Latest / Giving Pain Purpose with Lyndsay Soprano / Thorns to Blossoms with Julie Barth

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Thorns to Blossoms with Julie Barth · Giving Pain Purpose with Lyndsay Soprano

• Lyndsay Soprano (00:00.942) So I always wanted to be a mom, right? I've spoken briefly about it on this show from time to time, but it just wasn't in my cards. My ex-husband and I tried like hell to have children. I believe that there's a reason why we shouldn't try as hard to have children, but that's for another conversation and another day. But what... trying to make babies dead is it wreaked havoc on my body in more ways than I can count. And one of them is the reason that I'm sitting in a wheelchair for half of my life because of two of the medications that can cause what I have from infertility treatment. One of the many reasons that I'm doing this show. I also wanted to be a wife, right? Not to be a wife, but to be a wife, man, right? And that I have done and I've done it well three times. I'm on the third and the third is epic. We learn a lot from these things that happen to our lives. My second husband was not ideal. We've talked about him ad infinum on this show and we're not gonna do it today. But throughout all of my dreams of being a mom, being a wife, having a home, doing the things, traveling all over the place, know, all of that, pain weaved its way through, throughout all of that, throughout being a child, having these hopes and dreams. of what do you want to be when you grow up? I still don't even know what I want to be when I grow up. I mean, give me a break. All of those dreams, all of those hopes, all of those plans, and then you get hit, and then you get hit again, and you get hit again, and you get hit again, and you keep standing up, and you learn how to be resilient. And it's not something that you're taught in school. It's not like, guess what? You're gonna have a really fucked up childhood, or you're gonna have a fucked up marriage, or you're gonna have this, that, and the other thing, and you're gonna have to be resilient through that. That's nothing that you're taught. you have to teach it to yourself. And that is something that I have learned and it's something that my guest most certainly has learned. And after all of the stories that you've heard about myself on this show, the stories you're gonna hear today about my guests are going to make your skin jump, your body jump out of your skin, jump back in and wanna fly all over the world to hug this woman and give her the most love that you've ever given anybody in your entire life. And she is here today to help give us pain purpose. Lyndsay Soprano (02:12.1) And that is what we do here. That's the tagline of the show. It's the reason I get out of bed every single morning is to give this pain purpose. So today we're going to chat with my gorgeous guests about domestic violence, emotional abuse, special needs, parenting, caregiving, and the grief that comes with that. And when you lose that person resilience, I talked about in its role in trauma and pain and how we will be unstoppable. Women. Women supporting women through charity and much, more. So without further ado, I'd like to introduce you to my guest today, Ms. Beautiful Julie Barth. Hello, my darling. Julie Barth (02:50.839) Hi, Lindsay. How are you? What an inspirational beginning. You had me in goosebumps. So you are an inspiration. Yes. Lyndsay Soprano (02:56.56) goose pimples are always welcome on this show are as tissues and tears and laughter and depravity. So all of those things are welcome. Thank you. Julie Barth is the author of Notes from a Blackberry from Blackberries to Thorns and the Upcoming from Thorns to Blossoms. And wait until you hear how these names of these these books came to be. A mother of six. Don't even get me started. Professional writer and trauma survivor. Julie Barth (03:03.308) Well, I'll bring all of them. Lyndsay Soprano (03:23.886) Julie infuses her work with raw honesty, hard-won wisdom, and a belief in finding meaning in life's hardest moments. She's also the founder and CEO of the Colin James Barth Outreach, a nonprofit supporting women-led households in crisis. Through her writing and advocacy, Julie empowers women to be resilient, resourceful, and unashamed in protecting themselves and their families. And that is why we are here every day for you guys. So all right, I'm rolling out the red carpet for you, babe. I'd like to start talking about your daughter Tatum, her health, and then let's take it from there. Julie Barth (03:59.854) So I was lucky enough when you're talking about, you know, your dreams of being a wife and a mother and I actually didn't want kids, which I think is hilarious because who's got sex? Yeah. You know what I found out? I didn't want other people's kids. That's what I found out. But yeah. But I met my first husband in six. Lyndsay Soprano (04:11.012) Who has six that didn't want him? Lyndsay Soprano (04:17.357) yeah, yeah, yeah, they're jerks. Julie Barth (04:24.6) fourth grade actually I moved to a different town and he's like the first memory that I ever had he is my first kiss and I'd love to say that we grew you know went through high school together well we didn't but we did meet back up in college and instantly it was like I had found what I'd been missing in my life and you know I'm not romanticizing I really mean it and found him got pregnant with our first son And then I was like, we should keep adding to our family, because that's what I do when things are quiet. I'm like, you know what we need? We need another dog. We need another kid. We need another dog. So we tried to get pregnant with our second daughter. We had had two miscarriages, which are hard. I was in my late 20s, and I was very discouraged. I never thought I would have kids anyway, just for medical reasons. Lyndsay Soprano (04:58.86) Noise. Julie Barth (05:16.908) ended up getting pregnant with Tatum and right out the gate, I went in at six weeks and they were like, congratulations, you're six weeks pregnant. And I was like, that's fantastic. And then 10 weeks, congratulations, you're six weeks pregnant. And it continued to the point where I was like, huh, you know, couldn't, yeah, like I couldn't excuse like instrument error. Like it was literally 12 weeks and they were like, you know, you're nine weeks, you know, good for you. And so something was whispering, something's not right here. So. Lyndsay Soprano (05:31.502) This one's gonna stick. Julie Barth (05:46.368) It was nine months of hell. We had amniocentesis, 43 ultrasounds, and there wasn't anything wrong. You know, was like she just wouldn't grow. That was it. You know, the ultrasounds looked fine. There were no, and we did have doctors that would say like, she's going to be come out and she won't be able to breathe. She's going to have this. She's going to, so by 37 weeks, I was a wreck. Obviously I