Latest / Learned the Hard Way with Kier Gaines / EP 11: The Truth About Feeling Unheard in Your Relationship

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EP 11: The Truth About Feeling Unheard in Your Relationship · Learned the Hard Way with Kier Gaines

0:06
Speaker 1: Welcome to Learn the hard Way. My name is Ki. Yes.
0:09
Speaker 1: We talk about purpose, we talk about pressure, and we
0:12
Speaker 1: talk about what it actually takes become a full comprehensive
0:15
Speaker 1: man A. What's up, y'all? Welcome back to another episode
0:20
Speaker 1: of my favorite podcast, and I think it's your favorite
0:23
Speaker 1: podcast to Learn the hard Way. I am your host,
0:27
Speaker 1: care Gaines. I am a husband. I'm a therapist. I'm
0:30
Speaker 1: a licensed therapist, which is really is a very important distinction.
0:35
Speaker 1: I am a business owner. I am an employer. I
0:40
Speaker 1: am a person who saw Demon Hunter demon Oh wait
0:46
Speaker 1: a minute, no, See, that's what happens when you have kids.
0:49
Speaker 1: You get Demon Slayer the anime and K Pop Demon
0:52
Speaker 1: Hunters the anime movie. Confused. I'm a fan of both
0:57
Speaker 1: though I'm not a pet owner right now, but my
1:00
Speaker 1: kids are trying to change that. They want me to
1:02
Speaker 1: buy a dog. I say all of these things to
1:04
Speaker 1: tell you that I am a person just like you,
1:08
Speaker 1: and I am navigating the challenges of life. But the
1:11
Speaker 1: difference is I have the experience I have to know how,
1:14
Speaker 1: I have the training, and I have the knowledge that
1:17
Speaker 1: helps people get through the hardest parts of their lives.
1:20
Speaker 1: And that's why we design this podcast because I learned
1:22
Speaker 1: a lot of things the hard way and you are too,
1:25
Speaker 1: but we don't have to navigate that by ourselves. I
1:28
Speaker 1: think that there's something dope when we're healing and learning
1:31
Speaker 1: and growing and evolving in community. So shout out to
1:36
Speaker 1: everybody who watches the pod, everybody who listens to the pod.
1:40
Speaker 1: Shout out to the men and women who listen to
1:42
Speaker 1: the pod. Somebody on a woman on Threads the other
1:44
Speaker 1: day said I want to listen to your pods so bad,
1:47
Speaker 1: but I try to let the men have their space.
1:49
Speaker 1: I'm like, Nah, come on, boot this power for everybody.
1:53
Speaker 1: Come on, boo, the water's fine. So thank y'all, Thank
1:56
Speaker 1: y'all for being here. Shout out to you for doing
1:58
Speaker 1: something productive with your time, doing something for yourself, because
2:01
Speaker 1: this counts as that. One of my favorite things in
2:04
Speaker 1: the world, like I said, is to do this podcast,
2:07
Speaker 1: But another one of my favorite things in the world
2:09
Speaker 1: to do is help people. It is my life's mission.
2:13
Speaker 1: It gives me a lot of gratification, is a source
2:16
Speaker 1: of a lot of my pride, and it's what I
2:19
Speaker 1: feel is one of it's what I feel. Hold on
2:25
Speaker 1: how do I say the sentence it is what I
2:27
Speaker 1: feel is my calling. Words are escaping me today, but
2:32
Speaker 1: not my calling. It's what I feel like. I feel
2:36
Speaker 1: a strong drive towards meeting people where they are helping
2:40
Speaker 1: them get the where they need to go. And if
2:42
Speaker 1: that's you, I'm honored to be that person for you. Now,
2:46
Speaker 1: this episode is going to be a little different. Typically
2:50
Speaker 1: we do episodes where there's a topic and I dive
2:53
Speaker 1: into the topic and we give context, I give you
2:56
Speaker 1: some solutions, but not today, not today. That ain't how
2:59
Speaker 1: we doing it today. Hey, I want to hear from you.
3:02
Speaker 1: We have a lot of listeners, a lot of listeners,
3:05
Speaker 1: especially in the past couple of weeks, a couple of months,
3:08
Speaker 1: a lot of new people here, and y'all have questions,
3:11
Speaker 1: y'all have situations, y'all have dilemmas, y'all have life happening,
3:16
Speaker 1: and y'all at a thousand miles per hour. So today
3:19
Speaker 1: we're going to listen to some of the voice notes
3:21
Speaker 1: that y'all have been leaving me. But let's level set
3:24
Speaker 1: real quick so that we understand what this is. This
3:27
Speaker 1: is not a therapy session. Yes I am a therapist,
3:30
Speaker 1: but I am not your therapist. This isn't advice. This
3:35
Speaker 1: isn't clinical advice that I'm giving you. I am not
3:38
Speaker 1: telling you what to do, because if you've ever been
3:40
Speaker 1: to therapy, you know a therapist doesn't tell you what
3:42
Speaker 1: to do. They guide you through figuring it out for yourself.
3:45
Speaker 1: But I will get inspired to ask questions by some
3:50
Speaker 1: of these things that you all are going to say
3:52
Speaker 1: to me. It may be things that you need to
3:54
Speaker 1: think about what you're wan and yeah, take this take
3:58
Speaker 1: from it. What's hopeful, leave was not. But I have
4:01
Speaker 1: to remind you all that this is not designed to
4:03
Speaker 1: replace a therapy session. So my answer to all these
4:07
Speaker 1: questions at the bare ass bottom line is going to
4:10
Speaker 1: be go and seek some professional help from a licensed
4:15
Speaker 1: and qualified professional. All right, now, with all that being said,
4:20
Speaker 1: let's jump into the episode.
4:22
Speaker 2: Now.
4:23
Speaker 1: I've been telling y'all for weeks, for weeks that we're
4:25
Speaker 1: building this thing brick by brick, were building this community
4:27
Speaker 1: brick by brick son, and here's some of the results
4:32
Speaker 1: of those bricks being laid. I have my first message here,
4:38
Speaker 1: and like I said, I'm going to respond to this
4:40
Speaker 1: straight off the top of it is on this person
4:43
Speaker 1: left a message. I'm queing it up on my phone
4:46
Speaker 1: and let's listen to it together. See what we got.
4:50
Speaker 3: So my fiance and I have a pretty good relationship,
4:54
Speaker 3: but I noticed that when I bring my feelings to him,
4:58
Speaker 3: even saying something cleanly, like I notice that my nervous
5:03
Speaker 3: system has become and disregulate it because we're running late
5:06
Speaker 3: and I feel myself kind of getting anxious, and he'll
5:11
Speaker 3: go into a thing where he reassures me, no, we're
5:13
Speaker 3: not going to be late, everything's okay. But then I'll
5:16
Speaker 3: redirect him and tell him i'd really like him to
5:20
Speaker 3: join me in my internal world because that helps me
5:23
Speaker 3: feel seen, and that helps me feel comforted, and that
5:25
Speaker 3: helps me feel compassion. But that's not something that I
5:30
Speaker 3: feel like he's always comfortable with doing, because then he
5:33
Speaker 3: might respond with, well, I just try to give you
5:36
Speaker 3: what you said that you need. You said you need
5:38
Speaker 3: reassurance sometimes, and I give you that, and now I
5:40
Speaker 3: feel like you're constantly moving the goalpost, which I think
5:43
Speaker 3: is fair. But this is a pattern that's been happening
5:47
Speaker 3: for so long, and it just feels like it lacks empathy.
5:51
Speaker 3: Sometimes I feel like there's emotional immaturity there and it's
5:56
Speaker 3: just really hurtful. I think that I have a very
5:58
Speaker 3: intense way about me with how I feel. I feel
6:01
Speaker 3: big feelings. I feel big feelings in a big way,
6:05
Speaker 3: even good ones and even not so good ones. But yeah,
6:09
Speaker 3: I guess I just I'm just in a place where
6:14
Speaker 3: I want to be fully heard.
6:18
Speaker 1: M okay. So there was a lot in that call.
