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230. How To Manage Libido Discrepancy And Differences In Sexual Desire · The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

0:00
Amy: You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.
0:07
Amy: We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life.
0:16
Amy: Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun.
0:24
Amy: The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.
1:06
Nick: The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship and are just a high-desire spouse.
1:27
Nick: The good news is there are things you can do to find that balance.
1:39
Nick: It might not be perfect, but it can get better.
1:43
Nick: Amy and I are one of these couples where I'm a very high-desire spouse and she is a very low-desire spouse, but we still make it work.
1:55
Amy: We do make it work.
1:56
Amy: It's probably more often than I would choose, but we have found a healthy balance and needs are being met.
2:06
Amy: This has taken a lot of time.
2:08
Amy: We're not perfectionists at this.
2:09
Amy: It's taken us 20 years to find 15, 10.
2:16
Nick: You're winking at me.
2:17
Nick: What's the?
2:17
Amy: winking.
2:18
Amy: I'm like, can I say something?
2:20
Nick: No, I'm like you have something in your eye.
2:21
Nick: I was like wait what's going on.
2:23
Amy: I do have something in my eye.
2:24
Amy: I actually was not winking at you.
2:25
Nick: I thought you were flirting with me on the podcast.
2:27
Nick: I was like this doesn't happen.
2:29
Nick: What's going on?
2:30
Nick: She's like flirting with me.
2:31
Nick: Do we pause here?
2:32
Nick: Oh see, I don't even flirt with him.
2:34
Amy: Apparently, I still have stuff to work on.
2:37
Amy: I'm not trying to sound happy right now, because I read all these poll answers and I want to start crying right now.
2:44
Amy: I literally want to start crying for these people.
2:48
Amy: It's devastating.
2:50
Amy: It's devastating.
2:53
Nick: But what we're hearing is this is what's typical in most relationships.
2:57
Amy: Except for these.
2:57
Amy: People are heartbroken.
3:00
Amy: I feel for them.
3:01
Amy: Do you know what I mean?
3:02
Nick: Yeah.
3:03
Amy: There's no balance here.
3:05
Nick: I totally agree and that's exactly what I was just going to say that in your hearing.
3:09
Nick: These results that in most relationships, the low-desire spouse is dictating when and if sex happens.
3:19
Amy: Well, that's common sense though.
3:21
Nick: I know, but that's.
3:23
Amy: Actually, I feel like it's opposite.
3:25
Amy: I've said this before I'm like no, you're dictating when it happens, because you're the one with the drive.
3:28
Amy: That's like I want to have sex.
3:30
Nick: So aren't you dictating it?
3:31
Nick: I don't know.
3:33
Nick: I feel like we have a pretty good balance.
3:37
Nick: I know You're saying that I dictate it, but it's usually the higher drive spouse that's dictating when they want to have it right, but if you hear the results and the answers from what we're getting, it's the lower-desire spouse which is saying, oh, she never wants to have sex.
3:51
Nick: Therefore we never have sex period For sure.
3:54
Amy: Wow, yeah, I guess that's how you look at it.
3:57
Nick: Yeah, that's just the way it is for most couples, as you'll hear, or him.
3:59
Nick: The bottom line is we get into these.
4:02
Nick: You're going to hear.
4:03
Nick: There's a lot of people masturbating.
4:04
Nick: There's a lot of people praying very hard.
4:08
Amy: There's a lot of people crying.
4:11
Nick: And we're not making light of this at all.
4:12
Nick: No, like seriously, like they're.
4:14
Amy: I want to cry.
4:16
Nick: Yeah, we are being very serious that this is heartbreaking because it is such an important aspect of marriage and you know we always it is for at least one of the people, yeah Right.
4:30
Nick: Absolutely, absolutely.
4:32
Amy: It is for one of the people and the other person's not realizing that it's really important for the one person.
4:37
Amy: Even if it's not for both of you, I don't know, we're going to get into it.
4:42
Nick: Yeah, and it's just like we've talked about before, like if it's important to your spouse, it should be important to you.
4:47
Nick: You can't just neglect something your spouse needs because you don't need it.
4:52
Nick: And sex is no different, right, Like now.
4:54
Nick: We're not again.
4:55
Nick: We say this all the time.
4:56
Nick: We're not just saying that you have to give in and have sex every time.
4:59
Nick: You have to find a balance.
