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The Long-Lasting Effects of Guilt as a Parent · RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Today's episode is produced by my friends at WalkWest.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: If you're looking to grow your brand and generate leads through podcast or video production, head over to walkwest.com.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, let's start the show.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: From emotional intelligence through cognitive distortions, certified life and wellness coach Comedy Wood is on a mission to help people see the magnificence of their own unique human spirit.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Through these small bites of self-visualization and self-confidence, you can have healthy relationships, success in business and career, and live the life you want to live.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: Hi there and welcome to another episode of Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: Whether it's morning, afternoon, or evening, I just want to take a second to say thank you for taking some time out of your day to spend with me.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_01: And today we're going to be talking all about mom and dad guilt and how that relates to perfectionism.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_01: So for those of you who don't know, I am the mom of five.
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  SPEAKER_01: My oldest is a professional ballerina.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_01: I also have a collegiate athlete as my my oldest son.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_01: And then I have a 17-year-old, a 14-year-old, and a nine and a half-year-old at the time of this recording.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_01: Three girls and two boys.
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  SPEAKER_01: So mom guilt is something that I've definitely dealt with.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_01: And for those of you who've been following me, you also know that I have um I used to call myself a recovering perfectionist.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_01: Definitely still have that perfectionist uh personality and tendencies that I have to work on keeping, you know, um not leaning too far into.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_01: Uh the truth is perfectionism can, there is a type of healthy perfectionism, and we can use it as a strength.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_01: But when we lean too far into some of those strengths, sometimes they do become weaknesses.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_01: So for those of you who are parents, and this is for moms and dads, you know, asking yourself if you constantly worry about if you're doing things right, or you might feel like you're a bad parent if you allow your kids more screen time than maybe what their peers are doing, or maybe what you've you've heard other parents are allowing, or maybe you're beating yourself up because you don't think that you're feeding them enough vegetables or healthy foods, or maybe you're feeling like you're not a good parent because your teenager won't talk to you.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, they don't really share a lot with you.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: Um, or you know, maybe you as a parent, you have your own ambitions and your own uh desires to move forward in your professional career, and that's starting to eat away at you of thinking, well, I'm not spending enough time with my kids, and I but I still also really want to move forward in my career.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_01: And and the truth is we can't get away from some of those feelings.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: And and when I'm talking about conscious parenting with individuals, it's really about paying attention to what's coming up for you and really doing that work for yourself because what happens is when we have those insecurities or we have those limiting beliefs of I'm not doing this right, those are really self-doubt.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_01: That's our own our own story and our own narrative of thinking we're not good enough.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_01: And what happens is we start taking that into the parent role, and we're we actually start um we we act and we perform and we show up in a way that's coming from that disempowered narrative of I'm not good enough.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_01: So when we talk about mom and dad guilt, what we're really talking about is feeling bad about oneself.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_01: It's feeling like we're doing something wrong.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: And guilt involves that very fact that we feel like we were bad and and we made a bad choice and we may have hurt somebody, and therefore we have to we have to apologize for it.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: But when we're talking about mom and dad guilt, sometimes we have to be really careful because that can actually start bordering on shame.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_01: And shame is more that there's something wrong with me.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_01: So if we allow mom and dad guilt to get the better of us, what we're really doing is leaning now from this place of I've done something wrong into there's something wrong with me.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: And when we get to that place and we're shaming ourselves, what we're really starting to do is we're eating away at our own self-esteem and can lead to anxiety, it can lead to depression, it can lead to other issues such as, you know, maybe using alcohol as a numbing force or any other drugs.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_01: Um, sometimes it leads people into eating disorders and other just ish ways of trying to numb out or to control those feelings of shame.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: When, you know, a lot of times we hear mom guilt, so not very often do we hear dad guilt, but I will say that the clients that I work with who are fathers absolutely have their own version of this, and so it's really important to bring both of those things to the forefront because when we're a parent, there's so much of us that wants to do it, quote unquote, right.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_01: And we have to remember that, first of all, we're doing the best we can at any given time, right?
