Latest / Topeka Bible Church Audio Archive / April 11, 2023 | Expresso - Cory Verge

Transcript

April 11, 2023 | Expresso - Cory Verge · Topeka Bible Church Audio Archive

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's a privilege for me to be here this evening and to share with you.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: I guess some don't realize I am moving to Georgia.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: I was telling a friend the other day is I tend to not stay anywhere stay put anywhere too long.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I really thought I'd spend the next 15 years or so here.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: But God has plans that are different.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: But I pray that my mind is clear enough and my conversation is clear enough that I can eloquently share with you my thoughts and my heart and what God has been doing in my life of recent.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I thought I would start not with my beginning but my end.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: And not meaning I'm gonna die tonight, unbeknownst to me, but just the other day, last week, I had my last day of working over at Loman Hill Elementary School.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: I had decided to work there with the blessing of the church to supplement my income as I am a supported missionary of TBC.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: And it was a great, joyful, and sorrowful day.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: I am a people person and I love deeply, and my empathy bar is very high.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: And over there, there's a lot of broken people, both staff and children, and it was hard to leave.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I finally pulled the cards out today at home that the kids made, the whole school, different kids made me cards.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: I had a stack of them, and I went through them and I'm just like crying, you know.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: But um, you know, there's broken people in this world, lots of them, and we're included in that.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: But I say, how can people live without Christ?
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: Because I can't.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: It's impossible for me to be able to survive without Jesus Christ.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: And this is one of my biggest motivations of sharing Jesus Christ with others is that they need to know the Lord.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: My empathy button says you can't sit in that alone.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to come alongside them and I want to show them and share with them who Jesus Christ is.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: And love and truth.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: We can love people really well, but we also need to tell them the truth.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you love them really well, they say you are a good person.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: But with the truth, we lead them to the the Savior, the one who can actually save them from their problems.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: So that's my message tonight, and I hope I can do that through different experiences.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: Um, starting with the last day at school, um, the I would I was done work at um 250, but I heard on the radio a call for help in the PE room, so I thought, why not?
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: Um so I went down there, and the PE teacher, older man, has all these kindergartners, and they have been difficult children to have in the gym, um, playing with a parachute.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: So I went in to help and I helped manage the children while he tried to instruct.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: Well, in that class was this one little young boy, I will call him Jimmy Boy, because he's just as cute as that name is to me, Jimmy Boy.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: And he is not in kindergarten, but he is severely autistic and nonverbal.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: And so he's in that class, and he was having a grand old time with that parachute, stepping on it, and when he's not supposed to, but everyone was understanding of him and everything.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: Well, he has a paraprofessional who's on one-on-one with him to keep him in the classroom, keep him safe, etc.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: Well, he got away, and all of a sudden she's yelling, get Jimmy Boy! And so um she's much older than I am, a little heavier set, and she's throwing her purse and running after Jimmy Boy.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: And so I'm like, Corey, I'll get him, I'll get him.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: So then I leave my dog, which is over in that corner, um, that goes to school with me, and I say, You stay.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I ran after Jimmy Boy, and I ran around her, and he's already out of sight, and I ran out of the gym around the corner, and he is already halfway down the hall.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I thought, the exit is just on the other end of that hallway.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm like, booking it.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: You can just picture me, right?
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: Boom, going.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: I was a track star.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: No, I wasn't.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but I was a sports person, so it's like, okay, he toes down, you know, heels up.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: Well, how's that go?
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: Toes up, heels down, lift those knees, head up, pump.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I was booking it.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sure I was going all of five miles an hour.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: But inside I felt like I had to give it my all and catch up to this little boy that was fast.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I was catching up, and I was like, you can do this, Corey, the pep top.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, we're talking one, not even a minute, this all took place, but it seemed like a very long time in my head as I'm, you know, pumping it out.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: And so, and I'm like, you can do this, you can do this.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: Get up, keep going, pump harder, go, go, go.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm doing my pep top as I'm trying to catch him and see him get closer and closer to the door.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: And then out steps a lady from around the corner and stops him and catches him.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: And so he was safe.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: That was the goal.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: Keep him safe.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: But it's a lesson.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I thought, what a great illustration.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: I actually asked them, can we have the video of this?