5:01
Nick: But if your spouse is a high-desire spouse and that's how they feel loved and appreciated and needed and that's their love language, like, imagine, imagine your love language and your love language never being met.
5:14
Nick: Imagine how you'd feel, or how you do feel, if that love language is not being met.
5:19
Nick: You don't feel loved, you don't feel appreciated.
5:21
Amy: That's, that's the point we're trying to get at with this, and so we're not talking in this episode about high drive husbands and low drive wives.
5:31
Amy: We're talking about high drive spouses because we took a poll to see, because we always say our audience is a certain percentage, but we wanted to redo it because it's been a few months and our audience changes, so we wanted to find out how high the husbands or the wives, or equal.
5:49
Amy: Anyways, we took a poll about it.
5:50
Amy: So I just wanted to say, like we're trying to make this very much, there are women suffering too that have that high drive there are but it.
5:58
Nick: What is it like 65% or the men about?
6:02
Amy: Yeah, yeah, it's definitely definitely higher.
6:04
Amy: So yeah, but it doesn't matter, though it really what matters is that one spouse wants it is is feeling very rejected and that hurts.
6:13
Amy: That hurts badly, right.
6:14
Nick: Yeah, exactly, regardless of whether you're the husband or the wife, it doesn't matter what you are.
6:18
Amy: It doesn't matter, so let's just jump into this.
6:20
Amy: It says when it comes to your libido difference in marriage, how would you rate yours?
6:25
Amy: 12% said the wife's sex drive is high and the husband's is low.
6:30
Amy: So 12% this was a pretty big poll.
6:34
Amy: People love answering when we are talking about sexual intimacy the husband's sex drive is high and the wife's is low was 65%.
6:43
Amy: 9% said that we are actually pretty balanced.
6:49
Amy: Now that is a lucky marriage.
6:51
Amy: 9% admitted they actually have the same sex drive.
6:56
Amy: That you don't hear that much.
6:59
Nick: That's why it's 9%.
7:00
Amy: So if you're in the 9% that marked that you can just turn this off right now because you're awesome, Just kidding.
7:05
Nick: And I'll bet you, I'll bet you.
7:07
Nick: I'm just guessing, but if you were to ask those 9% how their marriage is, I would bet the most of them are saying we have a really good marriage Because imagine not having arguments, or not only arguments, but, as we talk about, all the time not feeling rejected.
7:27
Nick: Just contention, yeah not feeling rejected Like your needs are both getting met.
7:32
Amy: But the point of this podcast is that you don't have to be balanced to be in that 9% and be happy.
7:37
Amy: You can be us and have a high and a low and still find balance and still be happy, right.
7:43
Nick: Correct.
7:44
Amy: And then the last 14% depends on the day, week, etc.
7:48
Amy: Our sex drives vary and I thought that was a good answer.
7:52
Amy: I was glad I threw that out because, you know, sometimes the husband's higher, sometimes maybe he's stressed out and he's lower.
7:57
Amy: Sometimes maybe the woman is craving, craving it more, like that just means that they're kind of off and on.
8:04
Amy: So, anyways, that just kind of gives an estimate of yeah, usually the husbands are much higher drive.
8:11
Amy: There is a chunk of women that have that drive, and then there's a little chunk that have both the same, which is awesome.
8:18
Amy: So everyone's different.
8:19
Amy: Every marriage is different, which is why we love to take these right.
8:22
Amy: So do you want to jump in to answers, or yeah?
8:28
Nick: let's read some of the answers and just get people feel for how people are filling out there.
8:33
Amy: Okay, so I just said we typically have different sexual desires and libidos in our marriages, which can be hard to find a healthy balance in your marriage.
8:41
Amy: What is one thing you do to manage this libido difference?
8:45
Amy: This is where I wanted to cry.
8:49
Amy: We read these right before we turn this on, just to see what we were going to be talking about.
8:55
Nick: How do you manage this?
8:57
Amy: Oh, okay, I don't know if I should read all the sad ones.
9:02
Nick: I mean, I just read.
9:02
Nick: Just read 10 or so, we got a ton.
9:04
Amy: We got a ton of responses.
9:05
Amy: I'm not going to read a lot, but there's good ones and there's sad ones.
9:11
Amy: Find ways to connect emotionally.
9:13
Amy: I'm not as the higher drive spouse.
9:15
Amy: I just really try to adjust to what my spouse needs.
