very thing because my daughter is 17 and I heard her just really emotional the other night, and it's really hard to hear, and part of me wants to go in and fix it, or I want her to talk to me and share what's going on, and she's just not at.
• 8:20
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: She's just not at this stage where she's sharing things with her parents, nor was I at that age.
• 8:26
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: I never talked to my parents about that kind of stuff.
• 8:29
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Anything.
• 8:30
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: I don't even know what it was.
• 8:32
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: But I had to remind myself my first year in college, I went away.
• 8:36
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: I went, oh on the other side of the countrys from the west coast where I grew up, I went to college on the East coast and I remember crying a lot that year.
• 8:47
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: And this is pre-cell phone.
• 8:49
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: So my parents had no idea, but I was in huge emotional turmoil that year and it was just a major transition for me.
• 8:57
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: And so I had to remember like she is just about a year younger than I was at that time, but.
• 9:06
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Remembering and realizing I got through that time, like I figured it out on my own.
• 9:12
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: I didn't need my parents.
• 9:14
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Now I did call home to, you know, check in with my parents, and I do remember on the phone with them as well, but they didn't, you know, they were like 3000 miles away.
• 9:26
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: And so it was just a reminder for me that our kids are resilient and they will figure it out.
• 9:31
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: And even if it's hard to see them struggling, which is where I am right now, it's hard to see her struggling.
• 9:38
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: But she is at this age where she is figuring it out in her own way.
• 9:43
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: I mean, that's, that's the, you know, teenage years, especially the later teenage years, they want to be independent.
• 9:50
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: They want to figure it out.
• 9:52
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Yeah, my oldest.
• 9:55
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Turned 18 in November, early November, which means that had three quarters of the school year left while he's 18.
• 10:05
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: And his favorite thing to do is let us know that he's 18.
• 10:09
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Dad, I'm an adult.
• 10:10
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: I can do whatever I want.
• 10:12
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: And I'm like, bro, I pay for half of your existence at least.
• 10:18
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Yes, yes.
• 10:20
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: It is one of those things where, like you said, older teens, they want that autonomy.
• 10:25
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: They want that independence until they want you to come save them.
• 10:30
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: That's what I've noticed, but.
• 10:32
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Yes, that is also true.
• 10:34
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: That also just happened to me also last night, and I had to, I had to draw a line there.
• 10:40
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: I'm like, Nope, you gotta figure this one out on your own.
• 10:43
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: You know, the same is true.
• 10:44
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: So one thing we we didn't say is that I'm a coach for people who are caregiving.
• 10:50
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: And in that role, while your partner is an adult.
• 10:56
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: It's the same dynamic that happens though when they are struggling.
• 11:02
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: It's so hard to not want to step in and fix it for them, or I.
• 11:11
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Figure out how to solve their problems, especially when those are emotional challenges, which they often are.
• 11:18
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: And what I always tell people is you have to believe they can do it themself, even when you don't see the evidence of that.
• 11:27
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: And I think that applies equally to adults as well as to, to our kids or to our teenagers.
• 11:32
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Like we, we feel like they're not doing it right, you
• 11:36
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Yeah.
• 11:37
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: know?
• 11:39
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Real quick for my audience, explain your niche is and what caregiving means, because if I didn't know you, I don't think I would know.
• 11:49
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Yeah, so I coach people who are caring for a partner with cancer and that in that role they.
• 11:57
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: You know, or are going through the often very challenging journey of disease with their partner, but from the side of the caregiver.
• 12:06
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: So they have all those challenges as well and all the fears and anxieties of their life turning upside down.
• 12:13
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: And I help them build the mental and emotional and physical and spiritual resilience to really get through that time so they can support their partner and be there for their partner without.
• 12:26
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Losing themself in the process and burning out and becoming exhausted, and yeah, which as we've talked, is very similar.
• 12:36
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: A lot of the practices are very similar to the parent teen dynamic.
• 12:41
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Yeah.
• 12:42
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: more I get into coaching, the more I realize these truths and these principles are just eternal and principles and you can apply them like I feel like.
• 12:57
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Well, before I taint your mind, I'm curious, what would you say that you coach me on the most?
• 13:05
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Your business.
• 13:06
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Yeah.
• 13:06
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: My business
• 13:07
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Yeah.
• 13:08
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: and I coach you.
• 13:11
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: You're probably a little more balanced than me.
• 13:12
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: I coach you on like parenting your business.
• 13:16
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Relationships
• 13:17
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: No, but the principles are all the same.
• 13:21
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: I.
• 13:22
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: They apply and it just depends, like I would say it's almost a filter through which you look at your life.
• 13:32
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: These
• 13:32
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: sure.
• 13:33
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: and the coaching tools that we use and teach you can look through.
• 13:38
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: It is almost like a pair of glasses that you can just put on and you now see everything through that lens.
• 13:45
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: And it's a much more helpful lens.
• 13:47
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: And this actually ties us back into the notes where we got.
• 13:51
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: off track.
