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Stand-Up Comedy About College I Have a Master's Degree in Poetry 🤣🤣🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

0:00
SPEAKER_16: I tried to be gay for a second.
0:02
SPEAKER_16: I gave it a shot.
0:04
SPEAKER_07: Yeah.
0:04
SPEAKER_07: I went uh it was I went to liberal arts school, so you do a semester of broads and uh It's nice you guys are a lovely crowd.
0:17
SPEAKER_18: It's nice to get to do comedy for grown-ups.
0:19
SPEAKER_18: Uh I don't do like kindergarten shows or anything.
0:22
SPEAKER_18: That'd be really fun though.
0:22
SPEAKER_18: Just like, y'all mother f like crayons.
0:25
SPEAKER_18: Like, yeah.
0:27
SPEAKER_18: I I do a lot of college shows, which it's fun, but you have to spend a lot of time with college kids and you forget what they're like because we keep them quarantined during that portion of life.
0:37
SPEAKER_18: But they're uh where there's no consequences for college kids.
0:40
SPEAKER_18: You can just walk in front of oncoming traffic like a complacent clerk can't.
0:44
SPEAKER_18: They're just adorable with their MacBook pros and their wrong opinions on things.
0:48
SPEAKER_18: So I mean, just like people always give teenagers a tough time, but like at least teenagers know they're children.
0:55
SPEAKER_18: Whereas college kids will just walk up like, what's up?
0:57
SPEAKER_18: My name's Devin, or something stupid.
0:59
SPEAKER_18: Uh let's talk about the economy, even though I've never paid an electricity bill.
1:04
SPEAKER_18: It's like, no.
1:06
SPEAKER_18: Slow down Atlas Shrug.
1:07
SPEAKER_18: That don't need you.
1:12
SPEAKER_18: I don't know.
1:13
SPEAKER_18: It's I'm not trying to sound judgmental.
1:15
SPEAKER_18: I remember when I was in college, I was just a terrible person.
1:17
SPEAKER_18: One of the worst things I did in college was I was prescribed to a drug called Adderall, which you guys you guys party, right?
1:23
SPEAKER_18: Yeah.
1:24
SPEAKER_18: Uh I didn't like the effect Adderall had on me, so I decided to stop taking it, but I kept filling the prescriptions because apparently there's like a huge market for college kids.
1:34
SPEAKER_18: So I sold it, so I was uh a drug dealer, but in like the least gangster way possible, right?
1:41
SPEAKER_18: Just like hanging out in the quad between classes, like, hey Youngblood, hey, you want to get high?
1:47
SPEAKER_18: Grades.
1:52
SPEAKER_18: I was the only person on campus telling it too, which was I met a lot of interesting people.
1:56
SPEAKER_18: There was one girl who was trying to sleep with me to get free Adderall.
2:00
SPEAKER_18: Attention whore.
2:04
SPEAKER_18: It's more for me than for you.
2:05
SPEAKER_18: That's fine.
2:06
SPEAKER_18: It's okay.
2:06
SPEAKER_18: It's okay.
2:15
SPEAKER_18: I realize at this point I don't even know how to explain how college works without it sounding like I'm pitching a sadistic concept for a reality show.
2:22
SPEAKER_18: It's like, all right, here's what we do.
2:24
SPEAKER_18: We take human beings during the four years we're the most physically attractive and sexually able, and then we put them in an all-expenses paid resort with no supervision and limitless booze, and then see if they can learn.
2:44
SPEAKER_18: To uh when you're a no-name comedian to get booked to do college shows, you have to do these things called NACA conventions.
2:50
SPEAKER_18: There's these giant weekend-long conferences where you go and you showcase for student bookers from like hundreds of schools.
2:56
SPEAKER_18: But because college kids are so progressive, a lot of the other acts are people who talk about how they've overcome persecution for their ethnicity, for their sexual orientation, uh, for disabilities, uh, and then me.
3:08
SPEAKER_18: And here's the thing about me, my appearance evokes many feelings.
3:12
SPEAKER_18: Sympathy is not one of them.
3:13
SPEAKER_18: You know what I mean?
3:14
SPEAKER_18: No one wants to hear about the plight of a guy with resting rich face.
3:17
SPEAKER_18: It's just not very compelling.
3:20
SPEAKER_18: There's no one in the audience like, I want to hear more about his comp or whatever it's called.
3:24
SPEAKER_18: And uh well read crowd, alright.
3:29
SPEAKER_18: The thing is, is for me, the contrast makes it very challenging because I'll be sitting backstage and I'll hear the performer in front of me come out and just like, hey, what's up, y'all?
3:37
SPEAKER_18: Let me tell you what it's like being a sassy transgender Muslim, right?
3:41
SPEAKER_18: And the crowd just explodes, like, yeah, you're my spirit mammal, right?
3:45
SPEAKER_18: And then she just crushes for 15 minutes talking about overcoming adversity and early onset Park Alzheimer's, and then I'm next.
3:54
SPEAKER_18: And I walk on stage, and even though they've never seen me before, I'm how they already pictured the bad guy from her stories, right?
