Latest / Hurdle with Emily Abbate / #HURDLEMOMENT: Why You Need to Stop Performing To Fit In, ASAP, With Yasmine Cheyenne

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#HURDLEMOMENT: Why You Need to Stop Performing To Fit In, ASAP, With Yasmine Cheyenne · Hurdle with Emily Abbate

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Speaker 1: I'm allowed to have emotion. I'm allowed to feel how
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Speaker 1: I feel. I give myself permission to feel.
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Speaker 2: Hey, everyone, EMILYA Badi here, you are listening to an
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Speaker 2: installment of Hurdle Moment from Hurdle, a Wileness focus podcast
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Speaker 2: where I connect with everyone from your favorite athletes to
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Speaker 2: top experts and industry CEOs about their highest highs, toughest moments,
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Speaker 2: and everything in between. We all go through hurdles in life,
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Speaker 2: and my goal through these discussions is to empower you
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Speaker 2: to better navigate yours and move with intentions so that
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Speaker 2: you can stride toward your big potential and of course
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Speaker 2: have some fun along the way. For today's conversation, I
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Speaker 2: am chatting with my girl, Yasmin Cheyenne. We have chatted before,
1:00
Speaker 2: which is why you likely recognize her name. She's an author,
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Speaker 2: self healing, educator and speaker. She's also the host of
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Speaker 2: the sugar Jar podcast and the author of an upcoming
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Speaker 2: book called Appropriately the Sugar Jar. Now, today, Yasmin and
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Speaker 2: I are talking all about let's put it this way, boundaries,
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Speaker 2: but bigger than that, what it means to perform to
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Speaker 2: fit in and why doing that, why performing can actually
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Speaker 2: be detrimental.
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Speaker 3: To your well being.
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Speaker 2: Yasmin opens up about what we need to pay attention
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Speaker 2: to when it comes to our emotions and.
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Speaker 3: How to explore those.
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Speaker 2: She says that performing is often happening without our conscious permission,
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Speaker 2: and so many of us ought performed before we even
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Speaker 2: have the chance to realize that we're doing it.
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Speaker 3: So we unpack that.
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Speaker 2: We explore the different ways that we often perform in life,
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Speaker 2: the concept of being present to the discomfort, and why
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Speaker 2: we may be performing in the first place, Plus address
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Speaker 2: how performing empties, as she puts it, your sugar jar,
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Speaker 2: and ways that we can stop, including getting to know
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Speaker 2: yourself again, recognizing that it's okay if you don't fit
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Speaker 2: in everywhere, and so much more. As I mentioned, she
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Speaker 2: does have a book coming out soon, so I'm going
2:33
Speaker 2: to link to it in the show notes. Pre order
2:37
Speaker 2: check it out. Happy to support you, my friend. Make
2:41
Speaker 2: sure you are following along with Hurdle over on social media.
2:44
Speaker 2: It's at Hurdle Podcast. I am over at Emily a Body. Also,
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Speaker 2: I've got two goal setting workshops announced. I will link
2:52
Speaker 2: to both of those in the show notes. These are
2:54
Speaker 2: small group You've got to be present, but I can't
2:58
Speaker 2: think of any better way to wrap up the year
3:01
Speaker 2: or lead in come January. There's one in December, one
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Speaker 2: in January, then talking about the big things that we're
3:09
Speaker 2: going after in twenty twenty three and beyond again. The
3:13
Speaker 2: link to sign up for one of these workshops is
3:15
Speaker 2: in the show notes. They are first come, first serve,
3:20
Speaker 2: last little bit of housekeeping. I get messages all of
3:22
Speaker 2: the time asking me for some of my favorites, and
3:25
Speaker 2: I included them in last week's installment of the Weekly Hurdle.
3:30
Speaker 2: I'm talking gear picks, workout clothes, mindfulness tools, plus some
3:35
Speaker 2: really great offers from Hurdles sponsors, perfect for gifting. The
3:40
Speaker 2: link to subscribe if you aren't just yet is in
3:44
Speaker 2: the show notes. And with that, let's get to hurdling.
4:02
Speaker 3: Today.
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Speaker 2: I am sitting down with Yasmin Cheyenne. She is the
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Speaker 2: upcoming author of the book The Sugar Jar Create Boundaries,
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Speaker 2: embrace self, healing and enjoy the sweet things in life,
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Speaker 2: among many other things.
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Speaker 3: How are you doing today? Good?
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Speaker 4: Thank you for having me back.
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Speaker 3: Oh, it's so good to have you back.
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Speaker 2: Can I tell you that I re shared our episode
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Speaker 2: from last year recently and people love listening to you speak,
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Speaker 2: I got messages about how soothing your voice was.
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Speaker 4: Oh my god. Well every time I hear that, I'm
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Speaker 4: so shocked.
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Speaker 1: Thank you.
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Speaker 3: How's it going over there?
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Speaker 1: It's good, as I was just sharing, like it's good,
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Speaker 1: and it's also crazy and like trying to practice what
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Speaker 1: I preach, holding the duality of great things and also
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Speaker 1: stretching in many ways.
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Speaker 3: Stretching in many ways.
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Speaker 4: I love that for herd podcasts.
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Speaker 2: Yes well, I mean, as I mentioned just now, author
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Speaker 2: of an upcoming book, how how do you feel?
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Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, I feel like I cannot believe it's real.
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Speaker 4: I just can't believe it's here.
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Speaker 1: I'm definitely incredibly grateful, but also like, as it's tough,
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Speaker 1: I'm trying to like, I don't want to miss this
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Speaker 1: kind of kind of feeling I would imagine very similar.
