Latest / ABJ / ABJ 1 | Times I Almost Quit...But Didn't

Transcript

ABJ 1 | Times I Almost Quit...But Didn't · ABJ

0:17
All right, everybody, welcome back to the ABJ to Abjs podcast.
0:24
I'm not really calling it the ABJ podcast, but it is.
0:26
It's me, it's ABJ and it's a podcast.
0:29
It's for long form content. Again, I know some user like
0:32
man, I miss Tornado Tag and I miss Behind Illusion and banging
0:36
beers, and I'm making versions of that content Night, Colon,
0:39
High School, all that stuff. But I'm switching it up a little
0:42
bit. It's hard to market multiple
0:43
brands at one time, but still stay true and grow.
0:47
And because it's frustrating and it's very hard.
0:50
So we're going to dive into a podcast topic that I really want
0:54
to talk about with you guys, which is going to be the pretty
0:57
much episode 1 of the rebrand. And it's going to be times I
1:01
almost quit but didn't yet. So yeah, let's get straight into
1:07
it. What's going on, everybody?
1:08
I'm ABJ, host of this podcast in this conversation.
1:12
I'm a content creator from Pennsylvania, Northeast
1:15
Pennsylvania. I do a lot of cool stuff on the
1:17
local wrestling scene. I I've been podcasting now for
1:20
about 789 ish years. I don't remember the actual time
1:25
frame but yeah, I've been doing this for a minute, talking with
1:28
friends, having friends sit down with me, growing this brand,
1:31
putting so much into it and sometimes having little to no
1:34
growth but also having really good moments.
1:37
But if you guys want to support this podcast links and stuff are
1:40
below. I am working on ways of doing
1:41
things. We do have memberships on
1:43
YouTube. If you want to see episodes
1:44
before everyone else. That's all available.
1:47
You can do. You can check out the ABJ Gaming
1:49
ABJ, which is like me gaming and doing stuff like that.
1:52
ABJ on Air, which is live streaming wrestling and sports
1:55
shows. You can check out ABJ in my
1:58
life, which is like my video vlog where I kind of bring the
2:00
camera around with me and record on the go and fun, do fun
2:04
things. And then this, the podcast, the
2:06
ABJ experience, I guess you would say here.
2:10
And then I, I post some of my stuff.
2:11
I do it pro wrestling with my backstage interviews and
2:13
commentary and stuff like that. Yeah.
2:16
So let's have some fun here and let's get in to this times.
2:21
I almost quit but didn't. Oh, sorry.
2:23
One more thing. Merchandise pages are available
2:25
too at 4th wall. The link is in my link tree as
2:27
well. A very, very cool website.
2:29
I do have T-shirts, hats, patches, stickers.
2:32
There is a colt. Track jacket you guys can check
2:35
out as well as a like a cult candle so you can join the cult
2:41
of ABJ, the branding of the cult of Abji, know people hear it and
2:44
go, what the hell is wrong with you?
2:45
Why are you saying you're a cult leader and all that stuff.
2:47
It's tongue in cheek. It's fun.
2:49
I do like dark, occulty, devilish.
2:53
I don't believe it really in any of that.
2:55
I generally, I generally don't, but it's just fun.
2:57
I like horror movies. I like dark stuff.
2:59
I think it it's appealing to me. I've always kind of leaned into
3:02
that or liked that. So it's more of a fun Tony and
3:06
cheek branding and it kind of tells people right away if
3:09
they're going to judge me if they're probably part of my
3:12
tribe or not. Because I don't want judgement.
3:15
I want people to be open minded to each other and, and accept
3:17
each other for who they are and, and grow with each other and,
3:20
and find common interests, whether it's pro wrestling, pop
3:23
culture, horror, beer, anything, anything like that.
3:27
I try to base myself in genuine honesty and not doing gimmicks
3:32
or not doing like the you typical a social media person.
3:37
I try to say completely authentic to myself, which I
3:40
think is also a thing we'll be diving into soon here.
3:42
So there were a few moments where I was as close to quitting
3:46
everything, but honestly a part of me which is I did, but I
3:48
didn't. Nobody talks about the moments
3:50
where you almost walk away from everything you built.
3:53
I had a few of those in my time and I'll kind of give you a few
3:56
of those, for example. So when I first started, I sold
4:00
all of my, all of my personal, like personal collectibles and
4:04
things I really liked and enjoyed and collected over the
4:06
years to buy my first set, an early idea of what my podcast
4:12
was. And I was like, man, I want to
4:14
do this. And I, I did it 'cause I
4:16
interviewed my gram and I wanted to interview more people and
4:19
capture people's stories, 'cause I thought generally people would
4:22
be into that. I think it, I thought it would
4:24
be an idea where people like, man, this is super cool and real
4:27
and it would bring not so much that negative style of the
4:31
Internet. It would bring a new way of
4:33
people understanding one another and, and learning about each
4:36
other instead of quickly judging them and shutting them down.
4:39
And, and, and the stuff I say here isn't trash talking people.
4:43
I'm just telling my story. And if, if, if this is the
4:45
person, I, I don't have any beef or I'll will towards anyone.
4:49
I'm trying to, I'm not going to say names.
4:50
Sometimes I will, sometimes I won't.
4:52
But yeah, so just kind of put that out there because sometimes
4:55
people get salty. But yeah, a lot of it just
4:58
really comes down to every single time I've brought other
5:01
people in or I've had people a part of it.
5:03
Like very early on, I had a group of people I was going to
5:05
do podcasting with and I kind of made a decision where I was
5:09
going to choose the podcast. And I was going to go 10 toes
5:13
down and really do this and really create and dive into it
5:16
and really do what I wanted. And because it was my dreams, it
5:20
was my goals, it was what I wanted to do.
5:22
And early on, people were like, Hey, I'll be over at this time
5:25
to record. I can't do it today.
5:27
I'm going tomorrow, this, that. And I just kept prolonging
5:30
because it wasn't their thing. They just wanted to be a part of
5:33
it, but it wasn't what they wanted.
5:35
And there's nothing wrong with that.
5:36
I don't hate them. I don't knock them for that.
