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Leaving the Arena · Relatively Stable

• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Leaving the Arena.
• 0:10
  One horsewoman's exit from the culture of mastery and the
• 0:15
  wisdom that followed.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: Arena, a place or scene of activity, debate, or conflict.
• 0:28
  I'm not too proud to admit that I made a fake profile on a
• 0:31
  dating site the day
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: after my ex-husband left me in Turkey.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I'm a little proud.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: It told me all I needed to know.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: As I posed as a blonde with perfect proportions,
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: he easily chatted about all he disliked about his wife.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: She doesn't ride anymore, he wrote.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: I think she's afraid of horses.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: The truth as usual didn't fit into a single sentence.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: Let's get started.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: Better medicine.
• 1:10
  I take a daily scroll through the BBC and try to dive beneath
• 1:15
  the headlines to
• 1:16
  discover the pieces of humanity captured from around the world
• 1:21
  beyond the noise
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: that keeps us terrified and numbed into inaction.
• 1:27
  this is where i discovered a game-changing snake bite antivenom
• 1:32
  being developed
• 1:33
  from the blood of an american man he has spent eighteen years
• 1:37
  injecting himself
• 1:38
  with venom and purposefully subjecting himself to bites to
• 1:43
  build up his natural
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: defenses
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: Initially,
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: he did this for protection as a snake handler,
• 1:50
  but the secrets contained in his antibodies inspired a mission
• 1:54
  to work with
• 1:55
  researchers to develop a better universal antivenom to protect
• 2:00
  hundreds of
• 2:00
  thousands of people who are annually killed and maimed by snake
• 2:04
  bites around the world.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: When not snake handling, he works as a mechanic.
• 2:11
  The information in his blood is now being used to produce
• 2:15
  universal antivenom,
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: a job that has previously been given to horses.
• 2:23
  Most antivenoms on the market today are produced by injecting
• 2:27
  horses with venom
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: from snakes,
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: spiders,
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: and scorpions,
• 2:31
  and then harvesting their blood plasma rich in antibodies to
• 2:36
  produce a serum ready
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: for human bite victims.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: Once again, I've learned something new about horses.
• 2:44
  This got me thinking about how we inadvertently inoculate
• 2:48
  ourselves to poisons.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: A metaphor exploded in my brain,
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: which is like a song getting stuck,
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: but it's wispy and more vague.
• 2:59
  Metaphors dissolve when you try to nail them down,
• 3:03
  only to reappear in a different place.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: I watch horses help people heal and grow into their skins every day.
• 3:12
  They do this by reversing the layers of protection we've built
• 3:16
  up slowly over time
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: to a thousand lifelong pains.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: We inoculate ourselves to the poison of discomfort,
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: thinking we need to just take it,
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: ignore it,
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: get over it,
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: whatever it is.
• 3:34
  By the time we've grown up and come face to face with a horse
• 3:38
  and a moment of truth,
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: all those hidden slights work their way to the surface,
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: deep splinters,
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: and we can't ignore the throbbing anymore.
• 3:49
  This reverse inoculation via horse asks us to remember we have
• 3:54
  a nervous system
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: thrumming with information.
• 3:58
  The horse brings us back into our mostly ignored bodies and we
• 4:02
  have the opportunity
• 4:03
  to sort through what we need to still hang along with us and
• 4:07
  what is ready to be discarded.
• 4:09
  For all the contributions of the horse to the science of
• 4:13
  healing our physical bodies,
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: they have for eons been offering us a balm for our emotions,
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: for our spirit.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's hard to quantify that kind of healing,
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: but the effects with time cross over to the physical.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: Feeling is believing.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: But the truth is no horse can do the work for us.
• 4:35
  They can show us where it hurts and peel back the layers and
• 4:39
  hold up a mirror.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: But if we keep choosing the poison, the antidote has nowhere to go.
• 4:45
  At some point,
• 4:46
  we have to stop blaming the world for what we keep repeating.
• 4:51
  And we have to stop asking horses to carry what we're unwilling
• 4:55
  to put down.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: The Fall.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: The Fall.
• 5:26
  I kept a flask of whiskey tucked into my duffel bag of tricks I
• 5:31
  hauled from barn to barn.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: Back then,
• 5:34
  I lived on the road with my car as a rolling tack room and my
• 5:38
  life stitched
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: together through rides and arenas across the region.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: The day the horse flipped over on top of me,
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: I was lying in thick unforgiving sand,
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: trying to decide if I could move my leg.
