Latest / The Bold Lounge / Claire O'Connor: Bold Vision, Bright Future- Creating the Life You Want

Transcript

Claire O'Connor: Bold Vision, Bright Future- Creating the Life You Want · The Bold Lounge

• 0:07
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Bold Lounge podcast.
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: My name is Leigh Burgess and I will be your host.
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: If you're anything like me, you love hearing inspiring stories of people who have gone on bold journeys and made a positive impact in the world.
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: This podcast is all about those kinds of stories.
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: Every week, we'll hear from someone who has taken a leap or embarked on an extraordinary journey.
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: In addition to hearing their stories, we'll also learn about their bold growth mindset that they use to make things happen.
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: Whether they face challenges or doubts along the way, they persisted and ultimately achieved their goals.
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: These impactful stories will leave you feeling motivated and inspired to pursue your own bold journey.
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: I believe everyone has a bold story waiting to be freed.
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: Tune in and get ready to be inspired.
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Bold Lounge.
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: Today I have Claire O'Connor.
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: Claire is a personal executive and leadership coach.
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: She has spent decades in education, well-being, facilitation and coaching.
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: Her teamwork and skills in sports, tv and media equip her to work with all kinds of teams, individuals and leaders.
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: She is the CEO and founder of the Bright Life Coaching.
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: Some of her two-year research includes the areas of burnout in workplace and women in leadership.
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: Life started on a farm in rural and rugged Ireland.
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: She made a bold move two years ago when she moved to the United States with her family and decided that she would set up her company here.
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: She's joining us today to tell us her bold story of what she's been doing to empower women all over the world from her home now in Atlanta, georgia.
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Bold.
• 1:45
  Speaker 2: Lounge Claire.
• 1:45
  Speaker 2: Thank you so much, leigh, and it is such a privilege to be spending time with somebody as bold as you.
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: Well, thank you so much.
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: We met just recently and I feel like we've known each other a while, so I'm excited to kind of dig into your bold journey.
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: I know a little bit about it, but I think we're going to get a little deeper today into the conversation and we'll start with what is your definition of bold?
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: What does it mean in your life?
• 2:11
  Speaker 2: If I was to start with the Irish definition of bold in the 1980s, Lee, it would be very different to my definition of bold now, and bold in the 80s was more like ah, ah, ah, don't do that.
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: It's bold, as in naughty, too bold, and I don't know if that resonates with you or your audience.
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: Definitely yeah, recently, as I've gotten out and been talking in different places and spaces and in the US, hearing that people like you know initially that it means something negative and I think it can have a bad rap.
• 2:41
  Speaker 2: Well, I think it's funny because it just reminds me of all of the parenting that went on years ago.
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: It's totally fine.
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: You know I learned that definition but in the context of your wonderful book and your wonderful definition Believe, own, learn and Design my definition of bold is kind of like multifaceted, I think.
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: First of all, I'm a very zestful person, and zestful meaning adventurous.
• 3:06
  Speaker 2: So when I think about being bold, I think about trying new things, being adventurous, getting out of my comfort zone, always learning, and that's part of your bold definition which I absolutely love.
• 3:18
  Speaker 2: But most of all, for me, being bold is the willingness to try, and Mel Robbins is famous for saying that confidence is the willingness to try.
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: And Mel Robbins is famous for saying that confidence is the willingness to try.
• 3:27
  Speaker 2: But I genuinely believe that being bold is the willingness to try stepping out of that comfort zone.
• 3:33
  Speaker 2: And what does that feel like emotionally?
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: For me, it's like that pit of your stomach feeling when you get this pang of oh my goodness, am I going to actually step out and do this and doing it anyway?
• 3:45
  Speaker 2: And facing the fear and doing it anyway.
• 3:48
  Speaker 2: And for me, I've had a lot of bold experiences throughout my life and it even starts on a rural farm in Ireland where we used to, you know, birth.
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: The animals try to drive tractors and cars in the field, being afraid but stepping out and trying to learn something new.
• 4:04
  Speaker 2: And as I navigated through my life, even though I had, you know, lots of mistakes along the way, that was important for me too was being bold, was being willing to try but being okay to make mistakes.
• 4:16
  Speaker 2: And the word fail I don't like it, but I do like the acronym, first attempt in learning, for the word fail.
• 4:24
  Speaker 2: So with bold comes the potential to fail.
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: But that is a first attempt in learning and, as you know, when you started your whole new career and as I know it's so important to be OK with that.
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: And I think for me, approaching new experiences with boldness is like the willingness to try and being adventurous, and I've had a lot of experiences in my life like that.
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: An opportunity has come my way and I think your energy kind of opens you up to opportunity.
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: Therefore opportunities to be bold.
• 4:55
  Speaker 2: And the one question I would have always asked myself along the way was for a new adventure, for example, is there a very big reason for me not to try this?
• 5:06
  Speaker 2: And almost always I would say there's no big reason, just give it a go.
• 5:11
  Speaker 2: And I think, by giving myself permission to go there.
• 5:14
  Speaker 2: It always kind of like that reflection question, always kind of helped me.
• 5:19
  Speaker 2: Do I believe it, Could I own it, could I learn it, could I design it and then deliver it?
• 5:24
  Speaker 2: And in my own mantra, it's believe, behave become.
• 5:31
  Speaker 2: And I've tried that over and over again in my life.
• 5:32
  Speaker 2: From traveling the world over twice around, from trying new things and from embracing a new professional status and living in new countries, yeah, so you've kind of done a lot of different layers of bold.