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Speaker 1: It definitely feels like a marathon. So every time I'm
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Speaker 1: on here, I love that I can use all like
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Speaker 1: the running stuff, as everybody knows, but it feels like
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Speaker 1: that like I don't want to miss this moment that
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Speaker 1: I've been training so hard for.
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Speaker 4: I want to experience it. Yeah.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, and when there's like balls flying in every direction,
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Speaker 2: it's hard to be entirely present for like any one moment.
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Speaker 2: But I appreciate you bringing your energy and your presence.
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Speaker 3: Back to Hurdle.
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Speaker 2: Before we jump into what we're going to talk about today,
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Speaker 2: catch us up a little bit on what you've been
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Speaker 2: doing aside from working on this book.
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Speaker 1: What's new in your world? I, you know, recently became
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Speaker 1: a creator on Melissa Woodhealth platform. I have you know,
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Speaker 1: expanded the offerings on my app, and then also just personally,
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Speaker 1: I've been taking time to not be so busy. I
6:14
Speaker 1: think before it was kind of like anything that comes
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Speaker 1: my way, I'm excited, I can't wait to do it.
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Speaker 1: And I've just been really intentional about what projects I'm
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Speaker 1: taking on and like making sure that I have time
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Speaker 1: for myself and my kids and my family.
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Speaker 3: How do you do it?
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Speaker 4: Take the time?
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Speaker 3: Yeah.
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Speaker 1: Uh.
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Speaker 4: The hardest part is I have to like experience fomo.
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Speaker 1: I I, like most people do, not like to feel
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Speaker 1: like I'm missing out. There's especially you know, being on
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Speaker 1: a New Yorker you understand, you know, you say no
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Speaker 1: to an event and then you see it happening and
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Speaker 1: you're like God, and I know I was at that
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Speaker 1: event or I had which I had that opportunity, and
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Speaker 1: I've just recognized that wherever I'm supposed to be at,
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Speaker 1: i'm supposed to be at, and if I say no
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Speaker 1: to it, I'm not missing it. I'm experiencing what I
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Speaker 1: have right now. And that's been a major shift. And
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Speaker 1: maybe that's growing up, you know, maybe that's a part
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Speaker 1: of finally being okay, not being in the know with everything.
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Speaker 2: So yeah, you know, that's a really interesting perspective, perhaps
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Speaker 2: a shift for some to think about that saying no
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Speaker 2: to something, even if you want to be experiencing that thing,
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Speaker 2: it's still you saying yes to something else. For instance,
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Speaker 2: i have a holiday party coming up that I'm going
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Speaker 2: to miss because I'll be traveling for work in Las Vegas.
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Speaker 2: But I'll be traveling for work in Las Vegas. So
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Speaker 2: it's like there are choices that we have to make
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Speaker 2: all the time. It doesn't necessarily mean that those choices
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Speaker 2: are easy, but we do have the opportunity to make
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Speaker 2: them more often than.
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Speaker 4: That, yes, and they're not easy.
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Speaker 1: Like I experienced the fomo, I've just been allowing myself
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Speaker 1: to feel disappointed. That's been a huge part of the season,
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Speaker 1: like hearing the nos, not putting myself out there because
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Speaker 1: I'm afraid of what's going to be said experiencing all
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Speaker 1: of it, and that's been Oh yeah, maybe book two.
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Speaker 2: Well, like I said at the top of this, your
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Speaker 2: upcoming book, just like your whole shick called the sugar Jar.
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Speaker 2: Before we get into again what we're going to talk
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Speaker 2: about today, which is performing to fit in, why don't
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Speaker 2: you give us a little background, a little refresher on
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Speaker 2: what the sugar jar mentality really is.
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Speaker 1: Yes, So the sugar jar started literally in my living room.
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Speaker 1: I was holding my newborn. I had just come back
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Speaker 1: from maternity leave, and.
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Speaker 4: I was overwhelmed.
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Speaker 1: I was overwhelmed because I had said yes to too
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Speaker 1: many things. And I think at the time, I thought
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Speaker 1: because the things I was saying yes too were quote
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Speaker 1: unquote good things that I should be fine, like oh
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Speaker 1: it's a party, or oh it's a work opportunity, or
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Speaker 1: it's this that it should be okay. I didn't realize
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Speaker 1: that I was still draining myself, and so I started
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Speaker 1: voice noting out loud to myself because I had no hands,
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Speaker 1: newborn and everything else, and I was just saying that
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Speaker 1: I felt like a jar of sugar in which people
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Speaker 1: would just come into my kitchen, take sugar, spill it
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Speaker 1: all over the place. They didn't care how much I had,
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Speaker 1: they didn't care how much energy I need it for myself.
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Speaker 4: They would just take it.
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Speaker 1: And for the moment, that felt really good, because then
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Speaker 1: that kind of placed the blame on them, like they're
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Speaker 1: coming in, they're taking from me.
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Speaker 4: And then I.
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Speaker 1: Realized the solution to that problem would be me putting
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Speaker 1: a little my jar one closing the front door, like
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Speaker 1: people coming into your kitchen, they have access to you,
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Speaker 1: but putting a little on my jar and saying I'm
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Speaker 1: not going to allow people to just come in and take.
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Speaker 1: They're going to have to ask me, you know, putting
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Speaker 1: those boundaries in place. And it was really embarrassing at
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Speaker 1: the time. I never thought I was going to be
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Speaker 1: sharing this. This was a private This was a personal
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Speaker 1: thing that I was sharing with a friend because I
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Speaker 1: was overwhelmed and to be honest, freaking out because I
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Speaker 1: teach boundaries, So I was like, how am I struggling
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Speaker 1: like this when this is something that I'm teaching people.
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Speaker 1: This was something that I thought was going to be
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Speaker 1: like a private thing that no one would ever know about.
