Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / When Parenting Goes Wrong (and Still Turns Out Right)

Transcript

When Parenting Goes Wrong (and Still Turns Out Right) · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:05
Speaker 1: Hello, this is the Happy Families podcasts and November fourteen,
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Speaker 1: inching closer to the end of Term four, inching close
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Speaker 1: to the end of year twelve exams for those of
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Speaker 1: you who've got big kids that are just about ready
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Speaker 1: to finish school forever, and we're inching closer to another
0:22
Speaker 1: at the end of another week. Every Friday and the
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Speaker 1: Happy Families podcast we give you insight into the lives
0:27
Speaker 1: of the Coulson family, what we're doing right, what we're
0:29
Speaker 1: doing wrong, what we're celebrating, and what we are commiserating about.
0:32
Speaker 1: And in today's episode of the pod, find out how
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Speaker 1: I got it right but wrong at the same time,
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Speaker 1: probably more wrong than right. I'm giving myself more credit
0:41
Speaker 1: than I deserve, because sometimes raising teenagers can be exhausting,
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Speaker 1: and you think you know everything, but they think they
0:46
Speaker 1: know everything and it all blows up. I'm going to
0:48
Speaker 1: tell you how I blew up, where I was wrong,
0:51
Speaker 1: and how it ended up being all right. Plus missus
0:54
Speaker 1: Happy Families with a story about delegating responsibility because sometimes
0:59
Speaker 1: enough is enough and it can actually work out well.
1:03
Speaker 1: Thanks for joining us. That and a whole lot more
1:06
Speaker 1: coming up right after this. Hello and welcome to the
1:11
Speaker 1: Happy Families podcast Real Parenting Solutions every single day. This
1:15
Speaker 1: is Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. And we are Justin
1:18
Speaker 1: and Kylie call some parents of six kids. I'm the
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Speaker 1: author of a bunch of books about raising happy families.
1:23
Speaker 1: And Kylie. We have some housekeeping, as we always do
1:27
Speaker 1: every time we kick off our Friday plot. It's kind
1:29
Speaker 1: of like our news day. I really enjoy it. I
1:31
Speaker 1: get to we get to be a bit vulnerable about
1:33
Speaker 1: our lives. I was surprised that you've been busy in
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Speaker 1: our living room doing things that I think it's way
1:40
Speaker 1: too early in the year to be doing.
1:42
Speaker 2: Are you a grinch?
1:44
Speaker 1: Well, I'm not a grinch. I just don't It's mid November.
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Speaker 1: It's too early to be a grinch or to be
1:50
Speaker 1: putting up a Christmas tree. Really, yes, I mean it
1:53
Speaker 1: looks amazing.
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Speaker 2: I just had a conversation with Miss eleven, who said
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Speaker 2: it's really sad that Christmas is only one day, right,
2:00
Speaker 2: And I said, that's why we put it up so early,
2:02
Speaker 2: so we get to enjoy the spirit of Christmas with
2:04
Speaker 2: so much longer. I can't believe you're winging about.
2:07
Speaker 1: This Christmas tree is up. It looks great, it's official.
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Speaker 1: I love it. I mean, I do love it, but
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Speaker 1: it just feels like a lot. Miss.
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Speaker 2: I did something a little bit crazy this year. I
2:16
Speaker 2: added pink to the tree.
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Speaker 1: Pink, yeah, pink and red and green and everything else.
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Speaker 2: I'm pretty traditional. I stick with my red and white.
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Speaker 2: I like it, but this year I decided to add
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Speaker 2: a little bit of flair.
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Speaker 1: Actually I love it. Do you know how many days
2:29
Speaker 1: to Christmas? Just so that I can maintain my grinch
2:31
Speaker 1: for a moment longer.
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Speaker 2: Well, not that I'm counting, but forty one.
2:36
Speaker 1: That's too many days, Like, I'm sorry, too many days.
2:40
Speaker 1: But that's great. So that's how are you prepared? That's
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Speaker 1: our first bit of your presence. The tradition is in
2:46
Speaker 1: this house that I say, we're not doing Christmas this year.
