Latest / The Mental Healness Podcast / Should you tell the narcissist you are leaving them?

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Should you tell the narcissist you are leaving them? · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:00
  What is going on, beautiful folks?
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  Lee Hammock, your favorite self aware narcissist here with
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  another episode of The Narcissist Code.
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  Today we're asking a question. Should you tell a narcissist you
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  are leaving them? Should you tell them?
• 0:14
  Should have. Should you let them know?
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  Let's get it. Boom, boom, boom.
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  Welcome back. Welcome back.
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  Welcome back, folks. That's the question of the year.
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  Say, I know the question of the hour, safety first.
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  This is always tell people safety first.
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  Should you tell them you are leaving?
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  There are a lot of moving pieces in this situation, but I'm
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  always going to say safety first because some people have kids,
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  some people don't have kids, some people have houses,
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  property, cars, some people don't have access to finances.
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  Somebody there's so many different moving pieces here
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  that you always want to plan for your safety first, being safe
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  and whatnot. What's going on April, How you
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  doing? This is a good question.
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  I'm I'm going to do a whole separate video right there.
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  How to tell a narcissist. I'll do a whole separate video
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  on that one. But any spaces, right, You have
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  to protect your safety first. You have to protect the safety
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  of your children if you have them.
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  This is the this is what you have to work with.
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  This is the type of mindsets you have to have.
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  You know, it is like it's just in this space right here.
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  I told you a few hours ago I left home and never came back.
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  Nothing has changed their self as your life will.
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  Yeah. I mean, I don't know.
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  Did we talk earlier today? Did you do one-on-one today?
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  But yeah, if you tell them you could foil foil your whole
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  escape plan, you could, you know what I mean?
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  If you're done with them, make sure that you're done with them.
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  Make sure you have a look, make sure that you create a safety
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  plan, a safety plan of actions. You see what I'm saying?
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  A safety plan. You have to protect your safety
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  first because if you tell them you're going to leave them, you
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  you'd never know. Some people could snap, some
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  people could lose their minds, some people could go ahead.
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  And if I can't have you, no one will type of mindset and send
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  you to meet your maker. Me.
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  Some of them can't send you to meet your maker.
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  And you just never know what people are going you.
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  You never know what people will do.
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  And one thing that I've learned since I've been doing this, one
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  thing I've learned since I've been talking to people and
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  coaching and whatnot, one thing I've learned is that I don't put
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  anything past anybody, right? I don't put anything past
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  anyone. No, don't tell them.
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  Listen to him and stay safe. Yeah, you sometimes you don't
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  want to tell them, y'all? Of course, you of course, if you
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  have kids, whatever, you're going to have to tell them that
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  you, if you after you get to safety, you're going to have to
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  set up, set up a plan with the kids, talk to an attorney if
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  possible, have a plan of action in place, because some of them
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  are going to try to make your life hard with the kids in
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  situations like that. And like y'all don't understand
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  how many times I've heard this right here, this right here just
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  be breaking my heart. So many people want to escape.
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  So many people want to get out. So many people have escaped and
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  so many people do get out, but then they get sucked back in or
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  they tell their partner they're leaving and they clap cheeks one
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  more time and guess what happens?
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  You end up with a baby on the way.
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  You end up pregnant or you end up getting them pregnant and
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  then they got you. If you don't have kids now they
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  got you. Now you have a choice.
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  Now you might have a choice to make it depending on where you
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  are and what location you're in. You know what I mean?
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  But that's the space that so many people fall into right
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  there, right? That's the dynamic it went out
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  that so many people fall into. You have to protect yourself
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  because telling them could mean you don't make it out.
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  Think about it right there. Should I tell them?
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  You know what I mean? Should I tell them I'm leaving?
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  Could mean that you don't make it out of the you don't make it
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  out of the house. You don't get a chance to pack
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  They throw you look, especially some of them will get angry and
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  throw you out before you have a chance to pack and get your
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  stuff get get rid of your stuff before you have a chance to make
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  a plan to get out. They just throw you out you hey,
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  I don't think we're going to I don't think this is working out
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  for us anymore. I think I want to leave and then
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  guess what happens you tell them you want to leave and then they
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  kick you out. Let's leave now.
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  No, don't get anything. I paid for that.
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  I bought all of this. Get out of here.
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  You can't. You came with nothing.
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  You leave her with nothing. Get the hell out.
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  Bye, bye, bye bye. That's the type of stuff that
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  they will do to you. You know what I mean?
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  This is the type of space and like the type of situation that
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  they will put you into. It really, really does.
