Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #276 I'll Do Better Tomorrow

Transcript

#276 I'll Do Better Tomorrow · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast. It's the podcast for the
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  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
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  Speaker 2: Now we have to make time for each other and
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  Speaker 2: do things that bring you Droy.
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  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum
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  Speaker 1: and Dad.
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  Speaker 3: I'll do a bit it tomorrow. Is what we call
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  Speaker 3: our Friday podcast. I love this segment because we get
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  Speaker 3: to talk about the learnings that we've had over the
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  Speaker 3: past week as we've practiced our parenting. I should mention
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  Speaker 3: I'm Justin Coulson. I'm the author of a whole bunch
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  Speaker 3: of books about making families happy. And I'm here with Kylie,
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  Speaker 3: my wife, mum to our six kids. Kylie. What I
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  Speaker 3: love about Fridays is that we get to talk about
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  Speaker 3: our little Winds Wednesday Winner and I just love saying it.
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  Speaker 3: It's fun. It just rolls off the tongue. Our little
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  Speaker 3: Winds Wednesday Winner is basically somebody who jumps onto our
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  Speaker 3: Facebook page on a Wednesday when we say, hey, tell
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  Speaker 3: us about your little ones and your little wins with
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  Speaker 3: your little ones. And this week we've had a winner
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  Speaker 3: that I think is just all so. When you jump
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  Speaker 3: onto Facebook and share your little wins with your little ones.
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  Speaker 3: The winner gets a poster pack of our a five
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  Speaker 3: posters of all of the justinisms, all the stuff that
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  Speaker 3: I say to help you to be a better parent.
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  Speaker 3: We've got a bunch of posters and we're giving the
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  Speaker 3: win this week to Jade Church who told us this
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  Speaker 3: beautiful story.
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  Speaker 2: We've been making a real effort to get curious not
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  Speaker 2: furious this week and it paid off last night. Our
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  Speaker 2: middle child seven has been really acting out at bedtime,
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  Speaker 2: throwing herself around, getting out of bed, and just been
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  Speaker 2: playing crazy. After a long cuddle and a discussion, she
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  Speaker 2: shared with us that she didn't like to go to
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  Speaker 2: bed because the dark and the quiet made her think
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  Speaker 2: of Nan, who lived with us and has just recently
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  Speaker 2: passed away after a long battle of cancer. To think
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  Speaker 2: that we could have just reacted to the behavior and
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  Speaker 2: got furious at her makes me feel sick. We worked
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  Speaker 2: out a solution and play sleep music for her to
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  Speaker 2: listen to.
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  Speaker 4: That is a massive win for us.
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  Speaker 3: Isn't that beautiful? It's gorgeous, Sode. Good on you for
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  Speaker 3: getting curious not furious. That's what we're talking about with
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  Speaker 3: old do better tomorrow. That's what it's really all about.
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  Speaker 2: That reminds me of an experience we had with one
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  Speaker 2: of our children many years ago. She refused to go
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  Speaker 2: to school and I couldn't work out what was going on.
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  Speaker 2: And after a little bit of a discussion with her,
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  Speaker 2: it came out that she wanted a new school bag.
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  Speaker 2: And I couldn't understand why she wanted a new school
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  Speaker 2: bag because she had a new school bag, but she
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  Speaker 2: needed a new school bag because she thought that everyone
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  Speaker 2: would be her friend if she had a new school bag,
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  Speaker 2: because she was really really struggling with friends. And here
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  Speaker 2: I was getting frustrated because I just brought her a
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  Speaker 2: school bag, but she needed a specific school bag because
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  Speaker 2: she wanted friends. It had nothing to do with a
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  Speaker 2: school bag.