was on bed rest, off bed rest, you know, and So I think they just were like, it's just time to get her out. So they did and she came out and they weren't equipped for, and again, this is 2001. So there's no Google, thank God, because I probably would have gone more insane. But nobody really knew what to do with her. So she came out and there was a lot of medical malpractice and using her instruments. And so she ended up in the NICU for a couple of months, which led to a trach, which led to, led to, led to. So it was really... We traveled the country trying to figure out what she had. We had reconstructive airway, a lot of ups and downs and all arounds and medical diagnosis that never came true. And again, there's no internet, no one's talking to one another. And so when she turned about three, we finally, I would take her out finally, because she couldn't even go out. That's how sick she was. would take her places and finally people started coming up to me and I said is that your daughter that's on that Discovery Channel show and I was like you know a little bit taken back like no. Lyndsay Soprano (07:22.508) My whole body just went in total goose pimples right now. Like what? No, am I getting checks in the mail too for this show that I know nothing about? Julie Barth (07:27.01) Yeah, mean, like random people. Yeah. And like, then I started like, what are you watching? I want to watch. then my friend came to me one day and she was like, I know what Tatum has. And I was like, well, good for you because I've seen world renowned geneticists. I've been at the Mayo Clinic. And it was, I watched this Discovery Channel show and it's called Primordial Dwarfism. So I put it into my computer because AOL was finally catching up at the Times and giving you a little bit of information. literally, I know, I know. Thank God we don't get old. Only our kids do. So like up popped Tatum's face and I was like, my God, my God. So Colin came home from work and this is the beauty of Colin because I was devastated, you know, because it was like I could no longer pretend Colin is my husband. Yes, he is the... Lyndsay Soprano (08:02.658) You are making us old right now, Julie. Lyndsay Soprano (08:19.758) Colin is her husband, by the way, during this span of time. Yes. Julie Barth (08:24.622) My first kiss, I was not his. He would be here to tell you that. So he came home from work and I was devastated. Because as long as we didn't know what was wrong with Tatum, I could always pretend that she was going to be fine. She was going to be normal. She was going to, whatever normal looks like, she's going to be like everyone else. said, my gosh, Collin, you got to come and you got to see this. And everything that came with it. And he looked and he went, OK, let's for dinner. And I was like, What you mean what's for dinner? was like, are you what? And he's like, he looked at me and he goes, Julie, I'm sorry, did you really think she was like, that nothing was wrong with her? Like she was normal? And I was like, yeah, I think I did. And he was just, that was his way. He was just like, nothing's changed. She's gonna be, she's fine. And that was Colin's way. It was like, don't make too big of a deal out of something. Like it is what it is, deal with what is not what if kind of attitude. Lyndsay Soprano (09:06.538) Meow. Julie Barth (09:23.502) So we, you know, addressed Tatum's issues. We got her trach out. She had several surgeries. We were doing great. We got rid of the nursing and we were kind of like returning to our lives. And we had two more children, two beautiful children. And when our youngest is about six months, we were just have this huge Halloween party and like hundreds of people. And he just was being a grouch. Like he was always kind of grouchy. You don't get me wrong, but just, you know, no levity in it. And so I finally was like, of course being the stellar wife I am, I'm like, go take care of you. Like I can't do this anymore. He was back and forth to the doctor. So I was like, go to the hospital. Don't come out until you figure out what's wrong. I'm going to go run errands. Cause I really thought, yeah, and call me if you need me, you know? And so I'm out running errands and I just had this feeling in my stomach and I was like, what is, you know, like I had this like, Lyndsay Soprano (10:07.684) You go run some errands, you go to the hospital and figure your shit out, okay buddy? Thanks. Julie. Julie Barth (10:21.506) get to the hospital, get to the hospital now. And I called him and he was out of it. And I was like, what is going on? And he said, I don't know. He's like, this is really weird. I haven't even been seen by anyone. And I just said, you know what? I'll be there in a minute. So raced across town and right as I was walking in, the radiologist came in and he said, or I looked at Colin and I said, he had this weird look on his face and I said, what's going on? He goes, I don't know. The radiologist came in and the beeper went off. So he said it would be right back, but he had something to tell me. so I was like, okay. And it was like, the timing could not have been better on it. Cause almost like the beeper went off so I could come in and he came back in and he said, I, sorry to tell you this. found tumor on your pancreas and several lesions in your liver. And from then on, was just, you know, about three days later, we found out that he had stage four pancreatic cancer. The doctor said, you have two weeks to live, go home, let him say goodbye to his kids and, you know, make the best of it. And so was, you know, again, our oldest was 10, Piper's six months. And then we have Tatum and my other son smashed in between. So I didn't, you know, that's not my way. I don't just pack it in and say, okay, he did end up living 16 months, but as you know, some of them are blessing and others are a curse. So we lost him in 2009. Lyndsay Soprano (11:52.098) Yeah, mean, pancreatic cancer usually goes like lickety split not to be completely benign on how I am approaching it. But it's true. I lost an aunt to it. was like she found out that she had pancreatic cancer. was like hospice like seven days later. It so nuts. So when you told me lasted so long, that leads into now you're now you are not just a wife and a mother. Now you're a caregiver as well. Let's talk about a little bit about that taxing. Julie Barth (12:08.451) Yeah. Julie Barth (12:19.534) Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you know, my best friend. you know, it was hard because no matter where I was at, if I was with the kids, I felt bad that I wasn't taking care of him. If I was with him, I felt bad I wasn't taking care of my kids. And then I have a, she's lovely now. She's 19, but she was a troublemaker, my youngest. And she would break into his room and steal his medications, know, 18 months, traveling down the hall with medicine, it's maracas. Lyndsay Soprano (12:20.536) Not only losing your