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How Addiction Impacts Families (And What You Can Do to Help) · Recovering Out Loud

• 0:00
  Hey guys. Welcome back to Recovering Out
• 0:02
  Loud. I'm your host, Anthony.
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  Today I'm going to talk about addiction in the family.
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  Addiction is a family disease, but I want you to know today
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  that it is also a family recovery.
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  Everybody plays a role in both processes.
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  I know this impacted me this time around after my relapse,
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  significantly deeper than before because I lived with somebody,
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  my wife, who was Privy to my addiction, front row, front and
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  center. I know now what I put her
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  through and the amends that I've had to make in the process.
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  And it was a lot. I know how hard it is.
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  I've never experienced it personally with somebody else,
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  you know, friends here and there.
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  But living with someone with an addiction is a whole other ball
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  game, a whole other level. And so today I want to commend
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  you, first of all, if you are struggling with somebody that's
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  in your life that is going through addiction, it is a
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  helpless job. It is a thankless job.
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  It is a lonely feeling. This feeling of isolation and
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  lack of control can really spiral less out of control.
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  And I've worked with a lot, I work with a lot of families that
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  are trying to get their loved ones into treatment.
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  And it is heartbreaking to hear some of the stories of, you
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  know, he's such a smart guy. And I don't understand when he
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  drinks and uses, he's a different person.
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  Yes, that's true. When we use and drink, it is
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  Doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. That is not your son in there.
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  That is not your husband, your wife.
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  That is addiction. That is their addict self.
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  And to get to the recovery process, a lot needs to happen
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  beforehand. But you can control what you can
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  control, which is essentially your own mental health.
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  A lot of this isn't going to be good news, but there are steps
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  you can take. And I'm going to go through that
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  today. So when I was going through my
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  relapse, my wife was calling the morgue every night.
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  She was calling hospitals. She was calling police stations
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  because she didn't know where I was.
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  I would disappear for days at a time.
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  And we often hear this in addiction.
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  I'm only hurting myself. I'm only hurting myself.
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  Nobody else is. It's just me.
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  Stop worrying about me. I'm fine.
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  I've got this heartbreaking stuff.
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  Because we know that that's not true.
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  We are like tornadoes roaring through the home.
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  It impacts everybody on so many levels.
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  And I always like to think of it this way.
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  If you think of 1 addict in your life, one person struggling with
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  substances, you add maybe at minimum three people that
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  probably care about that person that are now suffering.
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  And then now three people per every one of those three people
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  that are suffering because they're worried about their
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  loved one. It's horrible.
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  It's a horrible situation. Hopefully some of this
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  information will help you today and gain some clarity on what
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  your role is and what you can do to help your loved one.
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  One of the hardest things to do in life is to love somebody that
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  is struggling with an addiction, especially if you've seen them
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  before the addiction, which is the case with my wife.
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  She saw me at 7 1/2 years of sobriety on my recovery game,
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  spiritually tapped in everyday helping others involved in in
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  recovery programming. And then she saw me fall to my
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  bottom and it was a lower bottom than I had ever hit.
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  And this is what happens. It gets worse before it gets
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  better for a lot of us unless we get help.
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  So when addiction is in a family environment, it often, it often
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  causes creates confusion, pain, fear, anger, right.
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  A lot of people are angry at why can't you just stop?
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  Don't you love me? If you would just stop, you're
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  killing me. Can't you see what you're doing
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  to this family, to your kids? Why can't you just stop?
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  Well, because it's not a choice. And a lot of us know that by
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  this point. But that's the unfortunate truth
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  of addiction. So in today's episode, I'm going
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  to go over what addiction in a family member feels like, why
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  families react the way they do, the difference between helping
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  and enabling. You're going to want to listen
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  to that part that is important, practical skills and tools.
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  How do I help? How do I support?
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  And what does enabling look like?
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  How do I stop enabling? Enabling is bad.
