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Stage Fright and Public Speaking: Turning Fear Into Power | S1E003 · The Inspired Speaker Network

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Danielle Benzon: If you're tired of hiding your brilliance behind
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stage fright scripts or playing it safe, then you are in the
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perfect place. This is the inspired speaker podcast, and I
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am your host, Danielle Benson, professional rebel voice coach,
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and your guide to speaking with confidence, charisma and zero BS
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around here, we don't chase perfection, we choose
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connection. So grab a hot beverage, warm up those vocal
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cords and get ready to fall wildly in love with the sound of
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your voice. Let's get inspired.
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Welcome. Today. I want to talk about fear. I know that this is
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kind of one of the things that most people don't really want to
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talk about, but it is one of the main reasons that speakers don't
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speak, or they start speaking and then they stop, or they
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don't quite get the results that they're looking for, because
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they're not committing fully. Because it is scary, and I'm not
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going to pretend it's not scary. That would be lying to you, and
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I don't lie. But fear is something that we can work with.
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It's something that we can actually use to our advantage as
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speakers. But it if you don't know how to do that, it is one
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of the things that really gets in the way. I am an expert in
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stage fright, just so you know, I have had stage fright forever.
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Well, not forever since I was about six, six or seven. I
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remember the very first time I ever went on stage as an actor.
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I was, I was eight years old. It was the, it was the Christmas
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play, and I was playing the mayor. And I was really excited.
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I had lots of lines. It was very exciting. And I was standing in
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in the backstage area, in the wings, and I was so nervous that
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a teacher had to come up to me and tell me to hold my
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medallion. I had this big Mayor medallion because I was the
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mayor of the town, and I had to hold it away from my body
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because I was shaking so much it was going click while I was
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standing there and shaking. So ever since then, I've had to
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develop a relationship with my stage fright, and I no longer
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have to, you know, adjust my jewelry, because it's
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distracting to the people on stage. I'm not at that point
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anymore, but it is something that I live with, and it's
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something that I actually now really appreciate. It's actually
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something that gives me a bit of an edge. And so I want to talk
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about that, because I think a lot of speakers, we think that
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our fear is the problem. We think that our fear is getting
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in the way, and it's not. You can be an extremely good speaker
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and experience stage fright. Stage fright is not the problem.
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The problem is that we think we shouldn't experience stage
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fright, or that we're trying to pretend that we're not
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experiencing stage fright, and that is the real thing that gets
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in our way, because immediately that's a lie, right? And we're
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living a lie, and that's a problem. It takes a lot of
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energy, and it never really works anyway. So we're not going
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to pretend we're not scared. That is not what we're going to
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do, but I am going to walk you through a few things today that
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will help you if you are feeling just completely paralyzed by the
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fear, and also just to let you know that you're not alone. And
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honestly, honestly, my favorite speakers to work with are the
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ones who are scared. Because when you have a really big fear,
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it's usually because you've got a really big fire. You've got
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something inside of you that is just so excited to get out. In
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fact, one of my favorite, one of my favorite, directors, and
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shout out to you. Noel Johansson, wherever you are. I
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worked with him once on VoiceOver, and he said to me,
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and I don't know if this is his quote or not, but it was the
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first time I'd heard it. He said to me, that fear is what happens
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when you push your butterflies down, when you push down to
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something powerful, that's when the stage fright kicks in. I'm
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paraphrasing. I don't remember exactly what he said, but it
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gave me that image of I've got all these butterflies in my
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tummy, and I put a lid on them, and I'm squishing them down. And
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it's the act of squishing them down that's the problem so, and
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this was a big part of me learning how to deal with my
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nerves. I learned how to take that lid off, which is a very
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scary thing to do on its own. Oh, I'm just going to let myself
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be scared. I'm going to let everyone see me embody my fear.