• 13:52
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: I wasn't even planning that.
• 13:53
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Just got lucky here.
• 13:55
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: one of the things that I really liked about Bob Proctor, he talks about how most people are fixated on things outside of their control.
• 14:05
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: In addition to that, I would say most people are convinced that the way they perceive reality is the only way to perceive reality, and they're.
• 14:19
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Scared and worried and unhappy because of the lenses through which they're looking at the world.
• 14:27
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Yeah, that also, I think he talks about that in the very beginning of the interview, and it is so true.
• 14:36
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: I mean, we all get caught up in that.
• 14:40
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: We forget that I.
• 14:42
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Our view of the world is just that it's simply a view, it's, it's one way of seeing things.
• 14:48
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: And we get so used to seeing it through our own perspective that I think it's easy to forget that there's other ideas out there or there's other ways of looking at it.
• 15:00
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: And that's why coaching is so powerful, and I think this is what you and I do for each other when we coach each other, is we just simply, it's that reminder.
• 15:08
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: That you're only looking at it from this one perspective.
• 15:13
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: And I think Yeah, with parenting that's so true.
• 15:17
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: With caregiving, we can get so convinced that we know how our partners should behave or be or be taking care of themself or be handling it mentally.
• 15:29
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: And we feel like that's the only way, that's the right way.
• 15:34
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: And if, if what they're doing conflicts with that, you just, it just causes so much turmoil in ourselves because you're like, they're doing it wrong, they're doing it wrong, and you can just, it's but it, but ultimately comes back to it.
• 15:50
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: What they're doing is outside of your control.
• 15:53
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Right.
• 15:53
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Ultimately.
• 15:55
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: I've, I've got a perfect story to go with that.
• 15:57
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: So my second oldest, he is a really good basketball player.
• 16:02
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: He is decided to.
• 16:04
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Basically medically retire from football because he doesn't want to get hurt in football, which breaks my heart'cause I love football and he is really good at football He doesn't want to get hurt and for that to mess up basketball.
• 16:17
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: And so he is like, yeah, I'll just go all in on basketball.
• 16:19
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: I.
• 16:21
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: his all in on basketball is not what I think his all in on basketball should be.
• 16:27
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: And we have a friend, he plays basketball with me.
• 16:30
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: He went, he played college basketball and he works with teens to help them be more prepared for high school.
• 16:39
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: And this guy's offering, like my son has gone to most of his workouts, but there's sometimes where he is like, no, I'm too sore.
• 16:45
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: I'm too tired.
• 16:46
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: I'm like, bro, you're 16 years old.
• 16:49
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Like.
• 16:50
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Wait till you turn 43 and then you'll know what, so it's,
• 16:54
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: You don't know what tired is kid.
• 16:57
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: but like, I'm, so, I like to talk about it in terms of the model.
• 17:02
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Like I have my model, he has his model, and I am sitting here trying to manage his model for him.
• 17:11
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Like, no, no, these are the behaviors that I think you should take.
• 17:14
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: No, you should be more motivated.
• 17:17
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: No, don't think that like, and.
• 17:20
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: All the time I spend trying to manage his model.
• 17:23
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: I'm not managing my own human beings, we're terrible at this.
• 17:29
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: We're constantly trying to fix things outside of us.
• 17:33
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: We're looking for the solution on the outside rather than turning that focus inward and being responsible for our own model.
• 17:42
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: So where do you see.
• 17:45
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: This show up for your clients, so that's where it shows up for you as a parent.
• 17:49
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Do you see that same sort of scenario with your clients?
• 17:53
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Yeah.
• 17:53
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: The funny thing, it depends on who I am working with teens.
• 17:58
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: I'll give you this.
• 17:59
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: I think teens have a little more pure model, like they're like the teens that I work with right now are athletes or like.
• 18:12
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: I'm working with a wide range, but like he focuses on the refs or my shot is off, or something like that.
• 18:22
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: they sound just like that story for me.
• 18:25
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Like
• 18:25
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Yeah.
• 18:26
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: on their teen, like they're dating someone I don't like, or they're slacking in school and not getting as good a grades as I think.
• 18:37
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Then the other thing, I coach a lot of moms.
• 18:40
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Sometimes it is the spouse.
• 18:41
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: They're like my freaking husband, and
• 18:44
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Yes.
• 18:45
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: it is just the human condition.
• 18:47
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: We want
• 18:47
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Yeah.
• 18:48
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: external things so we don't have to fix ourselves.
• 18:51
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Oh gosh.
• 18:52
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: I think that's, that says it very well.
• 18:55
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: We, we do, we wanna fix external things.
• 18:57
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: It seems easier.
• 18:58
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: So for me, actually that's very similar with, with my clients as well.
• 19:03
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: I have a, a, a client right now who's.
• 19:07
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: It's been amazing.
• 19:08
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: When she came to me, she, her boyfriend got diagnosed with a brain tumor.
• 19:17
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: I'm not sure.
