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Navigating Mom Guilt as An Actor · Mommywood

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  Welcome to Mommy Wood. I'm so happy to have you here as
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  always. This episode is another solo
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  episode, and I'm talking about mom guilt, what we all feel, but
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  especially specifically actor mom guilt because it's a
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  different breed. We have so many other things
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  that we have to deal with, and I welcome you to join the mom
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  guilt discussion. I'm going to talk about my
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  experience and things that I've gone through and I hope that
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  this episode helps you feel a little less alone and hopefully
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  at least tell me that you can relate to some of this.
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  I think, I think that mom guilt, that guilt in general for mom is
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  starts with the guilt of just wanting something for yourself,
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  wanting something that's just for you and feeling bad that
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  like we're doing something that doesn't involve our kids.
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  Which I think if we try to think about it from a child's
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  perspective or when we were kids that we didn't always want our
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  parents around, we don't want our parents doting on us all the
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  time. Like that gets annoying.
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  So I try to think of that in a way that like it's healthy for
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  my kid to do things on our own and it's good as a mom to want
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  things for myself. We want moms to want other
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  things besides just to feed our children and pick them up from
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  school and those things. I feel like it's OK to want
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  things, even if that takes time away from being with your kid,
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  as hard as that can be. You know, there's I feel like
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  there's just so much to talk about on this topic.
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  So I hope I'm not going to be full time, but but I think
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  specifically if for actor moms, it's hard to to find the time.
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  Like let's talk about additions. It's hard to find the time to to
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  learn lines and memorize and do like a self tape when your kid
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  is having a meltdown or something to be in the other
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  room and hear a try. Like me trying to work on
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  something and hear my kid having a hard time.
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  That makes me feel bad even though I know her dad is with
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  her. That makes me feel bad for not
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  being there for my daughter even though I'm doing something
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  proactive. And it's like why do I feel that
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  way? I feel like in those situations
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  it's easier for me to go somewhere else or work.
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  I mean, luckily my daughter's at school now, so to work on lines
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  or scenes or the things when she is already away from me, That
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  way when she is home, I don't feel like I'm taking as much
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  time away from her from being with her.
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  So finding that time is important to me during the day
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  when she's already gone from me. I think before having kids, one
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  of the things I struggled with, which I've talked about is the
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  idea that we need to have something stable or whatever for
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  our kids. That it seems like a selfish
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  pursuit to to pursue acting. And again, we need to stop using
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  those terms, pursue acting. I am doing it right now and I
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  need to stop. But to have a career in acting,
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  which is a constant audition process that that seems like a
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  selfish thing to have an unstable career when you have
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  kids. I think as long as you are not
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  putting yourself in such a financial place of burden where
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  it's going to be like, obviously we have to have day jobs.
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  If for me, the way the place I am in my career, I cannot
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  sustain life from my acting paychecks.
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  It's not happening right now. And that's unfortunate and I
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  wish I wasn't there now that I have a child, but it is where
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  I'm at. And I'm but I know that I have
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  to have these other fires burning and day job and things
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  that will keep us afloat that won't make me worry about where
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  I am and being able to take care of my family.
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  And that goes with my husband as well.
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  It's a partnership and both of us being able to do that is
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  really key. I think.
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  I don't think it's selfish for you to show your kid that you
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  are following your dreams, that you are doing something you want
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  to be doing. I don't think it's selfish to
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  show your kid determination, to show your kid that you don't
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  give up when it gets hard. So that's where I am.
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  We talk about, we talk. What am I even saying right now?
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  But another way that mom guilt comes into specifically after
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  mom guilt is the idea of going to work and missing a milestone
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  or missing something with our kids to go on location or to be
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  away from our kids because we're filming something that is really
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  ludicrous if we think about it, is anybody, you know?
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  Yes, of course, other parents and other industries can feel
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  that way regardless of what their industry is.
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  If they have to go out of town for a business trip, maybe
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  they're missing the school play. I don't think we're alone in
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  that. And for whatever reason, having
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  it be that we're filming something makes it somehow
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  selfish. I feel like I, I hear myself
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  continuously bringing up that I think a lot of this actor mom
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  guilt is internalized. I think if we thought of so many
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  of these things from a different career perspective that it would
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  sound silly. It would just it wouldn't be the
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  same. Now there are things that we
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  have to do that other moms don't have to deal with.
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  When you have like a traditional 9 to 5 and comparing ourselves
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  to people who have that and have that stability, that's just
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  going to take you down a whole different path.
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  I think if this entertainment of acting is the career that you
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  have chosen, you shouldn't compare yourself to other moms
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  that have a nine to five job or or any different career.