first kiss, but care for it. Yeah. Julie Barth (12:49.134) it got so bad that sometimes I would find her and I would have to call poison control. And for anyone who's ever called poison control, you have to call, give your zip code and your child's first name. And her name was so unusual that I started telling him it was a different name because they were going to come get me. That's how bad, that's how bad. yeah. So it was, it was a lot. Lyndsay Soprano (13:11.94) Truly. Julie Barth (13:14.03) You know, and I'm still dealing with Tatum's medical issues. Thank God. God did give me a reprieve because whatever, you know, she was in the hospital over and over and over again those first six years of her life and it was almost as if when he got really sick either the focus was shifted or the universe gave me a break because her medical stuff seemed to be maybe downplayed. Maybe it just didn't happen, but I don't remember. In fact, I just talked to a pediatrician who I had lost touch with for about 10 years, and she read the book and she didn't know any of this was going on. And she was like, yeah, you you just kind of disappeared. And I just thought Tatum took off. And I said, well, she she did, you know, it wasn't like I was ignoring her. She just literally, like I said, I guess sometimes sometimes, you know, just giving you a break in one way versus, you know, if that's actually right. But yeah, it was it was a long time, you know, a lot of guilt. And I don't think I recognized it, but a lot of survivor's guilt, you end up kind of downplaying somebody's pain. And it got to the point where he wasn't cognizant anymore. But although he wasn't, I was. So he would wake up and say things like, when are we going to chemo? And I'd say, we're going to go tomorrow. Knowing full well, we were never going back to chemo. So it kind of felt like a cruel joke. Again, you do what you have to do, but you internalize all those things, all those wishing that he was gone for his own sake. Still, when he is no longer there, you're like, can't believe I wished he was gone. I feel terrible. I feel terrible for lying for him. I feel terrible for not being there every second. But you just do in those situations. But that doesn't mean they don't catch up to you. Lyndsay Soprano (14:59.904) for sure, mean, the body keeps score. But lies can also be the truths in these particular types of settings and moments because they have to be for our loved ones. And sometimes we have to do them to ourselves. yesterday, I was talking to Julie right before the episode. I was a P9 yesterday for those people that don't understand what a P9 is. It is you are incapable of functioning. Julie Barth (15:23.064) Yeah. Lyndsay Soprano (15:23.172) And with my personality type sticking me in a bed and making me lay there all day and not being able to do anything. And I know I've got 700 things to do and I got to take care of all these people and all these things. And we're in construction, all the, you know, just name all the stupid things. Most of which are first world problems, but nonetheless, they're still first word problems. I'm there and I'm laying there and I'm like, I had to cancel all of last week, which I never cancel on anybody for the show. I cancel on everybody else in my life. Julie Barth (15:45.934) You Lyndsay Soprano (15:48.664) But when it comes to this damn show, I don't cancel. And I had to cancel last week and I had to cancel yesterday. And I was like, there's no freaking way I am canceling on Julia today. And I'm so grateful for you coming into my space, not only today, but on our meet and greet as well and further. But your resilience and what you've been through and you haven't even touched on yet the next part of it, which we're going to get into. I just I just want to give you some kudos on that. All right. And also the fact that she is sitting in front of her toaster oven right now. Julie Barth (16:18.376) It's actually convection oven. I'll have you know and it doesn't work. Lyndsay Soprano (16:20.948) my bad, my bad, convection oven. And then also we've got popcorn makers, we've got Coke machines. We've also got a bunch of bottles of wine, which I think you should have been drinking from day one having six fricking kids. Julie Barth (16:31.822) But you're assuming, you're assuming I didn't. Don't make those kind of assumptions about people. Yeah, they're all empty. just re-recapped them. Yeah, like when, you know, I used to live below a bar and when they would take the, you know, the bottles, I'll clink, clink, clink. Sometimes when I take my bottles out, I'm like, I hope people can't hear that. Lyndsay Soprano (16:35.758) That's true. Those have just been sitting there as props. The rest of the bottles are in your garbage cans. The recycle bin is full. Lyndsay Soprano (16:51.975) yeah. Lyndsay Soprano (16:56.136) I know I feel the same way sometimes. Mine are mostly just Prosecco because it's all I drink, but I used to live above a bar too and I used to work at the bar as well. So I would go up and down and up and down. It was such a great life when you're in your early 20s. You forget. No, God, our 40s are challenging. Alright, so what's next? So what's next going on here? my gosh. Julie Barth (17:09.76) It really is. It is. Yeah. Not so much when you're in your 40s. I know. OK. Julie Barth (17:21.294) Okay, so, you know, after Colin passed away, we lived in a fantastic town full of very, very involved people. Everyone knows, because we grew up in the same town, we married, you know, moved back to the same town. And it's one of those towns that's still like that, you know, people marry people from high school. And I don't know, there's something about it. It's just this space. It's outside of Chicago, but the people are amazing. They threw fundraisers for us and everyone was highly involved. You know, the longer it went on, the more people just kind of went back to their lives. you know, when you can't sit in someone's trauma, so they, they moved on. Yeah. yeah, I mean, it has to be, but, you know, when he passed away, I think everyone was like, okay, I'm now is my time to grieve. And I kind of was like, I've been grieving for 16 months. You know, I've watched every single part of him slip away. So. Lyndsay Soprano (17:59.234) Yeah, you're forgotten. Yep, yep. And that's okay. Julie Barth (18:18.606) I felt like I just, couldn't sit in it anymore. You we would go to the grocery store and people would cry when they saw me or like I'd say, Hey, I'm Julie Barth and that look would come over their face like, Oh, you know, I'm so sorry. And rightly so, rightly so. Um, but I couldn't handle it anymore. I just, needed to move. needed to get out of there. Um, right or wrong. Everyone wanted me, you know, slow down, take time to grieve. And I, I, I, I emotionally was not at a place that I could, even if I wanted to process it all and whatever that means or grieve or whatever people