Latest / Shared Light / Ep. 28 - Coffee, Chaos & Keeping Calm
Transcript
- Dustie & JR: Greetings all. Welcome to another episode of Shared Light with Dusty and Jr. I am obviously JR. And I'm Dusty. How's it going? Good. We just woke up. We did just wake up. you're gonna be enjoying your coffee with us this morning, or afternoon or whenever you're listening. So if it's a little bit kinda weird, it's 'cause we're both having coffee and having a conversation. Decided to just wake up and have coffee with y'all. We spoke a little bit last episode about some of the chaos that we've been dealing with at our home. and just wanna update everybody. puppies are doing well. Mama is doing well. it's been a very interesting dynamic to say the least at home with four new puppies that right now aren't doing much, but I feel like they're probably gonna start exploring and getting out of their kennel as soon as they're able to walk and open their eyes and all that. Yeah, which should be starting this week, I think. So, but that segues us in a little bit into the topic of our episode today. which is dealing with chaos. how we deal with chaos. We and everybody, I feel like, will have moments in life when chaos takes the wheel and just what do you do, right? it's you just have to roll with it. Yeah, I mean you you you gotta you really do you have to there's not a lot you can do when it hits. we have to be able to roll with the punches and Sometimes you gotta take a good one in the mouth and get knocked down and dust yourself off and get back up and get after it, right? So and really this comes up because we had a very pleasant conversation with our kids last night. we had a movie night, watched the new Toy Story movie. And what was the other one that we watched? we watched Scary Movie. The new scary movie. The new scary movie. So, but after Toy Story, my kids were feeling very nostalgic. And they were telling us some stories that I don't know that we I didn't know a lot of them. Yeah, that we that we didn't we didn't really know. Just things they used to do when things that they remember about were like our old house and People we knew and Yeah, a lot of it was like, I didn't know that. But I mean it it really it got me thinking about some of those moments of when things get chaotic. I think back to the multiple times that I've flooded our house. Yeah. Which is why I don't get to do dishes anymore. Yeah. We've gotten better at the laundry. but yeah, I did not grow up with a dishwasher for context and full disclosure. You did. It was just your mom. She was the dishwasher. Yeah. so I I when we were and this was years. I mean years and years ago. It was It was probably fifteen or so years ago. Yeah. Cause it was it was a while after we had been married. When you flooded the You flooded the washer and the dishes. I did also flood flood the washer in that house. Which I don't know what happened with the washer, honestly. But I know that in the dishwasher it was 'cause you said I put the wrong soap in it. You put Dawn in there instead of dishwashing. So, yeah, I That was pretty chaotic in the moment. I remember being really frantic because I was not sure where all these bubbles and water was coming from. think I deal with chaos better now, but in that moment it was very and I well I think it also kind of depends on the situation. Yeah. I think if it involves the kids we respond differently than if it is just like, something happened to the dishwasher or something happened out in the garage or, The dogs got out or something, but Yeah, no, I I was trying to be a good husband. I was trying to do dishes. You were trying. I started the dishwasher and then I don't know, ten minutes later, probably, I just started seeing all these bubbles come out of the kitchen. I was trying to clean the kitchen, that's what I was trying to do. which I did. I did a really good clean on the kitchen. Clean the floor. Yeah. The whole floor was full of bubbles. It was clean. yeah, I just remember not really knowing how to how to deal with it in the moment. Do I stop it? Do I like what is going on? Like it was just I didn't know what was going on was the thing. I think I had to deal with that. I think you were at work. I think I called you. I don't remember. It's too long ago. Yeah, which is why I again I don't do dishes. I mean I've done them once, maybe twice since then. Nah, it's been more than. No? Well, and I can't do them by hand 'cause it's the whole food thing. It grosses me up. Yeah. You and our oldest cannot do the dishes. but that was just one thing that kind of popped out to me. I started thinking about as my kids were telling me about some of the stuff that they've done and how they reacted. my daughter specifically told us a story about trying to create lip gloss. Jelly lip cloths. Yeah, with a with a what was it was a lipstick? Mm-hmm. And then making this mess and not knowing how to handle it and knowing what to do and trying to wash hands and Now we know why the dresser is stained red. Yeah. And why the sink was stained red for the long time? But it's just those funny stories that you think about that get you thinking about like how do we react when we start having some things fall off the rails. Yeah, and