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: It sounds like, yeah, so you've kind of done a lot of different layers of bold.
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: It sounds like so, when you were younger, just even like you know, I visualize this because I grew up in rural Pennsylvania so like just trying something in the field, like learning to drive stick or you know, in types of things, so like just figuring things out or like doing things that I think when you're on a farm or in your rural area, like you do, do some things that a lot you know you jump out of the haystack, you can get hurt, so I don't advise it, but I'm just saying things that you do as a kid because you have, you know, things to play in.
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: And I have a few scars from growing up on a farm, for sure, and having two brothers.
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: So I think, in the sense of of that, you kind of like started with some bold roots.
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: It sounds like and certainly in Ireland I have this, I have never been.
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: We've talked about me going uh, you know, you and I talked about that and there's a lot of bold women in Ireland there are, and Ireland is actually a really good place for women to live.
• 6:43
  Speaker 2: A lot of talk about, you know, equality and leadership and all this kind of you know Ireland is very good for that.
• 6:49
  Speaker 2: Ireland is a good place for women to be and there are a lot of bold and strong women there, and it's really important, I think, to be surrounded by those kind of women who are willing to be bold to or to accept when you step out into something new, and that is very, very strong in our, in that community of encouragement and, you know, go for it, why not?
• 7:09
  Speaker 2: So I found that very helpful, too in our bold journeys.
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: Yeah, when you decided to move to the US and this was just about two years ago, right?
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: So what was it that pushed you to that point, or created I need to take this step?
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: I'm curious about something that's got to give Like.
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: Which one was it for you, in a sense of wanting to make that big, bold move?
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: That's a great question.
• 7:35
  Speaker 2: I think my zestful personality is one of my strengths.
• 7:39
  Speaker 2: The opportunity so it's like a marriage of all the things my zestful sense of adventure and the opportunity that was there.
• 7:48
  Speaker 2: I will say it was quite secure in that it was a transition for my husband, but the boldness came when I departed from a great life that I had in Ireland.
• 7:58
  Speaker 2: We had a wonderful life in Ireland and, if I may say so, one of the most bold moves was, or most maybe scary for me.
• 8:06
  Speaker 2: When we made the decision to move was the Saturday before we moved to America, to the.
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: On Saturday I was signing autographs and most people would be of the mindset oh, this is going good, I'm going to build this, I'm not going to take any chances, I'm not going to move away from this opportunity.
• 8:33
  Speaker 2: This is a great opportunity.
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: That was on Saturday night and I woke up in America on Monday morning a complete nobody.
• 8:42
  Speaker 2: A complete nobody.
• 8:48
  Speaker 2: So that willingness to try, that willingness to leave one thing behind to start something new, I think that was a big trigger for me to be willing to try something new.
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: And a lot of people said to me you're crazy, I can't believe you're going to do this.
• 8:58
  Speaker 2: But I think that we all evolve and, like you know the layers of an onion, you peel off one layer to reveal something new and I was willing to try and I was willing to leave a potentially great career behind to try something new that kind of aligned with my family, aligned with my strengths and zest for life and the willingness to be bold.
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and I think that also shows like when you help other people or when you coach other people, is you're willing to do it too, right.
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: So it would be, I think, not authentic if I was someone like just sitting at my desk telling other people to be bold and I'm not out there doing it myself.
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: Right, so you're out there doing it yourself.
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: You left a very successful space to a space where you felt like a nobody.
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: You certainly weren't a nobody, but you felt like one, meaning like no one knows me, no one knows what I'm doing.
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: I'm in a new country and I basically feel like I'm starting over Right, and it's this interesting feeling.
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: And I'm doing an analogy to when I, when I quit and didn't know what I was going to do, right, so it definitely felt at times foreign, you know, in the sense of like I don't know I have all this time, what could I do?
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: Where could I go?
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: You know, nobody knows me in this space and everyone knew me in this former space, which for me was health care, and I still obviously am in it.
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: I didn't that didn't fall out of me just because I left it Right.
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: But it's interesting what people think or some judge or say to you in that timeframe, when they're trying to figure out what you're doing, and some of it can be helpful and some of it for me was just like wow, I didn't know you'd think that, or you would say something like that which felt like it hurt my feelings or was harmful.
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: Did you have any of any of that?
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: Did you have any of, like, what are you doing, claire?
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: Like, why would you leave?
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: Now You're doing what?
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: Did you have any of that?
• 10:53
  Speaker 2: happen to you.
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: We really did.
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: And even before that, when I traveled the world with my husband, they were like, are you crazy?
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: You're selling your two cars, you're renting your home?
• 11:03
  Speaker 2: Because people in general don't like change.
• 11:06
  Speaker 2: And this comes into coaching.
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: So often when you're with somebody who's trying to make a change, trying to be bold, the brain wants us to stay safe.
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: It wants us to stay doing the same thing, that repeated pattern.
• 11:18
  Speaker 2: And it's such a shame because the brain is there to protect us, to keep us predicting safety in our lives, and therefore 95% of our thoughts and we have 60, 70, 80,000 a day remain repetitive and for most human beings, 75% of those are negative.
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: And when we see change, like Claire's changing career Lee has written a book that change doesn't necessarily suit the other person's brain.
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: They're not able to take that on and so therefore they're not comfortable with it.
• 11:50
  Speaker 2: And I see this in my clients so often.
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: Sometimes the clients themselves know they need to make a change, sometimes they don't.