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But the thing is, as speakers or performers or singers or
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podcasters, anytime that you are, you know, speaking,
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communicating in person, the emotion that you're feeling
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really isn't that important. What's important is that you are
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feeling an emotion apathetic speakers are the worst ones to
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work with. So when you take your lid off and you let those
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butterflies fly around in your body, all. All the way to your
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fingers and your toes and to the tips of your nose and your ears,
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and you breathe them in. It becomes something very powerful.
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You got to step into the fear. You need courage. Courage to
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step into that fear with both feet. Embody it, embrace it, and
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then we can use it. And I can't explain enough how useful it is
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to a speaker to have sage fight, to have nerves, because your
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passion is so close to the surface. It is right. There it
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is. It is completely untrue that you have to get rid of your fear
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and then build confidence and then become a good speaker. That
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is not how it works. There is a switch somewhere between fear
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and power, and they're right next to each other, really. So
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your fear that, that engine inside of you, it's pointing to
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something powerful. And if we can just adjust it just a little
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bit, it's amazing the things you can do. One of my clients,
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Tatiana, she won't mind me sharing the story. She came to
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me she was so scared. She's not really a speaker. She'd done a
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couple of like, Toastmasters things with like 10 people in
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the room, and she'd done a few podcasts and interviews and
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things, but she'd never really spoken by herself, and
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especially not on stage, and especially not to a large group,
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but she was hosting a conference. She was producing
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this conference. So she was doing everything. She was making
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the swag bags and selling the tickets and organizing the
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venue, and she was one of the keynote speakers, because it's
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her conference. Of course she is, but she'd never done this
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before, and she wanted to do a really good job. So she came to
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me and she said, Look, I'm really scared of this, but I
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want to do a really good job. And I also want to tell my
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story, which I've never been able to tell without bursting
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into tears. Can you help me? And I love that, because that, that
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the those tears, that emotion we're so scared of, feeling
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emotion on stage, which is hilarious, because that's what
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we look for. That's what we want. We want emotional alive
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speakers, but as soon as it's us, it's like, oh no. I don't
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want you to see all my messy bits. Oh no. And there is a
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difference between allowing an emotion to happen while you're
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speaking and focusing on that emotion and letting it take you
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off track. We never want to do that as speakers. We don't want
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to get self indulgent. But if it doesn't get in the way of the
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story, if you are feeling, even if you're crying, it's actually,
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it's actually, it's fine, and it can actually make you extremely
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engaging. I mean, you don't want snot to be pouring down your
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face, because that can be a little bit distracting. You want
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to get to the point when you've told the story enough that
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you're not a waterfall, but experiencing emotions and
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getting a little bit choked up on stage is really fine, as long
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as you allow yourself to stay focused on your message, on the
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audience, on what you're trying to give them. It's not about
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you, it's about them. So taking the focus off of yourself, off
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of I'm trying to do well. This is the main problem that I find
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when speakers come to me with stage fright. They're so worried
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about how they're going to come across. I might look stupid. I
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might say something wrong. People are going to judge me.
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It's always this fear of judgment in some way, shape or
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form. If we can let that go, which is not okay. It's not an
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easy thing to do, but if we cannot focus on that, and
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instead focus on our audience, what do they need? Then our need
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not to be judged is secondary. I don't care if they judge me, as
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long as they get the content that I want them to like, as
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long as I deliver what I promise to look what I want. But you
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know, as long as I deliver what I promised, then I've done my
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job, and it's fine. I am just the packaging. I am the wrapping
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paper for the gift. I am not the gift. The gift is the message.
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So if they don't like the wrapping paper, that's fine, as
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long as they get the gift. So so she and I work together a lot,
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Tatiana and I work together a lot, and we went through her
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story over and over again, because it was quite dark and it
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was very emotional, and we made sure that we visited it from
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every angle so nothing was going to surprise her. And she was
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very nervous. She was very nervous until the day she went
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on stage. I called her when she was in the green room. We went
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through a warm up together, and she went on stage, and she blew
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it out the park. There were 300 people in that room. She'd never
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spoken to a large group. She'd never spoken by herself before,
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and she kicked so much ass that she got invitations to speak
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around the world from that talk in that room from people who
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were there watching her, she got invitations to speak elsewhere.