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Speaker 4: And she was like this is really helpful.
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Speaker 1: I think you should share this with me, with me
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Speaker 1: and other people on my podcast, and so I did,
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Speaker 1: and so I hope that the sugar Jar becomes an
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Speaker 1: invitation for people to get curious about the ways that
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Speaker 1: people are entering our lives and having access to us,
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Speaker 1: not because they are taking from us. Some people are,
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Speaker 1: but usually it's because we're allowing them in. And it
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Speaker 1: hopefully empowers you to put a live back on your job,
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Speaker 1: put those boundaries in place, and remember that you do
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Speaker 1: have more power than you realize. And it's tough because
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Speaker 1: you know, people always say, well, what about with my mom,
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Speaker 1: what about with my sister? We could get into that,
10:48
Speaker 1: but that is what the sugar jar is.
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Speaker 3: Yeah.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, and I totally relate to the sentiment you shared
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Speaker 2: about wondering if it would be something that you ever
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Speaker 2: shared public, right, like, if it was something that would
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Speaker 2: serve you. But the reality is, and as it's so
11:07
Speaker 2: clear because you've taken sugar Jar way past this initial conversation,
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Speaker 2: is that it is something that people need and that
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Speaker 2: vulnerability was so special not only for you but also
11:21
Speaker 2: for your community.
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Speaker 1: Absolutely, yeah, even when you just said, like it's you know,
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Speaker 1: the sugar Jar is You're kind of like your namesake.
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Speaker 4: It's so always so interesting to me. I talk about
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Speaker 4: it in a book.
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Speaker 1: It's like I ran from this, Like I taught it
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Speaker 1: the one time, and then I was like, I don't
11:35
Speaker 1: want to talk about it again. Not because I don't
11:38
Speaker 1: love the sugar Jar, but because it was forcing me
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Speaker 1: to ask myself hard questions that I wasn't really interested
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Speaker 1: in dealing with at the time. And so I've learned
11:50
Speaker 1: anytime there's something that comes up that I'm running from
11:52
Speaker 1: like that, it's because it's an invitation for me to
11:55
Speaker 1: dig deeper. And so the sugar Jar definitely likes that
11:58
Speaker 1: sounds cliche, but like saved my life life in that
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Speaker 1: I thought I had all the boundaries in place, and
12:05
Speaker 1: I thought I had all the negative stuff dealt with,
12:07
Speaker 1: and it's introduced me to the idea of.
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Speaker 4: Healing being a long term thing. Yeah.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, And man, that line, I realize, anytime I'm trying
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Speaker 2: to run from something, it's really an invitation for me
12:19
Speaker 2: to dig deeper.
12:20
Speaker 3: How hard is that work?
12:22
Speaker 2: Though, like we oftentimes we do want to run from
12:26
Speaker 2: these situations that are more often than not uncomfortable digging
12:30
Speaker 2: to uncover whatever it is is actually a major insecurity.
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Speaker 1: Oh my god. I mean I just had a conversation
12:38
Speaker 1: today that I was like, God, I don't want to
12:39
Speaker 1: do this. I mean there's times where I have to
12:43
Speaker 1: have I mean, let's be clear, I don't have to
12:46
Speaker 1: do anything, but where I know that having a tough
12:49
Speaker 1: conversation or a difficult conversation that's a part of having
12:53
Speaker 1: healthy relationships. I think we think that healthy relationships mean
12:58
Speaker 1: everything will be easy, everything will be simple, and it's
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Speaker 1: like no, having healthy relationships often means there's more emotions,
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Speaker 1: there's more discussions, there's.
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Speaker 4: More feelings, there's more all.
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Speaker 1: Of the things that we usually suppress and stuff down
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Speaker 1: and hide under the guise of resentment and passive aggression
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Speaker 1: and all of the other things. And so yeah, allowing
13:18
Speaker 1: myself to be a part of it. If I say
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Speaker 1: I want healthy relationships and allow myself to actually do
13:22
Speaker 1: the work for it, it's a tough thing, and I'm
13:24
Speaker 1: glad I do it because then I understand why my
13:26
Speaker 1: clients are like, what, I don't want to do this,
13:27
Speaker 1: but I feel you I'm doing it too.
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Speaker 2: Okay, So when we say the phrase performing to fit
13:34
Speaker 2: in spill the tea. What does it mean when you
13:38
Speaker 2: are performing to fit in? I loved these sentiments in
13:42
Speaker 2: your book.
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Speaker 1: Thank You Yes. In chapter three of my book, I
13:46
Speaker 1: talk about performing to fit in, and it is essentially
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Speaker 1: the idea of becoming someone else, whether it's what your
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Speaker 1: family says you should be, society says you should be,
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Speaker 1: your partner says you should be in order to fit in.
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Speaker 1: And the problem is we may fit in, but we're
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Speaker 1: not actual. We don't belong because you can only belong
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Speaker 1: when you are showing up as yourself. I noticed that
14:15
Speaker 1: with myself and clients and things like that, that people
14:18
Speaker 1: would have all of these people around them and they
14:21
Speaker 1: still never felt like they were in community. And when
14:25
Speaker 1: we are not being our authentic selves, we're not saying
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Speaker 1: how we really feel.
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Speaker 4: We're not sharing from a vulnerable place, and so performing
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Speaker 4: to fit in is really keeping us from the opportunity
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Speaker 4: of experiencing true community.
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Speaker 1: And a lot of us just keep people around for
14:40
Speaker 1: the sake of saying we have people. But when we
14:43
Speaker 1: really ask ourselves what we want in our relationships, it's
14:46
Speaker 1: not to be someone else, and it's not to be
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Speaker 1: loved or accepted or seen because we're being someone else
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Speaker 1: or doing what we think is the right thing to do.
