Latest / The Trauma Therapist / Guest Host Series: Christina Kantzavelos interviews Cassandra Solano, LCSW

Transcript

Guest Host Series: Christina Kantzavelos interviews Cassandra Solano, LCSW · The Trauma Therapist

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Trauma Diver's podcast. My name is Gamiferson
• 0:03
  Speaker 1: and I interview incredible people who share the story of
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: how trauma has shaped their lives. An A big thank
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: you for sponsoring today's episode goes to my guest and
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: our sponsors.
• 0:23
  Speaker 2: Hello, and welcome back to the Trauma Therapist podcast. My
• 0:27
  Speaker 2: name is Christina Consalo's. I am a guest host for
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  Speaker 2: Guy and I'm so excited to be here today with
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  Speaker 2: Cassandra Solano at Cassandra. Hi, Christina, thanks for having me.
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  Speaker 2: So nice to see your face because we haven't seen
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  Speaker 2: each other in a minute. Yeah, Cassandra and I went
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  Speaker 2: to grad school together, which is super cool. You know
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  Speaker 2: each other for a minute of my time though, Yeah, seriously,
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  Speaker 2: and we were at the same first year internship and
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  Speaker 2: it's wild to see, you know, where where paths and
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  Speaker 2: wives have taken us and still it feels very parallel
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  Speaker 2: in many ways, and it's quite refreshing for me as
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  Speaker 2: someone as a as a mental health practitioner in the field. So, Cassandra,
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  Speaker 2: tell us tell the world a little bit more about yourself.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, so, hi everybody. My name is Caseundra Soilono. I'm
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  Speaker 3: a first generation LATINX queer therapist and coach. So I
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  Speaker 3: work in a small, part time private practice. I'm also
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  Speaker 3: a full time mom with three narrow divergent kiddos, so
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  Speaker 3: that's my other job. And yeah, I see people for
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  Speaker 3: therapy in the city of California and then for coaching
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  Speaker 3: all over the world, and I support people through a
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  Speaker 3: trauma informed somatic approach. A lot of the folks that
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  Speaker 3: come to work with me really identify as like cycle
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  Speaker 3: breakers and people that want to heal their lineages and
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  Speaker 3: folks that you know often come from the global majority.
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  Speaker 3: But I work with all kinds.
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  Speaker 2: Of people.
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  Speaker 3: Who you know, really see themselves, maybe the group as
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  Speaker 3: the black sheep or the overfunctioning kid, the parentified kid,
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  Speaker 3: and they have been doing some work on themselves and
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  Speaker 3: are you know, really ready to go and do that
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  Speaker 3: deeper work to break free of those kind of stuck points,
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  Speaker 3: the self sabotaging behavior that's keeping them back from reaching
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  Speaker 3: their goals. So we do a lot of work around
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  Speaker 3: identifying family system dynamic issues, breaking codependency patterns, setting boundaries
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  Speaker 3: with families, getting clear on like what do they want
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  Speaker 3: from their life kind of and defining that outside of
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  Speaker 3: the stories that they were raised with and maybe the
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  Speaker 3: expectations of their parents and even their culture.
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  Speaker 2: And for you, like what most attracted to you to
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  Speaker 2: taking this path, right is kind of your own healing
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  Speaker 2: your own Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, So I've been in the broader counseling field actually
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  Speaker 3: for twenty years. I was a certified addiction treatment counselor
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  Speaker 3: since two thousand and five. So, and I think a
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  Speaker 3: lot of us come into this right as like the
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  Speaker 3: wounded healers ourselves, we have also overcome things. And as
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  Speaker 3: I continue to grow and work on my healing journey,
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  Speaker 3: I've been in my healing journey for twenty five years.
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  Speaker 3: I just think I will always be a student and
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  Speaker 3: a learner, and in my process, as I'm supporting others,
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  Speaker 3: my work also kind of evolves, right. So, you know,
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  Speaker 3: when I was younger, I focused a lot on helping
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  Speaker 3: people break cycles of unhealthy, toxic relationships because that was
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  Speaker 3: me for twenty years. I'm divorced, remarried and a much
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  Speaker 3: healthier relationship and worked on a lot of those attachment wounds.