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But I couldn't wait anymore. And I, I, I moved on.
5:41
I was like, man, I, I, I want to go to like this show and I want
5:44
to review it. I want to talk about it.
5:46
I want to dive into these different avenues and talk about
5:48
things. And I can't keep waiting.
5:51
So I, I, I moved on without them and it caused, it caused
5:55
turmoil. I lost friendships, I've lost
5:57
family, I've lost relationships, I've lost a lot sticking to what
6:03
I want to do and chasing this, you know, I, I put a lot into
6:08
it. When, when and I'm very
6:10
particular about my brand and about what I do and how it looks
6:14
and how it sounds and the direction and, and sometimes
6:17
when you try to bring in everyone to do this with you,
6:21
your visions clash and your visions clash and your
6:24
priorities clash. And it caused conflict because I
6:27
was not. And I'm still not.
6:29
Perfect. But I'm definitely not easy
6:30
sometimes to work with because I I definitely have a direction.
6:33
I've invested all of my money, time and effort into this.
6:36
And when somebody comes in and like, well, I want to do this,
6:38
this and this and this is kind of like now I'm kind of steering
6:41
the ship. I just want you to kind of be a
6:42
passenger and come hang out. Like I kind of have a vision of
6:44
why you're here and I want you to just kind of be that thing.
6:47
And that's not fun to either people either because they're
6:49
kind of locked into a box of that and they don't have that
6:52
creativeness. And I had to learn that as well.
6:54
I was just kind of letting people do them and, and grow.
6:58
So yeah, I've, I've had a huge team around me and I'm very
7:01
appreciative of everyone who sat at my table and everyone who has
7:05
been a part of my team and have grown with me.
7:08
And I don't hate you. I don't dislike you.
7:10
I don't have any ill feelings towards you.
7:12
I, I will take responsibility for most of it.
7:15
I know I'd not easy to deal with, but like I said, man, I
7:17
was taking time away from my ex-wife at the time.
7:20
Well, wife at the time I was taking time away from my
7:22
friends, my family, things that I wanted to do and with things I
7:26
wanted to grow on and. Yeah, it was very difficult and
7:30
it was a sacrifice. And when I seen other people
7:32
weren't a part of it, I just had to get to a point where I was
7:35
like, I can't keep holding the the wait up for everybody.
7:38
If they're if they're not in, they can't be in.
7:39
And if they want to be here, they want to be here.
7:41
But I had to find that direction.
7:43
So that was a huge time for me of throughout the early journeys
7:46
of growing while I wanted to do this podcast with a team.
7:50
And I wasn't making me the brand.
7:52
I wasn't a BJI wasn't the Anthony Blackwell Show.
7:55
It wasn't me. It was interviews everyday,
7:57
people. It was Tornado Tag.
7:58
It was banging beers. It was a name.
8:00
It was a. Brand and it wasn't so much me
8:02
as the person I considered it all of our projects, but at the.
8:07
End of the day, they'd seen it was my thing and my
8:10
responsibility and all right, trying to record this and every
8:17
time I'm recording, everybody and their fucking brother want
8:21
to contact me and talk to me. Especially in this household.
8:24
It's just very difficult. I'm trying to get a vibe and I'm
8:27
trying to get like vulnerable. And when you don't have privacy,
8:30
it's very difficult, yes. All right, so.
8:36
I I honestly don't remember where I was.
8:46
Yeah, So 321, yeah. So that was that was a big
8:55
challenge was trying to incorporate friends, family and
8:58
loved ones into my brand and into my content and just having
9:03
different views and opinions and and time and scheduling to try
9:07
to make things work. And also to grow that brand and
9:11
take pride in that brand and want to promote and push and be
9:14
a part of it. If I feel like.
9:17
And this is not just a knock on the people we're here, but this
9:19
is in general. I think when people, when they
9:23
see something successful, everybody wants to be a part of
9:25
it. They want to grow.
9:25
Oh, this is getting a lot of attention.
9:27
I'm, I'm in, I want to do that. But when those, when you're in
9:30
the early stages, man, you're grinding and you're not getting
9:32
big views or you're, you don't have that clout that people care
9:35
about, man. Like they don't give a shit.
9:36
They're just not going to support you.
9:37
They're not going to be there and it's going to be a lot
9:40
harder to grow. And and that's a that's another
9:43
challenge I have. It's just years of consistency.
9:45
I just been even at the lowest times where I was like not
9:49
eating and I had no money for food or to pay a bill or to do
9:53
anything, I still found a way to keep the editing software alive.
9:57
The, the, the, the, the software to make thumbnails, the, the
10:02
software to stream using other people's software of just
10:06
finding ways to barter and make collaborations where it's like,
10:09
hey, let's do this so I can at least stay afloat And like
10:13
making these sacrifices or just like being at the mercy of other
10:17
people so that I can make a couple bucks to try to at least
10:20
keep it afloat and not quit. And, and to do all that and to
10:25
grind and push and still teach myself how to edit and, and
10:28
video edit and audio edit and learning the, the behind the
10:32
scenes aspect of this podcast 'cause I can't afford someone to
10:34
do it for me. So like, I'm a one man band.
10:37
Like I, I'm not, I, I wasn't tech savvy.
10:40
I don't know how to video edit. I don't know how to sync things.
10:43
I don't know how to make thumbnails.
10:44
I don't know the insurance and outs of social media.
10:47
I just post. And I hope people genuinely see
10:49
the art and they see the grind and they see the passion, and
10:53
you put all of that in and you're consistent and like, just
10:56
be consistent. People will find you.
10:57
People will find you. And I tried to grow within my
10:59
local community and it's just nobody, nobody gave a shit, you
11:03
know what I mean? Like I work with local business,
11:06
I work with other creators or artists or musicians and
11:09
everyone's kind of on their own path and their own level and
11:12
they care about them and they're not going to put you over.
11:17
And once again, I'm not angry or bitter or upset.
11:19
I was for a long time, but it's just like that's their journey.