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Speaker 4: It's because we're being ourselves.
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Speaker 2: So let's kind of unwrap different ways that we may perform.
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Speaker 3: Let's give some examples.
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Speaker 1: Yes, okay, So one of the examples I share in
15:03
Speaker 1: the book is I was at this very swanky Upper
15:06
Speaker 1: East Side event, And if you're not from New York,
15:11
Speaker 1: you may not relate. But like when New York does swinky,
15:15
Speaker 1: it's swanky like Cardier Ormez, It's it's high class. I
15:19
Speaker 1: had never read, even been to that side of town,
15:20
Speaker 1: and I grew up in Brooklyn, and so immediately I
15:24
Speaker 1: recognize that like having on my like Zara bag, which
15:27
Speaker 1: I love.
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Speaker 4: Zara is very cute.
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Speaker 1: But I was in the room with a different crowd,
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Speaker 1: and I had an option, an opportunity. Was I going
15:37
Speaker 1: to be myself or was I going to you know,
15:39
Speaker 1: we call it a New York front or was I
15:41
Speaker 1: going to be someone else? Was I going to pretend
15:44
Speaker 1: to be someone else? And so we show up and
15:45
Speaker 1: we perform sometimes by acting like we know things that
15:48
Speaker 1: we don't. That's the biggest way that I see people perform.
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Speaker 1: There's so much vulnerability and strength and saying I don't know,
15:55
Speaker 1: and so many people feel like, no, I have to
15:57
Speaker 1: know everything, so.
15:58
Speaker 4: We pretend we know when we don't. We may act
16:01
Speaker 4: like we have access to certain things or certain people.
16:04
Speaker 1: Have you ever met someone who seems to know everybody
16:06
Speaker 1: you know, but genuinely you've never seen them before. I've
16:09
Speaker 1: learned that people aren't doing that because they want to
16:12
Speaker 1: be weird or annoying or anything. They're trying to connect,
16:17
Speaker 1: but it doesn't come off that way. It comes off
16:19
Speaker 1: very odd when it's happening to you. So people try
16:22
Speaker 1: to act like they know who you know. And I
16:24
Speaker 1: think another way that we perform is by conforming to
16:26
Speaker 1: society standards. Specifically, if I just talk about women, some
16:32
Speaker 1: people are married not because they wanted to be married,
16:34
Speaker 1: because they thought they had to. Some people have children
16:37
Speaker 1: because they didn't never had an option. Some people have
16:40
Speaker 1: degrees because their family wanted me to be a doctor
16:43
Speaker 1: or a lawyer and they felt like, that's my only option.
16:46
Speaker 1: So these are some of the really big ways that
16:49
Speaker 1: we perform too. And we think that we're fulfilling ourselves,
16:52
Speaker 1: but actually we're fulfilling a role that society, or our family,
16:57
Speaker 1: or our culture has designed for people quote on quote
17:00
Speaker 1: like us, and we may not even know what we
17:02
Speaker 1: need or what we want or truly desire.
17:05
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I also think performing when it comes to
17:08
Speaker 2: feelings can be super dangerous. I know you speak on
17:12
Speaker 2: the performance of not speaking up when something doesn't feel good,
17:16
Speaker 2: or believing in the notion that we're stronger than others
17:19
Speaker 2: and can therefore push through certain situations or experiences and
17:23
Speaker 2: relationships that are hurting us. And in reality, again, ignoring
17:27
Speaker 2: how you really feel isn't going to serve you.
17:31
Speaker 1: Absolutely, and I think we from the time that we
17:35
Speaker 1: probably start school, we're taught to perform to control our
17:38
Speaker 1: emotions or to control our emotions to fit society standards
17:42
Speaker 1: of what they think we should be. A lot of
17:44
Speaker 1: us are told not to cry, a lot of us
17:46
Speaker 1: are told to tough enough. Stop being so sensitive is
17:49
Speaker 1: another one that that's used, and so over time we
17:52
Speaker 1: learn how to we don't even have access to our
17:56
Speaker 1: emotions anymore or our true feelings, and it shows up
17:59
Speaker 1: in our relationships. The idea, you know, we see this
18:02
Speaker 1: on social media a lot, the idea of unlearning. I
18:04
Speaker 1: think a lot of us are in the phase of
18:06
Speaker 1: life where we're learning how to allow ourselves to feel
18:11
Speaker 1: how we feel, not feeling afraid of being too vulnerable
18:15
Speaker 1: or too emotional or saying the wrong thing, but instead
18:19
Speaker 1: choosing to advocate for ourselves. And performance does have a
18:24
Speaker 1: place in time. You know, we don't want to like
18:26
Speaker 1: unload on people that we just met. And also I've
18:30
Speaker 1: really found like one of the simplest ways to practice
18:32
Speaker 1: not performing is when someone asks you how your day is, Like,
18:34
Speaker 1: when we just got on the call, was like, how's
18:36
Speaker 1: it going. I mean sometimes I say like, oh, it's great,
18:39
Speaker 1: and sometimes I'm like it's great, and also it's not.
18:42
Speaker 1: I'm not feeling it. And it's just a tiny small
18:44
Speaker 1: way that I allow myself to show up here more
18:47
Speaker 1: honest and true than pretending everything is great when it's not.
18:51
Speaker 1: I'm not going to load every all my business on you,
18:53
Speaker 1: but also I'm going to be you know, real.
18:55
Speaker 4: Yeah.
18:56
Speaker 3: Yeah, it can be both.
18:57
Speaker 2: It can be good and things can also feel some
18:59
Speaker 2: kind of way at the same time. This brings us
19:03
Speaker 2: back to where we started this conversation, which is then
19:06
Speaker 2: me asking you, how did you choose to perform or
19:09
Speaker 2: not to perform at that Upper East Side of business luncheon.
