Latest / CelinaSpookyBoo / This Has Been Really Hard

Transcript

This Has Been Really Hard · CelinaSpookyBoo

0:08
Speaker 1: It's always weird when I sit down and I know
0:10
Speaker 1: that I'm about to have a hard conversation because you
0:12
Speaker 1: don't really know how to get prepared for it. Sometimes
0:14
Speaker 1: I jot down what I want to talk about to
0:16
Speaker 1: make sure I hit every point and then other times
0:18
Speaker 1: I just feel like talking. And it's weird because sometimes
0:20
Speaker 1: things affect me and sometimes they just like really don't.
0:23
Speaker 1: But the internet has been mainly supportive of the journey
0:27
Speaker 1: that I have been on. That being the surrogacy journey
0:32
Speaker 1: that we have been on. But there has also been
0:35
Speaker 1: some really loud voices, some really loud voices that don't
0:39
Speaker 1: know the story, that don't know the circumstances. And some
0:43
Speaker 1: people do have some valid points. Absolutely. And I'm not
0:47
Speaker 1: here to say that you can't believe what you want.
0:49
Speaker 1: I respect everyone's beliefs, but a lot of the time
0:53
Speaker 1: it's just like a lack of education. And that's what's
0:56
Speaker 1: really hard. And I think the first thing to always
0:59
Speaker 1: remember is I am literally just like you. I somehow
1:03
Speaker 1: signed up for this wacky life of being kind of
1:07
Speaker 1: a public figure where people will always interject their feelings
1:12
Speaker 1: and their thoughts and their beliefs and that's fine. But
1:16
Speaker 1: when people search me out so violently to make sure
1:19
Speaker 1: that I understand what they have to say, kind of
1:22
Speaker 1: blows my mind because I was raised always thinking that
1:25
Speaker 1: anyone's opinion of you other than yourself really doesn't matter.
1:28
Speaker 1: Other than like, you know, the people who are the
1:30
Speaker 1: closest to you, it doesn't matter. But I felt forced
1:34
Speaker 1: to make this video about this surrogacy journey that I
1:38
Speaker 1: am on because of those really loud voices. This journey
1:42
Speaker 1: has been great, but also the hardest thing that I
1:45
Speaker 1: have ever done. And I think it goes all the
1:48
Speaker 1: way back to the beginning. I didn't choose surrogacy for vanity,
1:51
Speaker 1: which some people do. Not many, but some people do. Actually,
1:55
Speaker 1: there probably are many. I don't know that. So I'm
1:56
Speaker 1: not going to speak on things that I don't know.
1:58
Speaker 1: But I didn't choose it out of vanity. And people
2:00
Speaker 1: get really quick on me like, why are you breeding
2:03
Speaker 1: these women like cows? Which is horrible. And I have
2:06
Speaker 1: learned since does happen some places in the world. But
2:11
Speaker 1: I want to take you back nearly 12 years ago.
2:13
Speaker 1: I was a baby. I was literally a baby. I
2:16
Speaker 1: had no business having babies. But I was literally a baby.
2:18
Speaker 1: Adam and I got married extremely young. And... I just
2:23
Speaker 1: wanted to be a mom. I wasn't like other kids.
2:25
Speaker 1: I didn't have dreams and aspirations to be an astronaut
2:29
Speaker 1: or the president. I just wanted to be a mom.
2:32
Speaker 1: I had a really great mom growing up and my
2:35
Speaker 1: mom got sick when I was very young and I
2:39
Speaker 1: had to learn how to be a little bit more
2:41
Speaker 1: grown up before a lot of my peers. And I
2:45
Speaker 1: don't know what about that made me want to be
2:48
Speaker 1: a mom, but I've always been the mom of the
2:50
Speaker 1: group the nurturer, the one who just really wants everyone
2:53
Speaker 1: to be okay. I've just always felt like I was
2:55
Speaker 1: supposed to have this huge family. And I remember getting married.
2:59
Speaker 1: I wanted to get married because I loved Adam, but
3:00
Speaker 1: I didn't care in the way that we did things.