11:22
And, and not everyone has the same vision of you of growing
11:25
together. And not everyone's going to be
11:27
like, let's do this. And I support you, like you
11:29
support me. And that's just, it's just not
11:31
how things work. So that that was another thing
11:33
too, is like, why am I even doing this?
11:35
Why am I making podcasts and interviewing people and and and
11:38
so passionate about their stories and their art and what
11:40
they do and then how they grow when?
11:43
I'm not even like on their radar of like someone who's trying to
11:46
give them a showcase or a platform.
11:48
And that that was frustrating and that almost made me quit a
11:51
couple times. I was just like, is this what I
11:53
want to do? Do I want to keep investing in
11:55
everyone and not myself? Do I want to keep doing this?
11:58
Because every time I I leaned into just me and I would talk to
12:02
people and I would go out and meet people and I would just
12:04
have a genuine. Conversation, it was fine and
12:07
people liked it and then but the second I was like, I do a
12:10
podcast and it's called this and then it's called this and then
12:12
this one's called this and this one's called this, I can audibly
12:16
see people shut off in front of me.
12:18
Like I'm very good at reading people and talking to people and
12:22
having that vibe with people where it's like I, I can see
12:26
like a flow. It's like a, it's like a chess
12:28
match or it's like a 10. It's like tennis or badminton or
12:31
whatever you play where like you serve and it comes back and then
12:34
you serve and then you hit and then it just bounced and back
12:37
and back and back. And there's an art form to it
12:40
and how I grew up playing sports and soccer and basketball and
12:43
football. Like I've kind of assimilated
12:45
that to a conversation and and. When I there was there's levels
12:49
where I say something or do something and I can read them of
12:52
being like, oh, that just turned them off.
12:54
That was a shutdown moment. And a lot of the Evers, every
12:56
time I said like here's my brands and here's what I do.
12:59
And then you have to go to this page and go to this page.
13:00
And I was like, this ain't going to work.
13:02
Like I have to, I have to adjust.
13:04
I have to, I have to make me the brand.
13:06
I have to believe in myself. Because if you don't believe in
13:08
yourself, no one else is going to.
13:10
And the second I went against my, my, my judgment of making me
13:15
the brand and listening to people like Alex Watt and and
13:17
people of like yo, you are the brand.
13:20
Not anyone else, not the people you're bringing up.
13:23
It's cool, you can still do stuff with people here and
13:24
there, but you need to lean into you, you need to talk and tell
13:28
people about you and, and, and have these conversations that we
13:31
have here. And then when you're on camera,
13:33
you're not just pushing over the team or the brand or the thing
13:36
you're talking about, like add the elements of you to it.
13:38
And that's what I'm trying to do right now, even with this
13:41
podcast is, is bring you me. And even if people don't like
13:45
it, like this is super therapeutic for me just to talk
13:48
and get it out there and. Even like earlier when I'm being
13:51
interrupted every 5 seconds, I'm getting frustrated.
13:53
But that's just part of it, right?
13:55
Like that's just the deal and I and I have to just not take
13:59
things so personal and just kind of do me.
14:04
Another big thing that struggled with me was money coming in but
14:07
not going. I'm coming out, going out, but
14:09
not coming in and I'm still there.
14:10
I'm still investing a lot of time and effort and money.
14:14
To create content and there's not much return on investment.
14:17
The, the memberships aren't there.
14:18
The T-shirts don't sell the merchandise is there.
14:20
And sometimes every now and then when they do sell, it does come
14:23
at a time where it's really helpful.
14:25
Like, oh shit, something broke or I want to upgrade or I want
14:28
to do this. Our canvas about to come out and
14:30
I need to make thumbnails and I don't have the money for it.
14:33
So oh shit, somebody brought some T-shirts.
14:35
Cool. That'll pay for camera for
14:36
another month like so that I, I kind of just stay afloat here
14:39
and there. But I'm definitely in the red
14:42
when it comes to what I've invested to what I brought in
14:46
and I'm fine with that. I generally am.
14:48
I love this equipment. I love what I have now.
14:50
It has taken me now eight years to be where I'm at right now.
14:55
So I know you guys aren't you, you're, you're watching this or
14:58
you're listening to this. But I'm, I'm talking on a brand
14:59
new microphone I just got, I just got these really nice shore
15:02
microphones. So before, like I had really
15:04
nice shore mics, but they weren't travel friendly.
15:06
They were like at home podcast studio mics.
15:09
And now I have these travel friendly, high quality
15:11
microphones I'm talking into. I have cameras that are super
15:13
high quality that can fit in your pocket.
15:15
I have a podcast set up mixing board that's literally the size
15:19
of my hand that I can run a power bank that you would charge
15:22
your phone and and record for hours.
15:24
Like I can bring this anywhere. I have a little travel bag with
15:27
wheels and I throw everything in there with the cables and
15:29
everything. And I don't even need a power
15:31
source. I can just go.
15:33
And that's so much fucking fun and it's so cool and I love it.
15:37
I love it so much. And I'm like right where I want
15:39
to be. And now this is now.
15:40
Like I said, this is the time to.
15:42
To push and and not quit. You're there and, and you know,
15:47
and, and just going back to another moment.
15:50
Sorry, I'm, I'm trying to be positive and not all just
15:52
negative with this whole thing. But the another big one is just
15:56
like feeling, feeling like what's the point?
15:59
Like who cares you're fucking That's just like you're my
16:02
Italian Irish self doubt where you're not popular.
16:05
You're not. No one gives a shit about what
16:07
you think. No one cares about what you say.
16:10
And then I go out and I talk to people and they're like, hey,
16:11
man, like I just want to let you know, like your drive and your
16:14
push inspired inspired me to do what I wanted to do.
16:16
Whether it's this or whether it's that or hey, man, I've been
16:19
listening to your podcast or I get Adm from someone from a
16:22
different state or country or part of the world.
16:24
And they're like, you inspired me.
16:26
I like you what you do. I like how you push.
16:29
I like how you're real. I like how you keep yourself
16:31
balanced and, and you're honest with yourself, but honestly, but
16:35
you, you stay genuine. And, and I hear moments like
16:38
that and I hear people tell me things like that.
