Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S5 Ep30: Single and Searching: Fabulous' Guide to Husbands

Transcript

S5 Ep30: Single and Searching: Fabulous' Guide to Husbands · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: There's a lot going on.
• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: I have a lot of new things I'm trying to get used to.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: I uh I got married uh six months ago, given I've been and I'm hoping I have something to contribute now to girls who are younger than me about how to find your husband.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_01: Because a lot of single girls are there that are miserable and I want to help change the world.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_01: How many of you are like living here where you were born in another city or state?
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_01: Like a like a lot of you, right?
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_01: You know how you can find your husband?
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_01: Just go home.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: He's home waiting on you, okay?
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: I lived in LA for 20 years.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_01: I moved back to the Bronx, New York, where I'm from.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_01: And my husband, he's in the Bronx.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: He was there, and when I came back home, he's like, Are you done with your little Hollywood dreams?
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_01: Ha ha ha! You're back, bitch.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: I knew I'd get you.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_01: So he's waiting on you.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: Just go back.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_01: I'm telling you, he's there.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_01: He ain't changed at all.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: He ain't, you know, same dude, trust me.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: You know.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_01: And I like it.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_01: I enjoy it, you know.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_01: But I will say this: I got a guy, he's in shape, and I'm a shape.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: And he, I got a hot dude, muscles.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_01: And he wants us to be, you know, matching tracksuits and jogging every morning in gym life, and I would rather die.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: Because I'm sparing him.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_01: He don't know.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: When I lose any amount of weight, I'll become an asshole.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_01: I'll look in the mirror, I see Holly Berry.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_01: I'm an actor, that's where I get confidence from, right?
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_01: I joined Weight Watchers two years ago and lost like 80 pounds on Weight Watchers, right?
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_01: I gained it back.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_01: Put the hands down.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: I gained it back.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: That's not the point of the story.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_01: The point is when I first joined, I was down three pounds right away.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_01: Well, the problem is I thought I was J-Lo.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: You know how you lose weight fat?
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, oh my god, you can barely see me! I'm wasting a weight.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_01: I look exactly the same.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_01: And I was dating a fat guy at the time.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_01: It doesn't matter, but I was dating a fatty.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_01: I said, look, I'm down two pounds.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_01: I can't be seen with a fat guy.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, what?
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_01: I said I can't be with a fatty.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_01: You're huge, you can barely see me.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: I can't be with a fat guy.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, yeah, I'm a fat guy, but I have a big dick and I pay for everything.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_01: What else do you need?
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_01: Nothing.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_01: My bad.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_01: Sorry.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_01: Love you.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_01: You know I talk crazy when I'm hungry, hey.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: Be tripping when I'm hungry.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_01: So here's where I am with my marriage.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: It's going great.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of sex, thank you God.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_01: But if I were to keep it real, my in-shape husband, he's killing me.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_01: The sex is, I'm pretty sure I have a hernia or a slithus, at least asthma.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_01: I used to live in LA.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: When you go from no fucking to all the fucking, your body kind of, you kind of die a little bit every day before you get used to it.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_01: And if I were to keep it real, my husband, he's he's fucking me.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not doing anything.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just taking it.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm very happy to be there.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_01: I have pom-poms, I wrote a song, I made snacks.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_01: I'm very happy to be there.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_01: But he's fucking the life out of me, and I feel guilty.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_01: This is how your athlete husband has a heart attack.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want him to die.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_01: Because when men in that shape, when they make love to you, they're trying to impress you.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: It's ego.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_01: You don't ask for it.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, you know what?
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_01: I gotta fuck my husband.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: But back in the day, you know what I'm saying?
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_01: Back in the day, I can get up there and be up there four minutes.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_01: So I did.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_01: I fucked my husband.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_01: He had a great time.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_01: I have been in pain for two weeks.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_01: I have been talking shit about how long men last in the bedroom for years.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_01: I apologize.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_01: Any man who can go longer than five minutes or a fucking stallion.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_01: You guys pump and pump with a goal of completion.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_01: You want somebody to finish.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_01: I'm on top trying to pump and get him there.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_01: I'm exhausted.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_01: I needed a granola bar, a Red Bull, a five-minute break.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_01: I'm looking for excuses while I'm bucking him to take a break.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_01: In the middle of it, I'm like, you don't hear that noise downstairs?
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: You don't want to go check.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_01: You're not hot?
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_01: It's hot.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_01: You don't feel hot.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: I smell smoke.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: I don't feel safe.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: Take a break.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: It's not worth dying for.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: Go check.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: Anything for a break.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_01: I forgot.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_01: Now, if there are men here who need help in the bedroom and you need Viagra or Cialis, please take the pill.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_01: Life is short.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_01: Don't be ashamed.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: My request is don't pop those pills behind your partner's back without telling her or him, that's me.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_01: You can't have passive penis on Monday and then super dick on Tuesday.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_01: Who's that?
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_01: It's not the same guy.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_01: I had a guy pop the pill because he wanted to last long and depressing me, killing me, going on too long.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_01: The whole time he's like, alright, here we go.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_01: You like that?
