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Life Is Waiting For The Version Of You Today · The Spiritual Shitshow Podcast

• 0:00
  Hello, and welcome back to the Spiritual Shit Show.
• 0:02
  I'm Julie Nguyen, and I am so honored to be your ultimate spiritual hype girl, sharing my stories with the intention of inspiring you to be more of yourself, to be more in your gifts, to be more in your magic.
• 0:15
  I've been thinking a lot this week about how exhausting it is to perform, and I used to love to perform on stage, but honestly, that would stress me out too, because I wanted to be good.
• 0:27
  I wanted to be seen.
• 0:29
  I wanted recognition And I catch myself performing in life, needing or desiring to perform like I have it all together, to perform like I'm not scared, to perform in a way that kind of shows people that I know exactly what I'm doing.
• 0:53
  But if I'm really honest, I don't really know what I'm doing because I truly believe that we are always learning.
• 1:00
  And I'm also recognizing that I care a lot about what other people think about me.
• 1:06
  I care if people think I'm smart or credible, or if people think that I'm too weird or too much, and that's fascinating to me because at the exact same time, I also deeply believe that my greatest gift is being myself.
• 1:21
  So how do two things exist together?
• 1:26
  How do I desperately want to be seen, also scared of being seen, while simultaneously wanting to hide?
• 1:34
  And I think that's the dance, and maybe that's the dance for all of us.
• 1:39
  "Do you?
• 1:40
  Do you really wanna be seen?
• 1:41
  Because being seen means people also have to see your mistakes." That feels terrifying in my body when I say it.
• 1:50
  People have to be able to see your mistakes.
• 1:53
  Being seen means people are going to misunderstand you.
• 1:58
  Being seen means you have to put yourself out there.
• 2:01
  Being seen means you're gonna have to listen to other people's opinions, critiques, and ideas.
• 2:07
  Being seen means someone thinks you're brilliant and someone else thinks you're absolutely unhinged and cringeworthy.
• 2:14
  Being seen means you are stepping into leadership and teaching, and somebody else thinks that you're not a great teacher, and you will never be their teacher.
• 2:27
  Absolutely not.
• 2:29
  I had somebody tell me that recently.
• 2:32
  So here's what I'm realizing.
• 2:35
  I wanna be free.
• 2:37
  I wanna be free enough to be myself, whether 10 people are watching or 10 million.
• 2:44
  There's a version of me that still believes I have to earn visibility, that I have to become more polished before I'm allowed to take up space, that I have to lose 10 pounds or have a huge production behind me, that I have to get another certification, that I have to write a book or read another book, or that I can say it better or I can say it wiser, or I can say it, you know.
• 3:13
  This list is never going to end I keep moving the finish line, and maybe you do too.
• 3:23
  Maybe you've convinced yourself that once you finally become that version of yourself, then you'll start the business or you'll be ready for the promotion or you'll leave the relationship or you'll create art or you'll post that video But what if life has been waiting for the current version of you this entire time?
• 3:45
  I'm gonna say that one more time.
• 3:46
  What if life has been waiting for this version of you, this version of me, this version of us the entire time, and all we have to do is literally jump into it I think about little kids a lot because have you ever watched a little four-year-old dance?
• 4:04
  They don't care.
• 4:06
  It's like music and movement just takes over.
• 4:11
  They're not wondering if they look stupid.
• 4:13
  They're not thinking,"Was I too much?
• 4:15
  Did I embarrass myself?
• 4:16
  What are people gonna think about me?" They just dance, and somewhere along the way, someone teaches us to watch ourselves.
• 4:24
  There's a part of me that, oh my gosh, I would love to be back in my 20s again because ignorance was bliss.
• 4:29
  social media.
• 4:30
  I didn't h- I wasn't flooded with fear of the ideas of other people.
• 4:34
  I just did.
• 4:35
  I followed my instinct, and I created things.
• 4:39
  Some of the things I created were huge disasters, and some of them were really freaking cool, but I wasn't monitoring myself, and I wasn't shrinking myself.
• 4:51
  I wasn't self-conscious about myself.
• 4:54
  And now, at the beautiful age of 47, ignorance isn't bliss.
• 5:04
  I don't have the ignorance is bliss because I have the wisdom, and that's the cool tricky part is that I have to accept where I am, which is in a deep- deeply wise, well-lived part in my life, and curious about, well, what does this look like to follow my instincts, to follow my creativity without this huge motherfucking fear of what it's gonna look like.
• 5:33
  How are people judging me?
• 5:36
  And then I shrink Remembering is undoing that.
• 5:44
  Deep breaths around that.
• 5:46
  Remembering takes courage.
• 5:49
  Remembering takes allowance for you to be who you are.
• 5:54
  Remembering what it felt like before we became our own audience or before the critic became really, really loud This is what I know for sure, because every time I do the spiritual work, the guides are never shaming, are never blaming, are never pointing fingers.
• 6:22
  I know that my guides and myself is never being like,"Julie, that was embarrassing." It's just me.
• 6:27
  It's my ego or the critic that tells me I should have known better.
• 6:33
  But Spirit has never withheld love because I overshared or did something unhinged, or I talked too much, or I said the wrong thing, or I took a chance on a creative thing, idea.
• 6:51
  Fear, fear, fear.
• 6:52
  My God, I'm realizing how much fear I have, and I also am realizing that that's the inner critic and that part of me, this fear-based part of what is, you know, what's my family gonna say?
• 7:07
  What are people gonna say?
