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S2E4 - Choice-Giving: The Antidote to Power and Control Struggles · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

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You're listening to the
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Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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Hi, I'm doctor Brenna hicks, The Kid Counselor.
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This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where
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I give you insight awareness and
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enlightenment about your parenting and your relationship with your kids.
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In today's episode, we are diving into the second pillar
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of child-centered play therapy. So last week, we covered reflecting feelings
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and it was kind of a refresher crash crash course if you will.
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So those of you that are familiar with the skill kind of was a helpful reminder.
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And then maybe for those of you that are new and had never heard of it before.
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I hope that you were able to
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dive in a little bit and start to understand the value of reflecting feelings.
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So we're going to move into choice giving today, which is the second pillar.
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There are four
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and you'll notice that all of these pillars have an outcome.
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So when you reflect feelings, like we talked about last week,
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you get an emotional vocabulary development,
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you get a better sense of communication of emotions from children.
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They build an emotional IQ and vocabulary
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and they feel more understood and heard and validated.
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So those are outcomes from the reflecting feeling skill.
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Now, we're going to talk through the choice giving skill,
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which the outcome there is,
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child feels ownership over outcomes.
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Child gets to practice decision making
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and child
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usually reduces their power struggles
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because they've been given a measure of control in other areas of their life.
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So we're gonna talk through those three components and
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kind of make sense of the choice giving process,
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the path to calm, confident and in control. Parenting starts now.
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All right.
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So let's start with some basic principles here before we dive into the actual skill,
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kids have very little control over anything in their life.
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So when you have a child that is always at the mercy of someone
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or a circumstance,
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they are told what, where, how, when, why
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and really don't have a lot of autonomy,
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really don't have much power or control at all.
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So understandably,
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since we are all wired the same, even in childhood,
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we don't like to feel like we have no control.
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So children will grasp at any measure of power and control that they can take,
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they begin to fight
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for power and control when they have felt powerless and out of control.
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So if we understand that,
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that gives us a why behind a lot of
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the power struggles that we experience with our children,
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right?
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And once we understand they just feel powerless,
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they just feel like they don't have any control,
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then
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the logical conclusion would be
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I need to find ways to make them feel that they
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have some measure of power and control in their life.
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Well, choice giving is your answer.
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So
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if you provide children with opportunities
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to make choices consistently and frequently,
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it will naturally reduce the power struggles
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because here's what happens,
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kids will fight for it when they feel like they need it.
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But once they realize that they're given a measure of power consistently,
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they find a balance. In other words,
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I really don't like it when I don't have any power,
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but I am given power quite frequently.
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So it's ok to not have it in this moment
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because I get it other times.
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But a child that's not given choices
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really does not have opportunities to feel like they have any measure of control.
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So when they're put in another place where they don't have any control,
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they will fight it, tooth and nail.
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So it becomes a really helpful antidote to
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a power struggle to provide children with choices.
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All right. So
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the process of choice giving
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is two fold. I'm going to save one for
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in conjunction with the limit setting pillar which will be next.
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So there are consequences
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choices as well. So
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sometimes you provide choices as part of a consequence
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related to a limit that has been set.
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But we're gonna hold off on that category of choice
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giving until we learn more about the limit setting skill.
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So for true choice giving they are empowerment choices
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and you are going to provide choices
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just for the sake of empowering your child.
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And I will give you lots of examples in a moment.
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But the goal is
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the child has the opportunity to have a measure
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of control over whatever the circumstance may be.
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So they are empowerment choices for the sake of
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returning some control and power to your child.
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Now, this is where I usually get,
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Oh my gosh, Brenna, what are you talking about? Looks or commentary? Ok.
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So
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no,
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the answer to all of your unspoken questions or
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maybe the ones that you're screaming at the,
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the speaker right now.
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I know that that happens.
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I,
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I'm very well aware that sometimes you all do not like the
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things that I say to you and you let me know it loudly.
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So that's ok.
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That's why, that's why I like the podcast thing because, you know, you can talk to me.
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I talk to you. It's how it goes.