4:00
SPEAKER_18: Like uh, not on my side, Sea of Contempt, just the death glare from a thousand gender studies mages who are just like, alright, okay.
4:08
SPEAKER_18: So what's your struggle, huh?
4:09
SPEAKER_18: Talk about your hardships.
4:11
SPEAKER_18: It's like, uh people incorrectly assume I'm good at lacrosse?
4:15
SPEAKER_18: Like, I don't.
4:17
SPEAKER_18: You know what I mean?
4:18
SPEAKER_18: That's why I'm not edgy as a comedian.
4:20
SPEAKER_18: I feel like uh I'm just too privileged looking to have an opinion.
4:23
SPEAKER_18: You know what I mean?
4:24
SPEAKER_18: Like, I can't walk on stage and be like, black people, it's like, whoa, they're boat shoes.
4:28
SPEAKER_18: No, no, no, no, no.
4:29
SPEAKER_18: Uh-uh.
4:30
SPEAKER_18: You'll get to have a bold stance on race and the keys to your parents' lakehouse.
4:33
SPEAKER_18: That's not how this life works.
4:37
SPEAKER_18: I don't know.
4:38
SPEAKER_18: I feel like as a white person, that whenever I bring up race, it just sounds a little bit racist.
4:43
SPEAKER_18: You know what I mean?
4:44
SPEAKER_18: Like, I used to do recruiting work, and they'd sit around the country, and this one time I ended up at a career fair at Dartmouth College, and while I was there, I saw this girl walk around who was African American, very attractive, and she looked exactly like this girl I went to school with, and I really wanted to tell her that, but then a voice in my head was like, Yeah, don't, don't say that, right?
5:01
SPEAKER_18: Because best case scenario, all she was gonna hear is, oh, cute, Zach Morris thinks all black people look the same, right?
5:08
SPEAKER_18: So I ended up talking to her anyway, and we chatted for a little while, and I mentioned where I went to school, and she goes, Oh, Rice, um, long shot, but did you have a class with my identical twin sister?
5:19
SPEAKER_18: And I was like, Wow, that's crazy.
5:21
SPEAKER_18: I was gonna say something, but I thought I'd sound racist because you're black, and she was like, No, but now you do.
5:27
SPEAKER_04: So I do I do shows at colleges sometimes, and when I do a college show, I do an interview with the school paper, and the result could be a horrible article.
5:35
SPEAKER_04: So I want to share with y'all this article from a gig I did at Eastern Illinois University in Charleston, Illinois.
5:41
SPEAKER_04: This is all real and in print.
5:43
SPEAKER_04: A human being wrote this, and then they sent it to a higher ranking human being and editor, and that person said, Yeah, let's go with that.
5:56
SPEAKER_04: Quick-witted Burris set for laughs.
5:59
SPEAKER_04: Comedian helps bring diversity to campus.
6:05
SPEAKER_04: Wait, wait, wait.
6:06
SPEAKER_04: I'm responsible for bringing diversity to your campus?
6:09
SPEAKER_04: Because you realize the type of diversity I bring is very temporary.
6:13
SPEAKER_04: Because I'm leaving as soon as I get my check.
6:15
SPEAKER_04: This town sucks.
6:17
SPEAKER_04: Actually, paper before the show.
6:21
SPEAKER_04: It was a phone interview, and sometimes when I do phone interviews and a journalist is boring, I just start saying crazy stuff to make it fun for me and make the most out of my time.
6:30
SPEAKER_04: And she said, What do you talk about in your comedy?
6:32
SPEAKER_04: I said, I talk about the straits.
6:36
SPEAKER_04: And she put that in the paper for real.
6:39
SPEAKER_04: His performances include comedic jokes, like wait, wait, wait, comedic jokes?
6:44
SPEAKER_04: As opposed to all the other types of jokes that are out there.
6:49
SPEAKER_04: Am I missing out on a genre of jokes?
6:51
SPEAKER_04: I hate for that to be the reason I don't make it big.
6:52
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, Hannibal Burris could have been huge, but he focused all his energy on comedic jokes.
6:58
SPEAKER_04: Well, there were so many other types of jokes out there, he really pigeonholed himself.
7:03
SPEAKER_04: And I'm some bitter old man comedian.
7:04
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, these young comedians, they focus on all types of jokes.
7:07
SPEAKER_04: Esoteric jokes and jokes about hash.
7:09
SPEAKER_04: We were furious.
7:10
SPEAKER_04: We only did comedic jokes, these young dudes, man.
7:15
SPEAKER_04: His performances include comedic jokes related to personal stories, current events, the streets.
7:22
SPEAKER_04: You know what?
7:23
SPEAKER_04: I take the blame for that.
7:24
SPEAKER_04: I said that on the record.
7:27
SPEAKER_04: Take the blame.
7:28
SPEAKER_04: His performances include comedic jokes related to personal stories, current events, the streets, and even food, he said.
7:36
SPEAKER_04: What?
7:37
SPEAKER_04: Even food?
7:38
SPEAKER_04: Who else is talking about food in a comedy game right now?
