Latest / The Parenting Podcast / What the Little-Kid Years Actually Feel Like | Ep. 210

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What the Little-Kid Years Actually Feel Like | Ep. 210 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:00
  Christie: Okay, well I could give you my phone or you could throw the things outta the cart and throw a tantrum.
• 0:06
  Speaker: There's something really good about sitting down with moms who are right in the middle of raising little kids.
• 0:14
  Speaker: The exhaustion, the second-guessing, the funny moments, the tension, the figuring out as you go parts of parenting that so many parents quietly carry around every day.
• 0:32
  Speaker: I love this, because it felt genuine and familiar in the best way.
• 0:39
  Speaker: Just an honest conversation with what those years really look like while you're living
• 0:45
  them.
• 0:54
  Cheryl: One of the things that's fun to do on the podcast is to have experts, right?
• 1:00
  Christie: Yes.
• 1:01
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 1:01
  Cheryl: So today we have experts in the room with us.
• 1:05
  Cheryl: We've got two young moms.
• 1:07
  Cheryl: And because they're on the front line of the battlefield Mm.
• 1:11
  Cheryl: Of being mothers of little children.
• 1:13
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 1:14
  Cheryl: That makes them experts.
• 1:14
  Christie: That is very true.
• 1:16
  Cheryl: Particularly in what's hard uhhuh and challenging and their hearts.
• 1:21
  Cheryl: So welcome.
• 1:24
  Cheryl: Maddie Ifland You've been here before,
• 1:25
  Madi: yes.
• 1:26
  Cheryl: It's been a while, right?
• 1:27
  Madi: Yeah.
• 1:28
  Madi: I don't even know when that feels like another life.
• 1:31
  Cheryl: I know.
• 1:31
  Cheryl: I feel the same thing.
• 1:33
  Cheryl: And we have Bree Nielsen.
• 1:34
  Cheryl: Bree, welcome to TPP.
• 1:36
  Bre: Well, thank you.
• 1:37
  Cheryl: I'm,
• 1:37
  Bre: I'm a newbie over here.
• 1:39
  Cheryl: We all feel like newbies.
• 1:40
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 1:41
  Carol: So we haven't done, A focus on the parenting of little children in a while uhhuh.
• 1:47
  Carol: Mm-hmm.
• 1:47
  Carol: And so we had our experts come in, y'all thank you for your availability.
• 1:52
  Madi: Mm-hmm.
• 1:52
  Cheryl: Tell us about your families.
• 1:53
  Cheryl: What's your situation?
• 1:55
  Cheryl: Okay, Maddie,
• 1:55
  Madi: I have two kids, I have a 5-year-old, gosh, she's gonna be six here in Wow.
• 2:02
  Madi: A week or so.
• 2:03
  Madi: And then a 3-year-old.
• 2:06
  Cheryl: also work part-time, right?
• 2:07
  Madi: I do work part-time.
• 2:09
  Madi: I'm a photographer.
• 2:10
  Madi: wedding photography.
• 2:12
  Cheryl: Neat.
• 2:12
  Madi: Yeah.
• 2:13
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 2:13
  Cheryl: Brie, what about you?
• 2:14
  Bre: I, um, also have two kids.
• 2:17
  Bre: I have a three and a half year old Uhhuh and a almost 2-year-old.
• 2:23
  Cheryl: Ooh.
• 2:23
  Bre: So
• 2:24
  Cheryl: you have a lot of energy in your house,
• 2:25
  Bre: Lots of, um,
• 2:27
  Cheryl: energy and noise.
• 2:27
  Bre: Yes.
• 2:28
  Cheryl: Excitement.
• 2:29
  Bre: Excitement.
• 2:29
  Bre: There you go.
• 2:30
  Bre: There we go.
• 2:31
  Bre: Yes.
• 2:31
  Cheryl: Nice.
• 2:32
  Cheryl: Positive spin on all of that.
• 2:34
  Cheryl: Uh, and are you employed as well as being a mom?
• 2:36
  Bre: I stay home with them most of the time.
• 2:39
  Bre: I am also a photographer,
• 2:40
  Cheryl: oh wow.
• 2:41
  Bre: I do just like family sessions and stuff like that, so, I'll have that kind of on the side, but.
• 2:48
  Bre: Mainly just at home with them.
• 2:50
  Bre: Yeah.
• 2:50
  Bre: That's
• 2:50
  Christie: fantastic.
• 2:51
  Bre: That's so fun.
• 2:52
  Madi: That's how we met, was
• 2:54
  Christie: photography.
• 2:54
  Christie: Oh, through photography.
• 2:56
  Christie: Cool.
• 2:57
  Christie: So the age gap, how, what's the spacing between each of your kids?
• 3:02
  Bre: Two years and two months.
• 3:03
  Christie: Okay.
• 3:04
  Bre: Mine
• 3:04
  Christie: and yours seemed a little closer.
• 3:06
  Bre: I think it was.
• 3:07
  Bre: It ended up being about 19 months.
• 3:09
  Christie: Okay.
• 3:09
  Christie: Yeah.
• 3:09
  Christie: So pretty close.
• 3:10
  Cheryl: So not unusual to the four she had.