3:03
Speaker 1: It didn't matter. But I just like, if I was
3:04
Speaker 1: going to have babies, I wanted to be married to
3:05
Speaker 1: this man that I loved. And that's the way I
3:07
Speaker 1: wanted to do it. There's a million ways to have
3:09
Speaker 1: a family, but I was a kid and I had
3:11
Speaker 1: blinders on and that is what I wanted. The truth is,
3:14
Speaker 1: which is so strange, the first time we tried, I
3:17
Speaker 1: got pregnant. Like, The first time, okay? Which was weird
3:21
Speaker 1: because I've always had a gut intuition about things. And
3:24
Speaker 1: I was working in a factory at the time. And
3:27
Speaker 1: I don't know, there was a woman who was experiencing infertility.
3:29
Speaker 1: And I had said to her, I just feel like
3:31
Speaker 1: I'm going to deal with the same thing. Which, looking back,
3:34
Speaker 1: if someone said that to me and didn't know, I'd
3:36
Speaker 1: be like, shut up. You know what I mean? But again,
3:39
Speaker 1: I was very young. And I had a miscarriage a
3:43
Speaker 1: couple months in. And it was just... absolutely tragic. And
3:48
Speaker 1: I'll never forget the series of events that unfolded all
3:51
Speaker 1: around that situation. And I relive them a lot. Not
3:55
Speaker 1: as much as I used to, but I still do sometimes.
3:57
Speaker 1: Then I'll remember after that, you know, we kind of
4:00
Speaker 1: took it as a sign. Maybe we should wait a
4:01
Speaker 1: little bit of time. So we wait a few months,
4:04
Speaker 1: but my heart was really broken and I just really
4:06
Speaker 1: wanted to have a family. So we tried and we
4:08
Speaker 1: tried and we tried for over a year. At this point,
4:11
Speaker 1: I'm convinced that the last miscarriage must had done something.
4:15
Speaker 1: And things started to get dark for me. And the
4:17
Speaker 1: other strange thing about the first pregnancy is it triggered
4:19
Speaker 1: an autoimmune disorder called Meniere's disease. So Meniere's disease is
4:24
Speaker 1: a disease of the inner ear. You can have it
4:25
Speaker 1: on each side or you can have it bilaterally, which
4:28
Speaker 1: means you have it in both ears. And it is
4:30
Speaker 1: a vertigo kind of disorder. Guess who had it bilaterally? Me!
4:33
Speaker 1: 2015 was the hardest. So 2014, I had a miscarriage. 2015...
4:42
Speaker 1: My Meniere's disease was in full effect. I spent months
4:45
Speaker 1: off work, in the bathroom, on the floor, feeling like
4:49
Speaker 1: I was flying around the room. Living in a constant
4:53
Speaker 1: state of vertigo, if you've ever experienced it, that's the
4:56
Speaker 1: closest that I've ever been to not wanting to be
4:58
Speaker 1: here anymore. If you've even experienced a little bit of lightheadedness,
5:01
Speaker 1: imagine full vertigo for months without stopping. I disappeared from
5:06
Speaker 1: the world. Everyone started having their families and I couldn't
5:10
Speaker 1: be around any of my friends. Because everything hurt so
5:13
Speaker 1: much when it came to it. I was so sick
5:16
Speaker 1: and debt started piling up violently. And I want to
5:19
Speaker 1: make something very clear to you guys. Because a lot
5:22
Speaker 1: of people speak on my privilege. And I feel so
5:26
Speaker 1: lucky that I am in a privileged place in my
5:29
Speaker 1: life compared to others now. But I also need you
5:33
Speaker 1: to know where I came from. By the time I
5:35
Speaker 1: was 24 years old, I was over $ 150, 000 in debt.
5:37
Speaker 1: That's not including... how much my house was a month.
5:42
Speaker 1: That was just bad mistakes and credit cards and trying
5:47
Speaker 1: to make ends meet. It wasn't long after that that
5:52
Speaker 1: we started going to a fertility clinic. And it was expensive,
5:56
Speaker 1: but the government covered a lot of it. But I
5:59
Speaker 1: remember trying to save up money for certain things that
6:03
Speaker 1: weren't covered, and that was really hard. And we went
6:07
Speaker 1: to this clinic forever. And they said to us, you know,
6:12
Speaker 1: you're so young. This is the way that it used
6:14
Speaker 1: to be. They're like, unless you can pay for IVF yourself,
6:16
Speaker 1: like you go on this waiting list, but no one's
6:17
Speaker 1: going to look at you until you're like in your
6:18
Speaker 1: late thirties. And I was like, whoa. And then eventually
6:21
Speaker 1: they said, you know, we're going to put you on
6:23
Speaker 1: the list. It's probably going to take one year. Call
6:26
Speaker 1: us in six months and we'll let you know where
6:28
Speaker 1: you are on the list for funded IVF. At six months,
6:31
Speaker 1: I called them and they told me I was never
6:33
Speaker 1: on the list. They didn't know who would have told
6:35
Speaker 1: me that. And then they moved me over to another clinic.