• 19:17
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: It may be a brain tumor or brain cancer, but, and he's it's terminal or, and when she came to me, she wanted to help him.
• 19:32
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Through this time and he has shut her out and he said, you need to move on.
• 19:36
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: I don't wanna see you anymore.
• 19:38
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: You know, I don't wanna drag you through this.
• 19:40
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: And she was just devastated.
• 19:42
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: And she's like, I need to be part of his life.
• 19:44
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: He should not be going through this alone.
• 19:46
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: I need to help him through this.
• 19:49
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: And she was entirely focused on him.
• 19:52
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: And the first thing I said in our consultation was I said, look, my job is to help you and.
• 20:02
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: I, we can't control what he's gonna do if he shuts you out or not.
• 20:06
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Like we can't control that.
• 20:08
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: But what I can do is help you figure out how to be strong and show up how you wanna be.
• 20:14
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: And so that's what we've worked on and I will tell you.
• 20:18
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: It is incredible.
• 20:19
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Within, you know, weeks, she has completely shifted her focus away from him and what he's doing and on herself and who she wants to be.
• 20:31
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: And she has achieved like in a very short time, this peace and serenity that she did not have.
• 20:40
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: She was wracked with anxiety.
• 20:41
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: She said it's like this cold claw in my stomach and, but.
• 20:46
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: All she really did was shifted her focus away from him and what he's doing and the actions he's taking in his life and choices he's making and putting them instead focused, just refocusing on herself.
• 21:02
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Yeah.
• 21:03
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: that has just completely changed.
• 21:05
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: He still.
• 21:06
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: He's still, they are still talking and, you know, but nothing has really changed in his life.
• 21:13
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: But her ability to show up for him without this, like attachment to his, his choices has just completely changed because she refocused on herself, which was what she can control, but it, it seemed easier to wanna fix him, you know?
• 21:33
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Yeah.
• 21:34
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Yeah.
• 21:35
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: That's beautiful.
• 21:35
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Yeah.
• 21:36
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: I was gonna ask what it looks like in your world when someone applies this.
• 21:41
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: That was a super.
• 21:43
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Awesome example.
• 21:44
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: One of the things I've noticed in mine, so I was working with a young man, he, here's one of the things about my coaching, like I seriously think I could charge the same amount that I charge for nine sessions and just deliver one session like this.
• 22:01
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: One young man I'm gonna tell you about, like he came home from his mission early and in the church that's a big deal.
• 22:09
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: And people are like, what were you not worthy?
• 22:11
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Were you like, what's going on?
• 22:14
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: And he was like, I need to have a good excuse so that people don't judge me.
• 22:23
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: I was like, bro, people are gonna judge you no matter what.
• 22:26
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Like
• 22:27
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Yes.
• 22:28
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: cares
• 22:28
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Right.
• 22:29
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: they think?
• 22:30
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: And we talked about the hero mentality versus the victim mentality.
• 22:34
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: And one of the things was like in when you're in the victim mentality, you're focused on other people like, man, what are they thinking about me?
• 22:42
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: What are their
• 22:42
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Yeah.
• 22:43
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: And like, we've finished coaching now, but his biggest breakthrough was.
• 22:52
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: It was the free consultation.
• 22:54
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Like he could have not paid me anything.
• 22:56
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: And just like that was the biggest breakthrough of the whole thing.
• 22:59
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: When he realized, I'm trying to control how other people think of me.
• 23:04
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Yep.
• 23:04
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: not who I want to be.
• 23:06
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: I'm gonna re harness all of that energy and apply it to being me.
• 23:11
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Yeah.
• 23:12
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: not to say all the rest of our coaching sessions were a waste like.
• 23:16
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: The discussion was on like, like the, we're actually accidentally following our notes here.
• 23:21
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Like it was on him realizing, oh, I need to define this is who I want to be, and then practice being that every day.
• 23:31
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Yeah, and I think that answering that question for ourselves, who do I wanna be?
• 23:41
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Is something that we need to be doing constantly.
• 23:46
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: And I will tell you one of the ways you coached me on that fairly recently.
• 23:53
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: I mean it's been probably six months, but when I was struggling with in my relationship and the.
• 24:04
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: The guy I am dating, like he was kind of unsure of his feelings about me and you.
• 24:10
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Your coaching, which was so powerful, was about Marika.
• 24:15
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: You cannot let him decide whatever.
• 24:19
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: He's gonna let him figure it out.
• 24:22
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Who do you wanna be?
• 24:23
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: And I said, I wanna be someone who loves.
• 24:28
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Without expecting anything in return, and I actually shared that with my client, who I just mentioned as well, because.
• 24:39
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: We all like, it takes that shift of being who do I wanna be and not who do I want them to be?
• 24:50
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Or what do I want to get from them?
• 24:52
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Or what do I want in return for this?
• 24:54
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: It's more who do I want to be?
• 24:56
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: And I think as caregivers too, like in our, in our relationships, choosing who we wanna show up as regardless of how the other person.
