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S2E14 - Encouragement: The Easiest and Most Effective Parenting Tool You Can Use Every Day · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

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  You're listening to the
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  Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  Hi, I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks, The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give
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  you insight awareness and enlightenment about your parenting
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  and your relationship with your kids.
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  In today's episode, we are dealing with the final of the four pillars
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  and the practical application
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  of your use of these pillars at home.
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  And so we kind of went through the pillars individually and
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  now we are going through how you can actually implement them
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  in your day to day with your kids whenever
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  they're
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  in the car with you, they're in the house with you, they're, you know,
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  driving to and from extracurriculars, whatever
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  where you can actually find opportunities to implement.
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  So we're talking about the final one, which is encouragement today.
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  And if you remember in the encouragement explanation,
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  there's a huge difference between praise and encouragement
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  wherein
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  you are never going to give a value
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  laden word.
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  The easiest way to remember what a value laden word is is that it has an opposite.
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  So good, opposite is bad. Awesome, opposite is awful
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  and there's always the opposite spectrum for whatever value Laden word,
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  which would be praise.
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  And so when we're thinking about this and we've,
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  we've learned about the value of encouraging
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  how it's empowering, it's esteem building.
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  It helps a child feel that they have a measure of control over their circumstances.
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  And the beauty of that is as kids do not
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  fight so hard for power and control.
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  It's because they know that they are constantly given
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  a measure of power and control through encouragement.
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  And
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  they really do feel that as you give
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  them opportunities to think about what they've done,
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  they feel empowered enough that they don't always have to fight for power.
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  And there's kind of a self fulfilling prophecy there.
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  I'm proud of myself. I worked hard. I didn't give up.
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  And that makes them feel that they have power and they do feel control
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  they have control over their circumstances
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  and then it doesn't become such a power struggle.
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  So
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  when we're thinking about how to practically use this at home,
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  here are some things that I think will be really helpful and you should be able to,
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  I think implement this probably easier than the other three because there are
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  always so many opportunities to encourage throughout the day with your kids.
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  The path to calm, confident, and in control parenting starts now
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  your easiest thing to do
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  to ensure that you are encouraging rather than
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  praising is to start with the word you.
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  We talked about this before.
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  But when we're thinking about how we're going to do this on a day to day basis.
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  Just start with the word you for almost anything that you say
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  to your kids because that means that it aligns with reflecting feelings,
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  it aligns with limit setting and it aligns with choice giving.
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  Therefore that is your go to start with you and you'll be on the right track.
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  So you,
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  and then what effort they contributed,
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  you didn't give up, you kept trying,
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  you figured it out,
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  you did it, you got it, you have a plan, you know what to do.
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  Notice that they are not about
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  you.
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  It's not about your opinion. It's not about what you think.
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  It's not about your evaluation.
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  It has nothing to do with you whatsoever. It is solely focused on the child
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  and the power of that is that kids are constantly doing things
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  all day, every day.
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  So this is one where you could probably do this every 30 seconds.
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  If you really focused on this skill at home,
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  they are constantly going to give you opportunities to encourage them.
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  And as you are encouraging them,
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  you start with the word you and you make sure that it is about their contributions,
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  their efforts
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  and what they are working on
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  and that way as they
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  are trying to ride their bike without training wheels
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  as they are trying to complete their homework,
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  even though they're frustrated
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  as they are
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  doing their chores when they've been asked to,
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  as they
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  are running in baseball practice.
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  And they're exhausted by the time that practice is over.
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  Notice that in every single one of these scenarios
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  you can use encouragement
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  and the point of doing so
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  is it allows the child to self reflect?
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  Because if we say
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  good job bud,
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  all the child hears is mom or dad or whomever loves me thinks that I did a good job
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  if you say
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  you kept going and you didn't give up.
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  Now, all of a sudden the child is forced to evaluate self.
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  Did I keep going?
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  Did I persevere?
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  Did I not give up? Did I continue until it was over?
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  Yes, I did
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  and notice that that develops self esteem.
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  You get a sense of who you are when someone serves as the looking glass for you.
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  And in an episode, a long, long time ago,
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  we've talked about actually several episodes.
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  We've talked about the pygmalion effect.
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  We've talked about self fulfilling prophecy.