7:41
SPEAKER_04: Nobody, just Hannibal Burris, that's all.
7:44
SPEAKER_04: He has cornered that subject matter.
7:46
SPEAKER_04: He is the Lenny Bruce of grocery store humor.
7:49
SPEAKER_04: He is so edgy.
7:50
SPEAKER_04: You should have seen when he was in Dallas, Texas, half the crowd walked out when he did his new bit about lettuce.
7:56
SPEAKER_04: It was crazy.
7:57
SPEAKER_04: He was too edgy for that town.
8:02
SPEAKER_04: Matt Capanera, the University Comedy Boarder, said Burris was picked because he stood out more than other choices.
8:08
SPEAKER_04: He stands out like an exclamation point, Capanera said.
8:12
SPEAKER_04: I don't know if that's weird or borderline racist.
8:14
SPEAKER_04: Let's go with weird.
8:15
SPEAKER_04: It's easy to go racist.
8:16
SPEAKER_04: Let's go with weird.
8:18
SPEAKER_04: Because I think it's weird to compare people to punctuation.
8:20
SPEAKER_04: Nah, I think he's more like a semicolon comedian, very semicolon-like in delivery and he paces.
8:28
SPEAKER_04: I don't even know how to use a semicolon to this day.
8:32
SPEAKER_04: I use a comma every time.
8:35
SPEAKER_04: And you know what?
8:36
SPEAKER_04: If I email somebody and they get upset about me using a comma instead of a semicolon, that's not a person I want to work with anyway.
8:42
SPEAKER_04: And that's how you weed people out of your life.
8:48
SPEAKER_04: Burris was the most popular comedian in Kapanair's price range of$2,000.
8:59
SPEAKER_04: It was a couple years ago.
9:01
SPEAKER_04: Two things about that.
9:07
SPEAKER_04: One, you goddamn right I was.
9:10
SPEAKER_04: Hell yeah.
9:11
SPEAKER_04: I was ruling that price range in the Midwest two years ago.
9:14
SPEAKER_04: Two, how tacky is that?
9:16
SPEAKER_04: Did she go to her editor?
9:17
SPEAKER_04: Hey, I want to make this article more tacky.
9:19
SPEAKER_04: You have any ideas?
9:20
SPEAKER_04: Well, maybe you can mention the amount of money he's making from the show.
9:23
SPEAKER_04: That adds nothing to the article at all.
9:24
SPEAKER_04: Plus, we get the added bonus of putting his business out there and making it harder for him to charge more than that in the future.
9:33
SPEAKER_04: So, I think if you're going for word count, that's your move.
9:39
SPEAKER_04: Capranero said he also picked Burrs because he is African American, which added more diversity to the comedic lineup this semester.
9:46
SPEAKER_04: He's a black comedian, so it makes our crowd more diverse and everyone gets what they want, Kaepernick said.
9:53
SPEAKER_04: Everyone gets what they want?
9:54
SPEAKER_04: That's a weird, broad thing to say.
9:57
SPEAKER_04: Even people that didn't attend the show.
9:59
SPEAKER_04: Hey, did you book Hannibal Burrs?
10:00
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, we booked by you coming to the show.
10:02
SPEAKER_04: No, I'm not coming to the show, but I got what I want.
10:06
SPEAKER_04: Because everybody gets what they want when I come to town.
10:09
SPEAKER_04: Time around peaks is at an all-time high.
10:12
SPEAKER_04: Everybody's happy.
10:12
SPEAKER_04: They go to the local grocery store just juggling items, no intention on buying them, just in the aisles yelling.
10:18
SPEAKER_04: Even foo, he's coming to town, y'all.
10:20
SPEAKER_04: Hell yeah! You think he's gonna do the lettuce bit?
10:23
SPEAKER_04: I don't know.
10:23
SPEAKER_04: I'm not even going to the show.
10:25
SPEAKER_04: I'm just happy he's here.
10:26
SPEAKER_12: I went to uh community college for one year, dude.
10:30
SPEAKER_12: Yeah, a couple of us, just me and this guy.
10:33
SPEAKER_12: That's did you go for longer than a year?
10:36
SPEAKER_12: Or one year, two years?
10:36
SPEAKER_12: Or did you go to real college?
10:39
SPEAKER_12: Couple years.
10:40
SPEAKER_12: Oh, alright.
10:42
SPEAKER_12: Val Victorian over here, geez.
10:48
SPEAKER_12: I I made it one.
10:50
SPEAKER_12: And what's even more embarrassing than that, uh, I do not have a credit.
10:54
SPEAKER_12: Literally, I do not have zero credits.
10:56
SPEAKER_12: Do you have credits?
10:57
SPEAKER_12: You got credits, like all of them.
10:59
SPEAKER_12: Did you graduate community college?
11:00
SPEAKER_12: You think you're better than me?
11:02
SPEAKER_12: No, I just started the time.
11:04
SPEAKER_12: He's like, I don't know.
11:06
SPEAKER_12: It's easy, I think, to graduate.
