Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #272 Are Your Kids "Entitled"?

Transcript

#272 Are Your Kids "Entitled"? · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
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  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just once answers me out.
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  Speaker 2: When I think about ingratitude and entitlement, what I do
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  Speaker 2: automatically is I go back to what research and ancient
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  Speaker 2: wisdom tell us about the importance of gratitude. This is
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  Speaker 2: a virtue, This is a characteristic of more refined, more
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  Speaker 2: elevated people.
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  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, My mum
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  Speaker 1: and dad.
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  Speaker 2: Hi, he you seem like you're in a great mood today.
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  Speaker 2: I love Monday's Happy Monday. You weren't in a great
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  Speaker 2: mood the other day when one of the kids got
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  Speaker 2: cranky at you because you didn't know where her music was.
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  Speaker 3: What is it with that?
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  Speaker 4: Clearly I moved it just to make your life hard.
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  Speaker 3: That's right.
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  Speaker 2: Sometimes we wake up and we think that the kids
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  Speaker 2: decided that they were going to make our lives help.
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  Speaker 2: But sometimes I think that they wake up thinking we
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  Speaker 2: are really doing our best to ruin their lives.
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  Speaker 3: I don't get it the kids.
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  Speaker 2: They'll turn and I'll be like, do you know where
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  Speaker 2: my shoes are? Or do you know where my lunchbox is?
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  Speaker 2: Or do you know where my school baggage, or do
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  Speaker 2: you know who my swimming stuff is? And I'm like,
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  Speaker 2: why are you asking me?
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  Speaker 3: Like?
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  Speaker 2: Whose stuff is it? Do I ever ask you where
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  Speaker 2: my stuff is? And they look at me like I'm
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  Speaker 2: from another planet.
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  Speaker 5: Well you do ask me a lot where you're sunnglasses
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  Speaker 5: are or your wallet. But that's another story.
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  Speaker 3: Thank you for raising that.
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  Speaker 1: Oh.
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  Speaker 2: By the way, I'm justin here with Kylie, my wife.
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  Speaker 2: We're the parents of six kids. I've written a bunch
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  Speaker 2: of books about raising happy families and are on a
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  Speaker 2: website called happy families dot com dot au. Today we're
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  Speaker 2: talking about entitled kids. How do you know if you're
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  Speaker 2: raising on what can you do to make sure that
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  Speaker 2: you don't raise one? And what's the problem with being entitled?
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  Speaker 3: Anyway?
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  Speaker 5: It is a problem.
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  Speaker 3: You sound really confident about that. What's the problem with
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  Speaker 3: raising entitled kids?
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  Speaker 2: Kids that think that they deserve everything and that everyone
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  Speaker 2: should do stuff for them.
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  Speaker 3: Is that a real problem?
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  Speaker 5: It's a huge problem.
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  Speaker 4: It's really really hard when as a parent, every waking
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  Speaker 4: moment is spent thinking about how to make your children's
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  Speaker 4: lives as comfortable as possible.
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  Speaker 5: You want to make.
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  Speaker 4: Sure that they've got to where and they've got food
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  Speaker 4: on the table and that they can get to, you know,
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  Speaker 4: the music lessons or the swimming lessons or whatever else
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  Speaker 4: it is that they're doing. And sometimes our kids just
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  Speaker 4: expect that everything is going to be done for them,
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  Speaker 4: that they're not responsible for any of it, Like where's
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  Speaker 4: my music books or where's my flippers? Or I don't
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  Speaker 4: use them? But why am I responsible for all of that?
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  Speaker 4: As well as ensuring that you get from A to
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  Speaker 4: B because you're ten and you can't get there on
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  Speaker 4: your own, do I have to look after your flippers
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  Speaker 4: as well?
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  Speaker 2: When I think about ingratitude and entitlement, what I do
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: automatically is I go back to what research and ancient
• 2:38
  Speaker 2: wisdom tell us about the importance of gratitude. This is
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  Speaker 2: a virtue, This is a characteristic of what I would
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  Speaker 2: call more refined, more elevated people over the centuries. And
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  Speaker 2: there's this acknowledgment that a person who takes everything for
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  Speaker 2: granted and has high expectations, they actually don't fit in
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  Speaker 2: well in society. It's almost like it's an unspoken reality
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  Speaker 2: that gratitude is simply it's important, not only because it
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  Speaker 2: helps us to feel good, but it inspires us to
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  Speaker 2: do good, and when we come across in gratitude, it
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  Speaker 2: makes us feel like we're taken for granted, like we're unimportant,
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  Speaker 2: like we're just an object. We're a slave in that
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  Speaker 2: person's life. And that's the big drama when it comes
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  Speaker 2: to entitlement our children. It's important as a society we
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  Speaker 2: value people valuing contribution. So I thought it'd be really
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  Speaker 2: interesting to talk about a handful of ways that you
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  Speaker 2: can tell if your kids are entitled.
