Latest / Silver FM 100.6 / How to have better conversations

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How to have better conversations · Silver FM 100.6

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: Nobody can freehand a pinstripe.
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  Speaker 2: app at maximum fund dot org or wherever you get
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  Speaker 5: There was a study that was done at Harvard Business
• 0:26
  Speaker 5: School where they asked students before they had a conversation
• 0:29
  Speaker 5: with a stranger. They asked all the students to write
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  Speaker 5: down three topics that they thought they could discuss. This
• 0:35
  Speaker 5: took like ten seconds, right. People would write down like,
• 0:37
  Speaker 5: you know, this weekend's game and what TV shows I watch,
• 0:41
  Speaker 5: just a little dumb throwaway things. And then they went
• 0:44
  Speaker 5: and they had conversations with strangers and everyone would put
• 0:47
  Speaker 5: the card away, many of them would put it in
• 0:49
  Speaker 5: their back pocket, and the topics they had jotted down
• 0:53
  Speaker 5: often never came up. But the fact that they were
• 0:56
  Speaker 5: there almost overwhelmingly made all of the participants feel less
• 1:01
  Speaker 5: anxious about those discussions, and as a result, those discussions
• 1:05
  Speaker 5: went much much better.
• 1:07
  Speaker 6: You're listening to Life Kit. I'm Mary el Sagara, and
• 1:11
  Speaker 6: you just heard from Charles Douhig, reporter and author of
• 1:14
  Speaker 6: the book Super Communicators.
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  Speaker 3: It's a deep dive.
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  Speaker 6: On how to have better conversations. A lot of the
• 1:20
  Speaker 6: time we're talking at other people, not to them or
• 1:24
  Speaker 6: with them. Our goal is to impart information, or impress someone,
• 1:29
  Speaker 6: or prove.
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  Speaker 7: That we're right.
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  Speaker 6: But Charles says, if what we actually want to do
• 1:33
  Speaker 6: is connect, we need to learn certain conversational skills. The
• 1:37
  Speaker 6: good news is these are skills that you can learn.
• 1:40
  Speaker 6: You can become, as Charles puts it, a super communicator.
• 1:44
  Speaker 5: What we've learned is that it's not an inborn trait.
• 1:46
  Speaker 5: It's not that introverts can do it better than extroverts
• 1:49
  Speaker 5: or vice versa. Rather, there are some people who have
• 1:52
  Speaker 5: just paid a little bit more attention to how they
• 1:54
  Speaker 5: communicate with other people.
• 1:56
  Speaker 6: On this episode, Life Kit reporter Andy Tagle talks to
• 1:59
  Speaker 6: Charles about these skills and how they can lead to
• 2:02
  Speaker 6: better conversations and ultimately a happier life.
• 2:13
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• 3:47
  Speaker 12: Charles, let's talk a little bit about the power of connection.
• 3:51
  Speaker 12: I think everyone would agree that it's nice to have
• 3:53
  Speaker 12: a nice conversation, but that's different than real, meaningful connection,
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  Speaker 12: right really fascinated by the physiological effects that connecting can
• 4:03
  Speaker 12: have on people.
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  Speaker 3: Can you talk to us about that a little bit.