6:24
Speaker 1: There was a lot in that message, and some things
6:28
Speaker 1: stick out to me more than others. There is the
6:31
Speaker 1: first thing that she said that sticks out to me
6:34
Speaker 1: is that her nervous system is disregulated when she gets
6:41
Speaker 1: anxious when something happens, and she wants reassurance, which seems
6:46
Speaker 1: I think that's a lot of people. But then it
6:48
Speaker 1: was followed by I want you to join me in
6:51
Speaker 1: my internal world, which to me isn't the original ask,
6:56
Speaker 1: but it seems like the deeper desire, and I don't
7:00
Speaker 1: know what that means. I'm really curious as to how
7:04
Speaker 1: she would define joining her in her internal world versus
7:09
Speaker 1: what he would define is joining her in her internal world.
7:13
Speaker 1: Because your partner can see the way that you feel,
7:17
Speaker 1: they can listen to the way that you feel, but
7:20
Speaker 1: they can't feel the way that you feel. And if
7:23
Speaker 1: the request is for that person to zip open your feelings,
7:29
Speaker 1: take them off of your back, and then put them
7:31
Speaker 1: on like a coat, and then zip them up on
7:33
Speaker 1: their body. I'm not saying that you're asking for too much,
7:37
Speaker 1: and I'm not saying that you are too much, but
7:40
Speaker 1: I think that is a lot to ask of a
7:42
Speaker 1: person in that moment. But let's let's dive deeper into
7:46
Speaker 1: this because I think this is something that a lot
7:48
Speaker 1: of couples face in one way or another, and this
7:51
Speaker 1: is a really good discussion to have. I I wonder
7:54
Speaker 1: what conversation you all are actually having in that moment,
7:58
Speaker 1: because it seems to me like the two of them
8:00
Speaker 1: are having a different conversation. It seems like it's a
8:05
Speaker 1: feelings conversation in some ways, and then it's a logistic
8:10
Speaker 1: meeting the needs conversation in another. But when the feelings
8:14
Speaker 1: are expressed and the logistics of meeting the needs are met,
8:19
Speaker 1: it seems like that's not It doesn't hit the spot.
8:23
Speaker 1: You know, when you're thirsty, like you're really thirsty, and
8:26
Speaker 1: then you drink like some warm you know, the tea
8:30
Speaker 1: that you mix with the powder, like it kind of
8:33
Speaker 1: quenches your thirst a little bit because it's liquid, I guess,
8:37
Speaker 1: but they don't hit the spot like ice cold water.
8:41
Speaker 1: And it seems that the response is there, but it's
8:45
Speaker 1: not hitting the spot. But I don't know if the
8:48
Speaker 1: request is obvious to I don't know if I'm gonna
8:53
Speaker 1: just say the husband. I think she said her husband.
8:56
Speaker 1: I don't know if the request is obvious to the husband.
8:58
Speaker 1: So here's some other things. I noticed. Three questions I
9:02
Speaker 1: automatically would like to ask her. Number one, what is
9:06
Speaker 1: it that you need in the moment? I know that
9:09
Speaker 1: she says she wants him to jump into her internal world,
9:14
Speaker 1: But explain that to me, like you, like I'm a
9:17
Speaker 1: four year old. How does a person jump into your
9:20
Speaker 1: internal world? How do they start? What's the first thing
9:23
Speaker 1: that happens in that process? Is it something that I say?
9:26
Speaker 1: Is it something that I do? Is it something that
9:29
Speaker 1: I reflect? Is it something that I mirror? Is it
9:31
Speaker 1: something that I observe? I understand that words are being
9:34
Speaker 1: said to me, but I'm not sure what the instruction
9:37
Speaker 1: is here. Question number two, what is it that you
9:41
Speaker 1: need for me to understand? Do you need for me
9:45
Speaker 1: to understand that you're anxious? Do you need for me
9:47
Speaker 1: to understand that the anxiety makes you disregulated. Do you
9:53
Speaker 1: need for me to understand that you're uncomfortable? Do you
9:56
Speaker 1: need for me to understand that you want me to
9:58
Speaker 1: do something? It could be all of those things. It
10:01
Speaker 1: could be one of those things. It could be none
10:03
Speaker 1: of those things. It could actually be one of those
10:06
Speaker 1: things if this happens on Monday, and something completely different
10:10
Speaker 1: if it happens on Friday. You see what I'm saying.
10:14
Speaker 1: I don't. I think in situations like this is always
10:18
Speaker 1: helpful to be I mean, crystal clear direct on what
10:23
Speaker 1: it is you need for me to take away from
10:26
Speaker 1: this conversation. Another question is, and I think I kind
10:29
Speaker 1: of hanted to this a moment ago, what do you
10:31
Speaker 1: want me to do about it? Because if someone tells me,
10:37
Speaker 1: if you walk up to me and you say, hey,
10:38
Speaker 1: I'm anxious because we about to be late, and my
10:40
Speaker 1: nervous system is disregulated by the way, which is really
10:43
Speaker 1: specific language that only certain people in certain groups use,
10:47
Speaker 1: I don't hear men very often say that my nervous
10:50
Speaker 1: system is disregulated. With my clients and my female friends,
10:54
Speaker 1: it's usually language that women use very often, and because
10:57
Speaker 1: it's language that women use in those communities than other
11:00
Speaker 1: communities of women and men not as much. There may
11:03
Speaker 1: be some misinterpretation of what it means and what the
11:08
Speaker 1: instruction is here and listen, I can already see where
11:11
Speaker 1: this is going. K. You are endorsing weaponizing and competents.
11:16
Speaker 1: He knows what that means. He just needs to act
11:19
Speaker 1: on it. After helping couples for a very long time,
11:23
Speaker 1: I can tell you I no longer assume what anything means.
11:26
Speaker 1: After being married for seven years, I don't assume what
11:29
Speaker 1: anything means. I know that there is a culture of
11:33
Speaker 1: men overly burdening women with expecting them to do the
11:38
Speaker 1: emotional labor and have all of the emotional language. We
11:42
Speaker 1: got to admit that that exists. I hold space for
11:44
Speaker 1: that for show. But also there's this culture of believing
11:48
Speaker 1: that people should just understand, and I think that is
11:51
Speaker 1: the biggest misconception in the way that the healthy relationship works.
11:56
Speaker 1: The word should is typically indicative of an expectation that
12:00
Speaker 1: doesn't belong to the person that is pointed at. There
12:03
Speaker 1: is no should. Either you do or you don't. Either
12:06
Speaker 1: it would be great if you did, or I'm upset
12:10
Speaker 1: that you don't. But should it's always a tricky word.
12:13
Speaker 1: Because your expectation may extend far beyond that person's capacity
12:19
Speaker 1: and ability in that moment, and that's where gilt and
12:22
Speaker 1: shame come in. But that's for another another question in
12:26
Speaker 1: another day. This is my final question, but it may
12:30
Speaker 1: not be my final question. I don't know, because I'm
12:31
Speaker 1: thinking about this more as I'm talking. If the need
12:35
Speaker 1: is met doesn't satisfy the feeling. So you may want
12:40
Speaker 1: me to jump in into your internal world, but that
12:43
Speaker 1: doesn't mean that you feel better because I do that.
12:46
Speaker 1: Because your internal world is guided, driven, empowered by you.
12:51
Speaker 1: I can have some influence over some things, but ultimately
12:54
Speaker 1: that's your ship to steer. And this dynamic happens in
12:57
Speaker 1: relationships where a person asks for something, to pine for something.
13:00
Speaker 1: They not bag I don't want to say that, but
13:03
Speaker 1: they long for something, and then when they get it,
13:07
Speaker 1: they realize that it doesn't make them feel better, especially
13:10
Speaker 1: not in that moment. Now, on the other side, when
13:13
Speaker 1: the partner that you've pined for, you've longed for them
13:16
Speaker 1: to change, You've longed for them to understand you've requested
13:19
Speaker 1: this thing. It's been a huge point of contention in
13:21
Speaker 1: your relationship when they do all of these things and
13:24
Speaker 1: make all of these moves and make all of these changes,
13:27
Speaker 1: and you don't feel any differently. You're not oriented to
13:30
Speaker 1: them any differently. The tone of your language doesn't change,
13:32
Speaker 1: your attitude doesn't change, your affect doesn't change. It makes
13:36
Speaker 1: them feel like, and I think she said this, like
13:38
Speaker 1: you're moving the goal post. I can't get it right
13:43
Speaker 1: enough for you. I can't satisfy this thing for you.
