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S3E11 - Parent Companion for Play Therapy: Seeing Behavior as Communication · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

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  You're listening to the
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  Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  Hi,
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  I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
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  The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give you insight,
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  awareness,
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  and enlightenment about your parenting
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  and your relationship with your kids.
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  In today's episode,
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  we are continuing with the Parent Companion to Play Therapy,
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  and we're going to
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  pivot a smidge.
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  I've been talking a lot about what happens in
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  the playroom with the therapist in child-centered play therapy.
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  So there's there's been a lot of very technical and clinical stuff.
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  I want to do a little bit of a
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  pause if you will,
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  and I want to pivot
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  to something that I think is really important,
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  whether your child's in play therapy or not.
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  I think it's really important to understand what behavior means
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  and of course,
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  yes,
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  how it applies to child-centered play therapy,
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  but even how it applies to the way that we see it
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  as adults.
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  We've talked a lot about
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  adulthood bias.
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  And I think it's really important that we recognize
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  we
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  view
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  children and their behaviors
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  and their experience
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  through cloudy
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  eyes.
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  Because we expect kids to think and act and operate like us,
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  and they can't,
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  and they don't,
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  and they won't
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  until they develop abstract reasoning,
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  which is around the age of 13.
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  And therefore,
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  when we look at behavior through an adult cognitive rational
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  reasoning lens.
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  It taints what we see.
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  And one of the really important rules of thumb that
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  we know from
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  the filial training by Landreth and Bratton.
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  is
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  we focus on the doughnut,
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  not the hole.
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  And let me illustrate that point really quickly and then I'm gonna get
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  into the paradigm shift that I'd like us to focus on today.
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  When we,
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  OK,
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  let's,
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  let's just throw out a story here.
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  So let's say you go to Dunkin' Donuts,
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  and I don't know if you have Dunkin' Donuts where you live in the states,
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  it's a really popular coffee and donut shop.
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  So if you are international or if you've never heard of Dunkin' Donuts,
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  imagine
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  a local bakery that serves donuts and coffee,
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  all right?
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  So you show up.
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  And you go in and you order whatever your favorite doughnut is,
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  in this particular illustration,
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  it cannot be
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  a filled doughnut.
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  So please don't tell me,
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  oh,
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  my favorite doughnut is jelly filled.
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  OK,
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  that will not work for this illustration.
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  So assume that you get a doughnut with a hole in it.
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  And it's freshly baked if you all have Krispy Kreme where you live,
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  when the light's flashing and it's literally like hot,
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  fresh doughnuts coming right out and they're dumping the glaze
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  on it in front of your eyes on the belt.
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  OK,
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  all the people in the states know exactly what I mean.
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  Fresh Krispy Kreme doughnuts,
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  they illuminate the sign to let you know you can
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  go in and they're like hot off the press.
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  All right,
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  so imagine
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  they hand you your doughnut.
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  And it smells good
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  and you know what it's gonna taste like,
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  and you're already excited.
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  And then all of a sudden it hits you.
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  The baker
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  took a little metal cylinder
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  and stamped out the middle of my doughnut.
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  I could have had a full circle.
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  They,
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  you know,
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  they purposefully had a ball of dough
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  that could have been just a solid thing,
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  and they stamped the middle of that out.
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  And now I don't have a hole.
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  I could have had the whole thing,
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  and now there's a part of my doughnut missing
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  that would be lunacy.
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  None of us would do that.
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  We would bite in to the circle and we would
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  just be so excited and we would be so thankful
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  that God made doughnuts and we would go on about
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  our day oohing and awwing about how amazing doughnuts are.
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  But
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  what we often
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  don't realize is we do this with our kids.
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  Instead of seeing the incredible,
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  amazing gift that our children are,
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  and instead of recognizing that they are so special
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  and it's such a blessing to have them in our lives and we are so grateful for them,
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  we sit there and go,
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  well,
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  if they were more this,
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  well,
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  if they were less that,
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  well,
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  you know,
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  I just really wish that this wasn't the case,
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  and man,
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  you know,
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  that is so irritating.
