Latest / Chatting with The Experts with Paula Okonneh / The Cons Of Being A Strong Woman

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The Cons Of Being A Strong Woman · Chatting with The Experts with Paula Okonneh

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  Hello and welcome to Chatting With Experts where I speak with
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  fantastic women from Africa, from the Caribbean, and in the diaspora.
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  They share my message and my mission, which is to educate, empower,
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  and encourage women globally.
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  Our show today is titled
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  When Strength Turns Against You.
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  My guest says, "When strength turns against you and you are
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  exploring the hidden costs of always being the strong one."
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  She'll share why, as a 20-year breast cancer survivor and certified naturopath,
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  chronic stress can often hide behind capability,
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  resilience, and responsibility.
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  She is a transformational wellness expert, speaker, certified naturopath that I just
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  mentioned, and a 20-year breast cancer survivor, and she helps individuals and
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  organizations understand the powerful connection between chronic stress, the
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  nervous system, and long-term health.
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  With that, I want to welcome Tracye Robinson to Chatting With the Experts
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  Hello, Paula
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  Hi.
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  Tracye, wow.
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  You said something that jumped out at me, strength turning against you,
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  and that you're exploring or you explore the hidden cost of being, the
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  strong one, and I can relate to that.
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  Yes.
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  When you, when one seems like, "Oh my gosh, you're the one who's always there
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  for people," people can neglect you.
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  People think that you-
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  Yes
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  … have it all together.
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  Woo, let's talk about that invisible burden.
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  Absolutely.
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  It's amazing because we as strong women, we take on these
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  roles, and they're good roles.
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  We are executives, entrepreneurs, mothers, daughters, and it adds up.
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  And then we have everything associated with it that we have to be accountable
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  for, and then we have all these people that are then relying on us for every
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  role that we've taken on, and then we find ourselves saying, "Well, what about me?"
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  Mm-hmm.
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  What about me?
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  So it seems like there's a story behind this, Tracye.
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  There's a little story.
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  Mm-hmm.
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  Yep.
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  So the heaviest invisible burden
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  Invisible.
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  Hmm.
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  How is it invisible?
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  Because nobody can see it, we wake up, we show up, we look good, we appear
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  to be fine, but then there could be something underlying with our health
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  with the way we feel inside that we're ignoring, but we have to keep going
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  because we have to do what we have to do for those that are counting on us
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  And that doesn't necessarily mean just family.
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  It could be in business, right?
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  All of
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  it.
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  All of it.
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  So as a certified naturopath, how do you help people?
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  I help women over 40 primarily that want to look at their health differently.
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  they've tried the prescriptions and the procedures and the treatments
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  and whatnot, but they've not looked at addressing the root cause of
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  why what's happening is happening.
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  So I'm able to help women by allowing them to see and explore
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  what their bodies are telling them.
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  So, wow.
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  I noticed that, we talked before this.
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  Mm-hmm.
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  And, is there a way to figure out, okay, how chronic stress is
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  showing up long before a diagnosis.
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  I mean, are there signs?
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  Are there things that we should look out for?
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  What are those signs, if there are any?
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  There are definitely signs, Paula.
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  Mm. So just going back 20 years ago-
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  … and using myself as an example, I was a successful real estate broker
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  doing everything for everyone, mother, wife, lots of responsibilities.
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  Looked great to everyone.
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  Mm
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  … on the outside.
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  On the inside for me, I was struggling.
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  I had symptoms like migraine headaches and tension headaches and trouble
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  sleeping, anxiety, digestive issues.
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  everything there is stress related.
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  Everything there is your body saying, ma'am, we need you to slow down.
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  We need you to pay attention to us.
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  We need you to listen." But I didn't listen.
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  So I kept pushing through.
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  I kept pushing through.
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  I was that strong one that was continuing to show up for everybody
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  'cause I didn't want to let anybody down, until the day came that I
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  knew I couldn't overlook it anymore.
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  I started having more pain and more issues.
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  So that day came that I had to go to the doctor, and then it led
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  to many doctor visits and tests.
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  Mm. And, uh, for my time that I went in and just knew something
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  wasn't right and felt it, that was when I got my cancer diagnosis.