13:47
Speaker 1: And if you continue to try to hit a target
13:50
Speaker 1: that always moves, some people see it as a challenge
13:53
Speaker 1: and they just keep shooting. I'm gonna hit it. We're
13:54
Speaker 1: gonna get it, babe. Some people just quit. I talked
14:00
Speaker 1: about the other cultures. There's a culture quiet quitting in
14:03
Speaker 1: your relationship, whereas, hey, I can't do this enough for you,
14:06
Speaker 1: so I'm just not going to try. And it's easy
14:10
Speaker 1: to vilify the person who doesn't try. And I think
14:13
Speaker 1: we don't always pay attention to the person that needs
14:17
Speaker 1: that has an itch that needs to be scratched, but
14:20
Speaker 1: they don't really know where that it is, or how
14:22
Speaker 1: to guide somebody to know where the nails are supposed
14:26
Speaker 1: to go on the back. Now, let's shift the conversation
14:30
Speaker 1: to think about something else and then we'll move to
14:32
Speaker 1: another question. Because I think this is just this happens
14:35
Speaker 1: so much, and I know somebody out there is going
14:37
Speaker 1: through this and can probably be helped with just a
14:39
Speaker 1: shifting perspective. It's always helpful to have conversations like this
14:46
Speaker 1: when emotions aren't high. She says, I have big emotions,
14:50
Speaker 1: both positive and negative. I have been very big emotions
14:55
Speaker 1: that can mean a lot of things. Big emotions are
14:59
Speaker 1: something that that you love somebody for, but you also
15:02
Speaker 1: have to love somebody through because when people have negative,
15:04
Speaker 1: big emotions, sometimes the way that the emotions sit on
15:08
Speaker 1: the situation are a lot, a lot more extreme than
15:12
Speaker 1: the way your emotions sit on the situation. And when
15:15
Speaker 1: things are to an emotional extreme that you don't vibrate with,
15:19
Speaker 1: it can feel volatile and people don't really know how
15:22
Speaker 1: to approach you, because, oh, this thing is seemingly little
15:26
Speaker 1: to me, but if I approach you, it's going to
15:28
Speaker 1: be a big response, and that changes the dynamic of
15:30
Speaker 1: your relationship. Not saying you need to feel bad for that,
15:33
Speaker 1: I'm just saying that that's something that you need to
15:35
Speaker 1: be aware of. But when you have these conversations and
15:39
Speaker 1: you having these conversations in a place where emotions are
15:43
Speaker 1: really high. It warps the ability to be effectively communicative
15:51
Speaker 1: in these situations, and the best time to talk about
15:54
Speaker 1: these things. The best time to talk about these needs
15:56
Speaker 1: isn't when y'all are running fifteen minutes late or you
15:59
Speaker 1: feel like you all are going to be running fifteen
16:02
Speaker 1: minutes late, which is different running late and feeling like
16:06
Speaker 1: you're going to run late. They're not the same thing necessarily.
16:10
Speaker 1: But when these things happen, it's hard to have that
16:13
Speaker 1: conversation because emotions are high and your words don't come
16:15
Speaker 1: out as clearly, and your thoughts have a lot of
16:18
Speaker 1: transition from your heart to your brain to your mouth
16:22
Speaker 1: to their ears to their brain to their heart, and
16:25
Speaker 1: that exchange occurs. It's a lot that could be jumbled
16:28
Speaker 1: up or misinterpreted, or said the wrong way, or said
16:31
Speaker 1: in the heat of battle. That doesn't necessarily reflect what
16:34
Speaker 1: you think or what you feel. I'm sorry, it doesn't
16:38
Speaker 1: necessarily reflect what you think. It just reflects what you feel,
16:42
Speaker 1: which again is not the same thing. So it's really
16:45
Speaker 1: valuable to have these conversations preemptively. You know, maintenance on
16:51
Speaker 1: the car that you know, changing oil is a lot
16:53
Speaker 1: different than fixing the engine when that joint's already blown up.
16:57
Speaker 1: To have these conversations beforehand, these conversations in a tone
17:02
Speaker 1: that isn't adversarial. It's not me against you, it's us
17:05
Speaker 1: against this problem. You know, babe, I know this. You know.
17:09
Speaker 1: Let's we go out to lunch and this isn't the
17:12
Speaker 1: whole point of the lunch, but it's a talking point. Babe.
17:14
Speaker 1: You know what I notice. I put it, I'm gonna
17:17
Speaker 1: be you, man, I'm gonna be you right now, and
17:20
Speaker 1: I'm gonna talk to your fiance. Babe. You know what
17:22
Speaker 1: I notice? I have really big emotions sometimes when I
17:26
Speaker 1: feel these things happening, like like let's say we're gonna
17:29
Speaker 1: be late to my sister's baby shower. I have these
17:32
Speaker 1: big feelings, and sometimes the way I translate them, I
17:35
Speaker 1: don't always feel like it's helpful. What do you see
17:40
Speaker 1: when I start doing that? That's the intail piece. What
17:44
Speaker 1: do you see when I start doing? What is my
17:45
Speaker 1: face doing? What is my language doing? This gives me
17:49
Speaker 1: intel or not just what I feel, but how I'm
17:53
Speaker 1: coming across, because I'm the way you respond to me,
17:56
Speaker 1: is that just from my words? It's from how I'm
17:59
Speaker 1: making you feel as well. And this also gives your
18:01
Speaker 1: partner some skin in the game, like, Okay, now you're
18:04
Speaker 1: asking me how I feel about things. This has to
18:06
Speaker 1: be a solutionary in the process. This ain't blamed. So
18:08
Speaker 1: you got to be in that place. And then you
18:10
Speaker 1: ask you know what, Yeah, I can Either you can
18:13
Speaker 1: see that or you disagree with that, but you're taking
18:16
Speaker 1: that as intel. It's just more information for you to
18:19
Speaker 1: be able to help the situation later. And you say, okay,
18:22
Speaker 1: all right, and why you all are in a calm
18:24
Speaker 1: of this situation, y'all explain tactfully, piece by piece what happens,
18:29
Speaker 1: deconstruct these situations. It's listen, man. You know, I have
18:34
Speaker 1: a homie who's a firearms instructor, and I've sitt on
18:37
Speaker 1: the pot before. I own weapons. I own a lot
18:39
Speaker 1: of weapons, and he's always training us to hit targets.
18:46
Speaker 1: Think hit targets when we're not a high pressure situations,
18:50
Speaker 1: because it's easy to say, yeah, somebody bringing to my
18:53
Speaker 1: house three am. This is what I'm gonna do it
18:54
Speaker 1: hit that target at a gun range with no pressure.
18:57
Speaker 1: Five times out of five, you're gonna hit that target bank,
19:00
Speaker 1: bang bang bang bang bang. But when it's three am
19:04
Speaker 1: and you just got scared out of your sleep and
19:05
Speaker 1: your alarm is blurring and your spouse is scared, and
19:08
Speaker 1: your kids are screaming, and you're disoriented and you got
19:10
Speaker 1: crusting your eye, you gotta peel a little bit. Well,
19:13
Speaker 1: you might not be able to react the same way.
19:16
Speaker 1: So you train and you practice, and you simulate the
19:19
Speaker 1: scenario so that when the action happens in the tactics
19:25
Speaker 1: are compromised. Because it's a high person situation, you have
19:29
Speaker 1: some sort of roadmap, you have some sort of familiarity,
19:33
Speaker 1: you've already talked about it, and you're able to better
19:36
Speaker 1: navigate that situation, all right. So in conclusion, because this
19:41
Speaker 1: is running a little long, you may be verbally saying
19:45
Speaker 1: I want you to understand me, But the way it
19:49
Speaker 1: may come across is I want you to feel what
19:51
Speaker 1: I feel. I want you to understand me is a
19:54
Speaker 1: fair ask. I want you to feel what I feel
19:57
Speaker 1: may not be and it may not be reasonable ask
20:01
Speaker 1: of that person. So I think it's a good idea
20:04
Speaker 1: to dip back into your internal world and ask yourself,
20:09
Speaker 1: do I know how to meet my needs in this moment.