• 5:53
  Pain bloomed and pulsed through my body,
• 5:57
  and it was sharp enough to drain my willpower.
• 6:00
  I asked someone to grab the bag from my car because I needed
• 6:04
  something to dull the
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: edge before I did what I knew I had to do next.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: I had to get back on.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: But to do that, I had to manufacture some courage.
• 6:16
  I knew that if I did not get back on as soon as I could stand
• 6:19
  dragging my leg
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: behind me,
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: I'd probably never get back on this horse at all.
• 6:25
  Last week I told you about my first teaching gig at a big barn
• 6:29
  carved into the side
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: of a mountain.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: There were too many instructors,
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: too many programs vying for top place,
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: and competition between staff was cultivated and encouraged.
• 6:41
  I worked out of several other small barns and had a great
• 6:44
  roster of students and
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: horses in training,
• 6:47
  but they didn't do much to curb the stress I carry with me on
• 6:50
  the road between farms.
• 6:53
  The barn manager at the Big Barn hired me to ride her horse
• 6:56
  several days a week.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: The goal was to put miles on the mare and start her over jumps.
• 7:03
  I rode her over the course of months and felt like we were
• 7:06
  reaching an understanding.
• 7:08
  What I didn't know until it was too late was that another
• 7:11
  trainer was riding the
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: horse on my off days.
• 7:15
  And this goes back to Tommy and the draw reins and how he told
• 7:19
  me to not use them.
• 7:22
  There was a goal for me to get the little mare's head down as
• 7:25
  she was ridden.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: The owner wanted to see her travel with her nose low and her neck flexed,
• 7:31
  and I didn't know yet how to spend years with a horse offering
• 7:35
  the freedom to build
• 7:36
  strength slowly so there wasn't a need to raise their head out
• 7:40
  of tension stemming
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: from the rider in the first place.
• 7:44
  so i caved i unbuckled the regular reins and looped the draw
• 7:49
  reins through the
• 7:49
  metal o-rings of her bridle sliding them into place it was a
• 7:54
  small decision made
• 7:55
  under pressure against my gut against tommy's voice in my head
• 8:00
  but i needed to give
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: results i needed to keep the job
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: The mare was unfazed by the contraption as I warmed her up.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: I'd used it on her before,
• 8:11
  but coming down the long side of the huge arena fenced in tall
• 8:15
  metal livestock panels,
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: the mare paused and lost momentum.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: She planted her feet and she gave a little hop.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: Thinking she was going to rear,
• 8:27
  I tapped her neck between her ears and her feet left the ground completely.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: Unable to balance herself through the sudden crank of the draw reins,
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: the motion of rearing caused her to lose her footing.
• 8:45
  Up with nowhere to go,
• 8:47
  she heaved herself to save herself,
• 8:50
  and then she flipped over backward.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: I, by the grace of every guardian spirit, slid off her rump mid-fall.
• 9:00
  I landed in the V formed by her hind legs and the fence as the
• 9:06
  full force of her
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: back landed on top of the metal rails above me,
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: right where I had been sitting.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: I heard the structure that held my saddle together snap in two.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: Everything felt like it was happening in slow motion,
• 9:22
  and I remember consciously realizing the horse had two options
• 9:25
  as she twisted to stand.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: She could land completely on top of me,
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: or she would have to step on my body with her foot to regain balance.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: I sat beneath her with my legs stretched out in front of me.
• 9:41
  I watched the arc of her movement shift in an attempt to save
• 9:45
  me from the full blow.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: The force of her right hind foot came down on my calf,
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: and she used this point as a springboard to move away from me.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: All in all,
• 9:57
  she did everything in her power to inflict the least possible
• 10:01
  damage on the little
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: human who had gotten her into this horrible fix.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: She could have easily killed me or herself that day.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: I smelled death in the middle of our sweat.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: She did right by me, even though I had done awfully by her.
• 10:19
  The owner of the horse and the other riders in the ring ran to
• 10:23
  check on me.
• 10:24
  I fumbled in my bag for the flask of whiskey and I took a big,
• 10:28
  long swallow.
• 10:29
  I used the arms of the people around me to leverage myself up
• 10:34
  from the sand.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: I gathered the mare's torture reins and I swung back on top of her.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: I was doing what I had always been told to do.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: I got back on.
• 10:47
  My leg was remarkably unbroken,
• 10:50
  but the hematoma stretched from my knee to my ankle.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: My leg was black, but it didn't stop me.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: I rode side saddle for the next six months.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't courage that lifted me back into the saddle.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: It was something older,
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: like a reflex or a ritual,
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: a muscle memory passed down from all my teachers.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: But after that day, something inside of me started to warp.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: A shift moved like a shadow under my skin, gray and mottled like my leg.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't have the foresight to call it clarity.