think you should do. That's not what I could be held into. So there was a gentleman that started working at my house. He was very young. He was very cute. And I had missed my thirties, you know, like I spent five years nursing Tatum and being a mom, the nursing Tatum, the nursing, I lost a decade of my life. And I just wanted to move forward and Colin and I always wanted this big family. And I felt like the clock was ticking and I wanted to have more children. I wanted the dream that I felt somebody took from me. That is the dream I wanted to have. So I got together with somebody who was much younger, didn't really care much about me, didn't want me to talk about my sadness, really didn't even care if I talked at all, if I want to be honest. And at the time it was so freeing. You know, that was exactly what I thought I needed at the time. And I thought, oh, he just doesn't want to push me. He doesn't want to make me uncomfortable. didn't see what I saw later on is that he really just didn't care. At the time, it seemed like he was doing it for my benefit, not his own. But so we ended up getting together and I thought it was a great idea to just pick up all my children and move across the country, have another child, leave everyone behind and just put me in the past. no longer wanted to be Julie Barth. I wanted to become this new person. And that's kind of what we did. We just picked up, left, moved to a mountain and sadly had my first daughter and then Tatum, the special needs daughter who, you know, was fine for a bit actually ended up coming down with a rare form of cancer. Julie Barth (20:34.518) that is completely unrelated to her start or anything she went through. It wasn't from radiation, it wasn't from surgeries that she had had, it's something that, ready for it, it happens. There were 30 cases that year of this type of cancer. It happens 99 % in geriatric patients, senior citizens. yeah, so Tatum, who's 13, ends up getting this rare form of connective tissue cancer. So it took a long time to figure out what it was, because they thought it was a blood clot when they removed it. But they led to another seven surgeries where they had to remove her torso and then graft her legs. had balloons in her legs to graft to her skin. so that was probably, it went on for about eight or nine months, just getting her to a place where, you know, and I lost a lot of her because she was really healing. But, you talk about resilience. Here's this kid who was born into the NICU. finally has all these surgeries, traveled around the country, you and she's always entertaining everybody else and had this positive spirit and just like, didn't care. I'm making this work. And then I when she got hit with cancer, rightly so, it was almost like, this is bullshit. I'm out. Like, I'm not doing this anymore. Yeah. Yeah. I, yeah, like I was fine, but. Lyndsay Soprano (21:48.644) Totally. You got that right, Tatum. Total bullshit. You're like, give me a break right now, bro. Julie Barth (22:01.39) This is it. I am, you know, so we lost a little bit of her positivity and I'm happy to say that she has rebuilt a lot, but she still has obviously a lot of anxiety and you can't even blame her for it. You know, she's 24 pounds, 24, 24 pounds and she's... Lyndsay Soprano (22:01.812) my. Poor baby. Lyndsay Soprano (22:20.112) That's 24 years old, 24 pounds guys. And 40 plus surgeries, is that where we're at now? I'm trying to count. I've been trying to like, okay, she carried nine, carry the one. Like it looks like it's about 40 plus surgeries per hour conversation. That's insane. my God. Julie Barth (22:23.938) Yeah. would that be? Yeah, yeah, probably if you combine the two. Julie Barth (22:36.346) Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was, it was. you know, the whole time, I was really when I started to, you know, I've always felt the loss of Colin in my life. But during those months, my second husband couldn't be bothered. I don't even think he came to the hospital. wasn't even around to watch the kids. And I'm, you know, and I just sat there thinking, what have I done? I've left my house, left my friends, lost my family. And, you know, it wasn't one of those like, I'll write. was see later. I'm not writing. I'm gone. I'm poof. I'd be gone. So, yeah, it was, it was a difficult time. and we were sitting up on a mountain. So, you know, remember that person I told you about that was like, you know, what's a good time for it was good time to have another child. I was going to solve it all by having another child and thank God I did. Thank God I did. No. Lyndsay Soprano (23:29.956) This is where I lose you, Julie. Julie Barth (23:33.546) Don't don't leave me yet, Lindsay. Don't leave me yet. Lyndsay Soprano (23:35.332) I'm kidding. I'm talking about the kids. I'm like Jesus five was enough Julie Barth (23:42.336) is never, it's actually 6'8 is enough, if you want to be honest, because that was the show. Lyndsay Soprano (23:45.297) my God, you're crazy. You are nuts and I love you for it. Julie Barth (23:51.163) Somebody's got to, somebody's got to. So, Bonnie got pregnant, or I got pregnant with our second daughter and together. And at that point, I had had enough of the isolation in the mountain and we ended up, there was a lot going on in between all of that. He started revealing who he was. He, was going back home and telling everyone that I was mentally unstable, which was I? Probably I was dealing, yeah, I was dealing with like. Lyndsay Soprano (24:22.946) I mean, we might be a little bit. I feel mentally unstable just thinking about living in your poor life. My baby, my God, I feel so. Julie Barth (24:30.312) yeah. And so, know, here, the person that's supposed to be at your side supporting you was the very person that was destroying me. He would disappear on me. I was up on this mountain with five kids, one who's now going through cancer treatment. My mom's not there. I lost my sister because I left her and, you know, back in Chicago, all of my friends from grammar school. And they chose to believe what he was saying. So. You know, I guess that was hurtful because I thought you've known me my entire life and you're so willing to think that I've just gone off the deep end and I'm broken, you know, and believe this person that you've known never. Yeah, and didn't like him. Like, if we're going to be honest, you everyone was like, he's a bad idea. But, you know, the first people to say, oh, well, maybe she is crazy. and I'm assuming that. Lyndsay Soprano (25:12.014) for two minutes, yeah. Julie Barth (25:24.972) because I dropped it. I didn't have the strength to do this apology tour all the time and to prove to everyone, you know, it's like that guy in prison who says, I'm not, yeah, I'm innocent. Probably not innocent, but you know, that's how I felt when I was like, I'm not crazy. Everyone's like, gotcha, yeah. You know, sure you're not, sure you're not. Lyndsay