19:14
Speaker 1: Oh well, I chose to perform, and I chose to
19:19
Speaker 1: perform because at the time I didn't know that there
19:22
Speaker 1: were any other choices. I think it's important to share
19:25
Speaker 1: that some of the performance was happening unconsciously.
19:29
Speaker 4: There were some things that I had just been taught, like, oh,
19:31
Speaker 4: when you're on the side of town, do this, do that.
19:33
Speaker 1: There were certain things that had been given about that
19:37
Speaker 1: part of town or those kinds of people, And I
19:39
Speaker 1: think this will resonate with a lot of people.
19:41
Speaker 4: A lot of us have been given stories like whether
19:43
Speaker 4: you're dating or whether you're making.
19:44
Speaker 1: Friends or whatever you're doing, you've been given ideas about
19:47
Speaker 1: how you should behave or conform, and so that was
19:51
Speaker 1: kind of some of that unconscious playing out. But then
19:54
Speaker 1: consciously I was beating myself up and feeling like crap
19:59
Speaker 1: for not measuring up to the standards I had put
20:02
Speaker 1: them on.
20:02
Speaker 4: It was a pedestal.
20:03
Speaker 1: I don't know them, but because they had things that
20:05
Speaker 1: I didn't have access to, I automatically assumed I don't
20:08
Speaker 1: fit here, and.
20:09
Speaker 4: So that was that was a way that I thought
20:13
Speaker 4: was helping you feel better.
20:14
Speaker 1: I'll just pretend that I do know, and genuinely I
20:17
Speaker 1: felt worse when I left that no one actually got
20:21
Speaker 1: a chance to get to know me because I was
20:24
Speaker 1: afraid to be myself.
20:25
Speaker 2: Right, So you were afraid because you were making those assumptions.
20:29
Speaker 1: Because I was making those assumptions that there was no
20:31
Speaker 1: way that I could connect without being one of what
20:35
Speaker 1: they seemed like they were to me.
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22:27
Speaker 2: So what you're talking about here is that performing essentially
22:31
Speaker 2: empties your sugar jar.
22:33
Speaker 3: Let's talk a little bit about that.
22:36
Speaker 1: So we talked about I walked into this event, I
22:39
Speaker 1: already have these preconceived notions I am trying to fit
22:44
Speaker 1: in based on the standards that I think they have
22:46
Speaker 1: that I don't know.
22:47
Speaker 4: So these are all assumptions again and some societal.
22:50
Speaker 1: Stuff, cultural stuff, And I've decided to perform at this event,
22:54
Speaker 1: and I'm beating myself up about the fact that I'm
22:57
Speaker 1: performing at this event, while also saying I should have
23:00
Speaker 1: never come.
23:01
Speaker 4: So like all of this is happening internally. Nobody knows.
23:03
Speaker 1: They think, oh, she you know, I don't know what
23:05
Speaker 1: they's what they think, but they don't know how I'm
23:08
Speaker 1: actually feeling inside. I leave that event depleted because one
23:16
Speaker 1: any energy that I would have had, any sugar that
23:19
Speaker 1: I would have had that would have filled me, has
23:21
Speaker 1: been drained in the beating of myself, beating myself up.
23:24
Speaker 4: I continued this.
23:26
Speaker 1: I don't know about everyone else who's listening or you,
23:28
Speaker 1: but like something like that happens, I'm playing that out
23:30
Speaker 1: for a week, like that's not something that is going
23:33
Speaker 1: to be over tomorrow.
23:35
Speaker 4: I'm playing that out for a week.
23:36
Speaker 1: I'm talking to my friends about it, I'm in therapy
23:39
Speaker 1: about it. And it's now this has become like a
23:42
Speaker 1: week long thing versus the moments that I'm myself, even
23:46
Speaker 1: when it's a little quirky, even when it's a little uncomfortable,
23:49
Speaker 1: I might drain a little bit, but overwhelmingly I'm like, whatever,
23:53
Speaker 1: at least I was myself, it wasn't my group of people.
23:56
Speaker 1: I can move on, and I think it's important to
23:58
Speaker 1: mention that I'm sharing that performing drains your jar, not
24:02
Speaker 1: as a way of shaming or blaming, but through self awareness.
24:06
Speaker 1: That's the only way that we can begin to make changes.
24:09
Speaker 1: And so we recognize that we have a behavior pattern
24:12
Speaker 1: like performing that drains us, then we can begin to
24:15
Speaker 1: make choices, like conscious choices about what we need to
24:18
Speaker 1: do to make sure that we stay full throughout uncomfortable situations,
24:22
Speaker 1: because you're not always going to be in a group
24:24
Speaker 1: of people who are your people. That's not how careers
24:27
Speaker 1: were in business, none of that, even dating. But how
24:30
Speaker 1: can I stay full while I'm in these situations. I
24:34
Speaker 1: don't have to conform, I don't have to lower myself.
24:36
Speaker 1: I don't have to beat myself up. It would have
24:38
Speaker 1: been really helpful to say to myself instead, you're doing
24:41
Speaker 1: the best you can. I'm proud that you're still here,
24:44
Speaker 1: like those kinds of things, And so I wanted to
24:48
Speaker 1: say that because I think it's helpful that people understand
24:50
Speaker 1: this isn't something that happened overnight.
24:53
Speaker 4: This was a long term.