• 11:58
  Speaker 2: And that bravery to step forward.
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: And then the judgment of others is hard, because you have some stay-at-home moms that I work with who've left the professional space 10 years ago and want to go back.
• 12:09
  Speaker 2: That change in identity is hard for people because they get pushed back.
• 12:13
  Speaker 2: And some women don't even realize, lee, that they need to change.
• 12:17
  Speaker 2: They are so busy.
• 12:18
  Speaker 2: They've spent 10 years serving other people and, for them, being bold is stepping out and trying to aspire to the vision they had for themselves, professionally, personally.
• 12:28
  Speaker 2: And to make those changes within is hard.
• 12:31
  Speaker 2: Like we said, the brain wants to keep us safe.
• 12:33
  Speaker 2: It doesn't want change.
• 12:34
  Speaker 2: So that growth mindset for the person making the change and the growth mindset for the people observing them.
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: It takes effort and people don't like effort.
• 12:44
  Speaker 2: Humanity, 90% of humanity, stays in comfort zone all their lives.
• 12:48
  Speaker 2: So anybody who steps out to be bold, either like Lee or Claire or Claire's clients, it takes and are required an extra action, and I like to call it massive action.
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: Passive action is knowing massive action is actually taking action, and I see it a lot of my clients.
• 13:06
  Speaker 2: But you know what, lee, sadly and I don't know if you've seen this some women don't know that they need to change.
• 13:13
  Speaker 2: They don't even know what way they like their eggs in the morning anymore.
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: They don't even know that they have been serving others all of that time.
• 13:20
  Speaker 2: Have you ever gone out for a drink with a friend or dinner, and they're so busy texting someone to sort out a family problem that they say, oh, just order me whatever, I don't care, I'm easy, because they haven't made decisions for themselves for a long time and, like you, made a decision when you finished up with one job to pursue this career.
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: Like I made that decision.
• 13:41
  Speaker 2: Women spend their days making decisions for others, and so I think it's really interesting that when they use the bold framework that they are making decisions for themselves again, deciding what it is for them and I have that a lot with my clients they have forgotten how to make decisions on themselves.
• 14:02
  Speaker 2: They're used to making those with the various hats they wear through the day, but they haven't made them for themselves.
• 14:07
  Speaker 2: And some of them, that idea of burnout like you suffered, like I suffered has become such a part of life that they don't know any different.
• 14:15
  Speaker 2: So I deal a lot with speaking to a client who comes in and doesn't necessarily know they need to make a bold change, because they don't realize what they even want.
• 14:23
  Speaker 2: And then you have those women who are trying to make a bold change because they don't realize what they even want.
• 14:27
  Speaker 2: And then you have those women who are trying to make that bold change and they don't know how to go about it.
• 14:29
  Speaker 2: So, yes, we have to advocate for them.
• 14:32
  Speaker 2: We have to show them examples.
• 14:34
  Speaker 2: I'll give you two really strong examples, lee, of clients who are trying to be bold.
• 14:38
  Speaker 2: I had one client.
• 14:39
  Speaker 2: She is the leader of a corporate company in Ireland.
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: She's built it up by 2000% and she talked so much about her team and she was so devoted to them and when I asked her some questions about, well, what's your bold move?
• 14:51
  Speaker 2: What do you want to do, it took her three sessions to get to the bottom of what she actually wanted and I think that's so important for people who decide to work with you or a coach like me, or read your book is that time spent is invaluable to take care of your future.
• 15:09
  Speaker 2: And that's what I love about you and I love about your message is that's what's happening.
• 15:14
  Speaker 2: You're encouraging people to make those moves.
• 15:17
  Speaker 2: Another example is and I really, really strongly advocate for women in this space and for men they say they've made a decision.
• 15:24
  Speaker 2: I was working with a VP of her company a new, really powerful company in pharma and she spoke about being so burnt out that she said she was quitting.
• 15:33
  Speaker 2: And then she became really confused and she said to me one day in a coaching session I said I'm going to do it, so now I have to do it.
• 15:40
  Speaker 2: A woman who stated her purpose and we had to work through me saying to her you know, you're perfectly entitled to change your mind and I think people need to hear that sometimes.
• 15:53
  Speaker 2: You're entitled to be bold, you're entitled to move away from an old life.
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: You're entitled to grow right, to evolve.
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: I had this incredible conversation yesterday on a podcast and it was like someone had asked me how I had been together with my husband for 30 years.
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: We married pretty young and you know, mid 20s, and but I think the key thing when I thought about it was that we grew together Right and that was just like a relational piece.
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: Like you could also change your mind about your job.
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: You could change your job about where you want to live.
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: You could change your job about the people you want to surround yourself with.
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: Like you have permission to grow and no one needs to give you that permission.
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: Like you own that right.
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: I think that's really important because I think when you are making bold moves going back to where we started, I think some people will not understand you.
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: Some people will not.
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: You know they're looking for more of a logical way of operating and for them, your bold move may not be logical to them.
• 16:53
  Speaker 2: It may not be logical to you even, and maybe we don't fit into the container that they always saw us in.
• 16:59
  Speaker 2: Right, it's like that old saying first impressions last.
• 17:02
  Speaker 2: We don't want to say that, but first impressions do last.
• 17:06
  Speaker 2: So if I met you, lee, and your hair was black and now your hair is blonde, I have a different perception of you, and everybody's perception is so important, and sometimes for women their perception of themselves is very different to how others see them, and usually that's negative.