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  Speaker 5: Yeah, absolutely, So when we really connect with someone in conversation,
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  Speaker 5: when we are sort of on what you might refer
• 4:13
  Speaker 5: to as the same wavelength, what's interesting is it's reflected
• 4:16
  Speaker 5: in our bodies and our brains. So right now we're
• 4:18
  Speaker 5: having a conversation even though we're separated by hundreds of miles,
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  Speaker 5: and yet if we could measure this, what we would
• 4:24
  Speaker 5: see is that your eye pupils and my eyepupils are
• 4:28
  Speaker 5: starting to dilate at the same rate. Our breath patterns
• 4:31
  Speaker 5: are starting to match each other, our heart rates are
• 4:34
  Speaker 5: starting to match each other, and even more importantly, if
• 4:36
  Speaker 5: we could see inside our brains, what we would see
• 4:40
  Speaker 5: is that my brain waves are starting to look like
• 4:42
  Speaker 5: your brain waves, and vice versa. Within psychology and neurology,
• 4:46
  Speaker 5: this is known as neural entrainment, and it's at the
• 4:49
  Speaker 5: core of how we communicate with each other. And what
• 4:52
  Speaker 5: it tells us is that communication is connection. When you
• 4:56
  Speaker 5: and I are really communicating with each other, our bodies
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  Speaker 5: and our rains become connected in a way that allows
• 5:02
  Speaker 5: us to understand and hear each other much more clearly.
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  Speaker 12: So take away one communication is connection. We tend to
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  Speaker 12: think that the goal of a conversation is to make
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  Speaker 12: a point or say your opinion, but Charles says that's
• 5:17
  Speaker 12: not a good way to judge the success of an interaction. Instead,
• 5:21
  Speaker 12: in order to really connect, aim to have what he
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  Speaker 12: calls a learning conversation.
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  Speaker 5: A conversation is successful if I understand you and you
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  Speaker 5: understand me. And what's really nice about that is that
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  Speaker 5: if you go in with this attitude of wanting to
• 5:34
  Speaker 5: have a learning conversation, where my goal is simply to
• 5:37
  Speaker 5: learn how you see the world and to share with
• 5:40
  Speaker 5: you how I see the world, so you can learn
• 5:42
  Speaker 5: my perspectives. Then it takes away all this pressure. I
• 5:45
  Speaker 5: don't have to convince you to vote for my guy.
• 5:48
  Speaker 5: I don't have to convince you to support my issue.
• 5:50
  Speaker 5: I don't have to convince you to support my team. Instead,
• 5:53
  Speaker 5: what I want to do is I want to understand
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  Speaker 5: how you see the world, and there's tactics that help
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  Speaker 5: us do that. One of my fas favor ways of
• 6:01
  Speaker 5: doing this, particularly if you're having a conversation amid conflict,
• 6:05
  Speaker 5: is something known as looping for understanding and what it is.
• 6:09
  Speaker 5: It has three steps. You should ask someone a question,
• 6:12
  Speaker 5: and some questions are more powerful than others. You should
• 6:15
  Speaker 5: listen to what they say, and then step number two
• 6:17
  Speaker 5: you should repeat back in your own words what they
• 6:21
  Speaker 5: just told you. And then step number three, and this
• 6:24
  Speaker 5: is the one we usually forget, is you should ask
• 6:26
  Speaker 5: them if you got it right. The reason this is
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  Speaker 5: so powerful is because, particularly when we're in conflict, the
• 6:33
  Speaker 5: other person doesn't know if we're listening or if we're
• 6:36
  Speaker 5: just waiting our turn to speak. But if it's a
• 6:39
  Speaker 5: learning conversation, a conversation where I really want to understand you,
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  Speaker 5: if I start proving to you that I'm listening, proving
• 6:45
  Speaker 5: that I want to understand, and then asking you to
• 6:48
  Speaker 5: make sure that I'm getting this right, that I genuinely
• 6:51
  Speaker 5: do understand. Both of us are going to trust each
• 6:54
  Speaker 5: other more even if we completely disagree with each.
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  Speaker 3: Other, So let me make sure that I have that right.
• 7:00
  Speaker 12: Looping for understanding, or we're actively showing people that we're
• 7:04
  Speaker 12: listening to them by you know, paying attention, by asking
• 7:07
  Speaker 12: follow up questions and making sure that we have that information.
• 7:09
  Speaker 3: Correct. Is that correct?