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But this,
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it's not to be misinterpreted or misconstrued that your
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child just gets to be in control of everything.
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Oh, I'm just gonna give my choices all day long and they're never gonna be told no.
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And they're never gonna have any,
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you know, thing that they don't like, they're always gonna be able to make a choice.
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They're always gonna have what they want.
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No, no, no, no, none of those are true.
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I know that's where everyone's brain goes,
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when you say you're going to empower them, you're going to give them choices.
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They're going to have a say in the matter.
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Here's the beauty of the child-centered choice giving model.
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You establish the parameters
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and the boundaries
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within which the child can make the choice.
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So
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they actually don't really have much power at all. They don't get their way,
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they don't get whatever they want,
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they only get to choose from the choices that you provide them,
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which
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arguably you're going to be ok with either
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of the options because you're setting the parameters
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and I'll help you see what that looks like in a moment.
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But I wanna make this clear before we even dive into examples because
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the resistance that a lot of parents will raise regarding choice giving
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is
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my kid is not gonna be that kid that just always gets his
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way and always gets to have a say in everything and you know,
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can never be told.
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No,
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that's not. What choice giving is. Choice giving is empowerment
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for the sake of helping the child have a measure of control.
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But you are ultimately setting the parameters and the boundaries.
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So therefore you are ultimately in control.
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You don't want the child to feel that way
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that's not communicated or expressed in any way,
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but that is the truth.
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So you establish the parameters
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and they have to be mutually agreeable.
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So they are equally as agreeable to you as they are to the child,
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you give two choices
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and you're ok with either and the child would be ok with either.
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It does not work if you give one agreeable choice and one very disagreeable choice
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and think that the child is actually making a choice there.
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If you know the child's going to find something disagreeable,
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that's not a choice that's forcing the child's hand
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and that completely defeats the purpose of choice giving.
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So let's talk through some examples.
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You always pack your child's lunch
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and you know that you want him or her to always have a piece of fruit in the lunch box.
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So rather than just throwing grapes in or throwing
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apple slices in or throwing a Mandarin orange cup in
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or whatever fruit you happen to have in the house,
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you would offer the child the choice.
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So
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Jack,
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I'm packing your lunch.
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You can choose to have apple slices today or you can choose to have grapes today,
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which do you choose?
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Now? Let's unpack some of this, the details there. Number one, did you notice that?
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I said the word, choose three times.
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You can choose to have apple slices, you can choose to have grapes,
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which do you choose?
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It's very clear that it's a choice.
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It's very clear that Jack gets to make that choice
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and it's very clear what the parameters are.
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Another noteworthy consideration
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you are OK with apples or grapes.
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So, Jack isn't just getting to
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cherry pick. Oh, I didn't even mean to use a fruit pun there.
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That wasn't on purpose but worked out.
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Jack is not able to just decide at any given moment. I want
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Star Fruit. I had to think of something random. I want Star Fruit.
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Well,
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that's not part of the choice.
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It's very clear that your boundaries that you've established
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are you can choose to have apple slices or you can choose to have grapes.
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Which do you choose? Now? This has to work because Jack has to like apples and grapes.
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If you throw in a fruit that he does not like
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it all falls apart.
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But assuming Jack loves apples and Jack loves grapes,
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then that would be a very appropriate empowerment choice.
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And here's what Jack is learning.
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I have a measure of control over what happens in my life.
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I get to choose things that I want.
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I get to feel like I have some power
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instead of all decisions being made for me.
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So let's throw out another scenario,
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Jane needs to
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take a bath
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but she does not want to take a bath.
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So
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the empowerment choice would be you can choose to take a bath right now
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or you can choose to take a bath in five minutes. Which do you choose?
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Notice that
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taking a bath
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is non negotiable,
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but the time frame in which Jane can take a bath,
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you set up a parameter, you're OK. If it's now or if it's in five minutes.
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So you're providing an empowerment choice to give her a say
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in the matter
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and give her some power and control over when she wants to take the bath.
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Look, she still doesn't want to take it,
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but it's at least not being forced on her. Now, she has a choice of when.