• 11:31
  I just knew that I was riding with something broken and it
• 11:35
  wasn't just my leg or my
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: pride or my ego.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: I think it was my heart.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: The off side.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: For years,
• 11:49
  I told myself the story that the accident happened because
• 11:52
  someone else had been
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: riding the mare,
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: that another trainer had unstitched our rhythm,
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: and that I was working uphill against sabotage.
• 12:02
  Blaming the world is exhausting,
• 12:05
  and I'm too tired now to keep chasing culprits.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: I'd like to blame the other trainer for the accident,
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: but the signs of an upcoming sensory avalanche were there all along.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: I was just too busy and inexperienced to read them.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: As I moved from barn to barn,
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: saddle to saddle,
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't finding time in the transits to do the long,
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: slow work of watching and noticing and feeling.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: There was no stillness, only results.
• 12:36
  Riding side saddle because my body gave me no other choice
• 12:40
  during that time,
• 12:42
  I first wondered why it was women relegated to the side saddle
• 12:46
  when men had more
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: moving parts to protect down there.
• 12:50
  But as I kept on,
• 12:52
  I realized that riding side saddle is a practice in waiting.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: In a fixed position from the waist down, you have no choice but to wait.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: For the jump to come to you,
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: for the off-girth to be tightened by someone on the ground,
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: for the horse to respond.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: The horses used for a side saddle are chosen for their steadiness.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't ready to stop riding, but I needed something to slow me down.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: Riding a side did what I couldn't do for myself.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: It held me still.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: And in that stillness,
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: I started to see that I had been riding horses the way I treated myself,
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: by pushing them past their limits until their bodies,
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: like mine,
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: shut me down.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: There had to be a better, less painful way to live with horses.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: Stable Roots is where I share stories about horses,
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: resilience,
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: and the life I've built from both.
• 13:56
  I write weekly about connection,
• 13:58
  healing,
• 13:58
  and the messy,
• 13:59
  beautiful business of showing up.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: You can subscribe for free and follow along.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: A paid subscription goes even further by directly supporting the farm,
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: the horses,
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: and the work we do here every day.
• 14:13
  However you choose to be a part of this community,
• 14:15
  I'm just grateful that you're here.
• 14:23
  the arena max and i were together teaching managing farms
• 14:29
  hosting clinics and
• 14:30
  giving presentations for five years before i rolled all our
• 14:35
  operations into one
• 14:36
  spot i named it bramblewood stables and our first home base
• 14:41
  before we moved to the
• 14:42
  farm we've been operating out of for the past two decades was
• 14:46
  the farm i had grown
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: up in
• 14:49
  The barn of my childhood was an old beast with a big arena
• 14:53
  enclosed in a metal
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: racetrack fence and acres and acres of turnout fields.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: With everything in one spot,
• 15:02
  the three plus hours I'd spend on the road each day were
• 15:06
  condensed into time I
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: could use to hang out with the rhythms of my herd.
• 15:12
  Six horses on loan from a summer camp joined Max and me to
• 15:17
  teach people how to ride.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: Blackjack,
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: a pony with the sole of a beautiful dragon,
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: followed me from the big barn on the side of the mountain.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: I purchased three others and sank into the actions of feeding,
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: cleaning,
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: fixing,
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: teaching,
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: learning,
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: noticing.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: I knew the land and I remembered its stories.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: I knew what gullies held the memories of pain.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: I knew which corners were haunted.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_00: I bought hay from one cousin.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: Another mowed the fields.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: Another taught me the names of plants.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: I'd come home to myself and Max was beside me.
• 15:59
  The constant rage to know and to do and to be was still held in
• 16:05
  the sweat of my pores.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: But with a place to call my own,
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: I no longer felt like a ghost on the edge of other people's lives.
• 16:13
  I had the freedom to stop pushing my body into places that felt unwelcoming.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: I had time to notice, maybe for the first time in my life.
• 16:23
  I still traveled to the master once a week to ride his horses
• 16:26
  in lessons.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: I saw Tommy Smith sporadically,
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: if at all,
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: but he was always a lifeline at the other end of the phone.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_00: My time with the master was sacrosanct.