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  Speaker 3: And I think now in my stage of life too,
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  Speaker 3: you know, really looking at it and thinking a lot
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  Speaker 3: about my own ancestral healing process and my own spiritual process.
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  Speaker 3: A lot of deconditioning from kind of fundamental Christianity is
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  Speaker 3: in there. And how am I, you know, raising my
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  Speaker 3: own like kids, right and influencing the other children in
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  Speaker 3: my life? I have nieces and nephews, and I am
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  Speaker 3: not the same kind of parent that their parents are.
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  Speaker 3: You know, we all have our different approaches, and so
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  Speaker 3: when they're with me, right, I am an adult that's
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  Speaker 3: influencing them. And I take that seriously as well.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, because we are we are future ancestors, right,
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  Speaker 2: And we were talking about the fact earlier, like you
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  Speaker 2: do not have to be a biological parent or technically
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  Speaker 2: have children to impact future generations, right right.
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  Speaker 3: I think it's really important that we brought in our
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  Speaker 3: kind of perspective of ancestors. You know, Indigenous people always
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  Speaker 3: have done this. Yes, your ancestors are your biological lineage.
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  Speaker 3: And for some people who don't have contact with their family,
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  Speaker 3: who are adopted, who you know, their family doesn't have
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  Speaker 3: recorded history for whatever reason of who they are and
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  Speaker 3: where their people come from, that can feel challenging sometimes.
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  Speaker 3: So you know, Indigenous people also understood our ancestors were
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  Speaker 3: you know, the mountains, the soil, the waters around where
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  Speaker 3: you were born. They can also be other people that
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  Speaker 3: you know who are teachers and writers and poets and
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  Speaker 3: use right, that like inspired you, that helped you along
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  Speaker 3: in your own process, that you you know, feel like
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  Speaker 3: you've built relationship with. It doesn't have to be biological.
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  Speaker 3: And I think that also helps us break free a
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  Speaker 3: little bit from this very like Western individualist perspective that
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  Speaker 3: it's about like just protecting me and mine and like
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  Speaker 3: the nuclear family, right, which I think has led to
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  Speaker 3: a lot of mental illness as well or exacerbated mental illness,
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  Speaker 3: like being disconnected from community. And right, that's all done
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  Speaker 3: by the people in power to maintain systems of power.
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  Speaker 3: But if we really brought in our perspective and our
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  Speaker 3: idea of like family to our community, you know, our neighbors.
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  Speaker 3: Our neighborhoods are cities or local environments you know, regional parks, oceans, rivers,
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  Speaker 3: landmarks that are around us that can really help restore
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  Speaker 3: sense of belonging and reciprocity and responsibility, you know, because
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  Speaker 3: we are not just responsible to ourselves in our own
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  Speaker 3: healing journeys. But I always tell people we do this work.
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  Speaker 3: We do this personal healing to hopefully expand our capacity
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  Speaker 3: to help others, right, to help our community, to participate
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  Speaker 3: in some small way to kind of the broader healing
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  Speaker 3: that the world needs right now.
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  Speaker 2: Amen to be in service in a way that feels
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  Speaker 2: in alignment, right and doesn't you know, also take away
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  Speaker 2: from you or you're able to pour from a fuller
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  Speaker 2: cup rather so many of us have been conditioned to
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  Speaker 2: pour from an empty cup. Especially talking about if you're
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  Speaker 2: the eldest, eldest otor of immigrants, It's like the amount
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  Speaker 2: of people pleasing and fawning just in order to survive.
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  Speaker 2: That dynamic is profound, and you know, it carries on
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  Speaker 2: until we decide no more, like I can, I can
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  Speaker 2: be a kind human without it harming me and others.