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Within an hour of coming off stage, people are coming up to
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her going, oh my goodness, you really connected with me. You
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made me cry. Your story was so strong,
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and she did that by not pretending not to be scared.
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Weird, but by leaning into it, by leaning into who she was,
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into her passions, into her quirky weirdness, she was
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amazing. She just leaned into who she was, leaned into who her
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audience was, knowing her relationship with them was so
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important and knocked it out of the parking Oh, every time I
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watch that video, because she sent me the recording. Every
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time I watch it, I cry because she was so scared. She could not
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get through her talk without collapsing, without breaking
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down. And then she got up there, and she embraced those nerves,
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and she served her audience, and she was captivating and fun and
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silly and quirky and smart and all of those wonderful things
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that makes an engaging speaker. So I'm here to tell you that
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fear is not the enemy. Fear is not the problem. Denial is the
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enemy. We can't deny anything. We can't pretend we're scared
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when we're not. We need to breathe into those nerves. And
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over the podcast, I will be sharing some of my exercises.
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Most of my exercises are quite physical. So if you are curious,
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please just do contact me. Most of my exercises are quite
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physical. I can't really share a lot because, you know, it's it's
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not the medium for that, but I'll do my best. And what I want
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to give to you today are just three really simple tips. If you
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are scared, if you are feeling like you absolutely could never
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get on stage. These are really, really, really, really, really
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baby steps for you, if you're just, you know, I'm going out
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there and I'm managing great good for you. That's not what
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these steps are for. These steps are for people who are paralyzed
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by fear. Because I think, I think there are so many of us,
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there are so many of us who have this fire, who have this need.
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And I think I do believe that the bigger the fire, the bigger
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the passion, the more heart centered and excited and more
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important this message is to you, the bigger the fear is. And
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I'm not saying that if you're not scared, you're not important
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or passionate, but you've probably worked through it a
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bit. But those of us who are still at the beginning of that
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relationship, the beginning of that journey, it's totally
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possible, and it's not as long a journey as you think, because
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really, confidence and fear are right next to each other. I
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don't know if you remember, but in the first episode, I spoke
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about how confidence only comes later. You have to do. You have
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to act. You gotta have that courage and get out there and
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prove to yourself. Confidence saunters along later. We have to
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act before we're feeling good. And we can ride that passion, we
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can ride that need, we can ride that core engine in us, that
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emotion can really push you forward and that fear can really
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project you forward as well. That's what we're going to talk
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about now. So my three Baby, baby, baby steps for paralyzed
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speakers are number one. Record yourself every day. Now, no, no,
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no, no. Don't get scared. Don't worry. It's okay. It's okay.
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Don't ever watch it back. Record yourself only set up the camera
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or your phone. You don't want to be able to see yourself. So you
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can't have your viewfinder pointing to you. It needs to
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just be the camera lens. So if you can just turn your phone
13:29
around, make sure that it is facing you. You do want to you
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do want to be in the frame. Make sure it's facing you. If you use
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your computer, you can just turn off your screen or put a put a
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book in front of the screen so you can't see yourself. Make
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sure you cannot see yourself and then record yourself straight
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for 10 minutes every day for two weeks. Never watch it back. And
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at the end of the two weeks, if you choose to, you can, but I
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would actually prefer that you never do because the point of
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this is that you need to get comfortable not being self
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conscious. And as soon as we even think about the possibility
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that we might watch it back, we screw ourselves over, and we
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start thinking too much, and we get in our heads and we get self
14:13
conscious and we get nervous. So the idea is 10 consecutive
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minutes recording yourself. You never watch it back, and ideally
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you're doing an intimate journal. So it has to be
14:25
somewhere where no one else can hear you. The lighting and sound
14:28
and stuff doesn't matter very much, because this is never
14:31
going to go out in the public. So don't worry about that. You
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do want to be seen and heard, because you are recording
14:38
yourself if, if you're just recording to the ceiling. It's
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not going to feel the same. You need to feel the pressure
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without ever knowing you're going to watch it back. It's
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kind of it's a delicate balance. The idea is, this is an intimate
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journal. This is a practice in presence. I have a lot of
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instructions if you're really interested in this exercise. I
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actually call. It the video journal exercise, and I have a
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whole bunch of instructions, so there's a link below if you'd
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like to check that out. I'm just going to give you the basics
15:07
here, but it is a more complicated exercise. The basics
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are 10 consecutive minutes in relationship with the camera.
