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#1080 - Q&A: Lazy Husband & Sleep Struggles · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Family's podcast.
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  Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just
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  Speaker 2: wants answers now.
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  Speaker 1: Today answering your questions on the Happy Family's podcast about
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  Speaker 1: a husband who refuses to pull his weight and leaves
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  Speaker 1: the house and mass leaves everything for his wife to do.
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  Speaker 1: What is going on there? As well as that a
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  Speaker 1: twelve year old who is dealing with massive anxiety, can't
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  Speaker 1: go to sleep at night, has no friends, and is
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  Speaker 1: causing so much stress and challenge in the home. Hello,
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  Speaker 1: my name is doctor Justin Courson. Welcome, Welcome to the
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  Speaker 1: Happy Family's podcast. So good to have you here. If
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  Speaker 1: you would like to know about how to make your
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  Speaker 1: family happier, if you'd like to know about how to
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  Speaker 1: improve your well being, if you'd like to know about
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  Speaker 1: how to make your relationships stronger. In fact, if you'd
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  Speaker 1: like to ask me anything at all, just submit your
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  Speaker 1: questions with the super simple system at happy families dot
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  Speaker 1: com dot au. All you have to do is go
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  Speaker 1: to the homepage, click the record button at the podcast
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  Speaker 1: section and start talk. That is literally it, let's fire
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  Speaker 1: this one up. The first question comes from somebody who
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  Speaker 1: is anonymous, and this is what they've asked, Hey.
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  Speaker 3: Justin and Kylie incredibly frustrated. Right now, I can't be
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  Speaker 3: everything to everyone. My husband acts like he doesn't expect
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  Speaker 3: anything of me, but then when he needs to step up,
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  Speaker 3: he just can't. I honestly think it's feigned in competence.
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  Speaker 3: I got the house prepared for the school holidays so
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  Speaker 3: that it was easy to have time with the kids
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  Speaker 3: instead of spending all my time cleaning and chasing my tail.
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  Speaker 3: I also managed to keep it clean the entire first
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  Speaker 3: week of the holidays, despite having playdates and many cooking
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  Speaker 3: sessions and messy play games with my kids. On the weekend,
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  Speaker 3: I picked up a shift, and when I got home
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  Speaker 3: at ten pm from said shift, the house was a bomb.
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  Speaker 3: I am just so angry that he didn't take half
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  Speaker 3: an hour to get everything in order so that I
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  Speaker 3: wouldn't have to come home to a pig sty. What
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  Speaker 3: am I meant to do with a husband who is
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  Speaker 3: more of a child than my kids. We're also trying
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  Speaker 3: to navigate the ndis may thanks so much.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, this one's a tough one. I want to give
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  Speaker 1: your husband the benefit of the doubt. I want to
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  Speaker 1: suggest that there are other ways to do parenting other
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  Speaker 1: than the way that you want it to be done.
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  Speaker 1: I really think that sometimes perspective taking can be helpful.
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  Speaker 1: And it sounds like you're just so stressed out both
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  Speaker 1: of you, that there are any number of explanations for
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  Speaker 1: what could be going on. Therefore, what I'm about to say,
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  Speaker 1: you need to really, I guess take with a grain
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  Speaker 1: of salt if there's any compassion or empathy or any
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  Speaker 1: other way of seeing things based on the information you've
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  Speaker 1: given me. Though, let's call a spade a spade. If
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  Speaker 1: your husband is feigning incompetence, that's a load of garbage.
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  Speaker 1: He's not helpless, he's choosing not to help. He is
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  Speaker 1: an adult, he's capable, and he's leaving you overwhelmed, and
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  Speaker 1: he's leaving you resentful. You're trying to juggle work, the kids,
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  Speaker 1: a spotless house, navigating the NDS mays, and it sounds
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  Speaker 1: to me like he's coasting. That's not a partnership. It's
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  Speaker 1: a one woman show with a very reluctant audience member.
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  Speaker 1: So here's my advice, minus any ultimatums or anything like that,
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  Speaker 1: because I don't think that's what we need here. And
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  Speaker 1: I want to add one more time the caveat. We
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  Speaker 1: might have this all wrong. Maybe he's choosing to play
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  Speaker 1: with the kids rather than tidy the house because that's
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  Speaker 1: what he values and that's where he thinks he can
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  Speaker 1: add the most value. Maybe he's choosing to bust himself
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  Speaker 1: all day at work and when he comes home he
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  Speaker 1: is absolutely cooked and has nothing left. I don't like
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  Speaker 1: what I'm hearing. I'm not convinced that that's what's going on,
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  Speaker 1: but I do want to give him the benefit of
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  Speaker 1: the doubt if we can. If I'm wrong, if you're right.