Soprano (25:42.788) Wank, wank. I'm sure we're all a little crazy, Julie. I feel like I'm that shit half of the time and I haven't dealt with any of that. I mean, I've gone through my stuff too and this is never a comparison on the show. There's something I need to put in here right now. Cause one of the things that I have in my life is I have people who are like, oh my God, my back hurts. And then they're like, oh God, I'm so sorry. I don't mean to complain. I'm like, please, please tell me that you are also living in pain. Julie Barth (25:48.119) I, yeah. Julie Barth (25:53.101) Yeah. Lyndsay Soprano (26:09.612) and experiencing the human experience with me. It sucks sometimes, it does, but there's the good that we push through to get to, again, because we've, all of us have experienced it, because if we hadn't, I would have given up a long time ago. No chance, absolutely, no chance. So there's all good. You and I are great right now. This is amazing. This is why we're going through it, yeah. Julie Barth (26:09.855) Amen. Julie Barth (26:23.512) Yeah. Yeah. Julie Barth (26:29.526) Yeah, and to your point, yeah, and to your point when people are like, oh, I don't want to tell you my bad, you've got enough going on. Everybody stops telling you they're bad. And then you're like, oh my God, I'm the only person going through bad times right now because nobody wants to like come to and then they just avoid you because they're like, oh, I don't know what to say to her. Gosh, her, you know, and my problems are nothing. And, you know, we have nothing. I feel like I'm going to say the wrong thing or I feel like. Lyndsay Soprano (26:43.33) Great! Lyndsay Soprano (26:49.476) She's gonna cry, I don't know what's gonna happen. She's too, yeah, yep. Lyndsay Soprano (26:57.358) So knock this off, people, from Julie and Lindsay. We are telling you to knock it off. We want to hear your pain and suffering. Julie Barth (27:03.916) Yeah. I want to hear that you have a miserable life. We do. The worse, the better. Call me. Because you know what? I usually am that person that you go, well, at least I'm not Julie. I don't like it when I can say, at least I'm not Lindsay. offense. I would like to be you, Lindsay. I'm just using that as like... I... Yes. Lyndsay Soprano (27:07.658) We do! Please. Lyndsay Soprano (27:21.838) Perfect. would love you to say, yeah, yesterday you would definitely have not liked to be Lindsay. You would have been like, I don't know how. And to see from yesterday to today how quickly pain shifts in our bodies every day, especially when you live with this rare pain condition, it's like, you can't even let your brain can't process how much pain you're in. So you like make fun of it. At least that's how I do it. I make fun of it, I get depraved. I did an episode a couple of weeks ago that dropped about suicidal ideation because you talk about wanting to kill yourself when you're in that kind of pain, whether it's emotional pain, traumatic pain, physical pain, all of it together, you think about it. And if you are sitting here listening to this episode and you've never actually thought about it in these deep, dark places, I am so grateful that you've never been to that place. Julie Barth (27:51.618) Yeah. Julie Barth (28:19.369) Yeah. Lyndsay Soprano (28:19.822) But there are a lot of us that are here that have gone through these thoughts, that have had these experiences. Does it mean that we're gonna act on it? 99 % of us is a no. I'm talking to the 1 % of us that we need to go, whoa, there's 99 % of us that are talking about it we're not doing it. But it's really scary when you go in those dark and twisty places and you think you're very alone in it. So it is important for us to make sure that Julie and Lindsay are not alone in the loneliness that comes from pain. Julie Barth (28:41.69) Yeah. Julie Barth (28:49.264) Yeah, and the shocking things that you say. Lyndsay Soprano (28:49.624) because it is lonely. No matter how many children you have, no matter how many dogs you have, no matter how many convection ovens and popcorn makers you have, she looks around in her kitchen, we still need that validation that it's okay to feel like shit every now and again. And sometimes it's every day for a bit of a time. And we just, you know, we got to give our pain purpose. And so that's why you and I are sitting here. Julie Barth (29:15.502) Yeah, and you know what? Let me be a complete drama queen. Let me say, don't be shocked when I say, you know what? It would just be better if I was not here anymore. Like, that should not shock you. It should, like, you should say, I get it. Like, because I don't mean it. I mean it in that moment because it is so painful to be in that moment that you think, I don't want to die. I just don't want to be here right now. Lyndsay Soprano (29:21.348) Absolutely. Lyndsay Soprano (29:26.371) Yep. Yep. Julie Barth (29:44.14) Like I don't wanna be experiencing what I'm experiencing right now. So when people say stuff, hey, you know, I am not saying don't, you know, if somebody says that, absolutely act on it. But for somebody who are in those conditions all the time, yes, I would love to not be here. And for other people that might shine shocking and desperate and it is. Lyndsay Soprano (30:10.06) And weak. Yeah. Julie Barth (30:10.36) But that doesn't mean that you're not gonna wake up the next day and be like, okay, I let it all out. I gave myself pity party. I enjoy the friends that will come over and not say, not try to pick me up. How about if you don't try and pick me up today? How about if you just come over and say, fuck, your life sucks and I get it. Seriously, it's okay to say my life sucks, it does. Lyndsay Soprano (30:37.476) Totally, like this completely blows. Like I do not want to be you. At least say it. Don't be like, of the things I hate about this, everything's gonna be okay. Bite me. I am so sick of that. Like, why don't you do this? I'm giving you guys a homework assignment for me and my body. I don't know. Research how to help CRPS. I get very little from anybody in my life that are trying to research and help. Julie Barth (30:45.41) Come on, everything will be fine. Lyndsay Soprano (31:07.438) So if you're sitting here and you're complaining about the fact that I live in pain and you're not doing anything to help me accept hope you're feeling better today, kind of like bite me. Julie Barth (31:19.318) How about this one? How about this? If you need anything, let me know. I always say, well, a bag of money would be nice. Lyndsay Soprano (31:23.014) that's one of my favorites. I've got 72,000 appointments that you need to make for me and then go to and explain my situation on behalf of me and let me know how that works out for you. I don't need chicken noodle soup. Julie Barth (31:36.302) Yeah, and it's not that I don't appreciate, know, no, don't ever bring, first of all, can we talk about soup? It's either gotta be