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Your Teen Doesn’t Need More Rules · IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective

• 0:00
  Years ago, when I was a high school principal, I was completely overwhelmed.
• 0:05
  I was the principal of what was considered a failing school.
• 0:10
  Our graduation rate was extremely low, our suspension rate was through the roof, and we weren't performing well on state testing.
• 0:20
  And I remember feeling this enormous pressure to fix everything.
• 0:26
  To fix the scores, attendance, behavior, fix the teachers, the students, the culture.
• 0:33
  Basically, somehow fix an entire school.
• 0:37
  And sitting in my office, there was this little book called Lead Simply by Sam Parker.
• 0:45
  A friend and former principal of mine, he rem- recommended this book to me and gave me a copy.
• 0:52
  And one day when I was feeling particularly overwhelmed, I sat down and I read it, and I'm pretty sure it took me, like, 30 minutes.
• 1:03
  But I remember closing the book and feeling something I desperately needed in that moment: clarity.
• 1:10
  The whole idea boiled down to these three things.
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  it actually boiled down leadership to these three simple words: model, connect, and involve.
• 1:25
  And those three words changed the way that I thought about being a principal.
• 1:31
  And looking back, I think they also helped shape the way that I coach, the way I parent, and pretty much everything I teach parents today in my coaching program.
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  So today, I wanted to show you what model, connect, and involve might look like with your teenager Especially when we get to involve.
• 1:58
  I want you to notice how different this is from the way most parents have been taught to set rules and boundaries.
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  Because involving your teenager doesn't mean handing over all control.
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  It actually means that you give your teen a little bit of control, and you start to have more influence.
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  So that day, I remember feeling like there were so many things that I had to fix, and if you're like me, and if you're like a lot of the parents that I work with, oftentimes you feel the same pressure.
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  You feel like you need to fix your teen's grades or how much time he spends playing video games or how little time he spends sleeping.
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  You might feel like you need to fix his attitude or chores, maybe his lack of motivation.
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  Maybe you need to fix some disrespect, or you need to fix his future.
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  And when you feel responsible for fixing everything, you naturally start to try and manage everything.
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  You fall into the controlling parent trap, and it's really easy for control to just creep in.
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  And this is where I think parenting and leadership overlap a ton.
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  Because when you're scared about an outcome, it is really tempting to think that leadership or parenting means getting everybody else to do what they're supposed to do or what you think is right.
• 3:40
  But Lead Simply, this little book, seriously, it took me like 30 minutes or less to read.
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  It's by Sam Parker.
• 3:48
  But Lead Simply gave me a completely different place to start, not with all the things that I needed to fix, but with me So this is one of the concepts that I teach a lot, the idea of parenting from the outside in, where you focus on things outside of yourself, like,"Once my teenager changes, then things will be better." And then we have parenting from the inside out, which is like,"Hey, I'm going to decide how I want to lead, how I want to parent, regardless of what my teenager does." It's focusing on something from the inside out rather than focusing on something from the outside in.
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  You can't control your teen.
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  That's an outside in focus.
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  But you can control you, which is an inside out focus.
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  And that is essentially modeling first.
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  That instead of forcing compliance, like,"I'm going to demonstrate that behavior." And then that leads to connect, where I'm going to connect with you.
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  I'm gonna build that relationship.
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  And then that leads to involve, where instead of solving everything for your teenager, you're going to involve them.
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  And that is what this whole episode is built on.
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  How can you, as a parent, model?
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  How can you connect?
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  And how can you involve your teen?
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  So let's talk about a belief shift that I think needs to happen in the parenting space.
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  A lot of parents believe that their teen just needs better rules, or he needs, uh, harsher consequences.
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  The thing is, he doesn't need better rules.
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  He doesn't need harsher consequences.
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  Your teen needs better leadership, and that leadership comes from you, and that leadership isn't control.
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  Leadership in parenting is deciding who you want to be as a mom, building a relationship with your teen, and a relationship that your teen actually wants to be a part of, and inviting your teenager to help solve the problems that you are facing together.
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  That is model.
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  That is connect.
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  That is involve.
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  So let's talk about model.
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  This is one of the things that really changed when I was a principal.
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  I remember knowing exactly who I wanted to be, and this book kind of gave me permission, kind of told me,"Hey, that is important." Be the example.
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  Be the change you want to see.
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  Model that behavio-behavior.