• 17:23
  Speaker 2: Women see themselves very negatively.
• 17:25
  Speaker 2: Women will not advocate for themselves like men do, and that's just the natural instinct of women.
• 17:31
  Speaker 2: And so when you say that, that permission to be bold, that permission to grow, that permission to change your mind, it all falls into that how women see themselves, knowing their basics and knowing where they want to go in life.
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's their choice, right, yeah, it's their choice and I think that's just really important.
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: I think bold is a choice and that's the commonality of all the definitions, and we've talked about this, but I think, of all the people who have, you know, given me their definition on the podcast, it is your choice and it's personal.
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: So, the way that you do bold, the way that I do bold, the way that our clients do bold, they may have some similarities in like how they start.
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: I always start with our beliefs, because I really think it sounds like that's part of your process as well, because if we don't understand what those are, then it's hard to actually, you know, create and also work on the things that we need to work on.
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: I think everyone has something to work on, absolutely yeah, you know what I mean.
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: So, like, when you start with the client like where do you start as the base when it comes to beliefs?
• 18:47
  Speaker 2: We know more clearly as a child what we believe and what we like than we do when we've become socialized, when societal expectation has taken over, when societal norms become infiltrated.
• 18:58
  Speaker 2: But I always like to remind my clients what's your basics and you know we're doing a three day challenge on this next week and that's what do you really need to survive, what are the basic requirements that are non-negotiable to you, the must-dos?
• 19:14
  Speaker 2: And a lot of people haven't thought about that.
• 19:18
  Speaker 2: I would hear oh sure, that's a conversation for another day.
• 19:21
  Speaker 2: It absolutely isn't.
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: What do you mean by survive?
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: Because to me that sounds like you're just getting by.
• 19:27
  Speaker 2: Yes, does that what you mean?
• 19:29
  Speaker 1: Like the minimum of how you operate.
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: So like food home, yes, cozy blanket home, yes, cozy blanket, like okay, yes because there's a theory called Maslow's hierarchy of needs.
• 19:40
  Speaker 2: It's so basic it's do you have a roof over your head?
• 19:43
  Speaker 2: Do you have food?
• 19:45
  Speaker 2: Do you have safety?
• 19:46
  Speaker 2: Do you have enough water?
• 19:49
  Speaker 2: Do you have sanitation?
• 19:51
  Speaker 2: All of those basics and they are not have not become basics in the first world in the last few years, but they are the basics for some.
• 19:58
  Speaker 2: And then you move on to connection, communication and, like we learned from the pandemic, if we do not have connection and a sense of belonging, we are at nothing in life.
• 20:08
  Speaker 2: And there was a study done recently on the happiest people.
• 20:12
  Speaker 2: The happiest people are about 30% above the breadline because they have a sense of place, they have their basics and they have a sense of community and connection because they're all in it together.
• 20:24
  Speaker 2: And it's really, really important to know what your basics are.
• 20:28
  Speaker 2: What are your non-negotiables For me?
• 20:30
  Speaker 2: Now, lee, I absolutely know, since I moved to online work, that I need to feel a sense of physical connection with people every single day.
• 20:39
  Speaker 2: Whether that means going for a walk with somebody, getting out to a class, going to my business club where I'm a leader, meeting with a friend.
• 20:46
  Speaker 2: It is a non-negotiable for me, as is exercise about three times a week.
• 20:50
  Speaker 2: I know that because I have reflected and helicoptered myself to know my good days are when I do this, my bad days are when I do that, and those basics.
• 21:01
  Speaker 2: Once a woman knows, oh, I'm at my best when I do this, this and this every day, or every second day, they're able to navigate the rest of life much more efficiently.
• 21:11
  Speaker 2: And so are men.
• 21:12
  Speaker 2: I speak about women a lot, but so are men.
• 21:15
  Speaker 2: Men need to know what's.
• 21:16
  Speaker 2: I can tell you my husband.
• 21:18
  Speaker 2: If he does not exercise, I am dealing with a grouchy husband.
• 21:21
  Speaker 2: He won't appreciate me for saying that, but like if he's dealing with me, the same, because exercise is a part of our lives.
• 21:27
  Speaker 2: I need to drink a lot of water.
• 21:29
  Speaker 2: Some people need to drink, you know, one liter, a pint, a glass.
• 21:32
  Speaker 2: I need to have two liters of water per day.
• 21:35
  Speaker 2: When I go out in the world, I like to dress up.
• 21:37
  Speaker 2: This is a non-negotiable for me.
• 21:39
  Speaker 2: I don't feel good if I don't dress in the clothes that I like and we see that in kids how happy they feel, and I was a teacher in the classroom for 30 years.
• 21:49
  Speaker 1: Oh, I didn't know that.
• 21:50
  Speaker 2: We see that for 20 years excuse me, telling lies for 20 years.
• 21:58
  Speaker 2: And I see it in children when they're truly happy, they're at the thing that they love, they are dressed up and having fun.
• 22:01
  Speaker 2: For me, fun is so important.
• 22:03
  Speaker 2: I love to laugh, I love to joke.
• 22:05
  Speaker 2: I like to joke about the fact that when I was told I was bold when I was young, it was like I was being naughty, I was doing something I shouldn't have done, and I like to have a laugh about things like that.
• 22:15
  Speaker 2: And we can have a laugh along the way and have fun about what are non-negotiables.
• 22:20
  Speaker 2: I have friends in Ireland whose non-negotiable is getting out the door without their kids, and men who are like they need time with their boys.