• 16:39
  I never canceled or scheduled anything else from morning to
• 16:43
  late afternoon on Wednesdays.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: I made the long drive up the mountain,
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: rode,
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_00: discussed,
• 16:50
  and wrote in my notebook at a table by myself and a little bar
• 16:54
  in the center of Tryon,
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: North Carolina,
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: the birthplace of horse sports in America.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: I used the notes to teach the students at my home farm during the week.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: The last day I rode with the master,
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_00: the last day I rode as an act of performance,
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: was absolutely normal in every way.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: New green bloomed in the trees.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: The drive was soothing.
• 17:20
  My tall boots were worn and burnished like beautiful gloves
• 17:24
  against my calves.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_00: My hair was twisted up in a net, perfectly contained beneath my helmet.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_00: I was poised and collected and totally looked the part of a young,
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_00: accomplished,
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_00: connected professional making her way into the equestrian elite.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_00: The master's groom prepared my ride for the day,
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: a young horse who had just arrived from Europe,
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_00: fresh out of quarantine and delivered to the farm a few days before.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: Something in my gut said no.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_00: The horse told me no.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: but I'd built a whole life by overriding my instincts.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_00: I saw anxiety as a weakness.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: There wasn't time for it.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: We had work to do.
• 18:12
  Instead of mounting at the barn,
• 18:14
  I walked beside the horse down the long hill to the arena.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_00: We passed three sets of mounting stairs, three chances to make a choice.
• 18:26
  I led the horse past them and into the center of the arena
• 18:29
  where another mounting block waited.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_00: I tightened the girth.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_00: All I could think was, I don't know this horse.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: He doesn't know me.
• 18:40
  How could we work together when neither of us understood the
• 18:43
  rules of the game or
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_00: what language the rules were written in?
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_00: We were both expected to follow orders.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_00: I stood on the top step of the mounting block for a moment.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_00: My hands and feet were numb.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_00: My chest constricted in defense.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_00: My heart was in my throat, or maybe on my sleeve.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_00: How long had it been since I realized I had a heart?
• 19:09
  Somewhere beneath where my palms rested on the horse's wither
• 19:13
  and the back of the saddle,
• 19:15
  the giant organ of the horse's heart pumped a song of
• 19:19
  trepidation and loneliness.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_00: He'd just arrived.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_00: A cargo hold across the ocean,
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_00: the scent of fear in the quarantine facility,
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_00: a longer trailer ride down the east coast,
• 19:35
  a creature built for familiarity forced to function like a
• 19:39
  machine in the unknown.
• 19:43
  I placed my leg across the saddle and I sat down because that's
• 19:47
  what we do when we
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_00: say we love horses.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_00: We ride.
• 19:53
  The young horse pivoted onto his hind legs,
• 19:56
  arced his giant body up,
• 19:58
  and reared.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_00: We hadn't taken a step forward.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'm supposed to ride through this, I thought.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_00: And then a single word rose up through the immediacy of my convictions.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_00: That tiny word changed the course of my life.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_00: I slid off the horse's back and landed solidly on my own two feet.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_00: I lifted the reins over his head.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_00: The master had entered the ring while I was mounting.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_00: I walked the horse over to him and handed over the reins.
• 20:43
  I'm taking the Appaloosa for a hack in the woods,
• 20:45
  I said,
• 20:46
  leaving the young horse with him.
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_00: I'm finished.
• 20:51
  The Appaloosa was an enormous horse that babysat riders in the
• 20:55
  hunt field.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_00: He carried uncertainty for a living.
• 21:00
  He carried mine as we rode quietly down the trails and the old,
• 21:04
  lush forest around the farm.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_00: The horse was unhurried and unbothered.
• 21:10
  His legs moved steadily as the last of my adrenaline faded and
• 21:14
  feeling returned to my limbs.
• 21:17
  The rich,
• 21:18
  earthy smell of his sweat mixed with the damp loam of the woods.
• 21:23
  The movement of his legs softened the ache in my joints and
• 21:26
  dampened the acid in my throat.
• 21:29
  i allowed my questions to settle a long time later we emerged
• 21:34
  from the trail by the
• 21:35
  arena the gates were shut and the master stood in the center
• 21:39
  battling the last
• 21:41
  energy remaining in the young horse i had returned to him the
• 21:45
  master was angry and
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_00: the horse had been free lunged past fear into exhaustion
• 21:51
  I ached for the horse,
• 21:53
  and I knew,
• 21:54
  finally,
• 21:54
  that this place had never been my home.
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_00: I couldn't blame the master for punishing the horse.
• 22:01
  He was doing what he knew to do,
• 22:03
  what all the horsemen before him had been told to do.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_00: Centuries on the battlefield, taking orders.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't want to be at war anymore.