• 3:13
  Christie: Yeah, mine are like two and a half.
• 3:15
  Christie: The first two are a little farther apart'cause I had to catch my breath.
• 3:18
  Christie: But.
• 3:20
  Bre: I see.
• 3:21
  Bre: I feel that.
• 3:21
  Cheryl: And then you haven't caught it since,
• 3:23
  Christie: right?
• 3:23
  Christie: Yeah.
• 3:24
  Christie: And then I realized, oh, that doesn't happen, so you might as well just have these babies.
• 3:28
  Cheryl: What do y'all wanna talk about?
• 3:30
  Madi: I would love to talk about screens and when my daughter comes to me and asks me.
• 3:36
  Madi: If she can watch something for the 10th time that day, what do I say to her?
• 3:41
  Christie: Uh,
• 3:41
  Madi: and just help her live in her boredom without being like, go play.
• 3:46
  Madi: Mm-hmm.
• 3:46
  Christie: You know?
• 3:47
  Christie: Right.
• 3:47
  Christie: Because to her, it's the end of the world.
• 3:49
  Christie: Yeah.
• 3:49
  Christie: If you decline her request, definitely.
• 3:51
  Christie: Yeah.
• 3:52
  Cheryl: This is a reality.
• 3:54
  Cheryl: Yeah, We talk about it all the time.
• 3:56
  Christie: Uhhuh.
• 3:57
  Cheryl: We've had people who are kind of experts in this area come in and talk about it.
• 4:01
  Cheryl: We all know there's a ton of information out there mm-hmm.
• 4:05
  Cheryl: It's hard.
• 4:06
  Christie: It is hard,
• 4:07
  Cheryl: isn't it?
• 4:07
  Christie: And it's, I mean, obviously harder because of the availability.
• 4:12
  Christie: It was, but it was hard when it was just the VHS player and the one TV in the living room, you know, whenever mine were young.
• 4:19
  Christie: But when I'll look at the situation now for young moms, the hardest part would be for me, the temptation.
• 4:27
  Christie: Yes.
• 4:27
  Christie: You know, it was hard to not give in back then, but when you're checking out at Target.
• 4:31
  Christie: Okay, well I could give you my phone or you could throw the things outta the cart and throw a tantrum.
• 4:36
  Christie: You know, it's just easier to say, okay, fine.
• 4:39
  Christie: Just to get through the store, or, mm-hmm.
• 4:42
  Cheryl: I mean, this is really it.
• 4:43
  Christie: Yeah.
• 4:44
  Cheryl: That's excellent, Christie.
• 4:45
  Cheryl: 'cause that would be the temptation.
• 4:48
  Cheryl: It's so easy.
• 4:50
  Bre: Mm-hmm.
• 4:51
  Bre: Even just to do like chores around the house.
• 4:53
  Bre: Yeah.
• 4:53
  Bre: And like, turn it on for 30 minutes.
• 4:55
  Christie: Right.
• 4:56
  Cheryl: Get them done.
• 4:57
  Bre: Yes.
• 4:57
  Cheryl: So we know what the experts say.
• 4:59
  Cheryl: We've all seen it.
• 5:00
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 5:00
  Cheryl: The truth really is it just feeds into itself.
• 5:04
  Cheryl: We know that long term it's not what's going to be beneficial for our children.
• 5:10
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 5:11
  Madi: Um, so I struggle because I don't have that temptation like I'm so.
• 5:18
  Madi: I don't know what is wired inside of me where I'm like, you'll never touch my phone,
• 5:24
  Bre: huh?
• 5:24
  Bre: Mm-hmm.
• 5:24
  Madi: You're like the
• 5:25
  Bre: opposite.
• 5:25
  Madi: I'm like the opposite.
• 5:26
  Madi: And I'm just hardcore that way.
• 5:28
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 5:28
  Madi: Yeah.
• 5:29
  Madi: But, I love the art of movies.
• 5:31
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 5:31
  Cheryl: Um,
• 5:32
  Madi: I love that feeling, just like sitting down with the kids and watching a little something with them.
• 5:36
  Madi: So it's not like I'm totally against that.
• 5:38
  Madi: Mm-hmm.
• 5:38
  Cheryl: But you're swimming against the culture.
• 5:40
  Madi: Yeah.
• 5:41
  Madi: That's it.
• 5:41
  Madi: Mm-hmm.
• 5:42
  Madi: Yeah.
• 5:42
  Madi: I watch everyone around me and it just seems like it's a little different than the way.
• 5:48
  Madi: I hope to have in our home.
• 5:50
  Madi: So,
• 5:51
  Christie: so is the hard thing, the, um, disappointment, you know, that you're causing in them
• 5:58
  Madi: mm-hmm.
• 5:58
  Christie: When they're asking and you're having to see them be bummed at your answer.
• 6:04
  Madi: Yeah, I think it's, I'm, I'm angry at, I don't know what exactly I'm angry at, but I'm angry that they are asking me and that I have to be the bad guy.
• 6:14
  Madi: I don't, I wanna be the fun one.
• 6:16
  Madi: I wanna be the one that,
• 6:17
  Cheryl: oh, there we are.
• 6:18
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 6:19
  Christie: I totally understand that.