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  Focus on the doughnut,
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  not the hole.
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  So here's the paradigm shift,
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  whether you're pursuing therapy or not,
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  here's what's really important.
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  Our children's behaviors.
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  Our children's emotions.
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  The way our children act and operate.
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  It's them trying to tell us
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  what they're experiencing.
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  Often they're trying to show us their pain.
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  Often they're trying to show us their discomfort.
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  They're trying to show us their big feelings that they can't make sense of.
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  They're trying to show you that they're hurt.
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  Not physically,
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  usually emotionally.
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  They're trying to show you that
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  they're
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  trying to hide being vulnerable.
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  They're trying to discount something to make them feel better,
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  but
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  they don't feel better.
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  If we recognize behavior.
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  As something other than irritating.
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  As something other than troublesome,
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  as something other than frustrating.
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  If we recognize behavior
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  as our children trying to show us what's going on for them.
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  It allows us to focus on the doughnut,
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  not the hole.
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  It allows us to see the child.
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  That's what child-centered play therapy is.
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  It's unconditional acceptance.
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  Of any behavior,
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  any emotion.
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  Any moment
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  Why?
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  Because we believe that kids are in the process of becoming.
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  And let's be clear,
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  we're all in the process of becoming.
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  Life is a process of becoming.
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  We're all wired to become better versions of ourselves.
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  And so instead of saying,
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  well,
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  if you could just be less angry,
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  if you could just be more obedient,
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  if you could be more like your brother,
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  oh my gosh,
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  please don't ever say that to your kid.
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  Please do not ever pit your children against each other.
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  If we were to see,
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  wow,
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  they're having a really hard time with this right now.
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  I'm gonna reflect their feeling.
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  Oh,
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  they cannot regulate themselves.
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  I need to sit in the pocket of this with them right now.
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  Oh,
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  I didn't think that was a big deal,
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  but
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  they're really upset.
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  It was obviously a really big deal to them.
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  I need to apologize for being dismissive of how much that mattered to them.
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  If we look at our kids' behavior.
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  In the lens of they're trying to show us and tell us something.
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  Changes everything
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  That's why child-centered play therapy
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  is designed the way that it is,
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  because that's exactly what happens in the playroom.
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  We don't see the behavior as
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  anything other than
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  a child's expression.
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  It's their conversation with us.
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  They're not verbal.
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  They're not rational,
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  they're not cognitive.
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  What other option do they have?
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  Their only recourse is to show us what's going on.
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  And if we can make that shift as parents,
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  as adults.
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  It changes the entire dynamic because all of
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  a sudden we're focusing on the doughnut,
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  not the hole.
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  And donuts are fantastic.
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  Ironically,
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  as I'm saying this out loud,
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  ironically,
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  I read something
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  that they asked 10 dieticians
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  and nutrition experts,
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  like people that literally study food and,
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  and
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  your,
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  your body's way of processing nutrients.
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  They pulled 10 of the top nutritionists or dieticians or whoever,
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  and they said,
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  what are the like top 3 foods that you should never eat?
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  And every single one of them said a doughnut.
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  So
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  please don't
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  go gorge yourself on doughnuts cause I was talking about how great they are.
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  That's my public service announcement.
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  Nutritionists and dieticians all around the world do
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  not advise you going and eating donuts,
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  but just follow my theory here,
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  OK?
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  In,
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  in theory,
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  doughnuts are fantastic.
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  And we would never sit and lament the fact
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  that the baker cut the middle of the doughnut out
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  and see the clever little baker,
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  you know,
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  that would have been wasted dough,
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  but now they sell them as doughnut holes,
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  or if you go to Dunkin' Donuts, munchkins.
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  So I mean,
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  really,
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  this was just smart,
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  like very clever.
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  Let's just cut it out and then we'll sell those too.
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  Very entrepreneurial of whoever thought of that.
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  But we're never going to sit there and be
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  angry that someone else bought our doughnut hole.
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  We're just gonna eat the doughnut.