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Speaker 1: We need to buckle our belts, we need to tighten
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Speaker 1: our belts whatever it is, and stop spending money. And
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Speaker 1: then on Christmas Eve I have a massive panic attack
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Speaker 1: and go and join the throngs in the shopping center
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Speaker 1: and spend far too much money, spoil everybody. So I
3:00
Speaker 1: plan on doing that again this year. Right now, I'm
3:02
Speaker 1: not buying anything for anyone and I'm not planning on
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Speaker 1: shopping on Christmas Eve, but I'm pretty sure that's what
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Speaker 1: I'm going to end up doing. Again.
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Speaker 2: Well, you might've got cranky at me the other day
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Speaker 2: because I took a line of our children's shopping because
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Speaker 2: they're at the point now where it's not even worth
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Speaker 2: trying to surprise them with anything.
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Speaker 1: Hang on, background here, background. You had a conversation with
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Speaker 1: me a couple of weeks ago and said, what do
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Speaker 1: you think we should set as a budget for the
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Speaker 1: kids for Christmas, just so we don't overspent, because lately
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Speaker 1: the last couple of Christmas is we have spent too much.
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Speaker 1: And I made a suggestion about a number, and you
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Speaker 1: mocked me and laughed and said, we can't possibly do
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Speaker 1: Christmas that cheaply. So the other day we stopped in
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Speaker 1: at DFO in Brisbane on the way back from being
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Speaker 1: out of town and you bought some stuff for that child.
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Speaker 1: And I'm finishing your story for you because the amount
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Speaker 1: that I suggested you quadrupled it.
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Speaker 2: Well, I came up with a plan and.
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Speaker 1: I said, well, now you've just set the bar for
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Speaker 1: all five of our other children as well as our
4:02
Speaker 1: son in law and who knows who else, and I
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Speaker 1: don't think we can afford Christmas this year.
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Speaker 2: Well, I've just worked out if I give her a
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Speaker 2: few of them now, then she'll be in the budget.
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Speaker 1: So no, no, no delay gratification. She can wait till April
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Speaker 1: till she has her birthday. Yeah. Yeah, you're not doing
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Speaker 1: it to her now.
4:17
Speaker 2: Wow, you really are a grunt.
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Speaker 1: Okay, other housekeeping, May I move on, of course? Okay,
4:22
Speaker 1: last Monday, so we're going back like twelve days. I
4:24
Speaker 1: know it's the way back, but we just sometimes we
4:27
Speaker 1: can't squeeze everything into the pod when we want to.
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Speaker 1: Last Monday, we did a podcast episode. Well we talked
4:34
Speaker 1: about getting kids to go to sleep when every night
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Speaker 1: is a meltdown and you're having those explosive evenings. And
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Speaker 1: I thought we did a really good job on that pod.
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Speaker 1: But we got this voice message from the Happy Families
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Speaker 1: website happyfamilies dot com dot you. Sharon from Newcastle jumped
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Speaker 1: on and I think that she should actually be hosting
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Speaker 1: her own podcast because this was brilliant. Here's what she said.
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Speaker 3: Hi, I'm Sharon and I'm from Newcastle, New South Wales.
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Speaker 3: I was just listening to your podcast on when every
5:04
Speaker 3: night is a melkdown. I just wanted to let you
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Speaker 3: know a couple of things about my family. I've actually
5:12
Speaker 3: always put my kids to bed, and I was inspired
5:14
Speaker 3: by two people. My best friend at high school her
5:17
Speaker 3: dad would talk to her before bed every night when
5:20
Speaker 3: she was a teenager, and another friend she'd put her
5:25
Speaker 3: son to bed and she'd say something like, oh, the
5:27
Speaker 3: light's too bright, and when she turned the light off,
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Speaker 3: her teenage son would start divulging his feelings and talking
5:34
Speaker 3: a bit more. My kids are currently eleven and thirteen,
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Speaker 3: and they have half an hour with me each night.
5:40
Speaker 3: I was a single mum, but they know every night
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Speaker 3: they are with me that half an hour of time
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Speaker 3: is theirs. For my daughter, that's evolved from like playing
5:50
Speaker 3: card games or doing talking teddies. Sometimes we do role
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Speaker 3: swap where I'm her and she's me, which is always hilarious,
5:58
Speaker 3: or we just ask each other question. For my thirteen
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Speaker 3: year old son, that has been things like reading together
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Speaker 3: to now playing the word at bedtime, talking and cuddling titties.