not only that, but how are we showing our kids how to react to when things don't go as planned. and perfect segue, right? The whole puppy thing with It was one of those moments where I mean, if anything's gonna be chaotic, it's that moment when a puppy gets stuck and what do you do? I'm you were in chaos mode. I was in chaos mode and I was very much trying to formulate a plan of what are we doing? How are we gonna get this resolved? What is happening with the dog? And you went in just straight action mode. Yeah. In that s in that particular instance. Yeah, I go into just do. I think I'm that way with the kids too though. When, if there's a situation When our youngest when she was little, a baby, and starting eating, real food, she choked a lot. she choked on everything that she ate. She did. She choked on chips. She choked on cereal. She choked on It didn't matter. But she told a story of choking on a hot dog. But she would choke every time she ate. So for other people they probably went into chaos like chaos panic mode. But for me it was straight, I just automatically know. right into action mode and like helping her out because when it comes to the kids or I mean our dogs are babies, so when something's wrong, it's like my brain just goes, fix it, deal with it, handle it, do what you have to do. Like get the puppy out, get the food out. I think in some instances you're that way. And like I said, it really depends on the situation. I think there have been moments in time when it has been reversed. Yeah. Yeah, I think it also depends on the severity of it. Because when our youngest chokes or whatever, I was already used to that. I know that she's going to no matter what she eats. But if it's something out of my control and completely unexpected and it's something major, somebody broke something, like a bone or their life is in danger, then I'm completely panic mode. Yeah. And I think you are opposite because you see my panic. So you go into calm mode, Well and I my response is I may panic, but my response is always my brain is firing off a hundred different ways of like what do we need to do to resolve this? it is very much trying to formulate whatever plan of direction that we're headed. Yeah. So that we can head that direction. But I there's pros and cons to that, I feel like. I mean too much of that I think could be detrimental to whatever's happening. Yeah. I'm trying to think of if there was any situation where we both went into chaos mode. I think we've been pretty lucky in the sense that We kinda balance. One or the other ends up keeping the other one grounded. Yeah. And again, I think for you it really is dependent on Number one, who it is. Mm-hmm. And to your point, how severe it is. Yeah. I am blessed enough to have been through enough trauma that I can detach myself from the moment. Yeah. And just look at everything that's happening. Yeah, I think you detach a little bit and you go right into not only like trying to fix it, but also trying to make sure everybody else is okay. Like I'm okay. The kids are okay. Although I did the poll puppy thing, I did panic a little bit just 'cause my daughter was freaking out. Mm-hmm. I didn't want anything to happen. And that was my biggest fear is crap, these dogs are gonna die. This is gonna be so traumatic for her. Yeah. But I mean even then it was I was panicking, but I was trying to figure out are we taking her to the vet? Are we not taking her to the vet? What are we doing? No, we're not. But You it's good to look back on these th I mean you you think about anything in your life, right? Anything in your life, let's pick a just an an example out of the air. You plan a trip, which we have done a lot of these, right? Plan a trip. You're planning on going to, Disneyland, Vegas, wherever, whatever your choice of vacation is, right? And you've got All of these plans about, what time you're leaving in the airport, what time you're leaving this, what time you're getting here, you know, run it through the gambit of the whole vacation. You've got things that you're wanting to do. I would venture to say that there's a pretty good chance that something's gonna go wrong. Yeah. you're gonna get up late and now you're frantic trained to get to the airport. Mm-hmm. You're gonna miss a flight. You're going to hit your flight, but get stuck over, laying over somewhere and miss your second flight. Yeah. Something's gonna go wrong with your rental car. Yeah. Your room's not ready or they double booked the room or something. Yeah. I mean, we had that happen when we went to Disneyland. When we took the girls. Yeah. It wasn't anything with the flight hotel, but it was they absolutely had a meltdown at Disneyland and only enjoyed it for about an hour. Yeah, it was planned or imagined. I will say that I don't buy into the happiest place on earth motive. I think they were too young. They were three and two, I believe, so it was just very overwhelming. And for two kids that I mean, we don't have them out in the public very often. So it I think it was just overwhelming for them. But I mean we we navigated it. We ended up doing a lot of other things. they enjoyed so well and it does but it does breed the question like what and you know for the