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_01: Let's try this.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_01: How about this?
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_01: Do you like that?
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_01: Let's try that.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: How about this?
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, I would like to stand upright.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_01: What the hell are you doing down here?
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_01: I want to see my family again.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: I want to eat.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_01: Check my email.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_01: What day is it?
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_01: It's dark outside.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_01: I blacked out twice.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_01: You don't feel that fridge and it's dry is starting a fire.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: I wanna call my mommy.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_01: This is kidnapping and I wanna go home.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_01: Now, I wanna give advice, okay?
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: Advice.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: Um when I was in LA, I was a happy single girl, right?
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_01: And I wasn't dying for a husband.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_01: When you get one, I forgot you when you get a boyfriend, you're adopting a son.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_01: You forget that.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_01: All men are project, right?
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_01: I had to buy my husband everything he needs to function as an adult male.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_01: I want to give men here advice, real advice on how to get a wife, okay?
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: If you don't have a nice fridge, you have to have ice trays.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_01: You can't just freeze a fucking bowl of water and then when it's time for a cocktail, go get an ice pick and a hammer.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_01: And why do you have an ice pick?
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_01: Also, he didn't have any garbage can.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_01: You put the garbage in plastic bags and hide it on doorknobs around the house.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_01: What is a trash can?
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_01: Like$3?
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_01: The amount of water that you and leave on the bathroom counter.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_01: What the fuck is happening in the bathroom?
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_01: Are you raising koi fish in there?
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: Then you got, then you got the hair in the sink guessing game I gotta play.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_01: Is that beard hair or ball hair?
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_01: The same texture, and it's always there.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_01: And were you my were you masturbating by the microwave?
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: Why is the lotion in the kitchen?
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: I don't understand why men don't push shit back when they got it.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_01: Trying to get used to how much food men eat daily is my biggest education.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_01: Were most of you born with a parasite and your soul?
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_01: Were you in the NFL?
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't see the game.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: Grocery shopping day is not eat all the goddamn groceries day.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_01: You know that?
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: Nobody eats four bagels in a day.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: You're not training with the Olympics.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_01: Let me give you a visual.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_01: Single ladies, you make your lasagna for you for yourself.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_01: You come home after work, you have a square with a glass of wine.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_01: If you feel fat and sad, you have two squares, a whole bottle.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_01: We're the same.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_01: How long will that lasagna last you?
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: How long?
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_01: Six months, exactly.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_01: I made I made that lasagna and put it in front of him.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_01: He went to get a fork and a napkin.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_01: You selfish bastard.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_01: That's not yours.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_01: I made a petrol lemonade, he went to get a straw.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_01: Nigga, you dehydrated?
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_01: That's for the room.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_01: I can't afford to be with this guy.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: Sex is different too, 51, because I'm I'm 51 years old.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_01: If I haven't mentioned that, I'm half dead.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_01: And uh and I'm also divorced, clearly.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_01: That's why I'm up here.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: And things are different.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't live with the first guy, and here's what sex is like now in 51, second husband.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_01: For me to even consider being horny, all the elements gotta be perfect, all the stars gotta align.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_01: For me to be horny, I can't be hot, I can't be cold, I can't be hungry, I can't be full.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_01: Who fucks when they're full?
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_01: Nobody.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_01: Nobody does it with me.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_01: I want the room dark, but are you hiding?
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_01: Bloodstained?
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_01: They can't see shit.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: You're a black, I'm black, and then a night light, a lamp, be able to sing an escape route.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_01: It's dark.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_01: I want the room quiet, but not serial killer quiet.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: You ain't got no plumbing.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_01: I don't hear your fridge make noise, you ain't getting no text, I don't hear no birds.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: And don't suggest that we have sex when you know it's about to rain.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: We're both 51.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: We have one good name between us.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_01: You know we can't fuck when it's about to rain.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of women are taught to you know make a list when you're looking for a guy.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: Remember that listing?
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: And I had one 10, 15, 85 things.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: Now, 51 years old, three! You have three things you can die together.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_01: The older you get, that list gets shorter and shorter.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: All of you here are younger than me.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_01: I want to compare my old ass list of requirements for a young list.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_01: What's your list?
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: One thing on your list you look for in a guy.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_01: One word.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: That's a lot of words.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_01: Who hurt you?
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, take it easy.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_01: Money, you want him to have money, nice and shallow.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, second word.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_01: Second word.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, now you want him to look good?
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, look handsome, money.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_01: So she wants you rich or ugly, you're in.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_01: Okay?
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_01: Third word.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_01: Funny?
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, overrated.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_01: What are yours?
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_01: Real quick, your three words.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_01: Emotional intelligence, bitch.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: Are you single?
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_01: Alright, that was a lot.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_01: Here are my three.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_01: You're gorgeous, you shouldn't be, but you gotta cut down on the answer.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_01: That was a lot, alright?
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_01: Here's my three.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_01: Number one on my list, non-negotiable.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_01: Big bit.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_01: You're all thinking it.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_01: You're looking at me, but a lot of you can't say nothing because your man's sitting right there.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: I know.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_01: You ever laid next to a man who had a small one and thought to yourself?