• 6:21
  Christie: There's a seven coming up.
• 6:22
  Christie: Yeah.
• 6:22
  Christie: Uhhuh.
• 6:23
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 6:24
  Carol: And my struggle was rather than the fun mom.
• 6:26
  Carol: I wanted to be the nice mom.
• 6:27
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 6:27
  Madi: Yeah.
• 6:27
  Madi: Mm-hmm.
• 6:28
  Cheryl: Grandchildren.
• 6:29
  Cheryl: Call me Gaia.
• 6:30
  Cheryl: I
• 6:30
  Carol: ask them What does Gaia not like to say?
• 6:32
  Carol: And they'll go, no.
• 6:33
  Carol: Mm-hmm.
• 6:34
  Carol: I go, that's right.
• 6:35
  Carol: I don't want to have to say no, but sometimes I have to.
• 6:38
  Carol: Mm-hmm.
• 6:39
  Carol: And as a parent, it's good parenting to say no when it's appropriate.
• 6:43
  Carol: Yeah.
• 6:44
  Carol: That's why.
• 6:45
  Carol: I would encourage you to sit down and actually process your philosophy.
• 6:50
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 6:50
  Cheryl: Um,
• 6:51
  Christie: and articulate it to your kids at age appropriate times too.
• 6:55
  Christie: That's, we went everywhere on the spectrum.
• 6:58
  Christie: Different seasons.
• 6:59
  Christie: It was just a free for all, you know, whether it be surgeries or pregnancy or whatever.
• 7:03
  Christie: It was like, you know, the, the rails were off and then other times, like, we didn't even own a TV for a while.
• 7:08
  Christie: Yeah.
• 7:08
  Christie: Then we had one in the closet and we'd have TV Tuesday.
• 7:11
  Christie: So we went on every place.
• 7:12
  Christie: And um, I, I remember having conversations with my kids of this is why we're making this choice for this season.
• 7:21
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 7:21
  Christie: And I think that gave them some buy-in and understanding, even if they didn't like it, at least they knew it was a.
• 7:27
  Christie: Coming from a place of care and love for them.
• 7:30
  Christie: Yeah.
• 7:31
  Christie: I'm not saying they never complain, I'm just saying I think they had knowledge of, oh, mom's making this choice intentionally, not just to be a fuddyduddy or mm-hmm.
• 7:40
  Madi: And I don't know.
• 7:40
  Madi: That's like, what I don't know is why, why exactly am I not letting them or not wanting them to watch?
• 7:48
  Madi: Like, what, what is my excuse?
• 7:50
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 7:51
  Cheryl: So see, sit down with Chase.
• 7:53
  Cheryl: Her husband and y'all.
• 7:54
  Cheryl: First you do it yourself and then sit down and come up.
• 7:57
  Cheryl: What is my philosophy?
• 7:59
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 7:59
  Cheryl: And why?
• 8:00
  Cheryl: Because I completely agree with Christie.
• 8:03
  Cheryl: Whatever the minutes are or where you land is not as important as why.
• 8:09
  Cheryl: And then the conversations.
• 8:11
  Cheryl: 'cause if we're about anything, it's relationships and relationships are built on good conversations.
• 8:16
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 8:16
  Cheryl: And one of the principles that I found worked really well is you deal with it when it's the issue and you discuss it when it isn't.
• 8:25
  Cheryl: So one of the reasons we do that is because when something is an issue, you said the word get angry.
• 8:33
  Cheryl: The problem is.
• 8:35
  Cheryl: When something's an issue and it charges us emotionally, it charges them emotionally.
• 8:40
  Cheryl: What happens in the brain?
• 8:42
  Cheryl: We get amygdala hijack.
• 8:44
  Carol: We can't think rationally.
• 8:46
  Carol: We react.
• 8:47
  Carol: nothing good Comes from being triggered.
• 8:50
  Carol: Mm-hmm.
• 8:50
  Carol: And that's not where the best conversations come.
• 8:52
  Carol: Come.
• 8:52
  Carol: Mm-hmm.
• 8:53
  Carol: So I would take the time to figure out what you believe and why, and how you're gonna present it.
• 8:59
  Carol: And then you deal with it when it happens.
• 9:02
  Carol: And then you find your time, like what Christie was saying, not when they're saying, we wanna watch Bluey again, or whatever it is, or one more movie because children just ask one, one more of everything.
• 9:13
  Carol: Mm-hmm.
• 9:13
  Bre: Oh yeah.
• 9:14
  Bre: Mm-hmm.
• 9:14
  Cheryl: You give them six cookies, they want seven.
• 9:16
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 9:16
  Cheryl: That's in the nature of the beast.
• 9:17
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 9:18
  Cheryl: Not that they're beasts..
• 9:19
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 9:20
  Cheryl: But so then you are ready, you know what your philosophy is.
• 9:25
  Bre: Mm-hmm.
• 9:25
  Cheryl: And when it's time say, Hey kids, we wanted to talk about something.
• 9:29
  Cheryl: And you could even do it in a fun place or whatever But say, we want to explain to you something about why we do something.
• 9:37
  Cheryl: So you understand?
• 9:39
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 9:39
  Cheryl: And
• 9:39
  Carol: you are all calm.