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  And that was the pivotal moment in my life where I realized that,
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  okay, it took all of this for me to stop me in my tracks, you know?
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  I didn't have a choice because I had to have treatment, I had to have
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  surgery, I had to have all these things, but it was that it took that
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  much for me to get to a place where I said, "I guess I need to take care
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  of me." And so the story goes on.
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  Wow.
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  Okay.
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  So I know you're a transformational wellness expert, so if I came to
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  you and I was experiencing what you experienced, what would you tell me to do?
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  Would you tell me, "Stop in my tracks"?
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  Would you tell me, "All right. Take some deep breaths"?
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  Would you tell me…
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  What would you tell me, Tracye?
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  First, Paula, I want to let everyone know, including you, that I'm not a,
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  a medical provider or practitioner-
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  Mm-hmm
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  … and nothing I say is considered to be medical advice, and always consult
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  your doctor when you have something.
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  But when I am as a consultant and an advisor to my clients, I would
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  help you understand that yes, we gotta first breathe, of course.
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  Mm-hmm.
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  But then I want you to know, Paula, that there's something that you've been doing
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  or not doing that made this happen.
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  And like me, you may have known your symptoms.
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  You may have known certain things were happening, or you may have just been
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  totally unaware because sometimes we can get so busy and we can normalize
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  so many things that we forget that, oh yeah, I did have this blaring
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  headache, or, oh yeah, I did have pain in my side, or whatever it is.
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  So I would let you know, Paula, that today should be the pivotal point for you to
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  realize that you've gotta start listening to your body, 'cause it's always talking.
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  Listen to your body
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  Listen to your body.
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  All right
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  So now is there a practical way now, let's talk about our nervous system.
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  Is there a practical way- Yeah … to regulate our nervous system?
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  Because that's another thing.
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  We can listen to our body, but then we have to know-
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  What do we do, right?
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  Yes.
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  Absolutely.
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  So for our busy lives, there's a stress hormone called cortisol, and cortisol is
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  the one that we want to try to minimize.
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  And it's usually rising when we feel that tension, when we feel
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  that anxiety, when we feel pressed and, you know, like we have so much
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  going on and we're going, going.
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  So those are the times that we want to pay attention.
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  And throughout the day, I recommend micro resets, and micro resets are when
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  you intentionally take a few minutes, this is all it takes, to go within.
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  And you can do this in a several different ways.
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  I'll mention a couple.
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  You can decide that you're gonna go for a walk.
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  You're gonna step away from your situation.
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  If it's a nice day outside, that's the best, 'cause the sunlight, you
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  know, there's all controversy about sun, but the sun is rejuvenating.
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  The sun is, will lift your spirits.
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  The sun will calm you, all kinds of things.
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  So you can take a walk and breathe and think about good things.
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  Think about what makes you happy, and settle into that, and then come back,
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  and you'll find that you feel better.
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  It's a moment of really being able to step away.
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  Even a drink of water, stopping your project, stepping away from your desk
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  or wherever you are, and drinking some water, and feeling that water go
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  through your body, through your cells, and knowing how healing it is for
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  you, and breathing with that as well.
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  These micro resets, as you do them, you're gonna feel better and different
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  in the moments, and you can do it as much as you need to, and it changes things.
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  I know when I do enough of them, when I'm done for my day, I used to feel really
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  tired, and it's like, "Okay, I gotta go for round two, all my evening stuff."
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  But with the micro resets, you will find that your evenings, you feel more at ease.
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  You feel like you have more energy.
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  So it's a powerful way to bring that stress down, to calm the nervous
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  system, and to let your body know, "I respect you, and I hear you, and
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  I feel you," and that's good stuff.
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  Loving that already.
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  Loving that already.
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  Mm. What about setting boundaries?
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  Because sometimes in the evening, especially as women, we feel,
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  okay, you know, you switched off from your professional life and
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  now we are in our personal life, whether as mothers, partners, wives,
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  mm-hmm … whatever it may be.
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  Boundaries
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  Yeah.
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  We all need them.