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  So you have to protect yourself. Like I said, you have if you
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  have kids and whether or not you have kids, you also have to you
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  have to protect yourself. You know what I mean?
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  Get out, get the hell out of here.
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  You don't. They might not give you an
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  opportunity to leave. They might not give you an
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  opportunity to get out of there and whatnot.
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  And like April said, events, support groups, one on ones.
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  Yep. I got everything coming up,
• 5:07
  y'all, Everything. You can find everything about me
• 5:10
  at mentalillness.net, y'all, Mental illness.net.
• 5:14
  You can find everything about me, my coaching, my courses, my
• 5:18
  support group. Everything is available at
• 5:20
  mentalillness.net. But I'll also say this, well
• 5:24
  y'all, if y'all don't know, I have a workshop coming up this
• 5:26
  weekend and Dallas and Houston, TX.
• 5:29
  Dallas and Houston, TX will be in Dallas November the 2nd and
• 5:33
  Houston November the 3rd for our next in person live workshop.
• 5:36
  So you can register for that at mentalillness.net.
• 5:38
  Scroll to the bottom and y'all will find y'all will see that
• 5:41
  event this weekend. This weekend will be in Dallas
• 5:45
  and Houston, TX Saturday and Sunday workshops live and in
• 5:48
  person. There's still there's still some
• 5:50
  seating seating left come out. Check us out, y'all, but please
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  be safe, y'all, please be safe. Good luck in Texas.
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  Thank you so much. And it's why won't the why won't
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  the abuse or leave? Sometimes, like sometimes you
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  have to force them to leave. Y'all, I'm gonna just be real.
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  I'm gonna just be real. They sometimes you have to force
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  them to leave you alone. You have to force them because
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  they don't want to leave. They think if they they think if
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  by refusing to leave that they they will keep you there.
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  But you, you, you, you'll wear, they'll wear you down and you'll
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  just be like, OK, just stay. Since you're refusing to leave,
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  just go ahead and stay. No, kick their asses out.
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  But be careful. Y'all, just be safe.
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  I, I just, I really just want people to be safe.
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  That's really what I want because like any spaces right
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  here, any, any spaces in these dynamics, I just really just
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  want people to be safe. We normally meet every Sunday on
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  Zoom, but the last couple Sundays I've been like this
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  Sunday I'll be in Texas. Last Sunday I was sick.
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  So I think I'm doing one tomorrow.
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  I'll probably do 1:00 tomorrow afternoon for about an hour.
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  Just a a meet up workshop. I mean, not a workshop, but a
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  Zoom meeting, a support group, Zoom meeting.
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  Y'all can find my group, my support group.
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  I'll drop the link for that in the comment section as well so
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  y'all can check that out as well.
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  Yeah, because like if you're going to tell, like think about
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  this right here, y'all. If you're going like you don't
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  even like not only the should you think about telling them, if
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  you're going to leave, you have to think about telling.
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  With other people, you have to think about that as well.
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  That's something you have to take into consideration.
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  Like I'm not, not only should I think do you do you have to
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  consider telling your partner or ex or whoever it is that you're
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  leaving, You also have to think about who else you're going to
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  tell. Because telling the wrong person
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  could be just as bad as telling the narcissist or toxic person,
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  telling the abusive person, telling the wrong person, could
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  it be just as bad because they'll tell them, You see what
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  I'm saying? You might as well tell them
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  yourself. If you're going to share with
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  the wrong person, you share it with a flying monkey or somebody
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  that you think you can trust. And then you end up not being
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  able to trust them because this person is a lying, abusive
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  person. You see, you see what I'm
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  saying? They lie just to get to get on a
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  narcissist good side. That type of stuff happens as
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  well. You may sometimes you
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  absolutely, yes, you absolutely have to move in silence.
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  You mean darts would never want to leave a situation where they
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  are receiving supply. So most times I would most times
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  that's true right there. But a lot of times you get into
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  these spaces where if they think they can find a better source of
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  supply, they'll leave. You know what I'm saying?
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  If they think somebody, somebody will fit them better, they'll
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  they'll dip out. You mean no, because they enjoy
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  torturing with the element of surprise.
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  So you do the same way to them. So yeah, I would agree with
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  this. Like sometimes you have to
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  surprise them because again, they will tell, they will try to
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  talk you out of it. They will try to make you feel
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  guilty about leaving. It would not.
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  They'll make they'll try to make you feel bad about choosing
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  yourself about deciding to leave and things like that.
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  They will absolutely make you feel bad about that type of
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  stuff. Y'all.
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  So these are things that you have to take into consideration
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  when you're trying to heal, when you're trying to move forward,
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  when you're trying to get away from this person and whatnot,
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  right? This type of stuff you have to
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  take into consideration what is a flying monkey?