• 6:53
  As a part of a failing school, everybody's worried.
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  "Are we gonna get shut down?" Teachers are worried,"Am I gonna have a school?" Students, honestly, I guess, aren't that worried because they don't really care if their school is failing or not.
• 7:07
  But parents are worried.
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  They're like,"Dang, am I gonna have to find a new school for my kids?" And I wanted to model confidence.
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  I wanted to model calmness, purpose, kindness, leadership, and I couldn't ask the teachers and the students to create a better culture while I just went around frantically trying to fix everything, or if I lost hope, or if I was constantly reactive.
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  And you can bring that into your parenting.
• 7:39
  Who do you want to be when parenting gets hard?
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  Not, how do I get my teen to get better grades, or do his chores, or do the things that I think he should do, but who do I want to be even if he's failing at school?
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  For me, I want to be respectful, so I model respect.
• 8:02
  If you want your teen to have better emotional regulation, regulate yourself.
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  If you want your teen to take responsibility, take responsibility for you and what's within your control.
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  If you want honesty, be honest.
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  If you want your teen to be more resilient and handle frustration better, show them what resilience looks like.
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  Show them what it looks like to be frustrated and to keep moving forward.
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  This is the perfect place for you as a parent to really model the type of behavior that you want to see.
• 8:43
  And I teach this concept, if today's your first time listening to me, I'm sure I'll talk about it again, but I talk about the wheel of life, and sometimes we're on the top of the wheel.
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  That's when life is great, things are going our way, and sometimes you're on the bottom of the wheel.
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  Find top of the wheel moments, because this is the perfect place for you to practice being the mom or the parent that you want to be.
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  This is the perfect place for you to model that type of behavior, and without practice, I guarantee you, it is not going to come natural in tough parenting situations.
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  That's why it's so important to practice the parent you want to be during the easy moments, so that it's easy to show up that way during hard moments.
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  Here's something I wish more parents understood.
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  You don't magically become calm during a fight over the Xbox or grades or phones.
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  You practice that calmness before the fight ever happens in top of the wheel moments, and that's when you create a change within yourself so that you are now prepared for the bottom of the wheel And that is what, modeling is all about.
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  And it leads us into the second principle, because one of the best places to practice the parent you want to be is when nothing at all is even wrong.
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  And that's actually one of the best places to connect with your teen.
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  So let's talk about connect.
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  Build the relationship with your teenager before you desperately need it.
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  When I was a high school principal, when I read this book, I remember getting cleared, clarity.
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  This is who I want to be.
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  I'm gonna show up.
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  I'm gonna be calm.
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  I'm gonna be intentional.
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  I'm gonna be confident.
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  Connection was more of an external thing.
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  Like, I can just decide to have more connection.
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  Like, I could decide, like,"Oh, I'm gonna be confident.
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  I'm gonna be calm.
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  I'm gonna be purposeful." I started intentionally connecting with my students.
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  I would show up early to the school.
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  I would get there before the students got there, and I would start greeting the students.
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  I would try and talk to them before their friends showed up and before the day got busy and full of distractions.
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  I would visit my teachers during prep periods.
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  I would sit with the teachers and students during lunch.
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  One of the things I did is I got rid of the staff table.
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  I'm like,"No, go connect with our students." Start taking an interest in your teen.
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  And the thing is, I wasn't only interacting with my students or my teachers when there was a problem.
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  One of our biggest goals, we would do a back-to-school night, and we would do it on the tribal fishing and campgrounds.
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  And what we would do is we would eat hamburgers, we would cook Dutch oven cobbler, and it was this back-to-school event where we would invite our students, their families, the staff and their families.
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  And the thing is, there wasn't a discipline problem to solve that day.
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  We didn't have to fix grades.
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  Like, nobody was in trouble We were just there to connect before connection was really necessary.
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  We were there to talk to the parents before something went wrong and we had to call the parents down to the office.
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  And this was how we could build trust.
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  And I think sometimes as parents, we do the exact opposite with our teenagers.
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  You might barely interact with your teen until you need your teen to fix something.
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  Like,"Hey, did you finish your homework?
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  Did you clean your room?
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  Did you get your grades figured out?" Or,"Hey, you need to get off your phone.
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  Hey, you're going to be late." And then we wonder why every conversation with our teen feels like confrontation.
• 13:07
  Your teenager might need you to connect before they can fix something.
