Latest / New Manager Conversations with Fexingo: First 90 Days, Managing Former Peers, and Leadership Basics / New Managers and the Art of Saying No
Transcript
- Lucas: A few weeks ago I was talking with a marketing manager — let's call her Priya — who'd been promoted about six months earlier at a SaaS company with about 200 employees. Luna: Six months in, that's right where the honeymoon phase ends. Lucas: Exactly. She'd inherited a team of four, and they were drowning. But not in the good kind of drowning — the kind where everyone's busy but nothing moves the needle. She told me her team was fielding requests from three different departments, most of them urgent, and she felt like she couldn't turn anything down. Luna: So she's saying yes to everything. Classic new manager trap. Lucas: Right. And here's the thing — she knew she should say no sometimes. But she was terrified that if she pushed back, she'd look uncooperative or incompetent. Plus, some of those requests came from the VP of sales, who's basically the second-highest-paid person in the company. Luna: Oof. So the fear is real. But what's the cost of never saying no? Lucas: Burnout, low-impact work piling up, and eventually the team resents you because you're not protecting them. I saw a study from Harvard Business Review that looked at first-line managers across 120 companies. Leaders who said no strategically — meaning they declined requests that didn't align with their team's priorities — were rated 23 percent higher on team effectiveness by their direct reports. Luna: Twenty-three percent — that's huge. So it's not just about self-preservation. It's a leadership skill that actually makes your team perform better. Lucas: Exactly. But the key word is 'strategically.' There's a difference between a strategic no and a defensive no. A defensive no is when you say no because you don't want to do the work, or because it's inconvenient. A strategic no is when you say no because saying yes would pull resources away from something more important. Luna: And the tricky part for a new manager is that you might not even know what's more important yet. You're still figuring out your team's priorities. Lucas: That's exactly the blind spot. So I walked Priya through a simple framework I call the three-question filter. Before she says yes or no to any new request, she asks herself three things. First: Is this directly tied to one of my team's top three goals this quarter? Second: Does this require a skill or resource that only my team has? And third: If I say yes, what existing commitment gets delayed or dropped? Luna: I like that third question especially. It forces you to name the trade-off out loud. Lucas: Right. Because when someone asks you to do something, they're not thinking about what you'll stop doing. That's your job to articulate. So Priya tried it. A week later, the VP of sales came to her with a request for a custom one-off report that would take a designer and a copywriter about three days to put together. Luna: Ooh, the classic 'can you just run a quick report.' Lucas: Never quick. So she runs the filter. Question one: Is this tied to a top-three goal? Not directly — their goals were around product launch support and lead generation. Question two: Unique resource? Any team with basic analytics could do it. Question three: If yes, what gets delayed? The product launch collateral, which was due in two weeks. Luna: So the answer was clearly no. But how did she actually say it without alienating the VP? Lucas: That's the art. She didn't just say 'no.' She said something like: 'I understand this report would be helpful. Right now, my team is fully committed to the product launch collateral, which is our top priority this month. If I pull two people onto this report, that collateral will slip by at least a week. Would you like me to reprioritize, or can we find another way to get this done?' Luna: So she framed it as a choice for the VP, not a refusal. That's smart. Lucas: Exactly. She put the trade-off in his hands. And what happened? The VP paused and said, 'No, don't delay the launch. Let me see if someone in the sales ops team can handle it.' Luna: And that's a win-win. The VP got to make an informed decision, and Priya protected her team's focus. Lucas: That's the model. But I'll add one more layer — saying no to your own team. New managers also struggle with this. A direct report comes to you with a cool side project they want to pursue. It's interesting, but it's not aligned. Do you squash their enthusiasm? Luna: That's a different kind of no. You don't want to demotivate them. Lucas: Right. So the approach here is different. You can say: 'I love that you're thinking creatively. For this quarter, we need to stay focused on X and Y. But let's carve out some time next quarter to explore that, or see if there's a smaller version we can test now without derailing our main work.' Luna: So you're not saying no forever. You're saying 'not now' or 'not in this form.' That preserves the relationship. Lucas: Exactly. And sometimes you can redirect. Maybe the side project actually overlaps with a current goal in a way they didn't see. Your job as manager is to help them connect the dots. Luna: This reminds me of something I read about how Pixar handles creative notes. They have a rule: 'yes, and' is for brainstorming, but when it's time to commit, you have to be ruthless about what stays and what goes. The best ideas survive because someone said no to the good ones. Lucas: That's a great analogy. And it applies directly to new managers — you're the editor now. Your job is to decide what the team will and won't do. That's a shift from being an individual contributor, where your job was just to do your own work well. Luna: It's also a shift in identity. You're no longer the person who says yes to prove yourself. You're the person who says no to protect the mission. Lucas: That's really well put. And it ties back to that HBR finding — the managers who said no strategically were seen as more effective, not less cooperative. Because their teams knew they had a clear sense of direction. And their bosses respected them for being thoughtful about resources. Luna: I think the hardest part for a lot of new managers is the fear that saying no will make them look weak or unhelpful. But the research actually shows the opposite. Lucas: It does. And it's something that gets easier with practice. Priya told me that after a few months of using the three-question filter, her team's output actually went up because they were spending time on the right things. And the VP of sales started coming to her first for strategic input, not just requests. Luna: That's the dream outcome. You say no to the busywork and yes to the influence. Lucas: Exactly. And look, we've been talking about this because it's one of the most common struggles we hear from listeners who are new to management. If you've found this series helpful — whether it's navigating your first 90 days, giving feedback, or learning to delegate — we've been able to keep these conversations ad-free and focused on practical advice thanks to a small group of listeners who chip in monthly. Luna: Yeah. It's honestly pretty minimal — but it makes a real difference in allowing us to keep doing deep dives like this one. Lucas: If that's something you'd like to be part of, you can find us at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. No pressure at all — just a way to support the work if it's added value for you. And now, back to saying no — because we're not done yet. Luna: One more scenario I want to throw at you. What about when your own boss asks you to take on something that doesn't align? That's even harder because it's hierarchical. Lucas: That's the ultimate test. And the principle is the same — you frame it as a trade-off. You say: 'I want to make sure I'm prioritizing what matters most to you. If I take this on, I'll need to deprioritize project X. Is that the right call?' Luna: So you're not saying no to your boss. You're asking them to help you prioritize. Lucas: Exactly. Most bosses will appreciate that clarity. And if they say yes, deprioritize X, then you've got cover. If they say no, then they've essentially said no for you. Either way, you're not the bad guy. Luna: That's a useful reframe. It's not about defiance — it's about alignment. Lucas: Right. And I'd say the more you practice this, the more natural it becomes. The first few times feel awkward. But after a while, people start to see you as someone who understands the big picture. And that's exactly the reputation you want as a new manager.