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  Speaker 5: Some red flags, some red flags.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah yeah.
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  Speaker 2: So I was going through the list of different things
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  Speaker 2: that we could throw in there, and the first one
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  Speaker 2: that I thought was just the expectation that someone else
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  Speaker 2: is going to.
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  Speaker 5: Do it for me, Like where are my flippers?
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  Speaker 3: Yeah? Yeah, yeah.
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  Speaker 2: I'm just astounded at how often the kids say to me,
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  Speaker 2: where's this? And I'm like, why haven't Every now and
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  Speaker 2: again one of the kids will say to us, why
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  Speaker 2: haven't you done that for me? I'm like, where is
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  Speaker 2: it in my job description that that's my job?
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  Speaker 3: Now?
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  Speaker 2: Now, let's be clear, if you're too I think that
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  Speaker 2: it's reasonable that you would have an expectation that someone
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  Speaker 2: else is going to do it all for you and
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  Speaker 2: even if you're four or five or seven, there are
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  Speaker 2: many things that you still kind of need a lot
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  Speaker 2: of help with. So developmentally, it's important that we recognize
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  Speaker 2: that children do need us to do stuff.
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  Speaker 3: But that's the first red flag. The older they get,
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  Speaker 3: the more they expect a little bit of a concern.
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  Speaker 4: I think another red flag is definitely when we don't
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  Speaker 4: involve our kids in chores or duties around the house.
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  Speaker 4: They just again, they just expect that the washing is
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  Speaker 4: going to end up on their bed, clean, folded and ironed.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, I keep on talking over you because I'm so
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  Speaker 2: passionate about what you've just said. But it's not about
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  Speaker 2: us not involving them, it's about them refusing. Just again,
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  Speaker 2: it's that expectation someone else can do it, and you
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  Speaker 2: want me to weed.
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  Speaker 3: I don't weed. Have you seen my nails? I don't
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  Speaker 3: get my hands dirty like that.
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  Speaker 2: It's that kind of thing. So not having chores, totally
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  Speaker 2: expecting someone else to do it. There are a couple
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  Speaker 2: of other things that I thought, and you've probably got
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  Speaker 2: the one on your list as well.
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  Speaker 3: So a third sign that you're.
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  Speaker 2: Raising an entitled child is when you tell them no
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  Speaker 2: and they just can't take it, like, but why not?
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  Speaker 3: But why not?
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  Speaker 5: I think that's every child.
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  Speaker 2: Well it is, and I guess this is where the
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  Speaker 2: developmental thing comes in. And I'm not saying that we're
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  Speaker 2: supposed to be hardcore and.
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  Speaker 3: No means no one. That's all there is to it.
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  Speaker 2: I don't want to sort of drive that hard authoritarian,
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  Speaker 2: suck it up princess kind of approach.
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  Speaker 3: That's not where I'm going, but just that thing, like
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  Speaker 3: sometimes kids look at you and they're like, what do
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  Speaker 3: you mean no, You can't say no to me. I'm twelve.
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  Speaker 3: I deserve better than this.
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  Speaker 5: Another one for me would just be they're bad losers.
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  Speaker 4: They really struggle to lose at a game, or to
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  Speaker 4: not be the head poncho.
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  Speaker 2: No one wants to be the head poncho. If you
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  Speaker 2: want to be a pancho, you want to be the
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  Speaker 2: full body poncho, not just the head poncho.
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  Speaker 3: So we don't want kids to be bad losers.
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  Speaker 2: We don't want to be unable to take no for
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  Speaker 2: an answer, and we don't want them to be expecting
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  Speaker 2: that someone else is going to do it, or for
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  Speaker 2: them to never have to lift a finger, not do.
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  Speaker 3: Any chores or duties.
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  Speaker 2: Now, it would be kind of obvious to say, well,
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  Speaker 2: if you don't want to raise entitled kids, just don't
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  Speaker 2: let any of that happen.
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  Speaker 3: But I think there's more to it.
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  Speaker 2: We need to kind of unpack how we can make
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  Speaker 2: sure that kids aren't being entitled, because it is a
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  Speaker 2: really unattractive way to be.
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  Speaker 3: No one likes an entitled adult. There is a name
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  Speaker 3: for them.