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: Because everything's recorded over there, and they said, no, we can't.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it probably wouldn't look good with an older white lady chasing a little young brown-skinned boy, you know.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: But um, yeah.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: There's this I can mentality in society today.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: I can do it, I'm empowered, I'm capable.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I will say I'm cocky and I will try anything.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: And running after him and running as hard as I can, going, I'm not gonna catch him, I'm not gonna be able to get him.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: But yes, you can go, go, go, try as hard as you can, go, go, go, because that's the best we can do.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: Does that make sense?
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but at the end, unbeknownst to me would be coming a lady, a staff member around the corner who could stop him and keep him safe.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: And isn't that the way our God is?
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: So often we strive to do the things that need to be done.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: To we see the needs, we do our best to get it done, but we don't get the privilege of seeing on the upside of the canvas and seeing God's big plan in this and how He is actually coming to the rescue for Jimmy Boy.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: And so I thought I wanted to start with that story because that is a life lesson that God is constantly having to teach me and remind me of.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: So just for those who may not know, I started as a missionary with TBC in 1993.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: I was sent out in 1994 to the Philippines, and I started out as a teacher in a Chinese school and taught there for three years.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: And while I was doing that, um I have a heart for my neighbors wherever I go, and um just reaching out to the children in the neighborhood, getting very involved with children outside of the school, and then our office was down a ways from my house, and I came out one night and was surrounded by a gang, and they were throwing rocks and glass and had leather strips with bones and glass in it, and just a big old fight.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: And I was actually in the middle of it, and so um my reaction was you stop, go home, stop, go, go now.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: And they listened, and I was shocked at that.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry, I'm playing with the mic.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and at that point, I'm like, God, these kids, they don't have anything to do, and you know, what can we do?
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: And so at that point, um, I started doing an outreach for the youth in the city, gangs in particular, and I would have an activity once a month for them, something very fun.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and then off of that had a Bible study.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: And one of the events I took them on was a camping trip.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: And that camping trip, um it was bare bones.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's like bring your blanket, bring your water, we'll bring a food, we'll bring fire, uh wood and fire, and we're gonna camp out under the stars.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: And um, maybe I was a little naive or something, but where we camped was tall grass, and there's lots of like snakes, cobras, and things.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: And um, but we camped out in that area.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: It was up on a hill, and we just spent, it was just a one-night deal because we had to carry everything, and we had a great time.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: I shared the word with them in the evening.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: We played games, we played games well into the night, running through the grass and everything, really stupid stuff.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but no one got hurt, the Lord protect us.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: And then uh the next morning we had devotions and we played more games, packed up, and went on our way.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: Parents called and said, you know, what did you do to my son?
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I thought I was in trouble.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: And they're like, He's he's not the same, he's different.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: And uh that grew into will you take us camping?
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: The parents were asking.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and then church pastors were asking, would you do camp for our kids and stuff?