listeners, I mean think about it. I c we can speak to no end on how our Stress reactions are. Call them knee jerk reactions. What is your what do you think yours your your knee jerk reaction is? I don't it's so different depending. I don't have just one. See, for me I think I think I'm the fixer, I would say. Yeah, I would say you're the fixer. I think that's my my initial however that looks, mm-hmm. that's my go to. How are we fixing it? Yeah. I would say I'm a mix of I it just depends, I guess, for me. I panic, I fix, I worry. I'm probably the worrier more than anything. I don't think I'm just one. Well, and that's probably a healthy way to be, I would say. I mean everybody has a default, I would say. I I think Yeah. If I was To pinpoint your default, I would say that you You sometimes you shut down. Yeah. I do that too. I I think I'm just all of because some people become like the Joker. Like it's funny. And not that I'm like laughing at people, but there are two things I will always laugh is when people throw up and I don't know why. That's always my reaction is I'll laugh. And when people fall or run into something. our daughter the other day, our oldest, she stubbed her toe on something and I mean she wasn't her pads, but she stubbed her toe pretty good and I was just laughing. But that's like I don't have control of it. This is like when people throw up. Even when the kids throw up when they were little, I would laugh. Not because I think it's funny, but it's just an automatic I think I'm just a little bit of all of them. Depending on the situation. Well, and it's it's an outside stressor that which we talked a little bit about this. I think we've talked about the last couple episodes, right? Where you start getting some of these things go wrong and it creates all this added pressure and stress and now unknown is basically what it is, right? Mm-hmm. And there's a real potential there to like start arguing and start going at each other. Yeah. Because it's high tension. I mean there's a lot of tension in the air and you're trying to figure out what the best plan of action is or I mean I see it all the time. Yeah. Even with some of the people that we've gone to do stuff with. Like things get a little bit Yeah not planned and they're arguing. Yeah. And we're just kinda sitting there like, what do we do? I find myself I I feel like I do that a lot more. than you do. if we're out doing something or I think more when the kids were little too, because I take on the stress of the kids aren't behaving and people are gonna get annoyed and, we're still here waiting for our table to get ready or and the kids are acting a fool and they're screaming and, so I take on a lot of that. And so I think I probably not that we argue about it, but Like you're my person, you're my safe place. So a lot of that goes directed to you when we're in those situations because I mean, because you're my person. You know what I mean? Not that I'm trying to argue with you, but I am overwhelmed and stressed with everything going on that I can't control. And so I probably push a lot of that onto you or have. Yeah. I mean I don't know. I I mean I'm pretty chill, so I don't really care. Yeah, I know. I know you don't. and I I really just I'm very much of the opinion that I don't care what people think. So and I'm I'm in that place now. But when the kids were little, I was a lot more aware of I don't want people to get annoyed or I want them to behave in public. I don't want them to, Now I don't care. But I think when they were younger. Yeah, I mean we've come it was a big stress for me. We've come a long way, I guess. But again, it's one of those things that you are like you have to be real self aware about. Mm-hmm. That you're starting to build these stress and you're starting to 'cause I I feel like that's what that's what really hampers a lot of good communication when that happens, is that you're not self aware enough to understand that you're overwhelmed and you're stressed. Yeah. And now you're starting to speak in a tone or a manner to somebody that is not conducive to effective communication. Yeah. You're taking it out on them. Yeah. And it's that whole I'm now I'm pissed at you, I'm not pissed at the problem. Right. for whatever reason. I mean whatever reason that might be. but you have to consider sometimes also that I mean it's a natural reaction. Yeah. So like in your your instance where you just mentioned that sometimes you you would like come at me at and and again I'm I'm pretty chill so I don't worry about it, but Not everybody's that way. So that that's a quick way to Yeah, I mean you could have responded to start snapping back. Yeah, to start snapping back. Yeah, you could have responded the same way and then we would have both been Yeah. I mean then you're matching energy and now this, you know, dinner or whatever that is meant to be family time or whatever has now turned into Yeah. This negative interaction. I think your calmness is what? I look for. So a lot of it is probably why I react that way because I'm looking for your calmness to like it's to tell myself like it's okay, it's fine, it's gonna be what it's gonna be. I mean, it's Those situations where you think, we don't have