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  Speaker 2: And there's there's so much to this and something else
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  Speaker 2: you mentioned. It's like a lot of indigenous groups see
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  Speaker 2: things as you know, whatever decision and choice we make
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  Speaker 2: impacts seven generations right Like, it's not just me individually
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  Speaker 2: right now right here, it's it's me and my community
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  Speaker 2: and these future generally. It's like, yeah, not so much
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  Speaker 2: to be perfect, but progress over perfection. Just to be
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  Speaker 2: mindful and conscientious of those you know, of those decisions,
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  Speaker 2: and and so on and so forth.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, in this, in this thinking about ourselves seated in
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  Speaker 3: these lineages, seated in these communities, seated in these like
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  Speaker 3: change movements, or you know, whatever is your cause, right
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  Speaker 3: that you care about in the world. It's right not
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  Speaker 3: to hopefully make us feel like overwhelmed and burdened with like, oh, no,
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  Speaker 3: more responsibility when I've always been this overly responsible, traumatized,
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  Speaker 3: overfunctioning person like you said. It's like when we are
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  Speaker 3: able to truly heal and build our capacity, we're able
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  Speaker 3: to learn how to kind of check in and be
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  Speaker 3: mindful and monitor our fluctuating capacity. I always use the
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  Speaker 3: analogy of a phone battery. You know that we need
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  Speaker 3: to keep that charge, And ironically, we also tend to
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  Speaker 3: check our phone batteries more often than we check in
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  Speaker 3: with our own energy batteries. I think as like a culture,
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  Speaker 3: like our own bodies. Right, if we all checked in
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  Speaker 3: with our capacity like as often I think as we
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  Speaker 3: check our phone batteries, we'd be in a much different world.
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  Speaker 3: But you know, some things, like some apps take a
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  Speaker 3: lot more charge from us, right, I mean, I had
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  Speaker 3: like a little state tax fraud took all my money
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  Speaker 3: out of my bank account thing two days ago, and
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  Speaker 3: it was resolved and the bank put the money back,
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  Speaker 3: but it just that like sucked all my battery for
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  Speaker 3: the rest of the day dealing with that, and a
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  Speaker 3: little into the next day yesterday, you know. And so
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  Speaker 3: I just took it really easy and took very good
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  Speaker 3: care and laid down a lot and to like recharge, right. So,
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  Speaker 3: and when we get better, I think at holding that
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  Speaker 3: and maintaining that awareness, then we're better able to step
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  Speaker 3: into you know, community, into that like helping to share
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  Speaker 3: together that shared responsibility to make change in the world.
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  Speaker 3: And then also trusting our community and knowing when hey,
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  Speaker 3: I need a break, I need to step back and
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  Speaker 3: I'm going to like tag somebody else in because I
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  Speaker 3: need to take some time off. And that is a
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  Speaker 3: whole other commun you know, skill set of relationship building,
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  Speaker 3: communication skills, community building that we also like don't really
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  Speaker 3: learn a lot in our Western culture. And I actually
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  Speaker 3: think therapy is a really good place to learn those skills.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, I completely agree. I love the analogy with the
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  Speaker 2: phone battery because in the chronic illness community, we use
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  Speaker 2: the spoon theory, right like this is going to take
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  Speaker 2: this many spoons. But I actually think this phone battery,
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  Speaker 2: the phone battery makes a little bit more sense to
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  Speaker 2: me because sometimes like if I forget to charge my phone,
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  Speaker 2: it's at thirty percent, right, and then something like what
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  Speaker 2: happened too, I'm so sorry, that's annoying two days ago.
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  Speaker 2: If that happens like that would wipe me out completely
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  Speaker 2: to where I'd likely be in bed and have to
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  Speaker 2: cancel everything the next day because I would crab, I
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  Speaker 2: would crash. And basically my phone won't turn on until
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  Speaker 2: it's been charged for a bit. And we're no, we're
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  Speaker 2: no different. And the ways in which we recharge is
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  Speaker 2: different for for everyone. And what that what that looks like?
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  Speaker 2: It could be watching some TV, it could be in nature,
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  Speaker 2: it could be lying down reading a book, whatever it is.
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  Speaker 2: I think it's important for us to find to find
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  Speaker 2: those outlets, so to speak, that that really work for us.