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: And that's how Camp Karras birthed.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: Um, TBC is the found co-founders of Camp Karas, and they've come over and helped build that camp.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: So I spent 10 years working on that camp in Camp Karas, and it's it's growing and uh thriving today.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: Um, the hurricane did take out the mango trees, um, but they're trying to grow back.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: So the mango trees, there's 130 mango trees.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: I became a mango farmer, and um the Lord used that to finance the camp.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: So it was a big hit by the hurricane, but um, they have been able to make it through through all of that.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: God is good.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'm getting off on a tangent here.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: Um that I can mentality that I had, I did not grow up with that.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: I was I can't child.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: I cried a lot.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: I was the crybaby of the family.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um I can't do that.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: I couldn't tie my shoes, I couldn't do anything.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: My sister did it for me.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: She was my rock.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: And uh she reminded me I couldn't do things.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: So I grew up with that mentality.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: I can't do it, I can't do it.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I think some of the training from my parents helped, and uh God definitely intervened in my I can't mentality to give me an I can, I can go overseas and live, I can um do this outreach, I can't.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: Well, my first thing was a Bible study in the States.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: Intimidated, God put it on my heart.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: Start a Bible study, and I'm like, I can't, I can't.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: These are my friends, they won't listen to me, I can't, and he's like, start a Bible study, I can't.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I started it and they wanted to attend, and it was a fruitful Bible study.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: Um just over and over I've seen God say, You can, but you can't.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: You can, but you can't.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: You can do it with me.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: I will go before you, I will go behind you, I will be with you, I am your helper, I am doing the work.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: All I'm asking you to do is go and be.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: And that's um, he's constantly told me that over and over.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: Deuteronomy 6.5, one of my favorite verses, many of you know this.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: I had to learn that, and I'm still learning it.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I didn't I didn't watch the time, so okay.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: So love the Lord your God with all your heart.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: When I became a Christian, um, I loved the Lord with all my heart as much as I understood it.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: But then as I was growing up in my teen years, I realized I was getting in trouble at school, get in trouble in Sunday school, and I realized I had a double life going on.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: I was a good kid in church, and I was honory in school.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: I gambled, I fought, I um lied, I cussed, and um it started spilling into my good persona in the home.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: I remember cussing at the table one time.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: My mom did not like that.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: Um uh attitude in Sunday school got me in trouble, a phone call home, and it was catching up to me.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: And uh it was at that point that I realized that a verse they had taught us um uh for the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: I realized He wasn't Lord, I was Lord of my life, I was boss, I did the things that were expected of me.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: I did the memorizing of Sunday school verses, I did all that because I love God.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: But when I was in school, public school, I was oh, this is fun.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, in woodworking, we had woodworking.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: I made the pot pipes for my friends who smoke pot, but I never smoked pot because that's illegal.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: So you see how conflicted my life was?
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: And God, He loves us, He loves us when we're crazy, silly like that.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: He loves us so much, even in our weakness, even in our sin, He loves us, and He constantly showed that to me over and over.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: He never hit me hard and said, Bam, I'm gonna get you.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: That's so wrong.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: No, he he he was gentle.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: He was prodding me, calling me, but ever so gentle, ever so tender, waiting for the right moments to catch my attention.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: And when he did, I was in ninth grade, heading into ninth grade, and I fell flat on my face in front of the Lord, and I was on the floor, and I'm like, you, you, you need to be Lord.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: I've been Lord in my life, I've been boss.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: No, I want you to be boss, I want you to be Lord.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: And that's when I saw a lot of change in my life.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: And um my grades improved, my attitude improved, my happiness improved.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I think I started loving others more than myself at that point.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_00: I have not arrived.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but it's a it's a growing spot.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: So now jump forward.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: I've been in the field for 24 years.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: The last three years of it was very, very difficult.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: The times in the Philippines were hard.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: I think of the church.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: Um at one point, a new pastor came in to lead the church that we built, us missionaries.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: He was a Filipino, and he accused me of being gay.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_00: Because how can you be a single woman at my age and not be married?