• 9:40
  Carol: They're not hyped up yet.
• 9:43
  Carol: They're listening and you explain it and they probably will nod their head and they'll listen to how wise it is, and then they're gonna say, so can we watch a movie now?
• 9:52
  Madi: Yeah.
• 9:54
  Cheryl: But you want them to
• 9:55
  Carol: hear your philosophy.
• 9:57
  Carol: so you must know, your philosophy, and I think this is a great way to lay the groundwork.
• 10:02
  Carol: And then one of the things that the experts say is that you create a structured routine rather than a ban.
• 10:11
  Carol: Like what you said, no screens whatsoever.
• 10:15
  Carol: We will never watch anything, uh, because you're reactive.
• 10:20
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 10:20
  Cheryl: So you make a plan.
• 10:22
  Cheryl: And then I love the idea with our plans bringing the kids in on it.
• 10:28
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 10:28
  Cheryl: So that they have a voice and they're empowered.
• 10:32
  Cheryl: Now, they're not gonna tell you what to do, but you have
• 10:35
  Carol: 'em joining in with you.
• 10:37
  Carol: So if this is why we're doing this, what do y'all think would be a good idea?
• 10:43
  Carol: And you bring them in, listen to them.
• 10:46
  Carol: And then as adults, you make the decision you're going to make.
• 10:49
  Carol: But I love the idea of they're being included in the process and then even processing with you.
• 10:58
  Carol: 'cause what you've done is you've moved them initially from Reactive and resisting you.
• 11:03
  Carol: They're on your side of the fence going, yeah, what's a good plan?
• 11:08
  Carol: Mm-hmm.
• 11:08
  Carol: How can we have a routine?
• 11:10
  Carol: Mm-hmm.
• 11:10
  Carol: Where we.
• 11:11
  Carol: Aren't asking.
• 11:12
  Carol: And so suddenly you have brought them in to your side rather than there being opposing fighting of mm-hmm.
• 11:21
  Carol: Enemies.
• 11:22
  Carol: Mm-hmm.
• 11:22
  Carol: Over this.
• 11:23
  Carol: Does that make sense?
• 11:24
  Carol: Yeah.
• 11:24
  Christie: Yeah.
• 11:24
  Christie: And even, you know, I.
• 11:27
  Christie: In, in real life.
• 11:29
  Christie: Not every kid's gonna get on board with the decision.
• 11:31
  Cheryl: Absolutely, absolutely not.
• 11:32
  Christie: But you've, given them a peek behind the curtain of this is how mom and dad process our decisions and, and right now it's screens.
• 11:40
  Christie: Someday it will be a.
• 11:41
  Christie: How long the skirt is, or, you know, dating, what movies we watch or, you know, there'll be a million different things, but you're starting to set a precedent for how we make decisions as a family, and then in time how they will make decisions for themselves.
• 11:57
  Christie: Oh, mm-hmm.
• 11:57
  Christie: We need to think about cause and effect.
• 11:59
  Christie: We need to think about the long term effect of this.
• 12:01
  Christie: You know, we want on our values in our family.
• 12:03
  Christie: And so it's, it's also training how to.
• 12:07
  Christie: Make decisions as well when you bring them into
• 12:10
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 12:10
  Cheryl: That process, that's the deep work you're doing.
• 12:12
  Christie: Yeah.
• 12:12
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 12:13
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 12:14
  Cheryl: Not whether or not they watch mm-hmm.
• 12:16
  Cheryl: Four hours a day or four minutes a day.
• 12:18
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 12:18
  Cheryl: Or none.
• 12:18
  Christie: And it'll neutralize, you know, it's not me versus you.
• 12:21
  Christie: In that moment of one more bluey, it's, oh, hey, remember our cookie party that we had when we talked about this?
• 12:27
  Christie: You know, still need to remember you've already had, your 30 minutes today, or whatever the parameters you set, and it, it.
• 12:34
  Christie: Objectifies the decision.
• 12:35
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 12:35
  Christie: Rather than, no, because you didn't pick up your shoes and you didn't, you know, it doesn't make it personal.
• 12:40
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 12:40
  Cheryl: And you're on the same team.
• 12:42
  Christie: Yeah.
• 12:42
  Madi: Yeah.
• 12:42
  Cheryl: Even though they
• 12:43
  Carol: may not be all in.
• 12:45
  Madi: Right.
• 12:47
  Madi: For sure.
• 12:48
  Bre: Well, I was just gonna say, Maddie mentioned she loves.
• 12:52
  Bre: Um, like the idea of like snuggling on the couch with them.
• 12:57
  Bre: Yeah.
• 12:57
  Bre: It's like something we do in our house.
• 12:59
  Bre: Well, not every week, but sometimes.
• 13:02
  Bre: Um,'cause I'm the same way.
• 13:03
  Bre: I love to like, just have a little movie
• 13:05
  Madi: mm-hmm.
• 13:05
  Bre: Time with my kids.
• 13:06
  Madi: Yeah.
• 13:07
  Madi: Mm-hmm.
• 13:07
  Bre: Like doing a like Friday night, like this is our movie night.
• 13:11
  Bre: Like tradition, make it fun.