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  Speaker 2: And I think also like we truly do heal in community,
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  Speaker 2: When we're around people we feel safe and courageous around
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  Speaker 2: it is so healing. And I think there's also this,
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  Speaker 2: you know, because you speak on activism quite a bit,
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  Speaker 2: there's this idea that being an activist or active is
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  Speaker 2: like so dysregulating to the nervous system, and I actually
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  Speaker 2: just disagree. I find like when we are with a
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  Speaker 2: community where you know, we have this this this goal,
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  Speaker 2: this intention to make the world a more peaceful, better
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  Speaker 2: safer place for all, that is extremely regulating to this system. Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: and I wanted I wanted to mention that as well.
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  Speaker 3: Yep, yep, it's it's you know, kind of ironic because
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  Speaker 3: it can feel kind of overwhelming, you know when you
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  Speaker 3: first start. But when you're when you find your people
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  Speaker 3: right and you find your role and you're not trying
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  Speaker 3: to maintain that individualist superhero mentality that you've got to
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  Speaker 3: do everything right and you learn how to trust and
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  Speaker 3: relax into community and into a team, which a lot
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  Speaker 3: of us didn't grow up in families that were like that,
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  Speaker 3: so you know that we kind of can set ourselves
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  Speaker 3: up for overwhelm and burnout. Whether it's you know, we're
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  Speaker 3: being an activist, we're at work, right, we're a parent,
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  Speaker 3: like we just continue that overfunctioning. I have to do
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  Speaker 3: it all myself. I don't trust other people to be
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  Speaker 3: there and shoulder this with me into like other areas
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  Speaker 3: of our lives.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, when we learn to be that we're human
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  Speaker 2: beings and not human doings out of conditioning, you know,
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  Speaker 2: I say, it's so much of adulthood, at least for myself,
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  Speaker 2: has been unlearning and right deconditioning. And we can do anything.
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  Speaker 2: We can't do everything. It's just it's not possible, and
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  Speaker 2: that's okay. And when we find that group of people,
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  Speaker 2: even a relationship, a therapist, what have you, where we
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  Speaker 2: don't have to mask, we can just be ourselves. It's
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  Speaker 2: just it really does fill us up, right, I say
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  Speaker 2: that too. It's like I'm this, Uh, I'm an introvert
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  Speaker 2: until I'm around the people I don't have to mask
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  Speaker 2: around all of a sudden full of energy. So, you know,
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  Speaker 2: being being mindful of that what is it and who
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  Speaker 2: is it? You know that that is able to foster
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  Speaker 2: that relationship with you? Who can cultivate that with you?
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  Speaker 2: So for someone who is kind of like listening to
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  Speaker 2: this and just starting, just starting on this path, and
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  Speaker 2: it feels really kind of overwhelming, like they're hearing what
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  Speaker 2: you're saying, you know on Instagram, like wow, this person
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  Speaker 2: really gets me, understands me. Like where where can they start.
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  Speaker 2: What can they do to start?
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, So the first thing I want to offer is
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  Speaker 3: building your capacity for self compassion. And that is just
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  Speaker 3: no matter if you're just starting a healing journey, if
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  Speaker 3: you've been doing this for a while, if you're feeling stuck.
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  Speaker 3: I always like recommend we check back in with that,
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  Speaker 3: like are we judging ourselves for where we're at? Are
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  Speaker 3: we expecting ourselves to be somewhere we're not? Are we
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  Speaker 3: telling a story that where we're at is like wrong
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  Speaker 3: or it's bad? Are we expecting more from ourselves and
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  Speaker 3: our current capacity? Like allows because you know, and this
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  Speaker 3: is kind of a little bit of like acceptance and
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  Speaker 3: commitment therapy, which you know is basically like psychological Buddhism.
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  Speaker 3: But anyways, it's really like coming into radical acceptance. You know,
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  Speaker 3: where I'm at right now without all the story, all
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  Speaker 3: the judgment, all the yucky stuff, Like what would it
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  Speaker 3: mean if like where you're at right now is just
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  Speaker 3: like it's just neutral, Like it's just what it is.