9:17
Amy: I pray to God to help me lower my libido and sometimes understand my wife's love language better.
9:24
Amy: I take care of myself.
9:27
Amy: We got a lot of that.
9:28
Amy: You know how we feel about that.
9:30
Amy: If you go back to some of our episodes.
9:32
Amy: I'm not saying that that's not okay.
9:34
Amy: If you choose to do that in your marriage, I feel like there is times that that could.
9:40
Amy: I feel like it could hurt your marriage if you get used to that.
9:43
Amy: However you feel about that, everyone's got their own personal beliefs on that.
9:48
Nick: Yeah, we're certainly here not to tell you what to do.
9:51
Amy: No, no, not at all.
9:52
Amy: We just need to talk about it.
9:55
Amy: We schedule it.
9:57
Amy: We only do it when she finally gives in.
10:00
Amy: Do most of the housework and make all the meals makes very little difference.
10:07
Amy: We just seem to manage.
10:08
Amy: We schedule time to connect.
10:10
Amy: My husband takes vitamins to get his drive up.
10:14
Amy: We heard some of that begging, crying, suffering, lots of those comments.
10:21
Amy: I have to be patient with my wife's little abeado.
10:26
Amy: Be very careful to send the message that sex is needed and you're just that's when you're closest.
10:32
Amy: I'm trying to understand what that one's saying.
10:35
Amy: I think what she's trying to say is don't say that sex is just like a physical need Sex.
10:40
Amy: I think that as a husband, if you express that, this is how emotionally I feel loved.
10:45
Amy: I think that helps.
10:45
Amy: You know sometime yeah, it's in the situation is maybe what she's trying to say.
10:49
Amy: Allowing myself to get in the mood, which means positive mindset.
10:54
Amy: She's saying I communicate when I really just want to snuggle and when I'm wanting to be intimate Planned nights for sex ahead of time.
11:02
Amy: I think for me this is from a lady.
11:07
Amy: I think for me I found out that I might never be in the mood, but I could get warmed up to it.
11:12
Nick: And that's exactly how I'm going to answer that.
11:13
Amy: That's one of my favorite comments because I might never naturally be like oh, I want it, I'm craving it.
11:19
Amy: I have this really high, strong drive.
11:21
Amy: That doesn't happen for me, but I know if I have a positive mindset, like oh Nick's like in the mood, if I'm okay with it, then I know that I can get warmed up to it, enjoy it and that's kind of, I think, the fix that we found right.
11:36
Amy: We just both try to understand what each other needs, not pressure.
11:41
Amy: Don't put on pressure, but just talk about it when I'm disappointed or feel like we're not having it enough.
11:47
Amy: Let's see, I'm just going to skip some of these.
11:54
Amy: There's a ton of answers, but communication about desire and be intentional when you are needing something or wanting something, and I think that goes both ways.
12:01
Amy: I think that goes when it comes to physical needs and emotional needs, like it always comes down to comfort.
12:06
Amy: Oh, and then I'm just going to add on this one Lots of trying to compromise and understanding on both sides when you have totally opposite drives.
12:15
Amy: It really is about compromising and really discussing why Right.
12:21
Nick: Yeah, for sure Like.
12:22
Amy: Nick will kind of maybe like I'm in the mood I know it's only been a couple of days, but I'm just like I just emotionally want to connect with you so bad Like I think that it's the way you approach it too sometimes.
12:31
Nick: Yeah, and I don't know how all of you felt, phil, but for us in our marriage, like, there's also nothing wrong with like having how do I say this?
12:44
Nick: Having like something sometimes be transactional too.
12:47
Nick: Like, hey, babe, I really want to make love to you.
12:51
Nick: What can I do to make your day better and just really serve you and what can I do for you?
12:57
Amy: I know, so many people like hear that and they're like what that sounds, so like you're trying to win sex over If your marriage is in a good place, like emotionally, like absolutely that's okay.
13:12
Nick: Well and again, I've said this a million times but so everything in life is transactional, Like even your marriage.
13:21
Nick: You go into marriage and say, well, I'm going into this marriage because I know I'm going to get this out of this marriage or this relationship, like that's why couples go into marriage.
13:32
Nick: Think of your wedding vows I promise to do this, this and this.
13:36
Nick: You promise each other things, you make each other promises and commitments, and everything we do in life is some sort of transaction.
13:44
Nick: I don't understand why to say, hey, babe, I really want to make love to you.