• 13:15
  Yeah, sometimes your teen needs you to fix something for them.
• 13:19
  They might need you to step in.
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  But he also needs a relationship with you that isn't entirely built around correction Here are some examples of what connection might look like for you and your teen.
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  You could play video games together.
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  You could go shoot hoops together.
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  I know for me and my son, who's a basketball player, one of the ways that we connect, and man, as I talk about this, I'm like,"Man, I should make time and do this." We'll go play basketball together.
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  We'll go shoot hoops.
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  We'll go get food together.
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  Sometimes one of the best ways to connect with your teen is to go get food together, and then on your drive to the food place and to the-- back to home, you can have a conversation where he doesn't have to look at you.
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  But do it without interrogating your teen.
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  Sometimes sitting next to your teen while he shows you something he's interested in, like,"Hey, Mom, look at this video I found.
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  Look at this guy tackling this guy." Sometimes it's asking questions because you're curious rather than because you're trying to fix something.
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  Sometimes it's letting your teen talk without immediately having to turn it into a lecture or you teaching him something.
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  Now, the thing I want to be clear on is that you can have connection with your teenager without being a permissive parent, and this is where some parents get nervous.
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  They think,"Okay, Ben, but if I'm just connecting with my teen, who's actually going to make sure that he's doing what he's supposed to do?" Oh, that's a great question because connection isn't the end of leadership.
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  The third piece might actually be the one that's most important and the one that most teenagers are missing from their parents.
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  So the last one is involve And this is where you as a mom can stop solving every problem that your teen has, or every problem that you and your teen experience all by yourself.
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  You can start involving your teen in that process.
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  When I was a high school principal, when we started looping our staff and our students and their families into these conversations, and when we started asking,"Hey, how could we improve our school?
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  What do you see as a teacher?
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  What do you see as a student?
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  What do you see as a parent?
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  What do you need?
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  What do the students need?
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  What do our families need?" When you start having those questions and you start involving the other people that are involved, you can't help but change the culture.
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  And the thing is, I wasn't abandoning my responsibility as principal.
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  I was still in charge.
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  I was the one who had to make the tough decisions.
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  I was the one who was responsible for whether or not things worked.
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  But I was able to involve people that I needed their help to create a solution and to make that solution work The important thing for you as a prin- or as a parent, I was still the principal, you're still the parent.
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  I didn't just one day say,"Well, whatever you guys think is best, you guys do it." No, I still had responsibility.
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  And as a parent, you're not gonna give your teen a voice and be, then be like,"Okay, well, I guess you're in charge.
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  I guess we have to do what you said." No.
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  There are still things that have to happen.
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  There are still standards that need to be met.
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  But you don't have to solve every problem.
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  You don't have to know how your teen is gonna get there.
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  You can involve your teen.
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  You can empower them to help come up with solutions.
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  Your teenager doesn't need you to do it for them.
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  They need you to help involve them in solving these problems.
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  For example, instead of you as a parent coming in and saying,"Look, no video games until your grades are fixed," you could come and have a conversation and say,"Hey, your grades aren't where they need to be.
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  What do you think needs to happen to fix your grades?" And then you could be like,"Awesome.
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  So what's your plan to make that happen?" Or maybe you're like,"All right, so we need your grades to be up or your chores to be done before video game time.
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  I'm pretty flexible about how that happens.
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  What would work for you?" And you're just involving your teen in that solution.
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  Maybe your teen always forgets to do their homework.
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  Maybe the next conversation is, hey, I see that you struggle to remember your homework.
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  What's your plan to remind yourself?" This is where you as the parent can give your teen the what.
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  Like,"Look, this is what needs to happen.
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  You wanna borrow the car?
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  You need to maintain grades B's and above.
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  You want to have a cell phone?
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  You need to turn it in at night and do whatever that is." You can tell your teen the what, but you can give your teen the how.
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  You're responsible for the things that actually belong to you as a parent, but give your teen a meaningful voice and input in how they're going to make that agreement work.
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  This is directly tied to boundaries with buy-in.
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  Buy-in doesn't mean that your teen completely agrees.
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  It means that you gave your teen a voice, not veto power.
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  You gave him a voice.
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  His voice matters, and now he has some involvement.
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  He has some ownership, some responsibility in solving the problem, and that actually is going to build more trust, more connection, and even more buy-in Think about the difference.