11:08
SPEAKER_12: Like, I, you know, my loan was$40.
11:10
SPEAKER_12: I just paid cash.
11:12
SPEAKER_12: That's all.
11:15
SPEAKER_12: I was like, this is good use.
11:16
SPEAKER_12: I got more than enough.
11:18
SPEAKER_12: Uh I was all remedial classes, which remedial, you know, it's like they just they don't count.
11:26
SPEAKER_12: None of them count.
11:27
SPEAKER_12: So they I all my classes were outside.
11:30
SPEAKER_12: Everyone was outside.
11:31
SPEAKER_12: We wouldn't even meet inside the building.
11:32
SPEAKER_12: We would just meet at a picnic table outside, because our teacher was like, well, you guys will all be working outside.
11:39
SPEAKER_12: Uh we're gonna teach you about weather, you know?
11:44
SPEAKER_12: And like we're gonna teach you about morning dew, how to get your socks wet.
11:47
SPEAKER_12: You'll be getting up pretty early the rest of your life.
11:51
SPEAKER_12: I hope you guys like sunrises because you're gonna see a lot of them.
11:56
SPEAKER_12: That's what our medial classes are for.
11:58
SPEAKER_12: They're a heads up that you're gonna do manual labor.
12:02
SPEAKER_12: The assignments, our teachers are like, alright, so today's assignment is we're gonna help me move.
12:07
SPEAKER_08: So people keep telling me now that I have a child, I have to save for her college fund, uh, as if there's gonna be a planet in 17 years for her to go to school on.
12:18
SPEAKER_08: Um I just hope that if my daughter does go to college, she doesn't study what I did.
12:25
SPEAKER_08: Uh I was a major in giving blowjobs to guys that hated me.
12:29
SPEAKER_08: That's what I couple classmates here, okay.
12:37
SPEAKER_08: And then uh I was a minor in following those guys around campus and going, hello! That's what I study and that's what I spent my parents' money on.
12:52
SPEAKER_08: I um not out of self-esteem.
12:56
SPEAKER_20: Well, ladies and gentlemen, I'm off to do a big college tour.
12:59
SPEAKER_20: Always like doing the college shows.
13:00
SPEAKER_20: Do we have any college students here?
13:06
SPEAKER_20: What college did you go to, sir?
13:08
SPEAKER_20: Fordham?
13:08
SPEAKER_20: Why don't you give what's your name?
13:10
SPEAKER_20: John, bring John up here.
13:11
SPEAKER_20: I gotta show everybody something.
13:12
SPEAKER_20: Give John's little little music.
13:13
SPEAKER_20: Come on, John.
13:23
SPEAKER_20: Uh, John, good to have you here.
13:25
SPEAKER_20: How are you?
13:26
SPEAKER_20: Come on over here, John.
13:26
SPEAKER_20: Come on over here.
13:27
SPEAKER_20: Uh, your name's John.
13:29
SPEAKER_20: Can I call you uh Duja for short?
13:32
SPEAKER_20: Shut up.
13:33
unknown: Alright.
13:35
SPEAKER_20: Eating into my time here.
13:36
SPEAKER_20: Uh you go to uh what school?
13:38
SPEAKER_20: Fordham University.
13:39
SPEAKER_20: Fordham University, a very good school.
13:42
SPEAKER_20: Well, I notice when I do these college shows, they take it out afterwards.
13:45
SPEAKER_20: And the bouncers are the same when I went to college, which is amazing because I never went to college.
13:49
SPEAKER_20: But for this bit, uh, they throw the kids out.
13:52
SPEAKER_20: They're rough on music college bouncers like, get out of here.
13:54
SPEAKER_20: That doesn't teach a student a lesson.
13:56
SPEAKER_20: If you really want to teach a kid a lesson, you have to do something that's a little different.
13:59
SPEAKER_20: You know what I mean?
14:00
SPEAKER_20: If a bouncer did this to a college student, it would freak them out, okay?
14:03
SPEAKER_20: So here we go.
14:03
SPEAKER_20: Turn sideways, Johnny.
14:05
SPEAKER_20: Does anybody want to say hi to our national TV?
14:07
SPEAKER_20: Okay.
14:07
SPEAKER_20: So what we're gonna do, please.
14:09
SPEAKER_20: You know, I got a few other plugs I gotta make myself here.
14:12
SPEAKER_20: So I'm gonna say, leave those ladies alone, right?
14:14
SPEAKER_20: You go, I'll do what I want.
14:16
SPEAKER_20: Alright?
14:17
SPEAKER_20: What if a college bouncer did this?
14:18
SPEAKER_20: It would freak you out.
14:21
SPEAKER_20: Leave those ladies alone.
14:22
SPEAKER_20: I'll do what I want.
14:23
SPEAKER_20: Oh, you will?
14:23
SPEAKER_20: You know what?
14:24
SPEAKER_20: Maybe you'll start acting like a gentleman.
14:37
SPEAKER_20: That's just weird.
14:40
SPEAKER_20: Because if you're an adult and someone hits you, you know, John, you're a big guy, you clock me back, you know?