16:40
And man, that, that fucking that lights a fire to me sometimes
16:44
that feedback is so needed in in times where I'm just like,
16:47
what's the fucking point? I should quit.
16:49
And man, yeah, thank you. If you're the person who bought
16:54
a T-shirt or subscribed or reached out or you remember my
16:57
Discord or you generally watch my content and comment and like
17:03
and just like share it and you're just there.
17:05
Or you come to wrestling shows and you support or like it just
17:09
means the fucking world. And I do have so many good
17:11
people in that cult of ABJ of just like you know who you are.
17:14
I can do a whole podcast and just each member of you and what
17:17
you mean to me, but it's just like, that is another reason why
17:21
I didn't quit when I wanted to. I have somebody out there who
17:24
has my fucking logo tattooed on their body like.
17:28
How do you? How do you?
17:29
Fucking quit and invest all this time, effort and money and lose
17:32
your fucking best friend, your wife, your dog, your house, your
17:37
job, your car. Go back to fucking 0 in your
17:40
late 30s and someone fucking believes in you enough to tattoo
17:45
your fucking initials on their body and you've never met them
17:51
and but they believe in you, they believe in your art, they
17:53
believe in who you are. That's fucking powerful, man.
17:56
Like wow, like. How do you fucking?
18:00
Quit, like even if you want to. How can you when you have that
18:04
like that one person or two people or a handful of people
18:08
who just genuinely fucking believe in you?
18:10
I'm trying not to get emotional. I'm trying not to tear up and
18:12
cry like a little baby, like a little bitch.
18:15
But yeah, other moments that really push me to, to not want
18:21
to quit. And I'm not telling you these
18:22
things to do it or to quit or to give up on your dreams.
18:26
I'm just trying to show you that you're not alone in your
18:29
journey, whether you're whether it's living life, whether it's
18:33
your job, whether it's anything you're pushing your abilities or
18:37
your creativeness to, or you want to start something
18:41
creative, or you don't want to live a nine to five mundane
18:45
life. And you outside of that nine to
18:47
five mundane life, you want a hobby, you want something to say
18:50
is yours. You want to leave a legacy, you
18:52
want to create something that goes into the universe.
18:54
Like to me, that's important. I can't be a person who just
18:57
does a nine to five forever, comes home, watches TV, goes to
19:00
bed and just does work again the next day.
19:02
I want to go have experiences. I want to have stories.
19:05
Like people like, dude, you're so full of shit, dude, how do
19:07
you have all these stories? Because I put myself in the
19:09
world to have them. I, I can't just sit around.
19:12
I have to, I want to go experience things.
19:14
I want to, I, I just, I need that.
19:17
I need that excitement, I need that thrill.
19:19
I need that, you know, just go figure something out or dive
19:23
into a a lifestyle or a community or a job or a scene
19:28
and just learn about it. I fucking love that.
19:31
Like it drives me. It motivates like the wrestling
19:33
thing, man, Like that scene and behind this, that's a whole
19:36
nother podcast for a future episode.
19:38
But like, that whole scene is just learning about it and
19:40
experiencing things is so fascinating.
19:44
You have to be careful what you talk about because you don't
19:46
want to kill the business or protect bad people.
19:48
That's essentially why people say that.
19:51
Yeah. So creative burnout is another
19:54
huge thing. So when you're when you're
19:56
creating and you're putting all this stuff out there and you're
19:58
and you're you're grinding and it's just not hitting or you
20:01
feel stuck or you feel lost or you're wondering if this style
20:04
is going to work or that style is going to work.
20:05
I just kind of want to dive into that.
20:07
So different styles, man. I just.
20:09
You know oh I'm I'm doing the knock on high school 1 and I'm
20:12
putting so much effort into it, but the banging beers 1 is like
20:16
I'm just drinking and hanging out with friends and people are
20:18
vibing to it. So why the fuck am I putting all
20:20
this effort into this one with this one?
20:21
Well, I have 6 people who really like this one and they don't
20:24
like the beer, but I want that person to be involved.
20:26
All the wrestling ones really blowing up, but these people
20:28
don't like wrestling. Oh well, I got a fucking take
20:32
more time away from my personal life to make this a thing
20:34
because it's content is right here and right now doing better.
20:37
And that that was a struggle of like trying to balance it all.
20:41
And I was just like, for the most part, why can't I just push
20:45
it all together? I wish I would have had that
20:46
back in the day where I just pushed it all together.
20:48
But it was mostly like, I didn't want to feel like I had a ego
20:51
and just make make it my name and my brand and be like, well,
20:53
welcome to the ABJ show. And here's all of my Co hosts
20:57
that are here for me. And the branding is me.
20:59
And it's me, me, me, me, me. I just, I didn't want to be that
21:02
way. I wanted to be a team effort.
21:04
But yeah, it was it was tough. It was difficult of just trying
21:08
to find a style that works and find what's hitting and not
21:12
hitting and what's popular or not popular.
21:14
But also staying true to myself of not chasing trends or just
21:18
grifting online, grifting where you don't even really care about
21:21
what you're fucking talking about.
21:22
But you know, it's a talking point people are going to want.
21:24
And that's what the algorithms want you to do.
21:25
And everyone's making that piece of content and everyone's
21:28
searching it. You just you add your name to
21:30
the hot and hopefully your name gets strong where somebody finds
21:33
your video because you're all talking about the same thing,
21:35
but you don't even really fucking care about it.
21:37
You're just kind of regurgitating everyone else's
21:40
bullshit and putting your spin on it.
21:42
And that's I didn't want to do that either.
21:43
Like I and if I did do that, I wanted to be passionate about
21:46
what I was talking about. So what came through?
21:48
Like I'm a fucking Ninja Turtles fan.
21:50
I'm a Batman fan. I like horror movies.
21:52
So if 100 people are talking about this brand new movie,
21:55
sure, I should probably be part of that trend.
21:57
But at least in that trend, it's something I care about.
21:59
It's not just fucking doing it because that's what is popular
22:03
and there's nothing wrong with people who do that.
22:05
Like I'm not judging people if that's your style of content and
22:07
that's what you do. And and I'm, I'm not attacking
22:10
anyone. It's just not for me.
