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Elevate group conversations with a 'magical question' · Silver FM 100.6

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  Speaker 2: You're listening to Life Kit from NPR. Hey, it's maryel.
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  Speaker 2: I think we've all been to a gathering where we
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  Speaker 2: were bored out of our skulls, or the conversation felt
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  Speaker 2: stiff and awkward, where we found ourselves daydreaming about being
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  Speaker 2: anywhere else really, but preferably at home, tucked into bed.
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  Speaker 2: But what about the reverse, the dinner party, where people
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  Speaker 2: are actually connecting, where folks are interesting and interested, where
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  Speaker 2: the room sparkles with possibility. How do we get there?
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  Speaker 3: Start by throwing a gathering you want to attend, host
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  Speaker 3: something that literally makes you giggle, makes you like, yeah,
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  Speaker 3: I want to do that.
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  Speaker 2: Pria Parker is a conflict resolution facilitator an author of
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  Speaker 2: the book The Art of Gathering. In it, she says
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  Speaker 2: it's important to be intentional about gathering and to understand
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  Speaker 2: why we're actually bringing a particular group of people together. Now,
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  Speaker 2: she says, the sky's the limit when it comes to
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  Speaker 2: gathering because most of us are bored with the same
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  Speaker 2: old thing.
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  Speaker 4: And so when you get invited to like Anne's party
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  Speaker 4: where her like rug that she bought in Istanbul and
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  Speaker 4: her solo vacation post divorce finally arrived and she wants
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  Speaker 4: to like roll it out and is literally like two
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  Speaker 4: feet by four feet, it's like a delightful invitation.
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  Speaker 2: But there's more to it than that. Right, once you're
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  Speaker 2: actually at a gathering, whether you're the host or you're
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  Speaker 2: an attendee, how do you make the room sparkly? You
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  Speaker 2: might try something Prea calls magical questions.
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  Speaker 3: A magical question is a question posed to a group
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  Speaker 3: that everybody in that group would be interested in answering,
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  Speaker 3: and everyone is interested in hearing each other's answers.
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  Speaker 2: Prias says we can think of magical questions as conversational doorknobs,
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  Speaker 2: a way to meaningfully connect with other people without having
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  Speaker 2: to agree or have the same tastes or life experiences.
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  Speaker 2: On this episode of Life Kit, what makes a magical question,
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  Speaker 2: How to come up with one, how to offer it
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  Speaker 2: to a group, and how to decide on your answer,
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  Speaker 2: And don't worry, we will give you plenty of examples.
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  Speaker 8: Of all the protests in the summer of twenty twenty,
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  Speaker 8: for a moment there it was utopia one took a
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  Speaker 2: this episode. Okay, pria. What makes something a magical question?
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  Speaker 9: A magical question is specific.
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  Speaker 3: It invites people to not give their opinion usually, but
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  Speaker 3: to give a story. A magical question also complicates the individual.
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  Speaker 3: I'm a convict resolution facilitator, and one of the things
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  Speaker 3: that I've learned over many years is, you know, often
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  Speaker 3: we try to think that the best way to relieve
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  Speaker 3: conflict is to try to pretend that a group is
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  Speaker 3: the same, and actually one of the best ways to
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  Speaker 3: kind of allow for connection is instead to complicate the individual.
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  Speaker 3: And so an example of a question that complicates the individual.
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  Speaker 9: Could be what are three gifts you would give aliens
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  Speaker 9: on behalf of humanity?
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  Speaker 2: M I like that one right?
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  Speaker 3: Or when is the last time you used glitter? When
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  Speaker 3: is the last time you blew up a balloon with
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  Speaker 3: your own mouth? What is the favorite building in your community?
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  Speaker 3: Questions that allow people to share their experiences and that
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  Speaker 3: often give unexpected answers. Another one, what is a path
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  Speaker 3: you almost took but didn't.