20:13
Speaker 1: Am I doing everything that I can to meet my
20:16
Speaker 1: own needs in this moment? In this moment, am I
20:19
Speaker 1: depending on this person to fill the gap of where
20:21
Speaker 1: I can't meet my own needs in this moment? And
20:25
Speaker 1: is that fair for me to depend on them? I
20:28
Speaker 1: can't tell you what the answer is. It's something that
20:30
Speaker 1: only you can. But to ask someone to solve a
20:36
Speaker 1: problem where they don't have all the numbers to the equation,
20:40
Speaker 1: it's setting that person up to fail. And that's not
20:43
Speaker 1: fair to you, That is not fair to them, and
20:47
Speaker 1: that's not fair to your relationship. So this isn't an
20:50
Speaker 1: unsolvable problem. It's a problem of where are we what
20:55
Speaker 1: conversation are we having at two? What end? And this
20:58
Speaker 1: isn't all on you. Job is to listen. His job
21:02
Speaker 1: is to actively listen. His job is to help aid
21:06
Speaker 1: in the solution find him. His job is to frame
21:11
Speaker 1: the conversation. If he feels slighted or he feels like
21:14
Speaker 1: things again elevated, his job is to defend himself without
21:18
Speaker 1: again being adversarial or not being overly confrontational or being
21:21
Speaker 1: overly combative. Remember, if you make the problem the problem,
21:27
Speaker 1: you have a two on one against the solution if
21:30
Speaker 1: you make the person the problem, well, now you just
21:32
Speaker 1: gotta fight between one and another, and you all aren't necessarily
21:37
Speaker 1: getting to the crux of the issue. So yeah, that's
21:42
Speaker 1: my that's my fifty mini men. That's just my synopsis
21:49
Speaker 1: of that. But I'm wishing you all all the luck
21:51
Speaker 1: on that. It's not unfixable, but both of you all
21:54
Speaker 1: are going to have to make some changes. And it's
21:55
Speaker 1: not about who's fault it is. It's about what role
22:00
Speaker 1: are both of you all going to play in attacking
22:03
Speaker 1: this problem head on? All right, y'all, we have another
22:18
Speaker 1: question here. Let's listen and see what we got.
22:21
Speaker 4: Hi, So I don't know where to start. I've been
22:25
Speaker 4: married eight years. My husband and I met when I
22:30
Speaker 4: was forty, he was forty.
22:32
Speaker 1: Eight, and I hate it here.
22:36
Speaker 4: I recently told him that I think a separation is
22:40
Speaker 4: in order, and then he proceeded to tell me how
22:45
Speaker 4: I don't show up as a wife. I've never shown
22:48
Speaker 4: up as a wife. You know, just all of the
22:51
Speaker 4: reasons why I'm not enough, and you know, there's some
22:56
Speaker 4: history of a out hall at play. I came into
23:02
Speaker 4: the marriage with a huge heavy taste for alcohol. Recently stopped. Actually,
23:09
Speaker 4: it's been about two years. I've taken all sorts of
23:13
Speaker 4: how to be a wife classes and how to Be
23:16
Speaker 4: a Wife podcast, all types of things, you know, taking accountability.
23:24
Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, okay, Oh hold on, this looks like it
23:30
Speaker 1: has two parts. So here's the second part. Okay.
23:32
Speaker 4: So I just left a message, I mean, and I
23:36
Speaker 4: didn't realize that it would be read loud on your podcast,
23:41
Speaker 4: So feel free to share my concern. I guess my
23:46
Speaker 4: question is should I leave him or should I continue to.
23:51
Speaker 1: Ask my husband for therapy?
23:55
Speaker 4: Like I don't know, But in any event, if you
23:58
Speaker 4: could just keep my knee trying it, yeah, thank you.
24:05
Speaker 1: All right, So a few things stuck out to me
24:09
Speaker 1: just immediately hit my radar. Number one, she mentioned that
24:14
Speaker 1: she came into the relationship with a heavy taste for alcohol,
24:19
Speaker 1: and then she mentioned that she hasn't had any in
24:23
Speaker 1: two years, which, congratulations, that's fantastic. But a part of
24:29
Speaker 1: me can't help but realize that the phrasing and I'm
24:34
Speaker 1: gonna be honest and isn't to call you out just
24:37
Speaker 1: to bring you in the way you phrased that was
24:39
Speaker 1: a little came across as a little avoidant to say
24:42
Speaker 1: I have a heavy taste for alcohol is not the
24:46
Speaker 1: same as saying I came into the relationship with an
24:49
Speaker 1: addiction or with a substance dependency, which may not be
24:56
Speaker 1: the truth or may not be the case here, but
24:58
Speaker 1: just going by what you say, that sounds like what
25:01
Speaker 1: it is, and there's a part of me that can't help.
25:04
Speaker 1: But wonder if you're still having a hard time confronting
25:08
Speaker 1: that truth directly. In my book, it all starts when
25:12
Speaker 1: you do. I wrote about uncomfortable truths and how sometimes
25:16
Speaker 1: the breakthrough that we need is on the other side
25:19
Speaker 1: of not just admitting that uncomfortable truth, but sitting in
25:24
Speaker 1: it and not allowing it to just deteriorate our self
25:27
Speaker 1: worth and our self value, but allow it to exist
25:30
Speaker 1: alongside the reality that we're experiencing now. So that's the
25:34
Speaker 1: first thing I noticed. The second that I noticed is
25:37
Speaker 1: when she said she asked for separation, and he said
25:44
Speaker 1: he started saying she showed up as a wife, and
25:48
Speaker 1: he was saying he was expressing the way that he
25:51
Speaker 1: felt it seems, but the way she interpreted it wasn't
25:55
Speaker 1: that she didn't show up as a wife, or maybe
25:59
Speaker 1: his expectations weren't met. The way she framed it back
26:03
Speaker 1: at us was that reminded that it was reminded her
26:07
Speaker 1: that she wasn't enough. And whenever someone is saying one
26:12
Speaker 1: thing and the reflection that's being picked up it's just
26:16
Speaker 1: a little bit different or in a different font or
26:19
Speaker 1: different interpretation, is usually indicative of people's experiences clashing and
26:27
Speaker 1: it distorting what they hear versus what's being said. And also,
26:32
Speaker 1: on another note, and I'll get into this in a second,
26:35
Speaker 1: I wonder if he's not upset and what she's picking
26:41
Speaker 1: up that she's not enough, because that is the tone
26:45
Speaker 1: that's undergirden what he's saying to her. You know, sometimes
26:47
Speaker 1: when we're angry, we speak from a place of not
26:52
Speaker 1: just expressing our feelings because it's a cop out to say,
26:54
Speaker 1: I'm just telling you how I feel. No, you're not
26:57
Speaker 1: just telling me how you feel. You also want me
26:59
Speaker 1: to feel is bad as I made you feel. Because
27:02
Speaker 1: in working and substance use treatment facilities and outpatient facilities,
27:08
Speaker 1: I've learned something that people sometimes who are recovering from
27:11
Speaker 1: addiction have a really tough time when their partners are
27:17
Speaker 1: experiencing this new or renewed version of them, and they
27:21
Speaker 1: love this new version. They love the transformation, but maybe
27:24
Speaker 1: the person who's undergone the transformation isn't always honoring to
27:28
Speaker 1: the fullest extent, what that person, what their partner went
27:31
Speaker 1: through while they were getting there. The addiction is very
27:35
Speaker 1: hard to deal with for the person who has an addiction,
27:38
Speaker 1: assuming that's what this is, because this is an assumption,
27:41
Speaker 1: but I think this might be a pretty safe assumption.