14:46
SPEAKER_20: Well, what are you gonna do now?
14:47
SPEAKER_20: Hey, that guy spang me.
14:48
SPEAKER_20: Let's get him, girl.
14:53
SPEAKER_07: But I also went to a Christian college, which is really silly because I'm a Jew and like, God's not real.
14:59
SPEAKER_07: So it was just a really fun time.
15:03
SPEAKER_07: I I did have this class with this one girl.
15:05
SPEAKER_07: We took Christian ethics together.
15:07
SPEAKER_07: You can imagine how fun she is.
15:09
SPEAKER_07: And um, we're still friends on Facebook, and I was reading her status recently, and it said, I wish swallowing wasn't so important.
15:19
SPEAKER_07: Okay.
15:20
SPEAKER_07: And then yeah, but then there were six comments underneath it, and not one comment was about dick sucking.
15:27
SPEAKER_07: That's crazy.
15:28
SPEAKER_07: That's crazy.
15:29
SPEAKER_07: I don't know one friend that would read, I wish swallowing wasn't so important, and it would not think about a dick in a mouth.
15:35
SPEAKER_07: Like, I don't even get it.
15:36
SPEAKER_07: I don't even get it.
15:37
SPEAKER_07: All the comments are like, mmm, I can't believe you have strep throat.
15:42
SPEAKER_02: I don't have a degree.
15:44
SPEAKER_02: I didn't even go to college, and I'm glad I didn't because I do this, so I don't have to go to college for this.
15:48
SPEAKER_02: And all of my friends that went to college are in crazy debt, like real debt.
15:52
SPEAKER_02: I got a friend that's$80,000 in debt with an English degree.
15:56
SPEAKER_02: I learned English for free.
16:04
SPEAKER_02: It was the first thing I learned.
16:07
SPEAKER_02: It was the first thing I learned.
16:08
SPEAKER_02: And I talk to this dude every day.
16:09
SPEAKER_02: I understand everything he's saying.
16:12
SPEAKER_02: He doesn't know a special kind of English.
16:15
SPEAKER_02: He doesn't talk like the Game of Thrones.
16:18
SPEAKER_02: It's just regular English.
16:20
SPEAKER_02: And you know what he does for a living?
16:22
SPEAKER_02: Teaches English.
16:24
SPEAKER_02: Because that's the only thing you can do with an English degree.
16:26
SPEAKER_02: So f pyramid skin.
16:30
SPEAKER_19: I had a girlfriend in college, I liked her a lot.
16:32
SPEAKER_19: I remember on our first date when we were leaving the restaurant, she showed me that she had stolen the two glasses from the restaurant.
16:38
SPEAKER_19: I was like, we're going out again.
16:43
SPEAKER_19: We're going to Best Buy.
16:51
SPEAKER_19: Right now, put on some cargo pants.
16:53
SPEAKER_19: We're going Christmas shopping for my parents.
16:56
SPEAKER_19: Yeah, Oliver twists.
17:00
SPEAKER_19: It's weird dating someone in school though, because you graduate and sometimes you go your separate ways for jobs, or like, I got a job living home, my parents, and uh.
17:08
SPEAKER_19: I aced that interview.
17:10
SPEAKER_19: I was like, I'm your son, and I don't have a place to live.
17:14
SPEAKER_19: Help me move this Pac-Man video game machine into the dining room.
17:22
SPEAKER_19: It's really heavy.
17:27
SPEAKER_19: Michael, that's not going in the dining room.
17:29
SPEAKER_19: Whatever.
17:30
SPEAKER_19: That's where we eat, that's where he eats.
17:35
SPEAKER_06: I went to school with a girl who does porn now.
17:37
SPEAKER_06: I don't know if any of you guys have ever seen someone you know have sex.
17:40
SPEAKER_06: Like, not with you.
17:41
SPEAKER_06: Like, it's wild.
17:42
SPEAKER_06: It's wild.
17:43
SPEAKER_06: And I have like a bunch of mutual friends were on like a um like a group text, and and when we found out, and of course we we watched it, um, uh, the commerce were like, oh my god, what happened to her?
17:54
SPEAKER_06: She needs to love herself more, she needs to get some self-esteem.
17:57
SPEAKER_06: And I just think that is so backwards.
17:59
SPEAKER_06: Whenever I hear people say that people who do porn don't have self-esteem, I'm like, what are you talking about?
18:04
SPEAKER_06: Do you know how much self-esteem it takes to be having sex and think more people need to see this?
18:10
unknown: You know?
18:12
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
18:13
SPEAKER_06: I don't even want the people I'm having the person I'm having sex with to see it.
18:18
SPEAKER_06: I'm like, turn off the lights, wear this blindfold, but not for a kinky reason.
18:21
SPEAKER_06: Like, just don't look, don't look.
18:24
SPEAKER_13: I like to write poetry.
18:29
SPEAKER_13: I actually have a master's degree in poetry.
18:33
SPEAKER_13: No, stop, no.
18:35
SPEAKER_13: I spent fifty thousand dollars.