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  Speaker 5: That's exactly so. So ask a question. You did a
• 7:14
  Speaker 5: good job. You did a good job. Ask a question,
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  Speaker 5: and then repeat back what you heard them say in
• 7:19
  Speaker 5: your own words as you just did, and then ask
• 7:22
  Speaker 5: if you got it right. So you are a super communicator.
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  Speaker 5: You do this really well.
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  Speaker 12: We're doing okay, thanks so much, Charles. We're hanging in there.
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  Speaker 12: We're hanging in there. Let's move on to the matching principle,
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  Speaker 12: which I know is a big part of super communicating.
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  Speaker 12: Matching isn't as simple as mimicking someone's body language, right.
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  Speaker 5: Yeah, absolutely so. One of the best examples is how
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  Speaker 5: I came to this book because I felt like I
• 7:46
  Speaker 5: was having some communication problems in my life and and
• 7:49
  Speaker 5: one in particular pattern that I found was happening again
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  Speaker 5: and again is I would come home after a tough
• 7:53
  Speaker 5: day at work and I would start complaining to my
• 7:56
  Speaker 5: wife and I would say, you know, my boss is
• 7:58
  Speaker 5: a jerk and my coworkers don't shape me. And she
• 8:01
  Speaker 5: very reasonably would say, oh, you know, why don't you
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  Speaker 5: take your boss out for lunch and get to know
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  Speaker 5: each other a little bit better. She would try and
• 8:08
  Speaker 5: solve my problem. And instead of listening to her, what
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  Speaker 5: I would do is I would get even more upset.
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  Speaker 5: I would say, you know, no, I want you to
• 8:14
  Speaker 5: be outraged on my behalf. I want you to be
• 8:17
  Speaker 5: to be to support me. And she would get upset
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  Speaker 5: because I was acting irrational. She was giving me good advice.
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  Speaker 5: And so when I went to researchers and I asked
• 8:25
  Speaker 5: them about this, what they said is like, well, here's
• 8:27
  Speaker 5: the problem. People tend to think of a discussion as
• 8:29
  Speaker 5: being about one thing. It's about my day, or it's
• 8:32
  Speaker 5: about Jimmy's grades or where to go on vacation. But
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  Speaker 5: actually every discussion is made up of multiple different kinds
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  Speaker 5: of conversations, and in particular, those conversations tend to fall
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  Speaker 5: into one of three buckets. There's practical conversations where we're
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  Speaker 5: solving problems or we're making plans. There's emotional discussions where
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  Speaker 5: I might share how I'm feeling and I don't want
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  Speaker 5: you to solve my problem, I want you to listen
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  Speaker 5: and empathize. And then there's social conversations where we're talking
• 8:59
  Speaker 5: about how we see each other in the context of
• 9:02
  Speaker 5: society and other people see us. And they said, look,
• 9:05
  Speaker 5: when you were coming home, you were having an emotional conversation.
• 9:08
  Speaker 5: You wanted to talk about how you feel, and your
• 9:10
  Speaker 5: wife responded with a practical conversation, and both of those
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  Speaker 5: conversations are totally valid, But because you were having different
• 9:18
  Speaker 5: conversations at the same moment, you couldn't really hear each other.
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  Speaker 5: And so the answer is what you mentioned, the matching
• 9:25
  Speaker 5: principle that once we figure out what kind of conversation
• 9:30
  Speaker 5: is occurring, that if I match you or I invite
• 9:34
  Speaker 5: you to match me, that's where we really are able
• 9:37
  Speaker 5: to hear each other.
• 9:38
  Speaker 12: Take away too, understand what kind of conversation you're having
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  Speaker 12: with someone. It's practical, emotional, social. Once you understand their goals,
• 9:46
  Speaker 12: it'll be easier to really connect. Here's how to decipher
• 9:50
  Speaker 12: one from the other. You say in the book that
• 9:53
  Speaker 12: we all send clues as we speak to other people
• 9:56
  Speaker 12: about what conversation we want to have. Right, give us
• 10:00
  Speaker 12: some tools to be better conversation sleuths. You know, what
• 10:02
  Speaker 12: should we look out for in ourselves and other people
• 10:04
  Speaker 12: to determine where a conversation is headed.