• 22:28
  Speaker 2: That is just the nature of what their basics are.
• 22:31
  Speaker 2: And as we go up that Maslow's hierarchy of needs and we hit the pinnacle I mean that's levels later and that's self-actualization, where you reach your peak or your zenith.
• 22:42
  Speaker 2: And I developed a 12-year program on that because I wanted the women that I worked with to reach their pinnacle, to truly be bold, to truly understand what they wanted and to live their best lives and, you know, go through the process of reaching that pinnacle on the way.
• 22:57
  Speaker 2: So I'd love to ask you actually, lee, what are your non-negotiables, what are your basics that you just can't live without on a daily basis?
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: Well, I think you know, obviously you know, for me from the bottom rung of what we just talked about, those things are so important.
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: But I think you know, above that would be connection and our dogs, like I have to you know, like for me, they're part of our pack, they're part of our family.
• 23:22
  Speaker 1: I don't look at them as pets or anything like that.
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: So for me those are kind of the basics.
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: And even when I'm traveling or doing whatever I do, I talk to my mom every day and so it's just so important for me.
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: And so, even if it's just 30 seconds it doesn't have to be 30 minutes, even it's just a minute to say hi, just checking in.
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: You know, hear your voice, I'm exhausted.
• 23:47
  Speaker 1: And she'll say go to bed and we'll hang up.
• 23:50
  Speaker 2: That's interesting.
• 23:51
  Speaker 1: So, even if it's just to like, do that, check in with my family and obviously my, you know, my husband and my daughter.
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: So for me those are the basics of like I, you know, if I didn't have that or have that connection daily, that that's something that I wouldn't, you know, be okay with.
• 24:07
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and it's interesting that dogs are your priority, because they're not part of my basics.
• 24:11
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I can't like it, so nobody's.
• 24:13
  Speaker 2: So some people, it's a cup of coffee and an easy drive to work.
• 24:16
  Speaker 2: I've heard that before.
• 24:17
  Speaker 2: Talking to your mom is interesting, though, because I read a statistic once that by speaking to your mom for 15 minutes reduces your stress levels.
• 24:26
  Speaker 1: I saw that.
• 24:27
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's a really cool article they showed.
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: It might have been the same one where they showed someone actually called their mom versus texted, and actually texting increased stress.
• 24:37
  Speaker 2: Uh, the cortisol levels versus talking to your mom actually, you know, reduced stress and your motherly figure, or if it's your dad, so for some people it's their dad.
• 24:46
  Speaker 2: But whoever your person is, yeah, and one of my friends is a twin and her husband.
• 24:51
  Speaker 2: Her husband would say like, um, so come to me when you're, when you're, whatever, when you need me or you know, just in a regular, very normal, like typical relationship, a husband and wife and two kids or whatever.
• 25:03
  Speaker 2: And uh, he realized one day, you know, I'm not your people.
• 25:08
  Speaker 2: And she was kind of horrified you are my people, you are my people, yeah, you are my person.
• 25:13
  Speaker 2: My go-to.
• 25:13
  Speaker 2: He was like no, I'm not, it's your identical twin.
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's a whole nother level of connection, right?
• 25:18
  Speaker 2: yes, yes, and such really interesting connection.
• 25:22
  Speaker 2: But, yeah, connection is part of those basics and within connection then, and a lot of people are still stuck in people pleasing mode and I see this a lot as well, lee Lee, they may not even know they have it Like I didn't, and some of the people that are listening to this who know me really well, I didn't know I had people pleasing tendencies.
• 25:39
  Speaker 1: I thought perfectionism and people pleasing were like really bad words in the sense of I can't be that.
• 25:46
  Speaker 1: I thought if I was a perfectionist or a people pleaser that I was incredibly imperfect, which is kind of funny because that obviously I have some perfections and tendencies.
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: So I just wanted to insert that because, as you're talking, I think for people to identify or be able to know if they have some of those things coming in.
• 26:04
  Speaker 2: And Lee, you know what?
• 26:05
  Speaker 2: We all have them and actually it's like stress.
• 26:08
  Speaker 2: A little bit of it actually is very good for us.
• 26:11
  Speaker 2: We can't live a life of total relaxation.
• 26:13
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and a little bit of perfectionist means you've got standards and that's okay, as long as you're helicoptering yourself and you're aware that that's what's happening and that you're trying to make it.
• 26:24
  Speaker 2: My daughter went to school this morning.
• 26:26
  Speaker 2: This is a typical example of you know how.
• 26:28
  Speaker 2: I'm aware that I can be a little bit perfectionist.
• 26:30
  Speaker 2: I had the her word for the word parade.
• 26:34
  Speaker 2: It's not Halloween, it's word.
• 26:35
  Speaker 2: Parade was colorful.
• 26:37
  Speaker 2: Now she has some amazingly colorful clothes.
• 26:39
  Speaker 2: She draws rainbows all the time and she had these best ever glittery rainbow boots and this glittery tutu that's full of rainbow and she did not want to wear it.
• 26:49
  Speaker 2: I knew that she would look so amazing.
• 26:52
  Speaker 2: Yeah, she did not want to wear it.
• 26:54
  Speaker 2: Now, what she wore was fine.
• 26:57
  Speaker 2: She pretty much looked like herself, but I had to step back and go.
• 27:01
  Speaker 2: Is it my ego?
• 27:02
  Speaker 2: Is it my perfectionism?
• 27:04
  Speaker 2: Is it me wanting everybody to see my child like that, or it's her choice?