• 13:12
  Bre: It's like that's something that they can like.
• 13:15
  Bre: If they ask in the moment like, can we watch tv?
• 13:17
  Bre: It's like, no.
• 13:17
  Bre: But on Friday, you know, we get to like, good do that.
• 13:21
  Bre: We get to have our family time, we get to, you know, make dinner together or whatever.
• 13:24
  Bre: Just like to get them excited and Maybe eventually they'll be like, oh yeah,
• 13:28
  Christie: yeah,
• 13:29
  Bre: okay, well, we'll go play now and then on Friday we will have movie night or whatever.
• 13:32
  Christie: I love that.
• 13:33
  Christie: 'cause it removes the, um, focus off the restriction.
• 13:36
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 13:36
  Christie: It's not just mom's a meanie and we don't ever get to do fun things.
• 13:39
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 13:39
  Christie: It's like, well, yeah, we wanna do that, but just not.
• 13:42
  Christie: Everything all at applies now's.
• 13:43
  Christie: Lot of time.
• 13:44
  Christie: Yeah.
• 13:44
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 13:44
  Cheryl: Also, what you're building into instead of Me Against you, us against you, fight, fight, fight, you're
• 13:50
  Carol: building Look, memory tradition together.
• 13:54
  Carol: Mm-hmm.
• 13:54
  Carol: Mm-hmm.
• 13:54
  Carol: Because one of the things, again, the experts say is make screen time social rather than solitary.
• 14:00
  Carol: Mm-hmm.
• 14:01
  Carol: Yeah.
• 14:01
  Carol: And so I would bring that conversation in with your kids, particularly as young as yours are.
• 14:08
  Carol: We will tell you it's a lot easier to start something rather than back up and begin again.
• 14:15
  Madi: Mm-hmm.
• 14:16
  Madi: Yeah.
• 14:16
  Cheryl: So you have the opportunity at these young ages to say, this is our culture of what we do, and one of the things we want to do is, you know, how much fun it is to such and such together.
• 14:28
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 14:29
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 14:29
  Cheryl: We want to make screens something that we do together rather than alone.
• 14:34
  Bre: Mm-hmm.
• 14:34
  Cheryl: And then just like what you said, so we're gonna do it this way, and also what you're doing.
• 14:40
  Cheryl: There's another wisdom in that is the dangers that there are mm-hmm.
• 14:45
  Cheryl: When someone's online mm-hmm.
• 14:47
  Cheryl: Or social media.
• 14:48
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 14:49
  Cheryl: Whatever it is.
• 14:50
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 14:50
  Cheryl: We do this together so that it's out in public rather than hiding in bedrooms.
• 14:56
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 14:57
  Cheryl: Uh, and have hidden things going on.
• 14:59
  Cheryl: You're setting a precedent in your family.
• 15:01
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 15:02
  Christie: Yeah.
• 15:02
  Christie: Uh.
• 15:04
  Christie: Yeah, I was thinking the same thing, because right now you're needing to regulate the number of minutes they consume media, but they're old.
• 15:11
  Christie: It come a day when the content is more what you'll be regulating.
• 15:15
  Christie: So true.
• 15:15
  Christie: And so taking the together approach and saying, Hey, I, I wanna say yes to this, but.
• 15:23
  Christie: Um, instead, I'm gonna say, yes, let's do it together, and then let's talk about it afterwards and tell me why do you think your friends want to Watch this.
• 15:29
  Christie: What, what about it did you not feel very good about?
• 15:32
  Madi: Mm-hmm.
• 15:32
  Cheryl: That, that's great.
• 15:33
  Cheryl: That's so wise.
• 15:34
  Madi: Mm-hmm.
• 15:34
  Madi: Yeah.
• 15:35
  Madi: I think having the why behind why I am saying no currently is huge.
• 15:42
  Madi: Um, I mean, I know why in my head.
• 15:45
  Madi: But when it tries to come out in words, I don't know why.
• 15:49
  Madi: Mm-hmm.
• 15:49
  Cheryl: That's why processing is really good.
• 15:52
  Madi: Yeah.
• 15:52
  Cheryl: So that you
• 15:52
  Carol: can understand and express it and then when you know it comes up again, say remember?
• 15:57
  Carol: And they go, oh, that's right, because, and then they can start Internalizing, and we go back to what Christie said, because you're role modeling.
• 16:05
  Carol: This is how we make decisions.
• 16:07
  Carol: This is how we came to our value.
• 16:10
  Carol: Mm-hmm.
• 16:10
  Carol: This is how we apply values, whatever the value is, whether it's how we treat other people, or lying or stealing or cheating or integrity, whatever it is, or whether or not we watch Bluey again, and I'm just using bluey.
• 16:25
  Carol: Bluey is current, right?
• 16:26
  Carol: Yeah.
• 16:26
  Madi: Yeah.
• 16:27
  Madi: It's good.
• 16:27
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 16:28
  Cheryl: Actually, I've heard it's a pretty good little cartoon.
• 16:30
  Madi: Yeah.
• 16:31
  Madi: My kids love it.
• 16:32
  Madi: It's if, if we're watching anything, I'm like, can we watch Bluey Please?
• 16:36
  Madi: Yeah.