• 10:07
  Speaker 5: There's one tactic in particular that's really helpful in figuring
• 10:10
  Speaker 5: out what kind of a conversation is happening. What does
• 10:12
  Speaker 5: this other person want and need? And what do I
• 10:16
  Speaker 5: want out of this discussion. There's certain kinds of questions
• 10:19
  Speaker 5: that are special. These are known as deep questions. To
• 10:22
  Speaker 5: figure out what everyone wants from a conversation, you should
• 10:27
  Speaker 5: ask deep questions. And a deep question is something that
• 10:29
  Speaker 5: asks about people's values or beliefs or experiences. And that
• 10:34
  Speaker 5: can sign kind of scary. Right, that sounds pretty intimate,
• 10:36
  Speaker 5: but it's actually pretty easy to do. If you meet
• 10:39
  Speaker 5: someone who's a who's new and you ask them what
• 10:41
  Speaker 5: do you do for a living and they say I'm
• 10:42
  Speaker 5: a lawyer, you can ask, oh, you know, what made
• 10:45
  Speaker 5: you decide to become a lawyer, Like, did you always
• 10:48
  Speaker 5: want to be a lawyer, Do you love your job?
• 10:50
  Speaker 5: Those three questions, they're asking that person to talk about
• 10:54
  Speaker 5: their values and their beliefs, the experiences that led them
• 10:57
  Speaker 5: to law school, whether they enjoy going to work each day,
• 11:00
  Speaker 5: what they enjoy about it. They're easy questions to ask,
• 11:04
  Speaker 5: but when we respond to them, we describe so much
• 11:08
  Speaker 5: about ourselves, and by listening closely to that, we can
• 11:11
  Speaker 5: figure out where this person is coming from. The difference
• 11:16
  Speaker 5: between someone who says, oh, I decided to become a
• 11:18
  Speaker 5: lawyer because I grew up a little bit poor and
• 11:20
  Speaker 5: I always wanted to have a steady job. I wanted
• 11:23
  Speaker 5: to be able to provide for my family. That person
• 11:26
  Speaker 5: is in a practical frame of mind. They're having a
• 11:28
  Speaker 5: practical conversation. But someone else who says I decided to
• 11:32
  Speaker 5: become a lawyer because I saw my dad get arrested
• 11:34
  Speaker 5: and I wanted to fight for the underdog. That person
• 11:38
  Speaker 5: is in a more emotional or maybe even social state
• 11:40
  Speaker 5: of mind. We should have a different kind of conversation
• 11:42
  Speaker 5: with them. It's easy to ask deep questions, easier than
• 11:46
  Speaker 5: we think it is, But more importantly, we learn what
• 11:49
  Speaker 5: this other person is seeking out of this conversation, and
• 11:52
  Speaker 5: we get to share with them what we want as well.
• 11:56
  Speaker 12: It sounds like what you're talking about is the idea
• 11:58
  Speaker 12: of emotional reciprocity, right, Yeah.
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  Speaker 5: Absolutely So if someone says, you know, if someone shares
• 12:04
  Speaker 5: something with us that's a little bit vulnerable, we should
• 12:07
  Speaker 5: acknowledge that we've heard that. If they say, we ask
• 12:11
  Speaker 5: how is this weekend and they say, oh, it is
• 12:14
  Speaker 5: a little bit of a tough weekend, and we ask
• 12:16
  Speaker 5: why what happened? You know, what was going on, and
• 12:19
  Speaker 5: they say, well, I had to go to a funeral
• 12:22
  Speaker 5: at that moment, what we should do is, rather than skipping, yeah,
• 12:27
  Speaker 5: is lean in a little bit and say, oh, I'm
• 12:30
  Speaker 5: so sorry, Like, tell me about the person, what did
• 12:33
  Speaker 5: they mean to you? And then we can share about ourselves.