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  Speaker 1: Three things. Number one, don't be a martyr. You're not
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  Speaker 1: wonder woman. You are a human being, and human beings
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  Speaker 1: need help. They need sleep, they need support, they need
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  Speaker 1: a community and a village, and they need a partner
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  Speaker 1: who is on their team. So I would stop trying
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  Speaker 1: to do it all and move into conversations where you
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  Speaker 1: can talk with him about what he's doing to make
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  Speaker 1: the contribution that's necessary to keep things moving and to
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  Speaker 1: take the load off you. That might of number two,
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  Speaker 1: having what some people might call a come to Jesus
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  Speaker 1: meeting where you sit down and you lay it all out.
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  Speaker 1: The exhaustion and maybe even the resentment and the unfairness,
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  Speaker 1: and be honest about it, but don't be accusatory. Okay,
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  Speaker 1: this isn't about pointing the finger and saying you're not
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  Speaker 1: pulling your weight, you're not doing what you should be doing. Rather,
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  Speaker 1: it's about saying, I'm doing all of these things and
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  Speaker 1: it's not sustainable, and I need your help. And I
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  Speaker 1: know you're helping in a variety of ways that you
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  Speaker 1: think really do help, but they're not the things that
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  Speaker 1: I need the most. That's what I mean there. Okay,
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  Speaker 1: this has got to be a very careful conversation, not
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  Speaker 1: a blame game, or it will blow up. The third
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  Speaker 1: thing that I would recommend that you do here, my
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  Speaker 1: anonymous friend is set some really clear expectations around what
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  Speaker 1: you're looking for, and probably I want to say consequences,
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  Speaker 1: but that's not the right word. Here's how i'd say it.
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  Speaker 1: Don't just vent offer solutions. So it might bit that
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  Speaker 1: you say, this is what I'm struggling with. There's the resentment,
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  Speaker 1: there's the unfairness, there's the exhaustion. And I've put this
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  Speaker 1: list together of things that I think we can work
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  Speaker 1: on together. Or here's this shared kland or there's a
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  Speaker 1: chore chart, whatever it takes to get him involved. And
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  Speaker 1: I guess that's the bit where if he doesn't follow through,
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  Speaker 1: if he's unwilling, well, I guess first of all, if
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  Speaker 1: he's unwilling but he's got really good reasons for being unwilling,
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  Speaker 1: then that means that you have that conversation and work
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  Speaker 1: it out from there. If he's able to do stuff
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  Speaker 1: but just doesn't, that's the bit where you say, all right, well,
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  Speaker 1: if you're not willing to step up, I'm going to
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  Speaker 1: step out and when I come back, I need these
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  Speaker 1: things done. Have a me day or take the kids out,
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  Speaker 1: or I don't know, whatever it is that you need
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  Speaker 1: to do so that you can make it clear to
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  Speaker 1: him that there's an expectation that's not being satisfied. Now,
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  Speaker 1: as to the NDIS, you've indicated that's a it's a
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  Speaker 1: bureaucratic mess. I would just say, don't let it defeat you.
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  Speaker 1: You're fighting for your daughter, and to me, that's the
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  Speaker 1: most important battle of all. So keep pushing, keep advocating,
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  Speaker 1: keep being that fierce muma who protecting her cub and
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  Speaker 1: help her to get the support that she needs. Bottom
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  Speaker 1: line here, you deserve a partner, not a project if
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  Speaker 1: you are doing all of this work. I think that
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  Speaker 1: in some ways this is a hard thing to say,
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  Speaker 1: but based on the scenario that I've been presented with here,
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  Speaker 1: some of what's going on with the very best of
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  Speaker 1: intentions leads to enabling his laziness. He needs to participate
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  Speaker 1: in the family. Family meetings. I've talked about them endlessly
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  Speaker 1: on the podcast. I think a couple's meeting is the
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  Speaker 1: kind of thing that's going to get this thing moving forward.
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  Speaker 1: What's going well, what's not? What can we work on together,
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  Speaker 1: getting on the same page. That's the way that I'd
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  Speaker 1: be heading with this. I know it's a sort of
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  Speaker 1: a tough love conversation. Good luck, really tricky one. Let's
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  Speaker 1: move on to question number two from Michelle in Victoria, Hi, Justin.
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  Speaker 2: And Cardie. Recently, my twelve year old daughter was assessed
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  Speaker 2: autism and ADHD. She has chronic insomnia and steeps in
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  Speaker 2: our bed. She regularly has anxiety attacks before bed. The
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  Speaker 2: next day, we are all exhausted. Her worst anxiety is
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  Speaker 2: no friends at school. She doesn't want to sleep at
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  Speaker 2: night because she says that her mind won't switch off
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  Speaker 2: and her words, she says, start eating a rotten banana.