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_01: And it's also about paying attention to doing our own work.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_01: So, and and sometimes with guilt, I will say this, sometimes with guilt, we have to utilize this idea of radical acceptance.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_01: There are gonna be moments where maybe you do have to take a meeting at work, and and you and there's gonna be those twinges of like, but I really feel like I should be with my my son or my daughter, and or you know, and it's just recognizing that radical acceptance says I can allow that feeling of guilt to be here and also do this thing that's really meaningful, and then when I'm done, I will give myself permission to go spend time with my child.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_01: And it's about giving yourself self-compassion as you go through this.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: When that inner critic comes up or that judgment comes up, it's slowing down, coming back to the present moment and recognizing that you are really doing the best you can.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_01: It's leaning into kindness over judgment.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_01: Instead of criticizing yourself, get curious with what's coming up.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_01: So if the inner critic is saying things like, you know, you really should be with your child instead of, you know, maybe going and playing tennis, for instance, it's it's slow down and say, Well, the tennis is actually as an example.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: I'm going to play tennis because this actually is it's it's meaningful for me because it allows me to connect with maybe friends, it allows me to um lean into my value of a healthy lifestyle, and when I finish this, I'm gonna be feeling much better just in general, in terms of having leaned into my values, and I will show up in a more complete way with my child when I get home.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_01: And then I'm going to set an intention of spending, you know, XYZ doing uh spending time with my child doing XYZ.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_01: It's also recognizing that being a parent isn't your only, it's a role, but it's not the only thing that makes you you.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: So often we get caught up in these roles that we play that we start to take our identity on as those things.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_01: You are your own being on your own, and then mom or dad is how is a role that you play.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_01: It's and so it's important to make sure that what you're doing is you are finding a way that you can balance what you're needing as an individual human in addition to showing up for your children.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: Because again, conscious parenting says if I take care of my needs and I take care of where I might have to do my work for myself, then when I show up with my children, I'm coming from a more complete place and I'm no, I'm not projecting things onto them.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: So, for example, if you have a need to take a few minutes to yourself just to decompress from a long day, not doing that might actually lead you to show up in a very disempowered way, and then that could come out in frustration with your child, and that, you know, and maybe harsh words are said, and of course people can't unhear the words that they've that they've heard.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: But instead, if you just take a few minutes to give yourself permission to decompress for those five to ten minutes, even though maybe there's a moment of guilt and you notice, oh wow, there's the guilt.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_01: So we name it and notice it, and it's and then we come back to the present moment.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_01: What I'm needing right now is five to ten minutes of decompression time.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_01: When I do that, I can then interact with my child in a more uh engaged way.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_01: So it's really important when we're dealing with things like this because perfectionism, for instance, will lead us into I've got to do this right, and and you know, I'm home now and I've gotta it the right thing to do is to show up and have a conversation with my child when what we're really needing is a couple minutes of decompression.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_01: And so it's really important to just give yourself those moments uh for yourself and making sure that your needs are being met so that you can show up for your children from a more complete and whole place.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_01: And I absolutely stand by this idea that self-compassion, leaning into kindness over judgment is so important when we are noticing the guilt come up because as parents, this is one that comes up routinely.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_01: It's important to recognize that this is not something you push away and make it go away, much like anxiety.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_01: You know, a lot of people will say, I just want the anxiety to go away.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_01: It it is about allowing space for it, but also not getting hooked by it.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: And it's important to get support if you need that.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_01: So if you want to talk to me about this or anything else, definitely feel free to book a time at chatwithcomedy.com.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_01: And until next time, stay well.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening to Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: For more information, book a chat with comedy at www.chatwithcomedy.com or visit her website at www.comedywood.com.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: You can also find comedy on Facebook or Instagram.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: Username it's authentic me.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.