• 7:08
  What are people who knew me, what are they gonna say?
• 7:11
  Like, And I've been letting that part of me run the show of my life for way too long, and maybe that's why I feel stuck for fucking 10 years.
• 7:23
  What does this really feel like if I live my life the way I did before, which is I'd have a creative, inspired, uh, notion and I would act upon it.
• 7:34
  I would create the goofy dance move.
• 7:37
  I was always allowing myself to live big, think big, have a dream, wear the funky unconventional outfit, have the crazy hair I'll post pictures of myself.
• 7:51
  I always was a little trendy and a little, yeah, different.
• 7:55
  And looking back, when I was really myself, I also felt out of place.
• 8:01
  I remember being in somebody's wedding, and I had short hair, and my style back then was, uh, the Pussycat Dolls.
• 8:09
  I wanted to look like, um, the Pussycat Doll that always had, like, the really funky hair, and I was funky with, like, um, like, big hoop earrings and, uh, baggy So it was like hip hop meets Pussycat Dolls.
• 8:25
  But I remember being in this wedding and looking at all the other girls, like, get all dolled up and have their hair in a little French twist, and I could not.
• 8:34
  I could barely get my hair like that.
• 8:37
  And I remember feeling I am not like the other girls.
• 8:43
  Interesting.
• 8:47
  So then I think when I was in this rebuilding stage I was trying to conform so I could look like everybody else, so I could feel like everybody else and the pendulum swings.
• 9:00
  Now I'm coming back, oh my gosh the magic is me.
• 9:05
  Like, how do you wanna be, Julie, and Can you love yourself for being that?
• 9:13
  I'm not trying to become perfect.
• 9:15
  What I am trying to become is more authentic, more present, more fun, more joyful, more creative.
• 9:23
  Did I say that?
• 9:24
  I'm trying to become someone who trusts herself, and trust doesn't come from getting everything right.
• 9:30
  Trust comes from knowing that when you get it wrong, you won't leave yourself.
• 9:36
  I never talked bad about myself in my 20s when I had an idea and I brought it to the stage and it flopped.
• 9:45
  Maybe I was a little embarrassed, but it didn't stop me from at least trying, and that's the difference.
• 9:52
  It's not confidence, it's trust.
• 9:55
  I trust that if I say the wrong thing, I'm gonna survive.
• 9:57
  I trust that if someone misunderstands me, it's gonna be fine.
• 10:00
  I trust that if somebody doesn't like me, it's okay.
• 10:04
  I trust that if spirit tells me to knock on another car door of a pseudo-celebrity...
• 10:12
  Fuck.
• 10:13
  Well, we'll evaluate that situation when we get there.
• 10:16
  But growth, progress, authenticity I don't know.
• 10:25
  What if your biggest dream isn't asking you to become more impressive or more polished or more like everything else you see on social media?
• 10:34
  What if it's asking you to become more honest?
• 10:38
  Literally every time I show up and I remind myself and I encourage myself to show up in my truth and how I am, and even when I am massaging these parts of me and saying it's okay to want to be big, to be seen, to do all of these things, I become more attuned to what it feels like to be in your power when you are in alignment with your authentic self.
• 11:12
  Not trying to be what society is telling you to be, but what is this, to be in your power, to be in your light, to be in your magic?
• 11:23
  And that's the invitation I want to leave you with.
• 11:26
  Where are you performing?
• 11:28
  Where are you editing yourself before anyone else gets a chance to meet you?
• 11:34
  When are you shrinking because you don't want people to see your full self?
• 11:38
  And where are you trying to earn love instead of receive love and just to allow yourself to be in full bloom of who you are?
• 11:48
  The magic is you.
• 11:49
  The magic is me Just for today, can we allow ourselves to be seen?
• 11:57
  And seen in not the perfected version, not the healed version, not the version that's you see everybody else becoming on social media.
• 12:08
  Just you.
• 12:11
  Because I have a feeling that the version people are actually waiting to meet is the version that you are right now So here's the embodied practice.
• 12:25
  Close your eyes if you can and place one hand on your heart, one hand on your belly.
• 12:30
  Take a deep breath and picture yourself at eight years old For me, it's four.
• 12:40
  All right.
• 12:40
  Imagine yourself at any age, little, but the ages before you were monitored, before you felt shame, before you learned how to shrink yourself And then I want you to ask this version of yourself, what do you wanna do?
• 13:04
  What do you wanna be?
• 13:06
  What do you want to experience?
• 13:10
  What's important to you?
• 13:18
  and embody more of that I think you owe it to that version of yourself to embrace That magic, that joy And as I say that, that practice feels like a beautiful practice on how to also forgive yourself, you know?
• 13:46
  And offer yourself permission for more freedom to...
• 13:51
  dot, dot, dot, whatever that smaller version inside wants.
• 13:56
  I have always desired love and to be loved and to feel safe and to be creative, so can I do more of that today?
• 14:05
  That's just me talking to myself.
• 14:08
  All right.
• 14:10
  Thanks for listening.
• 14:13
  Thanks for being part of this journey with me.
• 14:16
  And I get really excited about the idea that when of us hold these parts of ourselves that we've suppressed, or when out of shame and guilt or heartache, and more of us dance in the light of who we are, well, shit, I wanna be dancing in that world.
• 14:38
  So thank you for the motivation.
• 14:39
  Thanks for the inspiration.
• 14:42
  And thanks for holding space so I can practice that for myself too And may we remember that the version that life wants to shine a light on is the version that we are right now