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Speaker 3: I'll also add, as a single mama, bedshare with my
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Speaker 3: eleven year old daughter because I cannot afford to rent
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Speaker 3: anywhere else and yes, sometimes we still have those nights.
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Speaker 3: My daughter just wants more time with me, so she
6:22
Speaker 3: comes out to me in the lounge room where I'm
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Speaker 3: having time by myself. These notes. I think it's going
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Speaker 3: to be like this forever, and I genuinely really feel
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Speaker 3: upset and angry, like it's going to go on for ages.
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Speaker 3: But when they were little, I used to think, well,
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Speaker 3: they've only been on the planet for eight years or
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Speaker 3: five years or whatever it was, so maybe they're just
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Speaker 3: not ready for something, or maybe they need more connection
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Speaker 3: or something right at this moment in time. And now
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Speaker 3: it's no different.
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Speaker 1: How awesome is that?
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Speaker 2: It's pretty awesome?
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Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, So thank you very much Sharon
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Speaker 1: for sending that through. I just wanted to play it
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Speaker 1: because it underscores the stuff that we're talking about. Relationships matter.
7:00
Speaker 1: It's all about relationships.
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Speaker 2: What I love about what she shared was again for her.
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Speaker 2: She's a single mum. There's no one else backing her up,
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Speaker 2: and yet she's made this a priority. She's been so
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Speaker 2: intentional about how she chooses to spend time with her children,
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Speaker 2: and sometimes, like most parents, at the expense of her
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Speaker 2: own time.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, make the investment. It's worth it and the kids
7:23
Speaker 1: need it, all right, Kylie before the break you're older,
7:27
Speaker 1: but it tomorrow. It's fairly quick. One from you today,
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Speaker 1: So let's hear what's going on, what's working, what are
7:32
Speaker 1: you excited about? Because you'd had enough.
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Speaker 2: A couple of weeks ago, we talked about the fact
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Speaker 2: that we decided that we were going to outsource our
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Speaker 2: cooking to the kids. We still have five children at home.
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Speaker 2: So literally, if all of those kids, five of them
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Speaker 2: cook one meal, that means you can cook a meal,
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Speaker 2: and I can cook a meal. That's one meal a week.
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Speaker 1: Seven people in the house. Everyone does I mean, even
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Speaker 1: our eleven year old can get on board with this, right,
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Speaker 1: But we've got four kids older than fifteen. We got
8:00
Speaker 1: three eighteen and above. Yeah, three adults, so pull your
8:04
Speaker 1: weight kids. Basically, the conversation we had politely.
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Speaker 2: I'd like to say the first week went brilliantly. It didn't.
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Speaker 2: It was absolute shamuzzle for me. I needed structure, and
8:13
Speaker 2: so I just said, all right, let's start youngest to oldest.
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Speaker 2: So Emily did the first meal that night, and she
8:19
Speaker 2: cooked what she would consider the best bolonnaise she's ever like,
8:23
Speaker 2: ever tasted, not cooked ever tasted. She had three helpings. Yeah,
8:27
Speaker 2: this is a kid who doesn't often eat dinner at nighttime.
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Speaker 2: She loved it, But the rest of the week kind
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Speaker 2: of just was.
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Speaker 1: Kids with crazy routines and weird schedules.
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Speaker 2: And the oldest said she couldn't do the Friday, and
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Speaker 2: it just all kind of you know, we ended up
8:44
Speaker 2: having a muck in again and I was getting it
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Speaker 2: a little bit frustrated, so we tried it again. We
8:48
Speaker 2: rearranged things. The oldest now cooks on a Monday, not Friday.
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Speaker 1: And week two was great, right, Well.
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Speaker 2: No, it still was a bit messy because the oldest
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Speaker 2: wanted my input in that she wanted me to make
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Speaker 2: the decision about what we were cooking. She wanted me
9:03
Speaker 2: to make sure everything was there for her, she wanted
9:05
Speaker 2: me to tell her how to do it. And yes,
9:07
Speaker 2: she needed a little bit of handholding because she wanted
9:10
Speaker 2: to try something new. But the whole reason I wanted
9:14
Speaker 2: this was because I'm tired of having to make the
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Speaker 2: decision about food.