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  Speaker 2: You know how terrible it tastes, and you know there's
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  Speaker 2: nothing that you can do to stop it happening again
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  Speaker 2: and again. Please, could you give us your best advice
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  Speaker 2: to help Michelle.
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  Speaker 1: I hear the exhaustion, and I hear the desperation, and
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  Speaker 1: this is such a hard one. A couple of things here.
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  Speaker 1: The first thing that I want to highlight is that
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  Speaker 1: psychological support from a qualified mental health practitioner is going
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  Speaker 1: to be your best bet here. I can only say
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  Speaker 1: so much in five or six minutes on the podcast,
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  Speaker 1: but what I do want to share with you hopefully
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  Speaker 1: will be helpful in a general sense. Specific help from
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  Speaker 1: somebody who can dive deep into your circumstances is going
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  Speaker 1: to be helpful. I want to start with the definition
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  Speaker 1: of mental health. The way that I look at mental
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  Speaker 1: health is this. Mental health is having the tolerance for
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  Speaker 1: difficult feelings and being able to respond to those difficult
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  Speaker 1: feelings and adaptive and functional ways. And what I'm hearing
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  Speaker 1: in your message on the part of your daughter is
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  Speaker 1: an undeniable absence of mental health. She is struggling with
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  Speaker 1: its opposite, with mental illness, which is a tremendous challenge,
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  Speaker 1: and you've articulated it so well. Something that you didn't
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  Speaker 1: quite clarify for me though, as you said that your
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  Speaker 1: daughter has been assessed for autism and ADHD, but you
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  Speaker 1: didn't indicate whether she has been diagnosed with those things,
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  Speaker 1: and so I'm a little bit limited in what I
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  Speaker 1: can say based on that uncertainty that I have in
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  Speaker 1: your message. Let's talk about anxiety, because that's something that
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  Speaker 1: you were very clear about. Anxiety around bead and anxiety
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  Speaker 1: around social challenges. Let's start with bedtime stuff. Bedtime routine
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  Speaker 1: I think is key to your wellbeing and to your
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  Speaker 1: daughter's well being. In fact, if there was one wellbeing
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  Speaker 1: hack and one parenting hack that I could give you,
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  Speaker 1: it's got nothing to do with well being or parenting.
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  Speaker 1: It's just get enough sleep, and clearly that's not happening
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  Speaker 1: for you. This is a really oh it's just a
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  Speaker 1: really hard one. I'd be talking with a GP, a
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  Speaker 1: medical practitioner, and having a look at any kind of
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  Speaker 1: medical issues that could be promoting this. It does sound
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  Speaker 1: like it's primarily psychological, but there are also different kinds
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  Speaker 1: of medical support that you can get. Medical interventions, pharmaceutical
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  Speaker 1: and interventions that can help your daughter to sleep without
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  Speaker 1: being heavily pharmaceutical, Like, there are natural versions of many
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  Speaker 1: pharmaceutical products, and I'd be having a chat about the
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  Speaker 1: safest and healthiest options there with a GP or somebody
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  Speaker 1: else that you trust with that kind of advice. Getting
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  Speaker 1: enough sleep is going to be really, really, really key
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  Speaker 1: to you having success here. When I listen to this,
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  Speaker 1: I just parents make such huge sacrifices. We're required that
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  Speaker 1: our children demanded obvious that we make these enormous sacrifices
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  Speaker 1: when it comes to sleep. This might be one of
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  Speaker 1: those sacrifices. I'd be looking at what kind of a
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  Speaker 1: routine works for her, What do we need to do
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  Speaker 1: to get her to sleep, and if that means that
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  Speaker 1: she sleeps in bed with mum, or that Dad goes
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  Speaker 1: and sleeps in another room, or that you come up
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  Speaker 1: with some kind of a solution, that may be quite
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  Speaker 1: a sacrifice that helps her to get the sleep. In fact,
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  Speaker 1: helps everyone to get the sleep that they need. You're
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  Speaker 1: going to find that tempers are going to be much
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  Speaker 1: much more in control of you. To find you've got
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  Speaker 1: psychological and cognitive and you're going to have more capacity,
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  Speaker 1: more resources to respond to the challenges that you're experiencing,
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  Speaker 1: and they're significant challenges. Let's move away from the exhaustion
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  Speaker 1: and the sleep for a moment and talk about something
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  Speaker 1: that it's going to sound like it's a little bit
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  Speaker 1: off track, but I think it's really important. I'm curious,
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  Speaker 1: when you've got a twelve year old girl, what is
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  Speaker 1: it that ignites delight in her life? I'd be looking
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  Speaker 1: for ways that I could create that in her life.