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  Supporting is where we want to hang out and what healthy
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  support actually looks like and how to take care of yourself
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  through all this. If before I go any further, if
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  you are struggling with a loved one in addiction or substance
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  abuse or drinking and you don't have a therapist of your own,
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  stop what you're doing right now.
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  Go on Psychology Today and find one.
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  Please do that for yourself. Find a therapist that can help
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  you through this. It is so important that you take
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  care of your own mental health. If you're not in a spiritually
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  fit, mentally fit, emotionally fit place to help somebody,
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  you're just going to make it worse.
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  And then when that person comes in asking for help, you're not
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  going to be ready because you're not fit yourself to be of
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  service to help that person. And if you're at a point now
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  where you're like, I need to leave.
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  I can't be a part of this anymore.
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  I understand that too. Don't be guilty about it.
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  You got to protect your kids, your mental health, your family.
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  Nobody would fault you. It's not easy loving an addict
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  or an alcoholic. Trust me, I know.
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  You need to do what you need to do, but hopefully this episode
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  will help you just hang on a little bit longer because great
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  things can happen when people come into recovery.
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  I've seen the worst scenarios righted.
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  I've seen amends made. I've seen families get brought
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  back together. It is a beautiful thing.
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  Like I said, family disease, family recovery.
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  It is possible and the family can thrive and through it and
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  and flourish through this recovery process.
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  So as we all know, addiction isn't just a single issue.
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  It's not a individual issue. It impacts the, you know,
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  impacts the entire family system.
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  It impacts trust. He's walking through the house
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  looking for drugs. How can I trust him?
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  He's hiding drugs everywhere. He's going to the bathroom by
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  himself at all hours of the night.
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  He's disappearing. How can I trust that person?
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  I get it. You can't yet it impacts
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  communication. How do I talk to him?
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  Every time he's high, he's telling me he's not going to do
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  it anymore. He's he's done, he's going to
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  give it up. He's promises, he promises it
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  impacts emotional safety. I don't feel safe around my
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  husband, wife, son, father, mother.
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  And it definitely impacts financial stability.
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  Where's all this money going? Bars, hotels, partying, drugs,
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  alcohol. And then it impacts family
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  roles. So what role do I play in the
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  family dynamic? And everybody plays a role, like
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  I said, off the top, what a lot of people don't realize is that
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  families can actually start adapting to the addiction.
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  So we, we start to change our behaviors in reaction to the
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  addiction, in response to the addictive patterns, behaviors,
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  even gambling. Some examples of this are
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  covering up for somebody's behavior.
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  So he's missing work or he's missing family functions and I'm
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  covering them, making excuses for them or, you know, he's
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  making up lies, making up stories so that I, you know,
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  people don't know what's going on.
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  It's it's a shameful place to be.
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  I don't want to tell people my husband's struggling with
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  alcohol. It's embarrassing.
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  Unfortunately, it's embarrassing, but we need to
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  reduce the stigma. There's so many people out there
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  that are struggling with this and have gotten through it.
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  Trust me when I say this, whatever your loved one is doing
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  in their life right now, you're not alone.
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  There are people that can help you that have been through it.
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  Al Anon is a great resource for people to use.
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  I strongly advise you use it Al Anon recovery groups.
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  It's free, there's meetings all over the place online, in
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  person. It helps you deal with the
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  addiction in the family and with your loved 1.
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  So we start taking on responsibilities that they
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  should handle and we avoid difficult conversations.
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  I don't want to fight with them, so I'm not even going to bring
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  it up this time. I get that over time, the whole
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  family begins to revolve around the the addiction.
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  It's we're stepping on egg shells as we say, we're walking
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  around. We're constantly unsure if a
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  bomb's going to go off, if we're going to get good dad today or
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  angry dad Jekyll and Hyde, like I said.
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  So these are some of the common rules that emerge in the family
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  dynamic. First is the caretaker, the
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  person that's trying to fix everything, avoiding
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  confrontation, making excuses for the loved one, protecting
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  the addiction addicted person from consequences.