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You can close your eyes if you want to, but you are focusing on
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being as real and raw and honest and emotionally alive as you
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possibly can be. So no laundry list of like, well, today I did
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this and this and this. You're not risking anything there.
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That's not exposure. You're not being seen. You need to feel
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seen. You need to feel like this lens is looking into your soul.
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It should feel uncomfortable. It's supposed to but the idea is
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that you're getting it comfortable, being uncomfortable
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in a completely low stakes situation. No one is ever going
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to see this. No one is ever going to hear it. You can say
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whatever you want. You can screw up as much as you like. You can
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cry, you can sing, you anything you like, because no one is ever
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going to see it. The point is the process, not the product.
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This is not about content. This is not about what you're
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choosing to say. This is about the process of getting
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comfortable on camera. This is the process of allowing yourself
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to be seen and be safe, to be raw and real in yourself and be
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safe. It's essentially radical self acceptance. And so there
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are more details to it, if you'd like. You can check out the
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link, but essentially 10 minutes a day, and I would do it at the
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same time of the day no matter what, because you don't want to
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wait until you feel like it. This is not about feeling like
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it. Some days you're going to, oh, I'm really excited to do my
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video journal. Some days you're going to hate it. You're going
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to spend the whole 10 minutes going, This is dumb. I don't
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want to be here. This is stupid. Great. You are doing the
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exercise correctly. It's fine, as long as you're real, honest,
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seen in relationship with the camera, and you cannot see
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yourself, then you're doing it right. That's step one. It's a
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big step, but it will change your life. It will change your
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life, not only with your relationship with your camera,
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but also when you're on stage and in your audience, in front
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of your audience, your self consciousness and your self
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judgment goes down so much. It's amazing. So if that is something
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for you, if you feel a lot of pressure when you press that
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record button, if you're fine, like rehearsing is fine, and
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then I press record and I turn into a dude in front of
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headlights. If that is your issue, this is an excellent
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exercise for you. If you're not sure if you're doing it right,
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call me. In fact, call me every week. Do it for two, maybe even
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three weeks, and call me at the end of the week and go, Hey,
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this is my experience. Don't Don't send me the videos. I
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don't want to see them. But you can call me and tell me about
18:00
your experience, and I can tell you if you're on the right track
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or if you need to adjust in any way, I'm available. You're part
18:06
of my community. Call me. I won't bite. I promise. I'm very
18:09
gentle. Really. I want to nurture you. I want to help you
18:13
out. So that's the first step. The second step is about getting
18:18
yourself comfortable thinking and speaking at the same time,
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because in the video journal, you may be quiet for a while.
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You know you may be just breathing and making eye contact
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with the camera, and that's fine. That's absolutely fine.
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You can do that.
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So the second exercise is more about learning to get over
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yourself when you mess up, learning to improvise, feeling
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good about it. So the idea for the third exercise, the second
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exercise, I could count, I swear, the second exercise is
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we're going to speak out loud. So again, 10 minutes a day. You
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don't need to do it at the same time as video journal. I would
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recommend, you know, you do two weeks of the video journal, and
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then you do two weeks of this exercise, and essentially you're
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going to speak out loud for 10 minutes a day on whatever topic
19:06
you like. Personally, I would recommend actually doing maybe
19:10
nine minutes and doing the same topic three times three minutes
19:14
each. If I'm doing an introduction for a talk, I might
19:18
do that introduction three times over three minutes. So I'm doing
19:22
a different version of it. I'm just practicing improvising,
19:26
practicing speaking from the heart, so it's going to come out
19:29
completely differently every time, which is great. That's
19:32
fine. This is not about memorizing. This isn't about
19:35
locking yourself into something. This is about learning to get
19:37
your brain and your mouth working together, because that
19:42
is actually the hardest part of speaking, is the motor skills.