any control. And you are better that way with some of the other stuff we got going on right now, with me personally. some of the things I got cooking in the background, where you're just very much like, It's gonna be what it's gonna be. I mean, there's not a whole lot you can control. You just need to Yeah, me. I can easily tell you. It's not something you can control. Just don't worry about it. Don't stress it. But then when it comes to stuff that I worry about and stress, I have to have you be the one to tell me, like it's fine. We're okay. We're fine. It's gonna be fine. But I think that's what you should be to each other. Yeah, I mean in a marriage that's what you look for. You look for the balance. Yeah. It's when people start matching energy in a negative way that it really just turns into something it shouldn't be. Yeah. Which you see that a lot in marriage. And I'm not saying that it's inherently wrong. I'm not saying that it's anything detrimental. But it is something that Over time it can be that Yeah, I mean it's something that you should be self aware enough to understand that what is the intent behind the argument. Mm-hmm. Are you just wanting to be right? Yeah. Or are you wanting to vent the frustration? And if you're wanting to vent the frustration, then you should probably verbalize it. Yeah. Yeah, and I think some people just I feel like for you, or well, I guess for each other. We kind of we reassure each other instead of react to each other, I don't react it that way to to things that you say or because I know that you're under stress or you're worried about something and so my first instinct is to reassure you instead of react to what you're saying or take it personally. Yeah. I mean It does kind of I mean, what do you think? this has happened to us actually on a couple of occasions. Would you rather lose your luggage or the kids' luggage or have your car break down on your way to a doctor? I mean think about I don't like either one I don't like either one. I'd probably pick have the car break down. Now in that circumstance Do you had a little bit of a meltdown? That circumstance was yeah. That didn't have to do with the kids though. No. No. That had to do with you. And again, you really see the the yin and yang there, 'cause I was very much of the opinion, it is what it is, I guess. You did not care for that at all in that circle. Are you gonna tell a story? so we used to have a van. Honda van. I actually like my Honda Van. but it didn't like we bought it used. We were in a tough place. We bought it used. We paid cash for it. It was like I don't even remember how much we paid for it. It wasn't like a thousand bucks. Yeah, it wasn't very much. The kids were babies. the gas gauge on it never worked. we just kinda knew that you could get so much mileage out of it. Like the last time we put gas was maybe a week ago, so We had to guess. Yeah, well and but we knew for the most part that you could get roughly two like three hundred miles out of it. So we would watch the the mileage on it. Yeah. in this particular instance it did not make it. made it like two hundred and fifty miles. Long story short, we were on our way to a doctor's appointment. Yeah. I was on I yeah, I had to go see a doctor. for some health stuff going on. I think that was when I had my whole I think I almost died, I think, a couple of times. It was a pretty important doctor's appointment. Yeah, yeah. And so we ran out of gas. But I told you on the way that we needed to stop and get gas. You did. And you said no we're fine. You did. So we ran out of gas. We were not fine. We had left early. We had to get there 'cause the the v appointment was like on the other end of of a neighboring town from where we were living. Mm-hmm. and we had left like forty five minutes early to get there. Yeah, because they won't see you if it's after like ten minutes after your appointment. So, long story short, we run out gas. My wife is freaking out. Because we gotta get to this appointment. I am very nonchalant in the fact that if I make it, I make it. If not, say lovey. Right? Let Jesus take the wheel, kind of a thing. and So we're sitting on the side of the road. I could see her getting more and more frustrated because we're not able to get a hold of anybody to come help us out. Finally get a hold of I believe it was your mom. It's my mom. And someone at the fire department came with her. and they Did they bring gas? Yeah. So they brought gas. We go and put gas in. You know, we drive to the nearest gas station, put gas put gas in in the vehicle and go to my doctor's appointment. We end up being twelve minutes late. So two minutes after the ten minute window. Twelve minutes. And yeah, I mean, sure enough, they were like, nope, can't see you. You missed your appointment. Now I was not in the office to see what transpired after because I walked out and just told my wife, they said they're not gonna see me. And she lost it. She stormed in and She almost got herself arrested that day. They almost called the cops on me. I saw red. But Yeah, I did not respond in that situation. So the lady was not very nice about it though. Well, she probably matched your energy. Not before I even had that energy. That's why I