a liquid or a solid. I don't need both. I cannot figure out which one I want, but I do not want them together. Lyndsay Soprano (31:50.456) And it better not be gazpacho, because gazpacho is cold, which means it's not soup. Julie Barth (31:56.81) no, well, it's yeah. Okay. That's next week. That's next week. Yes. Yes. Well, and I do think that that's one of my biggest things to people is like, it's okay to tell me you're down. In fact, call and bitch to me. That is your assignment tomorrow. Call, talk my ear off and tell me how horrible your life is. Because when I know that I can make you feel better and I want it. Lyndsay Soprano (31:57.396) This is not turning into a food show, Julie. Let's, let's, we're, I'm taking us on a tangent. This is my fault. I'm pulling us back in, but it was good though. We needed it. Julie Barth (32:26.264) be that friend to you. And it makes me feel better because I'm useful in the world. I'm still useful. And yeah, so for people out there saying, I don't want to call her. She's good enough on a plate. If you don't call, it's worse. OK, so that was my soapbox. Lyndsay Soprano (32:41.102) Thank you. And we did a very good soapbox together, I'm not gonna lie. That's maybe Academy Award winning. Julie Barth (32:47.406) Well, we'll enter that later, but we'll talk about this afterward. Lyndsay Soprano (32:49.336) I will send you a trophy to whatever mountain town you move to. Julie Barth (32:54.062) As long as I actually participate because I don't like those part, you know, the when you get participation trophies now you you either win or you just get out like I'm not doing that. Lyndsay Soprano (32:58.902) No, I don't either. I don't either. I agree with you. That's exactly right. Nobody won the entire game. All right. So we've got, we're stuck with the gross, disgusting, horrible man that you chose. And right. And we are now done with him. Can we talk about how we got rid of him once and for all and move on from this mofo? Julie Barth (33:08.398) Alright. Julie Barth (33:15.532) It was gross, disgusting, and horrible. Julie Barth (33:23.982) So yeah, I mean, I kept trying to fix it, fix it as anyone will. And it was shameful. And I did, I started saying, my gosh, I am crazy. Like I was chasing, I was crying. I would say, out one minute. And the next minute I was like, don't leave. So yes, I turned into somebody I don't recognize. I don't know who that is. And you know, I would just sit and cry and cry and cry and cry and You know, the friends in my life are probably the ones that stuck around were probably like, and they said to me like, you know, you can't tell someone when they're in that situation. If someone had said to me, he was horrible. I would have been like, that's my husband. So, you know, you have to approach it with a very fine balance. But I did, I ended up isolating myself doing a whole lot of crazy stuff, like whole lot of crazy shit and wondering, am I insane? That was probably one of the biggest questions. so when he left me the first time, yes, there were many ladies. I begged it. I didn't beg him back the first time that he truly walked away. said, okay, I'm getting my life together. That's it. And within six months where, I obviously was nowhere near European Lindsay, but I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. My relationship with him was so bad that I use where I used to run 10 miles a day. I couldn't run to the mailbox. I couldn't breathe. My spine was twisting. I needed massage. I tried acupuncture. I couldn't get out of bed and there was no cause for it. I mean, no physical cause for it. I went from doctor to doctor to doctor, what's going on? And of course they were like, oh, it's the trauma from your first husband, know, not knowing that or recognizing that my second husband was really the trauma. And so I started taking muscle relaxants. Well, then he consulted a lawyer, I guess, during that first that we split up and after six months I was back to running. was, you know, having that little light that was put out by him was starting to ignite again and I was feeling myself. All the crazy was gone. My head was clear and he came back and said, all right, well, if you want to keep begging me back, I guess I'll come back. And was so miserable, which is the reason that I got with him the first place because I thought I could save him, that I felt guilty and I... Julie Barth (35:51.074) let him come back. Not knowing that the reason he came back was because he, which I found out later, consulted a lawyer, which I didn't find out until I tried to consult the first law, the same lawyer. he said, your husband came to me two years ago or one year ago, which I didn't know behind my back. had consulted an attorney who told him that he was not going to get anything because he was not a good person. So he came back and he started a campaign where he started videotaping me. Lyndsay Soprano (35:54.34) It's only you. Julie Barth (36:21.112) He would push my buttons and then record everything I did. He was sending my text messages out to all of his friends and making notes of all the muscle relaxers I was taking or whatever it was, documenting he hired when we finally... So he was doing all that. And my son, who all of my children are very upset. He was very abusive to all my children, not his, but he wasn't great to them either, if I wanna be honest. But I have a son in particular who is the third one down who to this day I have to give him thanks every day He finally sat me down and he said mom. I don't understand why you keep letting him back He has threatened to kill you. He is threatened to kill me. I've lost my childhood I have slept with a weapon of sorts underneath my bed I don't come out of my room and I don't understand why you keep choosing him over us and and that very moment I recognized that if I couldn't love myself or get the courage up to protect myself, then I need to get out of it for my kids. And that was the end, the beginning of the end when I walked away. So we had had paper drawn up like the first time we separated and he said, I don't want anything. I'm not coming for anything. And mind you, everything was mine. I paid for the house. He never had a job. He stole all my money, put it up his nose or he gambled it away. Lyndsay Soprano (37:43.812) Of Of course. Julie Barth (37:49.47) And he came for me wanting half the house because South Carolina is so awesome that you get half of a marital. yeah, I was a drug addict. was an alcoholic. I was abusive down to in this. thought about the other day because this is what really got me. And this is ridiculous. He accused me of abusing our dogs. That's when I was like, you've gone too far. I love my children, but don't ever accuse me of. Lyndsay Soprano (37:54.912) And you're the crazy person in the conversation. Lyndsay Soprano (38:15.332) What? That's exactly right. You can drown my kid, but you touch my dog, I will stab a