Latest / The Thriving School Podcast with Jenni Awesome / The Power of Presence: What People Need Most Isn't Your Advice
Transcript
- Jenni Awesome: Hello and welcome to the Jenni Awesome podcast. My name is Jenni, and I am grateful to spend this time with you. Whatever time of day it is that you're listening, I hope that you're having a wonderful day today. So I've been thinking a lot about belonging and understanding the connection with people. And I was having a conversation with a friend yesterday. It was a beautiful conversation. She connected me with a bunch of other people that she worked with, a bunch of other people in the cafeteria we were at. And had this realization, have you noticed that some people leave a conversation feeling lighter? Like even though nothing in your situation changed, you might just feel lighter. I know I did. In those conversations, the marriage didn't magically get fixed, the bills didn't disappear, the diagnosis didn't change, and the circumstances stayed exactly the same, and yet somehow we walk away feeling better. Well, why is that? Well, I think it could be because someone truly made them feel seen. And I think that's one of the things that we're missing the most in the world today. Not information. We are so inundated with information. And not advice. Like the number of times I tell my husband, hey, I it's not the advice right now. That's that's not what I need. It's not the advice. It's not the solutions. That's not what we're going for. It's that connection. It's that feeling that my heart is open to you and your heart is receiving it and your heart is open to me and that I'm receiving it. And you know what's interesting? We're so much more connected, like globally, than we've ever been, and yet so many of us feel completely alone. I know I'm one of them. I feel completely alone. We have our phones, they're in our pockets. We are literally connected to thousands of friends online. There's text messages, group chats, video calls, all of it. And yet people are still in their homes wondering: does anyone actually understand me? That's a question underneath so much of what people are carrying. Not can someone fix this? Not, am I broken? Not do I need to be fixed? But Can somebody see me? See me as I am. Not as who you want me to be, but who I am and who I'm supposed to be. And maybe you've felt that before. I know I have. Maybe you've been going through something difficult and someone immediately jumped into problem-solving mode. Yep. I've got that covered. So here's how it goes. You tell them you're struggling. Before you're even finished talking, they're telling you what you should do. They're giving you advice. They're sharing strategies, they're trying to fix it. And while they're talking, you might be thinking, well, you don't get it. Not because their advice is wrong, but because they skipped right past understanding. People don't want to be fixed before they feel. Understood. I mean think about that. How many arguments happen because someone is trying to solve a problem that hasn't actually been heard yet? How many relationships struggle because one person is offering answers while the other person is desperately asking for understanding? I've seen this as a parent. I've seen this as an educator. I've seen this as a leader. I see this quite often with my husband. And I feel this way. I've seen this in my own life many times. And sometimes people aren't looking for a solution. And I've gotten to the point where I've I've had to prompt those conversations with my husband and say, okay, I'm not asking for a solution in this because he's so fix-it mindset. Like that's what he does. He builds houses. He's gonna fix the problem. Sometimes I just want to be heard. Sometimes we're just looking for a witness. Someone who will sit with them and say, you know what, that sounds hard. I can see why you're hurting. Please tell me more. Three simple words. Tell me more. Man. You know, that that really just hit me. I would love to hear my husband say, hey. Tell me more. Like, why do you feel this way? Why did you feel that giving up disc golf was a great idea? Tell me more. What would happen if we said that more often? What would happen if we became more curious than corrective? Because here's what I've learned. Most people are carrying stories they don't tell. Myself included. There's quite a few stories that I just haven't told yet. And I'm gonna tell you this. The people who aren't telling their stories are the confident people, the successful people, the funny people, and the strong person. Each one of them is carrying something. And when someone finally creates enough safety for them to tell the truth, something incredible happens. The walls start coming down. The masks that belong and we don't. They start coming off. Healing begins. Not because someone had the perfect answer, but because someone cared enough to create space for honesty. Belonging begins the moment someone feels safe enough to tell the truth. So think about that. I want you to think about the people who have changed your life. Really think about them. Like reach out and connect with your memory of that person. The people that you'll never forget. The people who helped shape who you have become. Were they the smartest people? Maybe. Were they the most successful people? Quite possibly. But I would bet that you what I would bet that what you remember isn't what they taught you. It's how they made you feel. You remember feeling encouraged, accepted. You remember feeling valued. You remember feeling seen. Because many people may forget your advice. But they'll never forget how they felt in your presence. People may forget your words, but they'll remember how safe they felt with you. I think this is especially important right now because so many people are exhausted. They're exhausted from performing, exhausted from pretending, exhausted from trying to be strong all of the time. And what they need isn't another person telling them what they're doing wrong. What they need is someone who can sit beside them and remind them they're not carrying it alone. I think that's one of the greatest gifts we can give another human being. Not perfection, presence, not answers, attention, not fixing, understanding. And honestly, this is where belonging lives. Not in agreement, not in sameness, not in having all the