22:12
And that's where I struck. I struggle because what I want
22:15
and what I want to do in the art I want to make is not hitting.
22:17
And I'm aware it's not going to hit, you know what I mean?
22:20
And that's I stayed true to my art.
22:22
Or do I succumb and become whatever one wants you to be so
22:27
you can grow. And that's stuff that's tough
22:29
too. And just feeling stuck or lost
22:32
in that process of, you know, your mental health is going to
22:35
take a dip. Your, your creativity is going
22:38
to take a dip. You're, you're, you're going to
22:39
be like, is my fucking, I'm putting all this effort into it
22:42
and it's all this money and all this time away from all these
22:46
people and they don't want to be around me and I'm losing
22:48
everything. And the fuck am I doing this for
22:51
him? Like when I went through my
22:52
divorce, I, I, I literally in this room, I'm here now with my
22:55
old like living room that I had personalized for growing up and
22:59
it turned into like a, a space. And then I moved back in and it
23:02
was filled with just hoarder yarn and, and just craziness.
23:09
And I cleaned it all out and I made it my space again.
23:12
And I remember I put all that work in and I, my body wasn't
23:15
good. I was, I was struggling, my
23:16
mental health was gone. I was going through divorce.
23:18
I miss my dog, I miss my, my ex-wife.
23:20
I miss my life. I miss my house.
23:21
I miss my, my space. I was in an uncomfortable spot
23:25
with people I didn't really want to be around or I was struggling
23:27
with if we were even good compatible to be around each
23:30
other. Tensions of that and, and, and
23:33
living in a household that I just worked so hard to get away
23:35
from. And now I'm back and doing it
23:38
for the, you know, betterment of my family to help out and try to
23:41
help them get along. And the, the world's tough and
23:44
everything's expensive and you can't really go do anything.
23:46
And how hard to make money in my small town and get ahead without
23:51
killing yourself or breaking your body to do so, which I
23:54
physically couldn't do. It was hard.
23:56
It was really hard. And I was just sitting there and
23:58
I'm I'm, I'm like contemplating horrible thoughts of like, I
24:02
just want to give up everything. I don't want to be around.
24:04
I want to stop. Like what the fuck am I doing
24:07
this for? Like I'm I just got fucking 3
24:09
views on this video. No one watched it and you, you
24:12
invested 2 hours of editing and and and sacrifice and time
24:16
putting the guests together and the guests you even had didn't
24:19
even fucking share it. What are you doing?
24:21
Why are you fucking doing this to yourself?
24:24
That's that's hard. That's really hard.
24:26
That was that's probably the biggest 1 is when you're like,
24:31
man, I really just man, it's hard.
24:34
It's it's and I had to just not I had to bury it.
24:37
I had to say like, who cares what other people?
24:39
I don't care if my guest doesn't share it.
24:41
I'm passionate about them. I put the energy to say that,
24:44
man, I really like you. I want to hear your story.
24:46
I'm passionate about you and whether you fucking care about
24:49
me or not, I'm happy of our conversation.
24:51
I'm happy of what we put together.
24:53
I'm happy with that. That conversation is art to me.
24:56
The way I structured it, the way I kept it going, the way I made
24:59
the back and forth connection to you is probably nothing, but to
25:02
me it meant the world. And I had to stop caring who
25:06
watched it because it was to me. It was something I can go back
25:09
and rewatch. And for me, I was proud of it.
25:11
And I had to be more proud of my moments and me more proud of my
25:14
structure and more proud of what I've come through and where I've
25:16
been and proud of going through the struggles and going through
25:20
the loss and going through what I went through and being like,
25:23
man, it made me so much stronger as a human.
25:28
But yeah, real life pressures get involved where your work,
25:32
your life, your mental health, your relationships, your energy,
25:35
feeling like your content is not real.
25:39
It's not going to be real life stability.
25:41
Like you're, you're getting older.
25:42
Are you going to be a fucking YouTube at 60 years old?
25:45
You're going to be YouTube at 70.
25:46
You're, you're, you're, you're about to turn 40 years old this
25:49
year. This is the halfway point of
25:51
your life. Is this what you want to be?
25:53
Is this is like, is this the young man's game?
25:56
And then you go and research, you're like, Nah, man.
25:57
There's people my age and older doing it and they're passionate
26:00
and they're, they're hungry and people are connecting to it and
26:03
they're finding their tribe. I think they look, I think
26:05
people look at the young man game side of content creating
26:07
and they're like, oh, well, that's what all content spaces
26:10
is, all young people. And it's not.
26:12
There's tons of different age groups and people and there's so
26:16
many fucking humans out there. You just got to find yours and
26:19
it'll come. It'll fucking come.
26:21
And yeah, just finding people that you relate to is hard.
26:27
Finding your people is hard, finding your supporters are
26:29
hard. But when you find them, man is
26:32
it rewarding. Self doubt is another one I
26:37
struggle with early on, even with the wrestling space and
26:40
going to shows and making content and walking in and being
26:44
kind of ashamed of being the content creator and podcaster
26:48
and being 30 some years old. It, it was embarrassing.
26:51
I was ashamed of it. I, I, I didn't feel like I was
26:54
worth people's time. Like why am I bothering people?
26:57
Like because everyone else around me, I just watched how
27:00
other content creators conducted themselves and the way they went
27:02
about things and the way they talked about themselves and the
27:04
way they over inflated themselves and made themselves
27:07
feel like they were these big stars.
27:09
In reality, they really weren't in a in a drop of the bucket of
27:12
things. I guess I zoom out too much.
27:14
Like I look at like the world and a grain of sand and I zoom
27:17
out, Google Earth and zoom out and zoom out and zoom out and
27:19
I'm like, nobody gives a fuck. Like you're a speck of dust in a
27:23
universe and you think you're that fucking important and that
27:26
sucks. Like, are you even good at what
27:28
you do? This person's so much better.