19:45
So we got to practice. We got to practice thinking and speaking
19:47
at the same time. We're not going to memorize the script, so
19:50
we got to think and speak at the same time. And that will take
19:53
away a lot of the fear, because when you learn that you can
19:56
speak and recover, I can mess up and just go. No, no, I'll just
20:00
keep going. You must keep going. So if you make a mistake, don't
20:05
go back to the beginning and start again. Keep going. This is
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also a skill. It's a skill to learn how to recover, how to
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start speaking again. When you forget what to say, Oh no, I
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don't know what to say. What do I say next? Talk it through with
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yourself. Again, you're not recording this. No one is ever
20:24
going to hear it. If you want to record it. You You can if you
20:27
want, but the point is to just get comfortable speaking to
20:30
yourself. The other thing about it is you must do it while
20:33
you're doing something else, so while you're washing dishes or
20:36
while you're gardening or while you're walking the dog,
20:39
something active, you want to be actively doing something with
20:43
your body so that you're not standing there feeling super
20:46
awkward, just kind of talking to yourself in the mirror. Don't
20:49
talk to the self in the mirror. Never talk to yourself in the
20:51
mirror. Just talking out loud to yourself, washing your hair,
20:58
washing the dishes, gardening, walking, jogging, whatever,
21:03
something physical that is taking your the primary part of
21:07
your brain, to do the thing. But it's not like a you're not like
21:10
solving a puzzle. It's not a big thinky thing. Don't, don't do it
21:13
while writing emails. So that's not going to work. But it's not
21:16
using the language part of your brain, but your body is busy
21:18
doing something else, skipping, exercising, anything? Speak to
21:23
yourself for nine or 10 minutes and every day, ideally, the same
21:28
topic three times. Do that for a week, even two weeks, two weeks,
21:32
if you hate it, if you if you pretty much got the hang of it
21:36
over a week, just do it for a week. It is an amazing way to to
21:40
get to trust yourself, one of the biggest things we're scared
21:44
of when we stand up there and speak, I'm terrified. I'm going
21:48
to mess up, I'm going to forget what to say, and everyone is
21:52
going to judge me. But if I'm used to forgetting what to say,
21:56
fumbling and recovering, that's not a fear anymore. So give that
22:01
one a try. Number exercise. Number two is also extremely
22:04
powerful. Step number three is to take this out into the real
22:10
world. I know it's scary, but we've practiced. We've gotten
22:14
good at recovering. And I'm not saying go out and do a half hour
22:17
Summit. I'm not saying, do that. Go to a networking group, go to
22:22
a Toastmasters group, go somewhere that is designed for a
22:26
practice space. So there's lots of practice labs out there. I
22:30
run one. A lot of other speaking coaches run like practice labs
22:33
too. But if you don't want to do that, just go out networking.
22:38
You go to speak for two minutes maximum, usually only one minute
22:42
about yourself. You can do that. You can speak for one minute.
22:45
You can practice your intro over and over again before you go in.
22:49
Don't memorize it, but practice it. Get comfortable. Get loose.
22:54
Have fun. Be silly. If you are if you are feeling super
22:59
nervous, a final little tidbit is practice at making funny
23:03
faces or in silly voices. And that practice, that fun from
23:07
that practice will come into that irreverence will come in a
23:11
little bit, and it'll just take a little bit of the edge off. I
23:15
have lots and lots of tools to help people overcome nerves.