13:50
Nick: What can I do to make your day better or easier or take things off your plate?
13:54
Amy: Or get you in the mood.
13:55
Nick: Or get you in the mood Like what is wrong with that, and then you could say you know what?
13:59
Nick: Yeah, I really could use some help with this, or I really could have you do this, or whatever.
14:06
Amy: I would get in the mood if you did this or if you touched me here, if you were willing to do this, like I like that you said when we first went into marriage it actually was transactional, because anyone who thinks like, oh my gosh, I can't believe you said that.
14:18
Amy: When I went into marriage, I thought, okay, I'm going to get a partner for life, I'm going to get a best friend that cares about me and loves me, who's going to be by my side through hard times, right, I mean, that's what we're all kind of going for, right?
14:32
Nick: Yeah, what am I gonna do?
14:33
Amy: I'm going to get someone that wants to have a family with me.
14:35
Amy: I'm going to get someone that is-.
14:38
Amy: Loves me Is going to help financially support me, support and I can help financially support him.
14:45
Amy: However, that works in your marriage.
14:46
Amy: I absolutely signed up to commit marriage to you because I knew you were gonna give me certain things and you knew I was gonna give you certain things, right.
14:57
Nick: Yeah, it's like.
14:58
Nick: I mean it's a win-win, right.
15:00
Amy: It's supposed to be a win-win.
15:02
Nick: You both bring value to the relationship.
15:05
Nick: For sure or you should both bring value to the relationship.
15:09
Nick: It is like a partnership we, we both, are gonna do certain things and bring value and asset to the relationship.
15:16
Nick: And so again I just it.
15:18
Nick: Really, when people say, oh, you can't have transactional stuff like that, that's ridiculous, like why not?
15:24
Nick: And I'm, and obviously it's not healthy to have that every single time, right, that's you know well, it depends on what the transactions look like.
15:31
Amy: Probably right.
15:34
Nick: Yeah, like Amy, amy, I remember before Christmas she said hey, I Really love the Christmas lights up today.
15:41
Nick: If you do, it's gonna be a really good night for you.
15:43
Nick: And I said done, and those Christmas lights were done right, like for sure.
15:47
Nick: So how in the world could that be a bad thing?
15:51
Nick: Right, she gets what she wants, I get what I want.
15:53
Nick: We both get what we want.
15:55
Amy: It's bad when it's like that all the time I'm gonna go.
15:57
Amy: Okay, this is where it gets.
15:58
Amy: Toxic is when you're like I'm only gonna have sex with you if you do this, this, this and this.
16:03
Amy: That's that's not okay.
16:04
Amy: We're talking about making transactions fun.
16:09
Amy: Making them work when your marriage is already at a healthy emotional state, like you already feel left, you already feel respected and now you're taking it to a more of a playful.
16:19
Amy: I don't really have a drive, but hey, if you'd give me a full body massage massage I think I can get my mindset there, which is what we do all the time.
16:27
Nick: Yeah exactly right, that's a transaction we're talking about doing loving.
16:31
Amy: I think we just need to change the word from transactional to loving.
16:35
Amy: Playful transactions, right when it comes to being intimate.
16:38
Nick: Yeah, exactly, but that's.
16:40
Nick: But that's one of the ways.
16:41
Nick: So Amy's a load as our spouse.
16:42
Nick: So I'll say, hey, let me give you a 30 or 45 minute massage.
16:46
Nick: And or 10 or a 10 minute, depending on how my hand.
16:50
Amy: Tired, my hands are, and usually 10.
16:54
Nick: Yeah, and so again, I mean, I know we're talking a lot about this, but it's okay, it's okay, it's okay.
17:03
Nick: So Again, Amy's a very low-desire spouse.
17:07
Nick: I'm a very high-desire spouse.
17:09
Nick: What are some of the other things we do in our relationship to make it work?
17:13
Amy: Scheduling it.
17:14
Nick: Scheduling.
17:15
Amy: I'm glad you said that there was actually quite a few comments about scheduling it Sometime, and we're not talking about writing.
17:22
Amy: I've never written it on my calendar with ink and be like Thursday night we make love, but in my mind weekends we have teenagers and they're out late.
17:30
Amy: So naked movie night stuff isn't going to happen at midnight.
17:34
Amy: We're not staying up till 2 AM.
17:35
Amy: We're too old for that now.