• 25:09
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: What kind of parent do I wanna be, regardless of whether my teen tells me they hate me, or, you know, they do all the things I think they should.
• 25:18
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Like, it doesn't matter, right?
• 25:19
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Because it, it doesn't change anything.
• 25:22
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: But if we consistently show up in, in the way that we think is most powerful for ourselves, ironically, people do change.
• 25:32
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Like that's what influences and creates change in others.
• 25:35
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: I think way more than.
• 25:38
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Anything else, it's when we decide, we show up powerfully.
• 25:42
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Yeah, one of my favorite tools that I use in coaching, I say it's one of my favorites.
• 25:48
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: I feel like I haven't used it in like six months, and I need to like.
• 25:54
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: don't plan like session to session.
• 25:56
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: I don't follow an outline.
• 25:57
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Maybe I should someday.
• 25:58
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: But this model, people are really good at identifying what they're afraid of.
• 26:04
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: And I think most people very aware of what they're afraid of.
• 26:08
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: They're just reacting to what's happening in life.
• 26:12
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: And anyways, I like to identify like, okay, what are all the things that you're afraid of?
• 26:16
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Because it's kinda like.
• 26:18
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: If you don't take the time to identify it, it seems way scarier.
• 26:23
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: That's actually a principle in horror movies.
• 26:26
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: They wait till the very end to reveal the monster or the scary thing because it will always disappoint you compared to your imagination came up with.
• 26:37
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Right.
• 26:38
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Anyway, so we take the time to define what are you afraid of?
• 26:42
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: And I call that catastrophizing.
• 26:44
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: And then I'm like, well, let's just optimize for a minute.
• 26:46
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Like, what if it works out better than you could've expected?
• 26:50
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: It is just perfect.
• 26:52
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: they spend the time, so like parents have looked like, oh, my teen's ruining their life.
• 26:56
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: They're failing school.
• 26:57
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: They're gonna drop out, they're gonna become a drug dealer.
• 27:00
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: And like just the worst of the worst.
• 27:03
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: And then I'm like, oh, what?
• 27:04
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: What about the best case scenario?
• 27:06
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: And they're like, man, he could actually.
• 27:09
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Be a really good businessman.
• 27:11
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: He could be a millionaire, he could be a great husband and father.
• 27:15
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: And then they started to optimize.
• 27:17
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: And then I pause'em.
• 27:17
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: I'm like, okay, let's look at the best case scenario.
• 27:21
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: If that happens, who would you like to be in that moment?
• 27:27
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: And they're like, man, I want be proud.
• 27:30
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: I want to be loving and caring.
• 27:34
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: wanna be.
• 27:35
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Supportive and I'm like, okay, awesome.
• 27:38
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Now let's go back to that scary worst case scenario that can, you came up with all those ways of being, do they apply to the worst case scenario?
• 27:48
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Do you still wanna be loving?
• 27:49
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Do you still wanna be confident?
• 27:52
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Do you still wanna be kind 100% of the time?
• 27:55
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: They're like, oh yeah, I do want to be that.
• 28:00
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: it makes your life so much easier because now worrying about all the crap outside of your control.
• 28:05
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: can just let go of that and focus on the one thing within your control.
• 28:09
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Who do I want to be?
• 28:11
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: And you can trust.
• 28:12
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: It will be applicable to the best case scenario and it'll be applicable to the worst case scenario.
• 28:18
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: But your job's easy'cause you just have one job.
• 28:22
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Be the you that you want to be.
• 28:24
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Yeah, that's a great, yeah, that's a great example.
• 28:28
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: And I think.
• 28:30
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Taking people to the place of, of what they're afraid of is so helpful because we all have these ideas looming in the back of our head, but they feel so much bigger and it, it is crazy with horror movies.
• 28:49
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Which when they don't, you don't see the monster until the whole thing.
• 28:53
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: It's the anticipation.
• 28:54
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: It's because it's an undefined thing that makes it so scary, you know?
• 28:59
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: And that's, there's so many things I think, in our lives that are like that, that we haven't defined, that we're afraid of.
• 29:07
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: And then just recognizing and just naming it first and then, then tying it back to how you wanna be.
• 29:16
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Regardless of what the monster is or, or what the fantasy like the best case scenario is, what the dream is versus the monster.
• 29:24
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Yeah.
• 29:26
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: The thing that I really liked about the Bob Proctor video, two things, right from the very start, he is like, everyone's looking for solutions from outside of themselves, and he talks about the need to really know who you are and who you want to be, and kind of know that you're moving in that direction.
• 29:47
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: I think.
• 29:49
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Most of the world is in reaction mode, and seeing this real clearly in the US when I quit caring about politics.
• 30:01
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Like there was a time, man, I was getting so into it like Donald Trump and Hillary were.
• 30:08
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: The two options.
• 30:10
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: And the person that I liked was a dude named Andrew Yang that no one had even heard about, but I'm like, this guy is the guy like, and I was getting all into it and it was funny, the polls would come out and they'd be like.