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Speaker 1: That's fast, I don't know what's for dinner. I'm tired
9:22
Speaker 1: of deciding what's for dinner someone else decided.
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Speaker 2: So I got a little bit frustrated with her, and
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Speaker 2: it didn't end well very well.
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Speaker 1: Well, the meal was good whatever happened. I mean, the
9:30
Speaker 1: meal was good. I missed all the background stuff.
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Speaker 2: But week three, Week three has been delightful. And why
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Speaker 2: it's been delightful again, it's still being messy. One child
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Speaker 2: who was supposed to cook on their night didn't come
9:43
Speaker 2: home in time to cook dinner. I got a phone
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Speaker 2: call from another child and said, who's on dinner tonight, mum?
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Speaker 2: And I said it's your sister and she said, yeah,
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Speaker 2: she's not here. I said, no, she's not going to
9:53
Speaker 2: make it home. Would you like me to do it?
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Speaker 2: She stepped up. She just said, I wasn't able to
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Speaker 2: do my meal last night, so I'm really happy to
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Speaker 2: do that one And a few times through the week
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Speaker 2: that's happened and somebody has stepped up. They're now so
10:07
Speaker 2: much more aware of the fact that dinner needs to
10:09
Speaker 2: be done and somebody is in charge of it, not me,
10:12
Speaker 2: And when they realize that person's not there, they're actually
10:14
Speaker 2: stepping up. And I'm loving it. And what has blown
10:17
Speaker 2: me away? One of our children, she was very creative
10:21
Speaker 2: in the kitchen. You were very nervous about eating her food.
10:25
Speaker 2: Actually didn't want to come into the kitchen.
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Speaker 1: I mean you're saying creative, I'm saying disorganized and doesn't
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Speaker 1: follow the recipe and is literally just throwing ingredients in
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Speaker 1: and making it up.
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Speaker 2: This is the kid who you give her a boxed
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Speaker 2: cake mix and she looks at it.
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Speaker 1: And goes, that looks too boring. Let's yeah, let's add
10:43
Speaker 1: this and this. But she has no base or foundational
10:48
Speaker 1: knowledge on which she is leveraging those decisions. She's just like,
10:53
Speaker 1: I think we should put carrot or pumpkin or chimrick,
10:57
Speaker 1: or like, she just chucks stuff in because this looks
10:59
Speaker 1: in interesting.
11:00
Speaker 2: I had to coax you into the kitchen.
11:02
Speaker 1: Tea.
11:02
Speaker 2: Yeah, but it was delicious. She did such a good job.
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Speaker 1: I think that. I mean, I hope that she's not
11:10
Speaker 1: listening right now. I would call it delicious compared to
11:12
Speaker 1: what I thought it was going to be. I wouldn't
11:14
Speaker 1: call it objectively delicious. I think she did a great job.
11:18
Speaker 1: She did.
11:19
Speaker 2: We had another mishap. We ran out of paprika, and
11:22
Speaker 2: so the girls decided to improvise curry powder.
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Speaker 1: But you know what, this is the thing they haven't
11:30
Speaker 1: really had to do it you're such a good cook
11:32
Speaker 1: and you've always cooked. And even the kids that have
11:35
Speaker 1: moved out of home, they didn't do a lot of
11:37
Speaker 1: cooking when they moved out of home. Now they come
11:38
Speaker 1: back and they're sort of saying, we don't really have
11:40
Speaker 1: the skills, and now that they're cooking every week, they're
11:44
Speaker 1: developing the skills. They're actually saying, I'll make the decision,
11:46
Speaker 1: but mum, will you come in and work with me
11:49
Speaker 1: on this because I want to learn how to get
11:50
Speaker 1: it right. And we're seeing we're seeing improvements in the
11:53
Speaker 1: scheduling and in the routine and the structure, but also
11:56
Speaker 1: in the quality of the food that we're eating bit
11:58
Speaker 1: by bitest thing for me is that we're going back
12:01
Speaker 1: to eating the same foods that we've been eating for
12:03
Speaker 1: the last twenty five years, because it's the stuff that
12:05
Speaker 1: they love, the spaghetti bonnais and lasagna and the chicken
12:08
Speaker 1: broccoli and the casserole.