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  Speaker 2: It's such an unfortunate name to call somebody a Karen,
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  Speaker 2: but it's that whole entitled Karen attitude. I hate saying
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  Speaker 2: that because I know a couple of wonderful Karens. My
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  Speaker 2: mum is a Karen, and she's one of the most
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  Speaker 2: terrific people in the world. Mind you, sometimes she can
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  Speaker 2: be a bit of a Karen. Let's face it, sorry mum,
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  Speaker 2: but let's talk about how we can make sure that
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  Speaker 2: we don't raise Karens and Kevin's, that we don't raise
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  Speaker 2: those entitled kids who don't take no for an answer,
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  Speaker 2: who are bad losers, who expect everything done for them
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  Speaker 2: and don't ever want to do a chore or a
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  Speaker 2: duty right after the break.
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  Speaker 1: It's a happy family's podcat.
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  Speaker 4: For a happier family, try a Happy Families membership because
• 7:00
  Speaker 4: happy family doesn't just happen.
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  Speaker 3: Details at happy families dot com dot au.
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  Speaker 4: It's the Happy Families Podcast, the podcast for the time,
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  Speaker 4: poor Parent who Just Wants Answers Now? And today we've
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  Speaker 4: been talking about some red flags that would kind of
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  Speaker 4: help us recognize whether or not we are raising an
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  Speaker 4: entitled child.
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  Speaker 5: I think we have a few in our house.
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  Speaker 2: No, our kids are not entitled. They're perfect. They're absolutely fabulous.
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  Speaker 2: I was just thinking about what you said, so every
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  Speaker 2: day we say this. It's the Happy Families Podcast, the
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  Speaker 2: podcast for the time, poor parent who just Wants Answers Now?
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  Speaker 3: Does that strike you as being a bit entitled? I'm
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  Speaker 3: just getting them to me give me the answer now.
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  Speaker 3: I'm entitled to it. I'd deserve it.
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  Speaker 2: I want it, and I want it for free, and
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  Speaker 2: I want it now, and I want it on a plate.
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  Speaker 3: I want to take our message as well. I'm just
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  Speaker 3: kidding you know what.
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  Speaker 5: I think it'd be great if we gave them some answers.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, let's do that, Okay.
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  Speaker 2: My first answer is we have to be a model
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  Speaker 2: of gratitude ourselves. If we act entitled, if we act
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  Speaker 2: like we expect the children to be our slaves if
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  Speaker 2: we act as though we are entitled when we walk
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  Speaker 2: into a store and make demands and say but I
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  Speaker 2: expect more, or were at the restaurant, we say, I
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  Speaker 2: can't believe that you didn't give me enough ice cream
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  Speaker 2: in my thirty cent yuck Donald's ice cream cone. I
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  Speaker 2: deserve more ice cream in my cone than that. If
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  Speaker 2: we have that entitlement in the way we behave with others,
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  Speaker 2: whether it's our children or people outside of our family,
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  Speaker 2: we shouldn't be surprised that our children also feel entitled.
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  Speaker 3: We've known people, We've been in restaurants with people. From
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  Speaker 3: time to time. We've been that.
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  Speaker 2: Person who walks up to that poor staff member and says,
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  Speaker 2: really unhappy with this, not good enough. I'm paying good
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  Speaker 2: money and I expect better now. It is true that
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  Speaker 2: there should be a certain level of service when you're
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  Speaker 2: paying for something. I get that, But there's a sense
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  Speaker 2: of entitlement that sometimes goes along with that. That's unhealthy.
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  Speaker 2: We've got to be a model. That's my first suggestion.
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  Speaker 3: What about you.
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  Speaker 4: I think it's important that children have responsibilities in any home.
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  Speaker 4: It requires a team effort to help the home function
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  Speaker 4: to help the family function, and regardless of their age,
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  Speaker 4: there are age appropriate things that each of our children
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  Speaker 4: could be doing that would help the team. You know,
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  Speaker 4: our family is a team, and they help the family,
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  Speaker 4: help the team to actually be able to function efficiently, effectively,
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  Speaker 4: and we work together.
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  Speaker 3: That's the key. In fact, I've got that written down.
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  Speaker 2: That was going to be the next thing that I
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  Speaker 2: said to sort of extend on your idea. When children
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  Speaker 2: are young, and even when they're older and capable of
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  Speaker 2: doing things on their own, working together, letting everybody know
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  Speaker 2: that we all participate, that we're all in and making
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  Speaker 2: sure that we go through an induction process to help
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  Speaker 2: the children learn how to do stuff. That's how you
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  Speaker 2: minimize entitlement. We're all in this together, we're all working
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  Speaker 2: on this, we're figuring it out, we're going to we're
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  Speaker 2: going to all contribute to the household. That's how you
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  Speaker 2: make sure you don't raise entitle kids.