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  That my friends, is the definition of enabling,
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  preventing the natural consequences of that person's
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  addiction or alcoholism. Second, we have the hero.
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  So the person that wears the Cape, it's often a child who
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  overachieves, somebody that wants to make up for the lack in
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  the family. It might you know, my dad's not
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  performing, so I need to take the Cape and and be the hero of
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  the family tries to make the family look normal.
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  So I'm hey guys, look at me. Just don't look at all the
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  drinking and drug use over there.
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  Our family's fine, everything is fine.
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  Then we have the scapegoat. So this is the person that acts
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  out and takes over the role of becoming the problem, whether
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  it's acting out at school or acting out at work or with
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  friends, The person that is taking over and you know, taking
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  the responsibility of being the problem, if you will, then we
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  have the lost child. This is the the child or person,
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  this is anybody that withdraws emotionally.
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  I can't handle this. This is I can tend to be this
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  person I fight flight or freeze. This is the person that sort of
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  just runs. They're they're not, they don't
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  want to be part of it. I'm out, I'm out.
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  Guys can't deal with this too much for me bringing up too much
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  trauma, too much emotion, can't handle it.
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  So although addiction does fundamentally change a person,
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  it doesn't change them at their core.
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  It changes the behavior of everyone around them.
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  So we're not. The people aren't changing.
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  You're adapting to the behaviors.
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  Now I'm acting differently than I would if my husband or friend
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  or partner lover wasn't using drugs and drinking.
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  Families going through addiction, dealing with
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  addiction, go through intense emotional cycles, common
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  feelings, fear. I'm scared my husband's going to
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  overdose. I'm scared he's going to
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  accidentally take fentanyl. I'm scared he's going to drink
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  and drive and flip his car. I'm scared he's going to
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  relapse. Fear of relapse, fear of what
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  will happen next. I just don't know what will
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  happen next because I didn't think we'd be this low.
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  We're at a point right now I didn't think it would get any
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  worse and it's just gotten worse.
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  I hear that all the time. Anger, so broken, Promises,
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  lies, manipulation, stealing. We do all sorts of crazy things
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  in addiction and it's not who we are at the core.
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  Fundamentally, addiction basically gathers all these
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  layers of armor on us and we start to defend ourselves and
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  act on those layers and behaviors.
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  I am changing my behaviors because I need to adapt to
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  keeping getting high, to keeping my substance.
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  It's not easy to keep addiction going.
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  There's a lot of that has to change and a lot that has to be
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  done to acquire and use my drugs and alcohol safely and the way I
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  want to Essentially guilt. Many family members think that I
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  caused this, could I have prevented it?
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  Common thing in Al Anon you hear all the time.
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  Or the three CS. You didn't 'cause it, you can't
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  cure it, and you definitely can't control it.
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  You didn't 'cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control
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  it. Addiction is more complex than
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  that. It's influenced by a lot of
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  things. Genetics, trauma, mental health,
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  environment, brain chemistry, all these things looped
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  together. It's multi layered, lead to
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  addiction. Some of us are predisposed to it
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  in my opinion. Others just needed to cope with
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  life. We use it as a crutch to get by.
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  It enhances our personality. Or we're escaping the moment
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  because we can't live in this current moment.
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  It's so uncomfortable for us, so we need drugs and alcohol to
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  escape, to quiet the noise in our head.
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  Everyone uses this for different reasons.
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  Families often carry guilt that does not belong to them.
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  Then we have the hope and disappointment cycle.
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  This one's tough. I already alluded to this a
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  little bit off the top, but the person promises to change.
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  How many times do you hear that? I'm going to stop.
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  I'm going to do it. And you believe them because
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  they are sincere. You hear all the time.
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  If you hooked me up to a lie detector test in the beginning
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  when I said I wasn't going to use drugs and drink today, I
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  would have passed every single time.