right words. lives in being seen, being heard, being valued, and being known. The opposite of belonging isn't loneliness, it's invisibility. And that's why presence matters. Because every person you meet is silently asking the same question. Do I matter? The student who's acting out, the employee who's disengaged, the spouse who's frustrated, the friend who's pulling away, the stranger who's having a rough day. Every one of them is asking, do I matter? And every time we slow down long enough to truly see someone, we answer that question without even realizing it. So here's my challenge for you this week. The next time someone starts telling you about their struggle, pause. Resist the urge to fix it. Resist the urge to teach. Resist the urge to make it about you. And instead ask. Tell me more. Then listen. Not to respond, not to solve, not to win. to understand. Because sometimes the most healing words you'll ever speak aren't complicated at all. They're simply, I'm here. And sometimes that's exactly what someone's been waiting to hear. And I'm gonna give you a little extra here about listening to understand. If you find yourself sitting there in your head, coming up with what you want to say to them, instead of how you can say back to them what they said to you, you're listening to respond. You're listening to solve. You're listening to come up with an answer. However, if you can listen to them, let it really sink in and repeat back to them what they said to you. So what I'm hearing you say is. that you're really upset that I went ahead and went into Starbucks without you. And verify with the person, hey, is that what you said? It's a huge connecting moment. We actually used to, were in counseling for a while as a whole family. We had family counseling, us and our five kids. And that was one of our dinner time table practices was that you would tell a story to the person next to you, and they responded back, told their story to the next person, responded back. We run around the table that way and and practice. listening to understand and it was actually it was a pretty pretty wonderful activity to do around the dinner table. So, you know what else is really interesting? In all the years I've spent working with students, parents, teachers, leaders, families, and honestly, I never realized it. People are a lot more alike than we think. The details are different, the stories are different, the circumstances are different. But underneath all of it, I think most people are asking the exact same question Do I matter? Not am I successful, not am I right? Not am I winning? Do I matter? And I think that's why so many people are hurting right now. Not because they don't have information. We have more information than we've ever had. You can Google anything. You can watch a YouTube video about anything. Listen to a podcast about anything. We are drowning in information. But what we're starving for is connection. And that is a completely different thing. And maybe you felt this before. Maybe you've had one of those days where everything feels heavy. You're carrying stress, frustration, disappointment, fear, grief, overwhelm, and maybe all of it at the same time. You finally decide to talk to someone. You open up. You become vulnerable. And before you've even finished your sentence, they jump in with that advice. ⁓ wait, here's what you should do. No, no, no. You just need to, well, have you tried? And that's all about the the tools. The doing. It's about being a human doing, not a human being. Suddenly, you don't feel better. You feel more alone. You close off. Those walls come straight back up. And it's not because they didn't care. They they cared. Not because their advice was bad. It may have been great advice. But they skipped something important. They skipped understanding. They skipped connecting. People don't want solutions before they feel seen. And the older I get, the more I realize that most people aren't looking for someone to fix them. Lord knows I wasn't looking for anyone to fix me either. I have to do it myself. They're looking for someone who will sit beside them long enough to understand them, and that's different. That's truly different. Because fixing is about outcomes, and presence is about people. And I think we've gotten so comfortable with pain that we rush people past it. Someone's grieving. We want to help them move on. Someone's hurting. You want to make them feel better. Someone's struggling. We want to solve the problem. And yet, some of the most meaningful moments in my life have come from people who didn't fix anything because they couldn't. The situation didn't change. The pain didn't magically disappear, but they sat with me anyways. They listened and they cared. And somehow, that changed everything. Sometimes healing begins when someone stops trying to fix your pain and starts helping you carry it. I want to tell you a little bit about my philosophy as a teacher. And I I don't know if I've shared this yet, but I taught middle school math for, I don't know, fifteen years or so and ⁓ I realized walking in that I was ⁓ in the classroom teaching the subject that most kids hated. They did not like math. They thought they were dumb, they were stupid, incapable, why try? So working with a group of middle schoolers who are right there at that age where they're trying to figure out who they are, what matters to them, and and going into a class where they already feel uncomfortable, taking the time to have those conversations with the kids to build that growth container as a community, as a classroom community where we're all able to share our stories. We're all able to take those risks. And be able to learn together. That is where I was able to help kids connect to see past, hey, I'm no good at math, to remove that mask, to remove that label and see it from a different viewpoint of well, I may not have been good at this in the past, yet can still try. I can give it my all. And if I fail. That's fine. You're supposed to fail in math. That's why they have an answer and a solution. And belonging isn't about the answer or the solution. It's about the process up to that point where you can get to that answer and to that solution. And one of the hardest lessons I had to learn as a parent is that I can't save my kids. I can't control my kids. And I have to be there and support them the