• 30:24
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Hillary's ahead, she's gonna win.
• 30:26
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: And all my Republican friends are like, she's gonna ruin the world.
• 30:29
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: This is the end of the world as we know it.
• 30:31
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: And then the next poll would come out and they're like, no.
• 30:33
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Like somehow Donald Trump could win.
• 30:35
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: And all my Democrat friends were like, that's the end of the world's.
• 30:40
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: And I was like, I don't have to be a part of that.
• 30:44
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Like
• 30:45
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Yeah.
• 30:45
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: can choose rather than reacting to whatever happens.
• 30:50
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Like really, I.
• 30:52
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Who I vote for has such a little impact.
• 30:57
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: I want to know who I want to be and not be like 95% of the population that's being in reaction to their surroundings.
• 31:06
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Yes.
• 31:06
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: And that brings me to the exercise that you do, and I do as well about defining.
• 31:16
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Who we wanna be.
• 31:17
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: And I've told my clients this and I've done this exercise in, in this podcast defining who you wanna be as a caregiver, but I stole that exercise from you defining who you wanna be as a parent.
• 31:31
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Freely with love.
• 31:34
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: But it's so, it's so powerful because it turns that question back on ourselves.
• 31:40
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: And then, and then I think you said it so best, like, then it just makes our job simple.
• 31:45
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Like once you figure that out, who do you wanna be in this role, in this part of your life?
• 31:52
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Then all you have to do is just focus on it and just consistently be that or keep coming back to it.
• 31:58
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Or keep reminding yourself, who do I wanna be here?
• 32:01
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: And I do that in my relationship, literally that coaching, like who do I wanna be in in my relationships with others?
• 32:10
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: I, you consistently remind myself of that.
• 32:13
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: I think that makes our job, it just makes it easier, makes the execution easier, because then our job is simple.
• 32:19
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: We don't have to fix everybody else.
• 32:21
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: We just have to show up and trust that that is what influences others.
• 32:28
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: I really think like.
• 32:31
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Our kids learn, and I have to remind myself of this all the time.
• 32:36
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Our kids learn from who they see us being so much and in the good and the bad, right?
• 32:45
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Like they will learn from us, from who we're being in our life.
• 32:49
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Probably way more than anything we'll ever tell them.
• 32:53
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: And all of us right now could think about like.
• 32:55
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Yes.
• 32:55
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: There's probably a few things that our parents said that stand out, but mostly the lessons we learned for were from who they were, good and bad, right.
• 33:07
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: so I gotta know this thing that you stole from me, like, do you have your clients write a 10 word vision statement and everything?
• 33:16
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: No, no, not exactly not a vision statement.
• 33:19
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: I have them define kind of define it, but not into a single statement.
• 33:25
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: I've thought about doing that.
• 33:27
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: I feel like I.
• 33:29
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Sometimes that's really hard.
• 33:30
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: It's really hard to condense it.
• 33:32
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: But the positive side, the pro side, is that it's also easy to, easier to remember and keep, you know, kind of top of your mind.
• 33:40
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: But I have them sort of write out like five kind of phrases or sentences and then post it somewhere.
• 33:47
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Yeah, so I like to have mine write out a 10 word vision statement like mine is parenting with love, confidence, and curiosity is easy and fun that helps ground me.
• 34:00
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: It helps point me in the right direction, I have my clients write that on like five three by five cards and then hang it up throughout.
• 34:09
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Prominent locations in their lives.
• 34:11
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: So, and mine was like above my bed on my bathroom mirror, on the refrigerator door, on the pantry door.
• 34:18
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: 'cause obviously I stop for food all the time and on my garage door as I head out to my car.
• 34:25
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: The reason I think that's important, it's one thing to know who you want to be, but part of the human condition is that you will never be exactly who you want to be.
• 34:39
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: There will always be an area of growth.
• 34:43
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Like, man, I watched Ted Lasso and I'm like, gosh, if I could just be more like Ted Lasso, he's so funny and just all scripted.
• 34:51
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Like he has an unfair advantage.
• 34:53
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: He is got a team of writers that help him be that, but thing is you will never be who you want to be.
• 34:59
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: There will always be a little gap in between who you are, where you want to be.
• 35:05
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: The goal is to know who you want to be.
• 35:08
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Know who you are and practice being that best version of
• 35:12
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Yeah.
• 35:13
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: And for me, I like to use the Wheel of Life principle that I teach, where easy times are the top of the wheel.
• 35:20
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Hard times are the bottom of the wheel.
• 35:22
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Most people are like, okay, I gotta practice in the hard times.
• 35:26
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: No, give yourself a break.
• 35:28
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Practice when it's easy.
• 35:30
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: And that'll help you prepare for when it's tough.
• 35:33
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: then you'll start finding like, oh.
• 35:36
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: I can actually show up and be intentional way more easily now than I could two weeks ago.
• 35:44
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Yeah.