17:37
Amy: But now Sunday nights we know our kids are going to bed early because they have school the next morning and it still kind of feels like a weekend.
17:44
Amy: So I feel like Sunday nights work really nice for us.
17:47
Amy: We're like we could be intimate.
17:48
Amy: Tonight We've had all day to connect.
17:50
Amy: We've been with each other more on a non-working kind of day Go to church, spend time with the family.
17:58
Amy: We feel more connected.
17:59
Amy: And then the kids go to bed that night earlier and so that's a great night for us.
18:04
Amy: That could be romantic.
18:05
Amy: So that seems to happen a little more often.
18:07
Nick: Yeah, exactly.
18:09
Amy: Or a lot of the times during the week.
18:12
Amy: Nick will be like, hey, do you think we could be intimate after date night or something, Because it's been a few days and I can tell he's kind of feeling it.
18:19
Amy: I can just tell.
18:22
Nick: And most of the women are like I can tell.
18:23
Nick: How can you tell?
18:24
Amy: They just kind of step up that romance level just a little bit, hopefully.
18:28
Amy: Hopefully they're stepping up, and that's the thing.
18:30
Amy: I have a positive mindset about it now, because when he steps it up romantically I'm like, oh, it's that day, isn't it?
18:36
Amy: I can tell.
18:37
Amy: But instead of being like you're only doing those things because you want something, I look at it like he's naturally stepping it up, because he's trying to show me love in the ways that I need, because he wants to feel loved back in the ways that he needs.
18:52
Nick: It's healthy.
18:53
Nick: I was going to say too.
18:54
Nick: I know a lot of women are shaking their heads and saying, oh yeah, I mean obviously I feel the same way.
18:58
Nick: My husband does that to me as well.
19:00
Nick: I'm not making excuses.
19:02
Nick: I really try to be romantic all the time.
19:05
Amy: You do.
19:06
Nick: But it's the way God made us.
19:08
Nick: We're naturally going to, as that desire gets stronger, we're naturally going to do things to, I guess, be closer to our spouse and want to connect with our spouse, and so I think part of that is that's just naturally how we're wired and made, and thank goodness that we are right.
19:28
Nick: I mean, it might not be ideal, but it works.
19:33
Amy: So if we talk about the high-drive wife and I've already mentioned this, I'm not going to go into it long but I feel like they are the ones that get the shaft, Because when the husband's not craving sexually, they probably and I don't know, I'm just guessing Because a man usually is wired to have that higher sex drive.
19:50
Amy: If he's missing that, for whatever the reason is, he's probably cutting back on the emotional, Because most men will give the emotional so that they get the sexual or the physical right.
20:00
Amy: Correct.
20:01
Amy: So my heart breaks for those wives who responded that said I'm the higher drive.
20:06
Amy: I don't really have anyone else to reach out to because I am in this low percentage, right, and nobody really understands this.
20:13
Amy: And I'm just thinking, if Nick didn't want me sexually, he probably wouldn't be stepping up in those emotional areas as often, because it wouldn't be natural for him to even think about, Because his body's not telling him he needs something different, right.
20:27
Nick: Because it is kind of transactional.
20:29
Amy: That's kind of how the way we are wired.
20:30
Nick: Well, and you're right, because a lot of men are naturally providing the emotional, because they want that sexual connection too.
20:38
Amy: Absolutely.
20:39
Amy: I think that's a lot of the reason I'm just being honest that you get married.
20:43
Amy: You're like I'm willing to date you and court you and fall in love with you and marry you, because I have the strong desire to be intimate with you.
20:51
Amy: Right, that's the way you're creative, Creative, created.
20:55
Nick: Yeah, I agree 100%.
20:57
Nick: I just think naturally.
20:59
Amy: That's why a lot of husbands get married and, yeah, they want the commitment, they want the family unit, they want all those things?
21:04
Amy: Of course they do.
21:05
Amy: They want that best friend Absolutely they want all those things.
21:07
Amy: That's always.
21:08
Amy: We're not talking about sex as being number one.
21:10
Amy: We're just saying that's one of the big reasons.
21:12
Nick: But sex also is a big component with sex, absolutely, I mean it just is, that's how we're wired.
21:18
Amy: Absolutely.
21:19
Nick: So I do love that.
21:20
Nick: You brought up, though, like scheduling sex, because I think for a lot of people and I would say in our relationship is, amy and I are both like make a list of the tasks that we have each day and then get them done, right.