27:43
Speaker 1: But also, addiction is really hard for the for the
27:46
Speaker 1: people around the person, for the people who loved that person.
27:49
Speaker 1: And even though you've changed, I can't help but think
27:52
Speaker 1: there may be a part of him who's still angry
27:55
Speaker 1: at the person that you once were when you were
27:57
Speaker 1: using So I think that plays a role. And one
28:01
Speaker 1: more thing that's stuck out. She said that I've been
28:04
Speaker 1: listening to podcast and reading books on how to be
28:07
Speaker 1: a better wife, which I love that. I think that's
28:10
Speaker 1: taken initiative, But she framed it as accountability. That's not
28:14
Speaker 1: accountability that's initiative. Accountability names the thing that happened. Accountability
28:20
Speaker 1: holds the thing that happened. It doesn't blame anybody else,
28:23
Speaker 1: it doesn't put it off on anybody else, And it
28:25
Speaker 1: says this is mine own. I own this, and it
28:28
Speaker 1: makes me feel terrible. But I'm not going to just
28:30
Speaker 1: focus on the way I feel. I'm going to focus
28:32
Speaker 1: on the situation holistically and how it affected the situation. Holistically,
28:37
Speaker 1: accountability brings it all on you as the responsible party,
28:42
Speaker 1: where blame find somebody else depend it on. But listening
28:45
Speaker 1: to a podcast or reading a book on how to
28:48
Speaker 1: operate differently, I think it's an accountable thing to do,
28:53
Speaker 1: But to define it as accountability feels like it's missing
28:57
Speaker 1: some elements. And when you tie that along with the
29:00
Speaker 1: that we frame the alcohol situation, I have a heavy
29:03
Speaker 1: taste in instead of saying like I came in and
29:06
Speaker 1: I was abusing alcohol or I had an addiction, instead
29:09
Speaker 1: of framing it that way. So when you mix that
29:11
Speaker 1: like kind of like going around the topic framing with
29:17
Speaker 1: using trying to do better as accountability in and of itself,
29:22
Speaker 1: I can see where there may be a problem here. Now,
29:25
Speaker 1: when you ask should I leave my husband? I don't know.
29:32
Speaker 1: I know you wanted a direct answer from me. That's
29:34
Speaker 1: not something that I can or will answer. That's a
29:37
Speaker 1: determination that you have to come to. That's a determination
29:41
Speaker 1: that you all kind of have to sift through. When
29:43
Speaker 1: you ask if you should continue therapy, I think that's
29:45
Speaker 1: a great idea. It sounds like there's a lot of
29:47
Speaker 1: room for you all to miss each other conversationally in
29:51
Speaker 1: your relationship. And I ain't do no assessment. I don't
29:53
Speaker 1: know what's going on in your relationship. I don't know
29:55
Speaker 1: all the history, but I know that that's not it.
29:57
Speaker 1: I know that there's more, and I know that the
30:00
Speaker 1: subcontexts had subcontexts that had subcontexts, and next thing you know,
30:05
Speaker 1: you know, we on level B seven were in the
30:08
Speaker 1: basement of the basement's basement. So I know that there
30:10
Speaker 1: may be a lot going on. I just don't know
30:12
Speaker 1: what it is. So I'm shooting in the dark head.
30:15
Speaker 1: But the thing I wonder, my question to you is
30:19
Speaker 1: why are you there? Why are you in that marriage?
30:23
Speaker 1: Not what brought you there? Not what brought you there,
30:26
Speaker 1: not what initiative? Why are you there? Is it companionship?
30:29
Speaker 1: Is it that this person feels a very deep need
30:33
Speaker 1: for you? And my question is if that person feels
30:35
Speaker 1: a very deep need for you, is it because of
30:37
Speaker 1: who they are specifically or just the role that they play,
30:40
Speaker 1: Because anybody can play a role. But if it's that
30:42
Speaker 1: person specifically, that's something different. Are you all together because
30:46
Speaker 1: you've been together so long you don't know how to
30:48
Speaker 1: be a part. Are you all together because the opposite
30:52
Speaker 1: of being together is loneliness and you'd rather be miserable
30:55
Speaker 1: where you are than lonely where you're not. Those are
30:58
Speaker 1: questions that you have to ask. But I think mediator
31:00
Speaker 1: is a good job because any kink in the holes
31:03
Speaker 1: of communication, any kink in the holes of perspective, usually
31:07
Speaker 1: needs a third party so that you all cannot only
31:10
Speaker 1: hear each other, but learn how to hear each other,
31:13
Speaker 1: And not only learn how to hear each other, but
31:15
Speaker 1: learn how to talk to each other. People assume because
31:18
Speaker 1: they love a person, they know how to talk to him,
31:20
Speaker 1: and that is very, very incorrect. That's not true at all.
31:23
Speaker 1: We would like for it to be true, but that
31:25
Speaker 1: doesn't make it any more of our reality. So I
31:28
Speaker 1: can't tell you whether or not you need to get
31:30
Speaker 1: separated or divorced. But I think that you may be
31:35
Speaker 1: hearing things that come through the lens of guilt or shame.
31:41
Speaker 1: I think that his words may be filtered through that lens.
31:44
Speaker 1: I don't know what type of internal guilt or shame
31:47
Speaker 1: you may carry along with you just being in pain
31:49
Speaker 1: right now, being in a situation that you don't love.
31:53
Speaker 1: And I also don't know how many of his words
31:56
Speaker 1: have heat behind him because he's angry and upset and
31:59
Speaker 1: he does it just want you to know how he feels.
32:02
Speaker 1: He wants you to feel the way you once made
32:04
Speaker 1: him feel or the way you do make him feel.
32:07
Speaker 1: When you bring up the idea separation, because that is
32:09
Speaker 1: something that women bring up a lot more often than men.
32:12
Speaker 1: I can't help but wonder if you all when you
32:15
Speaker 1: say that whether or not therapy is even an option,
32:18
Speaker 1: whether that's something on the table, but if you're going
32:22
Speaker 1: to get divorced, because social media glamorizes divorce in a way,
32:25
Speaker 1: and I'm not going to tell you divorce is always
32:27
Speaker 1: a bad idea because sometimes it's needed, is necessary, and
32:29
Speaker 1: it's liberating, but it's not always liberating, and it's not
32:34
Speaker 1: only liberating. People aren't telling the whole truth, even when
32:37
Speaker 1: that person wasn't good for you, Even when you all
32:40
Speaker 1: had like a messy breakup, or you know that bone
32:45
Speaker 1: just didn't break cleanly, there is a lot of repair
32:48
Speaker 1: and healing that happens or needs to take place after
32:51
Speaker 1: the vorce. That's not easy to go through. It's not
32:54
Speaker 1: I know, we dancing on social media and popping bottles
32:56
Speaker 1: and waving and they look how I got over it?
32:58
Speaker 1: But nothing social media is all the way real and
33:02
Speaker 1: I just want you to hold that. But also know
33:04
Speaker 1: that you all don't have to stay in a situation
33:08
Speaker 1: that doesn't work. But if you want to feel good
33:10
Speaker 1: about your decision the part, if that's what you do,
33:13
Speaker 1: you have to exhaust every resource to make sure that
33:15
Speaker 1: y'all talk it out. To be really confident in the
33:19
Speaker 1: fact that you did everything you needed to do. You
33:21
Speaker 1: turned every rock, you tried everything to make it work
33:24
Speaker 1: and it just didn't. Because that way you could separate
33:26
Speaker 1: and never wonder why or how or what if. And
33:30
Speaker 1: that's a great way to live your life. Got to
33:33
Speaker 1: walk into them uncomfortable truths, man, I know they don't
33:35
Speaker 1: feel good, but my god, are they necessary for us
33:37
Speaker 1: to practice some self honesty? All right? That was good?
33:42
Speaker 1: These are good questions, man. People really dealing with real
33:46
Speaker 1: life out there in real time. So if you're listening
33:49
Speaker 1: to this and any of it's resonating with you, just
33:51
Speaker 1: want you to take a moment and reflect on how
33:53
Speaker 1: you've been in your individual journey, how you've navigated that,
33:57
Speaker 1: what questions you've asked yourself, how you may have made
33:59
Speaker 1: another person the problem. I think on social media it's
34:02
Speaker 1: easy to say you did this, and you did this,
34:04
Speaker 1: and you did this, and I get it. I get it.