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  A flying monkey is a blind supporter of the narcissist.
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  Fly monkeys are people that support the narcissist no matter
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  what they do, no matter what they hear, no matter what they
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  sing, no matter what evidence of the contrary that is presented
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  towards them. Fly monkeys, absolutely or can
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  sometimes. Fly monkeys sometimes.
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  Don't know, but sometimes. Fly monkeys are absolutely
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  horrible people. Fly monkeys are absolutely
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  horrible people and whatnot. Yes, the neighbors are the
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  narcissist. Turn off the GPS on phones and
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  watches. They have access there you go.
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  So this is this could be part of your escape plan right here.
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  Thank you for sharing this, Cherie.
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  Because if you're not going to tell them that you're leaving
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  right, you know, and you feel like your, your your life is in
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  danger or you're not going to be safe if you leave if they know
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  where you are yes, exactly do this type of stuff right here.
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  Turn off the GPS on the phones and watches get a burner phone.
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  But like also, like I said, talk to an attorney first, y'all,
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  because sometimes you don't want to just dip out with the kids
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  and disappear because they can get you.
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  Sometimes they can get you for parental alienation and you can
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  end up losing your kids, right? You can end up losing your kids
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  to them. And you don't want that to
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  happen. So make sure you talk to an
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  attorney first to weigh your options, if that's a
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  possibility, before you decide to take that action.
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  Of course, you you want to lose your life, dip out.
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  Of course. You know what I mean.
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  When he noticed I was moving out, he cried and begged.
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  He promised he'd start therapy if I.
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  He thought he promised to start therapy if I wanted.
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  If I want. Yeah, If you want it.
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  Yeah. He would start therapy if you
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  wanted him. That means he doesn't want to do
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  that. He doesn't want to start therapy
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  out. He doesn't want to.
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  He's making me feel bad for walking away.
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  He doesn't. He still doesn't acknowledge
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  what he's done. Emotional abuse got too much.
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  I got sick. He's making.
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  Yeah, that's what they do. That's what I'm saying.
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  Before you think about telling them, make sure, make sure you
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  get ready to go on a guilt trip. You going to abandon?
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  You going to abandon me like this?
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  You really going to abandon me like this?
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  As hard as I work to be with you, it's hard of my work to do
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  this, do that. You going to abandon me?
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  Wow, wow, wow. See, they've tried to put it on
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  to you right there. You know what I mean?
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  Really be. You have to be safe and protect
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  yourself. Listen to the video.
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  Save me and watch them Turkey. Be safe.
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  Take care of yourself. You mean so much future faking
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  could happen. Yes, absolutely.
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  If you tell them that you're going to leave, they can start
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  lying to you and making promises of change.
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  Making promises that the future will be different.
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  I'm going to be. If you stay with me, I promise
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  you things will be different. I promise you.
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  Things will be different. I promise you things are going
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  to be different from here on. I promise you I'm going to stop
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  cheating. I know I had three kids outside
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  of the relationship. I know I'd have had three and I
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  got one on the way. I promise it's going to stop
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  right now because I only want you I only want you yes grand
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  gestures absolutely right, April grand gestures.
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  They will absolutely start doing this.
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  A lot of them will absolutely start doing grand gestures.
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  Some of them might propose to you or ask you to marry them on
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  the way out the door. You see what I'm saying they
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  will propose to you or they they haven't gave you a ring before
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  now they want to propose to you. Now they want to change now they
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  want to do the grand gestures will come.
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  Just know just y'all just know this, if you're on the way out
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  the door, if you're going, if you're telling them that you're
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  going to leave and all of a sudden now they want to propose
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  to you. You've been like y'all been
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  together for 15 years now they want to propose to you.
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  You see what I'm saying? I just, I just thought this
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  would be the time. There's no, there's no time like
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  the present, right? There's no time like the
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  present. I just had.
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  I did a one-on-one with a lady the other day said that happened
• 12:32
  to her. She told her she told her
• 12:33
  narcissistic boyfriend that she was getting ready to leave.
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  She was like, look, I'm done. The relationship has ran this
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  course. I'm out of here.
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  You know what happened? Will you marry me the next day?
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  Look, he you can tell he just bought out.
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  He he just went out and bought the ring.
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  She's like, well, I don't know. But he still, he had the receipt
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  with him. He just he was hiding the
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  receipt because he didn't want me to see how much I spent on
• 12:56
  it. Like that mean he just went out
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  and bought it because he thought that would be the only way to
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  keep you. Not changing his behaviors, not
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  changing his actions, not apologizing, just proposing.