bitch. Julie Barth (38:19.298) feeding a dog. Julie Barth (38:25.967) Yeah, I mean, well, I guess I was like, you know. Lyndsay Soprano (38:28.366) Sorry, Tatum and the other five, but you know what I'm saying. Julie Barth (38:31.456) Yeah, yeah, how dare you? Yeah, so, and it was like, well, it was like everything he was doing, he was putting onto me because he was, he almost killed one of our dogs and choked out a dog in front of our youngest daughter. So, you know, I think it all's good. Lyndsay Soprano (38:34.404) Oh my God. People be crazy, you know? Julie Barth (38:54.44) I won the house, not won, I got to keep my house. I had to pay him off a whole lot of money, but it's amazing how when you give people the money that they want to put up their nose, they tend to leave. And that's what happened. So, yes, yes. Lyndsay Soprano (39:05.595) Good. Well, I'm glad that they're out of here or he's out. I feel like he's there because they've got so he's got so many things going on within him. We all do to a certain extent. I always am proud to be a Gemini because I've got two of me going on. So I have an excuse. Thank you. But I'm glad that that a hole is out of your life and your kids lives and your dog's lives. More importantly, I mean, my God. Julie Barth (39:14.349) Yes. Julie Barth (39:19.168) It's beautiful. That is beautiful. I just wanted to be one. Julie Barth (39:27.96) Seriously. And I get to keep the dogs, so all of them, yeah. Lyndsay Soprano (39:30.99) Thank you. My dog was in, my first dog was in my divorce papers and my two other dogs were in my second divorce papers. Cause I'm like, you can take everything in this house. don't care. You are not taking my dog from me. So as you've gone through all of this and you're sitting on, because you've aged us early on this episode talking about AOL and dial-up. So thank you very much for that. We're also going to bring in the Blackberry to the conversation for us. Julie Barth (39:39.382) We gotta keep the dog. Julie Barth (39:54.19) I'm sorry. Yeah, you're welcome. We are. I mean, what, who didn't have? Yes, they do. They do. Yes. Lyndsay Soprano (40:01.186) You've got these books, you've got these three beautiful books, right? And they've come, they've gone through all of these stages, notes from a Blackberry, from Blackberries to Thorns, from Thorns to Blossoms, which I love that cadence of that, of your titles, it's really beautiful. And I'd like to touch on that a little bit before we hit the dusty trail here, because I know we're hitting on time. But I wanna give you some time to talk about your books, especially about... Julie Barth (40:14.709) Thank you. Lyndsay Soprano (40:25.55) how that came from the title of the Blackberry. We're all gonna know from a technological perspective except for my husband, because he doesn't know what a Blackberry is outside of a fruit in the refrigerator. And you're welcome, honey. You know, it's true. So, notes from a Blackberry. How did this all begin? And now here we are, we're blossoming. Julie Barth (40:42.878) Yeah, so, well, actually I wrote it 15 years ago. So when Colleen was very sick, he would go down to chemo on Tuesdays and I was like, this is great. It's gonna be, because we had four kids running around, Tatum, you know, I was like, it's gonna be our time to reconnect. And, you know, obviously we got down there and he was so sick that he would, they, start chemo and I would sit there for an hour and half and if I moved, he would get very, very upset with me for good, you know. So I would sit and I sort of, I had so much like trauma in me from Tatum and I wasn't a writer, but I had always like gravitated toward writing. So I started writing her story just to like process it all, figure out what happened here. And so I started really from, you know, when I was a kid and all the way up to, and then it just flowed into Colin's story and it ended, when Colin died, but it sat on my computer. took all of those. I would type it on my BlackBerry and email it back to myself. hey, God, God, I know. Lyndsay Soprano (41:37.07) Thank you. I'm waiting for the... Jesus Louise woman, follow the bouncing ball. I mean, I couldn't have, I couldn't have planted that right into the... Julie Barth (41:47.758) Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, I'm getting there, I'm getting there. I'm getting there, I swear. So yes, I'm a Blackberry, headed on my Blackberry, Blackberry, Blackberry, and I emailed it back to myself and then I pieced it together. And I did, I stressed over like, what would I call it, what could I call it? But I thought notes from a Blackberry, because it's like a double entendre, because Blackberries kind of have thorns and stuff, and then, know, Blackberry, Blackberry. So I thought I could, people would be intrigued by, well, what does that mean? So. Lyndsay Soprano (41:50.18) Don't apologize, it's fine, Jules, it's fine. Julie Barth (42:14.136) Hopefully people are intrigued, nine marks, I just explained it. But yes, that is why our notes from Blackberry came from. And it is very raw and it was written real time. It's not a fantastically happy uplifting, well, I hope it's uplifting. I'm gonna cut back on that. But it is a testament to Colin. I never meant to release it, but after reading it, I didn't read it for 10 years. I couldn't unpack it. Second husband told me I was too stupid to write anything, so I kind of believed him. But after he left, yeah, we don't know yet. Yeah. After he left, I pieced it together and I thought, you know what, the world needs, because I had always said to Colin, like, something good needs to come out of all of your suffering because I cannot imagine suffering like that in anyone. And I, I've forgotten a lot of it, I'm sure, because you don't want to remember. But read the book, my daughter Tatum, who is 20, Lyndsay Soprano (42:45.252) Well, we don't like him, so don't worry about him. Julie Barth (43:10.158) especially his daughter, she is an artist and I looked at her art and I was like, oh my gosh, that's fantastic. It's self-taught everything. So I created a website for her. got released in a book to, know, tell of Collins Courage and then Tatum's Art and the art goes to fund what I opened up, which is the Colin James Barth Outreach Program. And it is formed to help women who are in different crisis situations and that's to help the 20 Julies, either the special needs parent who couldn't get the necessary medicines because I didn't have money or the caregiver in me who had four small children and a husband who has cancer or the abused woman who couldn't afford a lawyer. so that's what we do. We come in and if you are in crisis, our job is to be kind of like a concierge service. So we take it apart. tell you, this is what you're eligible for, call here. So we take out the, you know, when crisis hits, you don't even know what to do. So we give you the steps. We have databases. You need an education, okay. This