• 12:35
  Speaker 5: And we can say, you know, my father and this
• 12:38
  Speaker 5: is actually true. My father passed away six years ago,
• 12:42
  Speaker 5: and one of the things that's been really fascinating to
• 12:46
  Speaker 5: me is how much my relationship with him has continued
• 12:50
  Speaker 5: after his death. Now we're, you know, forty five seconds
• 12:55
  Speaker 5: a minuted into a conversation, and we're talking about something real,
• 12:58
  Speaker 5: something where we can get to know each other and
• 13:00
  Speaker 5: understand each other a little bit better and that emotional
• 13:03
  Speaker 5: reciprocity is at the core of how we learn to
• 13:07
  Speaker 5: trust and like each other.
• 13:09
  Speaker 12: More life kid in a moment, Oh.
• 13:13
  Speaker 13: Hey there, I'm Brittany Loose And I don't know, maybe
• 13:16
  Speaker 13: this is a little out of pockets to say, but
• 13:19
  Speaker 13: I think you should listen to my podcast. It's called
• 13:23
  Speaker 13: It's Been a Minute, and I love it and I
• 13:25
  Speaker 13: think you will too. Over the past couple of months,
• 13:28
  Speaker 13: over one hundred thousand new listeners started tuning in find
• 13:32
  Speaker 13: out why listen to the It's Been a Minute podcast
• 13:34
  Speaker 13: from NPR Today.
• 13:41
  Speaker 12: Take Away Three ask deep questions. That means going beyond
• 13:45
  Speaker 12: your go to small talk. But you don't have to
• 13:48
  Speaker 12: do that on the fly. Charles recommends preparing for conversations.
• 13:52
  Speaker 5: I've been thinking about this a lot with conversations with
• 13:54
  Speaker 5: my kids. So I have a twelve year old and
• 13:57
  Speaker 5: a fifteen year old. They come home from school, and,
• 14:01
  Speaker 5: like I go into automodes sometimes where I'm like, hey, hey,
• 14:04
  Speaker 5: how was school today? It was fine? Do you have
• 14:06
  Speaker 5: any homework?
• 14:07
  Speaker 2: Yes?
• 14:07
  Speaker 5: I without even thinking about it, I start asking all
• 14:10
  Speaker 5: these undep questions. And so now what I'm trying to
• 14:14
  Speaker 5: do is I'm trying to before my kids get home,
• 14:17
  Speaker 5: I try and think up, like what's the question that
• 14:19
  Speaker 5: I can ask my son that he actually wants to answer?
• 14:24
  Speaker 5: And sometimes that question is things like you know, who
• 14:27
  Speaker 5: do you think is the best basketball player of all time?
• 14:29
  Speaker 5: Which is apropos of nothing, but he loves to answer.
• 14:33
  Speaker 5: And sometimes it's like, hey, you know, you mentioned that
• 14:38
  Speaker 5: you went skateboarding with your friends after school, and I'm
• 14:40
  Speaker 5: just wondering, like Jasper, he seems like a really good
• 14:42
  Speaker 5: friend of yours, Like what is it about Jasper you
• 14:44
  Speaker 5: like so much? Like what do you admire about Jasper?
• 14:47
  Speaker 5: When I think and try and come up with these
• 14:50
  Speaker 5: slightly deeper questions, it's as if I've unlocked something in
• 14:54
  Speaker 5: my kids, and suddenly they start telling me about why
• 14:57
  Speaker 5: they like some of their friends and with the other friends,
• 15:01
  Speaker 5: and then we have real conversations. And then I can
• 15:03
  Speaker 5: tell them about when I was a kid, which they're
• 15:06
  Speaker 5: hopefully fascinated by and sometimes bored by. But it just
• 15:10
  Speaker 5: takes like ten seconds to come up with the real question,
• 15:13
  Speaker 5: as opposed to the rote question, which is how a
• 15:17
  Speaker 5: school do you have homework? So I try and do
• 15:19
  Speaker 5: that more.