34:07
Speaker 1: But that's why the book forty eight Laws of Power
34:09
Speaker 1: is so popular, and I'm always going to reference that
34:12
Speaker 1: book because it helps you manipulate the outside world and
34:16
Speaker 1: relationships and influence, but it doesn't really teach you how
34:18
Speaker 1: to work your internal universe, the work that you need
34:21
Speaker 1: to do for you. And if someone else comes along
34:24
Speaker 1: on that journey, that's fine, but it's the youth for you,
34:26
Speaker 1: stuff that people typically have a heart of time. Where
34:30
Speaker 1: so I'm glad that we're going through this all right now.
34:33
Speaker 1: I think we got time for one or two more?
34:35
Speaker 1: Which'all think? I think we got time for one or
34:37
Speaker 1: two more? All right, here is another one. Let's listen together,
34:41
Speaker 1: see what we got. I don't know you that lower hell.
34:54
Speaker 1: I guess the lady you know from then grad into it.
35:01
Speaker 1: I guess everything. I guess for me who I saw policy.
35:10
Speaker 2: I don't know, Oh, life being bars, I'm bored. Otherwise,
35:22
Speaker 2: they didn't talking for three days that I'm trying to
35:28
Speaker 2: figure it out. She didn't do nothing for me wo
35:36
Speaker 2: because of talking. I don't know why. I know, because
35:43
Speaker 2: I don't know. I'm trying to fringe it.
35:45
Speaker 1: Up and there that's what I'm came at the moment,
35:55
Speaker 1: by enterprised yesterday or by ye bye bye roa t
36:03
Speaker 1: ain't time. Yeah, I know, good day. Okay, So it
36:15
Speaker 1: sounds like that the audio wasn't very good on that one.
36:19
Speaker 1: But if let's let's I picked up what he was saying. Basically,
36:24
Speaker 1: he said that he's married and he and his wife
36:28
Speaker 1: have not been talking for three days. And it sounds
36:32
Speaker 1: like he said that she didn't do anything to me.
36:37
Speaker 1: But I don't know if he meant he didn't do
36:39
Speaker 1: anything to her, because that would make more sense when
36:44
Speaker 1: you listen to everything that he said. He said he
36:47
Speaker 1: mentioned something about depression. I think he said he's been depressed.
36:49
Speaker 1: He said he's been mentally drained, not physically, but mentally tired,
36:53
Speaker 1: which would align with the symptoms of depression. I think
36:56
Speaker 1: that makes sense there. But the thing that caught my
37:00
Speaker 1: attention was when he said for no reason. And I
37:06
Speaker 1: think we can make this really quick. If I was
37:08
Speaker 1: your therapist, I would If I was your therapist, I
37:13
Speaker 1: wouldn't give it to you this bluntly, because that's not
37:16
Speaker 1: how therapy works. But we don't have time. We got
37:19
Speaker 1: to cut straight to the mustard. It's never for no reason.
37:22
Speaker 1: It's almost never for no reason why someone decides to
37:25
Speaker 1: stop talking to you, particularly your significant other. It's almost
37:29
Speaker 1: never not for no reason. It was almost never something
37:32
Speaker 1: that just immediately and spontaneously came out of nowhere. Sometimes
37:36
Speaker 1: it's the accumulation of a lot of things that have
37:39
Speaker 1: unaddressed and unresolved and unrepaired for quite some time. Now.
37:43
Speaker 1: I don't know how long you've been married. We didn't
37:46
Speaker 1: have that type of information, and I don't have a scale,
37:48
Speaker 1: any of marriage satisfaction inventory to give you to see
37:51
Speaker 1: where you and your spouse are. But if you say
37:55
Speaker 1: it's for no reason, that's indicative of one of two
37:58
Speaker 1: things to me. Either one you don't know why, because
38:01
Speaker 1: you are not attuned to what's going on in your
38:04
Speaker 1: relationship enough. And I'm not saying you're not a tuned
38:08
Speaker 1: at all, but I don't think what you're doing is enough,
38:11
Speaker 1: and sometimes it's our best, it's just not enough. Even
38:14
Speaker 1: though that's our capacity. We don't just doing our best
38:18
Speaker 1: doesn't satisfy the need. Doing the job satisfied as the need.
38:24
Speaker 1: And that's not the undermine how hard it may be.
38:26
Speaker 1: It's just it's just the truth of the matter.
38:28
Speaker 2: Man.
38:29
Speaker 1: Just because you're trying your best, that doesn't always mean
38:31
Speaker 1: that it's going to show up as a as a
38:33
Speaker 1: green light on the other side. So either you don't
38:36
Speaker 1: know because you're oblivious, you're not attuned enough, or you
38:40
Speaker 1: don't know why she's upset because you're purposely oblivious. You're
38:46
Speaker 1: you're purposely not paying enough attention. And that's not to
38:49
Speaker 1: blame you, it's just to put it on your radar.
38:53
Speaker 1: If you're with a person every day and they're upset
38:55
Speaker 1: with you and you have no reason why, that is
38:58
Speaker 1: a massive indicator to me that more attention needs to
39:01
Speaker 1: be paid. One and two more questions need to be asked.
39:04
Speaker 1: I think that needs to be your first step. And
39:08
Speaker 1: this is the thing. If you go and you ask
39:12
Speaker 1: why are you upset with me? I think that's a
39:15
Speaker 1: bad strategy for one person's probably going to feel like
39:18
Speaker 1: you need to already know why I'm upset with you,
39:20
Speaker 1: which is not fair. But you shouldn't. Not you should,
39:23
Speaker 1: But it's a likelihood that you have some type of clue.
39:27
Speaker 1: Maybe it's a maybe something you don't want to confront
39:30
Speaker 1: right now. Maybe it's the truth you don't want to face.
39:32
Speaker 1: And I get that, But like I said, and like
39:35
Speaker 1: I wrote in my book, we have to confront uncomfortable truths.
39:38
Speaker 1: Running from it will not save you. So this is
39:41
Speaker 1: the way that I will frame the question. Babe, we
39:43
Speaker 1: haven't talked for three days, and this is where I
39:47
Speaker 1: would do it. Now telling you to do it this way,
39:49
Speaker 1: but this is this is how I would do it. Baby,
39:50
Speaker 1: we haven't talked to three days and it's killing me
39:54
Speaker 1: because the closeness in our relationship is important to me.
39:57
Speaker 1: If that's really how you feel saying that, don't lie.
40:00
Speaker 1: I know that you're upset with me, but I want
40:02
Speaker 1: to help resolve this issue. Why are you What is
40:05
Speaker 1: the reason that you're upset with me right now? What
40:08
Speaker 1: did I do to make you feel this way? Oh?
40:10
Speaker 1: You know what, I don't think that's a good question
40:12
Speaker 1: to ask. What did I do? What is making you
40:14
Speaker 1: feel this way? And this is your opportunity to do
40:17
Speaker 1: something that's very hard. You shut up and you listen.
40:22
Speaker 1: This is you information gathering. Don't try. It's going to
40:26
Speaker 1: be very hard. But this isn't a time to defend yourself.
40:28
Speaker 1: There will be time for that later. This isn't a
40:31
Speaker 1: time for you to respond with your intention. There will
40:33
Speaker 1: be time for that later. This is a time for
40:35
Speaker 1: the person who you are married to to feel heard now.
40:39
Speaker 1: There are a lot of other steps after that. There
40:42
Speaker 1: are a lot of other steps after that. Because just
40:44
Speaker 1: hearing somebody having an awareness of what's going on with
40:46
Speaker 1: them that is fandmically tastic, amazing, great, not nearly enough,
40:52
Speaker 1: because there has to be action that takes place. You
40:55
Speaker 1: have to do something about it. Then after you do
40:57
Speaker 1: something about it, there's maintenance that needs to take place
41:00
Speaker 1: where you continue to put those pieces there so that
41:04
Speaker 1: the things that you are repairing in your relationship are
41:07
Speaker 1: able to stay. They're not just things you're doing for
41:09
Speaker 1: a quick fix. The actually reasonable solutions that you're finding
41:14
Speaker 1: to a problem. And I said this with the other
41:17
Speaker 1: joints in the last two comments. It's one thing to
41:19
Speaker 1: make this her problem or your problem. It's another thing
41:22
Speaker 1: to make this a problem that you take the lead on.