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's not gonna work out.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_01: You're not mean to him, either stop returning text for all of you've all been there, okay?
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: For me to love you, he cannot have, he must not have number two, sleep apnea or snore.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want to hear shit.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_01: Not a goddamn thing.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_01: Nothing.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_01: You ever laid next to a man who dies four times before the sun comes up?
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_01: You ever laid next to a man with demons in the chest with a game of thrones fighting his gut?
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_01: It's horrible.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: I don't care how hot he is, if you can't sleep, you'll wish him dead, trust me.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_01: And it's not an old guy or fat guy.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: It's men with you with pride.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_01: They don't want to wear the seatback.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_01: And you don't get it.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_01: We will gladly fuck y'all Vader.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_01: Put that shit on, turn the noise up.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_01: My last requirement to love you, he has to have, he must have.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_01: Dead parents, dead grandparents, dead family, whole family dead in a fire.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_01: Whole family I'm a Titanic, no survivor.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_01: There is no bigger pain in the ass than a man's family.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_01: Fuck your family.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_01: All of you.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_01: Every now and then I tell that joke and it can be considered offensive, but the women who don't laugh, they still look at me and the eyeballs always say.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_01: But she's right though.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_01: She's right.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_01: I hate that bitch.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_01: No one.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_01: Every now and then you'll meet a mom, you know, a guy, a cute guy raised by a single mom.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_01: That's her husband.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_01: She gotta die if you didn't get a ring out of him.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_01: And when I say gone, mommy gotta be gone.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_01: She can't be in California, she can't be in Chicago, and she can't be overseas.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_01: She can only be with Jesus.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_01: Fuck her.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_01: Some advice for the men.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_01: Um, if you know that a blowjob is not the way you get to the final frontier, can you please tell a bitch?
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_01: We're suffocating down there trying to get you somewhere, and you ain't nowhere close.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_01: You don't see that vein in our forehead about to pop?
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_01: When she began, when she began a blowjob, she had straight hair.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_01: Now she got a curly afro.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_01: Let her know you're wasting money on a blowout.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_01: Because men will see you down there doing it wrong, damn near drawing blood.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_01: They'll be like, look at her go! They won't say anything.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_01: Because they know if they stop you, you'll stop doing it forever, right?
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_01: But women, if our guy's down there and you ain't doing it right, we'll tap that boss by.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_01: Like, hey, come up here.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: We don't know what you're doing.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_01: Living for quarters, there's no change down there.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_01: The fat Joe's had made her a defense mechanism.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_01: All I would have to do to meet my husband is just work out with him.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_01: But I would rather have a glass of urine than work out.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_01: I'd rather have a glass of urine with hair in it than work out.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_01: I hate exercise.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I doubt on every weight loss plan.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_01: I tried juicing anybody here in California.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_01: I did that, and I tried.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_01: My first juice ever, I juiced kale and cucumber, and a spinach, and a celery.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_01: And I would rather have diabetes instead of reduced.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_01: I want you guys to know.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_01: Stop asking questions.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_01: We don't need you for you to do a feedback questionnaire during sex.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_01: You're inside of her consensually.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_01: You won.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_01: We'll talk tomorrow.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want to talk to you during the act.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_01: Me and this guy making love pre-marriage, he had three questions.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_01: He's already in me.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_01: First question was who fucks you like I did.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_01: Derek, Mark, James, or all something.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_01: Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_01: Next question, whose pussy is this?
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_01: Did you forget?
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_01: Where you find it.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_01: It's mine.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_01: It belongs to me.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_01: You know why it's mine?
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_01: We saw a movie, it went to Applebee.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_01: You didn't do anything, sir.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_01: Relax, okay?
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_01: Last question Am I the best dick you've ever had?
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_01: That's the wrong time for a survey.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_01: You don't want to hear the answer.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want to see you cry.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want to cry.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_01: Shut up and we'll talk tomorrow.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_01: Because here's the lesson, gentlemen.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_01: If you're a good man and you make good money and you have a good job and you take care of your kids and you take care of your mom and you love God and you respect women too, then guess what?
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: You are not the best dick she's ever had.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_01: Because most ladies will agree.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_01: When I say most, I mean all.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_01: Every race, every age, a female agree the best dick we ever had don't have a driver's license or a credit card or a debit card or a bank account or a car or a full-time job or a full-size mattress or furniture, a food in the fridge.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_01: He thinks marijuana's a food group.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_01: He can't leave the state, you know why he has warrants.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_01: He can't leave America, he ain't got no passport.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_01: You want a man with a college degree, you're adorable.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_01: He didn't finish high school.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_01: Fuck school.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_01: He's unmarryable, but he's always available.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_01: He is what lady is the best dick we ever had.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_01: And every now and then when I tell that story, it does get quiet in the room sometimes.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_01: But women are like, she's the wizard.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_01: How does she know?
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_01: But couples, the female looks at me every time, like, bitch, he's my ride.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_01: Money goddamn business.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_01: Anyway, I'm Daddy Fabulous.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_01: Thanks, guys.