12:09
Speaker 2: But they're also recognizing they're going to leave home in
12:12
Speaker 2: the next couple of times and they need to be
12:15
Speaker 2: able to work things into their budget.
12:16
Speaker 1: So what's to take home message?
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Speaker 2: Get creative, Recognize that when you try new things, it's
12:23
Speaker 2: going to be messy. It's not going to work all
12:25
Speaker 2: at once, but it doesn't mean that the system's broke.
12:29
Speaker 2: You just actually need to massage it, work with it,
12:32
Speaker 2: be patient, and the fruits will come.
12:36
Speaker 1: Okay after the break, I got it wrong, but I
12:38
Speaker 1: got it right. I'm pretty sure I got it right
12:40
Speaker 1: more than I got it wrong. It ended up all
12:42
Speaker 1: right even though I didn't get it right. Maybe more
12:45
Speaker 1: to come, stay with us. This is the Happy Families podcast.
12:55
Speaker 1: Welcome back. This past couple of weeks, one of the kids,
13:00
Speaker 1: I'm just going to say, our fifteen year old, and
13:01
Speaker 1: she listens to the podcast. I've caught her listening to
13:04
Speaker 1: the pod. She wants to hear what we're talking about.
13:06
Speaker 1: She's listening right now, no doubt, But a couple of
13:11
Speaker 1: weeks ago, she just was just attitude, big, horrible, mean,
13:16
Speaker 1: nasty attitude, really hard to get along with.
13:19
Speaker 2: That doesn't sound like any fifteen year old I.
13:21
Speaker 1: Know treating her sisters badly, Like it was just really
13:24
Speaker 1: really really hard and I had enough, like I was
13:27
Speaker 1: just a jack of it. And so I went looking
13:31
Speaker 1: for her so that I could tell her that I'd
13:32
Speaker 1: had enough, and also to tell her to hurry up
13:34
Speaker 1: and ge rif school because she was going to be late.
13:36
Speaker 1: I walked past her bedroom, calling her name. There was
13:38
Speaker 1: no answer. I walked down the hallway calling her name,
13:41
Speaker 1: there's no answer. I checked the bathroom. I called her
13:43
Speaker 1: name again, called her four or five times. And then
13:45
Speaker 1: as I walked back down the hallway and could see
13:47
Speaker 1: directly into her room, she was sitting there the whole time.
13:51
Speaker 1: And I walked in the room. I'm like, I've just
13:52
Speaker 1: called you five times and you've ignored me. She does that, right,
13:55
Speaker 1: You call her name, she just doesn't answer, and it's
13:57
Speaker 1: so rude, so disrespectful. And then I started to proceed
13:59
Speaker 1: to tell her how rude and disrespectful she was, and
14:02
Speaker 1: then she gave me some attitude. And it's like this
14:04
Speaker 1: vicious cycle. You say something and they say something, and
14:07
Speaker 1: fifteen year olds, they're never humble about this. They're never
14:11
Speaker 1: you know what, Dad, you're right, thanks for pointing out
14:12
Speaker 1: my inadequacies, and I'll try to do better. They never
14:14
Speaker 1: say that. They're just angry. And I stormed out of
14:18
Speaker 1: the room. I like fair income, Like just own it right,
14:22
Speaker 1: use your ore, your ownership, your accountability, and your responsibility.
14:25
Speaker 1: Get out of bed. Stop being in blame, excuse, and denial.
14:27
Speaker 1: So I gave her my favorite like she she pushed
14:29
Speaker 1: the right button and off I went stormed out of
14:31
Speaker 1: the room, and I don't know she managed to get
14:34
Speaker 1: herself to school, and that afternoon she came home and
14:39
Speaker 1: she must have been stewing it an all day, because
14:41
Speaker 1: she walked into the office and she said, can I
14:44
Speaker 1: talk to you about this morning, please?
14:46
Speaker 3: Dad?
14:47
Speaker 1: And I said sure, And then she just owned it.