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  Kind
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  of- not all of us have them, but we all need them because we all have
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  those people in our lives that, uh, don't understand that we're just human.
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  So, when you make a decision that there's something that you don't want
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  to tolerate anymore or let's say you've etched out some time for yourself, let's
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  say you said, "Okay, when I get home for an hour, I'm gonna have me time."
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  Mm-hmm.
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  And then you get that phone call, right?
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  And it's like, oh, you gotta be able to hold that boundary.
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  That's a boundary.
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  If that person is reaching out to you, if it's not a dire emergency,
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  you can ignore the call, right?
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  'Cause they'll be okay for an hour, or you can let them know,
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  I'm focusing on some other things, and I'll get back with you later."
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  So many of us don't, we feel that we have to attend to the needs always
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  whenever someone we care about says, "I need you." But what we don't realize
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  is when we don't enforce a boundary or prioritize ourselves, 'cause that's what
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  boundaries are all about, when we don't enforce it, we're hurting ourselves
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  because we're not giving ourselves what we need to be able to continue on to
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  give what we want to give to others.
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  So it's like filling your cup back up or emptying your
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  cup-… depending on who you ask.
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  There's two analogies around that.
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  But- Yes, you can't help others when your cup is all empty or running over.
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  Okay.
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  I haven't heard that one.
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  I always have heard you can't, well, you know, you can't pour out of an empty cup.
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  Right.
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  But now I'm hearing you say but if your cup is running over, you can't
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  pour out of that too because it's- Right … it's overflowing, right?
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  Yep.
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  It's, it's the same concept, but people can phrase it differently, to make
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  it sound like, okay, so is the empty cup good or is the full cup good?
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  Or which one is it?
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  So, it's just all about knowing that when your body is talking and you need
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  replenishment, you should honor it.
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  So that you have room to do other things because everything happens
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  when we start sacrificing our own health for everybody else.
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  Then we get to a place where we're not good for them either
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  because now we're sick, right?
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  Now we had something happen.
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  yeah
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  So learning to say no, ladies, or later.
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  Later is a word too, right?
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  Later is definitely a word.
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  More letters, but- So…
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  Yep.
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  Not now
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  That's another one.
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  I'll pass.
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  Mm-hmm.
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  All those, yeah.
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  All those, yeah.
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  Yeah.
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  May not sound as definite as a no.
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  Right.
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  But it achieves
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  the same- It's a little softer, but…
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  Yeah.
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  You graduate.
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  You graduate.
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  Mm-hmm.
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  Mm-hmm.
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  Yes.
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  Yeah.
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  Another thing I thought of too is, sometimes women too, you know, we
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  talk about how men seem to be able to, especially when it comes to work or
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  careers, you know, men seem to… I don't want to use the word boundaries
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  again, but they seem to be… it seems as though it's easier for them to-
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  Yes
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  … to, know how… That they're not gonna sacrifice their ambition or, you know,
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  when they're taking care of themselves.
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  We struggle a bit more with that.
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  I think that comes into play with just what you talked about, when your
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  strength is turning against you, when you're the strong woman after all,
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  Have you noticed that in your practice?
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  Yes.
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  Yes.
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  As far as men go, I think we're emotional thinkers, and we're emotional processors
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  as women, and men are logical thinkers.
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  So that there is the difference between feeling in my heart that I
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  have to take care of this, because they don't really feel in their heart.
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  They feel as if, does this make sense or does this not make sense, right?
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  But I do feel like men are on the outside looking better than we are, but on the
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  inside suffering as much as we are.
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  But they process differently.
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  You know, we live longer than they do.
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  True.
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  Yes.
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  And they're internal for the most part with processing.
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  They don't want, you know, they have the ego and the pride.
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  They don't want you to think they can't do this and do that, and we will cry.
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  We will release our emotions.
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  So I think, yeah, I think that, uh- men struggle as much as
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  women do, but in a different way.
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  You'll never know it until maybe you don't want to know it 'cause something
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  happened or something like that.
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  So yeah.
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  My thoughts, because I have a lot of clients that say, "My husband, he
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  just, he doesn't understand, you know, why I cry so much or why I say this
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  or I need this, and he's just like, 'You just need to tough it out.'" It's
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  like, no, that's not the way to do it.