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  Speaker 3: Like we don't have to like dress it up as
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  Speaker 3: rainbows and sunshine or like everything happens for a reason.
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  Speaker 3: We can just say, hey, like let's just look at
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  Speaker 3: where you're at right now, like with clear eyes and
• 16:50
  Speaker 3: just say, Okay, yep, this is what's going on, this
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  Speaker 3: is what you're struggling with, This is where your challenges are, like,
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  Speaker 3: and you have been through so much and maybe some
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  Speaker 3: of the things that you're struggling with are ways that
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  Speaker 3: you know you like needed to be to get through
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  Speaker 3: like a really difficult childhood or a really challenging toxic
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  Speaker 3: job in the past, you know, and they like were
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  Speaker 3: there to protect you, to help you adapt to a
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  Speaker 3: dysfunctional environment. Right. So kind of taking just that like
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  Speaker 3: assessment with as much compassion and neutrality can help like
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  Speaker 3: diffuse a lot of like the emotional charge, right, and
• 17:35
  Speaker 3: then we can start looking at okay, like what that now,
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  Speaker 3: how can we look at you know, some of those stories.
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  Speaker 3: Where can we start like building safety within our body
• 17:47
  Speaker 3: to start maybe locating somatically like where some of this
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  Speaker 3: trauma is like held and start to work on like
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  Speaker 3: processes to to you know, complete that stress response cycle
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  Speaker 3: and process out that trauma. But if we're still judging
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  Speaker 3: ourselves and talking crap to ourselves about ourselves or just
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  Speaker 3: like not accept not accepting just like where things are,
• 18:12
  Speaker 3: and again you don't have to love it, right, I
• 18:15
  Speaker 3: don't love that Southern California has gotten a lot more
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  Speaker 3: humid in recent years in the summer, but I accept it.
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  Speaker 3: I'm not going to go out when it's ninety degrees
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  Speaker 3: and humid on a summer day and like be like, no,
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  Speaker 3: it's raining and forty degrees. Like, you can accept something
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  Speaker 3: and not approve of it. You can accept something and
• 18:33
  Speaker 3: not like it. You can accept something and wish it
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  Speaker 3: was different. Right, So starting with that foundation of acceptance
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  Speaker 3: and like just compassion for everything you've been through and
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  Speaker 3: how you've found all these like subconscious ways sometimes when
• 18:50
  Speaker 3: you were really young to adapt and then just how
• 18:54
  Speaker 3: those adaptations maybe aren't serving you anymore, is like always
• 18:59
  Speaker 3: a good place to start and to return to.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, that radical acceptance and radical compassion piece are so
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  Speaker 2: so so vital and healing because it can feel radical
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  Speaker 2: right when it can we have the sense of it
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  Speaker 2: being so you know, black or white. If I like this,
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  Speaker 2: then it's mutually exclusive to this other feeling. No, we can,
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  Speaker 2: like you said, accept it and not like it at
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  Speaker 2: the same time, one does not cancel out the other
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  Speaker 2: in our experience. Yeah, So Cassandra, like where can what
• 19:36
  Speaker 2: are you offering right now? Where can people find you? Yeah?
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  Speaker 3: Thanks for asking. Yeah, so again, if you identify as
• 19:45
  Speaker 3: a cycle breaker, if you you know, are looking for
• 19:51
  Speaker 3: to work with somebody that will look at your astrology
• 19:54
  Speaker 3: and your human design chart, because that's also important in
• 19:57
  Speaker 3: understanding who you are or talk to you about you know,
• 20:02
  Speaker 3: the WU. In addition to write this neuroscience polyvagel like
• 20:08
  Speaker 3: like therapy things, definitely check me out. You can find
• 20:12
  Speaker 3: me on Instagram at Healing Lineages. You can also go
• 20:16
  Speaker 3: to my website Cassandrasolano dot com. I have a blog there.
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  Speaker 2: I also have.
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  Speaker 3: My information about how to work with me one on
• 20:27
  Speaker 3: one in my coaching program. That information is available on
• 20:33
  Speaker 3: my website as well.