27:31
This person's has nicer stuff. This personally comparing
27:34
yourself to others and just feeling like you're behind the 8
27:36
ball all the time, like you're never going to grow and just
27:39
really comparing yourself to others and questioning if you're
27:42
talented or questioning if this is something for you that that's
27:46
tough. That's really hard.
27:47
That's another reason why so many people quit or want to quit
27:50
or they, they come across that as a content creator.
27:54
And yeah, that's, that's a real, that's a real hard pill to
27:59
swallow. Or like you enter.
28:01
A room. As a content creator in like a
28:03
wrestling space and you're like, oh, this is a legend of the
28:08
business. And then he's like, listen, man,
28:09
I, I, I do these podcasts and you guys are fucking jabronis
28:12
and I fucking hate all of you. And I wish all these would go
28:15
away. And you're like, I just want to
28:17
capture your story. It's like, well, I'm sick of
28:18
telling my same story over and over and over again and, and,
28:22
and their mind and their grand scheme of things.
28:24
Like I do the same 5 questions on the same podcast over and
28:28
over and over again. And I agree with them and that's
28:31
annoying and that's boring. But not every podcast has the
28:34
same audience. There's so many humans out there
28:37
and every time someone hears your story, it's not you.
28:40
Just kind of think in yourself, isolated ecosystem and echo
28:44
chamber and bubble, that your six people are listening to your
28:47
six interviews over and over and over again.
28:49
But then that may be the case. But the person you're giving
28:52
your time to has also acquired an audience.
28:55
And you, it's the first time ever heard of you have talked
28:57
about you. And you have to kind of humble
28:59
yourself to do that too. And but it's hard to explain
29:02
that to people and, and, and without coming off as a Dick or,
29:06
you know, hey, man, just like, slow the fuck down.
29:09
But yeah, yeah, content, content creation, reality, most people
29:17
quit. And you know, it's the invisible
29:20
stuff that people don't realize or the stuff, the kind of
29:22
moments that I just went through wrestling, that's the same
29:26
thing. You work so hard to train and,
29:28
and put your character out there and, and you realize that
29:30
there's so many people chasing the same apple and there's not
29:34
enough apples for everybody. But do you say, well, do I want
29:38
to put the work in to fight for that apple?
29:41
Or do I just quit and go find something else or just fall in
29:44
line? Or like they like the movies of
29:50
Roddy Piper and they live, just fall in line.
29:53
Get in, get in line, get in the cog, do your job, make the world
29:56
keep spinning and don't try to step out of it.
29:59
And don't be creative and don't chase that one apple.
30:04
There's a lot of apples out there.
30:05
You just have your sights set on just that one that everyone's
30:08
chasing. Go find your own field.
30:10
Go get your own seed, plant your own tree.
30:12
It's going to take a lot more work and a lot more grind and a
30:15
lot more passion and desire, but I promise you, it's there.
30:19
Anything you create, anything you want to do, it's you'd stop
30:23
comparing yourself to other people.
30:24
Stop putting yourself in these mental barriers.
30:26
Your, your mind is your own worst enemy.
30:28
And I had to learn that through self help books and researching
30:31
and just kind of personal loss and struggles.
30:35
It's it's coming and most people are right there.
30:39
They're right there and they quit right before they do it.
30:43
Every single celebrity I've researched, every single success
30:46
story I've listened to or everything I've ever dove into,
30:50
they all say, man, like I was going to quit.
30:52
And I'll tell you what, that's right.
30:53
Now I should have. But if I didn't, I wouldn't be
30:57
right here right now. You listening to this interview,
31:00
you researching me, finding out how I got here.
31:02
It's 'cause I just didn't quit. I stuck through it.
31:04
It took ten, 20-30 years. It took some people 3 minutes,
31:09
you know, But it just, your journey is different from
31:11
everybody else. And yeah, and that's kind of the
31:14
turning point, you know, why I didn't quit?
31:18
Because of people like you who are going into your ear holes
31:21
and your eyes right now. Thank you.
31:23
This is when it sucks. And I struggle with all this.
31:26
The handful of people who do watch this, like I'll, I'll Razz
31:30
Ted Collette. Collette will DM me every single
31:34
time she listens to a podcast. And I don't always respond
31:37
because I'm busy or I have so much going on.
31:38
And I, I apologize. I'm not ignoring you, But I want
31:40
you to know that those messages mean the world and everyone else
31:43
who DMS me if it seems like I'm ignoring you or comment
31:45
sections. It's just I have so much going
31:47
on I struggle and it's nothing personal and please don't take
31:50
it that way. But like you telling me 6 or 7
31:53
moments of the podcast that stood out to you or why you
31:55
liked it or leaving a comment like it's like all right keep
31:58
going. That's amazing.
32:00
You've invested so much into me. You know what I'm saying?
32:02
And that means the world moments.
32:06
I I've had so many fucking crazy moments and reconnections with
32:10
people I love and did things that I would never have done if
32:13
I would have quit, like in world of wrestling and content
32:17
creating and recording in locations that I would have
32:19
never dreamed of it. Between recording in haunted
32:22
prisons or breweries or being invited to a a a a brewery that
32:27
you respects millionth can of their most popular beer.
32:30
They want you as a content creator to be there being
32:33
welcomed into wrestling shows and wrestling conventions and
32:36
hosting wrestling conventions and being welcomed to part of
32:39
creative teams and, and and having moments where you're in
32:42
battle Royals. Our wrestlers are wearing your
32:45
merchandise while they're in death matches and bleeding all
32:47
over your white T-shirt. Being a part of WrestleMania
32:50
weekend and in in Philadelphia, PA and the like.
32:54
The home of the one of the biggest wrestling cities in the
32:56
world with one of the coolest wrestling stores, Suplex Vintage
33:00
Wrestling, believing in you and paying you more money than
33:03
you've ever made in your entire life and giving you a weekly
33:05
paycheck just to fucking make art because they believe in you,
33:08
man. That doesn't happen.