24:56
Speaker 1: This is a long term commitment that I made to
24:59
Speaker 1: myself to learn how to be there for myself when
25:02
Speaker 1: the opportunity presents itself for me to perform when the
25:06
Speaker 1: opportunity presents itself for you to perform, And how you
25:10
Speaker 1: can be there for yourself if you choose to, because
25:13
Speaker 1: sometimes we still do and if you don't, and it
25:16
Speaker 1: still feels awkward and weird and uncomfortable, how you can
25:20
Speaker 1: walk yourself through and hold a space of compassion for
25:24
Speaker 1: yourself for choosing you, despite the opportunity to do otherwise
25:28
Speaker 1: right right.
25:29
Speaker 2: And I love what you say in the book because
25:32
Speaker 2: I feel as though oftentimes we think, like, okay, to
25:36
Speaker 2: remediate this, I can lean into my entire wellness routine.
25:40
Speaker 2: And you write in the book, while you're trying to
25:42
Speaker 2: fill yourself up with wellness tools, setting boundaries, and practicing
25:46
Speaker 2: self care, you may not notice that one of the
25:48
Speaker 2: things you need to do is repair within. You don't
25:52
Speaker 2: need a new jar. There's nothing wrong with the one
25:54
Speaker 2: you've got. You just no longer need to carry the
25:56
Speaker 2: burden of being someone other than you.
26:01
Speaker 1: Yes, I think there's every client that I've ever interacted with,
26:07
Speaker 1: or every workshop that I've ever been to, the initial
26:09
Speaker 1: question that people ask me is how can I change?
26:12
Speaker 1: How can I, you know, make sure that I fit in?
26:14
Speaker 1: How can I do a better job at work. How
26:17
Speaker 1: can I, you know, have an advantage in the dating
26:20
Speaker 1: world or in the apps or whatever. And I'm like,
26:23
Speaker 1: how about how can we be ourselves and find people
26:26
Speaker 1: that don't need us to change or shift or conform
26:29
Speaker 1: to belong And when it comes to career and business,
26:32
Speaker 1: I'm always very clear that we can't yes, capitalism, all
26:36
Speaker 1: those things.
26:36
Speaker 4: I get it.
26:37
Speaker 1: And because we are living within that system, I understand
26:41
Speaker 1: that there's going to be times in a room where
26:43
Speaker 1: you don't love the people that are in the room,
26:46
Speaker 1: and yet you need to pay your bills because adulting right.
26:49
Speaker 1: And so when you're in those situations where maybe you
26:52
Speaker 1: can't change the whole system where you can't find a
26:54
Speaker 1: new job, or maybe you're in a relationship that you
26:58
Speaker 1: really want to save and you're both working towards it,
27:01
Speaker 1: and it feels like you have to choose your you know,
27:04
Speaker 1: there's so many different situations. Maybe you're a parent and
27:07
Speaker 1: if you had the choice, you wouldn't have been a parent.
27:09
Speaker 1: There's so many things that we realized later on in
27:11
Speaker 1: our lives. I think understanding that you can choose now
27:16
Speaker 1: to be yourself, like there's nothing you don't have to
27:19
Speaker 1: like walk away and It's not too late, is my point. Like,
27:25
Speaker 1: you haven't run out of time because you've already made
27:27
Speaker 1: the decisions that like, if you wish you weren't a doctor,
27:29
Speaker 1: if you wish you weren't a lawyer, whatever it is
27:32
Speaker 1: you wish you weren't married, it's not too late to
27:34
Speaker 1: decide to be yourself and still perhaps stay in your marriage,
27:38
Speaker 1: if you love you're a partner, stay as a doctor,
27:40
Speaker 1: or change or pivot the way that you do it,
27:42
Speaker 1: you know, change the way you show up on the apps,
27:44
Speaker 1: change the way you show up at word. I think
27:46
Speaker 1: it's really important that we recognize that choosing yourself is
27:51
Speaker 1: a choice that we can make at any stage of
27:53
Speaker 1: our lives. And it doesn't have to be something that
27:57
Speaker 1: we chose the first day that we had an opportunity
27:59
Speaker 1: to step out in the adult world.
28:01
Speaker 4: It's something that we can choose right now.
28:03
Speaker 1: You're listening to this and you're like, actually, I'm sick
28:05
Speaker 1: of this particular way I'm showing up. We just got
28:07
Speaker 1: through the holidays. So many of us perform during the
28:10
Speaker 1: holidays just to make it through, and even something small,
28:15
Speaker 1: as you know, whatever holiday you step celebrate, if something
28:18
Speaker 1: you celebrates coming up deciding I'm not going to have
28:20
Speaker 1: conversations about my dating life. I'm not going to talk
28:22
Speaker 1: about where I'm going to have kids. I'm not going
28:24
Speaker 1: to talk about whatever my family wants to talk about
28:28
Speaker 1: that makes me uncomfortable anymore. I'm going to find a
28:29
Speaker 1: way to advocate for myself and be myself without having
28:33
Speaker 1: to overgive my energy, my sugar, myself in ways that
28:36
Speaker 1: make me say and do things that don't actually feel
28:39
Speaker 1: true to me.
28:40
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, oh my gosh.
28:42
Speaker 2: So many good nuggets in there, especially this idea of
28:47
Speaker 2: like how do I get them to like me?
28:49
Speaker 3: Like ask yourself, like do you even like them? Right?
28:53
Speaker 2: And that is such a key theme when it comes
28:56
Speaker 2: to everything from the work that you do to the
29:00
Speaker 2: people that you spend your time with.
29:02
Speaker 3: You're hitting here on you know, one of the.
29:05
Speaker 2: Key metrics or instances of how you can stop performing,
29:09
Speaker 2: and that truly is just by doing inventory on who
29:13
Speaker 2: it is that you are and what is it that
29:16
Speaker 2: you like, Who are you at your very core? What
29:20
Speaker 2: are your values? And you know kind of where you
29:22
Speaker 2: go from there. In the book, you write get to
29:25
Speaker 2: know yourself again. So what do you mean really by
29:29
Speaker 2: getting to know yourself?