• 22:15
  I knew then that any writing I did in the future had to come
• 22:18
  from the part of my
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_00: mind that wasn't indoctrinated with precision.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_00: It would happen without the need to look good,
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_00: without the goal of doing everything right,
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_00: without my ego.
• 22:31
  It had to come instead from my id,
• 22:34
  my subconscious,
• 22:36
  the knowing embedded in my primordial core.
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_00: It had to come from a place of action, not reaction.
• 22:45
  And that is why I rarely ride anymore,
• 22:48
  even though I'll always be a riding instructor.
• 22:51
  SPEAKER_00: I'll spend the rest of my life looking for a better way.
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_00: If I were a horse,
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_00: I watch Carol prepare her horse for riding,
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_00: how she spends upward of an hour brushing,
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_00: tending,
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_00: and easing tension.
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_00: By the time she places a saddle on the horse's back,
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_00: the horse is dozing,
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_00: quiet,
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_00: and ready to connect.
• 23:21
  She spends an equal amount of time offering restoration to the
• 23:24
  horse after a conscious,
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_00: deliberate ride.
• 23:30
  I've had many rides where the horse and I work together joyfully,
• 23:34
  Carol says.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_00: She's responding to a piece I published last week.
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_00: Riding was never the goal.
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_00: Carol always gives my writing her full attention.
• 23:47
  I love our conversations and how we circle the same questions
• 23:50
  from different angles,
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_00: always returning to the horses.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't write that piece for you, I say.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_00: I rode it as the owner of a public riding stable.
• 24:03
  I don't have a choice but to put various people on top of my
• 24:06
  horses all day.
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_00: If everyone rode with the same consideration as you,
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_00: riding would never be a chore for the horses.
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_00: Do you think riding is wrong?
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_00: She asks.
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_00: I don't, I say.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_00: But right now,
• 24:23
  I'm consumed with the unmounted work because it prepares riders
• 24:27
  to ride with more
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_00: presence and gives horses the space to say yes.
• 24:31
  SPEAKER_00: It protects them.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_00: It teaches us.
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_00: It sustains the school.
• 24:36
  SPEAKER_00: It gives purpose to the horses in rehab.
• 24:39
  I'm obsessed with finding new ways for people to love horses
• 24:42
  without always asking
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_00: the horse to pay for it.
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_00: That makes sense.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you, Carol says.
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_00: If I were a horse, I would be glad to have you on my back, I say.
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_00: We don't talk much more after this.
• 24:59
  SPEAKER_00: We don't have to.
• 25:00
  I watch Carol move her hand down the horse's legs,
• 25:04
  feeling for heat,
• 25:05
  moving the energy.
• 25:07
  The work that we're doing now is slow and deliberate,
• 25:10
  and it speaks for itself.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't always look like much,
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_00: and it's not glamorous or showy,
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_00: but it leaves the horses intact.
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what I want to keep building here.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_00: A place where we don't rush the horse, where we don't rush ourselves.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_00: And when we ride, we ride with reverence.
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_00: Field notes.
• 25:37
  Taking a long break from active writing gave me the chance to
• 25:40
  stop blaming everyone
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_00: else for the things I'm not proud of.
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_00: I accept the fault with hard-earned grace and a heap of self-kindness.
• 25:51
  I didn't realize I'd stop blaming the world until I started
• 25:55
  writing this piece.
• 25:57
  SPEAKER_00: I also want to give a giant shout out to Tamar Reno.
• 26:02
  Her conversations helped me turn the lens back onto myself to
• 26:06
  stop inoculating
• 26:08
  SPEAKER_00: myself with the poison of shame.
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_00: If you haven't already read it,
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_00: check out her piece,
• 26:13
  SPEAKER_00: The Opposite of the Kentucky Derby,
• 26:16
  SPEAKER_00: about what happens to Thorbreads when they retire,
• 26:19
  SPEAKER_00: along with a lot of other stuff the world needs to hear.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'm linking to that in my show notes.
• 26:26
  And if you're new here and missed the past few weeks post in
• 26:30
  honor of Max,
• 26:32
  SPEAKER_00: the little red horse who made me,
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_00: and my life spent running a public riding stable alongside him,
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_00: check out the post that will also be linked in the show notes.
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_00: Don't skip the money, the cost of entry, and riding was never the goal.
• 26:50
  SPEAKER_00: Some of us are still in the arena, but we've changed the footing.
• 26:57
  SPEAKER_00: I'll be back next week with more stories.
• 27:01
  SPEAKER_00: Love, Kim