33:10
The friendships, the connections I made with people like Raz over
33:13
in Australia who him and his wife paid for me to go to
33:16
fucking London for a week. So go my first ever wrestling
33:20
pay-per-view in Wembley Stadium, which is a stadium that like was
33:23
a fucking dream come true. I got to walk on the pitch of
33:27
Wembley Stadium. I got to see my first wrestling
33:31
pay-per-view. I got to watch my two favorite
33:33
wrestlers at the time, Adam Cole and MJF main open the show and
33:36
close the show like and, and, and that weekend we lost Terry
33:40
Funk and Bray Wyatt and, and, and like, it was sad, but it was
33:45
like, man, I'm fucking here. I'm I'm, I'm walking the streets
33:48
The Beatles walked. I'm, I'm in England.
33:50
I'm at the birth place of fucking punk rock in Camden.
33:53
Like I'm touching the Amy Winehouse statue.
33:55
I'm seeing David Bowie, Muriel's like I'm, I'm, I'm walking
33:59
across Abbey Road. I'm in Abbey Road studios.
34:02
Like that doesn't happen if I fucking quit.
34:05
That doesn't happen if I turn this microphone off or learn how
34:08
to edit or grind or go into a Discord when I don't want to
34:12
fucking talk to people and I want to sell self isolate.
34:16
But I just go into a discord community and I'm there to talk
34:18
to someone who needs it for 1520 minutes.
34:20
I I'm it doesn't. I don't have none of those
34:23
moments happen without you and without you not quitting or not
34:27
believing in yourself. You know what quitting feels
34:31
like you probably revolved on it.
34:33
We've all quit so many times. I quit the football team.
34:36
I worked so hard to be a kicker and I wanted to break a school
34:39
record and it sounds stupid, but I wanted that fucking school
34:41
record. I, I wish I would have fucking
34:43
just stuck it out and hopefully they would have gave me a shot
34:46
or I could have went out there and did something And just, even
34:48
if I was a fucking bench warmer, like maybe they'll give me the
34:51
shot and I can just fucking put one through.
34:53
Because I knew if they put the ball in front of me, I was going
34:55
to kick the fucking laces off that ball.
34:57
And I would have had a school record and I would have had my
34:59
little part of history and legacy and my moment that people
35:03
would have remembered. Maybe two or three people would
35:05
have remembered for the next 10 years and two people remembering
35:08
your name. It's a cool idea and a cool
35:10
thought. And I quit, and I quit jobs and
35:13
I quit relationships and I quit friendships and I quit your
35:17
dreams and I quit all of that. And I was.
35:19
So it's so easy to quit. You can just fucking say fuck
35:22
it, I quit and then just move on to the next thing.
35:24
As an ADHD person, man, it's super easy to fucking quit
35:27
because I'll just immediately latch on to something else and
35:30
keep going. But growing that foundation and
35:33
building something, I can't at this point, I can't.
35:36
I built so much, I've laid so many bricks down, I've cleared
35:39
out so much debris and rubble. I built something fresh like and
35:42
I've torn it down to rebuilt it again.
35:44
Like with the things I've learned from the past, evolving
35:49
instead of stopping is huge. And don't fucking do it.
35:53
Just that's the biggest thing. Find what you're passionate
35:56
about, find what you love, whether it's even it's like
35:58
raising your kids or just fucking being with someone you
36:01
care about or anything. If it means something to you,
36:05
don't quit it. Research, take a step back,
36:08
breathe, listen to a self help book, find something, go to
36:12
therapy, talk to someone. I mean, I don't do it with
36:14
therapy, but I probably should. This is my therapy.
36:16
You guys are my therapy. This microphone is my therapy.
36:21
But don't, don't fucking quit. I promise you, cool things are
36:25
coming. Quitting is always an option,
36:28
but living with it is definitely worse.
36:31
A lot of people fall and they fail.
36:34
They just don't stop. And and they're the ones you
36:37
listen about and they're the ones you learn about and they're
36:39
the ones who are willing to do that extra step that you're not
36:42
willing to do. And that's why they're there.
36:44
And then when you get there, you're going to have people who
36:46
doubt you saying, man, you got lucky, man, you don't deserve
36:49
it, but they don't know what your path was.
36:51
And then when you get to that level, don't quit again because
36:53
someone's talent, because you're believing in this fake bullshit
36:57
that people are telling you. You worked hard, you're still
36:59
here, you're trying, you're already ahead of most people
37:02
because you want to do it and because you've tried and you
37:05
because you bought the thing that you want to create with.
37:10
Yeah, it's it's important. It's really important.
37:16
If, if, if you showed up here today and you made it this far.
37:20
Thank you thank you for supporting the links are below.
37:24
You can follow me on all social media.
37:25
This room. I'm going to do this stupid
37:26
content creator thing and I'm finally going to look at the
37:28
camera a little bit because I I didn't I just zoomed.
37:30
I just zoomed out zone out and just talked.
37:33
This is essentially what these episodes are going to be when I
37:35
do solo ones. This is very vulnerable for me.
37:37
This is very hard. I, I, I, I'd never have really
37:42
done solo stuff like this and I hope it was good.
37:44
I hope it was enjoyable. I hope you got something out of
37:47
it. I'm gonna I'm gonna switch them
37:49
up every now and then You might see, you know, BP come out and
37:52
we do the history of insert wrestler or moment.
37:55
So there's gonna be some wrestling base ones.
37:57
There's gonna be me talking like this.
37:58
There's gonna be ones where I talk about a movie or pop
38:00
culture or something that's going on or maybe just me and
38:02
somebody else talk, pick up a topic and talk about it.
38:05
Maybe I interview people. I don't know.
38:07
I don't know what the the format of this is going to be and I
38:10
don't really want one. I know this is what you're
38:12
hearing now is definitely going to be the main driving force of
38:19
the podcast is me just kind of finding a topic, hitting record
38:23
and just talking until I no longer want to hear myself.
38:27
And, and, and, and that's going to be kind of the thing I do
38:32
have some ideas that I have out there.
38:33
So I have what I wish I knew in my 20s as a a topic.
38:41
Being the weird kid or the outsider growing up.
38:44
How wrestling has changed my life.
38:46
Why I've refused to be fake for success.
38:50
The truth about intrusive thoughts is there.