• 15:20
  Speaker 3: Does to take a little bit of time.
• 15:21
  Speaker 12: I love that what about for people who don't, for
• 15:25
  Speaker 12: which that creative question isn't readily available, you know, like
• 15:29
  Speaker 12: for a stranger, for someone you don't totally know. I mean,
• 15:31
  Speaker 12: you can do a little bit of your research, but
• 15:33
  Speaker 12: if you're not quite sure, what's going to open them up?
• 15:35
  Speaker 3: Any advice there?
• 15:36
  Speaker 5: So there's a guy named Nick Nicholas Eplei who's a
• 15:38
  Speaker 5: professor at the University of Chicago, who studied this exact
• 15:41
  Speaker 5: question his whole career, and what he's found is that
• 15:45
  Speaker 5: almost any question that asks why helps people open up. So,
• 15:51
  Speaker 5: as I mentioned, you know, what do you do for
• 15:53
  Speaker 5: a living? I'm a lawyer? Oh yeah, why'd you decide
• 15:55
  Speaker 5: to become a lawyer? You know, what did you have
• 15:57
  Speaker 5: for luncheon today? I had grilled cheese? Oh yeah, why'd
• 15:59
  Speaker 5: you decide to have grilled cheese? When we ask why,
• 16:03
  Speaker 5: what we're doing is we're inviting the other person to
• 16:05
  Speaker 5: explain who they are. And it can when I'm describing
• 16:09
  Speaker 5: it this way, it can seem like, oh, maybe that's
• 16:11
  Speaker 5: harder than it is, maybe that's more awkward than it is.
• 16:13
  Speaker 5: But what Nick has found is that within three questions
• 16:17
  Speaker 5: between strangers, between close friends, between people who have nothing
• 16:21
  Speaker 5: in common. Within three questions, you can get to something
• 16:24
  Speaker 5: real if you ask why. And it's always easy to
• 16:28
  Speaker 5: ask why. People love to be asked why because they
• 16:31
  Speaker 5: love They love to talk about how they see the world.
• 16:34
  Speaker 12: Charles could be practice, of course, within three questions. Okay, Charles,
• 16:38
  Speaker 12: what did you do this weekend?
• 16:41
  Speaker 5: You know, I was in Los Angeles and I flew
• 16:43
  Speaker 5: back on Saturday.
• 16:44
  Speaker 3: Why were you in La?
• 16:46
  Speaker 5: Oh? So I was out there. I was actually promoting
• 16:48
  Speaker 5: my book. I was I was going on podcasts and
• 16:51
  Speaker 5: I was talking to folks and kind of it was
• 16:55
  Speaker 5: kind of amazing because I used to live in LA
• 16:58
  Speaker 5: and a chance to go out there and be back there.
• 17:01
  Speaker 5: It's changed so much, but it sort of felt like
• 17:03
  Speaker 5: home in a strange way.
• 17:05
  Speaker 3: Oh, lovely, What do you love about La?
• 17:08
  Speaker 7: Ah?
• 17:09
  Speaker 8: You know?
• 17:10
  Speaker 5: The thing I love about LA is it's like it's
• 17:12
  Speaker 5: like twenty different cities in one right. There's There's and
• 17:15
  Speaker 5: and so many parts of the cities are are so
• 17:18
  Speaker 5: different from each other. There's there's Koreatown, and there's Chinatown,
• 17:21
  Speaker 5: and there's there's Downtown. There's all these different parts of
• 17:25
  Speaker 5: LA and as you move through them, you get to
• 17:28
  Speaker 5: experience those cultures in a way that even in a
• 17:30
  Speaker 5: place like New York it's hard to do. It's just
• 17:34
  Speaker 5: it's a really dynamic city, and you pick up so
• 17:36
  Speaker 5: much energy just from being on the streets and talking
• 17:39
  Speaker 5: to people.