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  We can't look at our kids
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  and want for something that isn't there.
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  When we already have the gift right in front of us.
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  And look,
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  sometimes kids are disregulated,
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  sometimes kids are stuck
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  in inappropriate behavior,
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  sometimes they don't have an emotional vocabulary,
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  sometimes they don't know how to handle situations.
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  Actually,
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  often to all of those things.
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  But that's appropriate
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  and it's our job
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  to help them learn
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  the things they need to cope
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  if they build an emotional vocabulary because we reflect their feelings,
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  if they build self-esteem because we encourage them,
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  if they learn to make decisions and
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  accept consequences because we give them choices,
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  if we unconditionally accept them,
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  they will naturally behave in more self enhancing ways.
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  The adults
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  in a child's life.
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  are very closely tied to the outcome
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  for the child and their behavior.
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  When kids know
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  that people trust them
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  to behave appropriately,
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  when kids know that people trust them
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  to make appropriate decisions,
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  they do.
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  And conversely,
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  if your child believes
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  that everyone expects them to misbehave,
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  they will.
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  I could tell you story after story after story,
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  literally I,
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  I don't have time because this would be an hour long podcast,
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  but I could tell you story after story
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  where the self-fulfilling prophecy shifted for a kid.
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  If you're not familiar with self-fulfilling prophecy,
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  please look it up.
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  It's basically you become what others expect you to be.
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  That's the simplest version.
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  Pygmalion effect is another thing you can look up if you're interested.
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  But
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  the premise is
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  if kids
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  believe that people expect them to behave a certain way,
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  they will.
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  So if I'm quote the bad kid,
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  if I'm quote the disobedient kid,
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  if I'm quote the tantruming out of control kid
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  and everyone expects that of me.
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  They're they're going to behave that way.
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  Conversely,
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  child-centered play therapy and a play therapist
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  believes that the child is becoming.
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  And believes that the child is capable of self-enhancing behavior
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  and believes that the child will self-regulate
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  and that the child will develop an emotional vocabulary.
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  And they do.
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  So you as a parent have a huge opportunity
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  to
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  see behavior as your child's way of trying to communicate something to you.
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  And once you're more in tune with that,
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  you will be able to effectively communicate back
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  in ways that are going to encourage the child
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  to
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  be more regulated,
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  more in control,
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  and all of those things.
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  So I hope that encourages you.
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  I hope that that is helpful
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  and as we go through
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  this new season,
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  specifically about the child-centered play therapy process,
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  I hope that whether your kid is in therapy or not,
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  you're seeing the value
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  of
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  seeing your children differently.
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  child-centered play therapy and,
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  and its foundations,
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  its tenants,
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  it's principles,
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  they all come back to relationship is the most important piece.
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  If we focus on everything that we want to be different,
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  we damage the relationship.
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  We basically say,
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  I don't like you,
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  and I'll like you if you start acting differently.
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  We need to like and love our children regardless of their behavior.
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  Behavior is just a manifestation of struggle.
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  But they need to know that we truly like them.
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  I say to my son a lot,
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  he's just turned 16,
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  so he's not little anymore by any means.
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  But I say to my son all the time,
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  hey baby,
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  I know parents love their kids and I do love you,
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  but I like you too.
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  That's a really powerful message to a kid.
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  That their parent likes them.
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  I like my son.
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  I like spending time with him.
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  I like his humor.
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  I like his personality.
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  I like the way that he interacts with people.
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  And I let him know that.
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  It's really important that kids know
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  that you believe that they are capable of good.
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  That's a very powerful message if nothing else,
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  try communicating that to your children this week.
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  See what happens.
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  Self fulfilling prophecy says if kids believe that people expect them
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  to
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  be good,
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  and I don't mean behave good,
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  that they are good inherently children are good
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  if people communicate that to them.
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  You'll see a change.
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  All right,
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  I love you all.
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  Thanks for hanging out with me.
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  We'll talk again soon.
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  Bye.
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  Thank you for listening to
• 13:51
  the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
• 13:58
  please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.