had that energy. I was matching her energy. Well so this is a a perfect example, folks, of why it's not always the best to match energies when you're in a negative situation. But and that's just kinda I mean, now we laugh. Kind of funny, but it's funny now. In the in the moment it was she was very, very concerned about my health. And we did up end up going back to see that doctor actually. We call I think you talked to the doctor, and the doctor said, yeah, they should have just let you back. Mm-hmm. Well, because they didn't even ask the doctor. Well, because they said they did. He had he it was his request for me to go in and talk to him. Yeah. Well, and the lady even was threatening like We're just n gonna cancel you altogether as a patient, not just this appointment, like we're gonna not take you as a patient anymore and none of that was coming from the doctor. That was just her. Yeah. But I mean it's funny now. It's funny now. I was not at the time. But that's one of those instances where you think how quickly chaos can You know, devolve into something that it's Yeah, I 'cause you go you we just had like we ran out of gas, I was already stressed out and I was just going thinking, yeah, we're only literally two minutes. Like they're such a small difference that their clock could have said we were on time. Not every clock is the same. You know what I mean? Like it was two minutes. Yeah. That was not what happened. it's funny to think about. But again it highlights how that's chaos. I mean and that's chaos at one extreme. And it does seem like a very simple thing, but to your point, I mean we had run out of gas, you're already stressed about that, the kids are in the car, it's hot. You're worried about the kids. I mean you're worried about my health 'cause at the time I was really going through some You were really sick. Yeah. Some some things. and It was just kind of that breaking point, I feel like. Where it was Yeah. And she was not very nice. Well. And that that happens, I feel. like I said, I walked in, they told me they weren't seeing me and I was like, All right, well, I guess it is what it is. But you look at that now and how you deal with some of those situations. that was one that I call back to because that may be one of the only times I can think of that you lost your cool. Yeah. It's not very often. You wanted to lose your cool, when everything happened with my daughter at her school. Yeah. But Yeah, which Shifts the conversation. I mean, from and that was a moment when you were I mean, you were really frustrated. I mean we were both really frustrated. We were both really angry at the whole situation. But what do you do in that situation? What can you do? I think in that specific situation. I mean in any stressful situation. Yeah. I mean I just now I'm I think I'm at a point where I can look at the situation and see that it's not gonna solve anything for me to react that way how I have previously, you know, with our daughter's situation and dealing with the school and that whole mess. when I was talking to the superintendent, I saw red, like I did that day at your doctor's appointment. The difference is I could see and understand that if I reacted a certain way, it would only affect our daughter. And in that moment, the only I knew the only control I would have is getting her out of the situation and what I could do for her instead of trying to resolve whatever situation they had going on. Yeah. You know, at the school or what they thought or what they said or None of that was, important to me at the time. I could just focus in on, well, I do have control of where my daughter's at and if she attends that school and if, what I need to do to protect her instead of being upset. That's a good one, right? Is focusing in on what you can control. Mm-hmm. Is what you're after, right? Mm-hmm. I think another one like for me, it's always just been that, two to three minute pause, five minute paw whatever it takes for you to acknowledge that you're frustrated and be okay. I mean, it's okay for you to be frustrated. Yeah. It's not that you're gonna force yourself into faking the smile. I call it alligator smile, right? Where you're angry or whatever and you're forcing yourself to feel a certain way. that's not always the healthiest approach. And you're probably just going to end up compounding that and exploding somewhere down the line if you do that. Yeah. so being able to just take a step back, acknowledge the situation, acknowledge the frustration and being okay with being frustrated and why you're frustrated. Yeah. I think it's important to do that. Not just in any situation, but especially with your partner. I don't feel like I feel like it's easy to not necessarily for us, because I think in these situations where things are tense or chaotic or emotional, I'm more worried about your emotions and how you're feeling than I am my own. So I think it's easier for me to step back and think about what you're feeling or, so it's it's easy for me to not get upset at you personally. I'm saying in our marriage, but I can see how it would be in other people's marriage if they don't take that moment to just reflect or pause. Especially if you don't consider your your spouse