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  And there I was at the bar. I truly, fundamentally believe
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  that I am not going to do it. And then I end up drunk again or
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  high again. What is that about?
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  It's more than just choice deciding willpower.
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  Willpower is not going to keep you sober, get you sober.
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  I need community, I need a program, I need purpose.
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  I need to be useful to other people.
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  So the person promises to change, things start to improve,
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  we start to get our hope back. And then all but the alcoholic,
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  an addict, just rips it down like a House of Cards with one
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  violent Bender or spree. It's painful.
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  And I understand that is why it is so important.
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  When somebody reaches up for help and says they're willing to
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  get help. You jump all over that
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  opportunity and move mountains to get that person into rehab or
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  treatment or counseling or 12 step program or SMART Recovery,
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  whatever it is. We change our minds 35 times.
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  I tell this to parents all the time I talk to and loved ones I
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  talk to on the phone. If your loved one is agreeing to
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  get help, don't wait another second.
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  Please jump on the opportunity. They will change their mind, I
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  guarantee you. You know, that was kind of, I
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  was kind of overreacting there. I don't really think I need
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  rehab. Rehab.
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  That's a little much, don't you think?
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  I didn't drink yesterday for a whole 4 hours.
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  Jump on the opportunity please for the love of God.
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  So all of this creates the family living in a state of
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  hyper vigilance. I'm constantly scanning, walking
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  on egg shells. Like I said, I'm constantly
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  aware of what my husband or loved one is doing at all times
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  and he I'm scared. I'm scared.
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  OK, Enabling versus support. Important stuff here.
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  This is one of the most misunderstood parts of
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  addiction. How do I enable?
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  How do I support? I don't enable him.
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  I tell him he needs to go get rehab all the time.
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  You are probably enabling in more areas than you think, so
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  take a listen to this. As I said, enabling means
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  protecting someone from the consequences of their addiction,
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  the natural consequences of their addiction.
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  So you're giving them money for a haircut or for bills they have
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  to pay that'll likely end up going to substances or if you
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  pay for their groceries now they have more money to buy drugs
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  with. It's horrible.
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  It sounds terrible. How do I not give my partner son
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  money? It's enabling.
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  Another way is paying their bills, repeatedly lying to their
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  employers or other people covering for them, bailing them
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  out of legal trouble again and again, and ignoring destructive
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  behavior. So rationalizing in your head
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  when he goes out drinking and is hungover for three days, Oh,
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  it'll get better. It'll get better.
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  It's not going to get better. Trust me.
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  If somebody has crossed the line into compulsive use and
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  addiction, it won't get better. It might seem that it's getting
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  better on their own, but nobody can do it on their own.
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  No act of willpower once somebody crosses that line into
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  addiction. And how do I know someone's
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  crossed that line into addiction?
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  Well, if they're getting into consequences and they're still
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  using despite consequences, if they tell you they want to stop
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  and they can't, these are indications.
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  If they are constantly doing things they're saying that
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  they're never going to do, these are all signs.
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  Enabling usually comes from love and fear.
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  People often think if I don't help them, something terrible is
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  going to happen. But in the inverse, this is the
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  great paradox of it. Unfortunately, helping them can
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  actually unintentionally keep the addiction alive and drive
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  them closer to their death. Realistically, supporting looks
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  very different. This is what supporting looks
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  like. Healthy support means
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  encouraging treatment. I'm here when you're ready, but
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  I'm not going to partake in you killing yourself slowly.
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  I can't continue to watch you do this.
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  I'm scared for your life. I'm scared for our kids lives.
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  I don't know what is going to happen next.
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  I need you. I prefer if you we get help, we
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  can do it together. I'll drive you there.
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  I'll look up places. I'll help you.
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  Delaying the treatment is enabling.