best way that I know how. While they're struggling, I've been going through all this leadership training too, and one thing that keeps coming up with struggle is that look, iron sharpens iron, steel sharpens steel. Diamonds are created under immense pressure. And gold is only refined by getting heated up to such a high point that all the impurities come out. Whatever struggle you're going through, whatever pain you're dealing with right now. This is what is setting you up for the next level in your life. This is the moment that God is putting you through so that you can be there and fully understand and appreciate whatever comes next, so that you're at that next capacity for whatever comes next in your life. And like I said, when my kids were little, I thought my job was to have all the answers. Anyone else? Like, I didn't want anyone to touch my daughter, my my firstborn, because I I to make sure she was safe and okay and didn't want her to get sick. I always thought that being a good parent meant knowing exactly what to say and exactly what to do and exactly how to help. And life humbled me because there were moments my kids didn't need answers. They need a connection. And they didn't need me to solve it. They needed me to sit beside them in it. And I think that's true for all of us. Whether we're talking about our children, our spouse, our friends, our coworkers, our students, or even strangers on the street. Most people are carrying things they don't talk about. The strongest person you know is carrying something. The happiest person you know is carrying something. The most successful person you know is carrying something. And the person that you idolize the most on social media, they're absolutely carrying something. Everybody is fighting battles we cannot see. Everybody. And what if one of the greatest gifts we could offer another human being wasn't wisdom? What if it wasn't attention? Sorry. What if it was attention? Real attention. Undivided attention, the kind that's becoming harder and harder to find. of the rarest things you can give someone today is your full attention. Think about that. How often are we listening while planning our response? Listening while checking our phone? Listening while mentally solving the problem? Listening while thinking about ourselves. We're physically present, but we're not actually there. And people can tell the difference. They can really feel the difference because when you're open and connecting with someone, there is an energy that comes from you. And when you're disconnected and sitting there on your phone, the room can feel it. They can always feel the difference. You know, one of my favorite questions when someone is upset is this. What's underneath that? What's coming to you? Because most of the time what we're seeing isn't the real issue. is rarely about anger. Defensiveness is rarely about defensiveness. Withdrawal is rarely about withdrawal. There's something underneath it. It could be fear, it could be hurt. It might be shame, disappointment, grief, loneliness. And when we become curious enough to look underneath the surface, we stop fighting the symptom and start understanding the person. Most anger is pain that hasn't found words yet. I wish more people understood that, especially in leadership. Especially when you're dealing with a school full of kids, and they're angry. And sometimes it's about what someone said the other day on TikTok, and it got passed around, and their mom found out, and who knows? But there's so much underneath it than just. what's coming up to the surface. It's like an iceberg. You know an iceberg? Ten percent of it floats above the water, ninety percent of it is below the water. And how do we how do we get under the surface? How do we raise the surface level so we can see more and understand more in these people around us? I really wish people understood more about this. I'm gonna say it again. Most anger is pain that hasn't found words yet. I wish people knew that in relationships that we had the capacity and space to hold space for people when anger is coming out. Because when people don't feel understood, they start fighting to be noticed. When they don't feel heard, they start raising their volume. When people don't feel valued, they start questioning their worth. And honestly, I think that's why belonging matters so much. Belonging isn't about fitting in. It isn't about being the same. Belonging is not about agreement. Belonging is the experience of being fully yourself and still feeling valued. That's that's what people are looking for. Not perfection, not performance, belonging. And I said it before. The opposite of belonging isn't loneliness. It's invisibility. And I'll tell you what, that one really hits me because I don't know if you've had the people ask you, you know, what would be your superpower, whatever. I always chose invisibility or flying, but I wanted to be invisible. And I became invisible. wasn't myself anymore. I was hiding. I became ⁓ I thought I was supposed to be instead of truly being and living and being myself. So to be in a room full of people and still feel alone, to be talking and not feel heard, to be struggling and feel like nobody sees it. Maybe that's why presence matters so much. Because every time we slow down long enough to truly see another human being, we remind them they matter. Not because we solved their problem, not because we had the perfect words, not because we fixed their life, simply because we showed up. Maybe that's the challenge today. Maybe the challenge isn't to become wiser. Maybe it isn't to become more productive. Maybe it isn't to become more successful. Maybe the challenge is simply to become more present. To put down the phone. To ask one more question. To listen a little longer. To stay curious a little deeper. To look someone in the eye and let them know, hey, I'm here. I am here for you. Because at the end of the day, people may forget what we told them. They may forget our advice. They may forget our solutions. But they will never forget how they felt in our presence. And sometimes the most powerful thing you can give another person isn't an answer. It's the experience of not having to carry life alone. And that's where I'll leave you today. Thank you so much for tuning in to the Jennifer Awesome Podcast. name is Jenni, and we are reigniting belonging.