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  The old version of parenting is like:"Look, I'm the parent.
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  I figured out the solution.
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  You're the teen, and your job is to obey me." No, there's a new and a better way.
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  It's like,"Hey, I'm the parent, you're the teen, and we have a problem.
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  And as your parent, I have responsibilities, and as the teen, you're responsible for some of this.
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  Let's work together and come up with a plan." That's not weak parenting, guys.
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  That is leadership.
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  So let's bring this all together When I was a principal, some of my favorite memories were things like the back to school event.
• 20:13
  It was hanging out with my students where we'd cook burgers and Dutch oven cobblers.
• 20:18
  It was going to school early and talking to my staff and my students and connecting with them.
• 20:25
  It was connecting with the parents and being able to interact with each other long before there was ever a problem, which set things up so that when there was a problem, when someone failed a class or they got suspended and I had to call their parents into my office, we already had a relationship, and I already had practice knowing who I wanted to be.
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  Like I'm modeling this constantly.
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  I'm practicing this.
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  And so when there was a problem, it was just an extension of what we've already been doing.
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  Model, connect, and involve.
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  I don't have to solve the problem for this family.
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  I can involve them, and we can all work together and solve the problem in a way that best helps their student.
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  And those relationships and that involvement became a huge part of the reason that that school was able to improve so quickly.
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  And your home works the same way.
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  Model, connect, involve.
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  Model the kind of person you want to be.
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  Connect with your teen when nothing even needs to be fixed.
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  Connect early, connect often, and involve your teen in solving the problems that belong to both of you.
• 21:48
  You don't need to control your teenager to lead him.
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  You don't need to fix all of his problems.
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  In fact, the more you try to control your teen, the less you're going to be able to lead And that's where a lot of parents struggle.
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  They think control is the goal.
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  It's not.
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  So I want to invite you, for this week, ask yourself a few questions.
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  When it comes to modeling, ask,"Who do I want to be in the situation that's hard with my teen?
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  Who do I want to be in these tough parenting moments?" When it comes to connect, ask,"What could I do this week to create more connection with my teen before we have a problem, without me even trying to fix anything?" And when it comes to involve, I want you to just ask,"What problem am I currently trying to solve or fix that I could involve my teen, and we could do a better job together?" And I don't want you to overhaul your whole family.
• 22:58
  This is one of the mistakes that I make sometimes, and I see parents make it all the time.
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  They're like,"All right.
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  I listened to this podcast.
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  We're gonna fix everything." No, don't overhaul your whole family.
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  Just pick one.
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  Model, connect, or involve, and then practice that one And if you are struggling with that, this is where I'm more than happy to come and help.
• 23:25
  Boundaries with Buy-In, it's closed.
• 23:28
  but I'm opening up a few one-on-one private coaching spots for those of you who weren't able to get in.
• 23:35
  And if you listened to this episode and you thought,"Okay, I understand model, I understand connect, and I understand involve, but I have no idea what that would even look like with me and my teen," this is exactly the kind of thing I help parents work through, and I would love to help you.
• 23:56
  Maybe you're constantly fighting about video games.
• 23:59
  Maybe he's failing classes, and you don't know how much to step in.
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  Or maybe there's disrespect or anxiety, avoidance, lying, chores, or you just feel like the two of you are constantly on opposite teams.
• 24:17
  We can look at what's happening, figure out what's actually yours to work on, and then build a game plan for what to do next.
• 24:28
  And if your teen is one who needs help, I also work directly with teens.
• 24:33
  The first step is a free game plan call.
• 24:37
  There's no pressure, and you don't need to know ahead of time whether coaching is right for you or your teen.
• 24:43
  We'll just hop on this free call.
• 24:45
  We'll talk about what's going on in your home, where you feel stuck, and what I think might help.
• 24:52
  And to schedule that free game plan call, you can go to benpughcoaching.com/mini.
• 24:58
  Go to benpughcoaching.com/mini and schedule a free game plan call.
• 25:07
  And remember, you don't have to control your teenager to lead him.
• 25:13
  Model, connect, involve.
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  Start there.
• 25:18
  That book was a game-changer for me.
• 25:22
  It's called Lead Simply by Sam Parker.
• 25:26
  And for you and your teen, just start there.
• 25:29
  Model, connect, involve.
• 25:32
  I'll talk to you soon.