is what you're eligible for. You need housing, okay. Because there are so many services out there, like so many services, but finding them, ugh, it's like a needle in the haystack. And we always go straight to the government. don't get me wrong, or don't get me started, or wrong. You know, the government programs are there, but you have to lose everything to get anything. So our charity was founded on the belief that we should keep you where you are and help you soar rather than you have to take a vow of poverty and now we'll help you. So that was it in nutshell. Hopefully I went real fast, but. Lyndsay Soprano (44:43.896) Yes. Lyndsay Soprano (44:58.21) No, was really, no, no, that was, well, I didn't mean to rush you through that. I absolutely loved all of it. And what's so neat is I'm glad that you brought up Tatum's art, because I was going to talk about it, because she's got a couple of different websites that are out there, obviously. She's trying to help all of these people. Women in crisis for sure. And you talking about the government and you have to lose it all until you get help makes me really sad. Just like my heart breaks even hearing that statement, but it is totally true. I remember being in crisis and domestic violence and what I had to do to get out and there was no freaking way I was getting any help from anybody, even like my parents, because nobody really truly believed what was going on. And it was like, okay, well, I did not break the staircase. My face did, but I didn't. Julie Barth (45:35.862) Ciao. Julie Barth (45:43.083) Yeah, how about this one? Lyndsay Soprano (45:47.874) Like I'm not dreaming up this kind of crap. know, like what would I have a reason to dream it up? I mean, I'm sure there are people that are out there that have skewed this version, but in a very, very small percentage of people, I think that would be manipulating something like this. But nonetheless, she has been doing so much work. So if you want to reach out in any way, or form to help, Julie Barth author.com is her website. We're obviously we're gonna put all this in show notes and social media, of course. Julie Barth (45:50.402) Enough. Lyndsay Soprano (46:15.714) And then there's in regards to Tatum's art, it's Hope, the number four, Tate, t-a-y-t.com. And that's where her art is. You can see it's beautiful. And it's the covers of her books. It's such a beautiful thing that she's done. And then to help and to support the column Outreach as well, it's CJB, as in badass, outreach.org. And then she's all over social as well on Facebook and Instagram on Julie Barth. And you can find it because everybody's adding. underscores and hyphens and all this, whatever, drives me nuts. But we will have all the things posted for you guys so you guys can take a peek at her, take a look at her, support her, her family, and keep in mind the messages that we've talked about today, especially with Julie, like, Amy, tell us about your pain. Talk to us. If you keep it in, it's gonna make you more sick. It's gonna make you more ill. It's gonna cause more chronic pain issues. That's why we're having these conversations and it's horrible that we're having them. but it's better that we're having them now. Julie Barth (47:15.085) Yeah, yeah. And the one thing that I do want to touch on too is like, I know that a lot of people stay in bad situations, including me, because I would wake up in the middle of the night thinking, my God, I'm going to lose it all. I'm going to lose everything. If I leave him, people aren't going to believe me. I'm going to lose my friends. I'm going to lose. And you know what? I did. I lost, but what I lost? was what was keeping me stuck to begin with because I never really had those friends if they couldn't listen to me and they didn't want to know they weren't my friends. All the things that I thought I needed, know, whether it was the car or the house, I would rather live in a trailer than to ever be treated like that again. And in the end, my very, very, very, very worst day today, and I've had some pretty dark days, are 10 times better than my very best day for an entire decade being treated horribly and It's just, it is not worth it. Even if you have to lose it all, those things that you think you need are, you don't need. And you have to get beyond it to see it, unfortunately. But don't live in fear of the unknown and stay in something, because the devil you know is still the devil. Lyndsay Soprano (48:25.764) Well, I was gonna ask you what you wanted to leave our listeners with before we hit the dusty trail, but you just did it. So thank you and well done. Thank you. You did good. You did good. Thank you. And from P9 yesterday today for a P7 today, I did it. And I'm so glad that you were here today with me. This has been amazing and it's such a good conversation with you again. And I'm so glad that you're in my life. I'm so grateful. Thank you so much, Julie, for being here for us, for yourself. Julie Barth (48:32.654) Sure, I thought I'd save you that. Thanks. Julie Barth (48:51.552) Same. Same. Lyndsay Soprano (48:53.838) for your children, for the rest of your life, and for my audience as well. Because if you didn't get touched by this episode, then you can just stop listening. Okay, don't stop, because I need the downloads in the episode. Just some go time. Julie Barth (49:04.238) Well, don't go that far. Don't go that far. Hey, how about this? Continue to subscribe and just don't listen. Lyndsay Soprano (49:11.416) There we go. Like every episode, review it, be positive, yes. All right, well, I love you to death, my girl. Thank you for being here with me today and you've got a forever friend in me, that's for sure. So before we jam out here, guys, I have a new bite-sized extension of the Pain Game podcast called Pain Bites. What cracked you open this week? What stitched you back together? Because we always have to stitch ourselves back together, no matter what the scars might look like. Julie Barth (49:14.894) All right. I love you too. Yes. You too, you too. Lyndsay Soprano (49:38.562) What moment made you unravel? What kept you fighting? I wanna hear it, I wanna hear from you. So there's a spot on Insta, just go to my bio, click on it, and there's a little place in there that you can submit your pain bite, just quick and dirty. Just don't get stressed out over it. Just record a quick little voice note of something that you would like to share on my show, and then I'm gonna highlight you on it. Let me speak it out loud for you, one raw honest pain bite at a time. You are exclusively invited to share this thorns to blossoms VIP pain journey together. Let's get to the heart of how to heal with you by my side. Please follow the pain game podcast wherever you digest your podcast content. We will be there. Visit us at thepaingamepodcast.com and follow us on all the socials. Thanks for listening my little VIPs. Catch you on the other side.