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  Speaker 2: Take away one? Magical questions are interesting to everyone in
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  Speaker 2: a group. They're specific. They invite people to tell a
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  Speaker 2: story complicate the individual, revealing some layers of their personality
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  Speaker 2: or life experiences. Here's another one Prea shared on her Instagram.
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  Speaker 2: One hundred years from now, there's a seance to conjure
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  Speaker 2: your spirit. Which three items would they use to me?
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  Speaker 2: This question is interesting because it's fun, but it also
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  Speaker 2: acknowledges a deep, often taboo topic that we're all going
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  Speaker 2: to die someday. You might learn that some folks in
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  Speaker 2: your group believe in afterlife and others don't. Also, when
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  Speaker 2: people list out their objects, they're telling you what they
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  Speaker 2: prize and how they see themselves.
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  Speaker 9: What's a good way.
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  Speaker 2: To follow up on a magical question, like how do
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  Speaker 2: you use that new knowledge you've learned about someone to
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  Speaker 2: deepen the connection.
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  Speaker 3: One of my favorite magical questions to ask is what
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  Speaker 3: was the first concert you went to and who took you?
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  Speaker 9: And I often do this in.
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  Speaker 3: Teams or in large town halls, and immediately you see
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  Speaker 3: this like you know dozens of answers like Tony Braxton,
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  Speaker 3: Michael Jackson, Bob Dylan, new Kids on the Block. And
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  Speaker 3: first of all, it helps people feel like it's not
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  Speaker 3: just a blob, it's a group of individuals. But second
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  Speaker 3: of all, in all group life, when things get hard,
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  Speaker 3: when there's conflicts, as there inevitably is in all groups,
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  Speaker 3: and you know something about somebody, right like they went
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  Speaker 3: to the same concert I went to, or they went
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  Speaker 3: to a Tony Braxton concert.
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  Speaker 9: How bad can they be? I'm going to pick up
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  Speaker 9: the phone and call them.
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  Speaker 3: Whether you're in a group of friends, whether you're running
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  Speaker 3: a team meeting, whether you're like at an airport and
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  Speaker 3: a layover and you're stuck for twelve hours and you
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  Speaker 3: like are done with your phone.
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  Speaker 9: This is like it's a.
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  Speaker 3: Muscle to begin to be able to help people meaningfully
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  Speaker 3: connect and then have a jumping off point for all
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  Speaker 3: types of other conversations.
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  Speaker 2: A lot of what you've described so far, it's somewhat
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  Speaker 2: subtle and casual, right you just you bring out the question,
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  Speaker 2: but you don't roll out the red carpet first and say,
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  Speaker 2: I'm about to ask you all a magical question. Do
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  Speaker 2: you ever recommend that? Though, like, like if you're sitting
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  Speaker 2: around at a dinner party or something.
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  Speaker 9: As in all of life, read the room.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, there are some places where like in some cultures
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  Speaker 3: or context or friend groups or like the group chat,
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  Speaker 3: it is like, y'all, I heard about this, you know,
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  Speaker 3: amazing thing called magical questions?
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  Speaker 9: Are are you game?
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  Speaker 2: Like?
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  Speaker 9: Yes? Tell me?
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  Speaker 3: In other places, if anything that feels formal or like
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  Speaker 3: an icebreaker, people are deeply allergic to.
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  Speaker 9: And so it's really deeply reading the room.
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  Speaker 3: But it's like it's knowing in your back pocket that
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  Speaker 3: you have the skills and its skill anyone can learn,
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  Speaker 3: anyone can.
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  Speaker 9: Practice to begin to ask.
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  Speaker 3: It's really asking what is this group interested in? What
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  Speaker 3: are the individuals interested in? And at some levels a
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  Speaker 3: deeply generous thing to know how to do what is
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  Speaker 3: interesting within each of these people that you might be
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  Speaker 3: able to tap into unlock and help them share with
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  Speaker 3: the room.