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So that would look like Jane. It's time to take a bath.
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You can choose to take it right now or you can choose to take it in five minutes.
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Which do you choose
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empowerment?
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Because the child learns,
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I don't always have to fight for control
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because I'm given a measure of control regularly.
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And you can do this with anything y'all, you can do this with what they wear.
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You can do this with what shoes they put on,
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you can do this with what music you listen to in your car,
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you can do this with what game you all play as a family, you can do this,
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what movie you watch on movie night?
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I mean, the list is endless.
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It is choices for the sake of choices.
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And here's what the child gains
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by
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consistently being provided with choices.
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Not only do they get to practice making decisions.
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Have you ever thought about that?
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How many times have your children been able to practice making a choice
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and feel what that feels like
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and own the consequence of those choices
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and
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wrestle with something that. They're not really sure what's the best option.
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That's not something you're born with. That's something that you practice.
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Kids need to practice decision making.
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They need to practice making choices.
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If we don't provide them with choices, they don't have opportunities to do that.
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So they practice decision making,
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they practice owning the outcome and the consequence
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because here's what will happen.
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You
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son Jack chooses apples
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for lunch in the earlier scenario
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and then comes home and did not eat his apples.
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And you say
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Jack, you didn't eat your apples today, but you chose to have apples earlier.
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Yeah, but once I got to school,
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I was really mad because I really wanted grapes and you gave me apples instead.
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So you fall back on the choice
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and they have an option of
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realizing
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that choices have consequences.
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So you would say,
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oh, you really wish that you would have chosen to have grapes,
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but you chose to have apple slices instead.
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But tomorrow you can choose to have grapes,
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see how
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you return the responsibility and ownership because
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Jack made the choice.
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Had you thrown apple slices in the lunch box
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that morning
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and he comes home and is mad as a hornet that he wanted grapes and you gave him apples.
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That's a very different conversation.
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But when Jack chose the apple slices,
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you don't even have to get flustered. You can just say,
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oh,
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you're really disappointed that you chose to have
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apples when what you really wanted was grapes.
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But you can choose to have grapes tomorrow
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because it was a choice that Jack made.
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There's ownership of outcome, there's ownership of consequence.
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There's responsibility that is required
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when you make a choice
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because the outcome is tied to the choice that's made in that moment.
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So even when you don't like the outcome,
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it's still on you because it was your choice.
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That's a very important actions have consequences lesson.
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And
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they always get an opportunity to choose again.
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So
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they will constantly be given choices and they get to
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practice and they get to learn what that feels like.
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They get to learn what consequences feel like
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whether they like them or whether they don't.
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So the whole thing is returning some power,
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returning some control within the parameters and
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boundaries that you set mutually agreeable choices.
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You're OK with either child is ok with either.
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And it is for the sake of helping them realize they don't always have
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to fight for power from you and always have a power struggle going on
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because they're given control many times throughout the day.
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That is a huge shift in the power dynamic
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when a child starts to feel that they're given choices pretty regularly.
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So I hope you find that helpful.
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That is
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a magical skill and it definitely helps a lot when you start to
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implement choices and see the impact that it has.
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It's very, very important. So
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I hope that as we move through these four pillars, it encourages you.
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My challenge for you this week
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is as many times as possible.
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Offer your children choices just for the sake
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of giving them the opportunity to make one
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and over time
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that builds so much in the way of their skills. It reduces power struggles with you
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and it really creates a healthy dynamic and balance
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between the two of you.
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So I hope that you will try that.
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This week,
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I'd love to hear from you if you want to shoot me an email and let me know how it goes.
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I'd love to hear brenna@thekidcounselor.com.
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And
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if you want to listen to other podcast episodes, go to
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playtherapyparenting.com and all the archived episodes are there
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in the first round and then also in the second season that we just released. So
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I'm so grateful for
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and every one of you. Thank you so much for being a part of
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the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast family. We'll talk again soon. Bye.
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Thank you for listening
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to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks
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for more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter.
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Please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.