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  And some people it doesn't work on some people.
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  Yeah, it works because you want to be you.
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  Some people want to be married, but yes, yes, a million times
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  yes, This is all I ever wanted. That's how they get you.
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  You have to protect yourself in these situations right here.
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  Y'all like seriously, they get you.
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  They will absolutely get you. Hubic Zirconia.
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  I I had a lady the other day, April told me her her
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  narcissistic. I think he they got engaged and
• 13:35
  she took it. He I think he started cheating
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  or whatever and she took the rain to get it appraised.
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  It was it was fake, end up being fake.
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  He said no way that's fake. I got it from a jeweler.
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  But they're like Nah, Nah bro it's fake.
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  It's fake. Marriage doesn't change anything
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  for them. It changed the only thing I feel
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  like marriage changes with narcissistic people, especially
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  if they give you a ring just to keep you or they or y'all get
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  married. Just y'all go down to the
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  courthouse to get married just so y'all keep y'all stay
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  together. Marriage only changes the
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  ownership dynamic. Now they think you belong to
• 14:08
  them. You see what I'm saying?
• 14:09
  Now they think you belong to them.
• 14:12
  What's the safest way to move the rest of your stuff when he's
• 14:14
  at the house intoxicated? So now you might have to get a
• 14:16
  police escort or get get a police escort.
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  Ask the police. Can they help you get the rest
• 14:21
  of your stuff or can get get the police possibly.
• 14:24
  And then see if you have a some friends and family that can help
• 14:26
  you move or mover in company. They can come in and help get
• 14:29
  this stuff and they have the police there because like
• 14:32
  sometimes I'm just telling you, they'll make it very difficult.
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  You mean he already locked me out and I had a plan to get back
• 14:37
  in. I was taking a shower when he
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  came home to find Yep, there you go.
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  I'm telling you, if you let them know, if they, if you let them
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  know or they find out you're going to leave, they'll they'll
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  go ahead and try to accelerate the process to make you seem
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  like this is how hard life going to be.
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  Get out. I don't care if you need to take
• 14:50
  a shower. I don't care about none of that.
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  And then they get you. Yes, yes, yes.
• 14:54
  Thanks for the reminder. April, Dallas and Houston, TX
• 14:57
  this weekend for our next live in person event.
• 15:00
  November 2nd and November 3rd Dallas, TX and in Houston, TX
• 15:04
  Y'all live in person Healing from Narcissistic Abuse
• 15:07
  workshops. Y'all can register for that with
• 15:10
  the link on the screen. The link will be on the screen
• 15:12
  right now. Y'all in the Dallas or Houston,
• 15:14
  TX area this weekend? Come check us out.
• 15:17
  Mental illness.net/events come check us out.
• 15:19
  We'll be out be out there live and absolutely in person to get
• 15:23
  your questions answered and all that other good stuff.
• 15:26
  I messaged him I deserve better and moving on.
• 15:28
  He nonchalantly replied good luck but then came back 4
• 15:32
  leagues late what 4 weeks later line he was moving out the
• 15:34
  country. Debate me to fake close up.
• 15:36
  Hey just so you know I'm going to Timbuktu.
• 15:42
  This will be the last time you see me and then you go talk to
• 15:45
  him and then all of a sudden he's not going to Timbuktu.
• 15:48
  It was a lie. It shows you he's it shows you
• 15:50
  it shows you he's still lying. You know what I'm saying?
• 15:53
  They showed you that he's still lying.
• 15:54
  Is walking away better than telling them?
• 15:56
  Sometimes walking away allows you to protect yourself and be
• 16:00
  safe. And it also sends the message
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  that you're done. Like I said, sometimes you don't
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  want to. Sometimes telling them can be
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  dangerous, Y'all? That's what I'm just saying.
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  Sometimes telling them to their face can be very dangerous.
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  You don't owe them. Who said that?
• 16:11
  You don't owe them, Apollo. You owe.
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  You don't owe them an explanation.
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  No, you don't. They know they their behaviors
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  have led up to this, you know, But they'll tell you today.
• 16:20
  I had no idea you were unhappy. I know every day I walked in the
• 16:24
  house last week, you were crying.
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  But I didn't know you were unhappy.
• 16:26
  I thought, I thought those were happy tears.
• 16:28
  Every single day. I thought you were crying happy
• 16:31
  tears because I was coming home every day after just crying to
• 16:33
  see me. Those were happy, Babe.
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  I thought you were so happy with me, blah, blah, blah.
• 16:40
  You know, he's made me feel bad. He's tried everything to get a
• 16:45
  response. Yeah, some of them will try to
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  make you feel guilty about not wanting to be with him anymore.