18:38
SPEAKER_13: Fifty thousand dollars so that I could add some similes to my cover letter.
18:43
SPEAKER_11: It's not to whom it may concern.
18:48
SPEAKER_11: My heart would swell like an ungagged volcano.
18:52
SPEAKER_11: A boiling tempest of joy.
18:56
SPEAKER_11: The hot magma racing through my veins, if accepted for this entry-level position at CVS.
19:07
SPEAKER_00: I lost my virginity in college on a Halloween night while watching a movie, and I've learned since then that there's no good movie to have on in the background of sex.
19:17
SPEAKER_00: Um, I lost my virginity on a Halloween night while watching the movie Hocus Pocus.
19:24
SPEAKER_00: Um, Hocus Pocus is a movie about three witches starring Bette Middler, Sarah Jessica Parker, and uh Kathy Najimi in the role of a lifetime.
19:32
SPEAKER_00: Um and uh a lot of guys come too quickly the first time they have sex.
19:37
SPEAKER_00: I lasted 45 minutes out of pure stress and anxiety.
19:41
SPEAKER_00: I ended up coming when Bette Middler was singing a Broadway version of I Put a Spell on You.
19:45
SPEAKER_00: Really weird.
19:47
SPEAKER_00: Weird night.
19:49
SPEAKER_00: I did uh I just watched that movie again recently, no joke, two weeks ago for the first time since that night, and two things happened.
19:56
SPEAKER_00: One, I realized great movie, still totally holds up.
20:00
SPEAKER_00: Very funny, very self-aware, and two is that um I immediately got rock hard and came when it started because I don't know what generation I am.
20:07
SPEAKER_01: I don't feel like an okay boomer, but I don't feel like a Gen Z either.
20:11
SPEAKER_01: You know, I handle my brother's kids, they're like 13, 12, 14, you know?
20:14
SPEAKER_01: They got different priorities.
20:15
SPEAKER_01: Like you hand me a weed brownie when I was 15, I was like, whoa, that's a lot of weed.
20:19
SPEAKER_01: Hand a kid a weed brownie now, he's like, whoa, that's a lot of sugar.
20:23
SPEAKER_01: He's like, I love drugs, but I'm keto.
20:25
SPEAKER_01: So, you know.
20:28
SPEAKER_01: I worry about these teens, you know?
20:30
SPEAKER_01: They're all bummed out, depressed, suicidal.
20:32
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you ever seen a 14-year-old come home from school, looks like a grizzled cop.
20:36
SPEAKER_01: He's got the whole roll in his shoulders, hitting a vape.
20:40
SPEAKER_01: Tough day out there, just trying to impeach the president, save the planet, get a sex change, edit my podcast, start a TikTok, and I'm out of Adderall.
20:49
SPEAKER_01: Dude, you're 14.
20:50
SPEAKER_01: Pop a boner, have a Skittle.
20:54
SPEAKER_01: Not that bad.
20:56
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, these poor kids are out in the streets protesting gun laws.
21:00
SPEAKER_01: Adults are like, have fun with that, we're going to Comic-Con.
21:04
SPEAKER_01: When I was a kid, adults were scary.
21:05
SPEAKER_01: Remember you'd say a dirty joke, watch your mouth, young man.
21:07
SPEAKER_01: Sorry, sir.
21:08
SPEAKER_01: Now, older crowds are great.
21:09
SPEAKER_01: They laugh at everything.
21:10
SPEAKER_01: College crowds, not a fan.
21:13
SPEAKER_01: I had a college gig recently, I was like, these kids are 18, 19, I tell some dirty jokes.
21:17
SPEAKER_01: One kid yells out, that's inappropriate.
21:19
SPEAKER_01: It's like, dude, you're 18.
21:21
SPEAKER_01: You should be doing whippets and fingering someone.
21:24
SPEAKER_01: What the hell's going on?
21:27
SPEAKER_01: These kids are kookies.
21:29
SPEAKER_01: They don't care about curse words, they're worried about pronouns, and they can't touch a peanut but they'll eat ass.
21:34
SPEAKER_05: I did I dated this one girl in college for like a year, and uh, this is true.
21:39
SPEAKER_05: That relationship ended because after a year she left me for one of the Temple University basketball players.
21:46
SPEAKER_05: That was my school.
21:48
SPEAKER_05: And um It was tough, you know, because like she's right.
21:51
SPEAKER_05: You know what I mean?
21:54
SPEAKER_05: It's it's always hard going through a breakup when the other person has made just like the objectively correct decision.
22:00
SPEAKER_05: And this guy, he's like a Division I athlete, right?
22:03
SPEAKER_05: So I didn't underestimate how tall he was gonna be or how ripped he was gonna be, but I definitely underestimated how many posters of him there were around campus.
22:13
SPEAKER_05: You know, a lot of people go through a breakup, not everybody has to see a 10-foot banner of her new boyfriend going like this.
22:23
SPEAKER_05: I swear to God, there's a billboard of this guy on campus where he's gripping a basketball and it just says, it's our time.