6:38
Speaker 1: This clinic was great. We went, we tried all this stuff.
6:41
Speaker 1: I ended up going under operations where I found out
6:43
Speaker 1: that I have a eukorneate uterus. So my uterus goes
6:47
Speaker 1: up and shaped kind of like a unicorn horn, like
6:49
Speaker 1: a banana. I have a non-communicating horn. Only one of
6:52
Speaker 1: my ovaries worked. And the one that did work wasn't
6:56
Speaker 1: the one that was connected. So the first time that
6:58
Speaker 1: I got pregnant, the egg from this somehow had made
7:00
Speaker 1: it all the way over to the other side, which
7:02
Speaker 1: apparently happens. Very interesting. I remember being in the hospital
7:06
Speaker 1: and After that operation. To figure out if I had
7:08
Speaker 1: this or not. I said to Adam. If it is
7:11
Speaker 1: this way. Find a funny way to tell me. And
7:13
Speaker 1: I just didn't want it. I just wanted them to say.
7:16
Speaker 1: Everything's normal. Just keep trying. We'll try something else. And
7:19
Speaker 1: Adam went to the gift shop. And bought a TY
7:23
Speaker 1: Beanie Baby. Unicorn keychain. Because he's such a good soul.
7:28
Speaker 1: And he came in the room. And I was just
7:31
Speaker 1: waking up. And he just pulls up this little unicorn keychain.
7:37
Speaker 1: He's like, yeah. And then I just started crying. It's
7:41
Speaker 1: hard as a woman to know that you're the reason
7:47
Speaker 1: it's not working. And the strange thing is, is when
7:50
Speaker 1: I met Adam, he told me he never wanted kids
7:52
Speaker 1: and it would have been fine. And he always said
7:54
Speaker 1: to me, he's like, I don't care if we have kids.
7:56
Speaker 1: I just want you. Like, I just want you. So
8:01
Speaker 1: We ended up leaving the clinic because I just needed
8:03
Speaker 1: a break. Because at this point, years of my life.
8:05
Speaker 1: And that's why I have a hard time with my
8:07
Speaker 1: age now is knowing that I spent so much of
8:10
Speaker 1: my life or my whole entire every day, all day
8:13
Speaker 1: was full of this. And I remember calculating it up
8:16
Speaker 1: and knowing I'd taken over a thousand pregnancy tests. And
8:18
Speaker 1: I see these videos where people, you know, post their
8:21
Speaker 1: pregnancy test reveals month after month of them not getting it.
8:24
Speaker 1: And they're all so sad. And then in the fourth
8:26
Speaker 1: month they get it and they're so happy. Which I'm not,
8:28
Speaker 1: I'm not valid, unvalidant. Not validating how you feel. But
8:32
Speaker 1: I did that for 10 years. I don't... It was...
8:38
Speaker 1: It was just hard. So we stopped. Just let it be.
8:40
Speaker 1: And out of nowhere, got pregnant again. And a couple
8:46
Speaker 1: months later, everything ended again. Because of how my uterus
8:50
Speaker 1: is shaped, it's dangerous. And what the scariest part was,
8:54
Speaker 1: I joined this group for people who had my abnormality.
8:58
Speaker 1: And I made a friend on there. And she got
9:01
Speaker 1: pregnant when I did the second time. I lost mine.
9:04
Speaker 1: She didn't. And her uterus ended up rupturing in her
9:07
Speaker 1: sleep and she passed away. Her and her baby. And
9:10
Speaker 1: that was really hard too. And in that moment, I
9:12
Speaker 1: was kind of like, wow, this is really dangerous. Some
9:15
Speaker 1: people with eukaryotic uteruses go on to have so many kids.
9:18
Speaker 1: They never even know. Or they don't know until they're caring.
9:20
Speaker 1: And it's because we have different size uteruses. Stuff like that. Uteri? No.