38:52
Depression doesn't always seem, doesn't always look like
38:55
sadness. The pressure of trying to make
38:58
your dreams work. How humor became my coping
39:01
mechanism. Learning to love and like
39:03
yourself. Why my podcast didn't blow up
39:06
small creator problems. No one talk about why I'm
39:10
building the cult of ABJ. So I have all these different
39:12
topics that I wrote down that I I want to talk about in the
39:15
future. This another one, the difference
39:18
between fame and respect for me, protecting your vision of your
39:22
brand. You know, that's just like 15
39:24
different ones I have written down.
39:26
So that's kind of what to look forward to in the future.
39:29
Go buy AT shirt. If you buy AT shirt, make sure
39:31
you tag me in it. The new website that I have
39:33
T-shirts on, I'm up. I'm allowed to have up to 15
39:36
products and then I can pay a $10 a month subscription and put
39:40
more. I don't think I need more than
39:41
50 products to be completely honest.
39:43
I will rotate things in and out. If it's winter time, I will
39:47
always leave T-shirts and hoodies up.
39:49
T-shirts, hoodies and snapback hats are not going anywhere.
39:51
And for the most part, stickers for the five.
39:54
What I will say the the main brand is the ABJ logo.
39:58
The five question with ABJ logo. The I love ABJ logo because
40:01
people really like it. The Cult of ABJ and the Sigil,
40:05
the ABJ sigil, those five things, 5 trend there are going
40:09
to be the main 5 things that won't go anywhere.
40:11
They're always going to have T-shirts, hoodies, patches and
40:17
stickers, magnets. And then every now and then I'll
40:19
throw in a bonus T-shirt for the month that you can check out
40:22
right now. The shirt that will go away at
40:24
the end of this month is going to be the ABJ hub.
40:27
Maybe I'll extend it another month because it's contents
40:29
coming out and people are going to be maybe listening to it or
40:31
going there. The ABJ hub, which is the
40:35
Pornhub logo, just not saying that is the main one the new
40:40
T-shirts are all going to have. If it's not an ABJ logo on the
40:43
shirt, the ABJ logo will be on the left sleeve.
40:46
If it's an ABJ logo, the left sleeve will have a keystone if
40:50
Pennsylvania keystone on it and every T-shirt on the tag will
40:53
have the Cult of ABJ logo on the inside of the shirt.
40:56
I think that's a cool feature. I like it.
40:58
I'm really pumped about these T-shirts, this branding, and any
41:01
time you buy something, it alerts me that I can see who
41:04
ordered it. I can see if it's tracking.
41:06
If you're like I can, I can be in contact with the customer of
41:09
the customer and the the company of like, yo, these people
41:13
haven't gotten their shit yet. Why are you taking so long like
41:15
before with other websites? I couldn't do that.
41:18
This is way better. And then I can do like
41:20
personalized cameos where when you order something, it tells me
41:23
you ordered it, what size and what you bought.
41:25
And I could be like, hey man, thank you so much for buying
41:27
this T-shirt in this color and I hope you really like it.
41:29
And I think that's really cool. And I'll share some of those
41:31
videos of me thanking people on my social media as but it will
41:34
be personally sent to you as well after you order something.
41:37
And I think that's very important to keep connected with
41:39
the people who are going to spend their hard earned money to
41:41
buy your stuff. There's also a donation tab if
41:44
you want to leave a tip or a donation that's available on my
41:47
merch page. So even if you don't want to buy
41:48
something and you're like, hey, I want to go and drop ABJ 5
41:51
bucks or 10 bucks and buy him a beer while he's out about.
41:55
You could do that. Tips and donations help more
41:57
than you know. Sometimes I go to wrestling
41:58
shows and I don't have money to eat and I show up and I work and
42:01
I come home and then I finally eat after 12/13/14 hours.
42:06
So yeah, that, that goes a long way.
42:07
It also has access to my YouTube and my tick tock and Instagram
42:10
are the three that are on there. But follow me on social media.
42:13
When you see a post of mine, don't just scroll by, hit like,
42:15
share it, like it, repost it. It goes a long way.
42:18
It helps. It helps more than you know.
42:20
Join the Discord community. If you don't like Discord, I
42:22
have a Facebook community. If you don't like Facebook or
42:24
Discord, I have a Patreon community.
42:26
The Patreon is very, very small. I have it just set right now for
42:29
general support. I don't even know what it looks
42:31
like. I, I think you can just click on
42:32
it for free or you can just say I want to donate a dollar or I
42:35
want to give you $15.00 a month or $1000 a month.
42:38
There's no tier system. It's whatever you want to do and
42:41
then you have access. I don't know what I'm going to
42:43
put on there when it comes to bonus stuff for people.
42:45
It's just like I said, a general support tab.
42:48
I do also have the YouTube one for 5 bucks is like the the you
42:51
can do a dollar or which is like general support and you get
42:55
stickers and a special thing for live streams or you do 5 bucks
42:58
and you get bonus content. So this will be a bonus content
43:01
for people for a few days before it draws for everybody else.
43:03
But I have months and months ahead of reviews of books and
43:06
beer and movies and five questions with people that if
43:10
you remember, you're going to see way before everybody else.
43:12
So I'm trying my best to stay ahead of content so people who
43:16
pay extra money get perks and rewards.
43:19
Maybe we'll do some giveaways with T-shirts or hoodies or
43:21
whatever it may be. But thank you all so much for
43:24
tuning in to the rebrand of ABJ and I hope you liked it.
43:29
I hope the solo podcast was fun. I hope it wasn't boring.
43:32
I hope my tone wasn't boring. Here's this is me self doubting
43:35
again. This is why I quit.
43:37
Don't do that. You did enjoy it.
43:39
I I fucking know you loved it because I'm amazing.
43:41
No, that's too much. Dial it back.
43:45
Thank you. Just seriously, if you made it
43:46
this far, thank you. I appreciate you.
43:48
I love you. I appreciate and like.
43:51
I hope to reach out and communicate with you and talk to
43:54
you in the comments section or in DMS.
43:56
It's always open. Let's have some conversations.
43:58
Let's grow. Let's have some fun.
44:00
We'll see you guys out there. Bye.