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Babies Love Vegas Wild Las Vegas Adventures with Kids 🤣🤣🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:03
  SPEAKER_02: From New York City, Copenhagen, Brazilian, Cup and Central.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_01: Wow, you guys are great already.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: Damn, I I feel kind of bad because uh I have some uh some bad news.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: I I've got good news and I've got bad news.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: The uh bad news is I've been farting a lot lately, but the good news is it smells like McGriddles.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_01: I love McGriddles.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_01: How you doing, New York?
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_01: Man, this is a sexy crowd.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_01: You guys are very attractive.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: I want to make love to each and every one of you.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_01: But only a lucky few will be chosen.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_01: Cross your fingers.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: Uh a lot of comedians work really hard on their jokes, which I think is awesome.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I think it's totally the way to go.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_01: If you're a comedian, do jokes, it's perfect.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_01: But what I've been doing lately is working on my segues.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_01: Those are the transitions between the jokes that let the audience know that you've changed topics.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_01: It's very important.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: So I hope you enjoy my jokes tonight, but I hope you really enjoy my segues.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_01: Let's get started.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_01: Um I recently got TiVo, which is this awesome invention that records.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, TiVo! It records.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_01: No why people in the balcony have TiVo.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: Usually it's the people up front.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: But uh TiVo records television programs for you without you even telling it to.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_01: It just figures out what you like and it records it for you, which is awesome.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_01: But recently I came home and my TiVo had recorded Touched by an Angel.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, what the?
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_01: And then I realized that my TiVo figured out that I like crap.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_01: Which reminds me, I was on the toilet for so long the other day.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_01: I was on the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself, I'm getting too old for this.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_01: Pigs like Did you know that in your lifetime you were more likely to get attacked by a domesticated pig than by a shark?
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_01: That is a true statistic.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_01: Especially if you have a tendency to swim in pig-infested waters.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_01: Dingoes can swim.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_01: I used to have.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_01: I used to have a pet dingo.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_01: I used to have a pet dingo, but the most ironic thing happened.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_01: A baby ate my dingo.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_01: Babies love Vegas.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_01: My favorite thing to do in Vegas, besides hookers, is called Swim Up Blackjack.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_01: That's where they have a blackjack table by the side of the pool, and you swim over to it, and then you sit on a stool that's submerged in the water, and you play blackjack.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_01: It's awesome.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: But the last time I was there, the dealer yelled at me for getting the cards wet.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, but I'm in a pool, Jimmy from Phoenix.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_01: Although I do have to admit, I do have a tendency when I get tw- you know, when I hit 21 to be like, I got a plant! So where are you from, sir?
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_01: Seattle is another city that I would like to talk about.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_01: Because in Seattle, they have a saying: if you don't like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_01: Or have a drink.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: I actually spent some time drinking with my grandfather once.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_01: Has anybody here ever done that?
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_01: With my grandfather?
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_01: That'd be a weird ass coincidence you did, sir.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_01: And it was really a strange experience, you know, because it's like your own future sitting there on the bar stool next to you, and you're like, hmm, that doesn't look good.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_01: And uh I said to my grandfather, I said, you know what, I think I've had too much, I think I better stop, I think I'm drunk.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: And my 85-year-old grandfather actually said to me, You're not drunk until you have to grab the grass to keep from falling off of the earth.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: Go for the gusto, grandpa.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_01: So what else is in the news?
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_01: I uh have been in kind of a sexual dry spell lately.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_01: In the past few years, I've only had sex in months that end in arch.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_01: In years that have an Olympics.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_01: Just the summer games, which is a shame, because I am great in bed.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_01: I am.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_01: I'm excellently old Sakarooney.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: Because I do things for the ladies.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: You know who you are.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_01: I do things.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_01: I do things for the ladies that they appreciate.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: I'll give you an example.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_01: During the act of love making, I will actually warn the woman when I'm about ready to wrap it up.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_01: I think that's a very sweet gesture.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_01: I'll whisper something romantic in her ear.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_01: Something like T minus ten seconds.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: Nine eight.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_01: Oops.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_01: Sorry, nice lady.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: Have a good April.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_01: How many people here think that marijuana should be legalized?
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: By applause.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_01: You find out right away who the stoners are because I say by applause and they go, Woo! I'm actually uh touring the country in a show right now called the Marijuana Logs.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_01: And it's true, and it's it's just like the vagina monologues, but with pot instead of vaginas.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_01: But vaginas are encouraged to attend.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_01: You know, we want vaginas in the seats, but the show is all about pot.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_01: And we don't want any uh pot smoking vaginas, because that's disgusting.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_01: And I saw it once in Indonesia and I've never been able to get it out of my head.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: I recently cut back on my pot smoking severely.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: I rarely smoke it anymore.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_01: Now the only time I smoke pot is when it is given to me by strangers after the show tonight.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: It's the only time.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: Anyone?