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  So another healthy support is encouraging boundaries, setting
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  boundaries in a boundary. You know, I can go into a whole
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  podcast about boundaries, but essentially it's I am scared
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  when you drink, I can't have you drinking in the house anymore.
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  When you drink, I am not going to be around you.
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  I am not going to partake in your behavior.
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  I don't want you around the kids when you're drunk.
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  And so you take the kids. This is a, I've heard this
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  before, but boundaries are sort of our responsibility.
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  We can't expect somebody to leave the house, especially if
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  it's their house. And this is a tough one to wrap
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  your head around, but I am removing myself from the
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  situation. That is a boundary.
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  And then the hardest part is when you say you're going to do
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  it, actually following through. Don't do it alone.
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  I tell parents all the time, get help, family members, loved
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  ones, get people on your side to help you through this.
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  Don't do it alone. An example of a boundary is I
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  love you. I want you to get help, but I
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  can't give you money anymore. It's not abandonment, it's
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  healthy support. So I guess I will dive into
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  boundaries a little bit. And it's one of the hardest
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  things for families to do because it feels like we're
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  ostracizing the person, we're kicking them out, we're letting
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  them die. But it's actually the opposite.
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  Boundaries actually strengthen relationships.
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  They don't drive them apart. Done properly, many people
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  believe that it's being cold, cutting someone off, punishing
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  them. Not the case.
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  Boundaries are actually self protection.
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  So an example of healthy boundary, not allowing substance
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  use in the home, like I said, not providing money, not lying
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  to cover up behavior, not tolerating verbal or physical
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  abuse. This is a important one.
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  I cannot take your verbal or physical abuse anymore.
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  Boundaries protect your mental health, your safety, the
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  family's mental health and safety, and your emotional
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  stability. Sometimes boundaries are the
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  wake up call that somebody needs.
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  Maybe that boundary will push that person to a lower bottom,
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  forcing them to get help or pushing them into a place where
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  they're willing to accept help. Addiction thrives in chaos, and
• 17:09
  boundaries bring clarity back to the situation.
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  Families need recovery too. One of the biggest truths in
• 17:16
  addiction recovery is that the family also needs healing.
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  It's a family recovery. Like I said, there's often a lot
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  of codependency that happens. Anxiety, trauma responses,
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  burnout from trying to deal with addiction in our lives, and
• 17:28
  loved ones dealing with addiction.
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  So codependency for me is I need you to love me so that I can
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  love myself. This is the kind of behavior
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  that develops over time. As long as my loved one is
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  healthy, I'll be healthy, I'll be OK.
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  It's not necessarily productive. It's not a healthy place to be.
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  Codependency. So I mentioned this a little
• 17:51
  bit, but I'll go into it again. Support options for families,
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  they are out there. Al Anon Naranon for drugs,
• 17:58
  family therapy, support groups, education about addiction.
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  If your loved one goes to a rehab, A lot of the rehabs, the
• 18:04
  one that I work at has it. They have a family program that
• 18:07
  is included. Go to that family program.
• 18:10
  The hardest, biggest challenge I have as a coach and counselor is
• 18:15
  getting the loved ones to get their own help.
• 18:17
  By far. Why do I need to get help?
• 18:19
  He's the one with the problem because you can only control
• 18:22
  yourself. You can't control them and that
• 18:26
  addiction, whether you like it or not, has impacted you more
• 18:28
  than you probably know. Go and get help.
• 18:31
  Recovery for families means education, so learning how
• 18:34
  addiction works. I'll never forget this.
• 18:35
  My dad, the first rehab I went to my dad, he would always say
• 18:39
  to me, Anthony, you're just being stupid, all you care about
• 18:41
  is the next party. He didn't understand addiction
• 18:43
  the way he does now and it was by going to the family program,
• 18:46
  going and getting help, being open minded, being willing to
• 18:49
  learn that he understood. No, this is not Anthony choosing
• 18:52
  to ruin his life. Relapsing after 7 1/2 years was
• 18:55
  a perfect example. I am not cured of this thing.