in those situations, Well, and we talk about that all the time, right? Where it's we always focus on it's us versus whatever's going on. Yeah. So to your point, you're thinking about my emotions and but that's you reframing it like, he this is why he's frustrated, this is why and this is this is the problem, not his reaction. which is essentially what I try and do, right? It's the same, well, this is Yes, she's reacting at me, but this is why. And I'll try and inform or at least guide the conversation to okay, well, this is what we're mad about or this is what's going on. Yeah. Which for a relationship that's powerful in anything. Mm-hmm. Whatever chaos, whatever problem, whatever situation you have going on, it very much is good to remind yourself that you guys are on the same team. Yeah. Trying to accomplish the same same thing. Yeah, that's what I was gonna say. Just even starting conversations that way, I know there've been a couple conversations, a few maybe that we've had to Just kind of start as We're fine. Our marriage is fine. this isn't an end all. it's just something that we both need to talk about and work out, so that I'm not worried about anymore or you're not stressing it or but sometimes you need to do that and and just pause and reflect on overall we're okay. Yeah. instead of just going right in hot and heavy and upset and chaos. it's good to have that reminder, I think, in any hard conversation before you even start. Like we still love each other, we're still okay. It's just a normal thing that we need to figure out. Yeah. Yeah. And that can help. Well, and sometimes really just Then we run into these two when things fly off the deep end, is we will both just start laughing. Not because it's funny, not because of but just because like what else at this point how else is anything else gonna gonna help, right? Yeah. So we'll lean into like the comedic aspect of life sometimes. Mm-hmm. What what do they say? Life is the most tragic comedy that you'll ever deal with. but choosing laughter in some of those situations, like it's if anything, it's just gonna break break the tension. Yeah. If one of you starts uncontrollably laughing, the other one has No other option and maybe I'm wrong, but has no other option than to just be like, What in the hell are you laughing about? Yeah. Well, and sometimes we'll even just not that it's anything major that we're upset about or annoyed about or whatever, but sometimes we'll even just look at each other and be like, You can't even be mad at me. And then we'll both just that kind of just breaks the tension, like you can't you can't be mad at me. Yeah, your favorite saying is, Well, you raised me longer than my parents raised me, so if anything it's your fault. I mean you raised me for twenty one years. But to continue on the conversation, you have to be able to look at what chaos actually teaches you. being able to look back on how you reacted, how this situation has actually impacted, your relationship, the situation, if in And you may not learn anything from it. being able to look at and reflect on, how we navigate some of that chaos, how we build resiliency, when things get and we've we talk about it. Like we've had our hard times, we've had a lot of, we've shared some funny stories here, but there has been some serious ones when, things derailed and we've had to to lean into each other with some of these deals what we're we're talking about. Being able to reflect on those actually has helped us, where we are today. Because, we do have a good marriage. We we can look at all of these situations as a team. We're able to focus on, trying to see the light in every situation. No matter how negative it is. Yeah. And that comes from understanding the bigger picture. Like, these chaotic moments are temporary. You don't want a simple, misunderstanding or something that happens when you're supposed to be having this magical moment to ruin that moment just because of. Yeah. And as a society, I think we have a problem overall with really trying to and you see it in T V and you see it in the news, right? everything focuses on the negative, on Yeah. The bad, the and I mean I get it like on T V that drives ratings, people are drawn to it, people want to see the car wreck. Call it what it may be, but that's not life. if you focus on just everything negative throughout your life when there's so many positives and so many blessings that you have, even those situations, Yeah. I can look back on You know, I made it no secret. My mom passed away a year ago. Really hard time. There's a lot that happened in those few days that will be with me forever. But even that Like I could choose to focus on that one moment or I can choose to focus on the relationship that my mom and I had before that. Yeah. And what she taught me and what Yeah. What I learned from her and what my kids got to learn from her. and even in that moment, what I learned about like you and our relationship and my family and all of these things, there's positives in everything if you're able to to just look at the bigger picture. Even in terrible situations. The other side of that is and you talk to me about this a lot. Is being able to let go. And understand that not everything