• 16:36
  Madi: Well, the screens brought up a whole nother topic for me, which is kind of, I feel like a big one.
• 16:42
  Madi: But, boundaries.
• 16:45
  Madi: How do you communicate boundaries?
• 16:47
  Madi: Your family values to grandparents.
• 16:50
  Cheryl: Whoa.
• 16:51
  Madi: Oh.
• 16:53
  Madi: Um, without stepping on toes, stepping on their family values that they literally raised you up with and now you're changing those.
• 17:01
  Madi: It's
• 17:01
  Cheryl: really hard,
• 17:02
  Madi: but they're really important to you and you can't not say that
• 17:06
  Cheryl: it's complicated.
• 17:08
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 17:09
  Cheryl: And I say it's complicated because.
• 17:11
  Carol: basically all There was was television.
• 17:14
  Christie: Mm mm-hmm.
• 17:15
  Cheryl: In my children's childhoods with grandparents.
• 17:18
  Cheryl: Um, and early on there wasn't even cable.
• 17:21
  Cheryl: It was just regular tv, but it was on all the time.
• 17:26
  Cheryl: And, uh.
• 17:28
  Cheryl: I couldn't just say, oh, by the way, you've got Rambo on, and I have a 4-year-old.
• 17:34
  Cheryl: I don't want Rambo in front of my 4-year-old.
• 17:37
  Cheryl: It was sticky because you want to love them well, and you want to show honor to them, particularly when they don't have that value.
• 17:44
  Cheryl: So you're right.
• 17:45
  Cheryl: So this is really hard because you have a number of fronts you're working on.
• 17:51
  Madi: Mm-hmm.
• 17:51
  Cheryl: But this is why you want to process so that you can decide what do I really feel about this and why?
• 18:00
  Cheryl: And the truth really is we have a primary responsibility for our children that the grandparents don't have.
• 18:07
  Madi: Yeah.
• 18:08
  Cheryl: And so that's the really bottom line.
• 18:11
  Cheryl: And so you all have to process.
• 18:15
  Cheryl: How to approach it, what way to do it.
• 18:17
  Cheryl: And again, I would have that conversation when it's not the issue and when you're really settled about it.
• 18:25
  Cheryl: And I'm not reactive.
• 18:26
  Madi: Yeah.
• 18:27
  Cheryl: I'm approaching them in a respectful, loving way.
• 18:30
  Cheryl: But talking to'em about a boundary, if we feel like there needs to be a boundary.
• 18:35
  Cheryl: And then maybe you can kind of do what we said we do with the children that you say, could we have a routine that has boundaries to it rather than unending, media or movies or games or whatever it is.
• 18:50
  Madi: Yeah.
• 18:51
  Madi: Mm-hmm.
• 18:51
  Cheryl: That's uncontrolled.
• 18:52
  Madi: Mm-hmm.
• 18:53
  Madi: Yeah.
• 18:53
  Cheryl: Again, you have the primary responsibility for caring for your children.
• 18:57
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 18:58
  Christie: Yeah.
• 18:58
  Cheryl: How's that sound?
• 19:00
  Christie: When you asked the question, I instantly remembered how I was as a young parent having to request different.
• 19:08
  Christie: Restrictions or, or different boundaries, um, than what grandparents wanted to give.
• 19:13
  Christie: And then I remembered that I am a grandparent.
• 19:16
  Christie: Yeah.
• 19:17
  Christie: And so I'll, I'll speak from both sides and that it was a battle for decades for us, with grandparents and we had very distinct values in our lives.
• 19:28
  Christie: And, um, I think sometimes I would try to say things.
• 19:33
  Christie: In passing kind of off.
• 19:34
  Madi: Mm-hmm.
• 19:35
  Christie: You know, just make one comment and hope it stuck.
• 19:37
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 19:37
  Christie: And then be frustrated when it, they weren't holding to it.
• 19:40
  Madi: Yeah.
• 19:40
  Christie: And I think what you're saying, Cheryl, is a lot more effective to have the awkward, uncomfortable talk of, Hey, this is really important to us.
• 19:48
  Christie: But then I'll say as a grandparent now, it is very humbling to have your kids come to you and say, yes, we didn't like the way you handled this, and we wanna do something different our with our kids.
• 19:59
  Christie: And as much as, I'd like to think and hope that I come grandparenting humbly and want my kids to do better than I did because I know I made a million mistakes.
• 20:08
  Christie: But just maybe.
• 20:09
  Christie: Be mindful of that when you approach the grandparents that it's going to be humbling when you tell them you wanna do something differently than what they chose to do with their kids.
• 20:18
  Christie: And try to validate that emotion and say,
• 20:21
  Cheryl: yeah,
• 20:22
  Christie: you guys did a great job with me and you made choices based on how the world was.
• 20:27
  Christie: Yeah.
• 20:27
  Christie: 30 years ago.
• 20:28
  Christie: Right.
• 20:28
  Christie: But we live in a different world now.
• 20:30
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 20:30
  Christie: And things are different and yeah, media options are different or whatever the scenario is.
• 20:35
  Christie: That's good.
• 20:36
  Christie: Um, I think we'll soften the blow a little bit.
• 20:38
  Madi: Definitely.