• 27:09
  Speaker 2: It's her parade and that, looking at your child like a sovereign being rather than she's my possession.
• 27:14
  Speaker 2: I want to make it perfect, I want to you know.
• 27:17
  Speaker 2: So that's really important and we go back to values and true sense of self-awareness.
• 27:23
  Speaker 2: That's what helicoptering is.
• 27:25
  Speaker 2: So I think it's really interesting that you've now begun to notice that you do have those tendencies.
• 27:29
  Speaker 2: It's perfectly OK to have those.
• 27:33
  Speaker 1: I feel like I'm late.
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm late to figuring it out, but it is helpful to know it.
• 27:37
  Speaker 1: It's cool.
• 27:38
  Speaker 2: It's cool to know it because you have standards.
• 27:40
  Speaker 2: That's okay.
• 27:40
  Speaker 2: You value something to look good and to be at a certain level, that's okay.
• 27:46
  Speaker 2: But I like to say to so many people take a look at yourself from like a movie, an old fashioned movie video camera.
• 27:53
  Speaker 2: Observe how you're living in your life.
• 27:56
  Speaker 2: Are you staying in comfort zone or are you changing?
• 27:59
  Speaker 2: Are you evolving?
• 28:00
  Speaker 2: Are you giving yourself new things to think about?
• 28:03
  Speaker 2: Are you behaving every day according to your values?
• 28:06
  Speaker 2: Are you zestful?
• 28:07
  Speaker 2: Are you not?
• 28:08
  Speaker 2: Are you very happy?
• 28:10
  Speaker 2: And by kind of looking at how you behave on an everyday basis, you see really clearly what your belief system is, what you value because you act towards that.
• 28:20
  Speaker 2: And if that's people pleasing, that's where boundaries come in.
• 28:24
  Speaker 2: So it's okay to have that little bit of perfectionism and people pleasing within.
• 28:29
  Speaker 2: You know, observing yourself through that lens and knowing it, boundaries are really important after basics.
• 28:34
  Speaker 2: And boundaries come in when you know you've put yourself too far into discomfort time-wise and delivery-wise, performance-wise to be able to go back, look at your non-negotiables and know, okay, I've pushed too far here, I've gone in too deep and I need to put a boundary up for myself.
• 28:55
  Speaker 2: And there's really easy ways of doing that.
• 28:58
  Speaker 2: That doesn't need to be a big, long piece of written paper, and for people who don't know what a boundary is, it could be an emotional boundary, with somebody who constantly infiltrates your energy field.
• 29:07
  Speaker 2: It could be stopping yourself from being the yes person.
• 29:11
  Speaker 2: Yes, I'll do it, even before they finish the sentence.
• 29:14
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 29:14
  Speaker 1: Or you think about someone else's convenience before your own, yes, and then you go around all day going I can't believe I did this and I can't believe she did that and you're sitting there going but you chose or you offered it right.
• 29:27
  Speaker 1: So I think sometimes people don't know they're even doing some of those people pleasing things.
• 29:33
  Speaker 1: I think for me which was so funny just hearing some of my friends when I was like I can't believe I have this and then this kind of laughed because they see it before you do.
• 29:42
  Speaker 1: But you have to be the one to realize it Right.
• 29:45
  Speaker 1: But I think what's interesting is, since I have figured it out and started to work on it or notice it intentionally, is that I stand more in my value now than I did before, which I think a lot of people who are close to me wanted me to do that because they saw me actually harming myself, and what I mean by that is like giving up my time, not having enough space between meetings, having a day off but giving time to someone else in the middle of it.
• 30:12
  Speaker 1: So it kind of just breaks it up and that might not sound like much, but when you do it for a long time like it does add up.
• 30:19
  Speaker 1: And so I think sometimes just noticing is like why, why did that bother me so much, or why is this irritating me?
• 30:27
  Speaker 1: And then for me the ownership piece of it was like well, well, what do I own in that I offered?
• 30:32
  Speaker 1: And she said yes, and so why am I upset that she said I could have just not offered right?
• 30:38
  Speaker 1: So just, you know, like small things.
• 30:40
  Speaker 1: If people think about those when they're getting to that space where things feel a lot, you know what's your role in it.
• 30:46
  Speaker 1: Do you find that's a good question to ask?
• 30:48
  Speaker 1: Or one of the things that, because you get in a routine, you know you talk about the routine of work and you have actually refresh your routine guide?
• 30:57
  Speaker 1: Tell me a little bit about that.
• 30:59
  Speaker 2: Again, it goes back to what you're saying choices.
• 31:02
  Speaker 2: you know your choice to be bold, your choice to change your life and, like you said, most people are not aware that they are people pleasing that they're perfectionist because they're so stuck in the scramble, the hamster wheel, so taking a refresher or a grounding or looking at yourself again, just observing yourself, that awareness, to sit and go.
• 31:21
  Speaker 2: Who did I commit to today?
• 31:23
  Speaker 2: But I wanted to say no to.
• 31:25
  Speaker 2: But I said yes because I just wanted to serve them or contribute.
• 31:29
  Speaker 2: It comes from a good place usually.
• 31:30
  Speaker 2: I mean, it's always from a good place, it's always from a good place and, like we said, a little bit of that is really good.
• 31:36
  Speaker 2: Contributing to community is actually hugely valuable for psychological contribution to the world.
• 31:42
  Speaker 2: But also when somebody asks us something to do, I would always say to my clients well, can you pause for three seconds?