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  Speaker 3: And the fact that you were able to be curious,
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  Speaker 3: not furious, that you spent time understanding, not reprimanding, meant
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  Speaker 3: that she didn't get a new school bag. But you
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  Speaker 3: got to have a really important conversation with her about
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  Speaker 3: what it means to have friends and what it means
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  Speaker 3: to be popular. And that ended up, I mean, we
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  Speaker 3: ended up changing schools because of that conversation, and it
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  Speaker 3: set her off on a brand new reject of joy
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  Speaker 3: and happiness and she's been one of our happiest kids
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  Speaker 3: ever since. Really really important that we get curious, not furious,
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  Speaker 3: because it can literally change the trajectory of somebody's life.
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  Speaker 3: So Jade Church, congratulations our Little Winds Wednesday Winner. You've
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  Speaker 3: inspired us. You've made Kylie get a bit weeky and cry.
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  Speaker 3: It's a beautiful story, and thank you so much for
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  Speaker 3: sharing that with us. It's really really special. So Kylie,
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  Speaker 3: I'll do better tomorrow. It's pretty much our opportunity to
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  Speaker 3: reflect on our week and work out how we can
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  Speaker 3: be more intentional next week, either because we got something
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  Speaker 3: right and we want to replicate it, or because we
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  Speaker 3: completely blew it and there's work to do. Would you
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  Speaker 3: like to go first today and tell us whether or
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  Speaker 3: not we need to be replicating or reducing and rethinking
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  Speaker 3: what happened in our parenting world this week for you?
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  Speaker 2: Well, look, we often talk about the things that we
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  Speaker 2: do with our children, but today I actually wanted to
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  Speaker 2: highlight something that we've done together recently.
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  Speaker 4: We went on a date.
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  Speaker 3: Yes we did.
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  Speaker 4: It can be really really.
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  Speaker 2: Hard to schedule time in to be together when you
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  Speaker 2: have lots of children, and getting a babysitter can be
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  Speaker 2: hard work, and it can seem like it's just another
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  Speaker 2: thing to add to the to do list. But one
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  Speaker 2: of the things that we've experienced time and time again
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  Speaker 2: over the years is just the realization that we need
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  Speaker 2: to carve out time for us as well.
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  Speaker 3: Can I say something that's going to sound really cheesy
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  Speaker 3: on the podcast, but I really mean it. You are
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  Speaker 3: never another thing to do on my to do list.
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  Speaker 4: I'm grateful for that, honey. Thank you.
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  Speaker 3: So we had a great diet. We jumped on the
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  Speaker 3: scooters because we bought a few electric two electric scooters
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  Speaker 3: like last year sometime when they were on special and
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  Speaker 3: we zipped around.
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  Speaker 2: Well, we drove into the city and I love the
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  Speaker 2: freedom that the scooters give us.
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  Speaker 4: I don't have to go up the hills.
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  Speaker 2: I can just scoot up the hills and we just
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  Speaker 2: get to have so much fun. And in Brisbane City
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  Speaker 2: they've really started like putting the fairy lights all through
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  Speaker 2: the trees.
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  Speaker 4: So once upon a time it was just that one
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  Speaker 4: tree over by.
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  Speaker 3: Qut yeah, Garden's points.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, And now you pretty much can't go any we're
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  Speaker 2: in the city without seeing these beautiful lit up trees
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  Speaker 2: with all these fairy lights. So we took photos under
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  Speaker 2: the Fairy Light Tree.
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  Speaker 3: And I just love scooting along the top of the
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  Speaker 3: Kangaroo Point cliffs and over the story Bridge. I think
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  Speaker 3: for anyone who is in Brisbane, you know exactly what
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  Speaker 3: I'm talking about. In the evenings, it is just gorgeous
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  Speaker 3: and the.
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  Speaker 4: Cooler weather means that it's just it's really enjoyable.
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  Speaker 5: Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: Actually I didn't like how cold it was. But the
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  Speaker 3: take home message is.
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  Speaker 2: You have to make time for each other and do
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  Speaker 2: things that bring you joy. It's so easy for us
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  Speaker 2: to just get into a rut and we just, you know,
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  Speaker 2: go to the same restaurant or go and watch a
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  Speaker 2: movie or something. But we have really enjoyed getting outside
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  Speaker 2: and exploring.