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  Speaker 1: We've recently and this is a personal anecdote that will
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  Speaker 1: highlight the kind of thing that I'm describing. As you
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  Speaker 1: probably know because you're a podcast listener, we're homeschooling our
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  Speaker 1: two youngest kids, one of them is fourteen, one of
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  Speaker 1: them is ten, and our fourteen year old recently had
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  Speaker 1: the opportunity to go and volunteer at a horse I
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  Speaker 1: guess you'd call a ranch.
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  Speaker 3: I don't know.
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  Speaker 1: I mean, does Australia have ranchers at a facility where
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  Speaker 1: there are hundreds of horses. She's in love with horses,
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  Speaker 1: and because she's homeschooled, she got ahead on her school work.
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  Speaker 1: And then she took a week away from schoolwork and
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  Speaker 1: went and volunteered at this place and she shoveled poo
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  Speaker 1: when she brushed horses, and she saddled them and she
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  Speaker 1: put bridles on them, and she got to go on
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  Speaker 1: some horse rides. What do you call that when you
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  Speaker 1: jump on the horse with a bunch of people. I
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  Speaker 1: can't think of what it is. But she got to
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  Speaker 1: go on some horse ride, things along the tracks in
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  Speaker 1: the mountains and that kind of thing. And for a
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  Speaker 1: week she stayed at my parents on the New South
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  Speaker 1: Wales central coast and they helped her to get to
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  Speaker 1: and from while she had this experience, and it changed her.
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  Speaker 1: She became a different person. She was not in with
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  Speaker 1: her screen. She was going to bed early. She was
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  Speaker 1: waking up at five o'clock, even though she didn't have
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  Speaker 1: to be there until like eight or eight thirty or
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  Speaker 1: something like that. It fundamentally changed her experience of life.
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  Speaker 1: Her social circles have changed. Everything shifted because of what
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  Speaker 1: she's done there. And so my question for you is
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  Speaker 1: what ignites delight in your daughter and can you prioritize that.
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  Speaker 1: Can she be involved in that extracurricular activity two or
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  Speaker 1: three or four days a week. Can she be in
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  Speaker 1: a place where there is social safety two or three
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  Speaker 1: or four days a week. What can we do to
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  Speaker 1: help her to have more experiences of autonomy and competence
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  Speaker 1: and relationship with others. Those kinds of experiences will subdue
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  Speaker 1: anxiety and also help her, I think, especially if they're
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  Speaker 1: physically engaging, help her to sleep better because she's just
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  Speaker 1: going to be exhausted. Last of all, the social anxiety.
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  Speaker 1: I'm going to recommend all the usual stuff, the sort
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  Speaker 1: of things that people talk about, like getting together with friends,
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  Speaker 1: helping her to be in safe places with people that
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  Speaker 1: she gets along well with, developing relationships with people that
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  Speaker 1: she's got an interest in, working with other parents, talking
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  Speaker 1: to the teachers, involving other adults that work with her.
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  Speaker 1: These are the kinds of things that most people would
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  Speaker 1: recommend for this kind of thing. It's a bit of
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  Speaker 1: a tricky one, but that's the direction that I'd definitely
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  Speaker 1: be pointing you towards there. Ultimately, you want to have
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  Speaker 1: a calm household. Tough love isn't going to work. I
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  Speaker 1: think validation of emotions, normalization, you know what A lot
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  Speaker 1: of kids struggle with this. You're not going through anything
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  Speaker 1: particularly unusual. It is kind of calmon. It doesn't mean
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  Speaker 1: it's not challenging, but it is kind of common. Let's
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  Speaker 1: get a predictable routine. Let's work with our mental health
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  Speaker 1: provider to get the support that we need and see
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  Speaker 1: where we go from there. It's a really tough one.
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  Speaker 1: Michelle from Victoria, Thank you so much for the question.
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  Speaker 1: Good luck, hard work in front of you. But I
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  Speaker 1: know that if you stay the course and work through
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  Speaker 1: these processes, they will make a difference for you. Thanks
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: so much for your questions. Next week more of your
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  Speaker 1: Happy Families questions. You can submit your questions by the
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: super simple system at happy families dot com dot you
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: just scroll down to where the podcasts are, press the
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: record button, start talking. It's really that simple, and I
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: love answering your questions. The Happy Family's podcast is produced
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: by Justin Rouland from Bridge Media. The more information about
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: making your family happier is available at happy families dot
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: com dot A. You