21:34
Nick: Right, we both just knock off our list.
21:36
Nick: We've got to get this done, we've got to get this done, and I think most women are like that, and some men obviously.
21:42
Nick: But if sex is not anywhere on that list, then you're never going to get to it.
21:47
Nick: But if you put, if you schedule sex and say, ok, we're going to have sex tonight or make love tonight tonight, we're going to plan on this, then you've put it on the list, you know you're going to do it.
21:58
Nick: And then your thought process for getting through the day and knocking things off the list at least you have sex on that list and you know you're going to do it, right.
22:07
Nick: So instead of not even being on the list, it now moves up on the list as something that you're going to do.
22:13
Amy: Well, and I don't even let's change that.
22:15
Amy: Let's change that Because a lot of the women are rolling their eyeballs.
22:18
Amy: I'm like I'm not writing sex at the top of my list, ok.
22:20
Amy: What if you start your day and you're writing your list out I don't care if it's a mental list or it's like a physical list, like you're writing.
22:29
Amy: I'm a writer, like I have my like lists that I check off.
22:32
Amy: But what if you change your mindset and you're like prioritize quality time or physical time with my husband tonight.
22:41
Amy: What if that was the top thing on your list?
22:43
Amy: And then your day, like a lot of people, especially like Christians, will put like read scripture, pray.
22:51
Amy: I mean, those are their top things.
22:52
Amy: Right, like God first.
22:54
Nick: Yeah.
22:54
Amy: Well then, if that's how you are, husband should be right under that Before all your to-do lists like I'm pretty sure most of you are, like going to work or going to the gym, you know those kind of things but your husband, prioritizing your marriage is probably not even on that list.
23:11
Amy: And if you're really prioritizing your husband or your wife, put them up there and say what does that look like to them?
23:19
Amy: Because if you're prioritizing them, you're prioritizing their needs.
23:22
Amy: And if that's being intimate every few nights or once a week or whatever they they want or need or whatever you want or need, that needs to be.
23:31
Amy: I just think the mindset needs to be changed right.
23:34
Amy: Yeah, how was your day gonna look different if you know that being intimate with your spouse that night is a really high priority For your marriage and for your life and for your health is Up higher, how is that gonna affect your day?
23:47
Amy: Are you gonna do take other stuff off your plate so you're not as tired?
23:50
Amy: You're gonna take other things off your plate so you don't have excuses.
23:53
Amy: I don't know.
23:54
Amy: I think it's all comes down to why am I not prioritizing it?
23:59
Amy: Why is it not higher on my priority list, and how do I fix that?
24:02
Amy: And that's where scheduling can really help, even if it's just mentally.
24:06
Nick: I agree, and, as you're talking about, even just mentally, let's talk about like.
24:11
Nick: Let's talk about, like the, the way we think about sex or how we perceive sex as what is, how important that is to Finding that balance as well, because I think a lot of the lower-desire spouses, women Just like I don't, I don't like sex, I don't want sex, I don't need sex, and so they're looking at sex is like Something they just have to do, or they look at sex as a chore or something.
24:39
Nick: If you're, if you're a low-desire spouse and you're looking at sex from a negative way, of course You're not gonna want to have sex.
24:47
Nick: No, right, no, it's.
24:49
Amy: I'm super guilty of that.
24:50
Amy: Like there has definitely been like spans in my life where I'm like I don't crave this, I don't desire this.
24:57
Amy: My body is not telling me that I need this.
24:59
Amy: This is literally another thing, I just have to get it done.
25:02
Amy: And another person that I have to take care of, especially when your kids are young, it's just another person that I have to take care of, right and?
25:10
Amy: And once you start having that attitude like I have to Take care of my husband or my wife in that way If you're if your wife, if the wife is the higher-drive, if I have to take care of my spouse in that way, that becomes a burden in your mind.
25:27
Nick: Yeah, now I feel this isn't something we've really talked about, so I'm not asking, kind of just on the spot, I'm not but I feel like you've really changed your Outlook or perception about sex like overall in marriage, right, do you feel like you have?
25:44
Amy: I think it's because Nothing against it being like a need for you, but the more research I've done about how good it is for stress, how good it is for your body, how actually like, the more I've learned about Like the health reasons, for sex, health benefits, stress, anxiety, depression, headaches, pms, like the more I've learned about all those things, why the more I'm like I think God created Not just to bond a marriage and to unite two people, but like there's so many other benefits to it and I'm not saying that's, that's why I've changed my mindset, but there's just so many reasons to be positive about it, right?