41:25
Speaker 1: But it's a group project. It's a group project. We
41:29
Speaker 1: are going to figure this out together. But brother, you
41:31
Speaker 1: got to actually want to do that. You got to
41:34
Speaker 1: actually want to do that. And I'm not saying you don't,
41:38
Speaker 1: but it concerns me that your wife has not been
41:41
Speaker 1: talking to you for three days and you don't know why. Now.
41:45
Speaker 1: I hope that she's the type of person who can
41:48
Speaker 1: communicate her needs, who doesn't say nothing because that's not helpful,
41:54
Speaker 1: that's not helpful. I hope she's a person who feels
41:57
Speaker 1: comfortable and safe enough to really give it to you
42:00
Speaker 1: all at one, one time, like, look, this is the
42:03
Speaker 1: way I'm feeling, without necessarily blaming you, but just informing you.
42:06
Speaker 1: But this is why I'm an advocate of a couple's counseling,
42:09
Speaker 1: because I don't see if you've been so upset about
42:14
Speaker 1: it that you've been down and out and mentally drained
42:16
Speaker 1: for two or three days. I don't think there's a
42:18
Speaker 1: thing she can say to you that won't make you defensive,
42:20
Speaker 1: And I don't think there's a way that you can
42:22
Speaker 1: get defensive that won't make her go back into her
42:25
Speaker 1: shill and stop talking again. It sounds like you're being
42:28
Speaker 1: distance and stone walled a little bit. If that's exactly
42:31
Speaker 1: what's happening here. So this is a good time of
42:34
Speaker 1: going in a mediator. This is a good time to
42:36
Speaker 1: go and get somebody to listen to both of you
42:39
Speaker 1: all and develop a come to a solution that benefits
42:44
Speaker 1: the collective, because if both people don't feel seen, heard, validated,
42:49
Speaker 1: and empathized with the solution, whatever you come to is
42:52
Speaker 1: just gonna be temporary. You're just kicking a can down
42:54
Speaker 1: the road. And I always say, if you kick the
42:56
Speaker 1: can down the road, at some point, you're gonna come
42:58
Speaker 1: across that can again. And what you're gonna do. You're
43:00
Speaker 1: gonna pick it up? Are you gonna examine it? Are
43:02
Speaker 1: you gonna put it in your pocket? Are you gonna
43:03
Speaker 1: recycle it? Are you gonna do something meaningful with it?
43:05
Speaker 1: Are you gonna kick it down the road again? And
43:07
Speaker 1: just continue this process because that's not how a healthy
43:10
Speaker 1: relationship works. That's just repeating a cycle of dysfunction. So
43:15
Speaker 1: it sounds like you got some work ahead of you.
43:18
Speaker 1: This is a time to really focus on your marriage.
43:21
Speaker 1: If you wanted to work. This is a time to
43:23
Speaker 1: dig in. And also I would I would suggest some
43:27
Speaker 1: individual therapy for you. It helps you so much. If
43:31
Speaker 1: you go into marriage counseling and you don't have individual therapy,
43:34
Speaker 1: it's not as effective. And be honest with you, a
43:36
Speaker 1: couple's counseling is always more effective when both people are
43:39
Speaker 1: seeing the individual therapist and doing their individual work. So
43:42
Speaker 1: I'm over here rooting for y'all. Good luck, which you
43:45
Speaker 1: good fortune on your journey. But my brother, you got
43:47
Speaker 1: to lock in. Is it is past time to lock
43:50
Speaker 1: in on that relationship and not just solve that problem,
43:54
Speaker 1: but come up with reasonable solutions that work for the
43:57
Speaker 1: both of y'all. For y'all, if y'all leave these messages,
44:03
Speaker 1: please please try to make the audio as clean as possible,
44:06
Speaker 1: because I want to hear what y'all gotta say, and
44:08
Speaker 1: I want to be able to respond to you knowing
44:09
Speaker 1: exactly what it is you're saying and how you feel.
44:12
Speaker 1: I don't have to do no guessing.
44:13
Speaker 3: But thank you.
44:14
Speaker 1: I'm glad that he came to us with that, because
44:17
Speaker 1: that's really sensitive. Man especially, gotta tell people the hard
44:19
Speaker 1: truth to get to a soft reality. All right, y'all,
44:30
Speaker 1: So we're going to do one more. I think we
44:31
Speaker 1: got time for one more, but before I listen to
44:34
Speaker 1: this joint, before we go through this together, because I
44:36
Speaker 1: love doing these mailbag episodes and I want to keep
44:39
Speaker 1: doing them. So make sure that you go to Learn
44:41
Speaker 1: the hard waypod dot com and leave me a voice message.
44:46
Speaker 1: I will answer your joint. I got you, but you
44:48
Speaker 1: gotta do your part. Go to Learn the hard waypod
44:52
Speaker 1: dot com. You see how my nuncy eating words. I'm
44:54
Speaker 1: letting that DC accent fall back a little bit so
44:56
Speaker 1: you can hear what I'm saying. Leave me a voice message,
45:00
Speaker 1: Leave me a voice message, leave me a voice message,
45:03
Speaker 1: and we will We will handle your business together right
45:06
Speaker 1: here on the pod. All right, here is the last
45:10
Speaker 1: one already. All right, let's do it. Hey, how you doing.
45:14
Speaker 5: I'm trying to figure out how do I go about
45:17
Speaker 5: trying to see what your schedule is in regards to
45:20
Speaker 5: booking you as a therapist, mister Gaines.
45:23
Speaker 1: I don't see any links on.
45:26
Speaker 5: Instagram, and I'm trying to look for it on Google,
45:28
Speaker 5: but I don't see a way to book you as
45:31
Speaker 5: a therapist. Is it possible that you can update that
45:34
Speaker 5: so that I could try to schedule.
45:36
Speaker 1: He all right, Now that guy had great audio, that
45:41
Speaker 1: audio was clear. My man had the microphone in his face.
45:45
Speaker 1: All right, So I get this question a lot, a lot,
45:49
Speaker 1: a lot, So let's let's let's talk about it. The
45:53
Speaker 1: first thing he says, I don't see a link anywhere
45:55
Speaker 1: to book you for therapy, and that is on purpose.
45:58
Speaker 1: I think that. I think the average person on Instagram
46:02
Speaker 1: has between two hundred and six hundred followers. Some people
46:06
Speaker 1: got like a thousand or two thousand. I got one
46:08
Speaker 1: point six million, and that ain't even a brag, that's
46:12
Speaker 1: just the truth. It's one point six million. And I
46:15
Speaker 1: think my dms are so popping that if you send
46:18
Speaker 1: me a DM right now, when I hit refreshed, I
46:20
Speaker 1: won't be able to find your DM. There's an average
46:24
Speaker 1: of about fifteen to forty nine million people who visit
46:28
Speaker 1: my page monthly in the last year between between like, yeah,
46:32
Speaker 1: between twelve and forty million. It's impossible to keep up
46:36
Speaker 1: with everybody. Not only that, but you would have to
46:38
Speaker 1: live in DC. I'm only licensed to practice in DC.
46:41
Speaker 1: Therapist is only licensed by states. Some people have multiple states.