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: And he accused me of being gay.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: And another young man who was Filipino who had pursued me in a relationship for years, uh I did not, um, he courted me, I did not accept, and he sided with him.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: He said she must be gay because she rejected me.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I had the whole church turn against me because he told him I was gay and that I was having sex with a female partner.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: And that was traumatic.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: Because this was the church that we built, this was the people that I loved, and one man could come in and take my life, my reputation, and twist it.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: And um I remember Jim Cogden emailing me saying, You don't have to stay in that church, but I decided to stay because if I left that church, it would be saying I'm guilty.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I stayed, and people wouldn't sit with me, and I had all the kids, I was raising kids over there, they wouldn't sit with us, they wouldn't talk with us, but every day we geared up and okay, let's go worship the Lord.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: We go and go to church and then leave.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: And in my quiet time, my private times, I would cry from the rejection, from the pain.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: But the Lord was gracious, and in a year's time, he put me at church discipline, stripped me of all my responsibilities in the church.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: And a year later, he calls me, and I'm thinking we're finally gonna have a conversation to for restoration because I did everything he wanted me to do.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_00: And um he called and I met with him and he says, Corey, help me, everybody's angry at me, everybody's mad.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_00: Well, he made accusations.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: The financial guy was stealing money, he made accusations of all the leaders in the church, and then the church um he was like, Help me, they're all mad at me.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: So I called a church meeting actually and got everyone together, and we had a powwow of love and forgiveness and truth.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: And um, I received apologies from all the other members, and um they forgave one another, and it was a really beautiful scene, but it was a very painful, lonely year for me because this is a small town, this is not like a big city where you're not everybody knows you, and not only did the church get that news, the whole community got that news and ruined my reputation with a word.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: So then now bounce back to forward to Indonesia.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: The Lord is gracious, he saw us through all that.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_00: I'm I'm not a quitter.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: I fight through things, I go on, and I'm in Indonesia now.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_00: The mission has sent me there across the world to say, you'll know what you need to do there.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_00: We need to help find a way to keep missionaries on the field.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_00: And for three years, I tried this and I tried that, and it felt like nothing was taking.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, what am I doing here?
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_00: Lord, I have no idea, but I'm not quitting, and I kept pursuing the different openings he gave.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: Long story short, I started a business there.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_00: It's called Core Solutions, it's a management man consulting management company, and we help people start up businesses as missions, both nationals and foreigners.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_00: And while I was doing this, I was in a fellowship, and there was a lady there, um Australian, who had three Indonesian children.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_00: Long story short, I realized she was abusing these children.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_00: And um needed to do something about it because I caught her red-handed, sexually abusing one of the children.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_00: And I did.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_00: I got help, but it turns real sour real quick.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I felt like I was reliving the experience in the Philippines.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_00: Half the church was mad at me because the police were involved and they're very corrupt.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_00: And um, so what happened was half the church was mad at me for telling on her, the other half was supportive, tell them everything, the police, tell them everything.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_00: In doing this, half the church was rejecting me again, and it just brought back all the emotions of the previous experience.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_00: But on top of that, because the police are corrupt, they had someone following me 24-7.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_00: They um hacked my emails.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_00: Even when I went to a conference in Thailand, they knew I was there, and then I was receiving phone calls from Australia because the police had taken my testimony and interrogation.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_00: They'd taken my testimony and sent it to someone in Australia.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_00: So then I was being pursued by legal in Australia, and from there, Denise, the what do you call that person?
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_00: The bad guy, she um put a hit out on me when she found out I was the one that um told on her.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_00: And so I had a gunman come up on me on a highway.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_00: Um I was driving my motorcycle, he was driving his motorcycle, and he came in front of me and then pulled out his pistol and um aimed at me.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if he fired.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_00: Motorcycles are allowed, it's allowed over there.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know, but I was like, the only thing that came to my mind, you're gonna laugh, but it was MacGyver.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_00: Not that I had any tools to use, but it was like, go this way, slow down, go that way, dodge the bullets, you know.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_00: That's exactly what I was doing in the moment because your life flashes in front of you.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_00: And so, what happened with all of this that was happening going on?
• 21:59
  SPEAKER_00: Um Oh, then long story short, they had another interrogation that was not friendly because they felt like I was helping Denise.
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_00: And that non-friendly interrogation was what we call the straw that broke the camel's back.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_00: Because when I came out of that interrogation, I broke down crying hard, like I couldn't see.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_00: I was driving.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_00: I had to pull over.
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_00: I could not see.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_00: And then when I went to talk, I stuttered.