• 18:58
  If any other person got 7 1/2 years without using any
• 19:00
  substances and then started using them again, they would
• 19:03
  probably not have gone off the deep end like I did.
• 19:06
  They would have been able to control it.
• 19:07
  And that was not the case for me.
• 19:10
  I am stuck with this thing and it is not a curse.
• 19:12
  It is actually my superpower today.
• 19:15
  You cannot control someone else's recovery.
• 19:17
  That is the if you get anything out of this episode, take care
• 19:19
  of yourself. You can control how you respond
• 19:22
  to the addiction. So there's a lot of negatives in
• 19:24
  this episode, but I want to close with some hope.
• 19:27
  Loving someone with addiction is incredibly hard and I commend
• 19:30
  you for doing it because you are a fighter.
• 19:32
  Whether you know it or not, you are a fighter.
• 19:34
  My wife is a fighter, my parents are fighters, my sister is a
• 19:36
  fighter, my brother-in-law is a fighter.
• 19:39
  I put them through a lot. I dragged them through the mud
• 19:41
  and now I realize being in recovery what the impact I had
• 19:44
  tornado roaring through the home.
• 19:46
  I have since made amends. I'm also making a living amends
• 19:49
  by working a recovery program and not drinking and not
• 19:51
  repeating the behavior. It takes time to get here.
• 19:53
  Be patient with your loved one or if you've decided you can't
• 19:57
  take part in it anymore, take care of yourself and your kids,
• 20:01
  at least for the time being. There is no script for this,
• 20:03
  there's no perfect way to handle it.
• 20:05
  These are just some tips that hopefully help you gain a better
• 20:07
  understanding of what role you play in the family dynamic and
• 20:10
  and the addiction dynamic. Whether you like it or not, you
• 20:13
  do play a role. I'm not saying it's your fault,
• 20:15
  you didn't 'cause it like I said, but you.
• 20:17
  There is a role that you are playing in the dynamic.
• 20:21
  Take care of your own role. Take responsibility
• 20:23
  accountability for your own part in it.
• 20:25
  If you are choosing to stay around and bail that person out,
• 20:28
  that's your part. You have contributed,
• 20:31
  unfortunately, to that addiction.
• 20:32
  The good thing is you can stop right now.
• 20:35
  So once again, the three truths. You didn't cause the addiction.
• 20:39
  You cannot control it and you cannot cure it.
• 20:42
  Don't ever forget that. What you can do is support
• 20:45
  recovery, protect yourself, and learn healthier ways to respond.
• 20:50
  Remember, that is not your loved one inside that person right
• 20:54
  now. The addiction has taken over.
• 20:56
  You are dealing with something bigger than both of you.
• 20:58
  Try to separate the person from the addiction.
• 21:01
  That is one of the most helpful Jesus tidbits of advice I could
• 21:06
  give you. Separate the person from the
• 21:08
  disease. I'll end with this.
• 21:10
  Sometimes the most loving thing you can do in this situation is
• 21:14
  to stop trying to rescue them from the consequences of their
• 21:18
  addiction. You might let them hit a newer
• 21:21
  bottom that they need to hit where they can get help.
• 21:23
  Rock bottom is when you stop digging.
• 21:25
  Rock bottom always has a trapdoor, but rock bottom is
• 21:28
  somewhere where someone has to be to get changed, to want to
• 21:31
  change, to be willing to get help.
• 21:34
  Thank you so much for listening today.
• 21:36
  I hope this helped one person. Please like, comment and
• 21:39
  subscribe to the podcast. I appreciate all of you.
• 21:41
  I am going to be back in the studio with more guests coming
• 21:44
  up. I've just been busy and money is
• 21:46
  an issue right now renting the studio so I enjoy doing these
• 21:50
  ones. If you have any ideas please
• 21:51
  send them to me. If no one has told you this
• 21:53
  today, I love you.