22:29
SPEAKER_05: I'm like, well, I don't know if it's our time.
22:32
SPEAKER_05: Uh feels pretty distinctly like your time right now.
22:37
SPEAKER_05: You know, the worst part is my roommates were all huge fans.
22:40
SPEAKER_05: So they would watch all the games and I'd have to listen to announcers on ESPN talk about this guy and say a bunch of stuff I didn't want to hear at all.
22:49
SPEAKER_05: You know?
22:49
SPEAKER_05: Stuff like, uh, like, oh Jim, would you just look at the incredible strength and stamina of this young athlete?
22:54
SPEAKER_05: I'm like, alright, that's about enough of that.
22:56
SPEAKER_05: Uh no thanks.
22:59
SPEAKER_05: We're like, oh Steve, you don't have to tell me this guy does nothing but dominate whatever's in front of him.
23:08
SPEAKER_05: Like, oh Jim, I mean, could you just imagine with this kind of raw power and speed?
23:12
SPEAKER_15: I mean, just how hard he fucks Emily.
23:15
SPEAKER_15: It's gotta be.
23:16
SPEAKER_15: When I was in college, I lived down the hall from a foreign exchange student from Korea, and she kept asking me if I knew certain people.
23:25
SPEAKER_15: She'd be like, Do you know John?
23:28
SPEAKER_15: And I'd be like, No.
23:31
SPEAKER_15: She'd be like, Do you know Shana?
23:33
SPEAKER_15: And I'd be like, no.
23:35
SPEAKER_15: And I'm not sure what tipped me off, but I started to wonder if she was only asking me if I knew black people.
23:42
SPEAKER_15: So I asked her.
23:43
SPEAKER_15: I was like, are you only asking me if I know black people?
23:47
SPEAKER_15: And she goes, yes.
23:51
SPEAKER_15: And I was like, do you think I know all the black people at this school because I'm black?
23:57
SPEAKER_15: And she goes, uh-huh, yes.
24:00
SPEAKER_15: And I was like, you can't do that.
24:02
SPEAKER_15: That's a stereotype.
24:03
SPEAKER_15: That'd be like if I assume you knew all the Korean people at this school.
24:07
SPEAKER_15: And she goes, I do.
24:10
SPEAKER_15: We all know each other.
24:13
SPEAKER_15: And I was like, never mind.
24:17
SPEAKER_15: It's a good thing we kept talking.
24:19
SPEAKER_15: If that conversation had ended two sentences before that point, I would have left being like, that racist bitch.
24:26
SPEAKER_15: And she would have left being like, what's wrong with this antisocial black girl?
24:32
SPEAKER_14: She's not hanging out with her friends.
24:34
SPEAKER_14: And if you drink a lot and you're not sure if you're an alcoholic, just pay attention because the world will give you clues.
24:40
SPEAKER_14: One of my clues was a country music song called When I Taste Tequila.
24:44
SPEAKER_14: And the premise of the song is every time this guy tastes tequila, he thinks of one person.
24:49
SPEAKER_14: Thinks of his ex-girlfriend and all the fun times they had together.
24:53
SPEAKER_14: And I'm like, whoa, when I taste tequila, it's just a montage of dicks.
25:03
SPEAKER_14: It's like the 2008 to 2011 Marquette men's basketball team.
25:11
SPEAKER_14: College was a blackout.
25:15
SPEAKER_14: In a couple of different ways.
25:21
SPEAKER_16: I'm a teacher, that's my day job.
25:23
SPEAKER_16: I teach.
25:24
SPEAKER_16: I teach intro to writing at USC.
25:27
SPEAKER_16: I hope that nobody here is affiliated with USC.
25:30
SPEAKER_16: If you are, keep everything I say a secret.
25:34
SPEAKER_16: I had one of the star football players in my class.
25:38
SPEAKER_16: I told the class they could write a story about anything.
25:41
SPEAKER_16: He wrote a story about wanting to f his teacher.
25:47
SPEAKER_16: Honestly, very nice.
25:52
SPEAKER_16: My name's Amy Silverberg.
25:54
SPEAKER_16: In that story, the teacher's name was Jamie Goldstein.
26:02
SPEAKER_16: Very close.
26:05
SPEAKER_16: In that story, he said that he wanted to have sex with the teacher on the handlebars of his bicycle.
26:12
SPEAKER_16: And that afterwards she would like it very much and feel fulfilled.
26:21
SPEAKER_16: I was like, you took the teacher's pleasure into account.
26:25
SPEAKER_16: B plus, baby, right?
26:28
SPEAKER_16: Not everybody does.
26:31
SPEAKER_16: You have to reward them when they do.
26:35
SPEAKER_16: I look young, so the female students always email me really familiarly in like lowercase letters.
26:43
SPEAKER_16: One of my students emailed me, she goes, Dear Amy, I won't be coming to class today.
26:47
SPEAKER_16: I took the morning after pill and I don't feel well.
26:50
SPEAKER_16: Dot dot dot.
26:51
SPEAKER_16: You know how it is.
26:56
SPEAKER_16: I was like, why do I know?