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  Speaker 2: Fantastic And if there is one thing you wish for
• 20:40
  Speaker 2: people listening or watching to part with today, what would
• 20:44
  Speaker 2: that be?
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  Speaker 3: So, I know, we talked a lot about finding this
• 20:48
  Speaker 3: balance of you know, stretching into like what can we
• 20:55
  Speaker 3: do right, like what, but also knowing like when to
• 20:59
  Speaker 3: rest right and kind of that that pendulation. And I
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  Speaker 3: think it's also important to think about this in terms
• 21:07
  Speaker 3: of healing lineages and ancestral healing sometimes you know, again,
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  Speaker 3: we can take that over functioning. I gotta be perfect
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  Speaker 3: and do it all attitude into our healing work. And
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  Speaker 3: I always say, like, if we were going to look
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  Speaker 3: at a graph of like functioning and trauma, it's definitely
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  Speaker 3: been on a downward trend for generations. And you know,
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  Speaker 3: my I think my parents really were at the bottom,
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  Speaker 3: and for all of their faults, they did a little
• 21:42
  Speaker 3: bit better than their parents did. Their parents did some
• 21:47
  Speaker 3: you know, pretty gnar linkings to them, and while my
• 21:50
  Speaker 3: parents were did use corporal punishment and more physically abusive
• 21:54
  Speaker 3: in that way, they they did a little bit better.
• 21:59
  Speaker 3: So you know, we've kind of moved the dot up
• 22:01
  Speaker 3: one point, and I think in my healing journey, I've
• 22:06
  Speaker 3: moved it up like so much more, you know, like
• 22:10
  Speaker 3: this kind of line graph of healing. And but I
• 22:12
  Speaker 3: also don't expect me to break every cycle and to
• 22:16
  Speaker 3: like completely be the one that like you know, completely
• 22:20
  Speaker 3: heals my lineage, and right, that's like kind of egocentric
• 22:25
  Speaker 3: to think like you have to heal everything and like
• 22:27
  Speaker 3: be perfect, Like we have to kind of take a
• 22:30
  Speaker 3: broader perspective, right, And a lot of indigenous cultures did
• 22:34
  Speaker 3: think of things in terms of generations and generations and
• 22:37
  Speaker 3: to have the humility of like. But I'm also just
• 22:40
  Speaker 3: one person doing the best I can here, and I
• 22:43
  Speaker 3: hope that my kids will be even better than me,
• 22:47
  Speaker 3: that they'll be more you know, mentally, well have healthier relationships.
• 22:51
  Speaker 3: I am already seen out with my teenagers and you
• 22:54
  Speaker 3: know the friends and the people they're choosing to date,
• 22:57
  Speaker 3: and that you know, if they have kids, their kids
• 23:00
  Speaker 3: will be even healthier than me.
• 23:02
  Speaker 2: Right, Like, I want.
• 23:04
  Speaker 3: To be able to look and be like, wow, you
• 23:07
  Speaker 3: guys are like doing so much better than I've ever done,
• 23:10
  Speaker 3: and I love that for you. So just you know, again,
• 23:14
  Speaker 3: be easy on yourself. You are doing I'm sure you
• 23:17
  Speaker 3: are always doing the best you can with what you have.
• 23:19
  Speaker 3: You're just one person in this longer lineage. Or you
• 23:23
  Speaker 3: know of your family, of your community, and you know
• 23:27
  Speaker 3: what you are doing, I'm sure is more than enough.
• 23:32
  Speaker 2: Beautiful. Beautiful also the message I needed to hear today.
• 23:35
  Speaker 2: So Cassandra, thank you for coming on here and sharing
• 23:39
  Speaker 2: your profound wisdom with all of us. And again, if
• 23:43
  Speaker 2: you're listening or watching, take a moment to go check
• 23:46
  Speaker 2: out Cassandra's work. It's every post. I'm just like yes, yes, yes,
• 23:51
  Speaker 2: it's amazing for me of course, and lots of love
• 23:55
  Speaker 2: to everyone who came on to see us today. Take care,
• 24:01
  Speaker 2: it's acomplishing