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_01: Recently I got pulled over for driving in the high occupancy vehicle lane, and I was like, how did he know that I was in the car by myself?
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_01: Because the cop, you know, he had to give me the big cop speech.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, you know, you have to have more than one person in the vehicle to drive in the HOV lane.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, check the trunk.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_01: You big fat idiot.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_01: So that was kind of an expensive ticket.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_01: Another thing, another thing I don't enjoy when I'm driving in my car is all the stuff that people put on the back of their cars that I have to read because I'm a good driver and I'm looking in the right direction.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: Like personalized plates that you can't figure out what the hell message they were trying to get out to the world.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_01: You're like staring at it, going, what is the I don't know what the cue is for.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know what's happening.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_01: Does anybody here have a personalized plate?
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_01: Anybody down in front here?
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: Anyone at all?
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: I don't mean to point.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_01: It's rude.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: None of you do?
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: You're the coolest audience of all time.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_01: And then some people go out and buy license plate frames for their license plate, because they're a work of art.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_01: So you gotta frame them.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_01: And they have little cutesy expressions on them, you know, like my other car is a Porsche.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_01: Well, they get some that says, My other life has meaning.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_01: Or over in England, they can have one that says, My other tooth is missing.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, people from England here.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_01: People are like, but there are allies.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_01: I actually got to perform in England.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_01: That was pretty cool.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_01: I was in London and I went to Buckingham Palace because you can mess with the guards.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_01: You know, they're not allowed to move or talk or do anything, they just have to stand there at attention with that really tall Afro hat with the chin strap that doesn't quite make it under their chin.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_01: They just have to stand there, right?
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_01: So you can get right up in their face and be like, nee-nee-nee-nee-nee.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_01: But when I was there, there's this British woman there who tricked me.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_01: She goes, You can tweak his nose if you'd like.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_01: Go ahead, pinch his bum.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm thinking, uh, okay.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_01: And uh I reached out and I gave his nose a little tweak.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_01: And I gotta tell you guys, nothing clears up jet lag quicker than the crack of a gun butt against your skull.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_01: It really brings you right around.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_01: Better than twelve cups of coffee.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_01: I like to go see a ball game.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_01: And I'll have like seven, eight, nine, ten beers, and the second inning will roll around, I gotta go.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_01: So I run up to the men's room, and this happens at every stadium in the country.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_01: No matter how long the uh man trough is, you know, there's always a man trough in there, and no matter how long it is, you're always elbow to elbow with some guy who's blasted out of his mind and he's got it out and he's whipping it around.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_01: And uh and I am shy, you guys.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_01: I like my own separate space.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_01: I like walls and a door and a lock and a guard and a high-tech security system with lasers.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_01: And uh so one time I was using the Mantroff, I was working it, at uh Candlestick Park in the Bay Area, and there was a guy standing nearby me leaning over his child, and this is this is a true story.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_01: This is the conversation that was taking place between them.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: He was like, You better pee right now, or I'm gonna spank you.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't pee, I'm gonna give you a spanking you will never forget.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: You dragged me away from the game you said you had to pee.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: Now pee, dammit, or I'm gonna spank you.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, I'm right over here.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_01: Now I can't pee.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_01: I'm a full-blown adult, and I can't take that kind of pressure.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_01: The words spanking and peeing should never be said in the same day.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_01: Say one on one day, one the next.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_01: Alternate 'em.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_01: Because that is no way for that guy to be raising his teenager.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_01: That poor, poor girl.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_01: Like most comics, I just broke up with my girlfriend.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_01: And the reason we broke up is because I caught her lying under another man.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_01: And that's where you really have to stop and okay.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_01: That's fine.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_01: Go ahead and applaud my girlfriend having sex with another man.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_01: You guys are awesome.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_01: So to help myself feel better about the breakup, uh, I've turned to the world of poetry.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_01: Do you guys like poetry?
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_01: No, of course not.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_01: But it makes me feel better about the breakup.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_01: I w what I did was I wrote a haiku.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_01: Because you learn how to write a haiku in high school.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_01: Why walk away?
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_01: Apply it to your life.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_01: So this is a haiku in perfect haiku form about my ex-girlfriend.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_01: All good haikus have five syllables, then seven, but who cares you whore?