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  We need to be able to release our emotions.
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  We need to be able to talk through and work through things, and that's
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  really good for the nervous system.
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  Holding things in
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  is a recipe for other things that we don't want to see happen.
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  So
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  What I'm hearing from you too is that there's a connection between our health,
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  long-term health, negative long-term health, and, chronic stress and our
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  nervous system are all interrelated.
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  There is.
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  Yes, they are.
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  This stress word is so big because I think that many of us have been conditioned,
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  Paula, to have something happen, you know, whatever our health issue is, high blood
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  pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes.
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  Whatever we're dealing with, we go in and we find out what we have, and
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  then we take whatever it is we're supposed to take for it, and then we
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  have the temporary feeling better.
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  But we haven't really looked at the underlying reason as to why, and many
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  people don't know that stress is a major cause of all of our chronic illnesses.
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  Stress alone can cause all the things we're dealing with, that
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  we're being prescribed X, Y, Z for.
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  And not saying it's the only thing, but I'm saying that I think it's
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  not talked about enough that we have to calm our systems down.
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  We have to take care of our internal selves, and we'll find when we do
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  that, some of the health concerns shift
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  And we don't have to look at it as just, "This happened to me. I have to
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  take this for the rest of my life," or whatever it is that they tell
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  us, because there are other answers.
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  And again, I'm not a practitioner.
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  I'm basing this on what I know, my education, my experience
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  Minimizing stress can improve your health and can give you longevity in your life.
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  That's not a claim, it's a statement from me who's experiencing it.
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  I think we'll end on that note because I think it's a powerful note to end on.
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  Minimizing stress-
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  Yes
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  … can improve your life
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  And that comes from you because you know from a fact, you've lived it.
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  Absolutely Mm-hmm Absolutely
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  And you've seen the difference when you decided otherwise
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  Yes
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  You don't have to live it
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  Yes
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  Make a difference by-
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  Absolutely
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  … minimizing and gradually removing.
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  I mean, we can't totally remove stress
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  Right
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  But minimizing it
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  Being aware and then doing something to bring it down
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  ' Cause it's gonna always be a constant because we live and we have things
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  that happen, and there are things out of our control that happen
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  Mm-hmm
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  But being in a place where you can recognize it and do what you need to do
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  for your body to get yourself back in that mode of less stress, that's the ticket.
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  But it is quite the dance, and I call it a dance because none of us
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  go through this life without having stressful events, and it's all about
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  how we process them and how we respond.
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  So for someone who's looking at this later on who is not part of the audience
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  today, and if they'd like to get in touch with you, how can they do that?
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  The best way to get in touch with me is through my website, I would say.
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  everything is there, and divinelotusgroup.com is my
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  website, and it's D-I-V-I-N-E lotus, L-O-T-U-S, group.com.
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  And, you can contact me there.
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  You can find out more about what I stand for and what I do,
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  and, I am available and here.
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  Thank you so much.
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  And for those of you who are listening to this on Spotify or Apple Podcast
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  or who are viewing this on my YouTube channel, if you'd like to be a guest
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  just like Tracye has been on Chatting With The Experts, I'll ask for you
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  to reach out to me on my website, which is Chatting With The Experts.
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  I'm also on LinkedIn.
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  My business page there is Chatting With The Experts.
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  Or you can reach out to me on my profile there, Paula Okonneh.
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  I'm also on Instagram.
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  My handle there is @chat_experts_podcast,
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  and I am on YouTube, as I just mentioned.
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  Um, just look for Chatting With The Experts, where you'll listen.
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  You can view this episode there and all the other episodes with phenomenal
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  women just like Tracye, where they share their expertise, and there you
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  can be encouraged, empowered, and, oh my gosh, I'm always so blown over by-
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  what I learn from them.
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  And now we will open up the floor to all who joined us so that they
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  can ask her, that is Tracye, the questions that I forgot to ask.
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  Thank you, Tracye.
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  Thank you.
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  You've been such a phenomenal guest.
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  Thank you.
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  Thank you.