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  Speaker 3: I'm kind of unusual here, but I've always insisted that
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  Speaker 3: a movie is not a date. A movie is something
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  Speaker 3: that you do when you don't want to talk to
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  Speaker 3: the person that you're with. A movie is something you
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  Speaker 3: do when you've got lousy company. If you really love
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  Speaker 3: the person that you're with, do anything but a movie,
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  Speaker 3: go somewhere where you can engage, where you can see them,
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  Speaker 3: hear them, value them, connect with them.
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  Speaker 2: We don't want very many movies and if we do,
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  Speaker 2: it's literally because we are both exhausted, there's nothing left
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  Speaker 2: in the tank.
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  Speaker 3: Which means that we usually fall asleep. What's the point
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  Speaker 3: of watching it anyway? I'm not a big movie fan. Hey,
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  Speaker 3: I'm so glad that you shared that because that makes
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  Speaker 3: me feel a little bit better. My I'll do Better
• 6:14
  Speaker 3: Tomorrow is coming up next, and it's a bit of
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  Speaker 3: a tough one to talk about. It's the Happy Families Podcast.
• 6:20
  Speaker 5: Imagine a home where discipline got results without anyone having
• 6:23
  Speaker 5: to feel bad or in trouble. The do's and don'ts
• 6:26
  Speaker 5: of discipline as a webinar to help parents set limits
• 6:28
  Speaker 5: with love, compassion and humanity. Find it now at happyfamilies
• 6:32
  Speaker 5: dot com, dot au slash shop.
• 6:35
  Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families Podcast, the podcast for the time
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  Speaker 2: poor parent who just wants answers now. And today we
• 6:40
  Speaker 2: are sharing our wins and failures, our reflections of the
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  Speaker 2: week that has been in our household.
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  Speaker 3: I'm going to share a challenge that I've had this week,
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  Speaker 3: and it is just that it's hard to be a
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  Speaker 3: really great parent or a really great partner when you
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  Speaker 3: can't be around.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, you really haven't been around.
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  Speaker 2: I was interested to know what you were going to
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  Speaker 2: talk about today.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, So on Monday, I flew to Adelaide, I spent
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  Speaker 3: some time on the Northern York Peninsula, and then I
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  Speaker 3: was back in Brisbane again on Tuesday. But I was
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  Speaker 3: working all day with clients on Tuesday, running workshops and
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  Speaker 3: giving presentations. On Wednesday, I was on the Gold Coast
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  Speaker 3: running presentations, and then I had a webinar back in
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  Speaker 3: the office at home on Wednesday night, and it wasn't
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  Speaker 3: until Thursday that I was kind of around, but I
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  Speaker 3: was catching up on all the admin that I'd missed,
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  Speaker 3: and it just had a huge office day because I've
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  Speaker 3: been gone all week and I was gone all last
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  Speaker 3: week as well, and then last night I was out
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  Speaker 3: doing some recording for a massive project that I've been
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  Speaker 3: working on. I didn't get home until I don't even
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  Speaker 3: want to talk about what time I got home. I mean,
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  Speaker 3: I I barely got home. And now here we are
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  Speaker 3: on Friday, and I'm kind of thinking I really liked
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  Speaker 3: it with COVID lockdowns because I was home all the time.
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  Speaker 3: And I know that that's an insensitive thing to say
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  Speaker 3: because COVID hasn't been good, but what I used to
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  Speaker 3: do is. I used to catch like one hundred and
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  Speaker 3: twenty hundred and thirty flights a year. I would be
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  Speaker 3: traveling the country, running parenting workshops and running seminars and
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  Speaker 3: doing stuff everywhere, and COVID's completely changed that. And I've
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  Speaker 3: been home for the best part of a year and
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  Speaker 3: a half now.
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  Speaker 4: It's been the best year and a half we've had.
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  Speaker 4: I think it's been. It's been such a delight, and
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  Speaker 4: so I'm.