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that felt good.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm out dating, you know.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_01: I was on a date recently with a woman, and she said to me, she goes, I don't like movies.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_01: I never go to movies.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, sweet! Because I love movies.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_01: Especially foreign films, because I love to read aloud.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_01: And so I thought, I thought, as long as I was on this date with this woman, I could slip lines from movies into the conversation, and she would think I was really clever, and she'd have no idea where I got it from.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_01: So I was like, oh, you make me want to be a better man.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_01: And she goes, Oh, when did you first know you liked me?
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, You had me at hello.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_01: It was going good.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_01: Here's where I made a mistake.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_01: I never should have quoted a line from the movie, babe.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_01: Because at the end of the meal, I was like, that'll do, pig.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_01: And um, yeah, that was not cool.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_01: I think she said a few things from Scarface at that point.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_01: It was very ugly.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_01: Don't you hate it when you're minding your own business on the internet downloading porn?
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_01: And someone sends you an inner you know, an instant message, and it comes up on the screen, it makes that instant message noise.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_01: It's like blalaling.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: And it's always something like, Are you working hard or hardly working?
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_00: L-O-L.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I can't stand LOL.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_01: For the one or two of you who might know what not know what LOL is, it means laughing out loud in computer lingo.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_01: And it makes perfect sense if you write something to someone and they write back lol because you can't hear each other.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_01: So it's nice to get that acknowledgement that you said something funny.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_01: But when someone types LOL at the end of their own stupid ass sentence, like they didn't even see the punchline coming, they're like, Hiley, where are you?
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_00: LOL!
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, that drives me crazy.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_01: So I immediately fire back to them, I write back, S-Y-S-P-H.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_01: And they write back and go, what does S Y S P H mean?
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_01: And I write back, shut your stinking pie hole.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_01: And then they write back, N-L-O-L.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_01: Not laughing out loud.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_01: That one had kind of a bittersweet ending.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_01: Bitter because it was sad, and sweet because it was over.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_01: It's kind of unusual.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_01: I hope you I hope you guys like it.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_01: This is my impression of a small child trapped in the bottom of a well who does not understand the seriousness of the predicament.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, small child, bottom of the well, doesn't understand.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna get some candy.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_01: You know, they say that they say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_01: I don't agree with that at all.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_01: Like, what's your name, sir?
• 17:50
  unknown: John.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_01: John, what do you do for a living, John?
• 17:52
  unknown: Marketing.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_01: Marketing?
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_01: So you hang out at the grocery store all day.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I'm pretty good at crowd work.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_01: John in marketing.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_01: Now, I don't know you very well, but I'm a pretty good mimic.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_01: I think I can do your voice now.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_01: I think I can do a pretty good impression.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_01: Tell me if you think this is flattering.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_00: Hi, my name is John.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_00: I work in marketing.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_01: No, it's not.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_01: It's extremely insulting.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_01: It's not the sincerest form of flattery.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I'm so good at that.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_01: Are you a romantic guy, John?
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_01: Do you ever fall asleep right after sex?
• 18:35
  unknown: All the time.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_01: All the time.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_01: I could never do that.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_01: If I fell asleep right after sex, the prostitute might take some of my So you guys have been, you know, awesome and uh, you know, I feel I as a comic, I'm kind of, you know, in this weird position because I don't really have a hook.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I don't really have like an angle or a specific thing that I do.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_01: So I've been trying to think of something that would work for me.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_01: And what I've decided on is I think I might start wearing an eye patch on stage and not ever mention it.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_01: You know, just do my whole show and don't say anything about it, just have an eye patch on.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_01: And then afterwards, people will be like, oh, I thought that guy was pretty funny, the guy in the eye patch, and you know, no one else is gonna go, what guy in the eye patch?
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I'd be I'd be like the only one.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_01: I don't think there's any pirates in stand-up that I'm aware of.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_01: You know?
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm also trying very hard to come up with comedy that's more relatable, you know, because a lot of people just like that guy right there, just stare at me my entire act, like, what are you talking about?
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_01: So I'd like to finish tonight with, you know, one joke that's maybe something that's happened to everybody here, and you can all relate to it, you know, for a change.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_01: So let me try that.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_01: Um, has anybody here ever been uh driving along in their car, smoking a cigarette, and you flick it out the window, and you drive for a few miles, and you start to smell smoke, and you turn around and you look in the backseat, and grandma is playing with herself.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_01: Now, how many people could have possibly seen that punchline coming?
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_00: That was pretty good! That was out of nowhere.
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_00: Oh man!