9:25
Speaker 1: A lot of people have been really angry about the
9:28
Speaker 1: surrogacy thing. They think it's my first option, the first
9:30
Speaker 1: thing I chose to do. We looked into adoption. We
9:33
Speaker 1: talked to someone who worked in the social work community
9:36
Speaker 1: because we had exotic pets. It was a no because
9:38
Speaker 1: we didn't have children. It was an even closer to
9:40
Speaker 1: be no. And we looked into adoption overseas, got hooked
9:45
Speaker 1: up with this amazing agency who then said both of
9:49
Speaker 1: our BMIs were too high. Can you imagine not being
9:52
Speaker 1: able to give a child a good home because you're
9:54
Speaker 1: too fat? And being told that you can't give a
9:57
Speaker 1: child a home because you're too fat and, you're 175
10:00
Speaker 1: pounds so then somebody were like oh you could have
10:03
Speaker 1: just lost weight so you could adopt i wasn't built
10:06
Speaker 1: that way i was in such a hole at this
10:08
Speaker 1: point not alone not only that but when you look
10:10
Speaker 1: into adoption and all of this stuff is they really
10:12
Speaker 1: go into your background and we were really in debt
10:14
Speaker 1: like and people are like oh well you shouldn't have
10:16
Speaker 1: a baby if you're so in debt Don't think we
10:19
Speaker 1: didn't think about that, but at the same time, everybody
10:21
Speaker 1: else does. But when you're a public figure, people scrutinize
10:25
Speaker 1: you violently. And it's crazy. And no, I'm not in
10:29
Speaker 1: debt like that anymore. But I also dug out of
10:33
Speaker 1: a hole so violently. After the second miscarriage, Adam got
10:37
Speaker 1: a brain injury, which a lot of you guys know about.
10:40
Speaker 1: And that is when the year of silence happened. Our
10:43
Speaker 1: house for an entire year was no lights, no sound.
10:47
Speaker 1: And we couldn't really talk to each other. And we
10:49
Speaker 1: were super in debt. And I was to the point
10:51
Speaker 1: where I was like opening the vacuum cleaner from vacuuming
10:54
Speaker 1: the car and going through the dirt trying to find
10:57
Speaker 1: change so I could buy us bread. Like it wasn't easy.
11:01
Speaker 1: And I had crazy vertigo and we'd lost another baby
11:04
Speaker 1: and he was so sick and things were really hard.
11:07
Speaker 1: A little bit before that I had started a candle company.
11:11
Speaker 1: Started getting out of the hole a little bit. And
11:13
Speaker 1: then Adam got sick and he couldn't really help anymore.
11:16
Speaker 1: And I closed it down and sold it off. And
11:18
Speaker 1: I didn't know if he was going to come back
11:19
Speaker 1: to me. But I just didn't see a family happening
11:23
Speaker 1: for us. I just didn't. And then TikTok happened. 2020
11:27
Speaker 1: rolled around and it had been like two years of
11:29
Speaker 1: silence and trying to get him better and not knowing
11:31
Speaker 1: what to do with our lives and just spiraling. And
11:35
Speaker 1: then the pandemic hit and everybody was stuck inside. And
11:40
Speaker 1: I got on the internet and I saw people making videos.
11:44
Speaker 1: And I was like, you know what? This is nice.
11:46
Speaker 1: I feel like I can find my people here. And
11:48
Speaker 1: I started making videos and I started connecting with you guys.
11:52
Speaker 1: And then brands wanted to work with me. And slowly
11:56
Speaker 1: and slowly and inch by inch and penny by penny,
11:59
Speaker 1: I worked on getting us out of this hole. And
12:01
Speaker 1: then I started a business and I started selling makeup
12:04
Speaker 1: and I started selling merch and I started making this content.
12:07
Speaker 1: And I worked from 6am to 11pm going live and
12:12
Speaker 1: shooting videos and posting on YouTube. And doing everything because
12:16
Speaker 1: I was like, this I like. This is filling the hole.
12:20
Speaker 1: Because in my own way, I had made my own family.