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't have a normal talking pattern.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_00: I was a hundred percent stutterer.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_00: And as time went on, my face started contorting and I couldn't control it.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_00: The muscles were so tense, I guess, they just started moving my face in all sorts of weird positions.
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I went to get medical help, and that's where I was diagnosed with PTSD.
• 22:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember saying, I thought soldiers got that.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_00: And then I later I said, Well, I am a soldier of Christ, you know.
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_00: But the body could only take so much stress.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_00: And um the nightmares, the flashback started, the lack of sleep, the things you may know about PTSD is post-traumatic stress syndrome.
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_00: And what I learned was I through all the things, and the flashbacks were some things from early childhood to things that happened in the Philippines, violent deaths, things that I took care of as a missionary medically, they were all coming back, but with thunderous emotion that wasn't there when it really happened.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_00: It just was like, oh, devastating, devastating, devastating.
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_00: Whereas when the really the when it really happened, it was like, oh my goodness, we need to get him, you know, to the doctor immediately.
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_00: And it was go, go, go.
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but this time it was all emotion and the tragedy of seeing these violent deaths, violent situations.
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_00: Um and I I it's like the life my world came crashing down because I was an ICANN person, and all of a sudden I lost my ability to read.
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_00: I have notes here, I'm not using them very well.
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_00: But I could read, I didn't lose the logic of how to read, but I had no idea what I was reading.
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_00: It was like a foreign language.
• 24:25
  SPEAKER_00: I lost the I have a visual cognitive disconnect, so I cannot get your name right all the time.
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it was really bad before.
• 24:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like I have Christmas cards in my files that were supposed to be sent out, but I had sent a few out as I got them done, and then I my friends are like, oh, we got your Christmas card.
• 24:47
  SPEAKER_00: Look, and they took a picture.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't their card.
• 24:50
  SPEAKER_00: I had their address, but someone else's card.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_00: So there's this visual cognitive disconnect.
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_00: They explain it similar to like a stroke, and the stuttering is a misfire, the brain misfiring.
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_00: And so I I had to come home.
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_00: I stayed there a year and a half with PTSD because I was starting this business and I needed to get it done.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_00: That was my mentality.
• 25:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not sure that was a wise move, but the Lord blessed it.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_00: But in coming home, um I shared with a lot of people about what I'm struggling with, and I will say that there are not 100% proof empathetic people in society and in the church.
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I wanted to talk about this just a little bit because I think it's very important for us to hear.
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_00: Um, when we think about people who don't know the Lord, we tend to be a little more gracious with their needs, their brokenness.
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_00: But I think we can say even in families, we tend to be a little less patient with people than we would outside the family.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_00: Does that make sense?
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 26:15
  SPEAKER_00: Um in our brokenness, we don't always fully understand what people are going through.
• 26:22
  SPEAKER_00: And um I realized when I came home and came to Topeka Bible Church that I needed to do a little bit of verbalizing more what it is I'm going through because people don't understand.
• 26:41
  SPEAKER_00: Because I would get pulled aside in the foyer and say, you need to just pull up your big girl britches and move on.
• 26:50
  SPEAKER_00: Or can you memorize more verses to like to get rid of the PTSD?
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_00: Or you need to ask forgiveness for your sin.
• 27:01
  SPEAKER_00: Or you need to forgive.
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_00: And um that those are heartbreaking to hear.
• 27:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um, one, because I'm pretty forgiving person, and I really have a huge love and empathetic button for people.
• 27:19
  SPEAKER_00: Um and no, I'm not free from sin.
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_00: But God is gracious and loving and kind and patient.
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_00: And none of that felt like words that were helping me with my PTSD.
• 27:37
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, it was feeling like a beat down.
• 27:42
  SPEAKER_00: And um, you know, if I didn't have the Lord and if I didn't have audio Bible, I think I really would have been lost.
• 27:51
  SPEAKER_00: But you know, God says all scripture is God breathed.