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  We've talked about looking glass self.
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  So if you are not familiar with those concepts,
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  please go back and look through the archives of
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  episodes and you'll be able to listen to those.
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  But the power of self concept
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  is that a child, self concept is developed
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  because of what other people communicate.
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  So if you were saying
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  you worked really hard, you didn't give up.
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  The child is internalizing that message and then is forced to reconcile it.
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  In other words, did I actually keep trying?
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  Did I persevere?
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  Did I give up and she has no idea what she's talking about.
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  If, what you say,
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  aligns with the child's truth and aligns with the child's experience,
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  they develop a healthy and appropriate self concept.
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  I'm a child that doesn't give up.
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  I'm a child that keeps going until I figure something out
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  I can problem solve.
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  I have tenacity.
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  I'm willing to do hard things.
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  Notice that self concept comes out of all of those internal processing.
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  If we say you're awesome,
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  that doesn't require any processing.
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  Although your child might in fact be awesome. I have an awesome kid too.
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  But when we say that to a child, it does not have the same impact.
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  So the idea of encouragement
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  and also esteem building because they kind of go together
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  is that you are constantly focusing on what the child contributes
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  and the effort that they're putting forth
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  and saying it out loud back to them
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  in a response
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  because the best way for a child to truly know who they are, accept who they are,
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  value who they are.
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  The best way to do that is to encourage them.
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  And it takes you out of the mix. There's no evaluation,
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  there's no expectation,
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  there's no opinion given.
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  It is truly just an acknowledgment of the child and what the child chose to do.
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  And that is very, very
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  informative for a child
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  and it really allows them to ponder
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  is this what I believe about myself
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  and that's what we want for our kids is that they have a healthy sense of identity.
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  They know who they are, they know what they're capable of
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  and their self concept is accurate.
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  There are lots of adults in this world that have no sense of self concept.
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  They think they are one type of person and everyone
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  else thinks they are a totally different type of person.
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  That's lack of self concept development. That's lack of identity development.
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  When we praise kids, they don't get the benefit of self concept and identity.
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  So that's why it's so important to make sure that we're using encouragement.
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  So I hope you find that helpful.
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  I hope that you are able to challenge yourself to encourage your children this week.
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  Keep in mind though, this is probably the easiest one.
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  They give you as many opportunities as possible
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  throughout the week as you can have compared to the other skills.
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  So focus this week on using encouragement every time your child does something
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  you can encourage them.
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  And if you start with you, you're probably on the right track. So
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  hope that that will kind of
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  pep talk you to give that a shot this week.
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  If you haven't already, please go to playtherapyparenting.com,
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  not only can you sign up for my newsletter,
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  but you will also get a video of a birth order workshop that I did.
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  And I think you'll find that really helpful if you
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  are new I know I get new listeners every day.
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  So if you are new and this is the first time that you have found me. Welcome.
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  So glad you're here.
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  And we are a parenting group that
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  is focused on child-centered play therapy principles.
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  And it's kind of a master class in
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  parenting from this approach.
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  So, so glad you're here,
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  it would be really helpful for you to go back and listen to old episodes
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  so that you kind of get a sense of what this is all about.
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  And we've talked about all kinds of things over the years that would be helpful.
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  Even if you maybe you've been around forever.
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  It's always helpful to have a refresher. So
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  you can certainly
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  check that out as well. playtherapyparenting.com is where you will find that
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  and go to that website,
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  you'll see the episode archives and you can do a deep dive if you would like,
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  I know many of you binge
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  me. So binge, listen. So
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  if you want to do a whole bunch at a time, you have my blessing. Go for it.
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  I actually had someone tell me that they listen to me on 1.5
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  and then they can listen to more than one at a time. And I was like, I talk fast anyway,
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  so I cannot imagine
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  speeding me up.
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  But if you can handle that and I don't sound like a chipmunk,
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  then you have my blessing.
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  So
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  anyway, it was good to be with you all.
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  I greatly appreciate you love on your kids this week.
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  Know that what you are doing in investing in your parenting is very worthwhile
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  and only good will come out of it.
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  So, thanks for being a part of the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast family.
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  We'll talk again soon. Bye.
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  Thank you for listening
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  to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks
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  for more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter.
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  Please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.