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  Speaker 2: Takeaway two is to read the room. This might be
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  Speaker 2: a group that would appreciate an icebreaker type prompt, or
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  Speaker 2: it might be a group where you've got to be
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  Speaker 2: a little more subtle with your questions. Also consider who's
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  Speaker 2: in the group, because again, you want the questions to
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  Speaker 2: be relevant to everyone. Here's a prompt Pria gave me
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  Speaker 2: that'll help you practice coming up with magical questions. Imagine
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  Speaker 2: you're talking to a room full of dentists. What could
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  Speaker 2: you ask them some ideas? What's a Halloween candy you
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  Speaker 2: love but would never recommend to your patients? Who has
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  Speaker 2: your favorite smile and why? What do you think is
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  Speaker 2: the going rate for the tooth fairy? When was the
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  Speaker 2: last time you've lost? And what's your favorite tooth? See
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  Speaker 2: if you can come up with any of your own
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  Speaker 2: or change the prompt. What if you were talking to
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  Speaker 2: a bunch of journalists at NPR or a group of octogenarians.
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  Speaker 2: It sounds like what's required is a two and presence.
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  Speaker 9: Yes, yes, you know.
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  Speaker 3: In the art of gathering, I talk a lot about
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  Speaker 3: the role of a host, and people think about gathering
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  Speaker 3: as a source of connection and meaning, and it is.
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  Speaker 3: But gathering is also about power, and as a host,
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  Speaker 3: you have power, and the role of the host is
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  Speaker 3: to practice what I call generous authority. So generous authority
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  Speaker 3: is you have a role if you're going to bring
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  Speaker 3: people together to connect them to each other, but also
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  Speaker 3: to protect them from each other. Right, you're gonna get
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  Speaker 3: cornered all night by so and so, you know when
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  Speaker 3: you don't want to be having this conversation, or you're
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  Speaker 3: running a training and there's like one person who's asking
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  Speaker 3: all of the questions and won't pipe down, like that's actually.
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  Speaker 9: The host abdicating their role.
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  Speaker 3: And so another thing, if you're really going to, you know,
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  Speaker 3: start getting into these questions, is what are questions that
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  Speaker 3: are equalizing? What are questions that everyone might be able
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  Speaker 3: to answer that everyone's going to lean in and wait
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  Speaker 3: for the answer, but so be really really excited to
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  Speaker 3: share their own.
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  Speaker 2: Okay, I have one for you.
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  Speaker 9: Okay.
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  Speaker 2: I went around the table at a mother's day gathering
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  Speaker 2: with a bunch of the women in my life and
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  Speaker 2: my sister in law her family. I was thinking about
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  Speaker 2: my own body and therapy, and so I asked everyone,
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  Speaker 2: what is your favorite part of your body?
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  Speaker 1: Oh?
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  Speaker 9: I love that?
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  Speaker 3: And did you share with them what you just shared
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  Speaker 3: with me, which is I'd been talking about my body
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  Speaker 3: in therapy.
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  Speaker 9: Did you give the context? So I believe because that
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  Speaker 9: really matters.
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  Speaker 3: That anchors everyone to feel like this is not performative
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  Speaker 3: or controlling. It's from a well of curiosity in your
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  Speaker 3: own life. You're inviting them into your question. You're making
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  Speaker 3: it a shared.
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  Speaker 2: Question, right. It's like, this is something I think that
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  Speaker 2: my therapist might have asked me. And then I was like,
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  Speaker 2: I want to know what other people feel about this,
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  Speaker 2: And I loved that. My sister in law's grandmother, she
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  Speaker 2: said everything she loves every part of her body.
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  Speaker 3: And I heard of What's so beautiful in that cross generational,
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  Speaker 3: intergenerational conversation is this older woman is saying something surprising, counterintuitive. Wow,
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  Speaker 3: we can have a different story about aging.
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  Speaker 9: Wow, it's okay to be a.
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  Speaker 3: Woman and love all parts of my body.
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  Speaker 9: Wow, what a beautiful question.
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  Speaker 2: We'll have more life kit after the break.