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  They absolutely will. They'll make you feel bad.
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  They're trying to make you feel guilty.
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  They're trying to make it seem like you are the worst person on
• 16:55
  the planet for leaving them alone like you.
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  You just get like you. You gave up too easy.
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  I can't believe you decided to give up.
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  I can't believe it. You gave.
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  So I I have not overcome my narcissism now.
• 17:17
  I still have a personality disorder.
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  I just, I just been in therapy the last seven years.
• 17:22
  That's what I've done for 9 weeks and he's still going
• 17:24
  strong. Yeah.
• 17:24
  He would try to wear you down. He think, he thinks.
• 17:27
  He thinks consistency without change behaviors, consistent
• 17:30
  consistently planning the victim is to get you.
• 17:35
  You see what I'm saying? Consistency planning the victim
• 17:38
  think that they're going to wear you down.
• 17:39
  Like, look, I'm consistently around Artner.
• 17:41
  You always wanted, you said you wanted, you always said you
• 17:43
  wanted me to be more consistent. And now I am.
• 17:46
  And you don't give a damn. I'm being more consistent and
• 17:50
  you don't give a damn. Always the victim years ago,
• 17:55
  always the victim. You know what I'm saying?
• 17:58
  Always the victim. You not going to fight for us.
• 18:03
  You not going to fight for us. So I actually just recorded a
• 18:06
  video today, Joseph. I don't know.
• 18:09
  It's a it's a, it's a, it's a YouTube video.
• 18:11
  It'll be it, it'll be up probably later this week.
• 18:14
  Because he said, how do you get a cheaty woman to admit it when
• 18:16
  you have plenty of proof and they say it's not real.
• 18:18
  You like, you don't need a confession, you don't need you,
• 18:21
  you don't need a confession from them.
• 18:23
  Y'all like if you have proof, just act on it.
• 18:26
  If you have proof, act on it, take it and act on it, because I
• 18:29
  would never admit to it. Like literally the video I told
• 18:32
  today I I recorded today, it said the Narcissus would ever
• 18:35
  admit to being wrong or admit the truth.
• 18:37
  And most times it's going to be no because it doesn't benefit
• 18:40
  them. It gives you the them admitting
• 18:41
  to it gives you the power right there, right.
• 18:43
  It gives you all the power, and they don't want to give you the
• 18:45
  power. Yeah, don't respond.
• 18:47
  Keep blocking. Sometimes.
• 18:48
  Yeah, Yeah, sometimes. I know you might not want to do
• 18:50
  this, but sometimes you might have to call.
• 18:51
  You might have to get the boys involved.
• 18:52
  You might have called them boys. Bad boys.
• 18:55
  Bad boys. What you gonna do?
• 18:57
  What you gonna do when they come for you?
• 19:01
  Yeah. Even proof is denied.
• 19:04
  Yeah, they're gonna deny everything, y'all.
• 19:05
  But I said once you have, if you have your evidence, if you have
• 19:08
  your proof, just take it and act on it.
• 19:11
  Whatever taking and act on it. Acting on it looks like for you
• 19:15
  take it and act on it because they're not going to do it.
• 19:17
  Yeah, it doesn't benefit them. You know what I'm saying?
• 19:21
  It really doesn't benefit them in any way, shape or form to do
• 19:24
  that type of stuff right there. It really doesn't.
• 19:28
  So be safe. Anyway, y'all, I need to hop off
• 19:30
  this thing I have to get ready for.
• 19:33
  I'm getting ready for Texas. So again, last time y'all got
• 19:36
  the last time. I'm going to say this.
• 19:38
  We'll be in Dallas in Houston, TX this weekend for our next
• 19:42
  live in person event. Next live in person event will
• 19:47
  be in Dallas in Houston, TX this weekend.
• 19:51
  The Hailing from Narcissistic Abuse Workshop in person will be
• 19:55
  live in Dallas in Houston, TX this weekend.
• 20:00
  You can register for that event. Mental illness.net/events Myself
• 20:06
  and Miss NIA Renee, we bring in the heat less than 2 1/2 days to
• 20:10
  register. Register for Dallas on 11/2.
• 20:13
  Houston on 11/3 will be live in person.
• 20:16
  Get your questions answered. Come get that that healing, that
• 20:19
  healing juice and whatnot. Thank y'all for tuning into this
• 20:23
  live. I appreciate every single one of
• 20:25
  y'all. Be safe, take care of
• 20:26
  yourselves, and take care of each other as well.
• 20:29
  And as always y'all, as always, mental illness is out.
• 20:32
  Peace.