12:24
Speaker 1: Strangers from around the world made me feel ways that
12:26
Speaker 1: I hadn't felt in a really long time. And it
12:28
Speaker 1: was the strangers in my world that were rooting me
12:31
Speaker 1: on and believing in me. And when I told my story,
12:34
Speaker 1: were listening. And it was amazing. We got out of
12:38
Speaker 1: the hole we were in. I worked, again, from 6am
12:42
Speaker 1: to like midnight. Every single day for three years before
12:48
Speaker 1: I let myself breathe and I let myself rest and
12:52
Speaker 1: I let myself even think about having a family because
12:55
Speaker 1: I knew I wasn't going to be able to do
12:56
Speaker 1: it on my own. I'm just trying to dot all
12:58
Speaker 1: my I's and cross all my T's here because people
13:00
Speaker 1: are going to ask certain questions. So now you're not
13:02
Speaker 1: in debt. Why don't you adopt? Why don't you foster? Again,
13:05
Speaker 1: we had the exotic birds that I didn't want to
13:07
Speaker 1: give up. I promised them a life of good life.
13:10
Speaker 1: Why don't you foster? I had a best friend who
13:12
Speaker 1: I met on social media. And her aunt had a
13:16
Speaker 1: daughter that she was fostering, foster to adopt when her
13:20
Speaker 1: mom came back in her life and they took her away.
13:22
Speaker 1: And I get that that's what happens, but I don't
13:24
Speaker 1: have the heart to handle that. And my thought has
13:26
Speaker 1: always been, maybe if I have one of my own,
13:28
Speaker 1: then I can handle it better. I don't know. I
13:30
Speaker 1: don't know. That's just, I'm human. And that's, that's how
13:32
Speaker 1: I feel. Okay. I got Googling and I linked up
13:37
Speaker 1: with a surrogacy agency in Canada called CFC. I want
13:41
Speaker 1: to tell you about surrogacy in Canada because the comment
13:43
Speaker 1: that I'm breeding someone like a farm animal is such
13:47
Speaker 1: a disturbing, horrible, gross feeling to me. CFC is a
13:53
Speaker 1: surrogate-led agency. These are amazing women who have put themselves
13:58
Speaker 1: out there because they want to help people have families.
14:01
Speaker 1: In Canada, you don't get paid to be a surrogate.
14:04
Speaker 1: And I feel like that needs to be a big
14:06
Speaker 1: red title. Like, you don't get paid to be a
14:09
Speaker 1: surrogate in Canada. And that's why a lot of people
14:12
Speaker 1: come to Canada for it. These are women who have
14:14
Speaker 1: had their own families who want to do this. They
14:18
Speaker 1: want to make someone else's dream of having a family
14:21
Speaker 1: come together, which is beautiful. And they take you, they
14:25
Speaker 1: take your profile, and they take it to these women.
14:28
Speaker 1: And if someone wants to have a baby for you,
14:31
Speaker 1: then they're going to step forward. And that's how we
14:33
Speaker 1: met Jessie. Say, we have someone and we want you
14:36
Speaker 1: to meet her. And I met her and we clicked.
14:40
Speaker 1: and she had done this many times before, and she
14:43
Speaker 1: loved giving people the gift of family. Like, we talk
14:46
Speaker 1: about it now, she can't wait for the moment that
14:47
Speaker 1: she hands me our son. But surrogacy is also really hard,
14:52
Speaker 1: because for me, it was admitting, I feel like defeat
14:57
Speaker 1: is the wrong word, but giving up control, knowing that
15:00
Speaker 1: my body isn't going to operate the way that it should.
15:03
Speaker 1: Going through IVF was weird. It was weird to give
15:07
Speaker 1: myself so many injections and Have my ovaries swell up
15:11
Speaker 1: to this point that I looked like eight months pregnant.
15:14
Speaker 1: I looked like I was about to have a baby.
15:15
Speaker 1: And then go in and Dr. LeBrock at, I forget it.
15:21
Speaker 1: If we remember, it's up here. Is amazing. And he
15:25
Speaker 1: was so kind to me. And put me out and
15:28
Speaker 1: took my eggs out and fertilized them. And then waiting
15:31
Speaker 1: for those calls to hear how those eggs did was crazy.
15:33
Speaker 1: And then all the testing getting done and going through
15:36
Speaker 1: all these lawyers. It's not this intimate thing. It's crazy
15:41
Speaker 1: when people talk about making a baby and how beautiful
15:43
Speaker 1: and romantic it can be. And it's like Adam went
15:45
Speaker 1: in a closet and I went into a different room.
15:47
Speaker 1: And they mixed stuff together and we hoped for the best.