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  Speaker 2: Okay, I want to ask you one. I'm just gonna
• 13:11
  Speaker 2: borrow one actually from our show wild Card. I don't
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  Speaker 2: know if you know Wildcard with Rachel Martin. She basically
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  Speaker 2: their team came up with a bunch of magical questions
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  Speaker 2: what you call magical questions, and it's a card game essentially,
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  Speaker 2: because she has notable people on and they choose like one,
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  Speaker 2: two or three, and they turn the card around and
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  Speaker 2: they answer, and a lot of them I think align
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  Speaker 2: with how you've defined a magical question. But here's one
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  Speaker 2: that I'd really like to hear your answer to. Does
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: the idea of an infinite universe excite or scare you?
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  Speaker 9: Yes? Both both.
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  Speaker 3: I think the idea of an infinite universe excites me
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  Speaker 3: at some level because of its dynamos and it's and
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  Speaker 3: it's kind of full of possibility and ability to hold all.
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  Speaker 3: But it also scares me or makes me feel sad,
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  Speaker 3: because meaning lies and specificity, because power lies within constraints.
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  Speaker 3: I went to a beautiful play recently at the public
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  Speaker 3: theater called Sumo, about the ancient hiero art form of
• 14:28
  Speaker 3: summa wrestling, and in the playwrights letter she quoted this
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  Speaker 3: artist who I forget his name, but he said art
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  Speaker 3: needs an address.
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  Speaker 9: M, meaning like it needs a body.
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  Speaker 3: It needs you can't just you explore ideas, right needs
• 14:45
  Speaker 3: a frime. You explore ideas of masculinity and hierarchy and
• 14:49
  Speaker 3: identity and norms through six men in a sumo den
• 14:54
  Speaker 3: trying to rise through the rings of this art form
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  Speaker 3: in a sweaty theater on sixth Avenue. And so those
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  Speaker 3: questions scares me in a sense because so much of
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  Speaker 3: what actually creates meaning and connection specificity is specific and
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  Speaker 3: in a moment and doesn't last forever, and so the
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  Speaker 3: infinite can sometimes feel like it's overwhelming and that just
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  Speaker 3: being in one place is not enough, when it actually is.
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  Speaker 9: It's actually it's actually the way through.
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  Speaker 10: Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: See, I feel like I just learned so much about
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  Speaker 2: you by the way you answered that, what your interests are,
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  Speaker 2: but also how you think. And for me, I would
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  Speaker 2: have just said it scares me. So I liked hearing
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  Speaker 2: the other side of it, the possibility there. Take Away
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  Speaker 2: three You can learn a lot about people from their
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  Speaker 2: answers to magical questions. Luxuriate in that. Don't just wait
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  Speaker 2: for your chance to have the floor. Pria says, by
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  Speaker 2: the way, there are some magical questions that seem to
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  Speaker 2: work in every.
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  Speaker 3: I mean, one of my favorite ones someone recently said
• 16:03
  Speaker 3: in when was the time you really went all in
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  Speaker 3: on celebrating something or someone? What did you do and
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  Speaker 3: what were you celebrating? Yeah, to me, my favorite phrase
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  Speaker 3: in that sentence is all in, you really went all in,
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  Speaker 3: not when is the time you celebrated someone?
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  Speaker 9: When was the time you really went all in?
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  Speaker 3: And so even just like talking about a time where
• 16:25
  Speaker 3: we went all in on something gives us the energy
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  Speaker 3: and the memory of going all in on something.
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  Speaker 2: Right, you know, I think there's something that happens when
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  Speaker 2: these questions come up. If you're in a group, you're
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  Speaker 2: also deciding which answer you want to give because there
• 16:42
  Speaker 2: are different levels of vulnerability with each answer. And also
• 16:47
  Speaker 2: you're wondering, do I want to share this information with
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  Speaker 2: this group? How's it going to change the dynamic? How's
• 16:53
  Speaker 2: it going to bring down the vibe? Because my honest
• 16:56
  Speaker 2: answer to that would be that I would all in
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  Speaker 2: on celebrating last year when I finished breast cancer treatment
• 17:05
  Speaker 2: and my family had a big party, and then also
• 17:08
  Speaker 2: I had a big picnic with friends and it was
• 17:11
  Speaker 2: beautiful and it was like something that felt like an accomplishment.