29:30
Speaker 1: Again, Yes, I think so many of us haven't had
29:33
Speaker 1: the opportunity to do that. In the beginning, we were
29:36
Speaker 1: told who we are.
29:37
Speaker 4: I don't know about you.
29:38
Speaker 1: But like in my family, it's like, oh, you know,
29:41
Speaker 1: we're Brooklyn Nines, We're New Yorkers.
29:42
Speaker 4: This is what New Yorkers do. We can make it anywhere,
29:45
Speaker 4: we can make it through anything.
29:46
Speaker 1: I really carried that as I can suffer through, I
29:52
Speaker 1: can push through. Like I remember when nine to eleven
29:56
Speaker 1: happened and the next day after September twelfth, school was off,
30:02
Speaker 1: but September thirteen, school started again and everybody went back
30:05
Speaker 1: to work, and I remember everyone in my family being like, yeah,
30:09
Speaker 1: because we're so resilient. And I'm not saying that's not resilience.
30:13
Speaker 1: I'm saying sometimes we carry that kind of I just
30:17
Speaker 1: went through an incredibly traumatic experience and I'm going to
30:20
Speaker 1: move on like nothing ever happened with us. And that's
30:24
Speaker 1: performing we don't even ask ourselves, but what do I need? Yes,
30:29
Speaker 1: the city of New York, my family might feel like
30:31
Speaker 1: this is resilience, but what do I need? So I
30:33
Speaker 1: think it's just important to really check in with yourself
30:36
Speaker 1: and ask what are the things that fill me up.
30:39
Speaker 1: Now what my family needs me to do, now, what
30:41
Speaker 1: my friends need me to do, not what my partner
30:43
Speaker 1: needs or what I feel like I have to be
30:44
Speaker 1: as a parent. How can I support myself? How can
30:47
Speaker 1: I be there for myself? How can I get to
30:50
Speaker 1: know myself in a way that feels true to me?
30:52
Speaker 1: Maybe I think things like gardening or doing something like
30:56
Speaker 1: roller skating is really exciting, but I never do it
30:58
Speaker 1: because I feel like one will think it's weird, or
31:02
Speaker 1: I want to do something different with my hair, but
31:03
Speaker 1: I feel like I want to actually perform. It can
31:05
Speaker 1: be in the small things like that and also big things.
31:07
Speaker 1: Asking yourself about what you want to do within your career,
31:11
Speaker 1: and again, I think being really key because I think
31:14
Speaker 1: this is important. So many people feel like they have
31:16
Speaker 1: run out of time, Like I'm thirty five, I'm forty five,
31:20
Speaker 1: I'm fifty five, it's too late for me to get
31:22
Speaker 1: to know myself again, asking yourself? Are there any belief
31:25
Speaker 1: systems that I have in place that limit or keep
31:28
Speaker 1: me from asking myself those questions? And that happens so
31:32
Speaker 1: often too. And I'm sure when it comes to like
31:33
Speaker 1: training for a marathon.
31:34
Speaker 4: People feel like Oh that that shit is, Saaled.
31:36
Speaker 1: I can't do it anymore. You know, I'm not as
31:38
Speaker 1: young as I used to be. I definitely felt like
31:40
Speaker 1: that when I started running again. I told you that
31:42
Speaker 1: I'm not in the military anymore. I can't start that.
31:45
Speaker 1: That's a belief system. That's a belief system based on
31:49
Speaker 1: scarcity and based on what I think I have to
31:52
Speaker 1: be in order to start something. Maybe I can't win
31:54
Speaker 1: a marathon anymore, perhaps, but I.
31:57
Speaker 4: Might be able to run it and enjoy it.
31:59
Speaker 1: And I think even perfectionism gets in the way of
32:02
Speaker 1: us getting to know ourselves and starting something different.
32:06
Speaker 2: Yeah, you know you said something that beckons the question
32:09
Speaker 2: if someone is trying to figure out who it is
32:12
Speaker 2: that they are, what happens during that process if they
32:15
Speaker 2: start to realize that maybe they don't really like what
32:18
Speaker 2: they are discovering.
32:20
Speaker 1: That's the hardest part, I think, and that's why I
32:23
Speaker 1: keep bringing up really tough things like parenting, like marriage,
32:28
Speaker 1: like career. Those are often the key arts of what
32:32
Speaker 1: we choose people. I mean, it's ridiculous that whether you
32:35
Speaker 1: decide to be a parent or not, it's still such
32:37
Speaker 1: a big discussion, and yet people feel like they really
32:40
Speaker 1: have to defend their decisions because of what society says
32:44
Speaker 1: about what we should shouldn't be doing. And the same
32:46
Speaker 1: thing goes with marriage and career. And if you find
32:50
Speaker 1: yourself in a situation where you've chosen something, whether it's
32:53
Speaker 1: those three things I mentioned or something different that you
32:56
Speaker 1: realize you don't want any more, what would it feel
32:59
Speaker 1: like just give yourself the opportunity to explore the things
33:03
Speaker 1: that you know for sure are of interest. We don't
33:07
Speaker 1: always have to have the next answer, Like, it doesn't
33:09
Speaker 1: have to be a hard and fast I know that
33:11
Speaker 1: I want to, you know, go off and explore, you know,
33:13
Speaker 1: different islands, or I know I want to, you know,
33:16
Speaker 1: get into swimming or scuba diving. If you don't know
33:19
Speaker 1: what it is, what are the things that you like?