• 20:39
  Cheryl: that is really sensitive.
• 20:41
  Cheryl: 'cause it is true.
• 20:43
  Cheryl: It's hard.
• 20:44
  Cheryl: You feel condemned, you feel, oh, great.
• 20:48
  Cheryl: So now what they're telling me is not only am i failing my grandchildren, I'm failing them mm-hmm.
• 20:55
  Cheryl: In what we did to them.
• 20:57
  Cheryl: Because I can remember those words being said to me.
• 21:00
  Cheryl: By my children's grandparent saying, Well, it was all right for you all.
• 21:04
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 21:05
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 21:05
  Cheryl: So now you're telling me
• 21:06
  Carol: it was all wrong! I mean, just they connected the dots.
• 21:10
  Carol: And so one of the things I would say is really think about ways of affirming them and actually saying the words of how much you appreciate them, where you can.
• 21:22
  Carol: Yeah..
• 21:22
  Carol: Right?
• 21:23
  Christie: Yeah.
• 21:23
  Cheryl: Thank you so much for the way you help out and you love, and we don't want you to generalize this.
• 21:29
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 21:29
  Cheryl: We're talking about just one specific thing.
• 21:32
  Cheryl: And so what we're trying to do is this like what we do with the kids, can you bring them to your side of the fence?
• 21:38
  Madi: Yeah.
• 21:38
  Cheryl: And they put your arm around them.
• 21:40
  Cheryl: Emotionally, you know, could you help us with this?
• 21:44
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 21:44
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 21:44
  Cheryl: We are so good and loving and you're such a benefit in our lives.
• 21:48
  Cheryl: Could you help us in this area?
• 21:50
  Cheryl: And then see suddenly we're working on this together.
• 21:53
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 21:54
  Cheryl: Rather than saying, boy, did you blow it?
• 21:56
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 21:56
  Cheryl: And you ruined me as a child and now you're ruining
• 21:58
  Carol: your Grandchildren.
• 21:59
  Carol: Mm-hmm.
• 21:59
  Madi: Yeah,
• 22:00
  Christie: and I think maybe getting at what their intentions are.
• 22:03
  Christie: I'm thinking if, you know, we had a situation where candy was the issue, the abundance of candy mm-hmm.
• 22:09
  Christie: Was like given there, sent home with the kids.
• 22:12
  Christie: And if I would've known then to say something like.
• 22:15
  Christie: Hey, I know you are just really wanting to be fun.
• 22:19
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 22:19
  Christie: Right.
• 22:19
  Christie: And then maybe brainstorm with them other ways to bring, maybe they just, that's great.
• 22:23
  Christie: Don't have the creativity to know.
• 22:25
  Christie: That's the only love language they can speak.
• 22:28
  Bre: Yeah.
• 22:28
  Bre: Or they're trying to bond in some way.
• 22:30
  Bre: Yeah.
• 22:30
  Christie: Yes.
• 22:30
  Bre: Yeah.
• 22:31
  Bre: With, you know, even with the, the sweets or the candy and the screens, you know?
• 22:36
  Bre: Mm-hmm.
• 22:36
  Bre: Just like we like to kind of sit on the couch and Yeah.
• 22:40
  Bre: Snuggle our kids.
• 22:41
  Bre: Say, yeah.
• 22:41
  Bre: It's like, we want that.
• 22:42
  Bre: But yeah, it's, I can understand how it can be.
• 22:45
  Christie: Yeah.
• 22:46
  Cheryl: Yes, both.
• 22:46
  Christie: And you're so out
• 22:47
  Bre: of
• 22:48
  Christie: touch.
• 22:48
  Christie: It's been a long time since you had little kids.
• 22:51
  Christie: You know, you just don't always remember what things kids would love other than the easy, low lying fruit of candy or.
• 22:58
  Christie: Movies
• 22:59
  Bre: yeah.
• 22:59
  Cheryl: And in the conversation it might come up.
• 23:01
  Cheryl: Well, they just make so much noise.
• 23:04
  Cheryl: They're at least quiet when we have something on.
• 23:06
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 23:07
  Cheryl: And so you can go, wow, thank you for telling me that.
• 23:10
  Cheryl: How can I help you with that?
• 23:12
  Cheryl: Again, bring them to your side or get on their side of the fence rather than we're going head to head over this.
• 23:20
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 23:20
  Cheryl: And you're bad grandparents and I need you to change.
• 23:23
  Cheryl: Is
• 23:25
  Madi: that helpful?
• 23:25
  Madi: Mm-hmm.
• 23:25
  Madi: That is helpful.
• 23:25
  Madi: Mm-hmm.
• 23:26
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 23:26
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 23:26
  Bre: I feel like this is really helpful, um, just to kind of like, think through how to.
• 23:34
  Bre: You know, set healthy boundaries and also not feel guilt if we can, like Cheryl was saying kind of like.
• 23:42
  Bre: I talk with my husband and we kind of create a plan.
• 23:46
  Bre: It's like, then you don't feel as much guilt to turn the TV on if you want, if you like, stuck to your, your plan and your boundaries that you, you know, predetermined.
• 23:56
  Bre: Um, so that was really helpful to hear.
• 23:59
  Christie: Yeah.