• 17:14
  Speaker 2: I really felt like I saved my own life, you know,
• 17:18
  Speaker 2: and I was willing and interested in letting my community
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  Speaker 2: in to that and just like taking a beat to
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  Speaker 2: celebrate because it had been so hard.
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  Speaker 9: It's beautiful. It's beautiful. So there's two pieces.
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  Speaker 3: One is depending on who is asking you that and
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  Speaker 3: where you are, and frankly, like your mood at the moment,
• 17:43
  Speaker 3: you may decide whether or not to grace people with
• 17:46
  Speaker 3: that answer or to keep it for yourself. And so
• 17:51
  Speaker 3: even as guests in any situation, it's not like you
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  Speaker 3: have one you have to answer this two. A really
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  Speaker 3: good question also allows for choice, right, there's a range
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  Speaker 3: of answers in some groups or on this podcast.
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  Speaker 9: You have enough trust you've.
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  Speaker 3: Been through this ceremony, you're modeling vulnerability.
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  Speaker 9: You've chosen to share with us.
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  Speaker 3: This beautiful moment. There may be other moments in which
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  Speaker 3: you keep that for yourself. All of group life is
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  Speaker 3: an endless connection. It's creating a canvas or a platform
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  Speaker 3: and inviting people to both have the discernment about what
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  Speaker 3: to ask and the discernment about what to share.
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  Speaker 9: And taking risks that feel reciprocal.
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  Speaker 3: In the workplace, when I work with leaders and teach
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  Speaker 3: magical questions, one of the most important skills I teach
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  Speaker 3: is what I call boundaried connection, which is not connection
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  Speaker 3: for connection's sake. It's not bearing your soul like to
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  Speaker 3: all of your colleagues endlessly. It's relevant connection, right, It's
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  Speaker 3: connection that what do you need to know about each
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  Speaker 3: other to work more effectively as a team. What is relevant, appropriate, meaningful,
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  Speaker 3: generous to the group that helps them connect to each other,
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  Speaker 3: temporarily equalize and so protect them from each other?
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  Speaker 9: All right?
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  Speaker 2: Take away four. When answering a magical question, consider how
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  Speaker 2: vulnerable you want to be and whether your story feels
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  Speaker 2: appropriate in a given space. You don't have to give
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  Speaker 2: the first answer that comes to mind. Don't be afraid
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  Speaker 2: to tell the group you need a moment to think
• 19:18
  Speaker 2: of something. And of course you don't have to answer
• 19:20
  Speaker 2: every question that's asked of you. In general, I love
• 19:25
  Speaker 2: what you said too about keeping the answer for yourself,
• 19:28
  Speaker 2: because maybe I have. I'm sure I could think of
• 19:31
  Speaker 2: a different answer to that another time that I really
• 19:33
  Speaker 2: went all in on celebrating if I wasn't wanting to
• 19:36
  Speaker 2: share that detail with the group, but I still thought
• 19:41
  Speaker 2: through the answer for myself. And that's a little gift
• 19:45
  Speaker 2: that I get to go home with.
• 19:47
  Speaker 9: Beautiful.
• 19:47
  Speaker 3: Yes, many of the gifts when you gather with intention
• 19:51
  Speaker 3: and generosity you don't even see.
• 19:53
  Speaker 2: Pria, thank you so much. I've loved this conversation.
• 19:57
  Speaker 9: Thank you so much for having me. I loved your questions.
• 20:00
  Speaker 9: Thank you for hosting me so beautifully.
• 20:07
  Speaker 2: Okay, time for a few more magical questions from Priya.