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  You don't see like lawyers comparing themselves to doctors
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  to engineers to XY and Z like it's just it'll bring you to
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  that compare and despair anyway. Also, childcare isn't just
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  logical, it's emotional. So the guilt around the
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  logistics of having kids of like of having a babysitter, of
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  having somebody else watch your kids so you can do something
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  that gets emotional. Like especially I find like if
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  I'm taking a class and luckily my daughter has been in school
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  or with my husband, but the I so I do feel bad, but like I'm not
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  there when it's my husband or she's at school where I'm like I
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  could be spending time with her. I don't have to be taking this
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  acting class. I could be, but we don't want to
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  could on ourselves. We don't want to should on
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  ourselves is what I say like and it's hard because it feels like
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  it might not be paying off in that moment.
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  But taking classes and doing things for yourself in the long
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  run run will pay off for both you and your kid.
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  Doing things for yourself as a mom is not selfish.
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  Let's just repeat that to ourselves.
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  Doing things for yourself as a mom is not selfish.
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  And just because you can't see the benefits of things right
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  away does not mean that it's not worth it.
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  It doesn't mean that oh, I should have stayed with her
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  because I didn't book this audition.
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  I shouldn't have gone. Like if we thought that, then we
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  shouldn't be in this industry at all.
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  I also feel like we have to prove ourselves, like as actors,
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  we feel like we have to prove ourselves that, like, we're
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  still doing it and that we have to be at a certain place in our
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  career when we have kids and that guilt comes in as well.
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  But again, those are such internal things that we need to
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  just stop our brains from saying.
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  That type of talk just needs to like stop and like the same
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  thing comes in with like when you're not working or you're not
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  booking something. The feeling the guilt of like I
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  should be doing. I should have chosen a different
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  career. I should have done this to stop
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  shooting on yourself. That should be this whole
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  episode mom guilt. Stop shooting on yourself and
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  then we talk. I have to talk about like
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  explaining our careers to our children, although, you know,
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  how many people really care or know that much about what their
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  parents do, am I right? I mean, I don't think you need
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  to explain yourself to anybody. I, I mean, explaining your
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  career to your kid is definitely different, but kind of
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  explaining to them why this matters to you, why it's
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  important to you, why it's something that you love to do
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  and share with them the little wins that you do get.
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  So they can see and shall share the losses because they can see
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  your determination that just because somebody says no, that
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  doesn't mean you stop going for what you want.
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  Now I heard myself say that and thinking as a parent to a child,
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  like just because I said no ice cream, just keep asking.
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  That's what I mean. But you as a parent understand
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  what I mean. I think I'm just going to end it
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  on the fact that guilt and gratitude can both exist in the
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  same plane, feeling guilty about something, but we can also have
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  the gratitude that we are able to pursue.
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  I did it again that we are able to live life as an actor.
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  We are able to again, show our kids this determination, the
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  gratitude that we're able to be artists, be parents, show our
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  kids this, have fun with our kids.
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  There's so many good things that come with being an actor parent
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  that other parents don't get the privilege, the joy to experience
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  and to have with their kids. Our schedules are flexible.
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  Get to see our kids. We get to be with our kids.
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  Our schedules may not be exactly stable necessarily, but having
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  the guilt of that, we can also have the gratitude of what we do
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  have. I hope that that makes sense.
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  Like that we're able to acknowledge the difficulty but
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  also have gratitude for the joyous parts of it.
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  Yes, I think that made sense. I like that.
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  So, so the moral of mom guilt as an actor, actor mom guilt is we
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  have to stop the self talk, the negative self talk.
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  We have to stop thinking that people are.
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  We just need to stop it. We just need to stop.
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  We don't want to shut on ourselves.
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  I feel like I rambled a lot and I do apologize for that, but I
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  think this is just a good reminder of that, not having
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  that negative self talk. And once you start feeling
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  guilty, kind of try and assess why you feel guilty.
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  Is it actually something you should feel guilty about?
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  Or if this were somebody else, what would you say to them?
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  How would you speak to this person or if it wasn't a job in
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  another field, how would you hear it from that perspective?
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  So if you're feeling any mom guilt right now, even just
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  listening to this podcast, I hope that this alleviates some
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  of that for you and that you know that you're not alone when
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  you feel that way, but that, yeah, that you shouldn't.
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  And I know I said we shouldn't shit on ourselves, but don't
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  feel guilty. Don't feel bad about following
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  your passion and living your life as an artist.
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  And I'm going to stop there. So thank you again for being a
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  part of Mommy One. It's always a pleasure.