• 35:44
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Yeah.
• 35:45
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: And he, Bob Proctor, talked about that very thing as well in that interview where he talks about our self-image and,
• 35:57
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Yeah.
• 35:57
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: and imagining who we want to be and getting very specific, which I think goes back to your, you know, 10 word vision statement and writing that down and, and being, having it be very specific, who do I wanna be?
• 36:12
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Yeah, that's, that's awesome.
• 36:16
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: So let's talk about the law of polarity real quick,'cause he talks about that a little bit.
• 36:22
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: And I know that's one that you've mentioned that you wanted to talk about.
• 36:26
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Anything you wanna say about the law of polarity?
• 36:30
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Well, first of all, I, I wanna define it because this is not something I talk a whole lot about it with my clients, and it's just another way of looking at things and love polarity, at least the way Bob Proctor defines it.
• 36:47
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: And as we were talking, he, his information probably comes from.
• 36:51
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: I'm not exactly sure, but from the various sources that all life coaching and self transformation comes from basically the dawn of time.
• 37:01
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: But the, the idea that there are, there are opposites in the world, like this is a, a law of nature that there are always, everything has its opposite.
• 37:09
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: And one of the examples he gives is there are, you know, there's positive things and negative things always, and if something.
• 37:16
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Seemingly bad happens, there's a positive side to it and vice versa, right?
• 37:20
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: So everything has an opposite, which is the law of polarity.
• 37:27
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: And so if there are both good and bad in everything, or there is an opposite to everything we naturally see a lot of times I think in, especially in the circumstances of our lives, we, we.
• 37:44
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: We see the bad.
• 37:45
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: We zoom in on the bad, we focus on the bad, and we don't see the good, but it's there because if that's, this is the law and we're, we're accepting the fact that everything in life has a, has a, an opposite to it, then we have to find the good.
• 38:02
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: And that's something I, I do talk about a lot, but I don't talk about in terms of this really being a law of nature, that there's both.
• 38:12
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: A yin and a yang, right?
• 38:13
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: A positive and a negative side of everything.
• 38:17
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Yeah.
• 38:18
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: I just looked at the time.
• 38:19
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Do you have a few more minutes?
• 38:21
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Do you have a call right after
• 38:22
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Nope.
• 38:23
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Nope.
• 38:23
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: I'm good.
• 38:24
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: I have about 10 minutes,
• 38:26
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Okay.
• 38:27
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: have, have you ever read the cabal?
• 38:30
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: I have not, no.
• 38:32
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Have you ever heard of it?
• 38:33
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Mm-hmm.
• 38:34
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: So it's, let's see.
• 38:37
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: I don't even know how to describe it.
• 38:39
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: AI says the Alion is a book on hermetic philosophy and it outlines seven universal principles and laws.
• 38:48
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Anyways, that's one of them.
• 38:50
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: like the cabal.
• 38:51
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: I thought it was awesome.
• 38:53
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: I talked to someone about that and they're like, do you know that's part of the occult?
• 38:57
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: I'm like.
• 38:58
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: It's not like satanism or anything, it's just teachings that came before Christ, basically.
• 39:03
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Right.
• 39:03
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Yes.
• 39:04
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: But yeah, I, it teaches polarity and it also teaches this, I'm probably gonna butcher it, but like kind of a duality where things appear to be different, but they're just two different sides of the same thing.
• 39:23
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: And so one of the.
• 39:25
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Examples is like light and darkness or hot and cold.
• 39:31
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: hot and cold are the same thing.
• 39:33
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: And it's very subjective as to what is hot, what is cold.
• 39:37
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Like someone might think, like, I live in Utah, and we'd go to Southern California around Christmas time and we'd be out playing in the ocean and people would come and ask us and they'd be like, are you guys from Utah?
• 39:50
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: And we'd be like, yeah, how'd you know?
• 39:53
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: are the only people crazy enough to play in the ocean when it's this cold and we're like, this isn't even cold.
• 39:57
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: It's like 70 degrees.
• 39:59
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Like what?
• 40:01
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Anyways, when you can start to understand these laws and these principles, it's like I said earlier, it's kinda like changing the glasses or changing the lenses through which you see the world.
• 40:17
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: people are trained to see the world through the lens of.
• 40:22
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: What's going wrong?
• 40:24
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: is this happening to me?
• 40:26
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: I don't like this.
• 40:28
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: if you look at the world through those lenses, if you look at the world through the lens of what you don't like, you'll never truly know what you do.
• 40:36
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Like you'll just be trying to escape what you don't like, rather than trying to seek out what you do.
• 40:42
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Like if you're asking, why is this happening to me, that is a crappy question to ask.
• 40:48
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Like.
• 40:50
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Why does the world suck so bad?
• 40:52
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Don't ask these type of questions intentionally.
• 40:55
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Choose to change the filter through which you see the world, and it'll change how the world interacts with you.
• 41:02
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Yeah, and the questions that you just pointed out are such an easy way to do that.