• 23:59
  Christie: Kinda like when you have a budget, you know, you're like, oh, this is my coffee money.
• 24:02
  Christie: I don't have to feel guilty about my coffee.
• 24:04
  Christie: Yeah.
• 24:04
  Christie: 'cause I've got it budgeted and made this decision.
• 24:06
  Bre: It was already decided.
• 24:08
  Bre: So, um, you don't have to feel bad about when you do turn the TV on.
• 24:12
  Bre: Yes, yes, exactly.
• 24:14
  Bre: And you can feel confident.
• 24:16
  Bre: Mm-hmm.
• 24:16
  Bre: With your plan and when you, when it's time to turn it off, it's time to turn it off.
• 24:20
  Madi: Right.
• 24:20
  Bre: Excellent.
• 24:21
  Madi: Excellent.
• 24:21
  Madi: That's like a huge thing for me is as a seven, I'm just so sporadic mm-hmm.
• 24:27
  Madi: That I still like control, but when it seems like the kids.
• 24:31
  Madi: Feel my sporadicness and I don't have my life together.
• 24:36
  Madi: When I feel like they know that, that's when I start getting angry and like stress that I'm having to say no to.
• 24:43
  Madi: Right.
• 24:44
  Madi: So that's like,
• 24:44
  Christie: I can be crazy, but we can't both be crazy.
• 24:46
  Christie: Yeah.
• 24:47
  Madi: You, you can't know that.
• 24:48
  Madi: I don't know that I have everything together.
• 24:52
  Bre: Yeah.
• 24:52
  Bre: And I do think it's different for every household.
• 24:54
  Bre: So it's like, for Maddie, maybe it's like really rigid schedule of like.
• 25:00
  Bre: These days we don't do TV these days.
• 25:02
  Bre: We do.
• 25:03
  Bre: Or whatever.
• 25:03
  Bre: Yeah.
• 25:03
  Bre: So it's like they're not wondering, you're not like trying to make a decision in the moment.
• 25:07
  Madi: Mm-hmm.
• 25:08
  Bre: Whereas maybe other parents are a little bit more lax about it and that's okay too.
• 25:13
  Bre: Mm-hmm.
• 25:13
  Bre: So I think everyone just is, is different
• 25:16
  Cheryl: but Bria, that's totally
• 25:17
  Bre: fine.
• 25:17
  Cheryl: This is why we need to think through things.
• 25:20
  Cheryl: And we don't always think, oh yeah, with parenting.
• 25:22
  Cheryl: We need to figure out why.
• 25:24
  Bre: Mm-hmm.
• 25:25
  Cheryl: What we believe and why, and then we act out our values.
• 25:28
  Cheryl: Here's how we're going to put those values into, real life.
• 25:32
  Cheryl: And we're all individuals.
• 25:34
  Cheryl: Could we come back and talk some more?
• 25:36
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 25:36
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 25:37
  Cheryl: You have some more questions for us?
• 25:38
  Madi: Yes, yes.
• 25:42
  Cheryl: That's great.
• 25:43
  Cheryl: Okay, because this is fun.
• 25:45
  Madi: I was trying to be fun.
• 25:47
  Madi: but I do love there was something in common with the screens and grandparents, and it was just that like it was very you against me at first, and that's what it feels like on both fronts.
• 26:00
  Madi: Like me against the kids.
• 26:02
  Madi: And me against the grandparents.
• 26:04
  Madi: But both times you said try to bring them to your side and
• 26:08
  Bre: mm-hmm.
• 26:09
  Bre: I love
• 26:09
  Madi: that.
• 26:09
  Madi: You know, you're all on the same team and
• 26:11
  Cheryl: that's, so
• 26:11
  Bre: sometimes we forget, I think.
• 26:13
  Madi: Yeah.
• 26:14
  Madi: The same
• 26:14
  things
• 26:14
  Bre: we do and we care about the kids Yeah.
• 26:17
  Cheryl: That's right.
• 26:17
  Bre: Everyone wants the best for the kids.
• 26:19
  Cheryl: That's exactly right.
• 26:20
  Cheryl: So let's get on the same side and talk about it.
• 26:23
  Cheryl: Oh, this is great.
• 26:25
  Cheryl: Okay, so parents, remember, hang in there.
• 26:28
  Cheryl: Keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.
• 26:33
  Speaker 2: You know, as we were finishing this, I kept thinking about how many parents are carrying this kind of tension every single day, wanting to lead their homes thoughtfully and well, while also feeling tired, stretched thin, or unsure sometimes in the middle of real life with little kids.
• 26:59
  Speaker 2: I hope somewhere in here you were reminded that a lot of good parenting is happening in moments that don't feel very big while you're living them.
• 27:11
  Speaker 2: The repeated boundaries, the small conversations, the moments where you pause, try again, apologize, or choose connection one more time.
• 27:25
  Speaker 2: That matters more than you think.
• 27:28
  Speaker 2: We'd really love to hear from you.
• 27:30
  Speaker 2: You can reach us through social media or at contact@theparentingpodcast.com.
• 27:37
  Speaker 2: And to all the parents in the thick of these little kid years right now, so much of parenting is quiet work, but it's not small work.