is under your And trusting that you are on a journey, that there's gonna be ups and downs. And I mean call that faith, call that God, call that, the universe, whatever you wanna whatever your particular flavor of of a bigger picture is. Understanding that there's more out there for everyone. Yeah, not just more, but just I think we talked about it last time. Enjoying, even if it's a hard journey, taking the good moments from it. And I mean, everybody's gonna have hard moments, everybody's gonna have hard seasons, they're gonna be stressed out, they're gonna be, whatever. There's still good in those, like you said, when your mom passed away, it was one of the most terrible situations. But there was also good in that. There were good moments. There were highlights from that. You know? And you have to be able to find those, especially in the hard journeys. In the hard moments. Because that's what's gonna help you get through them. Even now, over a year later, those are the moments that help you I think the most when reflecting back. Because you don't have to reflect back on the heart and how it felt in that moment. You can reflect back on how we came together and the light in the situation, even as dark as it was. Well and I think about it also just in the conversation that we had with our kids last night, right? In that there was a lot of I mean and they shared a lot of stuff yesterday. I mean that was one of the most in depth conversations I think we've had with our kids in a long time. And them talking about I mean, I look back to when they were little, little kids and I was working a ton, a ton. I missed a lot. And them even talking through, waiting up for me every night and wanting to do their best to stay up and being scared sometimes when I would get called in in the middle of the crying in the room because I was But even in that, like they also learned Well, dad's gonna be back. like he's doing what he has to for for us to have what we need. And I mean they're both spoiled rotten now. So But in just understanding how they deal with some of the chaos and some of the things that a lot of kids could see as negative. Yeah. They see as light. They see as funny memories that they now laugh about or Yeah, because in the moment it was a hard situation for them. They're young. They don't understand why, you're not home all the time or and mom is or but they can reflect on it and find the happy moment from it. Like, well sister fell asleep but I stayed up even though I couldn't hardly keep my eyes open and they found the the joy in it. Well and yeah, I mean a lot of the stories of our old Christmas room and them falling asleep under it. Yeah. It was a very telling conversation that really led to the idea behind this episode. because I know it's easy to get overwhelmed. And I know that it's easy to look at your circumstances when you're going through things, or even when situations happen that are just extremely stressful and chaotic. It is a moment in time that you can look back on and reflect on. And see some pauses. Now I will say that there are traumas and things that are hard to look at. I don't wanna discount that there are a lot of traumas that can happen that it is hard to see any positives from. Yeah. But One takeaway from all of those is that It happened, you are still here dealing with it, however you might be dealing with it. But that in itself has built some resilience. My wife has talked about some of the trauma that she's had. I've talked to some it really is easy to Q in on the negative that happens from that and all of the negatives associated with that. But It does also lend itself for you to turn that into light by sharing your story with others and letting people understand that there is other out you know, other people out there dealing with similar circumstances and maybe just finding a network of people that can can either help you or that you can help. I mean oftentimes when you deal with trauma that is really the only positive that can come from it is that you're able to tell your story to others, show where you're at in life. whether you think you have a good life or not, the fact that you're still here means that you have at least something going. And with that, I know chaos can can come at any time and everything is super unpredictable. I would say it would be very interesting to hear from our from our audience if you choose. Comment, email, DM, some of the funniest stories you can think of of when things went wrong. You know, maybe we'll shout you out in a further episode and talk a little bit about your funny story. Yeah, again we want to thank everybody for for listening, for being a part of our journey. again, because I always forget to plug it. go ahead and if you get a chance, go look at our our website, www. dot shared light podcast dot com. there is a shop button if you want to see some of our swag. or if you just want to get in touch with us, there's also a way to to contact us and DM us and all that. Our blog is on there. Our blog is on there. we do a weekly blog. And we're on all the major social platforms. Feel free to like, share, and subscribe and all those. And with that, we wish you the best and we'll catch you on the next one.