• 31:49
  Speaker 2: Are you able to just ground yourself in the moment and say, pause for three seconds?
• 31:54
  Speaker 2: Are you able to just ground yourself in the moment and say, can I get back to you on that, instead of jumping in with the yes, can I get back to you on that?
• 31:57
  Speaker 2: People are okay with I'll get back to you on that.
• 32:00
  Speaker 2: I'll just check my schedule.
• 32:01
  Speaker 2: Check the schedule.
• 32:03
  Speaker 2: It's so simple.
• 32:04
  Speaker 2: I cannot help you here, but please reach out again.
• 32:07
  Speaker 2: I'd love to help in future when I have time.
• 32:10
  Speaker 2: And people have actually lost the habit of having that boundary.
• 32:14
  Speaker 2: What does that do?
• 32:15
  Speaker 2: That buys you time to consider when you can help, but also buys you time to fit in your non-negotiables, to give the world the best of you rather than what's left of you, because you've worn yourself out to burn out.
• 32:28
  Speaker 2: Like we know, lee, from serving others, and it's like getting onto the airplane and they tell you to put on your own mask first.
• 32:34
  Speaker 2: You cannot give others the best of you unless you decide what is best for you yourself first and then share the rest of you and give it your best, because that's what we do as people we want to help others.
• 32:46
  Speaker 2: But it's really interesting A lot of women, a lot of men.
• 32:50
  Speaker 2: We don't know we're doing it.
• 32:51
  Speaker 2: We just need to step back, zoom out, observe when am I?
• 32:57
  Speaker 2: Can I help here?
• 32:58
  Speaker 2: Do I need to actually look at my diary?
• 33:01
  Speaker 2: And then it gives you pause to reflect and say, oh, this is going to be easier for me the next time I have to say no.
• 33:08
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 33:09
  Speaker 2: Next time I can't facilitate somebody.
• 33:11
  Speaker 2: And then after that your life becomes more harmonious, the balance gets better and for a lot of high achieving people, people who are driven, passionate people push.
• 33:22
  Speaker 2: It doesn't matter what you're passionate about, we will always push.
• 33:25
  Speaker 2: So we usually push to the point of exhaustion when we are not aware.
• 33:31
  Speaker 2: It comes back Awareness, decision making, using those small cues to pace yourself a little better, slowing down to actually speed up, and just that pace of life we have not human, biologically, physiologically, psychologically.
• 33:47
  Speaker 2: We have not caught up with the pace of life, the pace of technology.
• 33:52
  Speaker 1: And it's only going to get faster, right.
• 33:53
  Speaker 1: So I think one of the things that keeps resonating with me as you're talking is just our wanting to be able to answer questions quickly or serve in a way that fulfills all the needs or takes care of everything in one felt swoop.
• 34:09
  Speaker 1: You know like be efficient.
• 34:11
  Speaker 1: You know I recall a time when I was at Duke where you know I was in back-to-back meetings very much normally anywhere.
• 34:17
  Speaker 1: I was honestly, I was trying to be very efficient and try to give everything I can to everyone else easily in eight to 10 to 12 hours of meetings a day, trying to do work on either ends.
• 34:27
  Speaker 1: But I would try to do emails in between and, depending on what kind of organization, you have your email or Slack or however you're driven, and I would say sorry for my delay if it had only been an hour or 30 minutes or 50 minutes and I just look at that now and go, and I every now and then we'll do that again and it's just like what am I thinking?
• 34:48
  Speaker 1: It's okay, like everything doesn't have to be instantaneous, and I think we need to remind ourselves of that.
• 34:54
  Speaker 1: Yeah, because we'll make better decisions, we'll respond in a more positive, unrushed, thoughtful way, etc.
• 35:01
  Speaker 2: Sure, yeah and Lee.
• 35:02
  Speaker 2: There's two things I'm hearing there in in your reaction, and the first thing is sorry for the delay.
• 35:05
  Speaker 2: There's not a delay.
• 35:05
  Speaker 2: You were, yeah, and lee.
• 35:06
  Speaker 2: There's two things I'm hearing there in in your reaction, and the first thing is sorry for the delay.
• 35:08
  Speaker 2: There's not a delay.
• 35:09
  Speaker 2: You were actually being very dedicated to this.
• 35:11
  Speaker 2: You were working, yeah.
• 35:13
  Speaker 2: So that's a really interesting reframe for anybody who is listening, who's in work and who does apologize in their emails or their texts.
• 35:21
  Speaker 2: A great little simple thing that doesn't take a long time.
• 35:24
  Speaker 2: It's very practical is thank you for your patience if it's a genuine delay, right if it's not a genuine yeah, yeah and and the second thing I I heard you say was um, all those back-to-back meetings, when did you have lunch?
• 35:41
  Speaker 1: oh, I didn't eat yeah, so it was just coffee all day and then that's obviously I think you know at some point that just started to gain weight, and then I I would need energy at the end of the day just to keep going and see my family do whatever I need to do, and then I usually didn't eat well.
• 35:57
  Speaker 2: And then that's back to basics.
• 35:58
  Speaker 2: You weren't fulfilling your basics, you didn't have boundaries with yourself and there was no harmony because it was all rush.
• 36:04
  Speaker 2: There's something else that's really interesting and it went viral a while ago on TikTok and we talked about burnout before Lee and we both suffered from it.
• 36:11
  Speaker 2: But there's something else that comes before burnout and again people don't realize.
• 36:16
  Speaker 2: I'll address the multitasking first.