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  Speaker 3: Sensitive to the fact that it's a real privilege to
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  Speaker 3: be able to do what I do, and I don't
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  Speaker 3: want to complain about it because I love it to
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  Speaker 3: be in front of audiences again and to be able
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  Speaker 3: to share and watch parents cry and laugh and tap
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  Speaker 3: into what they value most as parents, and to be
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  Speaker 3: able to stand in front of I mean, I've spoken
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  Speaker 3: to thousands of school kids over the last couple of
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  Speaker 3: weeks about things like respectful relationships and consent, and I've
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  Speaker 3: had I literally had school kids come up to me
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  Speaker 3: at the end of my presentations and fall into my
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  Speaker 3: arms and sob because of the things that I've shared
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  Speaker 3: that have touched them, because they've been the victims of unkindness,
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  Speaker 3: or because they want to be kinder. It's been extraordinary
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  Speaker 3: to be able to It's such a privileged to be
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  Speaker 3: able to do the work that I do, so I'm
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  Speaker 3: not and.
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  Speaker 4: It's the privileged to be able to support you in
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  Speaker 4: doing it.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, so I'm not complaining about it. But if we're
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  Speaker 3: going to be honest in this podcast and talk about
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  Speaker 3: what's good and what's bad, or what we're learning and
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  Speaker 3: how to be more intentional, what's really stood out to
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  Speaker 3: me is it's really hard to say to you see later, honey,
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  Speaker 3: I'm going to go and make everyone else's families happier
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  Speaker 3: this week. I'll be back at the end of the week.
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  Speaker 3: And then you're left at home. And I know that
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  Speaker 3: so many families go through this one way or the other.
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  Speaker 3: Some people just have jobs that require them to leave
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  Speaker 3: the house at six in the morning and they don't
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  Speaker 3: get back until seven at night, and they don't see
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  Speaker 3: the kids until the weekend. And on the weekend, you've
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  Speaker 3: got to run around a sport and you've got to
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  Speaker 3: ferry the kids here and there, and you've also got
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  Speaker 3: to try and mow the lawn and clean the house
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  Speaker 3: and do all the chores.
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  Speaker 2: It's really easy to be on the other end being
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  Speaker 2: the person who's left behind and feeling like you've been.
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  Speaker 3: Hard done by. Did you feel hard done by while
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  Speaker 3: I was gone? I reckon, well you did, because you
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  Speaker 3: said it to me on the phone. I just I
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  Speaker 3: hate it when you leave me. It's so hard to
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  Speaker 3: do all of this.
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  Speaker 2: I do hate it. But one of the things that
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  Speaker 2: I have had to learn over the years, as we
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  Speaker 2: have gone through this process time and time again is
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  Speaker 2: the acknowledgment that I can't be mum and dad and
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  Speaker 2: I don't ever try, and I accept in those moments
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  Speaker 2: when you are not here that I just can't do everything.
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  Speaker 2: And so often we don't have a home cooked meal,
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  Speaker 2: or we don't, you.
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  Speaker 3: Know, click have a meal at all.
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  Speaker 2: The kids fend for themselves lots of times because I'm
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  Speaker 2: busy getting kids to and from activities, and just I
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  Speaker 2: can't be in two places at once, and so in
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  Speaker 2: those moments, I just have to be kind to myself.
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  Speaker 2: I have to acknowledge that I can only do as
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  Speaker 2: much as I can do and that's okay.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, Well, I mean hearing you say that makes me
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  Speaker 3: feel worse, to be honest, because what I hear you
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  Speaker 3: say is I'm being mum, but the kids need dad
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  Speaker 3: and you're not actually there. And I know that's the case.