• 27:54
  SPEAKER_00: It's useful for teaching, correcting, rebuking, and training and righteousness.
• 27:59
  SPEAKER_00: And I look at what I was going through and saying, God, what am I, what am I supposed to learn?
• 28:06
  SPEAKER_00: Why is this happening now?
• 28:09
  SPEAKER_00: What what is it?
• 28:13
  SPEAKER_00: How do I get rid of it?
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_00: How do I fix it?
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_00: And God gently held me.
• 28:25
  SPEAKER_00: And he let me know.
• 28:27
  SPEAKER_00: He said, basically, I just want you to rest.
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_00: You just need to rest.
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_00: And that was a foreign word to me because I've been a wakaholic for most of my life, and I was calculating my time at Camp Karas, it was a big project, and I worked overtime, an average of eight to nine hours a day, six days a week.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_00: And if you calculate that, which I did, over a 10-year span, that's 25,920 hours of overtime.
• 29:04
  SPEAKER_00: That's 54 hours a week of overtime.
• 29:08
  SPEAKER_00: I was exhausted, and I never stopped.
• 29:13
  SPEAKER_00: And God saying, Rest.
• 29:17
  SPEAKER_00: And in that rest, he also taught me that, like when I'm running down the hallway, I can, I can.
• 29:26
  SPEAKER_00: He was saying, but you don't have to.
• 29:29
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to, I can, I can.
• 29:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just asking, are you willing?
• 29:37
  SPEAKER_00: And you would think I'd know that lesson better, but he has to keep reminding me, I can.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_00: I've got it all planned out.
• 29:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just asking, are you willing?
• 29:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I think for us women, it's really important for us to hear that because we can be intimidated and we can doubt and we can worry.
• 30:00
  SPEAKER_00: Um, maybe raise your hand if you haven't hitting any buttons that you've been there one time in your life, just once, you know.
• 30:06
  SPEAKER_00: But it is in our nature to nurture, but it's also in our nature, our sinful nature to worry and to feel um ill-equipped.
• 30:20
  SPEAKER_00: And yet God says, You can.
• 30:24
  SPEAKER_00: I've empowered you, not as the world has used that word, but um as he has.
• 30:30
  SPEAKER_00: He said, The person who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence indeed is in the Lord, is blessed.
• 30:37
  SPEAKER_00: He will be like a tree planted by water.
• 30:39
  SPEAKER_00: It sends its roots out toward a stream, it doesn't fear when heat comes, it and its foliage remains green.
• 30:47
  SPEAKER_00: It will not worry in a year of drought or cease producing fruit.
• 30:52
  SPEAKER_00: This is a promise from God, Jeremiah 17, 7 and 9.
• 30:56
  SPEAKER_00: And it's so true, but our dependency has to be on him, and our eyes and our mind have to be on him because he gives us gifts, and we can use those gifts and do, do, do.
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_00: But sometimes he's not asking us to do, he's asking us to be, and just to be his child and be love and be truth to those around us, and you find out that it's much more effective than all that doing.
• 31:30
  SPEAKER_00: Not to say we don't do, he has a mission for us, a plan for us, and we are called to do.
• 31:37
  SPEAKER_00: But if you're overfatigued, if you're exhausted, if your joy is being robbed from you, ask the question, Lord, what do I need to know?
• 31:51
  SPEAKER_00: Who am I supposed to be?
• 31:54
  SPEAKER_00: What am I supposed to do?
• 31:56
  SPEAKER_00: Because in his plan, his perfect plan, there is rest and there's perfect peace.
• 32:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so just sharing my heart, what I've been going through.
• 32:09
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it's just such a a glimpse of it all.
• 32:13
  SPEAKER_00: But um I am grateful to be able to share with you about this, and I'm grateful that you came out tonight and those listening online.
• 32:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um, may the Lord bless you and keep you.
• 32:27
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and just be brave, be bold in the Lord.
• 32:33
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.