26:27
Nick: Yeah, and I think for a lot of people we've heard Emails and different things from people that have all they've done has changed their mindset and they've gone from the low-desire spouse to sometimes even the high-desire spouse.
26:40
Nick: Because they've changed their mindset, instead of looking at sex is a bad thing or a chore, they they recognize how important it is and I think I think for a lot of people too, when they start making love to their spouse more often, they see the change in the relationship, they see the change in their spouse and that obviously produces great benefits or Enhances the marriage in a lot of ways as well.
27:10
Nick: So obviously, if you're, if you're putting forth effort in something and you see that effort paying off, that your marriage or your relationship is getting a lot Better, then you're gonna have that correlation and say, well, wow, our marriage and relationship is a lot better the more we're connecting intimately and things like that as well, which I would think would make it more, more enjoyable and and change the outlook or perspective about sex and what it means for the relationship.
27:39
Amy: I can 100, I can 100% agree that, like when our intimate life is really good, you are a different person and I think a lot of husbands and wives can agree that, like when that intimate area, or when the emotional intimate like even wives still admit that have the lower drive, when the in the emotional intimacy in their marriage is really really strong, they're more happy to have sexual intimacy and vice versa.
28:09
Nick: Right, because it's all like this big circle that like when something's off, it kind of throws everything off and as we're talking about is trying to find this balance right, like that balance is Needed well, and and this ties into this podcast topic as well we had the podcast topic A while ago about the toxic games that couples play in marriage, and I think this goes hand-in-hand is with what you're saying too is when the husband, the husband or the low-desire spouse is cut off sexually, they're going to cut off the emotional intimacy, and then what happens is you see a couple Divide farther and farther apart, almost like two magnets that are that are, you know, reversed to where you can't get them together.
28:55
Nick: They just keep Go growing more and more apart, right, right, and that's exactly what happens.
29:01
Nick: When the sexual Intimacies cut off, then the emotional intimacy is cut off, then it becomes a toxic game where no one's giving in, and I'm sure we know there's a lot of couples like that.
29:12
Nick: I think most couples deal with that at some point in the relationship, where sexual intimacy is used, maybe as a weapon to Sure and vice, and emotional intimacy is used as well.
29:22
Nick: And so what we're trying to say is, if you make sexual intimacy a priority and try to find that balance in the relationship, if you are a low-desire spouse, you're gonna see that Emotional intimacy that maybe you're missing or wanting in the relationship Drafts to improve as well for sure.
29:42
Nick: So, absolutely and then I think the final point which we'll talk about is you have to.
29:47
Nick: You have to sit down and talk about these things and have these discussions.
29:51
Nick: If, if Amy and I have these discussions all the time, right, all the time you have to talk about sex.
29:58
Nick: I'm always telling Amy you know what sex means to me, why it's important she's you know telling me Other things, like we're always having these good discussions and talking about our sexual intimacy, how often we're having sex.
30:16
Amy: We're talking about these things often which is why 100% the reason we created the sexual intimacy course communication course workbook.
30:26
Amy: It's a PDF file.
30:28
Amy: We talk about all the barriers to Fixing this gap right, Like what is causing you to not want it or to have a negative mindset about it or be too busy for it or to not understand how important the needs are.
30:44
Amy: Like what was it?
30:46
Amy: Like 25, we have like 25 different topics with like step-by-step questions to talk about with your spouse.
30:51
Amy: So we understand that sex is a really hard thing to talk about.
30:55
Amy: Sometimes you just kind of rip that band-aid off, have the conversations.
30:58
Amy: They get easier, I promise.
31:00
Amy: Well, they get easier and easier and easier in your marriage.
31:03
Amy: Like, once you start talking about and getting super vulnerable in this conversation, it just it can become a regular conversation.
31:11
Amy: Like yeah, I feel like it's kind of still right now, or I feel like it's not super prioritized right now, or I feel like sex is just eh, like I don't really enjoy it for very long, like those kind of things just start becoming normal conversations and that's how it gets better.
31:26
Nick: Yeah, and even if your spouse is a low-desire spouse, there's still probably barriers that are keeping them from wanting the sexual intimacy For sure, and so you know we.
31:37
Nick: It took us a long time to put those together.
31:39
Nick: We've priced it really well at $49.99.