• 41:07
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: And, and to your point, like asking, you know, why does the world suck?
• 41:14
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: I mean, we can all fight answers to that right now.
• 41:17
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: And, and, but we all could forever as well.
• 41:21
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Like the world doesn't suck any less now than it did 50 years ago or a hundred years ago.
• 41:28
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: And the world is equally amazing now as it was a hundred years ago or 200 years ago.
• 41:36
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: And so asking that question, you know, what is good about this?
• 41:40
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Like finding.
• 41:41
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: The opposite in what you're seeing or forcing yourself to look for it and, and just because we don't, by nature like we see the bad, we automatically, you know, look for it.
• 41:53
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: And I think in ine that's so it can be hard to do.
• 41:57
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: I mean, can, and the treatment and the process of combating that disease, there's a lot of ugliness and horribleness in that.
• 42:11
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: And there is also beauty in not exactly the disease, but the moments it might create the connection, the greater understanding about the meaning of life and what is really important and what matters most to us.
• 42:29
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Like those are also come about when we are.
• 42:33
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Thinking about our mortality and others' mortality and the depth of love that we can have for someone.
• 42:41
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: The amount of energy that we discover we are capable of like sustaining over long periods of time under incredible stress.
• 42:51
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Like those are all amazing things that come out of something that's a really hard situation, and it's just a matter of, you know.
• 43:02
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: As we, as we face the challenge of the pain of loss and seeing, losing some parts of our partner as the disease progresses, or just the things that we lose in our relationship through because of disease or facing it or caregiving.
• 43:24
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: And that loss though, I mean, there's always a, there's always a another side to it.
• 43:29
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: There's always things that we're gaining in the process, maybe gaining deeper understanding of what's important to us.
• 43:36
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: I mean, so that's the opposite side, but you have to look for it'cause you'll miss it.
• 43:40
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: I mean, we'll, you'll just see again, what you're, what you don't want.
• 43:45
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Yeah, I had a similar conversation with someone that was kind of curious about what I do, and I talked about how I, obviously I don't coach on caregiving, so it wasn't about that, but I do coach on like.
• 44:01
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: The struggles and the ugly things.
• 44:04
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: And even like teen suicide is something I've had to coach parents on, which is scary because that's outside of your control.
• 44:12
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: And basically I was talking about how in your story, are the main character, like your existence is about you and everything that happens.
• 44:26
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: To you, around you is for your good and for your growth.
• 44:30
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: And the funny thing was, so this person was like, oh, so you teach people how to be a narcissist?
• 44:36
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: And I'm like, oh, you're kind of missing the point.
• 44:40
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: But when you can start to see that, oh, my child is not doing what I think they should, or My spouse is not handling this condition the way I think they should.
• 44:53
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: What's the opportunity for my growth, my development?
• 45:00
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Because really you have two
• 45:02
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Yeah.
• 45:02
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: can fixate on the other person and be miserable, or I.
• 45:07
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: can bring that fix fixation and all the energy that comes with that, internally, bring it inside apply it to your own growth.
• 45:19
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: that could be physical growth, spiritual growth, mental and emotional growth.
• 45:25
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: And I feel like in the world that we live in, like.
• 45:28
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Man, we call everyone a narcissist nowadays,
• 45:31
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Yes.
• 45:31
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: by the way, it's like 0.7% of the population is narcissistic, so it can't be everyone, guys.
• 45:39
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: when you can really look embrace, am responsible more than I'm taking credit for, and I'm also not responsible.
• 45:53
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: For more things that I'm trying to take credit for.
• 45:55
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: And if you can just delineate between those and be like, oh, this is my responsibility.
• 46:02
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: I will manage that.
• 46:03
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: This is not my responsibility.
• 46:06
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: not gonna manage that.
• 46:07
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: It'll make your life easier.
• 46:09
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Yeah.
• 46:10
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: I love, that's a great way to describe it of, yeah, lanes of responsibility and we're so often in another person's lane trying to take responsible for things that are not our responsibility and shirking our own responsibilities.
• 46:28
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: It is just, and I mean,
• 46:30
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: And abdicating that responsibility
• 46:32
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: yes.
• 46:33
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: your fault.
• 46:34
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Yes, yes.
• 46:36
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Oh my gosh.
• 46:37
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: We do that in so many ways.
• 46:38
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: We definitely, I mean, I can see myself doing that as a parent for sure.
• 46:42
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: We, we do that, yes.
• 46:44
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: In caregiving.
• 46:45
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: I mean, that is, I think that's, and that, I think it's something that you have to consciously, consciously stay mindful of and be asking yourself, what's my responsibility here?
• 46:56
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Yeah, yeah,
• 46:58
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: actually probably a great question to just ask what's my responsibility here?
• 47:02
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Or what's this an opportunity?
• 47:04
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: How, how can I grow here?
• 47:05
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: As like you mentioned, that's another great way to think about it.
• 47:09
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: yeah.
• 47:10
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: I need to wrap up if.