14:49
Speaker 1: She took full responsibility for everything she'd done wrong. She
14:52
Speaker 1: also pointed out that my perception of what was occurring
14:57
Speaker 1: and the reality of what was occurring were not perfectly aligned.
15:03
Speaker 1: But she did it quite respectfully. She did it carefully.
15:05
Speaker 1: And when she'd finished, I looked at her and smiled,
15:07
Speaker 1: and I said, You've put a lot of work into
15:10
Speaker 1: that little speech, haven't you, Just because she'd been thinking
15:13
Speaker 1: about her all day, it was obvious in the way
15:15
Speaker 1: that she was articulating and expressing herself and saying, here's
15:19
Speaker 1: what happened, and here's what you did, and here's how
15:21
Speaker 1: I felt, and here's how you were feeling. Like she'd
15:23
Speaker 1: really done the work to make sure that she could
15:25
Speaker 1: communicate it well. I got it. Wrong. My perception in
15:29
Speaker 1: that moment was wrong, and I had to apologize to
15:32
Speaker 1: her for that. Then we ended up in this vicious
15:35
Speaker 1: cycle together where we antagonized one another and we both
15:40
Speaker 1: got it wrong, and she took responsibility for it. It
15:43
Speaker 1: was amazing to see her get it. I was wonderful.
15:47
Speaker 1: And then she made a commitment that we would work
15:50
Speaker 1: harder on it that night and subsequently, and she has
15:53
Speaker 1: and we have, and it's been That's the win that
15:55
Speaker 1: came out of the loss. And the take home message
15:58
Speaker 1: is you don't know everything as a parent. You think
16:00
Speaker 1: you do, but you're so often so off the mark,
16:05
Speaker 1: flying off the hand, or doesn't always work. In fact,
16:07
Speaker 1: usually it doesn't work. But if you're really lucky, you'll
16:11
Speaker 1: have amazing kids who will recognize that the relationship really matters.
16:17
Speaker 1: They'll put in the time and the effort, they'll own
16:19
Speaker 1: their stuff, and they'll work with you on better solutions
16:22
Speaker 1: and finding ways out of the problems you're having.
16:25
Speaker 2: Recently, we were recorded for another podcast and we were
16:28
Speaker 2: talking specifically about ruptures and relationships.
16:31
Speaker 1: Yeah. It was a marriage therapy podcast. Yeah, I mean
16:34
Speaker 1: we weren't being therapeutically, no, we were sharing. Yeah, Okay,
16:38
Speaker 1: carry on, and.
16:40
Speaker 2: The host he called you out on something when you
16:44
Speaker 2: talked about the fact that you really, you know, kind
16:46
Speaker 2: of are unhappy when there's ruptures in the relationship, and
16:50
Speaker 2: he talked about how priceless those experiences were because as
16:55
Speaker 2: you had shared those really difficult ruptures that had taken
16:57
Speaker 2: place in different relationships within our family over at different times,
17:02
Speaker 2: there was this opportunity to reconnect and to repair and
17:06
Speaker 2: to heal. And those experiences are actually the ones that
17:11
Speaker 2: bind us together. They're the ones that connect us deeply
17:17
Speaker 2: because we recognize our imperfections and we're able to take responsibility,
17:22
Speaker 2: acknowledge them, ask for forgiveness, and move forward.
17:25
Speaker 1: And you get to demonstrate the love that you have
17:27
Speaker 1: for that person, because if you didn't love them, you
17:29
Speaker 1: wouldn't be trying to repair. You don't make those kind
17:32
Speaker 1: of repairs attitude.
17:33
Speaker 2: Your love's bigger than whatever that problem was.
17:35
Speaker 1: Yeah, nice wrap up Onny. That's great. Hey, We really
17:37
Speaker 1: hope that you've got something out of this podcast today.
17:39
Speaker 1: Thanks so much for listening. The Happy Famili's podcast is
17:41
Speaker 1: produced by Justin Rulan from Bridge Mediamhammon's provides research. Adamin
17:45
Speaker 1: and a whole lot of other support. For more info
17:47
Speaker 1: about making your family happier, visit us at happy families
17:49
Speaker 1: dot com, dot you and have a great weekend. Talk
17:52
Speaker 1: to you under