26:58
SPEAKER_16: Of course I know how it is.
27:02
SPEAKER_16: I was like, stay home, I use the Nuevering.
27:04
SPEAKER_16: It's very confusing.
27:06
SPEAKER_16: Comes out on the dick half the time, like a hula hoop.
27:12
SPEAKER_16: We're still figuring it out, you know?
27:15
SPEAKER_17: Yeah, I just graduated college a few months ago, so it is nice to be able to well, barely.
27:20
SPEAKER_17: I scraped by, but thank you.
27:21
SPEAKER_17: But it's just nice to be now I'm in an apartment, I'm not in a dorm, I can bring somebody home without having to check them into a building.
27:28
SPEAKER_17: That's a real upgrade.
27:29
SPEAKER_17: My least favorite part of sex was like clerical work.
27:32
SPEAKER_17: That was not really doing it for me.
27:35
SPEAKER_17: You don't want that step in the process.
27:37
SPEAKER_17: You want to be able to see someone at a bar, be like, let's fuck, and then go home and not think about it.
27:42
SPEAKER_17: You don't want a moment in between where you have to walk up to someone, look them in the eyes, and be like, this is who I chose.
27:49
SPEAKER_17: Like, it's not a good moment for anybody.
27:54
SPEAKER_17: Because there's a security guard there, and like she'll judge you.
27:57
SPEAKER_17: She won't say anything, but she would look back at you and every time be like, yeah, he's not gonna choke you with those tiny little forearms.
28:05
SPEAKER_17: Like, what do you think is happening?
28:07
SPEAKER_17: And you know what?
28:08
SPEAKER_17: She's right, he didn't.
28:09
SPEAKER_17: I asked him to stop.
28:10
SPEAKER_17: His hands were clammy.
28:11
SPEAKER_17: Don't fuck a dude with clammy hands.
28:14
SPEAKER_17: He was fingering me and he was like, You're so wet.
28:16
SPEAKER_17: And I was like, that's you.
28:18
SPEAKER_17: Um yeah, I'm not horny.
28:24
SPEAKER_17: You're nervous, but feels the same.
28:26
SPEAKER_17: So now we're I'm doing good, yeah.
28:31
SPEAKER_10: I just graduated college.
28:34
SPEAKER_10: Thank you.
28:35
SPEAKER_10: Thank you very much, thank you very much.
28:37
SPEAKER_10: Let me tell you, those were the best seven years of my life for that associate's degree.
28:43
SPEAKER_10: But uh, you know, we all learn at a different pace.
28:48
SPEAKER_10: Uh I'm doing phenomenal.
28:50
SPEAKER_10: Not to toot my own horn, but I'm doing great.
28:52
SPEAKER_10: I just finished two movies last month.
28:55
SPEAKER_10: Thank you very much.
28:56
SPEAKER_10: I appreciate it.
28:57
SPEAKER_10: Appreciate it.
28:58
SPEAKER_10: But you know what?
29:00
SPEAKER_10: That's the beauty of Netflix.
29:01
SPEAKER_10: Because when you finish the movie, you don't have to take it back.
29:04
SPEAKER_10: There's no fees.
29:05
SPEAKER_10: You just keep watching it over and over.
29:08
SPEAKER_10: It's unbelievable.
29:10
SPEAKER_10: You know what?
29:10
SPEAKER_10: Netflix is making bootleggers step their game up.
29:14
SPEAKER_10: I know that.
29:15
SPEAKER_10: I'm walking down the street the other day, bootlegger hops out of nowhere.
29:18
SPEAKER_10: It's like, he was like, yo, I got diplomas.
29:24
SPEAKER_10: What?
29:25
SPEAKER_10: He's like, I got bachelor's, master's, doctorates, all for$20.
29:30
SPEAKER_10: I was like, man, get your ass out of here.
29:32
SPEAKER_10: But then I was like, wait, hold up, let me check him out.
29:35
SPEAKER_10: Cause think about it, people, if you home and you got a degree hanging on your wall in the case, who is gonna check the authenticity of that?
29:45
SPEAKER_10: Wait, I know that's not a word, but who is gonna check?
29:50
SPEAKER_10: Told y'all I got an associate, like.
29:52
SPEAKER_03: I love Burger King.
29:54
SPEAKER_03: I went to Burger King so much when I was in college that I actually ended up sleeping with the drive-thru lady at the Burger King near my canvas.
30:04
SPEAKER_03: It's true.
30:06
SPEAKER_03: Do you know how frequently you have to eat fast food to develop a sexual rapport with the drive-thru lady?
30:15
SPEAKER_03: Like when the semester started in August, I would drive up and be like, Yeah, I'd like a number one.
30:19
SPEAKER_03: By October, I was like, What's up, girl?
30:21
SPEAKER_03: You know who it is, and you know what I want.
30:25
SPEAKER_03: Eventually, our romance fizzled out, and I still had to go to that same Burger King to try to get the food that I wanted.
30:33
SPEAKER_03: Trying to order fast food from a drive-thru lady that you fucked and pissed off, that's the impossible burger.