• 20:11
  Speaker 2: What's the weirdest thing you've ever found in your pocket?
• 20:14
  Speaker 2: What is one rule you had growing up that, looking
• 20:17
  Speaker 2: back now you think was completely unnecessary or even a
• 20:20
  Speaker 2: little funny? And what topic could you give a twenty
• 20:24
  Speaker 2: minute talk on? Was zero preparation and now a recap?
• 20:32
  Speaker 2: Take Away one. Magical questions are interesting to everyone in
• 20:36
  Speaker 2: a group. They're specific, they invite people to tell a story,
• 20:40
  Speaker 2: and they complicate the individual, revealing some layers of their
• 20:43
  Speaker 2: personality or their life experiences. Take Away two read the room.
• 20:50
  Speaker 2: This might be a group that would appreciate an icebreaker
• 20:52
  Speaker 2: type prompt, or it might be a group where you've
• 20:55
  Speaker 2: got to be a little more subtle. Take Away three.
• 20:58
  Speaker 2: You can learn a lot about people from their answers
• 21:00
  Speaker 2: to magical questions, So listen and don't just wait for
• 21:04
  Speaker 2: your turn to talk. And take Away four. When you're
• 21:07
  Speaker 2: answering a magical question, consider how vulnerable you want to
• 21:10
  Speaker 2: be and whether your story feels right for this space
• 21:13
  Speaker 2: and this group. For more Life Kit, check out our
• 21:19
  Speaker 2: other episodes. We have one about how to host a
• 21:22
  Speaker 2: gathering and another on the power of play. You can
• 21:25
  Speaker 2: find those at NPR dot org slash life Kit. And
• 21:28
  Speaker 2: if you love Lifekit and you you know you just
• 21:31
  Speaker 2: can't get enough of us, subscribe to our newsletter at
• 21:34
  Speaker 2: NPR dot org slash Lifekit Newsletter. Also, we love hearing
• 21:38
  Speaker 2: from you, so if you have episode ideas or feedback
• 21:40
  Speaker 2: you want to share with us, or you want to
• 21:42
  Speaker 2: tell us a magical question you came up with, email
• 21:44
  Speaker 2: us at life Kit at NPR dot org. This episode
• 21:47
  Speaker 2: of life Kit was produced by the magical Sam Yellowhorse Kessler.
• 21:52
  Speaker 2: Our digital editor is Malica garib and our visuals editor
• 21:56
  Speaker 2: is c J. Rikolon, Megan Kane is our senior supervising editor,
• 22:00
  Speaker 2: and Lauren Gonzalez is our executive producer. Our production team
• 22:03
  Speaker 2: also includes Andy Tagle, Claire, Marie Schneider, Margaret Cerino, and
• 22:07
  Speaker 2: Sylvia Douglas. Engineering support comes from Jimmy Keeley and Gilly Moon.
• 22:12
  Speaker 2: I'm Mariel Sagarra. Thanks for listening.
• 22:25
  Speaker 10: Hi, it's Terry Gross, host of Fresh Air. Hey take
• 22:28
  Speaker 10: a break from the twenty four hour news cycle with
• 22:30
  Speaker 10: us and listen to long form interviews with your favorite authors, actors, filmmakers, comedians,
• 22:36
  Speaker 10: and musicians. The people making the art that nourishes us
• 22:39
  Speaker 10: and speaks to our times. So listen to the Fresh
• 22:42
  Speaker 10: Air podcast from NPR and WHYY.
• 22:46
  Speaker 11: Recently, cybersecurity researchers discovered a striking computer virus seemingly related
• 22:52
  Speaker 11: to the conflicts between the US and Iran over Iran's
• 22:56
  Speaker 11: nuclear program. Everything about this thing screams special a cunning
• 23:02
  Speaker 11: cyber weapon meant to gaslight nuclear scientists. Listen to Plenty
• 23:06
  Speaker 11: Money on the NPR app or wherever you get your podcasts.