15:50
Speaker 1: And it was such a weird feeling. And I say
15:53
Speaker 1: it to this day and I joke around a lot
15:55
Speaker 1: about it. And I say that. I feel like Adam
15:57
Speaker 1: and I are both dads. Like, and this is how
15:59
Speaker 1: I keep humor about it. Okay. Cause I deal with
16:01
Speaker 1: things with humor, but it's like, we met this chick
16:04
Speaker 1: a couple of times. We knocked her up. And I
16:08
Speaker 1: feel like when this baby comes out, we're going to
16:10
Speaker 1: high five, like a trio high five. Adam and I
16:13
Speaker 1: are going to high five like dads. We're going to
16:15
Speaker 1: high five Jesse. And it's been great because things have
16:18
Speaker 1: gone well. There was a couple of little scary moments
16:19
Speaker 1: at the beginning, but it's also been hard knowing that
16:22
Speaker 1: he's not in my body. And it's hard wondering if
16:25
Speaker 1: we won't connect. And I know there's so many hormones
16:30
Speaker 1: that are released at birth that would have helped me connect.
16:34
Speaker 1: And I'm not going to be able to breastfeed. So
16:36
Speaker 1: all of these different things, they play a part. But
16:39
Speaker 1: at the end of the day, it feels like none
16:41
Speaker 1: of it matters because he's going to be here. And
16:44
Speaker 1: I keep hearing, seeing all these TikToks where it's like
16:47
Speaker 1: a moment that felt like hosers yell. You're going to
16:50
Speaker 1: tear me apart. Hosers? hosers yell you guys really get
16:55
Speaker 1: me for that but I keep picturing him being born
17:00
Speaker 1: and just it still doesn't feel real and we're eight
17:03
Speaker 1: weeks away which is crazy but there's so many moments
17:05
Speaker 1: that don't feel real and we love him so much
17:08
Speaker 1: but I have these moments where I'm just like existing
17:11
Speaker 1: and then I'm like he's gonna he's coming but at
17:13
Speaker 1: the same time and in the same breath people get
17:16
Speaker 1: very frustrated because I'm not posting a lot of content
17:18
Speaker 1: about it and I'm not doing nursery tours and I'm
17:21
Speaker 1: not doing all this stuff and it's because i feel
17:24
Speaker 1: like i'm gonna jinx it if i talk about it
17:27
Speaker 1: and every time i order it anything for them it
17:30
Speaker 1: feels like bad luck and like um just always feels
17:33
Speaker 1: like something's gonna happen because always something always has happened
17:36
Speaker 1: like i'm sure new parents are gonna be able to
17:39
Speaker 1: tell me this but do you not like how do
17:40
Speaker 1: they stay alive like how am i gonna walk away
17:42
Speaker 1: from my scraper and all these different things you just
17:44
Speaker 1: don't think of because we were so in it last
17:47
Speaker 1: year getting all this all set we were so just
17:49
Speaker 1: in it And now that it's finally happening and we're
17:51
Speaker 1: setting up all these things, it's like, it's crazy. Because
17:55
Speaker 1: it's been more than a decade. But yeah, people have
17:59
Speaker 1: really been at me about buying a surrogate. You don't,
18:03
Speaker 1: there's nothing. Paid for a lawyer, do reimbursements, that's how
18:07
Speaker 1: it works. But you don't get paid a wage to
18:11
Speaker 1: be a surrogate here in Canada. And people really like
18:16
Speaker 1: to assume how much money I make. And it literally
18:20
Speaker 1: blows my mind. I support a lot of people. And
18:24
Speaker 1: I don't go on the internet and post all of
18:27
Speaker 1: the good things that I do for people. But I
18:31
Speaker 1: employ people. I help a lot of people. I help
18:35
Speaker 1: a lot of animals. Sorry, I'm literally thinking of a
18:37
Speaker 1: story of this dog. I'll tell you quick. I saw
18:42
Speaker 1: this post going around Facebook about this dog. I love dogs.
18:44
Speaker 1: I saw this post going around Facebook about this dog.
18:46
Speaker 1: And he was so skinny. And it was because he
18:49
Speaker 1: had an intestinal blockage. And they didn't have the money.
18:52
Speaker 1: And they were trying to just go fund me to
18:54
Speaker 1: get money for this dog to help him. And it
18:58
Speaker 1: wasn't going anywhere. And I didn't want to give them
19:00
Speaker 1: money because I didn't know if it was a scam.