• 47:14
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: I, I kind of took over.
• 47:15
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: I'm sorry, Marika, I'm pushy.
• 47:17
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: What is one thing that you want both of our audiences just hear and take away?
• 47:35
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: I really like thinking about what we just talked about, I think is just something that I probably haven't talked about enough, which is.
• 47:49
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: What am I responsible for?
• 47:51
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: And I think one of the reasons is because in caregiving we do take on a lot of responsibility, and often a lot of those responsibilities are for the other person's care, right?
• 48:02
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Their health and wellbeing.
• 48:03
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: We take that on, or we've been given that, or it falls on our shoulders, and so you feel like you are responsible for them.
• 48:11
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: And in many ways you are.
• 48:13
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: I mean, I have one client who's.
• 48:15
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Who has literally, you know, is caring for her husband, who's, who's terminal, and her responsibilities are like kind almost to the level of a nurse.
• 48:27
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: I mean, basically it is, you know, she's, she's literally responsible for maintaining his life.
• 48:33
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: It's a huge responsibility, and yet you have to still define or def divide.
• 48:42
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Where that ends and then what your responsibilities are.
• 48:46
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: And I, I think that can be really hard in caregiving because we do, there is a lot of overlap.
• 48:53
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: And so maybe figuring out, you know, the, the mental and emotional side, their, their emotional wellbeing is not something we can take responsibility for.
• 49:04
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: And I think that's the area we want to, and we try to, and we can't, you know, and in, in so doing, in so placing our focus externally on their emotional health and wellbeing, we advocate.
• 49:19
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Our own.
• 49:20
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: And that's the biggest, that's what ends, I think, for the biggest struggle in so many caregivers.
• 49:25
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: So figuring out, you know, how can I, where is my responsibility here for my own emotional wellbeing, mental and emotional wellbeing?
• 49:35
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Yeah, and I would just add caregiving, I would imagine it's the same for sure with being a teenager, a lot of times we think, man, I have to do this.
• 49:50
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: I made this child.
• 49:51
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: I have to take care of'em guys, I was a foster parent for 10 years.
• 49:56
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: I know that no parent has to take care of their child.
• 49:59
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: I've seen it all the time.
• 50:01
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Yeah.
• 50:01
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: powerful when you shift the lens from this is something I have to do to, this is something I'm choosing to do.
• 50:11
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: And that's the difference in living in a reactive state.
• 50:15
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Like, oh man, I have to get this done realizing, no.
• 50:20
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: I'm choosing to do this, and if I'm choosing to do do this, do I want to do it?
• 50:25
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Who do I want to be?
• 50:27
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: And it's just like I was talking about earlier, shifting the lens through which you see your reality.
• 50:34
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: It the power to empower you and make it easier.
• 50:40
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: So.
• 50:41
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Yeah.
• 50:42
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Yeah, absolutely.
• 50:44
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Ben, this has been awesome.
• 50:46
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: We could talk forever and.
• 50:50
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: We should just do a podcast together.
• 50:54
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: And maybe we will sometime.
• 50:56
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: I'm still working on it.
• 50:57
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Guys, if
• 50:58
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: I know.
• 50:59
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: this episode with Marika, if you're one of Marika's listeners, hey, I love you just the same as I love my listeners, but feel free to reach out to Maria and say, Hey, you should do more podcasts with Ben.
• 51:11
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: That'll help my cause.
• 51:14
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Listen to my podcast.
• 51:16
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: can use the text Ben feature.
• 51:19
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Let me know how much you love Marika.
• 51:20
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: She's awesome.
• 51:21
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: I'd love to get her back on the show.
• 51:24
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: if you have any questions, feel free to reach out.
• 51:27
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Marika, where could people find you?
• 51:30
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Just in case you just take this and throw, or if I don't edit it and just throw it on mine.
• 51:34
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Where could people find
• 51:35
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Yes.
• 51:36
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: love you?
• 51:36
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Find me through my website, coach marika.com, and you can email me from there, set up a consultation.
• 51:45
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Yeah, head, head to my website, coach marika.com.
• 51:49
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: What about you, Ben?
• 51:50
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Where's the best place to find you?
• 51:52
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Ben pugh coaching.com.
• 51:56
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: And Ma has a podcast.
• 51:58
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: I have a podcast.
• 51:59
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: If you like us, go listen to more of our podcasts.
• 52:02
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: will, we will link to each other's podcasts in the show notes as well.
• 52:06
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: So, yeah.
• 52:07
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Proctor, is he even still alive?
• 52:08
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: We're gonna link to that guy's video
• 52:10
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Yes,
• 52:11
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: him,
• 52:12
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: yes.
• 52:13
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: I, I watched that video like five times, so.
• 52:17
  ben_1_06-06-2025_092058: Okay, well thank you Marika, and I will talk to you
• 52:21
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: All right, Ben.
• 52:21
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Thanks.
• 52:22
  marika-humphreys_1_06-06-2025_082058: Bye.