46:45
Speaker 1: I don't. I just have DC. So you would have
46:47
Speaker 1: to be a DC resident. Each therapy session takes forty
46:50
Speaker 1: five minutes, so that would be an hour if you
46:52
Speaker 1: multiply that by the one hundred two hundred three hundred
46:56
Speaker 1: requests we get for therapy a week. I think you
46:58
Speaker 1: can see how that would ultimately because on my life,
47:01
Speaker 1: I do have a client list. I do see one
47:03
Speaker 1: on ones, but my books are closed. I just see
47:05
Speaker 1: the people that I see, and I really don't have
47:08
Speaker 1: time for anybody else because I think that your life matters,
47:12
Speaker 1: your mental health matters, and me and this capacity, I
47:15
Speaker 1: wouldn't be able to give you everything you need. I
47:18
Speaker 1: can't guarantee you I'm gonna show up every Monday for therapy,
47:21
Speaker 1: and that's not good for you. That's not how a
47:23
Speaker 1: consistent practice works. I would never want to promise you
47:27
Speaker 1: something that I can't fully deliver on and just next
47:30
Speaker 1: week I'll be in London all week. I ain't know
47:32
Speaker 1: that until what a few days ago. It's so sporadic
47:35
Speaker 1: what I do. But that's the reason that we have
47:38
Speaker 1: learned the hard way. Pod That's the reason that I
47:40
Speaker 1: create content on Instagram. That's the reason that I wrote
47:44
Speaker 1: it all starts when you do. Because even though I
47:48
Speaker 1: can't see folks one on one like I would love to.
47:52
Speaker 1: I think it's important for the information to still get
47:54
Speaker 1: out there. It's man, I would absolutely sink myself seeing
48:02
Speaker 1: thirty forty fifty sixty clients a day. It's just not possible.
48:05
Speaker 1: The volume is too high. But I want to make
48:07
Speaker 1: sure that the resource is still out there. Now. I
48:10
Speaker 1: love that people love my approach. I love the people
48:12
Speaker 1: love my canda. I love that people feel comfortable with me.
48:15
Speaker 1: But I am one of thousands and thousands and thousands
48:19
Speaker 1: and thousands of therapists that may be very good for you.
48:23
Speaker 1: And you can go through your insurance, you can go
48:26
Speaker 1: through things like psychology today and different boards that have
48:31
Speaker 1: different licensed therapists available. Make sure you verify, make sure
48:35
Speaker 1: they're licensed, they qualified, they ethically sound, and they know
48:38
Speaker 1: what they're doing, and you can find one that way.
48:41
Speaker 1: But this is the best way for me to interact
48:43
Speaker 1: with millions of people at a time. Oh oh man,
48:45
Speaker 1: nothing would exist. I spend my whole life in sessions
48:48
Speaker 1: with people, and then I wouldn't be a whole human.
48:50
Speaker 1: I'd be exhausted. I wouldn't even be able to hear
48:51
Speaker 1: what you're saying. I'd be too burnt out, a fried
48:54
Speaker 1: so I get that question a lot. I am not
48:56
Speaker 1: taking clients. I don't think my books will ever reopen
48:58
Speaker 1: the clients that I have or the that I will keep.
49:01
Speaker 1: And I wish I could see all y'all want on one,
49:03
Speaker 1: but that is literally, it is literally impossible. But I
49:07
Speaker 1: do hope that you connect with a therapist that not
49:10
Speaker 1: only sees you, hears you and feels you and makes
49:13
Speaker 1: you feel safe and validated and very much a part
49:18
Speaker 1: of your own healing journey. But I hope you. I
49:22
Speaker 1: hope you find a therapist that makes you believe that
49:28
Speaker 1: where you need to go or where you desire to be,
49:31
Speaker 1: it's something that's within your something that's within your attainable
49:36
Speaker 1: grass for sure, because because having and being connected with
49:40
Speaker 1: adupe therapist is a life life, life altering occurrence. So yeah,
49:46
Speaker 1: thank you man. He sounded like, hey, bro, I need
49:48
Speaker 1: a session right now? What's up? Man? Running at forty
49:52
Speaker 1: five minutes. I wish I could. It's just not possible
49:54
Speaker 1: for me. But what's possible for you, again, is to
49:58
Speaker 1: ask me any question, any question you want. I would
50:02
Speaker 1: love to hear from more guys, but I love the
50:04
Speaker 1: fact that women are on the pod and asking these questions,
50:08
Speaker 1: I'm happy to answer them to the best of my ability.
50:10
Speaker 1: Open it up, give you some perspective. Make sure you
50:12
Speaker 1: go to Learn the hardwaypod dot com. The link is
50:16
Speaker 1: in my bio on the Learn the hard Way Instagram.
50:19
Speaker 1: If you're following Learn the hard Way Pod on Instagram, right,
50:22
Speaker 1: I know you are. I'm not. We don't even got
50:24
Speaker 1: to do that. I know you're following the page. And
50:26
Speaker 1: if you're not, just go ahead and follow real quick.
50:28
Speaker 1: We're going pretend when he had this little conversation, it's
50:31
Speaker 1: not even the thing. Don't worry about it because you're
50:33
Speaker 1: already following. Right, of course you are. What what am
50:36
Speaker 1: I saying? What a what a crazy question for me
50:39
Speaker 1: to ask? Of course you are. But yeah, that's it
50:43
Speaker 1: for us today, y'all. It's it's dope to give advice,
50:49
Speaker 1: and it's dope to give perspective, and it's dope to
50:52
Speaker 1: share what you think. But ultimately, you are the driver
50:56
Speaker 1: of your own life. You are a completely autonomous person
51:00
Speaker 1: who makes their own decisions. Sometimes we have an information problem.
51:04
Speaker 1: We don't know everything we need to know in order
51:06
Speaker 1: to make our decisions and sometimes we have an indecision
51:09
Speaker 1: problem where we have too many options and we don't
51:12
Speaker 1: know which one to choose. But one of my favorite
51:16
Speaker 1: poems in the world is Calleding Victis, and the gentleman
51:21
Speaker 1: who wrote it wrote it on his deathbed, he was dying,
51:24
Speaker 1: and it starts with, you know, out of the night
51:25
Speaker 1: that covers me black as a pit, from pole to pole,
51:28
Speaker 1: I think, whatever gods may be for my unconquerable soul,
51:32
Speaker 1: and I fail clutch a circumstance. I have not winced
51:34
Speaker 1: the crowd aloud under the bludgeonings of chance. My head
51:38
Speaker 1: is bloody but unbowed. And he goes through this thing.
51:41
Speaker 1: He's just talking about death and looking death in the
51:43
Speaker 1: face and questioned it. But he ends it with it
51:47
Speaker 1: matters not how straight the gate, how charged with punishments
51:51
Speaker 1: the scroll. I am the master of my fate. I
51:55
Speaker 1: am the captain of my soul. You can listen to
51:59
Speaker 1: whoever you want, you could take advice from whoever you want,
52:02
Speaker 1: but ultimately it is your hands on the steering wheel
52:05
Speaker 1: of your life at ten or two. So the question
52:08
Speaker 1: from me to you is where you're gonna go, how
52:11
Speaker 1: you gonna get there? Glad we got resources like this
52:15
Speaker 1: so we could talk it out. But that is my time.
52:17
Speaker 1: I appreciate your awareness, appreciate the love y'all been giving me. Man.
52:21
Speaker 1: Make sure that you rate the pod. I ain't telling
52:24
Speaker 1: you give me five stars, but if you did, I
52:26
Speaker 1: will not be mad. I would not be mad. Make
52:30
Speaker 1: sure that you comment it holds the pod go along way.
52:33
Speaker 1: Make sure that you look at the clips on YouTube. Comment.
52:36
Speaker 1: We need your voices out there, man, just so people
52:39
Speaker 1: know that this pod is something worth listening to. We
52:41
Speaker 1: can continue to grow our audience, grow our influence and
52:44
Speaker 1: help more people build this community exactly Brick brick by
52:49
Speaker 1: brick sonon Man, y'all take it until next time. Job
52:54
Speaker 1: will Done? Learn the Hard Way is a production of
52:58
Speaker 1: I Heeart Podcast Your host Ker Gaines. We're produced by
53:02
Speaker 1: Courtney Deans and Cason Alexander. Ashley. J. Hobbs is our
53:06
Speaker 1: senior producer. Our executive producers are Will Packer, Doctor Joy Harden, Bradford,
53:11
Speaker 1: Alex Balden, and Carla Willmarris