33:20
Speaker 1: And that's why I think having something I call a
33:24
Speaker 1: joy list, which is just a list of like ten
33:26
Speaker 1: to fifteen things that you really enjoy. Some of the
33:29
Speaker 1: things on my list are gardening, dancing, listening to music,
33:34
Speaker 1: cooking a special meal. When I find myself wondering if
33:38
Speaker 1: I've committed to something that I'm not sure that I love,
33:41
Speaker 1: I immediately go to my joy list and do something
33:44
Speaker 1: that I know I love, and I find in the
33:46
Speaker 1: process of doing things that I love that I remind
33:49
Speaker 1: myself of the other things that It's like it's a
33:52
Speaker 1: it's a ripple effect. As I'm doing something I love,
33:55
Speaker 1: I start to remember other things that I love, other
33:57
Speaker 1: things that bring me joy. It gets me out of
33:59
Speaker 1: the life logical place of having to have the right
34:02
Speaker 1: answer and into the feeling place of remembering. When I'm
34:06
Speaker 1: connected to something that feels good, I have more access
34:11
Speaker 1: to my true emotions, to my true needs, to what
34:14
Speaker 1: truly feels good to me. And so especially for my
34:18
Speaker 1: logical folks, especially for my recovering perfectionists like myself, allowing
34:23
Speaker 1: yourself the space to do something different. I want you
34:27
Speaker 1: to put down the pros and cons lists and pick
34:30
Speaker 1: up a pink brush.
34:31
Speaker 2: Yeah, just get out of that like heavy thinker energy,
34:34
Speaker 2: get that super logical place and ask yourself genuinely how
34:39
Speaker 2: do I feel?
34:41
Speaker 3: And listen, which again is challenging.
34:45
Speaker 4: Yes, And there's a chapter in the book called how
34:47
Speaker 4: do you feel?
34:47
Speaker 1: And it's because when people think about the things that
34:51
Speaker 1: got them to where they are, Like if you find
34:53
Speaker 1: yourself in a relationship or a job or whatever, where
34:55
Speaker 1: you feel like, how did I get here? We often
34:57
Speaker 1: think one, I want to heal, two I want to
35:00
Speaker 1: set boundaries, and I caution you to think how do
35:04
Speaker 1: I feel first? Because when we set boundaries based on
35:08
Speaker 1: I want all of this out versus what do I
35:11
Speaker 1: want in, we end up putting up walls instead of
35:16
Speaker 1: putting up permeable boundaries that we know. Okay, I said,
35:19
Speaker 1: I'm not dating this kind of person anymore, not I'm
35:23
Speaker 1: done with dating period. I said I'm not doing this
35:26
Speaker 1: kind of job anymore, versus I'm done with corporate Like,
35:30
Speaker 1: we put up these very wide generic rules because we're
35:35
Speaker 1: trying to keep ourselves from being hurt, rather than recognizing, actually,
35:39
Speaker 1: I just don't want that kind of thing specifically.
35:42
Speaker 2: Yeah, oh my god, what an important important takeaway now?
35:46
Speaker 2: I know that you, because I follow you closely on Instagram,
35:50
Speaker 2: are all about giving us mantras, giving us things that
35:55
Speaker 2: we can follow along with to transition perhaps into these
35:59
Speaker 2: new faces of feeling. So when it comes to releasing
36:04
Speaker 2: this energy, when it comes to skipping over performance and
36:09
Speaker 2: embracing who we truly are, where is it that we
36:12
Speaker 2: can begin from a mantra?
36:14
Speaker 1: Pov I love say it with me I feel like
36:18
Speaker 1: when you say say it with me, you're including the universe, God,
36:21
Speaker 1: whatever you believe in your mantra, but also remembering that
36:25
Speaker 1: like collectively, we're all saying it too. So when it
36:29
Speaker 1: comes to how I feel, I would say say it
36:32
Speaker 1: with me. I'm allowed to have emotion, I'm allowed to
36:35
Speaker 1: feel how I feel. I give myself permission to feel.
36:40
Speaker 1: And I think that's a great place to start from
36:43
Speaker 1: because so many of us don't even feel like we
36:46
Speaker 1: should have access to our emotion. If you're recovering strong
36:49
Speaker 1: friend or a strong partner, if you are recovering people pleaser,
36:56
Speaker 1: maybe codependency, all of those kinds of things, where all
36:59
Speaker 1: you've been doing is wearing out and holding space for
37:01
Speaker 1: other people. You may not have even had connection to
37:05
Speaker 1: your emotions or can remember real relationships that were healthy
37:10
Speaker 1: where people were holding space for you, And so practicing
37:13
Speaker 1: holding space for yourself is a great place to start.
37:16
Speaker 2: It's a great place to start. Wow, this was such
37:19
Speaker 2: a good conversation. Is there anything that you want to
37:21
Speaker 2: add before I let you go?
37:23
Speaker 1: I just want to say thank you, And I hope
37:25
Speaker 1: that for listeners if they get the book, that they
37:28
Speaker 1: treat this as an invitation to get to know themselves
37:32
Speaker 1: in a different way and also share with friends and
37:35
Speaker 1: family that you know are interested and open. We're not
37:39
Speaker 1: like Heal bombing people and saying hey, you need to
37:44
Speaker 1: do some work.
37:45
Speaker 2: But yeah, thank you, but yeah okay.
37:48
Speaker 3: So if they don't follow you already, Yasmin, how did
37:50
Speaker 3: the hurdlers follow along with you? How do they keep
37:52
Speaker 3: up with you? Give us the info?
37:54
Speaker 1: Yes, Yasmin Cheyenne on Instagram and yasminshan dot com slash
37:59
Speaker 1: but to pick up.
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Speaker 2: The book Perfect I'm over at Emily a Body and
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Speaker 2: at Hurdle podcast Another Hurdle Conquered.
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Speaker 3: Catch you guys next time.