• 36:19
  Speaker 2: Monotasking is the new thing.
• 36:21
  Speaker 2: If you multitask that email, I bet there were lots of typos, that apology, I bet there were lots of mistakes and unclear messaging.
• 36:28
  Speaker 2: Multitasking reduces our concentration by 42% when we jump from one thing to another.
• 36:35
  Speaker 2: That's the first thing.
• 36:36
  Speaker 2: Monotasking do the gig and finish it.
• 36:40
  Speaker 2: We talked about burnout.
• 36:42
  Speaker 2: We talked about going so fast that you know we actually we can't even think straight anymore.
• 36:51
  Speaker 2: We've got that brain fog.
• 36:52
  Speaker 2: But that can happen way sooner than fully fledged burnout.
• 36:53
  Speaker 2: It's called functional freezing and it's all to do with our nervous system.
• 36:56
  Speaker 2: And I'm sure you've heard before fight or flight you know, I'm hustling here, I'm pushing really hard and my nervous system is nearly stratospheric.
• 37:04
  Speaker 2: It's going so hard but there's the opposite.
• 37:07
  Speaker 2: Then there's the freeze, and that happens when people mask up, like so many really passionate people do.
• 37:14
  Speaker 2: They push really hard and where they need to put their energy, they put it, but at the end of the day, 6 pm comes and they have the schedule family life, the kids schedule, homework, emotional foundations to provide for their kids, walk the dogs.
• 37:30
  Speaker 2: Functional freeze is when you've given all your energy, anything that's left, what's left of you, and you actually freeze and you go.
• 37:38
  Speaker 2: Oh, my goodness, I'm so addled and overwhelmed that I don't know where I'm going to summon the energy for the rest of the day.
• 37:46
  Speaker 2: I think a lot of the world is stuck here.
• 37:48
  Speaker 2: They may not be in fully fledged burnout, but they're addled by the everyday overwhelm, pushing and trying to find that extra energy that we don't actually have.
• 37:58
  Speaker 2: We were meant to rest.
• 38:00
  Speaker 2: Humans perform best when we rest.
• 38:02
  Speaker 2: So that multitasking goes in there, that decision making goes in there, that basics goes in there boundaries, and it all adds up and back to your initial point our choices, our decision making, and it's just really interesting that functional freezing is a term that's just coming up now, but a huge percentage of the world is suffering from it and that burnout since 2000 has just gone on this upward trajectory.
• 38:30
  Speaker 2: It's over 25% growth, now 30, 40% growth.
• 38:34
  Speaker 2: So people's awareness is so important.
• 38:38
  Speaker 2: Is that me?
• 38:38
  Speaker 2: What have I got on today that I could actually reschedule?
• 38:41
  Speaker 2: You know what decisions can I make?
• 38:43
  Speaker 2: What choices can I make to get my basics right, to keep my life?
• 38:47
  Speaker 2: You know, pretty grounded, that I can helicopter myself.
• 38:51
  Speaker 2: I can watch myself on a, you know, on a TV screen and go.
• 38:54
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm living towards my values and my beliefs and every day is something new to work on, but for today it's good.
• 39:02
  Speaker 1: Yeah, exactly, exactly.
• 39:04
  Speaker 1: So where can people find you?
• 39:06
  Speaker 1: What's the best way?
• 39:07
  Speaker 1: I know we're going to have lots of information down in the notes, but anything fun you want to share about kind of what's next for you, oh lots of fun things.
• 39:15
  Speaker 2: Lots of fun things.
• 39:16
  Speaker 2: And next week, on Monday, tuesday, wednesday I have a three day challenge for people to get their basics right, to have a look at their boundaries and to find that balance and harmony.
• 39:26
  Speaker 2: That's really simple.
• 39:27
  Speaker 2: It's very cool.
• 39:28
  Speaker 2: It's 30 minutes at lunchtime and I did it purposefully so that it would be manageable for people.
• 39:32
  Speaker 2: Um, as you know, leigh, you're on a 12-week coaching program.
• 39:36
  Speaker 2: It's bespoke to women and I look after corporate teams where it's really, really specific what the outcomes, and all of my sporting life helps a lot with that.
• 39:45
  Speaker 2: But you'll find me on LinkedIn, at Claire O'Connor Thebrightlifecoachingcom is my website, at the Bright Life Coaching, on Instagram and Facebook.
• 39:54
  Speaker 2: And, yeah, I would be delighted to answer any questions that anybody has, and all the information will be in the notes.
• 40:00
  Speaker 1: So I'm sure you've got this, yeah, so check it out in episodes notes below for the podcast.
• 40:06
  Speaker 1: Thank you so much for being on the bold lounge and sharing your bold journey and some great tips that I think people can apply today of how to kind of gain some momentum on their next step and realizing that that's all they need to do is just take the next step.
• 40:22
  Speaker 1: Thank you so much.
• 40:22
  Speaker 2: Claire.
• 40:23
  Speaker 2: Thank you, lee, it was my pleasure.
• 40:29
  Speaker 1: Thank you for listening to the Bold Lounge podcast.
• 40:31
  Speaker 1: Through the continuum of bold stories vulnerability to taking a leap you will meet more extraordinary people making a positive impact for others through their unique and important story.
• 40:41
  Speaker 1: By highlighting these stories, we hope to inspire others and share the journey of those with a bold mindset.
• 40:47
  Speaker 1: We hope you've enjoyed this podcast and look forward to sharing the next bold journey with you.