• 17:41
  Speaker 12: Totally agree, totally, I'm actually and from LA, And yeah,
• 17:44
  Speaker 12: I am and from LA. I grew up in the
• 17:46
  Speaker 12: San Fernando Valley and then I went to UCLA and
• 17:48
  Speaker 12: hung out in Westwood for a little while. And every
• 17:50
  Speaker 12: place I've lived in LA has felt like a substantially
• 17:52
  Speaker 12: different place than the La that I was at.
• 17:54
  Speaker 5: And it's fun, right, It's like you get to go
• 17:56
  Speaker 5: around the world by driving, you know, three miles. It's amazing.
• 18:00
  Speaker 3: Absolutely.
• 18:00
  Speaker 12: I mean when the three miles takes forty five minutes,
• 18:02
  Speaker 12: I feel a little bit.
• 18:03
  Speaker 5: Less, that's true, but yeah, that's true. Well, and what
• 18:06
  Speaker 5: I love about what you just did is that you
• 18:09
  Speaker 5: looped me. You you rather than rather than me waiting
• 18:13
  Speaker 5: for me to ask you, where did you grow up?
• 18:16
  Speaker 5: You built on what I was saying to say, Oh,
• 18:18
  Speaker 5: I actually know La. I grew up in LA. I
• 18:20
  Speaker 5: can share with you things about La. We can share
• 18:22
  Speaker 5: this together, and that means a I know that you
• 18:26
  Speaker 5: were listening to me. But b it means that in
• 18:28
  Speaker 5: addition to sharing who I am, I get to learn
• 18:30
  Speaker 5: something about you, which is that you also like that
• 18:32
  Speaker 5: energy and you love you liked being in Los Angeles,
• 18:35
  Speaker 5: but that much like me and probably most people, the
• 18:38
  Speaker 5: traffic is not ideal, right, that you probably value your
• 18:42
  Speaker 5: time more than more than more than just being in
• 18:46
  Speaker 5: a place that's exciting, and so it all. I took
• 18:49
  Speaker 5: us three questions, but I feel like we know each other.
• 18:51
  Speaker 3: I agree. I feel like we did okay, Charles, thank you.
• 18:53
  Speaker 3: I was notnicus about that.
• 18:54
  Speaker 5: Thank you.
• 18:55
  Speaker 3: Thank you for the positive feedback. See how easy that was.
• 19:00
  Speaker 12: Just listening and responding as yourself can help you really connect.
• 19:04
  Speaker 3: So take away four, be authentic.
• 19:07
  Speaker 5: One of the things that we know about supercommunicators is
• 19:10
  Speaker 5: that they have a couple of characteristics. People who are
• 19:12
  Speaker 5: consistently super communicators, they tend to ask ten to twenty
• 19:16
  Speaker 5: times as many questions as everyone else, but the questions
• 19:19
  Speaker 5: are kind of throwing questions. A lot of them are like,
• 19:21
  Speaker 5: you know, what do you think about that? What happened next,
• 19:23
  Speaker 5: so that we don't even hardly register them as questions.
• 19:26
  Speaker 5: They tend to laugh more because they want to show
• 19:28
  Speaker 5: us that they want to connect. But most importantly, they
• 19:32
  Speaker 5: are authentic. So if you say something that indicates that
• 19:37
  Speaker 5: you're struggling with something, they authentically listen to you, and
• 19:41
  Speaker 5: they might share something about themselves, or they might ask
• 19:44
  Speaker 5: you a question about that, but they don't try and
• 19:48
  Speaker 5: force something that's false. They don't try and imply that
• 19:53
  Speaker 5: they're curious. But the reason that they're asking what happened
• 19:56
  Speaker 5: is because they really want to talk about what happened
• 19:57
  Speaker 5: to them. And so there that we can be authentic
• 20:01
  Speaker 5: with each other. The more that we can listen to
• 20:03
  Speaker 5: what we're feeling and thinking, the more, paradoxically, we get
• 20:08
  Speaker 5: better at listening and then speaking in ways that other
• 20:10
  Speaker 5: people want to listen to us.