23:21
These are just these are just two of them, with the third step
23:25
being taken out into the world somewhere, get real life
23:28
feedback. And we'll talk about how to take feedback in another
23:30
episode. But you know, go out there, get feedback, survive,
23:35
realize that you can speak and not die, and it will go a long
23:39
way to allowing yourself to get out there. Now, getting coaching
23:43
is very important. I'm not going to say it's not because we don't
23:48
want to lean into our defense mechanisms to survive. We want
23:52
to stay real. We want to stay present. So if you can find a
23:55
speaking coach, please do you can always call me, of course.
23:59
But don't luxuriate in training. Don't go after Allah, I just
24:04
gotta learn this other thing and then this other thing, and then
24:07
this other thing, and then I'll be ready, because that is just
24:10
avoidance, that is just waiting for the confidence to come. And
24:14
we know that confidence doesn't come first. Courage comes first.
24:18
So if you find yourself luxuriating in training. I'm not
24:22
saying don't do the training, but go out and speak anyway. Go
24:26
out and speak first, and then maybe you can go, oh, this is a
24:31
piece I need to work on, and you can bring it to the training.
24:35
It'll help you feel more confident, because there is
24:39
nothing, there is nothing that will prepare you for going out
24:43
and speaking, other than speaking. And the thing that I
24:46
love about nerves is that they're so physical. We don't
24:48
need to talk ourselves into feeling confident. We don't need
24:51
to talk ourselves out of feeling fear. We just need to do the
24:54
physical practices and we're there. That's all I do. I don't
24:58
try and pretend. I'm not nervous. I just do the physical
25:02
practices. They work. It's like going to gym. If I go running, I
25:06
don't, but if I did, if I went running every day, I would
25:10
become a better runner. It's just, it's unavoidable. If you
25:15
speak every day, especially if you speak mindfully, you're
25:18
aware of your technique, you're you're focusing on all the right
25:21
things, you will become a better speaker. We don't want to
25:25
reinforce your bad habits, so do stay aware. Do still take
25:29
feedback. Do still ask yourself, Am I being a real representation
25:35
of myself? Am I being my full expressive self, or am I hiding
25:40
but after that, just push yourself in lots of little ways.
25:44
I think that's the best way to grow. And I'm going to end it
25:46
with this. I think the best way to grow as a speaker is not to
25:51
jump in both feet. It's already a scary thing. Public speaking
25:55
is already terrifying. We don't need to put your nervous system
26:01
into overdrive. We don't need to throw you into fight or flight.
26:04
It's not a sink or swim situation. Take it inch by inch.
26:09
Put a toe in, then go down to your ankle, then maybe down to
26:13
your knees. Take your time. Do it incrementally. And then every
26:18
time you push your comfort zone, and it's like, oh, oh, it's
26:22
okay. I can do this. You'll get good at pushing your comfort
26:26
zone. And that's really the way that I like to coach. I don't
26:29
want to make my speakers dependent on me. I don't want to
26:32
throw them in the deep end, because then they're going to
26:34
have to keep coming back for reassurance, for validation. But
26:37
if I can empower them, just just just try that a little bit, just
26:42
prod that a little bit, just push that. Can you do just one
26:45
more? One thing more. They get good at doing that themselves,
26:50
and then they keep growing. They might come back to me for, you
26:54
know, extra advice or support on something when they're going to
26:56
a new level, but they will keep growing regardless, because
27:01
they've learned to make friends with that discomfort, that kind
27:05
of well, it feels kind of nice just to push just a little bit,
27:09
not too much. Get comfortable there, then push again. Get
27:13
comfortable there, then push again. That is, I think, the
27:16
best way to grow as a speaker. Take it in baby steps. Don't
27:20
judge yourself for where you are. Don't judge yourself for
27:23
being scared you are exactly where you need to be. Breathe
27:27
into the fear. Take the lid off the butterflies, and just do one
27:32
step at a time. And if you ever need me, I'm here. Take a look
27:36
at that video journal link, and I'll see you next time you.