19:01
Speaker 1: So I had to go to their vet. I asked
19:04
Speaker 1: who the vet was. And I drove two hours to
19:08
Speaker 1: the vet. And I put down like $ 7, 000 to save
19:11
Speaker 1: this dog. And he died in surgery. Both tried. My
19:19
Speaker 1: inbox is everywhere. Like, when you're an influencer, the truth
19:22
Speaker 1: is your inbox everywhere is full of people asking for help. So,
19:26
Speaker 1: it's hard to choose people. But I keep everything local
19:29
Speaker 1: to me. And... We pay rent for people. We help
19:34
Speaker 1: a lot of different single moms. We... have bought cars
19:38
Speaker 1: for people for accessibility. We hire people who are having
19:42
Speaker 1: a hard time getting jobs. We do a lot, but
19:44
Speaker 1: I don't yell it from the rooftops. I'm not going
19:46
Speaker 1: to give you the list of things that we do,
19:48
Speaker 1: but I made sure and I made a promise because
19:51
Speaker 1: when we were going through a really hard time, someone
19:52
Speaker 1: helped us. Adam's parents helped us. And I promised that
19:56
Speaker 1: if I ever had enough, I would help other people
19:57
Speaker 1: because there's no worse feeling in the world than feeling
20:01
Speaker 1: stranded in a situation. And I don't want anyone to
20:04
Speaker 1: ever feel like that. And I can't help the whole world,
20:08
Speaker 1: but I can help Some people, especially people that mean
20:11
Speaker 1: a lot to me. When I eat, they eat. I'm
20:13
Speaker 1: looking at my notes because I knew I was going
20:15
Speaker 1: to cry and I was going to miss stuff. Strangers
20:17
Speaker 1: not understanding. Yeah. So I'm going to quickly, real quick
20:21
Speaker 1: bullet point, go over how surrogacy and IVF went. Okay. Mine.
20:25
Speaker 1: This is my situation. There's traditional surrogacy. There's non, there's
20:29
Speaker 1: all this different stuff. But for me, it is my egg,
20:33
Speaker 1: Adam's sperm, put them together, genetically our baby. Jess is
20:37
Speaker 1: an amazing surrogate. She gets all prepped, lay down, egg
20:40
Speaker 1: in body. Hope it sticks. It's stuck. So genetically, our
20:45
Speaker 1: baby is in a different person. I've had a really
20:47
Speaker 1: hard time. A lot of times in public, people hear
20:49
Speaker 1: about me having a baby. They assume I'm pregnant. The
20:53
Speaker 1: amount of strangers that I've tried to touch my stomach.
20:57
Speaker 1: I feel like maybe it would be different if I
20:59
Speaker 1: haven't had so many losses in my life. But, and
21:03
Speaker 1: not be fat. Maybe if I wasn't fat. Yeah. But
21:06
Speaker 1: it's really hard when people who don't understand the situation.
21:08
Speaker 1: But I forgive them. They just don't know. You know
21:10
Speaker 1: what I mean? But it's just, it's kind of hard
21:12
Speaker 1: when someone's like, and you're like, no, this isn't it.
21:16
Speaker 1: The other thing that I want to touch on is
21:18
Speaker 1: that me doing the surrogacy journey is making it easier
21:24
Speaker 1: for people to do it in third world countries where
21:26
Speaker 1: they pay women and do breed them like cattle. I
21:30
Speaker 1: hate saying it that way. And that is tragic. And
21:34
Speaker 1: the truth is, I didn't know. That that was going on.
21:37
Speaker 1: I didn't know that was a thing. Sorry for my
21:40
Speaker 1: ignorance in the situation. But I didn't know that they
21:43
Speaker 1: did that in third world countries. I didn't know how
21:45
Speaker 1: it worked. I just knew how it worked in Canada.
21:47
Speaker 1: I didn't educate myself more on it. I'm sorry. Would
21:50
Speaker 1: I still do it again knowing that? I'm in Canada.
21:55
Speaker 1: So I don't feel like me doing this influences that
22:00
Speaker 1: as much. I'm sure it does in a way. Because...
22:04
Speaker 1: Every action causes reaction. Everything is a ripple. And if
22:09
Speaker 1: anyone out there has gone and went to a third
22:12
Speaker 1: world country to do this, I apologize. I am so
22:15
Speaker 1: sorry if mine affected that, but I wasn't educated to start.