• 20:18
  Speaker 12: Okay, supercommunicators, let's recap.
• 20:22
  Speaker 3: Take Away one.
• 20:23
  Speaker 12: Communication is about connection, and a learning conversation is a
• 20:28
  Speaker 12: great way to get on the same wavelength with someone.
• 20:30
  Speaker 3: Take Away two.
• 20:32
  Speaker 12: Understand what kind of conversation you're having with someone practical, emotional, social,
• 20:38
  Speaker 12: then match accordingly.
• 20:40
  Speaker 3: Take Away three.
• 20:41
  Speaker 12: Ask lots of questions. Remember, super communicators tend to ask
• 20:45
  Speaker 12: ten to twenty more questions than everyone else, and deep
• 20:48
  Speaker 12: questions will build connection quickly. If nothing comes to mind
• 20:52
  Speaker 12: right away. Start with why take Away four be authentic.
• 20:57
  Speaker 12: You don't have to be an extrovert or comedian to
• 20:59
  Speaker 12: really connect with people. Just lead with your curiosity and
• 21:02
  Speaker 12: don't be scared to be vulnerable. Remember, being a super
• 21:05
  Speaker 12: communicator isn't just.
• 21:07
  Speaker 3: For the elite few.
• 21:09
  Speaker 5: Any of us can become a super communicator. The reason
• 21:11
  Speaker 5: I wrote the book is because it's just a set
• 21:13
  Speaker 5: of skills that anyone can learn. And when we learn them,
• 21:16
  Speaker 5: and when we use them, we begin connecting with other
• 21:20
  Speaker 5: people in this profound way that makes our life so
• 21:23
  Speaker 5: much more meaningful and ultimately makes us healthier and happier
• 21:28
  Speaker 5: and more successful.
• 21:32
  Speaker 6: That was author Charles Douhigg talking with Lifekit reporter Andy Tagle.
• 21:37
  Speaker 6: This episode of Lifekit was reported and produced by Andy Tagle.
• 21:40
  Speaker 6: Our digital editor is Malica Greeb, and our visuals editor
• 21:43
  Speaker 6: is c. J. Rikalan. Megan Kane is our senior supervising editor,
• 21:47
  Speaker 6: and Lauren Gonzalez is our executive producer. Our production team
• 21:50
  Speaker 6: also includes Claire Marie Schneider, Margaret Sereno, and Sylvie Douglas.
• 21:54
  Speaker 6: Engineering support comes from Jimmy Keely, I'm Mariel Sagarra. Thanks
• 21:59
  Speaker 6: for listening.
• 22:08
  Speaker 14: Every story from Shortwave and Pair Science podcasts starts with
• 22:11
  Speaker 14: a question like why do we have nightmares?
• 22:15
  Speaker 3: How does AI affect my energy bill?
• 22:17
  Speaker 14: At in PR, we are here for your right to
• 22:20
  Speaker 14: be curious about the world around you. Follow Shortwave wherever
• 22:24
  Speaker 14: you get your podcasts, because the more you ask, the
• 22:27
  Speaker 14: more interesting the world gets.
• 22:31
  Speaker 4: Hi it's Terry Gross, host of fresh Air. Hey take
• 22:34
  Speaker 4: a break from the twenty four hour news cycle with
• 22:36
  Speaker 4: us and listen to long form interviews with your favorite authors, actors, filmmakers,
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• 22:45
  Speaker 4: us and speaks to our times. So listen to the
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• 22:52
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• 23:00
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• 23:03
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