31:42
Nick: I mean, other people are charging hundreds, if not yeah all close to $1,000 for these types of courses.
31:49
Nick: Like I said, we have it priced real well.
31:50
Nick: Our goal is to help you have great relationships and transform your marriages.
31:56
Nick: So you can check that out at shopultimateintimacycom as well too.
32:00
Nick: But just kind of finishing up again sitting down, having having those tough conversations, communicating about it and understanding what the barriers are that keep in you from having the relationship that you want.
32:15
Nick: If you can figure those out, you'll be able to tackle it and find a good balance, and I think you know, going back to it again like I would love to make love to Amy every day.
32:26
Nick: I know that's not realistic, right?
32:28
Nick: I know that's not realistic to do.
32:29
Nick: Amy would be fine making love once a month, or maybe even not once a month.
32:35
Amy: I would be fine with it, because I know you're not fine with it.
32:37
Nick: But the point I'm trying to get at is we found a balance right.
32:41
Nick: It might not be the perfect situation for her, it might not be the perfect situation for me, but it's one of those things where, like, we're both happy, like this is great.
32:51
Amy: There's given, taken marriage.
32:52
Nick: There's given taken.
32:53
Nick: So what we found works for us is a couple of times a week, right.
32:56
Amy: Yeah.
32:56
Nick: And that's fantastic.
32:57
Nick: I'm.
32:58
Nick: I'm the happiest man I could ever be and I hope she's a happy wife and we found what works, and so every relationship is going to be different.
33:08
Nick: So, instead of the high desire spouse controlling how often to meet all of their needs or the low desire spouse controlling how often to meet their needs, it's going to be a little bit of give and take and find what works for you and that that maybe once a week, it maybe once every two weeks.
33:26
Nick: It's going to look different for everyone, for sure, but figure out what that is and we think you'll see your marriage really flourish.
33:35
Amy: Sex can be awesome.
33:37
Nick: Yeah, really can.
33:39
Amy: Sex can be so great.
33:40
Nick: Well, don't you think sex?
33:41
Amy: can be so great.
33:42
Amy: If you, if you change your mindset, it can be so great.
33:45
Nick: And to wrap this up, I think too, just because your spouse is a low desire spouse doesn't mean that they don't enjoy sex Right.
33:54
Nick: It just means that they don't have the desire to initiate or, you know, be the one to pursue it.
34:02
Nick: But just like Amy I'm sure there's most women out there once they get into it they can really enjoy it.
34:08
Nick: And so it's just having that mindset to say, you know what and I think that's where Amy comes from.
34:14
Nick: Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think Amy's mindset is I know, once we start to get into making love, I'm really going to enjoy it, and I'm.
34:23
Nick: You know it's not.
34:24
Amy: And that's the key.
34:25
Amy: That's the key here is to figure out how to enjoy it.
34:28
Amy: If you're not enjoying it the entire time, if foreplay is taking too long, if it's not feeling good, if it's, if you can't have an orgasm, if, if you, only the orgasm is the only good part about it and it takes so much prep to get there, if you're suffering with any of those things, that's literally why we created all the products that we have.
34:51
Amy: Like we have hand created most of our products or have tried and tested and only promote the stuff that we love because it has truly helped us, and I'm like I think that's the whole reason.
35:02
Amy: The app and all the cute positions and the toys that we have offered in our shop was literally marriage changing for us, because it's so important.
35:11
Amy: If it's important to your spouse, it needs to be important to you, and if you're not enjoying it, there's a reason for that and there's a way to fix that right.
35:19
Amy: There's solutions to these things.
35:21
Nick: Yeah, it's been a game changer, for sure it's been a lot of these things have been a game changer.
35:24
Amy: The bedroom needs to be fun, it needs to be positive, it needs to be connecting, it needs to be something that you don't dread, that you look forward to.
35:33
Amy: If you're not looking forward to it, why?
35:35
Amy: Why are you not?
35:37
Amy: Let's fix that problem Like we're here to help, right?
35:40
Amy: That's why we're doing this, like we want you to enjoy each other, because that's what makes marriage awesome.
35:46
Nick: Love it.
35:46
Nick: So if you have any questions, feel free to email us at Amy at UltimateIntimacycom.
35:50
Nick: You'll get a response from either Amy or I, and we hope you enjoyed the podcast and until next time.
35:57
Nick: We hope each of you find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.