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  Speaker 5: Do you have anything else for us?
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  Speaker 2: I want to really go back to that idea of
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  Speaker 2: I said that you're at risk of raising an entitled
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  Speaker 2: child if they can't take no for an answer. But
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  Speaker 2: I think that I just need to pause on that
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  Speaker 2: for a moment, maybe double click and go a little
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  Speaker 2: bit deeper. I don't know that it's helpful for us
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  Speaker 2: to say I've told you no, and if you don't
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  Speaker 2: accept my no, that you're entitled. I kind of think
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  Speaker 2: we need to soften that just a little bit and
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  Speaker 2: be gentle around that. Children have strong desires and they
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  Speaker 2: often don't know how to manage and regulate their emotions
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  Speaker 2: and their behaviors when they get refusal on that thing
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  Speaker 2: that matters to them. So I just want to emphasize
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  Speaker 2: if we say no, it's really helpful to say I
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  Speaker 2: wish that you could, but here are some reasons that
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  Speaker 2: I have to say no today. Provide a little bit
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  Speaker 2: of a rational, little bit of an explanation. Wouldn't it
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  Speaker 2: be great if we could go to the park. Wouldn't
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  Speaker 2: be awesome if you could have your friends over for
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  Speaker 2: a sleepover. Unfortunately this weekend we've got this going on.
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  Speaker 2: What can we do about maybe making it happen later
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  Speaker 2: so a hard no doesn't have to be a hard no.
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  Speaker 4: Well, I think that's where we run into trouble when
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  Speaker 4: we just say no and we don't give our children
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  Speaker 4: an opportunity to understand why we're saying no.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, I reckon.
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  Speaker 2: The other thing that I would say to make sure
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  Speaker 2: that we don't raise entitled kids is to minimize competition.
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  Speaker 3: We were talking about bad losers.
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  Speaker 2: When we reduce competition and we focus more on collaboration,
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  Speaker 2: kids are less likely to lose badly because they're not
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  Speaker 2: losing anything because they're collaborating, not competing. And I know
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  Speaker 2: that we live in a competitive world, but competition isn't
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  Speaker 2: good for kids.
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  Speaker 3: There's enough research around to.
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  Speaker 2: Say that we need to let our kids grow up
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  Speaker 2: and figure out life a bit before we start making
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  Speaker 2: them dive into mutually exclusive situations where winning or losing
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  Speaker 2: are the only likely outcomes.
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  Speaker 3: Reducing competition means that.
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  Speaker 2: Kids aren't going to feel entitled to come out as
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  Speaker 2: top dog, because there is no top dog when you're
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  Speaker 2: not in a competition.
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  Speaker 4: So the main take homes from today are give our
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  Speaker 4: children responsibilities, make sure that they're age appropriate.
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  Speaker 2: And work with them, especially if we want it to
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  Speaker 2: be successful and they're tired, or they're hungry or it's
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  Speaker 2: just too big, work with.
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  Speaker 4: Them perfect and then when we say no, give them
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  Speaker 4: an explanation, help them to understand, work through that process
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  Speaker 4: with them.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, and just be a good example. Don't be entitled.
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  Speaker 2: Sit around the table at the end of the day
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  Speaker 2: and say what we're grateful for today, what's awesome in
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  Speaker 2: your life? What have you got to really appreciate? What's
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  Speaker 2: great right now about the lives we live. Because we
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  Speaker 2: live great lives, we have so much to be appreciative of,
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  Speaker 2: and it helps to overcome.
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  Speaker 3: The scourge of entitlement.
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  Speaker 2: Hey, we really hope that you've enjoyed our conversations today
• 12:33
  Speaker 2: about Entitled Kids. The podcast is produced by Justin Rulan
• 12:37
  Speaker 2: from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer, and
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: we'd love for you to tell other people about the podcast,
• 12:43
  Speaker 2: either by sending them a link and saying, hey, listen
• 12:45
  Speaker 2: to this, it was great, or just jump onto Apple
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  Speaker 2: Podcasts and leave five star ratings and reviews so that
• 12:50
  Speaker 2: others can find out about the podcast and make their
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: family happier. As always, if you'd like more info about
• 12:55
  Speaker 2: making your family happier, you can find it at happy
• 12:57
  Speaker 2: families dot com dot a U.
• 13:00
  Speaker 5: It is to