22:19
Speaker 1: I hate that that happens. And the gross thing is,
22:22
Speaker 1: is that horrible things are happening around the world all
22:24
Speaker 1: the time, but I can't control that. I live in
22:27
Speaker 1: a bit of a bubble, but I put myself in
22:29
Speaker 1: a I look back at the fact that I started
22:35
Speaker 1: this surrogacy journey and I can't believe how strong I
22:38
Speaker 1: was because of how many times I have given up
22:40
Speaker 1: on this journey. Two years ago, I decided I'm just
22:44
Speaker 1: not doing this. I am just not meant to be
22:46
Speaker 1: a mother. I am not meant to be a mother.
22:49
Speaker 1: Maybe it will happen another way, but I'm never going
22:50
Speaker 1: to have children that are mine. It's just not going
22:53
Speaker 1: to happen. And then it happened. I'm staring at my
22:57
Speaker 1: dream board. I made this two and a half years ago.
23:01
Speaker 1: I want to show you a picture on it. I
23:03
Speaker 1: keep it on my desk. It has a picture of
23:05
Speaker 1: my house. It says paid off. It has a picture
23:07
Speaker 1: of me. It says so creative, so confident, no anxiety.
23:12
Speaker 1: It has a picture of Adam. And it just says
23:14
Speaker 1: healthy and happy. It has a check for $ 100 million.
23:18
Speaker 1: We know that's not happening. And then it has a
23:20
Speaker 1: picture of me. Well, you know what? I'll just show
23:21
Speaker 1: you the whole thing. Anyways, I just popped this off
23:23
Speaker 1: of it. This was on my board. Oh, wait. I
23:27
Speaker 1: can't show you my house. I'm going to cover my hand.
23:28
Speaker 1: I don't want you to see my house. You can't
23:30
Speaker 1: find it. But I have my house paid off. Had
23:32
Speaker 1: an AI version of me all healthy saying, healthy, healthy,
23:35
Speaker 1: low blood pressure, no diabetes. You are so healthy. And
23:38
Speaker 1: then Adam saying healthy. Selena with no anxiety. Because two
23:41
Speaker 1: and a half years ago, it was me on the Ozempic.
23:43
Speaker 1: Terrible thing. I actually have diabetes. I know as if
23:47
Speaker 1: it works for some, it almost me. Okay, that's my
23:49
Speaker 1: own story. But he has, I feel like it's bad luck.
23:51
Speaker 1: I need to put him back on the board. The
23:52
Speaker 1: way that we went about having this baby is very
23:54
Speaker 1: different from other people. But the fact we even had
23:56
Speaker 1: a chance is amazing. And truth, we wouldn't have been
23:59
Speaker 1: able to do this without you guys. And I mean that.
24:01
Speaker 1: Watching these YouTube videos, buying stuff that I put out
24:04
Speaker 1: in the world. I have something cool coming out soon
24:05
Speaker 1: though that I made and I worked hard on. Watching
24:08
Speaker 1: my videos. Honestly, just watch my videos. You don't need
24:10
Speaker 1: to buy anything. Just watching my videos made it so
24:14
Speaker 1: we could afford the lawyers. make the connections that we have.
24:17
Speaker 1: And I just want to thank you for that because
24:19
Speaker 1: this baby feels like a collaborative thing from all of us.
24:23
Speaker 1: It feels like a bit of a gift from you
24:24
Speaker 1: guys to us. Like we never, this never happened, but
24:27
Speaker 1: it also feels like everything lined up perfectly because I
24:29
Speaker 1: was a weird kid in high school and I didn't
24:31
Speaker 1: really have friends and I was super strange. And I
24:34
Speaker 1: got to meet an army of people that were just
24:36
Speaker 1: like me. And we have gone through this whole thing together.
24:40
Speaker 1: You guys have been with me mostly since 2020. You
24:42
Speaker 1: have watched me In the hardest point of my life.
24:47
Speaker 1: To the best. I just want to get a bit healthier.
24:49
Speaker 1: But other than that. I'm really happy. But I'm scared
24:54
Speaker 1: to be happy. Because I'm afraid being happy will make
24:56
Speaker 1: it all go away. So there's that. But I love
25:01
Speaker 1: you guys. And thank you.