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  Speaker 3: There's a lot of single mums that are out there
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  Speaker 3: that are living with that reality every day and who
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  Speaker 3: are literally they're doing the long hour that I've just
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  Speaker 3: said I've struggled to have to do over the last
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  Speaker 3: couple of weeks, but they don't have a support person
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  Speaker 3: at home. They're relying on in laws, or they're relying
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  Speaker 3: on grandparents, they're relying on out of school ours care
• 11:10
  Speaker 3: or babysitters, on nannies or whatever it might be. It's
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  Speaker 3: just I think what I really wanted to highlight. It's
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  Speaker 3: not a pity party, it's just an acknowledgment. It's really
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  Speaker 3: tough to get the balance right no matter what your
• 11:22
  Speaker 3: circumstances are, whether you're a fly and fly out worker
• 11:24
  Speaker 3: or somebody who does shift work or just long days,
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  Speaker 3: or maybe you're doing it on your own. And I
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  Speaker 3: kind of just I wanted to acknowledge you if we're
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  Speaker 3: going to talk about how I'll do better tomorrow. It's
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  Speaker 3: made me reflect on just how much all of us
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  Speaker 3: as parents prize and value the opportunity to be together
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  Speaker 3: with our family to make the most of those moments
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  Speaker 3: and to make sure that we don't get caught up
• 11:51
  Speaker 3: in the thick of thin things. One of my favorite
• 11:54
  Speaker 3: quotes from years ago was the main thing is to
• 11:56
  Speaker 3: keep the main thing the main thing. And sometimes when
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  Speaker 3: I'm out on the road like that, I sort of
• 12:00
  Speaker 3: think to myself, is this the main thing?
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  Speaker 1: Like?
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  Speaker 3: Is this what I'm really doing this for?
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  Speaker 4: Well, I'm looking for tomorrow. What are we doing for
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  Speaker 4: Super Saturday?
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  Speaker 3: Well let's talk about that once we finish the podcast,
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  Speaker 3: because I haven't got anything planks. I've been so busy,
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  Speaker 3: but we need to work it out because and if
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  Speaker 3: you've been I think that's probably the TAKEO message. Really,
• 12:15
  Speaker 3: we've got to take a message from you that we've
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  Speaker 3: got to spend time as a couple. And the TAKEO
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  Speaker 3: message from me is when you are that busy, as
• 12:26
  Speaker 3: soon as it stops, as soon as you've got the
• 12:27
  Speaker 3: capacity to be present, be intentional about it. So I
• 12:30
  Speaker 3: can't wait to jump off the podcast and have a
• 12:33
  Speaker 3: conversation with you about how I can be intentional tonight
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  Speaker 3: with the kids and what we can do for Super
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  Speaker 3: Saturday so that it can be a really super Saturday
• 12:42
  Speaker 3: with the family. I'm excited for it, and you've just
• 12:44
  Speaker 3: reminded me of how important that is. We hope that
• 12:47
  Speaker 3: that was a useful conversation for you. The Happy Families
• 12:50
  Speaker 3: podcast is produced by Justin Ruhland from Bridge Media and
• 12:53
  Speaker 3: Craig Bruce is our executive producer. If you love the podcast,
• 12:56
  Speaker 3: please let other people know about it by sharing your
• 12:59
  Speaker 3: ratings and reviews at Apple Podcasts so that it increases
• 13:02
  Speaker 3: the visibility of the podcast. Hey, next week, I'm so
• 13:06
  Speaker 3: excited for some of the conversations that we're going to
• 13:08
  Speaker 3: be having big, important conversations. And we'll continue the discussion
• 13:12
  Speaker 3: that we're having with Megan Mars, the professor from Michigan
• 13:15
  Speaker 3: State University, about the pornography plague that is besetting our children,
• 13:20
  Speaker 3: and on Monday, we're going to have a chat about
• 13:23
  Speaker 3: time affluence. How can we create a sense of time affluence,
• 13:28
  Speaker 3: extending on that conversation that we had a couple of
• 13:30
  Speaker 3: weeks ago where I was saying how we were really
• 13:32
  Speaker 3: going to work hard on having more time, only for
• 13:34
  Speaker 3: me to complain today that we have no time at all.
• 13:36
  Speaker 3: We need to dive a little bit deeper there, So
• 13:38
  Speaker 3: we'll do that next week on the Happy Families podcast.
• 13:41
  Speaker 3: If you'd like more info in the meantime about how
• 13:43
  Speaker 3: to make your family happier, or to check out our membership,
• 13:45
  Speaker 3: you can go to happy families dot com dot au